evidence of noise part 8b

evidence of noise next door part 8a

evidence of noise next door part 7

evidence of noise next door part 6

evidence of noise next door part 5

evidence of noise next door 4b

evidence of noise next door part 4

evidence of noise next door part 3

evidence of noise next door part 2

Evidence of noise next door part 1

evidence to go with 8f of lmh complaint

Lmh complaint 8.f

At the bottom of this file note, Phil once again has the opportunity to mention that I am disabled, how, and what my disabilities are, in fact he should, but he doesn’t.

Saying he attached the letter isn’t good enough. He should note down the important information that in the letter in case it goes missing. He should also say what the next steps are for how he and LMH are going to fix their error of putting me in a disability unsuitable flat. He probably doesn’t do this because he and you had no intention of fixing the life threatening mistake you made.

All of the above is disability discrimination.

However, Phil once again cant help but go above and beyond in his discrimination of me, as he still cant help but to refer to my disabilities as “issues.”

He writes-

“Provided us with more information on Miss Vannuccis issues.”

Not-
Illnesses/Disabilities/ Conditions/Disorders

Once again Phil chooses to speak about me in a way that suggest I am choosing to be ill, and is othering and demeaning.

Evidence to go with 8e of lmh complaint

LMH Complaint 8.E

Another part of this file note where Phil tries to make me sound strange and crazy is when he says-

“Miss Vannucci said that she was going back to her flat to eat the BLUE rodent bait.”

As it paints an image of me biting int hard, raw, blocks of BLUE poison.

As previously stated, what I had in my flat was poisoned porridge. Which is a very common item to use as suicide poison.

I probably did say I was going to eat the poison, and knowing the suicidal thoughts I had been having I probably added “Because that’s the only way its going to solve my rat infestation,” (as at this point we had already been told that rats and mice eat where they live, and that they weren’t living in my flat, so the chance of them eating the poison in my flat was low.) but I certainly never said that it was blue. This is an embellishment on Phil’s part.

There’s also no way I would have said that you should call the police as I was threating to harm myself because-
1. I don’t believe the police should be dealing with mentally ill people, unless they are a danger to others.
2. I actually did intent to kill myself after I left that meeting (and I will explain how I know this later) which meant I wouldn’t have wanted anybody looking for me.

Him saying I said this again suggests I am looking for attention, or trying to use threats of harming myself to get what I want.

I have tried to commit suicide twice before, for no other reason than I wanted to die.

I have an illness that has the highest rate of successful suicide attempts out of any other illness or person group.

I have an illness that I have seen doctors describe as making not in recovery suffers chronically suicidal.

If I try to kill myself again, it will be the result of my illness making me want to die, not because I am trying to get attention or manipulate anyone, and to suggest such is actually a common way people discriminate against people with borderline personality disorder.

Evidence to go with lmh complaint 8d

LMH complaint 8.d

Phil once again lies to make me sound either strange, like a drama queen, or both, while at the same time admitting that he knew I was life threateningly mentally ill when he wrote his email the day after the viewing in which he calls me “Strange” and accuses me of having “issues” in this file note when he writes-

“Miss Vannucci mother, stay for 10 minutes and informed us that her daughter had been sectioned in August and September 2018 after being found walking towards on coming traffic on a main road in Liverpool and tried to kill herself.

(Also, she didn’t stay, she went back like I said earlier, to ask Phil to double check his information about ESA and UC was correct, which he refused to do even though he was wrong, and it could have been the difference between me reattempting suicide and not reattempting suicide.

Phil says this as though he knew nothing about any of this prior to my mum telling him, but he did because I told him earlier on.

Let me be clear, I was not “found” “walking towards oncoming traffic” which is actually an important discrepancy as saying that I was creates an offensive stereotype of a mentally ill person and/or suggests I was pretending to be suicidal. Both things are disability discrimination.

It is so obvious that Phil made this up, as it’s not even possible to walk towards oncoming traffic on a
main road for two reasons-

1. If the main road is busy, then you would be immediately hit by a car the second you stepped out onto the road. That is the entire reason you would use a main road to commit suicide.
2. If its not busy, the cars will see you and just change lanes, therefore you’re not walking towards on coming traffic.
   
   

I also wasn’t found anywhere. I was on the phone when I tried to commit suicide. People knew where I was, and what I was doing.

What I told Phil, and what my mum told Phil, is that I stepped out in front of at least two cars going fast.

The first time, I timed it wrong, which gave the person driving just enough time to swerve. At this point I started screaming at that car, and the other cars who had seen what was going on and moved into the other lane.

(So if I was “found” any where it would have been standing on a main road screaming.)

At this point, I got back on the pavement to wait for another opportunity to step out in front of a car whose driver wasn’t aware that I was going to do it.

The next memory that I have is of being on the opposite pavement as I stepped out in front of another car. Right as I did a man grabbed me, and dragged me back onto the pavement.

All Phil had to say here, was that we informed that I had been sectioned because I attempted suicide.

At most, that I did it by trying to get hit by a car.

That would be both accurate and true.

But because he needs to gossip and wants to try to make me seem strange, he tells this weird impossible story that suggest I’m either an offensive stereotype of a mentally ill person, or I was looking for attention.

Evidence to go with lmh complain 8.c

LMH complaint 8.c

In the third paragraph of his file note, Phil once again talks about my viewing of the flat.

Again, he claims that I was erratic, but gives no examples of how.

If Phil was lying that I was erratic (which he was, because if I was he would have been able to give examples of how I was behaving erratically, and we know that he would have given those examples, as he mentions other unimportant and insignificant details, such as I was picking my nail varnish, either because he is a gossip and/or because he wants to make me sound “strange” because he personally doesn’t like me) then that is disability discrimination.

If Phil isn’t lying, because he genuinely did think my behaviour was erratic (because he doesn’t understand what the word means, and has never seen a person behave erratically) then he is a very dangerous man, and should not be doing a job where he comes into contact with vulnerable people at all, never mind regularly, which he must as a housing officer. Not only that, but he is the only point of contact for those vulnerable people, even if, and when, they report his discrimination of them. This is because, if I was behaving erratically then I would have been having a very serious and potentially life threatening (especially considering my recent suicide attempt) episode. Therefore, Phil should have stopped the meeting for my safety, but instead he chose to make the viewing more stressful for me, which was a choice as it wasn’t even unavoidable because he did it by – lying that I would have my benefits stopped if accepted the flat, invited others who didn’t have to be a part of the viewing into it, tried to pressure me into getting back into work with no idea of whether or not I was capable of working (which I wasn’t) and whether I ever would be again, pried into my personal business, and belittled my medical conditions. He also questioned me very aggressively on why I had no money if I had just sold my house which wasn’t necessary (as many people lose money when selling property) and was inappropriate. He just wanted gossip.

Not only that but, he knew that I was unwell with mental illness because I personally told him that I was at the viewing, as well as what my diagnosis were, and that I had tried to kill myself by stepping out in front of cars on a main road.

He also admits he already knew this on the day of the viewing before I told him, as he writes-

“The only information we had on the day of the viewing was that Miss Vannucci was taken into hospital and had to stay there for a while.”

You don’t get sectioned unless you aren’t well.

LMH Complaint evidence 8b2

LMH Complaint 8.b.2

Phil again makes sure that when I die in this flat there is undisputable evidence of my death being your fault when he writes-

“Miss Vannucci has stated that she CAN NOT SETTLE IN THIS FLAT, and wants PEACE AND QUIET, but this WILL NOT HAPPEN as Miss Vannucci lives in a block where there are KNOWN ISSUES.”

Let me break this sentence down for you in detail.

I never said the words, “I can’t settle,” or “I want peace and quiet.”

What I did was inform Phil that this flat wasn’t suitable for my disabilities and why.

I imagine when Phil writes that I said I can not settle, he is referring to the multiple times both me and my mum told him very clearly that this flat was not suitable for my disabilities.

So, again, more evidence of disability discrimination by Phil, because he changes what actually happened, which was me telling him that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Adjustment Disorder, and Non Epileptic Attack Disorder, and that this property isn’t suitable for me because of that, to the words “can not settle,” which are not the same, and nowhere near the same.

Again, there is no mention that am disabled, or what my illnesses are, where it is important to mention it, so again, more disability discrimination by Phil.

I also never said the words, “I want peace and quiet.”

However, even if I had, wanting peace and quiet in your home is a reasonable thing to want, even if you’re not sick, so why does he write it in a way that makes it sound like its unreasonable?

The fact that he does seem to believe that it is an unreasonable thing to want is very troubling, because he is the person responsible for dealing with ASB.

I would imagine that any decent person would agree that NEEDING peace and quiet in your own home when you are ill is more than reasonable, even when noise doesn’t trigger or make your illnesses worse.

So, to want it when you are ill and it does trigger and make your illnesses worse is more than reasonable, it’s a requirement.

It’s a requirement just like any other disability support requirement.

Yet, I assume, when Phil wrote that I said “I want peace and quiet,” he is referring to the fact that I explained to him on multiple occasions that both stress and noise is a trigger for both my Borderline Personality Disorder, and Non Epileptic Attack Disorder.

ABS is stressful for everybody, so I don’t understand why its so hard for others to understand or believe that for a person who is disabled by mental illness it would be much worse or much more serious.

In fact, its common knowledge that people with autism can struggle with noise.

Though it might not be as well known, people with BPD can also struggle with noise. (Again, google exists, someone at LMH/Torus could have googled this over the last four years to verify that what I am saying I suffer with is a known problem for people with my illness/es. Yes, people can have rare symptoms that most people with the exact same illnesses won’t suffer from, but that’s not the case with the symptoms I am raising to yourselves as being effected by the conditions in this property. The symptoms I am raising as not compatible with this property are common and normal to have with my diagnosis.)

People with BPD can also struggle more when noise is repetitive and or loud.

The noise in my flat is both. My neighbours upstairs and next door play the same music over and over again.

You have literally put me in a place that is designed to torture somebody with my illness, a place were it would be impossible for me to get well.

Its like if you put a person with epilepsy whose seizures were triggered by flashing lights in a flat that only had, and could only have flashing lights, in place of normal lights, then said you weren’t abusing or torturing them and they should be able to live a normal life. Then when they died during a seizure insisted it wasn’t your fault.

So again, Phil has changed what I said to him, which was that the noise was triggering and exacerbating my sleep problems, seizures, and BPD episodes, which included me being severely suicidal to, “wants peace and quiet.” And he has not mentioned my disabilities or that I am disabled at all in a place where it would be important as a matter of life or death for me for him to do so, so again, dangerous disability discrimination by Phil.

Phil admits that my flat isn’t suitable for me, when he writes “this won’t happen.”

However, what is more concerning is the fact that he is so confident that it won’t happen, when he is the person responsible for dealing with ASB. He is clearly stating that he has no intention of trying to fix the issue.

Why does he put it so smugly?
(That’s not just my opinion, other people who have read these file notes and emails Phil has written also think it sounds like he is enjoying himself.) Its like he is enjoying the fact that I’m suffering because I am disabled and he is responsible for that, being that he is the person with the power to stop the ABS here or was at the time that he wrote this.

It is really very concerning.

Phil then goes on to admits that you knew about the ASB problems.

This is evidence that LMH/Torus as a whole have a policy of or at least a habit of lying, because you keep insisting that nobody else has complained, and implying that I am lying when I raise the noise issues.

If nobody else complains how were there known issues?

And why do you keep asking my mum whether she’s been here when the noise has been happening as though I am making it up?

Also, my mum is partially deaf, so even if she had been here when it was as you put it “kicking off,” she wouldn’t be the best judge of how loud the music is, as she can’t always hear loud noise, and if she can sometimes she can’t tell what direction they are coming from. However, she has been here when its happening and has agreed that its too loud, and been able to distinguish the source of the noise, which proves just how loud it is, and just how obvious where it is coming from is. A partially deaf woman has been here and agreed the noise is too loud.

Also, my mum is partially deaf, and she isn’t making any excuses for these people, who among many other excuses, have used the excuse that they are deaf. A partially deaf person is saying that even if they are deaf that’s not the reason the music is too loud and that even if it was its not a reasonable excuse and that they should seek help such as hearing aids.

You know there are issues with noise here and yet your choosing to do nothing about it.

Evidence torus Complaint 8.a

Evidence for LMH complaint 8b1

Torus Complaint

section 1

p8

By February 2019, so less than 3 months after I had moved into the flat, the problems at the flat had exacerbated my disabilities to the point that me, my mum, my GP and my psychiatrist were all aware that I needed to move out of this property and as soon as possible.

The problems were
-flees in the carpet
-mice and rat infestation within the block which was leading to them coming into my flat
-fly tipping in the communal yard, some of which was directly outside of my flat, and meant that sometimes you couldn’t exit the block through the back door into the communal yard as the rubbish was blocking the back door, so you literally couldn’t get into the communal yard where the bins where kept to put your own rubbish into the bins, because other people weren’t using, and were miss using the bins, because rubbish was blocking the back door to the block.
-This also meant that there was broken glass, vomit, pee and poo which was definitely human, and potentially because of the drug use dirty needles, etc
-its also one of the many reasons that I can’t always open the windows in my flat, because of the smell, especially on hot days when the rubbish has already been there for a long time
-people banging on, looking inside, and shouting inside my windows, which is another reason that I can’t always open my windows, and the reason that I can’t ever open my blinds.
-people constantly ringing my intercom
-fights in the car park and communal yard
-noise from upstairs
-noise from next door
-mould infestation
-windows that aren’t properly sealed, so it gets freezing cold in the flat, and the wind comes in.

Considering that I didn’t bid on this flat, you picked it for me knowing that I couldn’t refuse it, and it was not disability suitable for me. Moving me shouldn’t have been an issue in the sense that you couldn’t do it, or even start the process. Due to the property being a risk to me because I am disabled, and it is not disability suitable for me, and you forced me into taking this property, you should have had a responsibility, and duty of care, to rehouse me as soon as possible to something disability suitable.

Put simply, you should have had to immediately rectify what was either your mistake, or your attempt to abuse a disabled person, so that it wasn’t fatal or even just torture for me.

Instead, Phil and his manager Geraldine Rice, called me into the office for a meeting, knowing they were immediately going to tell me they wouldn’t rehouse me.

This was a very dangerous decision, it was something that not only didn’t need to be done in the sense that they didn’t have to call me into the office to tell me this, and almost lead to me trying to commit suicide.

On the day of the meeting, I was already feeling very unwell, in fact, that’s all I can tell you about that day before the meeting, as I was already so unwell, I don’t remember the morning of the meeting other than a very small part of my journey there. I remember actually talking about how I didn’t think that the meeting was a sensible idea on LMHs part because I was at that time suicidal, because of the issues in my flat, and it was still only about six months since my most recent suicide attempt for which I had been sectioned, and I knew and had made Phil aware that the smallest of stressful things could be life threatening to me at this point, and telling somebody they are going to have to live in a flat that is literally emotional, mental and physical torture to them, because some of my symptoms are physical, is stressful.

My suicidal thoughts were not being helped by the fact that, because of the mouse and rat infestation, I was being forced to keep rat poison in my flat.

[Paragraph redacted as it details a way in which you can commit suicide using rat poison.]

[Paragraph redacted as it details a way in which you can commit suicide with rat poison and psychiatric medications that I am prescribed.]

I don’t think I have met a single person who I have talked suicide with (which happens when you are around other suicidal people, for example in hospital, where lots of you are there together for the reason you have all just failed at suicide, and you can share stories about why you failed and how not to fail next time (you know hospital the place you want to send me to because I am disabled and the flat you have forced me to live in knowing that it isn’t disability suitable for my disability, where I can be around other suicidal people and I can get tips for when I am discharged back to this flat because hospital wont cure my disability and/or fix the problems in this flat, like your ablest staff think it will because they are ignorant and/or stupid) who haven’t discussed taking rat poison as an option, because its easily accessible, more so when its already in your flat, and is literally poison, meaning it is literally designed to kill things.

I’ll say it again. Rat poison is one of the most common ways to commit suicide, and the reason why is in the name, rat POISON.

It’s not strange, It’s not weird, it’s not unusual.

What it is, is, logical, affordable (especially when you already have it in your flat) and easily accessible (again, especially when you already have it in your flat).

Having that poison in my flat was not only a huge temptation to me, but a suicide trigger in and of itself.

The mice and rats were also a suicide trigger for me, and particularly so in trigging the thoughts that didn’t feel like mine, as its very stressful to have a mice and/or rat infestation, particularly when you’re a clean person and have never had them before. The thoughts that didn’t feel like mine would tell me that me eating the rat poison was the best and quickest solution to not only the rat infestation, but all my problems in this flat.

Personally, I don’t remember the meeting at all. However, my mum was there, and she does. What she told me happened is similar to the accounts in Phil’s file note about the day, if you are aware that Phil is a liar, the type of lies he tells, and the way he behaves, so I trust her recollection when she tells me what happened.

Firstly, I want to address the parts of the meeting that Phil writes about.

Secondly the parts he doesn’t, which my mum has told me about.

Thirdly , what happened as a result of that meeting.

LMH Complaint 8b1

In this file note, Phil indirectly admits to lying. He admits that he did say things that we told you he said, but he then denied saying.

Phil cant keep his own lies straight, he constantly contradicts himself.

Phil insisted, and probably still would if you asked him about it today, that when he mentioned the drug problems at the viewing, he told us that it was in the general area.

We have always told the truth about what Phil actually told us, which is that he said it was an issue within the communal yard that my block of flats shares with one other block.

In this file note, Phil admits that he told us that, “there were issues within the block, and that she [meaning me] would see drug taking.

Is Phil unable to remember all the lies he tells because he tells that many of them?

Or, does he just say whatever will serve him better in the moment?

This is not even to mention that if Phil knows there are drug problems within whatever he means by “the block” he should be reporting it to the police, as well as other staff within LMH/Torus.
Is he?
Has he?

(As previously stated, I should not have been offered a flat where there is either drug or alcohol abuse problems, for many reasons, including-
-My borderline personality disorder makes me more likely to suffer with drug and/or alcohol abuse or dependency issues.
Just because I have never been a drug addict or alcoholic doesn’t mean it wouldn’t happen. You might believe (because your ignorant or ablest) that if I did develop those issues while living in a place where I actually see it happening, therefore am likely to come into contact with both the people selling and taking drugs by simply opening my blinds, or taking my rubbish to the bin, that is my own fault, but it would not be, it would be your fault. Your ignorance about mental illness and mental disability, plus your policies to not recognise mental illnesses and disabilities as real illnesses and disabilities therefore not provide suitable accommodation, as you do for the physically ill and disabled, would be to blame.

Do the government encourage, or just enable this?

Because people like me are not only being kept disabled by illness to the point were we can’t work, but to the point where our illnesses are being exacerbated by in appropriate housing for our disabilities.

This means that not only are we stuck in your properties, we are also stuck on government sick or disability benefits, and it is the government that then pay our rent. So therefore you are not only finding a way to manipulate the situation in order to get guaranteed rent off the government for people you are abusing, your abuse means the government then have to give me money to live because I am too sick to work because you are keeping me sick by forcing me to live in unsuitable housing.

The only person benefiting from both your abuse of me and the abuse of government policies and money is you. You are benefiting from abuse of the mentally disabled while everybody else suffers in some way or another because of it, even if that is just by paying more tax that is having to be spent on my rent when I want to be making money to pay my own rent.

And before you make the ridiculous defence that I am only one person, if this is happening to me, a person who has up until a few years ago been high functioning to the point I was diagnosed in my thirties, it is happening to other people who are vulnerable in ways that I am not. I would bet it is happening to at least tens of thousands of people, and therefore that’s tens of thousands of people who the government are not only using tax payers money to support, but are paying rent for them to be abused by you.

You are benefiting from getting rent of the government for me, and if I die because this flat isn’t disability appropriate for me, you’ll just move in another vulnerable and probably mentally disabled person in order to profit off them, through and by subjecting them to the same abuse I have already, and will go on, to discus, because the truth is that nobody capable of working would live in this flat, and if they were capable of working when they moved in, they wouldn’t be for long. Therefore the only way you are ever going to make money off this flat is by abusing the vulnerable and disabled, and government policies and money that allow you guaranteed rent for poor or unsuitable housing conditions be it for the unwell or the disabled.

I want to get better.
I want to be able to work again.
Therefore you are abusing and discriminating against me because I am disabled, by keeping me sick with my disability through unsuitable living conditions.

-I am vulnerable and could be easily exploited or victimised in many ways either by the people selling or taking the drugs.

-One of the ways in which I could be exploited or victimised is into using drugs. If this happened there could be a lot of problems including as I said above, addiction. However, non epileptic seizures can be triggered by drug use, therefore if I was some how bullied or forced into taking drugs then that could cause a seizure which could result in an accident that could be fatal to me.

-I now have easier access to drugs that I could purposely overdose on.

– I have easier access to drugs I could accidently overdose on.

I have a history of misusing prescribed drugs by taking too many at once, or mixing them with other prescribed or over the counter medication, in desperate efforts to sleep when very distressed or stressed out. I have done this more recently, so in between 2016-2018 with sleeping tablets, mainly zopiclone, and as far back as 2008ish using benzodiazepine’s, mainly lorazepam, depending on when my first suicide attempt was, as my first suicide attempt happened when I took several boxes of lorazepam that had been prescribed for me in one go, then not just happy with taking like seven boxes of lorazepam in what became an over dose attempt, also tried to drown myself in the bath. I don’t remember why I took all the tablets in the first place, but my guess is that it started out as not being able to sleep and taking them to sleep and turned into a suicide attempt at some point.

And I would be more likely to misuse drugs more dangerously if I had them because this flat has given me sleeping problems far worse than what I have ever been through, and I am no longer allowed sleeping tablets or benzis because I need a higher amount for them to work, and when mixed with anti psychotics which I am on they can stop your muscles, including those that have something to with your lungs, from working and you can basically suffocate to death.

The fact is that while I am in this flat, medication misuse is always going to be a potential threat to me because of the issues I have with sleeping here, and I am prescribed a lot of medication for my mental health as well as other issues.)

However, Phil also lies int this same sentence, because he claims that he told us there were issues with alcohol, fly tipping, and ASB at the viewing and he did not.

The fact is that if Phil had mentioned ASB to us at the viewing, and particularly noise ASB, I would have had no choice but to turn this flat down for my own safety, which means that I would have then been kicked off property pool and become homeless at this point because you offered me a property that wasn’t disability suitable. This is because I already knew at the time of the viewing that noise triggers and exacerbates both my borderline personality disorder, and its episodes, as well as my seizures, and its symptoms.

The way Phil talks about these ASB problems, suggest both he and LMH as a company were aware of the problems when you offered me this flat.

And before you offered me this flat I had made every body I had met or spoken to in regards to rehousing aware of my diagnosis, symptoms, and the fact that I had only just been discharged from hospital after a suicide attempt.

Therefore, you offered me this flat knowing it was unsuitable to the point where it would at least cause me great suffering and distress, and at worst be fatal.

Did Phil get my file off housing options?

Mike McDonald said that he should have but didn’t.

If he didn’t, he should have which means you are at fault.

If he did, but you still chose to offer me this flat, then you  are still at fault, because you knew what my illnesses were and how they affect me, as well as what the problems at this flat were and that the two weren’t compatible, and yet you offered me this flat, which you shouldn’t have done anyway, but you offered me it knowing that I couldn’t refuse it as I only had one offer.

This file note admits that you, as a company, knew that there were ABS problems, and in particular noise ASB problems at this property when you offered it to me.

Therefore, when I die in this flat, from a bpd episode, or symptom- meaning suicide or accident, or a seizure or seizure symptom- meaning an accident during a seizure, you are to blame.

The longer I am at this property, the more likely that becomes, and the more at fault you are for not doing anything to move me to something more suitable when you had the opportunity.

This file note means that my death in this flat will be indisputably your fault, especially when combined with all the evidence I have.

When that happens I want everybody who has dealt with me, and who I have reached out to for help at LMH/Torus, prosecuted for murder and torture of a disabled person, because this isn’t an accident on your part, it is wilful abuse of a disabled person for profit.

Regardless of it I die or not, all the people who have dealt with me, or who I have reached out to for help at LMH/Torus should be prosecuted for wilful abuse and torture of a disabled person.

LMH Complaint 8.a

8.a

In his file note, Phil immediately shows his lazy, can’t be bothered, attitude, as he gets both the date I came to the viewing wrong, saying here it was on the 28^th of November 2018, when it was on the 15^th of November 2018, and that I moved into the flat in December 2018, when I moved in, in, November 2018. It would be shocking to me, that Phil, who would have had easy access to this information, couldn’t be bothered to look up the dates of the viewing and when I moved into the property, if I wasn’t already aware of who Phil is and the way he behaves.

Dates are always important, when it comes to making sure they are accurate. They are especially so when it comes to dates that actually effect people’s lives.

Getting a date wrong could affect things like the date that I become eligible for certain things, such as being eligible to apply to move from my property.

or when it comes to records and documents that have been requested not being able to be found, or just not being provided, for example, such as when somebody puts in a subject access request.

LMH Complaint 7D

Firstly, though, I want to point out how Phil has broken data protection laws in regards to me, when he and you, when we needed information you already had on file, but were requesting from us, but saying you couldn’t give it to use to give to you, said you couldn’t give us that information because of data protections laws.

You have insisted on several occasions that you need the flat numbers of the properties the noise is coming from and who lives in those properties. In regards to next door, I cant tell you for sure as it is in a different block to me, but I think its number [redacted], yet even though there is only one neighbour next to me in that block, you say without me knowing for sure you can’t help me because I don’t know the number.

In regards to my safety, you cant tell us how many people should be living in that property, and whether it is the lady who attacked me.

Yet, Phil actually told a neighbour of mine, as discussed earlier, that my mother was the tenant of my flat.

So, Phil told my neighbour the information about me, that you refused to give to me about my neighbour in order to literally give back to you, for no reason other than he was offended somebody asked if he lived in my flat.

This led to me being asked again and again, for over a year, by this tenant -who lived in my flat, how long I had lived here, everythime he saw me let myself in, and who the older woman was, and did she also live here, even though I felt forced to tell him the first time he asked me so he would leave me alone.

As previously stated, I struggle to speak to, or deal with people, so this was a very distressing experience for me.

Notes for section 1 7c

I have now lost count of how many suicide attempts I have made due to my flat since writing this in 2022.

LMH complaint 7.c

Another way in which my illness affects me is that, emotionally things build up easily but don’t decrease as easily for me, meaning if I left a conversation feeling awful, the next time I know that I need to speak to that person I will feel the level of awful I felt at the end of the last conversation as soon as I know that I am going to have to speak to them again. These feeling will build and get worse until I finally speak to them, which means that I will then already enter that conversation distressed.

This means that the more I am exposed to an issue, the more urgent resolving it becomes as it makes me sicker and sicker, and the larger the action needs to be so that I can recover.

When we requested somebody other than Phil to deal with, because of his inappropriate behaviour, that is what I needed.

You not only denied me that, which was dangerous, you then allowed him to further victimise me by making ridiculous claims against me and my mum, such as us being distressed by his abuse was us being abusive to him, and that we came into the office screaming his name at a time we had already made you aware that having contact with this man made me very unwell every time I had to have contact with him, therefore us screaming his name in the office is not only ridiculous, but is a story only somebody with either no common sense would believe, or a story that a company/person looking for an excuse not to have to deal with a situation or person would use, knowing it was a lie, to cut that person off.

Seeing as I have received dangerous discrimination from other members of staff too, such as Geraldine Rice, Jill Ellis and Alan Ball, I would say it is the later, and that therefore as a company you have chosen to subject me to discrimination and abuse, because I am disabled, by your staff, that could in and of itself have lead to seizures because of the stress, and did lead to a near suicide attempt, which I am going to discus in a moment.

Notes for section 1 part 7b

Adjustment disorder has been taken off my list of current illnesses since I wrote this in 2022 as it was an illness I was wrongly diagnosed with before being diagnosed with bpd.

Please disregard any mention of adjustment disorder.

LMH COMPLAINT

section 1

7b

Phil’s attitude is telling, when it comes to exposing the fact that he thinks he is better than the people who live in the flats he is a housing officer for, and that he believes he personally is above living in them.

However, the best example of this happened at this meeting.

After the meeting, my mum and Phil were standing in the communal hallway, outside my flats front door, when the man who lives next door to me in my block of flats, so I believe at number [redacted], came out and asked Phil if he lived in my flat, because he was having a party during the daytime that Saturday and just wanted to let the person who lived in my flat know that there would be a party, but it would be over by the night time.

Phil got so offended that the man had asked him if he was the tenant of my flat, that he told the man with such disgust that my mother was the tenant of my flat.

If Phil thinks he is better than those who live in these flats, and that he is above living here himself, that’s a massive problem.

Firstly, it means that Phil knows they are unliveable places.

Yet, he is the personally responsible for making sure that they are liveable places, so if they aren’t liveable that is his fault, and I would both hope and assume his failure as a housing officer, so to then look down on the people he is failing for his failures is not just abuse but hatred for the people he is abusing because he is abusing them.

If he believes that we are not worthy of basic living standards, then why is he going to give us basic living standards?

More seriously though, it creates a cycle that vulnerable people like me-a person who had a good job and owned their own home, but lost it all because of disability discrimination [being told by my employer everybody suffers with mental health problems, so they could not give me special treatment, even though I don’t suffer with mental health problems, I have two lifelong disabling mental illnesses and a seizure disorder, and what I was asking for was the bare minimum disability adjustments needed to help me get into a place where my illness was managed so I could continue to work, which is similar to the situation I am in with yourselves, where I tell you I am disabled and my flat isn’t disability suitable so I am going to die, and you respond that you won’t be held responsible because you have no duty of care towards me] trapped in.

I ended up here because I am disabled and lost my job due to disclination, and now you are discriminating against me because I am mentally disabled, so you don’t believe I am entitled to basic human living conditions, which exacerbates my disability, keeping me too ill for therapy’s, so unable to work and more worrying unable to survive death due to my disabilities.

Why don’t you believe that me and other mentally disabled people deserve the same rights as non mentally disabled people, meaning, rights to -work, sleep , be able to take medication correctly, not have seizures, not have bpd epsidoeds, not die by a seizure or suicide.

I will always have my disabilities, but I don’t have to always be struggling the way I currently am with them, my disabilities are exacerbated by my environment, personal circumstances, events, life style, etc, something I have no control over in this property. I have the possibility of getting into recovery, which means having good management of my illness, but you are preventing me from getting well enough for that because you are leaving me in a situation where I can’t control my circumstances and environment therefore my lifestyle.

I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this medical fact you should already know before you actually educate yourself, mental health and mental illness are not the same thing, they are two very different things.

Mental l health is what those poor mentally well people who think they are hard done by because they have normal human emotions struggle with.

Mental illnesses are serious medical disorders and conditions. They mean sufferers have long term or permeant, serious mental impairment.

I DO NOT HAVE MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS!

I HAVE BORDERLINE PERSONALIY DISORDER, AND NON EPILEPTIC ATTACK DISORDER.

If you still don’t understand or believe that Phil belittled my disabilities and discriminated against me, even though there is actual proof in his emails and notes about me, things like calling me strange because of how my illness effects me, trying to tell his superiors lmh shouldn’t rehouse me, and trying to have me sectioned rather than make my flat disability suitable and/or help me move to a more disability suitable property-which I am yet to discuss. There is proof in what he never writes. He never mentions the fact that I am disabled, or what my illnesses are, even when it is relevant as an urgent matter of life or death.

Phil completely and continually refused to acknowledge that I am disable, even when me being disabled mattered-
examples
-my property is unsuitable for my disability
-the anti-social behaviour, meaning the noise in this particular example, triggering my episodes borderline and sezuire
-when I have spoken about my suicidal thoughts
that isn’t just disability discrimination, it is dangerous disability discrimination to the point where it could be fatal to the disable person, who in this situation is me.

LMH Complaint 7.a

What is even weirder about this meeting being so important that it had go ahead, even if it endanger my safety, even though there seemed to be no reason for it other than for it to allow Phil the opportunity belittle my disabilities, is that when Phil decided he couldn’t be bothered coming out for the second meeting, which supposedly was just important as the first meeting, that meeting just didn’t take place, at all, ever.

Torus complaint Complaint

section 1

part 7

written in 2022

As previously stated, I was already unwell with my disabilities when you offered me this flat knowing that I only had one offer and therefore could not refuse it, but my doctors, not knowing the problems with my flat and assuming that you had as you should have taken my disability into consideration when rehousing me, expected that once I moved into the property and no longer had the stress of becoming homeless, or falling behind on the mortgage, or my abusive ex, turning up at the property and physically and/or sexually assaulting me, and he no longer had any excuse to contact me, or threaten me, or turn up where ever I was when he knew where I was for example when I was working at work, etc, that I would be able to get well enough for therapies, as with borderline personality disorder you actually need to be a certain level of well and functioning for therapies to not only work but to not do more harm than good. After being released from hospital, where I had a medication change, and no longer having the stress of losing my job or fighting for the disability adjustments that I desperately needed at work and having a little bit of ESA to afford basics like food, electric, gas, and water, my health had actually begun to improve a little bit- this is because borderline personality disorder is not a chemical imbalance, so medication doesn’t always help borderline personality and wont be the thing that helps you manage your illness it can only help management to a certain level, it is as I understand it a structural functioning issue, meaning I have stunted development and under to no functioning in certain areas of my brain, this means that borderline personality disorder is effected mainly by your environment, circumstances, events, lifestyle etc, anything that would negatively affect mentally well person even on a small scale, massively affects me, I was in a strict routine, which the doctors had advised me was an important part of managing my illnesses, and it was helping. I was sleeping properly, I was eating properly, I was taking my medication at the right times, and also not forgetting to take it, or mixing it up. I wasn’t having the thoughts that didn’t feel like mine anymore, or having panic attacks, or seizures.

All this progress I made not only fell apart, but my health had deteriorated within the first couple of months of me living in the property, to a point where I personally felt and was struggling worse than I was before I went into hospital, due to all the issues at the property, but especially the anti-social behaviour, and it happened so quickly that I was severely struggling by my first meeting with Phil at the property after I moved in.

When I signed the tenancy agreement, I was told I would need to have two of these meetings at specific times during my first year in the property to see how I was getting on living in the property, though I don’t remember the names of these meetings, or at what points during that first year they were scheduled to take place.

Due to how badly I was struggling, and how that effected my ability to communicate, deal with, or just be around people, and the fact that we had already made complaints about the issues in this property and how they were effecting me, meaning you were already aware of how I was getting on in the property, my mum asked for the meeting to be postponed until the problems had been dealt with and I was feeling and managing a little bit better. Probably because both he himself, and you as a company, had no intentions of dealing with the issues in the property and making it disability suitable for me, Phil insisted that he had to come to the flat and conduct the meeting.

At this point in time, I was no longer in any sort of schedule and wasn’t sleeping properly again due to the noise issues next door and upstairs, as a result of this I was unable to take my medication at the times I was supposed to take them, forgetting to take them, and mixing them up, I was no longer eating properly and my binge eating which is one of my self-harm behaviours, and just as serious as any other form of self-harm, if not worse as it can give me longer term or permanent health issues and other conditions and disabilities such as diabetes especially when you pair it with the fact that I am not sleeping which can also cause other long term or permanent health issues and other conditions and disabilities by itself such as diabetes, my self harm behaviours and any symptom of my illness like my other symptoms are not with in my control, had gotten worse, my migraines were back, my panic attacks were back, and my seizures and tics were back, and were getting more intense and frequent. I had begun to visually hallucinate (which outside of my sleep paralysis episodes I had never done before, and sleep paralysis hallucinations are not the same type of hallucinations as the type you have when fully awake, as up until this point I had only ever had taste and smell hallucinations, which are the same type of hallucination, they are not two different types, and can be connected to seizures and seizure disorders. More importantly though, I was missing larges parts of time, and was experience jumbled up time, which is very scary and distressing by itself, but which can be a sign I am having the thoughts that don’t feel like mine, but I don’t remember it because it’s happening during the time that’s missing, which is scary, worrying, and serious when you consider these thoughts are the thoughts that tell me to violently commit suicide by doing things like setting myself on fire, or slitting my throat, again I do not control these thoughts or my suicidal urges, they control me. If I was to commit suicide it is not because I made the choice to commit suicide, it is because I am sick and my illness killed me, which seems to be a concept that you can’t grasp. To me it seems like you seem to believe if I kill myself that is my choice and you are in no way responsible for that because I chose to do it, and that it has nothing to do with the fact that you put me in a flat that was not disability suitable and in fact was very very bad for my disability. What you have done to me is like putting a person with no legs in a flat with only stairs an no lift on the top floor of a high rise, leaving them their and expecting them to live a normal life, while saying if they fall down the stairs and die that is on them because they chose to try to walk down the stairs knowing they couldn’t do it because they have no legs.

My mum enquired as to whether it was possible for Phil to come alone, and he agreed that it was. My mum made it clear that I was really struggling to be around, communicate with, and deal with people and that the more people at the meeting the harder and more distressing this would be for me, and how it could force me into an episode that could last for days or even weeks after the meeting.

Yet, when Phil arrived at the meeting he was with Clara, the housing officer he had invited into the property half way through my viewing.

At this point, before they had entered the flat, my mum reminded him that he had promised he could and would come alone, and requested that Clara did not attend the meeting or enter the property.

To which Phil replied that, he would make Clara stand in the corner.

Firstly, I can’t believe that this man had the audacity to call me strange. Being mentally disabled and showing signs of that mentally disability isn’t being strange. Making your colleague stand in the corner is strange.

Secondly, I don’t think Phil has any right to be believed when he accuses others of being abusive, which is abusive itself when it’s a lie, and more so when it’s a lie which has dangerous consequences, and was intended to have those dangerous consequences, but particularly when those consequences effect vulnerable people, if he can’t understand that forcing a person to stand in a corner is abusive. If Phil can’t see that forcing a person to stand in a corner is not only abusive behaviour as it is belittling and dehumanising, but to do it is but to do it to your colleague is also actually work place bullying, then he can’t possibly have any understanding of what is abusive behaviour and what isn’t abusive be haviour.

Thirdly, him forcing her to stand in the corner isn’t going to make things easier or less distressing for me. Watching another person be abused in this way would only make things harder and more distressing. In fact, just the suggestion that he would force her to stand in the corner is distressing and worrying, especially when you consider this is a man with power over me, a man who clearly enjoys having and abusing power.

The majority of the meeting was spent with Phil belittling my disabilities, my symptoms, and how they affect me, and encouraging Clara to join in.

It is clear that Phil has problems when it comes to listening to others, both when it comes to keeping quiet, and actually taking in what is being said to him, as well as trying to wrongly correct the information people are giving him.

Like at the viewing, and every other time we had to speak to him, be it in person or on the phone, Phil could not stand anyone but himself talking, with the exception of when he encouraged Clara to join in on belittling my illnesses.

People talking over me and interrupting me is very difficult, distressing, and disabling for me, and therefore effects my ability and rights of communication.

One of my symptoms is severe racing thoughts, this means I have a lot of different and urgent thoughts all at once which I am not able to follow. The best way to give you some understanding of my experience is that it feels like being in a crowded room with everybody shouting different but equally urgent and stressful things at me all at once, but they keep changing what they are shouting about. Obviously this isn’t accurate to what it is like but the best way I can describe it so other people can have some understanding of it, as since I have gone on anti psychotics and it has slightly eased these symptoms I can no longer be in a room where a lot of people are just normally talking as it feels far too much like the inside of my head on a milder scale and that is enough to make me start to feel very unwell.

Another symptom is extremely poor concentration and attention.

For example-

Last week I forgot I was lifting a pan of boiling hot water off the hob while it was in my hand, which resulted in me pouring boiling hot water all over myself.

Another example of this is-

Last year I ended up in A&E with a severe concussion and nerve trauma, which was so bad they made me have an MRI scan, then admitted me to an in patient observation room that I was told I wasn’t allowed to leave, until my results came back showing no damage to my sulk or brain. This was a result of me forgetting I had just mopped the floor as soon as I let go of the mop, then I went to hurrying to the next room, slipped and smashed my head on the floor.

My memory is also very poor.

I will mix words, names, people, or things up when I am talking, even I don’t know why I do this. Sometimes I don’t even notice I do it.

So, if somebody interrupts me, or talks over me, it causes me to forget what I was saying, lose my place in what I was saying, become confused, disorientated, distressed, and eventually agitated.

Conversations with me can be confusing for other people involved in the conversation when and I am not feeling well, and this obviously gets worse if you speak over me or interrupt me.

I have tried to explain this to Phil every time I personally have spoken to him, since the viewing, because his inability to listen, let anybody else speak , or try to correct them when they are right and he is wrong, makes it impossible for me to communicate with him because of my disabilities. All I have asked him for in this respect is to be patient with me and show me basic manners that you would except to be shown by anybody. Yet Phil not only seems to be unable to do this, but to be unwilling to do it. His attitude in how he has responded to me when I have asked this of him seems to be that he is above treating me like a normal human being as he thinks he is better than me, and that me asking for him to be aware that I am disabled and to bear that in mind when speaking to me and how he speaks to me is asking far too much from him.

As previously stated, I have also tried to explain that I may seem like I am shouting, or hostile when I am not, I am struggling with my illness and these things are signs that I am struggling.

My illnesses are not an invisible illnesses, despite how much you want to insist they are, you can see and hear my illnesses present themselves.

To ignore that these are symptoms of my illness is to ignore that I am ill.

These symptoms obviously get worse when I am in a difficult situation, dealing with difficult things, in a stressful situation, or dealing with stressful things. So of course they are going to be worse when I am suffering because you have put me in a flat that is unsuitable for my disability.

They are also made worse though by people being rude, hostile, aggressive, etc, to me, as although I don’t mean it I will subconsciously match their tone and attitude.

However, attempting to explain this to Phil not only makes him combative, defensive and threating –

For example-

Threatening to hang up on me if I am struggling with my illnesses.

It is in itself enough for him to say you are being aggressive and hang up on you. This is distressing when you are calmly explaining how your recognised disabilities effect you.

Id say it’s the equivalent of somebody who suffers with coprolalia as a symptom of their Tourette’s being treated this way, but it’s actually worse, because I am not evening seeming to be offensive or aggressive, I am just distressed and like anybody under extreme distress my voice gets louder. Getting upset or distressed is not abusive behaviour, but Phil will certainly tell you and everybody else that it is, only when he tells everyone else you were abusive he will leave out the fact that you were crying, and he told you that he wasn’t going to deal with you if you were crying and “shouting” and just say that you were shouting.

In my opinion, Phil’s behaviour is rude and inappropriate even if you’re not disable, and as someone who worked as a front line staff member for seventeen years it is behaviour I have witnessed in other staff members I have worked with who are lazy or looking for any excuse to do as little as possible, it is behaviour that some of the people I have witnessed doing it have bragged they do because they couldn’t be bothered working, or doing a particular thing, or dealing with a particular person.

If either of these is the case then Phil should not be working with the public.

However if Phil doesn’t want to deal with me in particular because of my disabilities, this in itself is disability discrimination.

When, during this meeting, I tried to explain to Phil that I have diagnosed borderline personality disorder and adjustment disorder, and I was waiting for confirmation I have non epileptic attack disorder, which has now been confirmed, what these illness are, how they affect me, and why my flat wasn’t disability suitable for me, Phil aggressively interrupted me to tell me I was suffering with “a little bit of depression and anxiety,”

As I have already stated, I know Phil isn’t a doctor.

But, does Phil know he isn’t a doctor?

Is Phil aware that he hasn’t gone through a decade of education to become a psychiatrist, or neurologist?

Does Phil know that he is neither qualified to diagnose, or change a diagnosis of a psychiatric disorder and/or seizure disorder?

When people tell Phil their disability diagnosis’s, and how those disabilities affect them, or present themselves, Phil should listen, Phil should not tell them what he thinks is wrong with them.

When I attempted to explain to Phil how I have episodes of dissociation, which for me includes having thoughts that don’t feel like mine, that tell me to set myself on fire, slit my throat, or run in front of lorries, and these contributed to my then recent suicide attempt, and that I experience missing and jumbled up time, he interrupted me, told me he complete understood, and that what I was describing was completely normal, and everybody experiences these symptoms, then he encouraged Clara to join in.

She did join in. She insisted everybody has “hazy” memories and times things are “all little bit of a blur.”

At this point I thought maybe it would be better to talk to Clara about my disability issues at the property and tried to explain that wasn’t what I meant, but again Phil cut me off.

Let me make it very clear-
-What I was explaining isn’t normal.
-It doesn’t happen to everyone.
-If you want to talk about depression my illness has the highest rate of successfully completed suicides, we can suffer with severe chronic depression and what I have seen described as chronic suicidal thoughts. A little bit of depression wouldn’t come close to describing what I have when it comes to depression. Depression, some peoples entire mental illness is just a symptom of my illness.
-If you want to talk about anxiety I have suffered with anxiety and panic attacks so bad they have left me completely paralysed during them meaning that I can’t do anything except lay on the floor and cry. My anxiety causes me to become very suspicious and paranoid. Again my anxiety could not be described as a little bit of anxiety, it is severe and disabling as is my depression. Again someones entire illness – an anxiety disorder, because anxiety itself is not an illness, it is a normal human emotion- is just a single symptom of my illnesses.
-I was sectioned because of this particular episode I was using to explain how serious my disabilities are, and how my flat could lead to my death. During this episode I was using to explain how serious my illness is and how my flat is a danger to my safety, I tried to kill myself, I could have caused a car crash, or a car to hit somebody else. I am not only missing most of this episode, but this day, the next day, and the week after, as well as most of April through to August before the episode which happened in late August. What memories I do have of the episode, the week after, and the months before are out of order in how I recall them happening, and honestly I don’t know the correct order most of these memories should be in. Then, when I was detained by the police in the street after I ran out in front of cars at least twice, I had a seizure that police officer witnessed and which was so bad that he then took me to hospital himself rather than wait for the ambulance to come, and later said he thought that I was epileptic because I looked like I was having an epileptic seizure.

If Phil and Clara don’t really understand, then saying they do is belittling my disabilities. They are also dangerous for saying they do and that what I experience is normal and everybody experiences it, as some people with my illnesses don’t believe they are ill and believe they are fine, and here Phil and Clara are happy to tell them that they are fine and aren’t at all ill.

If Phil and Clara really do understand then they are very unwell.

And if they think it is normal, then they are more unwell than I am, because I am at least in touch with reality enough to understand these experiences aren’t normal and don’t affect everybody, therefore I am very ill.

If they do understand my symptoms and illnesses because they personally experience these symptoms, please get them immediate help, because they are a danger to themselves and potentially others.

Regardless of whether they do or don’t understand, please for the safety of the vulnerable people they encounter on a daily basis release them from their current roles, as they pose a real danger to the mentally ill and mentally disabled, and probably other vulnerable people.

They should not be working with the public in any way or role.

The very obvious reality is that unless Phil and Clara have borderline personality disorder, and non epileptic attack disorder, they can not begin to understand what I experience or how I suffer as a result of my disabilities and they shouldn’t believe they do.

But I don’t think they do believe they know what I experience or suffer as a mentally disabled person. I think the two of them are so used to being able to belittle disabled people and get away with it, because you back them up, that they believe they are entitled to belittle peoples disabilities and discriminate against people because they are disable in any way they want.

And I would bet that it is only mentally disabled people that you allow them to do this too, because you as a company are just as discriminatory and belittling of my mental illness related disability, as I face this behaviour from the majority of your staff that I have to deal with.

Notes for section 1 part 6b

I no longer want you to move me, as I no longer want anything to do with you as I believe it will be detrimental to my health and recovery.

What I want is compensation for everything you have done to me and put me through.

And for all the possessions you have destroyed, some of which were sentimental and I can never replace.

Torus complaing

section 1

6.b

written in 2022

However, even if Phil had reported these problems to the people he should have reported them to, I would have still been offered this flat that is unsuitable for me based on its problems and my disabilities, due to Phil’s incompetence and laziness, even though I made everybody aware of my disabilities that I spoke to about being rehoused, prior to being rehoused, because Phil didn’t request my file from housing options like he should have.

We know he should have and didn’t, and that this has to some extent lead to me being unsuitably rehoused in a property that is literally going to kill me, because Mike McDonald told us.

When he did, he said that there was nothing we could do about it now and the situation is what it is.

That isn’t good enough. I have already lost four years of my life to this flat, and I could lose my entire life to it if I end up having a seizure or episode that kills me.

It is what it is now, when it is what it is due to somebody’s incompetence, laziness, then discrimination, and when what it is has led to somebody losing four years of their life, going through four years of torture, and being at risk of losing their life because of it isn’t good enough.

You need to rectify the situation immediately and compensate me for what you have done to me.

You as a company are responsible for what has happened to me and what will happen to me in the future because of this property. Either your policies and/or staff monitoring isn’t good enough, or you are just as incompetent, lazy, and discriminatory to disabled people as Phil is. Even if this entire issue has been caused by Phil’s negligence, laziness, and hatred of disabled people, you created a work environment and culture that allowed this to happen to me, and you denied it was happening, lied, and covered up for Phil time and time again, which enabled him to do this to me and very likely other people, I suspect other people have in the past reported Phil for his behaviour and you have done the same to them which has now led to what has happened to me.

You need to rectify your error and move me straight away, whatever that takes. If it really is impossible to move me which I doubt very much it is, you need to evict the people next door and upstairs immediately, this is four years on since I started reporting it and if you haven’t dealt with it properly then that’s not my problem, it’s a risk to my life, safety, and health, so you need to take action now.

You need to compensate me for the time I have and will lose of my life to this flat, as well as for the pain and suffering, the absolute torture I have endured and will endure, and the discrimination I have faced and will continue to face. If you don’t I will be getting a solicitor to look into it for me.

More importantly, if you don’t and I die, I have kept evidence, I have made evidence public, I will be making this complain public, there will be enough for my mum to sue you. More importantly though I am making my wishes that you get charged criminally for my death for murder public. This isn’t even a case of manslaughter because you have knowingly allowed this to go on for four years and put actual effort in to covering it all up rather than helping me. I want everyone, every single person who has dealt with this prosecuted for my murder, and though I doubt my wishes will be taken into consideration I will keep making those wishes known until it does kill me, especially because I am sure if this does gain any sort of attention more people in my position will come forward, and more people who have had loved ones die because you will. There might not be power in just my voice asking for justice, but I doubt very much it will be just my voice, I am sure many other people have died because of this same thing and will if I don’t make my voice heard.

LMH Complaint

6.a

When my mum spoke to Gary, on the same day that I went to view my flat, about the drug use and it being right outside my window, he told her that both he and his manager, Jerry, knew nothing about the problems with drug use in the communal areas of these blocks of flats, in a manner that suggested that if there were problems he would know about them.

This indicates to me that if there are problems in properties, such as this, then it should be reported to him and/or his manager. And, whether or not it is LMH/Torus policy that housing officers report this type of information to everybody who deals with the property in question, it should be. It should be so that people aren’t offered property’s that are unsuitable to the point of being life threatening.

Though, personally, I don’t believe properties with any problems should be being offered to anybody, there is a huge difference between offering if to someone who it wont kill and someone who it will kill, as well as offering it to someone who can refuse it , and someone who cant refuse it.

So, either Phil hasn’t been acknowledging and reporting problems the way he should be, or Gary is also a liar.

I believe Phil certainly knew about all the problems in this flat, as everybody else at the clubmore office knew about the problems in these flats. I know they all knew because several members of staff told me and my mum when we went to drop of letter from my doctors that they all knew how awful these blocks of flats were.

Phil has also indirectly admitted that he knew about the anti social behaviour problems to us, even after telling us that he wasn’t aware of them. He told my mum that there used to be a disabled man who lived in these blocks of flats that would keep the antisocial behaviour in line, but that he’s dead now.

Phil not only admitted here that he knew about the antisocial behaviour, he admitted he did nothing to stop it, and allowed a disabled tenant to deal with it instead.

Once again Phil can’t help but gossip, even when it contradicts the lies that he has told in the past, and even to people he claims are abusive, dramatic, strange people, who you cant reasonably hold a conversation with.

LMH Complaint

6. My mums concerns-

After the viewing, my mum also said that she didn’t like the way Phil had spoken to me, and that she too was concerned that Phil would talk about me, and tell my business to other tenants. She was also unhappy that Phil invited in another housing officer, then a cleaner, so that they too could hear my business, as she felt, and rightly so, that only those who needed to know should know what me and Phil discussed, not everybody including the cleaners.

However, understandably she was more worried about the universal credit issue, and the issues with drug use in the communal yard and it being right outside my window.

At one point during the viewing, Phil told us that the general area was a bad place to live in regards to crime. At this point, he did not specify what type of crime. Later, he said there was a drug problem “in these flats,” pointed out of the kitchen window to the back door of the block of flats I live in, which is literally right outside my kitchen window, and said, “you can see them doing drugs right there, outside this window.” Phil has since tried to say that he never mentioned the corner that he actually pointed to, that he meant the general area, but that is not what he said, and where he pointed to was very clear. Regardless of whether or not he meant the corner he pointed to, he specified that you could see the drug use outside my kitchen window, and the area I can see from my kitchen window is very limited and includes only the communal yard.

Offering a vulnerable, disabled woman, with my particular set of disabilities a property where drug use and abuse is a problem is not just negligent, it is very dangerous for many reasons.
1. It means that I probably could get hold of a lethal amount of drugs to use to overdose very easily.
2. People with borderline personality disorder can develop drug and alcohol dependency very easily. I have never used drugs and have never wanted to, but as previously stated it easy to take advantage of me.
3. Which means that I am an easy target to be exploited for money or robbed etc.
4. I am an easy target for any other type of crime, and not only are people who are under the influence of drugs more likely to commit crime, so are the people selling drugs.
5. If I was somehow drugged, or pressured into taking drugs, they can cause me to have a seizure because I have non epileptic attack disorder. Although NEAD seizures are not fatal in and of themselves, they obviously can lead to death in other ways such as falling and banging my head, falling and breaking my neck, choking, etc.

And let me be very clear here, although I have never actually seen it, because I can’t open my blinds, likely as a result of the drug use, because people regularly bang on my windows, there is certainly a drug problem both in that communal yard, very close to my window, and in the car park on the other side of my flat, which regularly causes issues right outside my living room and bedroom windows.

People regularly stand around in both the communal yard and the cark park, though mainly in the carpark, for seemingly no reason, then fights break out.

On a couple of occasions, there has been what sounded like parties in the communal yard, which again resulted in fighting, only on a much larger scale. This fight included people from my actually block of flats from upstairs, though I don’t know exactly who, as I just heard them, a man and a woman, come in from the fight talking about how they weren’t scared of the other people involved, some of who were rampaging around the car park half naked covered in blood shouting, go upstairs and into a flat.

I have personally, on several occasions, witnessed people trying to get out of our communal yard by climbing over the metal gate on [street name redacted].

How did they get into the communal yard in the first place without a fob to the buildings, which would also allow them out of the gate?

Surely if they had been visiting somebody that person would be able to help them get out of the flats.

I suspect they get in through the same gate, as somebody props it open with a brick so anybody and everybody has 24-7 access to the communal yard, then other people who understandably don’t want anybody and everybody to be able to walk in off the street move the brick and close the gate, and then the people who have already gotten in without a fob to buy drugs then can’t get back out so climb over the gate.
As previously mentioned, people constantly bang on my kitchen window and scream to into get the block of flats where I actually live, even though they don’t live in this block of flats. When I have reported this to Phil, he just shrugged it off as people not having their key which even if that was the  case is not acceptable especially at 1am. However, this is obviously not the case, as if they didn’t have their fob to the building they also likely wouldn’t have their key to their own front door, so me letting them into the building wouldn’t solve their problem as they would either need to call yourselves or a lock smith to get back into their own flat. They definitely don’t live here though, they can’t all possibly live here, its all different people and there are only six flats in this building. Sometimes they are even talking on their phones while banging, so they have access to a phone to speak to who ever they came to see to ask them to let them out of the flats, if in deed they know the phone number of the person which I doubt they do if they are just here to buy drugs.

Phil should not have just shrugged this off and suggest that I let them into the building even if he believed that it was just tenants trying to get into the block without their fob, as I was told on the day I signed for this flat that it was in my tenancy agreement that I don’t let anybody into the block that isn’t coming specifically to my flat. Yet the fact that he suggested that I leave my flat to let strangers into the block of flats I live in is very concerning, especially when he is suggesting I do it at one in the morning when I have taken very heavy medication. It is a direct risk to my personal safety and I could be robbed, beaten, raped, or murdered because of Phils suggestion. Just like Phils insistence I went and asked my next door neighbours to be quiet at mid night when I had taken heavy medication got me assaulted.

During my first couple of years living here people would regularly knock on my living room and bedroom windows several times a night. They were always looking for the flat next door, as eventually that is where they’d end up, at the flat next doors windows talking to them. The flat next door had at least ten times the amount of people knocking on their window as I did in a single night. Most of the time they would go to the window for a couple of seconds, speak to the person, then the person would leave. They also had, or have, a doorbell on their front door, which is weird in itself because it’s a flat with an intercom, however the doorbell would be ringing all day every day, and there is only three other flats in their block. I frequently get stopped by people looking for number [redacted], which I believe is their flat as I am [redacted] and the flat opposite the appears to be [redacted], but I can’t confirm this because they live in a different block of flats to me meaning I cant get inside the block, and even if I could it wouldn’t be safe for me to do so to confirm the number as one of the people who lives there has attacked me.

When we mentioned the doorbell to Phil, as a small part of one of our noise complaints, he said that LMH don’t provide doorbells so it was nothing to do with him or LMH.

What’s even weirder about this particular flat is that even the people who live there don’t seem to know who lives there. On the night they attacked me they told the police it was a mother and son living there, even though it’s a one bedroom flat, and on the 13^th of June the told the police they are a deaf couple.

Although since the pandemic the amount of people banging on their windows has decreased, I personally believe that there are drugs being sold out of that flat.

Torus complaint

section 1

5.c

In his email the next day, Phil says that he expected that I should have tried to make a good impression.

I could say the same about him, and he was the one you were paying to be there, or rather, he was the one out of the two of us at the viewing representing LMH.

Would he have said the same about me if my disability was Tourette’s syndrome, or I was a wheelchair user.

What Phil has done here suggests that I chose to be disabled, chose my disability, and chose my symptoms.

You and he can’t deny this, because Phil wrote “I was quite surprised someone would attend a viewing and act like this…”

So, Phil was quite surprised that a disabled person would attend a viewing and “act” disabled.

This is more belittling and discrimination from Phil.

God forbid I be disabled in a way Phil doesn’t approve of. God forbid I force a man of such high standing in society as Phil to have to be in the presence of a disabled person.

How dare I, a disabled person, come to view a property. Surely, I should just live under a bridge, where I belong, so that housing offices such as Phil don’t have to be aware of the existence of the mentally disabled.

Then he ends this same sentence with – “but this lady clearly has issues.”

Again, disability discrimination, and belittling of my disability.

Would you think it was fine for Phil to say a person who is a wheelchair user has issues because they are in a wheelchair?

Imagine if Phil had written an entire email trying to convince somebody not to rent a person in a wheelchair a property because in his opinion they are lazy.

Then imagine he ended it with the same words, “but this lady clearly has issues.”

Would you still be defending him?

Because this is what he’s done to me because I am mentally disabled.

And that is what you have done by defending him.

He ends this email with, “I just thought I will highlight this to you.”

All Phil has highlighted in this email is that he dislikes mentally disabled people, and believes it’s fine to belittle people illnesses and disabilities, and discriminate against them.

I assume this email went to a more senior member of staff than Phil. Therefore, a more senior member of staff is aware of his behaviour.

Did they tell him it was unacceptable?

Or did they just allow him to carry on?

Because he did carry on.

Where is their response? Meaning why wasn’t it provided in my DSAR?

Torus complaint

section 1

5.b.1

I appreciate that Phil is not a mental health expert, nor do I expect him to be one.

What I expected that a housing officer would be –

– professional

– respectful

– give you correct information

– not make sexist comments

– or lie to or about you

– wouldn’t try to force you back into work

– or dictate to you what career you should have

– That he wouldn’t gossip to or about you

– that he would listen to you

– and at least attempt to understand your disability and how it affects you

– that he wouldn’t belittle any disability or illness you have

– or discriminate against you because you’re disabled.

Torus complaint

section 1

part 5.b

Phil claims that during the viewing I behaved erratically. Yet, he does not give any examples of how my behaviour was erratic. This is likely because I wasn’t erratic, and Phil has no idea what erratic behaviour would look or sound like.

Either Phil doesn’t actually understand the meaning of erratic behaviour, which is – inconsistent, unpredictable, or irregular behaviour, or behaviour that is illogical for the situation or circumstances, in which case Phil shouldn’t use the word erratic, as people with severe mental illness can behave erratically.

If I was behaving erratically, I would have at best needed a break from the situation, or to be removed from the situation altogether, or at worst needed immediate medical attention, because if I was behaving erratically I would’ve been having a very serious disability related episode.

Or, all Phil knows about erratic behaviour, is that severely mentally ill people can display it.

If Phil genuinely believed I was behaving erratically, he should’ve ended the viewing for my safety and well being. Instead he chose to ramp up the stress and pressure I was under, which is not just unprofessional and irresponsible behaviour, it is dangerous behaviour.

If I had a seizure during the viewing, would Phil have behaved the way he did?

Would Phil have just carried on like I wasn’t having a seizure?

Because a seizure is just as serious as any other episode I have, including one where I display behaviour that could be described as erratic.

If he didn’t genuinely believe that I displayed erratic behaviour, and he lied, that is just a serious. Regardless of whether the lied to gossip about me, or to achieve whatever malicious intentions he had on sending this email, lying is both malicious and disability discrimination, as he clearly did it to make me seem strange, dangerous, and/or “crazy.”

Again, compare this to my seizure episodes.

How serious would lying that I had a seizure at the viewing be?

Because that’s how serious lying that I had any disability related episode is.

My behaviour was normal for both the event and my own personal circumstances. In fact, I would say I did very well considering considering I only broke down fully once I left the flat, and was where none of the staff, including Phil, could see or hear me.

During the viewing, I remember it was very hard for me. I was struggling. I was upset, worried, stressed, anxious, and scared.

I don’t remember crying in the flat in front of Phil, but I may have. However, it would have been a few tears here and there for a minute or two at the most. It would not have been full on sobbing.

All of this is normal when you consider the event and my circumstances, which I made Phil aware of –

– I was seeing a property I knew nothing about

– other than I had to take it or I would be homeless

– and was been told if I took it I would have no money for the next few months at all

– as well as that there was drug use right outside my kitchen window

– and it was in an awful, and dangerous area to live in.

– The reason I was seeing the flat was because I was losing the home I owned

– with my abusive ex partner.

– I had just lost my job because my employer wouldn’t provide me with disability related adjustments

– after two very hard years of fighting for those adjustments.

– I have two very serious mental illnesses – borderline personality disorder and non-epileptic attack attack disorder.

– And I had just been discharged from hospital after a suicide attempt.

– To make matters worse I was being spoken to like an animal

– being told what job I should have based on the fact I contain ovaries

– and Phil invited in two other staff members to get involved in the viewing- clara, another housing officer. And, a man who said he was there to clean the flat, even though it was beyond filthy when I moved in.

– Which would’ve been bad enough, but was made worse by the fact I struggle with people. Communicating and dealing with one family member under normal circumstances can be a struggle for me, so dealing with several strangers at once in a stressful situation is impossible and very distressing for me.

Torus complaint

section 1

part 5.a

written in 2022

Phil asked me at one point if I was working.

I explained that I wasn’t, because I’d lost my job due to mental illness, and was now very unwell as a result of that.

Here, Phil inappropriately insisted that LMH would get me back into work.”

The way in which he said it, would, if I hadn’t already been aware that this wasn’t the case, have led me to believe that trying to get back into work might be a condition of my tenancy agreement.

In fact his delivery of the sentence made me anxious to decline, because I was worried it would make me appear like I didn’t want to work, even though he said it in response to me telling him I am very unwell.

I am a vulnerable person, my anxiety, stress, and fear can cause me to be easily pressured into things that I don’t want to do, or aren’t right and/or best for me.

It did not feel to me like an offer, I felt like Phil expected me to agree to what he was saying to me.

Knowing that I was too unwell to even look for work, to the point it could be life threatening, due to the fragile emotional and mental condition I was in, I spoke up for myself, which was hard, and I pointed out to Phil that I had not long been discharged from a psychiatric hospital, and would need to get well before I was able to start looking for work.

Still, Phil persisted and went a step further by attempting to dictate what career I should have based on the fact I am a female, and his assumption of my gender. “I have a nice lady as a tenant who was sick too, and when she got better we helped her to train to be a nursery nurse. Wouldn’t that be nice? Wouldn’t like to be a nursery nurse when you’re better?” He said, in that voice that you would use to speak to an animal.

Would Phil have said this to me if I was a man?

I don’t think so.

However, even if he would have, I don’t think choosing a career for anybody is appropriate, and I certainly wouldn’t expect it to be part of his role as a housing officer.

How dare Phil look down on anybody this way, assuming that they are incapable of having or even choosing a career without his input.

I had a decade long career in banking, finance, financial services, and loans,. I do not need career advice from anybody, especially a housing officer.

I have a degree in a humanities subject.

There are many things that I would like to do with my life, that I probably would already be doing with my life now if it wasn’t for this flat keeping me sick, and none of them are being a nursery nurse. Believe it or not, my ovaries don’t ache when I’m not around babies and toddlers.

Let me make it very clear, that although Phil has made it obvious on several occasions that he believes he’s better than me, and all the other tenants in theses flats, he is not, and I sincerely wish four years on, and much distressing discrimination later, that I had told Phil I wasn’t an animal, so he wasn’t to speak to me that way. And, that choosing a career for a mentally disabled person is irresponsible, and dangerous, not to mention inappropriate.

All three of my mental illnesses present with stress related challenges and symptoms.

All of which are triggered and/or exacerbated by certain noises.

Mainly when stressed, I am prone to severe emotional and/or mental meltdowns, panic attacks that can be so bad I am completely paralysed during them, hallucinations, seizures, and suicidal episodes.

I don’t think anybody would disagree with me that one nursery age child is stressful, and loud. A whole classroom full of them is something else entirely.

Even once I’m in recovery, I will still be disabled, and therefore I will still have to avoid certain triggers.

Being a nursery nurse would not only have a negative impact on my disabilities even when I am in recovery, it would be a dangerous and irresponsible career choice for me to make.

Therefore it is not only a dangerous and irresponsible act for Phil to suggest it, it is inappropriate, and sexist because he obviously suggested it because I’m am female and Phil believes all female sexed people must constantly need to be around children.

Notes for section 1 part 5

Written in 2023

Did anybody bother to look into my complaints about Phils bigotry?

Or did you not have to because you were all talking about the way Phil did?

complaint to Torus

section 1

part 5

written in 2022

At the viewing, Phil made me feel very uncomfortable. He seemed to want to gossip, and got annoyed when me and my mum didn’t join in. Personally, I felt that Phil was being disrespectful to the people he was talking about. Worse, this made me worried that Phil would talk to other tenants about me as well as other members of staff which i now have proof of. Phil’s email the next day, reads partly (and at best) like gossip, both to me and other people I’ve shown it to, as do other emails he wrote about me.

He seemed to be easily annoyed, and became irritated and/or defensive whenever I ask him normal, relevant, and important questions about the property.

He made comments I found sexist, therefore offensive.

It felt as though I had to tell him more of my personal business than I wanted to, and certainly should have had to.

He made persistent attempts at what felt like forceful dictation to me on how I should be living my life.

Most of all though, it was obvious that he dislikes me, which I suspected at the time, and now know to be true, is because I am mentally ill.

In his email is about me, related to the viewing, he made several dangerous, disrespectful, and inappropriate comments about my disability, some of them belittling it.

He would go on to do this in person, regularly.

Though Phil might find me unpleasant to be around because I am disabled, his behaviour towards me has been very distressing and dangerous, and has therefore caused my symptoms to be more severe when I have had no choice but to deal with him.

It is clear that the email he sent the next day was sent with malicious intent, and was motivated by his hatred of the mentally disabled.

Notes for section 1 part 4

Written in 2023

Since writing this I have learned that severe and live threatening digestive issued can be cause by bpd, so again this is an example of Phil belittling my disability symptoms.

Why do I have the response to this email in my subject access request?

I am the subject of that entire conversation. Therefore, the entire email conversation should have been provided to me.

I would like that entire email conversation, along with all other conversations I was the subject of, such as the minutes of the meetings where mike told me I was discussed.

This is a request for a dsar. Please find and provide me with every written conversation about me.

Complaint to Torus

section 1

part

4.

written in 2022

It was obvious to me on the day that I viewed the flat that Phil Campbell had a problem with me, by the way he was speaking to, and looking at, me.

I recall several things from the viewing which were particularly upsetting, and my mum was very concerned about several things too.

Overall, she left the viewing so concerned that she phoned LMH to speak to (Gary) another staff member about these concerns. And, I left the viewing feeling as though I would be better off dead.

The viewing was in November. My suicide attempt had been in late August. I had only been out of hospital for less than two months. The first year after being discharged from hospital after a suicide attempt is apparently the most dangerous for a suicide survivor. The likelihood of another attempt is high.

What I remember –

Phil said that when I moved into the flat, my ESA would be stopped, and I would have to go without any money while I was assessed for universal credit. I’d only just been put on ESA, and not knowing whether I was going to get ESA, and how I would manage financially even if I did, was a contributing factor to my suicide attempt. In the August, I lost my job after a two year long battle to get disability support from my employer, which they didn’t want to give me, and which exacerbated my disability to the point I was no longer even capable of working. When I asked him how long this usually took, he replied that it normally took a couple of months. When Phil said this to us, he told us the reason was that all of [postcode removed] had been moved over to universal credit. I corrected Phil over the postcode as the flat isn’t in [postcode removed], it’s in [postcode removed] and requested that he double check for me that this was the case. He responded by snapping at me that [postcode removed] is still in [area removed], then tried to tell me, in a tone that suggested he thought I was stupid, that he said all of [area removed] had gone over to universal credit.

The reason I was moving was that I had found a buyer for the house I owned with my abusive ex partner, as I was having to to sell it due to not being able to afford it alone, so I was going to be homeless.

This meant that I was in band A, meaning that I could not refuse any property offered to me. It had been made it very clear to me that if I refused any property I was offered I wouldn’t be offered another (since moving in several people have tried to say this wouldn’t have been the case. I believe it would have been the case, because when we went to sign the tenancy agreement, there was a lady with a very small baby in the office, distraught because she had been in Band A, as she was homeless, and had refused what she was offered because it had severe damp and mould, and as a result had been taken off property pool. However, it is besides the point whether it was true when you informed me that I only had one offer, because you led me to believe it was true, therefore I was acting on what you, property pool, and housing options all led me to believe was true.) LMH offered me this flat. I did not bid on it. I knew nothing about the flat, or the area, prior to the viewing.

I even stated how I felt, which is that I had been put in a situation where I had to choose between either being homeless and having money, or having a home and no money.

After the viewing I broke down outside, and my mum even went back inside to request that Phill double check the information about universal credit was correct. When she came back out, she said he had seemed very annoyed, not only by her question, but because all three members of staff present where stood around chatting, and she had clearly interrupted them.

As stressful and distressing as the situation was, and would have been for anybody, it was made worse for me by my disability, and several other factors specific to my health and personal circumstances.

Thinking I was doing the responsible thing, I tried to talk this through with Phil, but now I see that was a mistake on my part, as Phil obviously dislikes mentally disabled people.

Firstly, I explained that I had just been discharged from hospital, where I had been admitted because I am mentally ill, and I was worried that I would end up back there if I was put in the situation I was being put in by having to choose between having no money or being homeless, as after my recent suicide attempt and because of my mental illnesses I wouldn’t be able to cope with the stress, so might end up being locked back up in a hospital, or worse I might actually succeed in completing suicide.

Phil just stared at me blankly, and didn’t respond.

Next, I explained my concerns that I wouldn’t have money for food. (I have nobody I could borrow money off, as my mum is only on ESA, and so she too struggles financially.)

Phil interrupted me to say that he personally would bring me food bank parcels, then asked would I like that in a voice you would use to speak to an animal.

At this point, I explained that I cannot eat several foods due to what me and doctors believed then, and still do, was due to food allergies (although it has been suggested this year, in 2022, by a nurse, that it might be an illness such as severe IBS, which is being caused or exacerbated by my severe mental illness disabilities) and that I almost died in 2014 because of these allergies, after becoming so unwell I was admitted to Fazakerley hospitals SAU because I was just hours away from my bowel rupturing. I explained these foods where in most premade food, and then I even listed them, dairy, garlic, onions, chives, leaks, shallots, asparagus (any other plant related to Lily family) (as well as aloe and weeds).

Phil replied that this was fine, as the food would be tinned food.

I informed him that if it was tinned food, he wasn’t correct, and that would actually be more of an issue, as most tinned food has either milk, garlic powder, onion powder, etc in it, but does not always list it individually, particularly the garlic powder onion powder, as they list multiple ingredients under “herbs and spices” and that I had experienced bad reactions to tinned food that did this in the past.

Phil looked at me as though I was just a fussy eater, and made a noise like he couldn’t deal with me.

I really shouldn’t have needed to go into as much detail as I did with Phil, a complete stranger, as everybody, including very young children, know that allergies can be fatal.

I shouldn’t have to go into as much detail as I am going to go into now with you to explain why Phil Campbell’s reaction to my food allergies was dangerous, but I’m going to, because you have ignored my concerns about Phil being dangerous whenever I have brought this up in the past. You’ve also tried to say several times that Phil does not belittle or play down the seriousness of peoples illnesses and disabilities. Yet, his email on the day after my viewing is evidence that he is and does.

Since I was a child I have suffered periods of very bad stomach pains and cramps, as well as vomiting if I ate certain premade foods. These came and went until I was 22, when I began getting horrific stomach cramps all the time, began to feel like had been set on fire from the inside out, and sweat constantly and excessively. I was so tired that I started falling asleep, and passing out randomly, sometimes in public, and once in the middle of the road, as in where the cars drive, while there were cars driving on it. I was constantly at the GP and walk in centres, but nobody knew what was wrong with me, or bothered to find out.

At 23 or 24, I woke up one morning with horrific pain in my throat, and no voice. I worked in a call centre, so this led to several weeks off work. After a couple of weeks back at work the same thing happened again, only much worse and for much longer, and at one point I was rushed to A&E because I couldn’t swallow, not even my own saliva so was choking, like actually choking to the point I couldn’t breathe. Due to how swollen closed my throat was, at this point I was given heavy pain and anti inflammation medication and referred to the ENT Department, where they put a camera up my nose and down my throat. My throat was incredibly “sore, inflamed, and damaged” and my vocal chords were damaged. It was eventually determined that my stomach acid was coming up into my throat so I was put on Omeprazole, which helped a little bit. I could speak, but the pain in my throat came and went, most of the time I had some level of pain in my throat.

Over the next few years, I developed painful ulcers in my mouth and on my face, which would eventually burst or need bursting because they were so big and heavy, so became large painful sores. People began commented that I smelt like new plastic.

Then one day in May 2014, I woke up feeling really very ill, so ill I didn’t want to eat or drink anything. After about 4 days I realised I hadn’t been to the toilet for a couple of days. I hadn’t noticed straight away because of how sick I felt, but now my stomach felt heavy, swollen and uncomfortable, and I felt like I really need to go to toilet but couldn’t. After a few more days of this, I called in sick to work so I could go to the GP, because I felt so bad, and I was given laxatives by the doctor, which didn’t work. On the Friday, I was in so much pain I couldn’t walk or even stand up. By the Sunday, I had to go to the walk in centre because I couldn’t move the pain was so bad. The walk in centre called me a taxi to A&E, and gave me a slip of paper. When I arrived and handed in the slip of paper, I was rushed to the surgical assessment unit, where a group of doctors swarmed on me to do a million test. Then, I was sent for an x-ray. After the x-ray I was officially admitted as an inpatient and told I wasn’t allowed to discharge myself, because my bowel was so severely impacted, and I had food in my stomach because my GP told me I needed to eat, that it was very close to rupturing, and leaving could be the difference between living and dying if it did, as they were prepared to rush me into emergency surgery if it ruptured.

After I was discharged from the hospital, I still had the impaction, but was just now on movi prep (a strong laxative they give to people preparing for bowel surgery) which I had to drink at least a litre of every day, as well as enemas. I was on this and could not work for several months, well into 2015.

My health issues were so severe during this time, and nobody could understand why, so I was tested for intolerances, coeliac disease, and even Crohn’s, all of which came back fine.

As soon as I was taken off the movi prep, I became constipated again and was put straight back on it. This cycle repeated for all of 2015. I was informed that for some reason my body was turning all my solid waste literally solid, into a clay like substance, and at one point I had so much of it inside me I had gained a stone in weight, which was literally solid waste. You can’t imagine the pain this causes.

Knowing that I needed to do something about this myself, because nobody was helping me anymore, in January 2016, I began experimenting with my diet.

The reason I began to believe that I had an allergy was that I had begun to get painful itchy rashes and my hair was falling out, and as I began discovering what foods were making me ill and cutting them out, I cut the same things out of my skin and hair products and also saw an improvement.

At this point I dropped below six stone, meaning I had the BMI of a dangerously anorexic person.

The doctors advised me not to eat these foods anymore, warned me that if I did have an allergy just because I had never gone into anaphylactic shock didn’t mean I never would. They took me off the omeprazole and sent me to a dietician, who helped me get my weight back to a healthy weight.

In short, this all means what I’ve been telling you all along. It would be irresponsible and dangerous for me to eat these foods. It would be irresponsible and dangerous for anybody to suggest I eat these foods. And, if it came down to eating these foods or starving, I would choose starving without a doubt, because the alternative would be actual torture, and potentially more life threatening.

As the words intolerance and wheat were never mentioned, it would be dangerous and irresponsible for somebody in a position of power, such as Phil Campbell, to say substitute the word allergy for intolerance, to play down the seriousness of my food related issues, in order to make it sound like I am a fussy eater or awkward, which is exactly what he did the following day, when he emailed someone (name redacted).

Was there a response to this email?

If so, why don’t I have that response?

Another reason I was concerned, which I never mention, because in comparison to starving it seems minor, was that I had worked in insurance, finance, financial services, and banking for the previous decade, since leaving university. Meaning it was all I knew, therefore all I could reasonably assume I would be able to get a job in, in the future. More than that, it was my career. It was a career that I wanted to get well and return to, and to do that I would need a perfect credit score, something I would no longer have it if I failed to pay my bills on time.

Additionally, there was something I didn’t know at the time of the viewing. Something I only found out after signing for the property. Something Phil should have not only known, but been aware would be a serious issue to a person with no money who was living in the property, which is that the property has prepayment gas and electric meters installed in it, so I would’ve had no heating in the middle of winter, no hot water in the middle of winter, and no way to heat up those tins of delicious (to me) poison-that Phil lied by saying he would personally deliver to me, as it in the email he says he would refer me to the welfare reform team to do that.

That day, after my viewing, I went home and contemplated suicide because of how Phil made me feel about the financial situation I would be in having no choice but to accept the property.

My mum went home and spoke (as previously stated) to another member of staff called Gary (who I would eventually see to sign my tenancy agreement) who took this more seriously than Phil did, and chose instead of gossiping about it to God knows who the next day via email, decided to check immediately if the information was correct, so found out within a matter of minutes that it was not correct, so I would not be forced to swap over to universal credit.

Almost 4 years on, I’m still on ESA, and haven’t swapped over to universal credit.

Whether the tenant is going to be forced to swap over to universal credit, so go without money for several months, seems like information that housing officer should know.

More importantly, it seems like information that housing officer should know for certain is correct before they give it to any potential tenant, but specifically to a tenant who has no choice but to accept the flat or be homeless, and who has just been discharged from a psychiatric hospital after their second suicide attempt.

Notes for section 1 part 3

Written in 2023

What haven’t you provided me with if this is what you did?

I think you thought it was perfectly fine for Phil to call me things like strange and act as though people are being demanding or dramatic when they talk about their disabilities and ask for support.

Did anyone check Phils emails and notes or ask anybody what he was saying about me?

Complaint to Torus

section one

part 3

written in 2022

From very early on in my tenancy, I notified you that I was being discriminated against by Phil Campbell, because I am mentally disabled, and that he also belittled my disability, as well as being generally unprofessional.

Every time I reported this I was told I was not being discriminated against, and that I would not be provided with an alternative point of contact as Phil was the tenancy officer for my flat, which was very distressing.

Suspecting that discrimination and abuse on the level I was experiencing it could not be hidden, I put in a subject access request and got back evidence of what I had been telling you all along, which was that Phil had been discriminating against me since my flat viewing. I believe this evidence is a very small fraction of the discrimination I was being subjected to by Phil within your office walls. If Phil felt safe to put his discrimination in emails, which he did, what did he feel safe to verbally say knowing that there would be no permanent record?

I don’t see how you were not aware of this behaviour. Either you didn’t care, or you made no attempt to investigate.

Therefore, you as an organisation have not only discriminated against me, but have allowed me to be abused by a person in authority, because I am vulnerable.

If I was in a wheelchair and I reported disability discrimination, would it have been taken more seriously?

How about if I was black, and reported a racist housing officer?

I don’t want answers these questions, they are for you as an organisation to examine?

You will find no matter how you answer these questions you as an organisation are in the wrong.

If you wouldn’t have taken these other examples seriously, then you are knowingly allowing your staff to abuse all vulnerable people.

And if you would have taken these other examples seriously, as an organisation you are saying you too do not believe the mentally disabled should be treated with respect, or given appropriate rights to disability support, and disability suitable accommodation, and that it is fine for your staff to abuse and mock us.

It is obvious that Phil himself was aware that his behaviour was unacceptable, as he tried twice to avoid sending me the information that I requested via my subject access request.

Personally, I feel his discrimination of me is criminal, in and of itself. Isn’t disability discrimination illegal?

However, it is my legal right to access my data, isn’t willingly attempting to deny me my legal rights a crime?

So what is trying to deny me my legal rights to cover up discrimination?

If I took this and the evidence I have to say a solicitor, what would they make of it do you think?

In my first subject access request, I asked for everything you held on me.

What Phil sent me was just letters I had handed into yourselves.

Therefore, I was forced to send in a second request listing specifically what I was after.

Phil then sent an email complaining that I had been given what I requested within the timescale stated to somebody (information redacted – why wasn’t I sent this persons emails about me? Is it because you still haven’t actually provided me with everything as I requested? If you haven’t why? I am the subject of these emails, so I am entitled to them. What are you hiding? If I got a solicitor to send you a DSAR asking for everything you hold on me, would I actually get it this time? – I would like everything you hold on me as it is my right under the subject access request laws. Everything. Absolutely everything. this is a data subject access request for everything you hold on me. And I would like somebody other than Phil Campbell, or anybody named in this complaint, meaning an impartial third party to deal with it.)

This is a lie.

Therefore, Phil is a liar.

This email seems to be a request from Phil to ignore as he puts it “what he finds excessive to say the least,” as though his opinion matters in this case. The law states I can request it. Therefore it is not excessive. However, it has been proven that it was not excessive because I got what I expected – evidence of Phil’s discrimination, belittling, and unprofessionalism.

This email is proof that Phil is unprofessional. It is it is his job to deal with DSARs, and I expect to do so without complaining about it and trying to get out of it.

Phil knew I was going to get proof of what I had been saying all along about him, and he tried to prevent that happening.

Note to section 1

part 2a
written on the 1^st November 2023

This is an update to the paragraph where I mention that the conditions of my flat are going to kill me.

They actually already should of as in September of this year a combination of mould and stress caused me to have to go to A&E as I was no longer able to breathe, I am asthmatic and the doctor had already changed my inhaler. At hospital I was prescribed steroids and anti biotics that they use to treat pneumonia and I have since had to be put on tablets every day along with my inhaler.

I post videos of my decline in being about to breathe on twitter and you all just watched as I literally almost died. But I will be talking about that later in my complaint.

I just wanted to say here that I should already be dead just a year after writing this and can not return to the flat as the conditions there have and will not improve, so I am technically homeless right now while I pay rent to you so you can destroy all my property.

Complaint to Torus

Section 1

part 2a

written in 2022

Four years on, and the issue with torus refusing to deal with, speak to, and/or send all correspondence to my mum, rather than me, is still on going.

People from torus still phone me, still send me post, and still insist that they have to deal with me because I am the tenant.

In 2018, some of my suicidal thoughts, the ones that didn’t feel like my thoughts, the ones I would eventually act on, caused me problems dealing with things, answering my phone, and opening my post, emails, texts, etc. These thoughts would tell me that I didn’t have to open my post, I could open my throat instead. These thoughts would tell me that I didn’t have to deal with something, I could set myself on fire or walk in front of a bus or lorry instead.

These suicidal thoughts that don’t feel like mine are now fully back, and getting more frequent and intense.

So, just in case you are still struggling to understand my request that you deal with, speak to, and send all correspondence to my mum rather than me, and why, I will put it in writing again here, explain why I am requesting it, and why following my request is so important.

Please deal with my mother, Gillian Heffey, on my behalf.

Please send all written correspondence to my mother rather than me, at 16 Mollington Avenue, L11 3BG.

Please speak to my mother rather than me, her phone number is 0151 226 8593.

I am requesting this as I am severely disabled by mental illness. I have borderline personality disorder, adjustment disorder, and non epileptic attack disorder.

Right now, this means-
– Some days I can’t answer my phone, open my post, etc, and/or deal with anything.
-Some days just the though of doing any of these things is enough to exacerbate my depression, stress, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, etc.
-I have episodes of dissociation, which include not remembering what happened during the episode. This means that if I am already having one of these episodes when you call me or I receive a letter from you, or speaking to you or reading your letter causes me to have one of these episodes, I am not going to remember what was said.
-I have communication issues due to my disabilities. I am likely to have emotional and mental break downs, melt downs, and outburst when dealing with anything while I feel unwell or which makes me feel unwell. THIS MEANS THAT I SHOUT.  I shout if I am angry, stressed, upset, anxious, depressed, etc, it is not a sign of aggression, it is a symptom of my illness. I MAY SEEM HOSTILE. Again, this is not a sign of aggression. It is a symptom of my illness. These symptoms are not things I am in control of. I am disabled. These symptoms are part of my disability. They are part of the reason that I am classed as disabled. I did not choose my symptoms. I did not choose my disability. Experiencing these symptoms can worsen my illness and symptoms, as I don’t like being this way. So does other peoples reactions to these symptoms. A SINGLE BAD INTERACTION WITH ONE PERSON CAN LEAVE ME FEELING SUICIDAL FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME AND HAS CONTRIBUTED TO ME ATTEMPTING SUICIDE IN THE PAST.
-I get confused easily and will mix up words, things, people, etc, while I am talking to people. I will be thinking of one word, thing, person, and say another, particularly if I am having similar problems with two different people, example, sometimes when talking about the noise next door I will say upstairs, because I am having noise related antisocial behaviour issues with both the people next door and the people upstairs. This can make conversations very confusing, especially when I don’t realise I am mixing up what I am saying, or if the connection to the two things I am mixing up only exists in my mind, for example I might say washing when I am referring to clothing because once you have worn them they then become washing, but I am referring to them when they are clean.

Writing this complaint has already taken me months. It will probably take me even longer to complete. Having to write this letter has and is greatly exacerbating my stress, anxiety, depression, seizures, suicidal thoughts, hallucinations, etc.

I have to write everything, re read it, and redraft it a million times before its even slightly understandable and followable. The fact is that I am too sick because of my current living conditions to even be writing this complaint, but those living conditions are going to kill me and so I have to write this letter and risk that doing so might kill me, because the alternative is either waiting for the conditions in my flat to kill me, or killing myself to end the suffering that my living conditions are causing.

Writing this is draining what energy I need to even just make it through the day. Writing this leaves me mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.

So please, do as I have requested, and deal with, write to, and speak to, my mum rather than me. I am classed as severely disabled for very good and serious reasons. You refusing to acknowledge those reasons or even that I am disabled in the first place is disability discrimination.

And listen, if you don’t like dealing with anyone other than the tenant, you can deal with me- once you move me so I can recover from what I have been going through, get well enough for therapies, and have gone through therapy to the point that I am managing my disability again- but until then you need to deal with the consequences of your actions, which is that you have not put me in disability suitable accommodation and that has caused me to become extremely and dangerously unwell to the point where I am unable to deal with anything myself, which means you now have to deal with somebody on my behalf.

Complaint to Torus

section one

part 2

However, I believe you were aware of the existence of this document all along, due to the fact that just days after filling out the request, Phil Campbell made allegations that my mother was verbally abusive to him on several occasions, which was not true.

Either, Phil Campbell is unable to differentiate between a person raising their voice because they are distressed, and a person raising their voice because they are being aggressive and/or abusive, or he was simply unwilling to deal with me and/or my mother, and no longer had what he believed was a valid excuse not to speak to us -denying me the support I need, because I am severely disabled, which is my mother speaking to yourselves on my behalf, knowing if he did this I was incapable if doing it myself and therefore he didn’t have to deal with us.

Regardless of which it is, Phil Campbell is not suited to his role, which I am sure brings him in to contact with many vulnerable disabled people every day. He is a danger to those people.

I do not believe it was a coincidence that Phil made these allegations just 21 days after that request was stamped by yourselves.

My mother admits that she raised her voice on the phone, but it was because she was distressed by having to deal with Phil Campbell, we both were (and I’m going to go into why later in this complaint).

As for the incident he says occurred in March, it didn’t happen at all. Me and my mother have never screamed Phil’s name out in the reception, why would we when we had been asking for anybody else to deal with instead? We had made it clear that we needed another point of contact. We literally wanted nothing to do with this man, as evidenced by your letter, where you say he will still be dealing with us.

There was no CCTV of this incident. And, I am sure if it had indeed happened, we would have been asked to leave the office, a record of the event would have been officially made by the staff who witnessed it, and Phil would have refused to deal with us then, as it was blatant, and had been for a long time, that he was looking for any excuse not to deal with us.

You state in this letter that I would still be able to contact you, but I was not able to contact you, as I am severely disabled, and part of my disability is that I have severe communication difficulties. Even if this wasn’t the case with my communication difficulties, I could not have dealt with Phil Campbell myself as he was discriminating against me because of my disability, which was terribly distressing for both me and my mother.

You also stated that I would need to arrange for another family member or friend to help me if I needed to come into the office. I have nobody else. You were aware of this. You asked me several times who I had to support me before I moved into this flat and after, and we told you nobody. I believe I would never have been moved into this flat if I had other people to support me. I believe you saw two vulnerable, disabled women and decided to take advantage of the situation, and put me here in this flat you knew was an awful unsuitable place, knowing that we had nobody to help us, and so I would be stuck here in this flat you were unable to rent to anybody else.

If during this six months, say my boiler had stopped working, I would have had no choice but to go without heating or hot water for however long it took me to feel up to contacting yourselves, and if I had then struggled to communicate with your staff in a way your staff felt was “appropriate” I might have just been hung up on, and had to go however long it was before I felt up to calling again. I do not mean hours to days, which would have been bad enough, I mean weeks to months.

You put me in a very dangerous situation, because you sided with a man in a position of power and authority over me with very little evidence to back him up, who was making false, malicious claims about me and my mother because he dislikes mentally disabled people, and in doing so you contributed to his discrimination and abuse of me, and put me in a very dangerous situation where I was cut off from you for six months.

Complaint to Torus

Section one

Disability Discrimination by my housing officer

Part 1

For several years, you denied me the right to appoint my mother as a point of contact on the basis that I am the tenant, even though I am severely disabled, and one of the reasons I am classed as such is because I struggle to communicate with other people.

In particular, Phil Campbell insisted that he would not deal with a third party on my behalf under any circumstances, while also stating that if I struggled to communicate with him when needing to speak to him, he would not deal with me, which is discrimination alone.

After filling out a request in your office, in the presence of a staff member, stating that I authorise my mother to deal with you, which was also dictated by the staff member and stamped, you then claimed no such authorisation existed, and yet, it has been sent to me as part of my subject access request.

Not only has this caused me difficulties and distress with having no choice but to try to communicate with you, it has restricted my access to get help with things when I desperately needed it.

The attachment in the email that I sent to Torus today

To whom it may concern,

Hopefully you are either Steve Coffey’s managers/bosses, or the owner/s of Torus, as those are the people I have requested my on going correspondence, of which this is the first part, to go to.

I am writing to inform you of actions I plan to take, and why.

My intentions are-

• To write a huge complaint about what I have gone through over the last five years of being a tenant, leaving absolutely nothing out.
• Aswell as to document what has happened to me through both anecdotal, and journal, style entries.
• To send you these part by part as I write them, and upload copies to my blog at the same time. This should give you sufficient time to read and respond to each part.
• Whether you respond or not, once I am finished, I will be sending he entire thing to the housing ombudsman.

My reasons for doing this, and doing it in the way I have stated is my intention is –

• For five year me, and my mum – on my behalf, have made complaint after complaint to Torus. At best we have been ignored. At worst staff members have made derogatory and stigmatising remarks about my disability and how it affects me, and called my mum abusive for being reasonably and understandably upset
• Due to you lack of response beyond generic copy past letters , and letters full of lies, we have not been able to get the ombudsman to help us.
• I wish for this to be the last time either me, or my mum, have to directly deal with Torus, and hope to raise enough awareness that either – one of the organisations we have been begging for help will finally intervene on our behalf, or my situation will reach somebody in a position of power who will.
• If the above point does not happen, and I die because of Torus, I ask that all of this be used as evidence in an inquest, and ask the judge to seek murder convictions for all those who have contributed to both my torture and death.
• In my opinion, things have now gone far beyond the point of Torus making the flat I rent suitable/safe/just liveable. I believe you have no intention of making it so, but even if you claimed to have done so, I could not trust you as you have claimed to have done so in the past, which considering I am writing to you now, was clearly untrue. I am now technically homeless, while you claim rent for me off the government, and have spent as much of my disability benefits as I could save furnishing that flat twice, only for it to be destroyed, and I can not afford to by a third lot. The voices of the people next doo immediately trigger my bpd, pnes and asthma as soon as I hear them. All of this means the flat is not safe for me to return to.
• Honestly it is my belief that I can not recover from what you have done to me, either mentally, emotionally, physically, or financially, and that I will die as a result of the torture and abuse you have put me through whether in the close or distant future.
• It is my belief that the only way out of this situation alive now for me, and without Torus actually being shut down  (as I am not the only person who is suffering abuse by Torus, others have come forward, and I am optimistic my public death would be the thing that finally gets Torus shut down, so you can no longer harm other vulnerable people) is if you paid me compensation so I could just walk away from that flat and replace everything I’ve lost, as well as money to facilitate a prolonged move if I have any chance at salvaging those of my possessions that can be salvaged, as due to the condition of my health and the condition of my stuff would take months. Compensation for the five years of torture and disability discrimination as well as the impact on my health over the last five years, and the effect the last five years is now going to continue to have on my health and my future, etc.

What I expect I will get from you is more derogatory and stigmatising remarks about my disability and how it affects me.

Whether I am right or wrong about this is down to you.

As is whether this situation continues on, or ends here and now.

I am just a mentally disabled woman fighting for my life.

You are multimillion pound company.

This puts you, not me, in the position of power to end this in away other than my death.

You might believe that position of power means you have no obligation to help me, or end this, as I do not have the health or finances to fight you legally.

Luckily for me I don’t expect it will be me fighting you legally. I expect it will be whoever is leading the inquest into the fact that I have died as a direct result of Torus abusing me because I am disabled.

Either way, I sincerely request that you read and respond to my correspondence over the next few months.

Rachel Vanncci

The email I sent to Torus today

To whoever opens this email,

I am requesting that it, the contents it contains and all future correspondence linked to it, to be sent to both whoever Steve Coffeys managers/bosses are and the owner/s or Torus.

My tenancy review meeting

Part 13

More disability discrimination

Due to my communication issues, we made everyone at Torus, including Phil, aware, from the very beginning, that until my health improved, my mum would be dealing with torus for me, at least most of the time.

Yet, Phil still refused to deal with her, insisting that he could not speak to her on my behalf even with my permission because I was the tenant.

Every time he said this, she would explain how I struggle and so can become upset and start to cry and shout. He told her if I became upset while speaking to him, even though it’s a symptom of my disability, and Torus were forcing me to live in a flat that was both exacerbating and triggering that disability, he would not deal with me, because he would consider my distress to be abuse against him.

Honestly, I think Phil just did not what to deal with anybody, or do his job at all.

He once pocket dialled my mum while complaining to other torus staff members that he wanted to go home.

Him not want to deal with anyone or do his job was fine with us if it meant we got someone else to help us, as we had requested several dozen times to have another member of staff to deal with, as Phils disability discrimination was not only distressing but a risk to my safety, but every time we were told Phil was my housing officer, and he wasn’t discriminating against me, so I wouldn’t be given another point of contact.

We couldn’t have been more clear to Torus that we wanted nothing to do with Phil, and yet, just three weeks after I signed an official document giving my mum permission to deal with Torus on my behalf, which is likely the next time we contacted Phil, he made a complaint against her, lying about two things that never happened.

The first was that she had been abusive to him. I believe he was referring to the phone call that happened on the day he pocket dialled us, where she was distressed due to him discriminating against me.

The second was that we had visited the clubmoore office and just stood there screaming his name in the middle of waiting area.

This obviously didn’t happen, and I’m sure if it had we would have been asked to leave, and Phil would have jumped on the opportunity not to deal with us right there and then.

By doing this, Phil left me completely cut off from Torus, as they didn’t just say she couldn’t contact Phil, they told her she couldn’t deal with Torus at all even to request repairs etc.

And I was too ill to do it myself.

My tenancy review meeting

Part 12

More gossip

Phil constantly tripped himself up, and exposed Torus’ policies to purposely and intentionally lie, due to his compulsive gossiping problem.

We see it in his file note, where he tells the Torus approved lie of, “Three have been no other complaints,” then he immediately can’t help but gossip to himself, saying, “She won’t get peace and quiet as the block where she lives is known for ASB,”

This, gossiping to himself, is bizarre.

Another time he admitted there was a known ASB problem in my blocks of flats, because he can’t help but gossip, was when he told my mum, “There use to be a disabled man in the block who kept the ASB in line, but he’s dead now.”

I find it alarming that torus have a history of putting disabled people in those flats that they know have an anti-social behaviour problem, then force those vulnerable people to keep criminal behaviour, “Inline.”

And they do expect this.

Phil told me to go around to the flat next door and ask them to be quiet and when I did and was attacked, the police almost arrested me for being attacked, because thy claimed that by going around to ask them to be quiet I incited my ow attack.

My tenancy review meeting

Part 11

Disability discrimination

By the time my first tenancy review meeting happened, I had reported both the noise next door and upstairs, as well as the impact that it was having on my disability on several dozen occasions.

When I reported the noise next door to Phil, he was adamant they had never had any other complaints about that property, which we now know was a lie, because the man who lives next door to me on the other side, has since informed me that he has been complaining about the noise from my next door neighbours since before I even lived there.

When I reported the man upstairs, Phil said, “Oh, so he’s noisy now as well is he?” As though we were lying.

Due to the fact that instead of improving, as we had expected it to, mu disability related health was deteriorating, I took the opportunity to explain in great detail how the noise was impacting me due to my disabilities.

I talked about-

• How it was triggering both my BPD episode and seizures.
• Making general living and everyday tasks difficult for me due to it exacerbating the symptoms of both my BPD and seizures.
• That I am on antipsychotics which are major sedatives, so if I can’t sleep during the night, I have choice but to sleep during the day or risk having a serious accident and or passing out.
• That my sleeping pattern is important to control both my BPD and seizures and the noise was already messing it up.

Phil once again went away and wrote about this conversation in a manner that made me sound, as he had put it earlier that same day “dramatic and demanding,” rather than disabled and requesting reasonable disability support.

Like with the “gluten intolerant” comment, he changed what I actually said to something entirely different.

He wrote that what I had said to him was that “I could not settle in the flat and wanted peace and quiet.”

Then he admits that I won’t get peace and quiet there, as the flats I live in are known for anti-social behaviour.

This is also an admission that they had other tenants complaining about the noise.

And that they knew those flats were not suitable for a person with my disabilities when they offered me it, knowing I was in band a on property pool, so could not refuse it.

This note is a perfect example of why a person in a position of power and authority belittling a disabled person disability when that disabled person is dependent on them for disability support is dangerous to a life-threatening level.

Yet every time we tried to report Phils discrimination against me to torus, we were told that he was not discriminating against me, even though there was written proof that he was in the emails and file notes he was writing.

My tenancy review meeting

Part 11
Another time Torus had no budget to fulfil their duty as a landlord.

Something I forgot to mention when writing about my living room window. Probably because it happened on one of the other occasions they came out to tell me they wouldn’t fix or replace my broken ones, as well as the fact that they said it my mum and not me, is that they were adamant I would have to wait for a window related scheme before I got new ones, even though my windows are over thirty years old.

Torus would not replace my broken, mouldy, unsafe, thirty year old windows unless it was on a scheme, and if there hasn’t been a window scheme in thirty years I doubt there will be one in the next thirty years.

Journal entry 2

29^th October 2023.

Today I plan to try to wrap up all my blog posts about Phill, so I can move on to that part of my complaint.

I want to apologise in advance, as this means lots of tiny notes about issues that won’t be addressed until later, such as noise.

Journal entry29TH of October 2023

For the las four weeks, I have been simultaneously counting down the weeks to my blog relaunch from four to one, while announcing that the relaunch date is the 30^th of November.

Honestly, even though I knew both Halloween and my birthday are next week, I thought I was counting down to the end of November and the beginning of December.

Even now, I genuinely don’t know what my actual plan was, whether it was to relaunch at the beginning of November or December.

I only realised my error on Friday, when I began scheduling my blog post for the beginning of December and noticed my others were scheduled for the end of October.

This is important to address, as I constantly talk about my struggles with muddling things up.

Usually, people just see me muddling up words and think that’s all it is.

Bigots on social media love to jump on this to call me illiterate even when I’m vocal, and have been vocal for a very long time, about it not being literacy related, but BPD related.

Even if I was illiterate, your still a bigot if you laugh at and or look down on a person’s intelligence and/or worth based on their English language literacy.

Some people-

• Have disabilities that do cause literacy problems.
• Were not financially able, or in the right are of a country, or the right family environment to get a decent education.
• Speak multiple languages, and English is not their first language.

There are hundreds of reasons why somebody might not have perfect spelling or grammar skills, etc, especially on social media, none of which are an indicator of their intelligence or worth.

But my favourite reason, where social media is concerned, is that it’s fucking social media, not a university dissertation.

However, it’s not just words I muddle up, its everything, and it adds to my disablist, as I can not, “make or carry out a plan” or “appointments”.

I mean, I also can’t do these things for much more serious reasons, but it is still part of the issue.

And it is part of an issue Torus have greatly exacerbated by denying me disability support I desperately need, yet if it effected my ability to make or keep an appointment with them, they would happily threaten to punish me for it, while referring to it being a part of my tenancy agreement.

I know they would, as they have done it for the more serious reasons that interfere with me keeping and making appointments.

And because it’s a silent condition of my tenancy agreement that I am neurotypical, apparently, based off the way the majority of their staff have treated me.

incident diary windows

entry a

https://youtube.com/shorts/oPiSDcOlVXM?feature=share

https://youtube.com/shorts/CDlChc-F6Vk?feature=share

My tenancy review meeting

Part 10

The window

That living room window has still, to this day, not been fixed.

I reported it several hundred times to Torus, before I posted a video of it on twitter in 2020 or 2021.

The next week surveyors called to make an appointment to come look at it, but by this point I was already sleeping in the day due to a combination of being kept awake at night by my neighbours, and being an antipsychotic user.

We asked torus to deal with the anti-social noise next door and upstairs, so I could correct my sleeping pattern, in order to allow members of staff to come in for repairs, such as the window to be dealt with, but they didn’t, so it hasn’t been done.

Let’s be honest though, they would really have fixed it anyway.

They made a big fuss about it needing to be fixed, just like they did with the mould this month, because it almost killed me, even though they haven’t been bothered about it for the other five years I’ve been reporting it. Then when they came out they didn’t even do half a job while complaining they didn’t have enough time to do that.

There is still mould in that bedroom.

My tenancy review meeting

Part 9
Note D

The word dramatic is actually well known to be a stigmatising comment used against bBPD sufferers, to the point psychiatrist have spoken out about not using it when referring us, or our behaviours and reactions, as we are not dramatic, we are suffering from severe mental illness.

The physical illness equivalent, would be calling a wheelchair user lazy.

In regards to the demanding comment, I assume Phil was referring to my request to make my flat disability suitable, which again is discrimination.

The physical disability equivalent would be calling a wheel chair user demanding if they asked for a lift to be installed in a block of flats where they lived on the twentieth floor, which only had stairs.

However, it is my opinion base on Phils behaviour and attitude that he thinks requesting safe living conditions such as, no mould, or no mice, is also demanding.

My tenancy review meeting

Part 8

An overheard conversation

Against my request to have the appointments on separate days, as I knew I would not be able to deal with both on the dame day, mum schedule the window appointment on the same day as the tenancy review meeting, because has mobility issues, so struggles to get to my flat.

After how ill I was during the days following my double-booked appointments, she never double booked appointments again.

However, her double booking, means that I overheard Phil making stigmatising remarks about me regarding my disability to another member of staff, to the point where after Phil left, I felt like I had to explain to that member of staff that I am mentally ill, which I should not have had to do.

But, then, I never should have been put in the situation where I had an episode in front of, or because of, a member of staff doing repairs, because that flat should have been in a safe liveable condition when I moved in.

Phil called me both “dramatic” and “demanding.”

Then the man came back in and pretend to seal the windows.

Obviously, he didn’t really do it, as Torus would never allow that.

And my blinds continued to blow in the wind while my windows were shut.

My tenancy review meeting

part 7
The window man

After moving into my flat, I requested new windows for several reasons-

1. The mould on the bedroom window.
2. How the window in the living was letting in cold air, to the point where my blinds blew in the wind when the window was shut.
3. They have no safety latches on, and I, understandably, suspected that somebody was pulling my windows all the way open.

When the man came, he refused my request for new windows, and even refused to put sealing on my living room window to help with the cold air blowing in.

My only tenancy review meeting

Part 6

Note c

However, Phil has gone beyond this to a more serious level of discrimination– making derogatory and stigmatising comments about me because I am disabled.

I have proof that he does this from his own emails and file notes, where he makes comments about-

• “My strange behaviour.”
• And warns other people about me.

My tenancy review meeting

Part 6
Note B

Discounting disabled peoples symptoms and lived experiences is discrimination by itself, as is belittle somebody’s symptoms and illness.

In this case though, its much more dangerous, because I was relying on the person who was doing it to me for disability support.

Belittling and discrediting a disability in my case is saying things like-

“A little bit of depression and anxiety.”

Or

“We all suffer from x y z.”

Instead of accepting I have borderline personality disorder, and that I am disabled by it, and how I am disabled by it.

Or changing things to make it sound less serious, such as –

“Wheat intolerant”

Instead of acknowledging the long list of foods I can’t eat, and that if I do eat them I am at risk of my bowel rupturing.

Or comparing suicidal pseudo psychos to a time when well people feel normally overwhelmed, to a normal level, by an appropriate thing.

Or comparing dissociation to a time when things were “a bit of a blur.”

Its more serious when a person in a position of power and authority does this to you, because you then don not get the necessary and appropriate help and support for your disability.

Which I obviously have not.

My tenancy review meeting

Part 5
Note A

Before I continue, I want to make it clearly that I actually don’t dislike Clara. Thats not to say I like her, I just have not experience the same level of disclination and unprofessional behaviour from her as I have from many other members of Torus staff.

Although I may be wrong, after all I am a terrible judge of character due to my empathy impairment,  which means I stuggle to read and understand people’s emotions and intentions, and it might just be that I have not had as much contact with Clara as I have with other members of torus staff, clara really did seem to be acting the way she was as a result of Phil directing her to.

My tenancy review meeting

Part four
Disability discrimination

Due to how stressed out the anticipation of this review meeting had caused me to feel, I don’t remember much of it.

The only memories I have are those that seem to remain to remind me that Phil posed a danger to me.

When talking about my disability, Phil, once again, put on that voice that you hear people use when speaking to dogs, and said in a manner which sounded as though he was telling me rather than asking me, “Do you suffer with a little bit of depression and anxiety do you?”

For the now one thousandth time, I informed him that no, I don’t suffer with a little bit of depression and anxiety, I suffer from borderline personality disorder, which is a very serious and complex mental illness that affects me to a disabling level.

Distressingly, when I tried to expand on this and explain some of the ways my illness affects me, he kept cutting me off to incorrectly correct me on how my own illness affected me and down play my disability.

For example-

If I said-

I get thoughts that don’t feel like mine, instead they feel like there is a worm inside my brain telepathically communicating with me through impulses rather than words, which tells me to set myself on fire and which I respond to with emotions of euphoric and amusement to the point I want to do it publicly and theatrically.

He said-

“We all feel like we can’t cope sometimes.”

As though I was saying I was a mentally well person, dealing with feeling a normal level of overwhelmed, in a normal way, because of a normal trigger.

The two of these situations aren’t the same.

They aren’t even close.

He also encouraged Clara to join in.

While explaining how I was likely not going to remember the majority of the review meeting because I dissociate, I was force to use the last time I was sectioned as an example, because they just didn’t seem to understand, but this only made it worse, as Clara cut me off and said just the way Phil had, as though she was telling not asking me, “Was it one of those times when everything’s a bit of a blur?”

Then, when I tried to explain that I was talking in literal terms, and that no it wasn’t a blur, I literally have chunks of my suicide attempt, that day, and the following week missing, she cut me off to agree with herself that what I was describing was just an experience that was “just a bit of a blur.”

Which isn’t the case.

Dissociation is a serious symptom of serious mental illness.

And a student psychiatric nurse has told me that I experience it in a way that people having sever bi polar episodes experience it.

My only tenancy review meeting

part 3

Due to how difficult the viewing had become as a result of three member of staff not only being present, but all thinking their opinion on everything including my complex disability was required and an educated opinion, my mum enquired as to whether it was policy, for example- a safety measure, that staff members come in pairs.

Phil informed her that I was not.

So, she requested that if the review meeting must go ahead on the date they said it must, considering my disability and how it affects me, that Phil attend alone, and he agreed.

However, when he arrived, he was with Clara.

On seeing Clara at the door, my mum asked could she please not attend the meeting, and suggested that if they had come by car, could she wait in the car.

Shockingly, Phil told my mum that Clara was “here now” and so she “had to come in, but he would make her stand in the corner.”

This is both bizarre, and degrading to Clara.

It is also not a solution to my problem, as she would still be present and so would still impact how much I struggled.

Obviously, we did not make Clara stand in the corner.

But even thinking about her doing so is very disturbing and gives me Blair Witch vibes.

Was she just going to silently stand in the corner watching?

Or was she going to join in by shout to us from the corner?

Or was he expecting her to face the wall like a naughty child?

If Phil is willing to degrade his colleagues in this way, he certainly isn’t going to have issues degrading tenants.

My only tenancy review meeting

part 2

My disability related health had begun to improve so much between me being discharged from hospital and moving into that flat, that I had been referred to an outpatient psychiatric facility, that specialised in therapies designed to treat bpd.

In fact, I had improved so much, that we expected I would be doing better, than I had been before my melt down at Santander, by the end of my first year living in my new property.

Because my illness causes me difficulties communicating, and how bad interaction can cause me to because unwell to a suicidal level, paired with Phil’s discrimination against me due to my disability and his unprofessional attitude and behaviour, we requested that the first review meeting be pushed back until I was coping better, for my safety.

Phil aggressively refused, claiming this couldn’t be done, as LMH policy strictly stated that each meeting must be done by a certain point in my tenancy.

Yet, when Phil couldn’t make the deadline for the first meeting it was pushed back with no problem.

And, when he just didn’t want to do the second meeting, it was called off all together.

My only tenancy review meeting

part 1

I was supposed to have two tenancy review meeting within my first year living the property but ended up only having one.

Torus claimed that they were to see how I was settling in living at the property, yet I had already told them the flat was not disability suitable, and requested to move by the first meeting, and they had no plan as to what to do if I wasn’t settling in, so they certainly did not have a plan for if the property was unsuitable for me due to my disability.

Which all makes me suspect that this wasn’t actually what the meeting was for.

Several people have independently speculated that the review meetings were to check-

1. I wasn’t subletting.
2. Didn’t have anybody else living with me, who shouldn’t have been living with me.

But, if this is the case, why are they allowing an entire family to live in the one bedroom flat next door to me?

Tenancy agreement signing

Note 2

Gary claimed that he used to work in a psychiatric hospital, so knew how bad BPD is, and how it effects sufferers.

The people at the clubmoore office later admitted everybody at LMH knew how bad the flats I live in are. Therefore, Gary knew that my flat was not disability suitable and was dangerous to a life threatening level to me, when he happily gave me tenancy agreement to sign.

Tenancy agreement signing note 1

At the signing of my tenancy agreement, with Gary, I was very strictly informed, even though he had asked me several times who else I had to support me apart from my mum, and I had told him nobody, that I was responsible for the behaviour of the people I invited into my flat.

He said this in a way that made me feel like he expected me to have people constantly at the flat behaving anti socially.

Wat this because of what Phil was telling everybody about me after the viewing?

Or was it disability discrimination due to me having BPD?

And why aren’t the people next door and upstairs being held responsible for both their own and their visitors anti-social behaviour.

Reasons why my flat was not disability suitable for me when they offered it to me

Part 2
Its a perfect place to poison yourself

Although I plan on going into greater detail about the mice later, I want to make a note here before I moved on.

LMH offered me that property knowing-

1. It had a mouse infestation, meaning I was going to need to have mouse poison in it.
2. That I had just been discharged from hospital after a serious suicide attempt.

Mouse poison is a popular way to kill yourself, because-

1. It’s porridge so, you can mix it easily into food.
2. It’s literally poison.

Rising damp?

A few months after I moved in, I noticed these weird marks around the bottom of the bedroom wall, which looked as though the paint had been washed off.

And that the paint was flaking off one of the walls.

On closer inspection, you could clearly see that this had happened several times and had just been painted over.

I now know the former issue is called tide marks.

And that both issues are a sign of risking ramp.

Poor ventilation

Torus

According to another surveyor who came out about the mould, there is a ventilation issue in my flat, but it’s one torus are to blame for.

My hallway as you enter the flat is a long L shaped windowless room.

Off it, to the left, is a windowless cupboard, which is the same length as the hallway.

Together, they make up maybe one fifth or sixth of my entire flat.

Neither rooms have vents in them.

The surveyor told us at least the cupboard should have vent in it.

He even put through a request for one.

But torus have just ignored that request.

Poor ventilation

The vent in the bedroom

It was while we were cleaning the bedroom, I was cleaning the blood off the walls, and my mum was cleaning what we though then was dirt, but now know is mould, off the window, that she noticed the vent was blocked up with soaking wet tissue paper.

As she removed it, she speculated that the reason it was blocked was because the bedroom got cold during the winter.

After living in the flat, I believe whoever blocked it up, did so to reduce some of the anti-social noise from upstairs and next door.

Although it probably didn’t make much difference, it would have slightly reduced the noise, as I’ve personally noticed, the noise is amplified in the bedroom by the vent, sort of like surround sound.

And the bedroom really isn’t cold, it’s the Livingroom that’s the problem with the cold.

I have never considered blocking that vent myself.

Yet, one surveyor we had out to look at the mould told me, as though I already had “Don’t you block that vent up, because that will cause mould.”

Him saying this alone, was as strange as I found the vent blocked up in the first place.

But the fact that it was, paired with him saying this, makes me wonder why he said it.

Has he been there to that flat before I was a tenant and witnessed it?

Either way, the vent was blocked by a previous tenant, and that mould was there when I moved in, so if that vent being blocked cause the mould, then it’s the previous tenant that is to blame for the mould.

More about the condition of the flat when I moved in

The intercom

You might recall, earlier, I mentioned that Clara rang the intercom during my viewing.

So did the cleaner.

And Phil when to answer it both times.

Well, that intercom, which looks like a wall mounded phone, was broken when I moved into the property. The part you speak and listen through lived on the floor, at the end of a stretched-out wire, because the part that held it onto the wall unit was missing. Due to this, the part you speak and listen through didn’t work.

Phil used it twice, so was aware that it was broken in a way that not only made it unusable, but that made it a trip and fall hazard, yet he could be bothered to have it repaired.

An overview of my flat viewing

After the viewing, Phil sent an email to another member of staff at LMH, warning them about me, and how I behaved at the viewing.

I will dissect that email in much greater detail later, as well as in my complaint to torus.

However, there is one point that I want to bring up now.

In that email, Phil says he couldn’t believe I behaved the way I did at the viewing, “While trying to make a good impression.”

What can’t he believe?

That a disabled person behaved in line with their disability?

Or that a person would behave appropriately to how poorly both Phil and Torus were treating them?

Because neither Phil, nor Torus, attempted to make a good impression at the viewing.

1. The flat was filthy.
2. I was incorrectly told my sick benefits would be stopped if I took the property, and that I would have no money to live off for the first few months there.
3. And that people would be regularly taking drugs directly outside my kitchen window.
4. My housing officer gossiped about another tenant to me.
5. And made misogynist and transphobic comments about my future career options.
6. Three members of staff made discriminatory comments and suggestions about my disability, including my housing officer.

But, Phil, the housing officer in question, can’t believe I had the audacity to turn up to the viewing mentally disabled, to the point he felt he needed to warn other members of staff about me.

Journal entrySaturday 28th October 2023

Thank you for reading my posts about my flat viewing. I know it was a lot. I don’t think any other single issue in this series is going to take up that much time and space, in terms of me writing about it, as everything other than my experience with having Phil as a housing officer with be far heavier in terms of photographic or video evidence.

Excluding, obviously my complaint to Torus, which is the entire point of me writing this series.

My plan for my next few posts is-

1. Today, wrap up my viewing posts with and overview and some notes that should have fitted into the viewing posts, but just felt to me as though they didn’t, mainly because they fall into a topic I will be covering later in more detail.
2. Finish writing about my experience with having Phil as a housing officer.
3. Post what complaints I already written about Phil.
4. Finish that part of my complaint.
5. Post any evidence relating to this part of my complaint.

This should take up the next couple of weeks.

How Phil’s behaviour contributed to the flu tipping

Because the fly tipping issue was partly caused by overcrowding and Phil was advising tenants to padlock bins shut, he was directly contributing to the fly tipping issue, as those bins belonged to everyone in the communal yard and locking them prevented other tenants from using them

He was also potentially getting those tenants into trouble with torus, if they ever found out that they were padlocking communal bins shut.

Anti-social behaviour

Phil also claims that he made us aware of anti-social behaviour in the blocks of flats including noise, which isn’t true.

All Phil said in regards to anti-social behaviour, was that there was drug taking in the communal yard.

He pointed, out of my kitchen window, at the corner by the back door of my block, and said, “You see them doing drugs right there.”

Phil denies saying this.

When my mum phoned Gary about the ESA, she mentioned this to him, as she was concerned about my safety, as a vulnerable, mentally disabled, woman, living in a block of flats where crime was taking place.

Gary assured her neither he, nor his manager Jerry, were aware of drug taking in those blocks of flats, and if there was drug taking, it should have been reported to Jerry, by the housing officers.

Phil did not mention noise ASB, I know this to be true for several reasons-

1. If he had the issue of ESA would have been redundant, as there would have been a much more serious issue with the flat.
2. I’d have broken down entirely as I could not have taken the flat, therefore would have been removed from property pool and been left to become homeless.
3. Phil would have mentioned how it was part of my “strange” behaviour at the viewing.

If Phil had mentioned noise ASB, I would have been clear I could not accept the flat, as I already knew my illness would have been effect by this, not because I had been in a similar situation, though if I had that wouldn’t make a difference to the fact that it wasn’t suitable for me, but because-

1. I was struggling with noise in public.
2. I had problems, near the end of our relationship, living with my ex as a result of noise he was making.
3. And was struggling with it at work during training sessions.
4. I knew that noise at night would keep me awake, and I am an antipsychotic taker, so if I don’t sleep at night I can’t function, have accidents, and pass out, so would have had to sleep during the day, which I shouldn’t do because-
5. I need a strict routine to help manage my both my BPD and seizures.
6. Then wont sleep again that night.

Are Torus purposely stealing money from tenants?

A single wheelie bin, according to google, currently costs thirty to forty pounds, which, if I remember correctly, was around the same price I paid around a decade ago for mine.

Phil tried to get me to buy two of them for the communal yard, which would have saved Torus, and cost me, sixty to eighty pounds.

If they provide one wheelie bin for every two people, which I’m guessing, based off what the call centre woman told me, that not every tenant gets a full bin, then that would be five bins for those two blocks of flats.

There are at least one hundred and thirty-eight properties on my street based off the fact that I have been in 69a, and the flats are not numbered a and b, rather they are numbered normally on the bottom floor, then have an a added to the number of the upstairs properties.

Let’s say Torus own half of those properties, which they probably don’t, they probably own most of them, and there is probably more than one hundred and thirty-eight, that’s 34 flats, and if each flat gets half a bin that’s 17 bins.

If Torus can find one tenant who is vulnerable like me in every two blocks and just keep getting them to provide the bins, they are saving five hundred to six hundred and eighty pounds, on my street alone.

Image how much they would save if they did this in every single block of flats they owned.

Again, I am happy to stand by the statements I have made here, not only because I feel like the entire reason Phil forced me to provide one bin, then tried to force me to buy another, is because he knew there was a fly tipping issue that was partly due to overcrowding, but, also, because after a couple of years they finally admitted there weren’t enough bins for us all, then had the cheek to say they were waiting for bins to be donated, which took forever, even though they have a duty as a landlord to provide bins, which shows they either aren’t prepared to spend money on bins, or have no budget for them, and why would they have a budget for bins if they are forcing vulnerable tenants to provide them.

Honestly, after writing all this, I also feel safe saying, Phil knows he never told us there was a fly tipping issue, because if he had, it would have been admitting that there wasn’t enough bins, and that would have prevented him from forcing me to provide Torus with free bins, and he was clearly prepared to see how many bins he could get me to pay for.

The obvious issue with over-crowding and communal bins

I am not opposed to sharing bins with other tenants, although I do fear getting hurt by, or sick off, something they dispose of dangerously.

But, there is a problem with these two blocks sharing bins, which is overcrowding.

As far as I am aware, there is no overcrowding in the block I live in, as there are six flats, I believe four have one bedrooms and two have two bedrooms, and that only six people live in the block.

However, the block next door only has four flats, which I believe are all one bedroom. The block next door to me definitely only has one bedroom and at least six people live in that flat.

This means that there are around three blocks worth of people, and only two blocks worth of bins.

This has obviously contributed to the fly tipping issue, as half of it is caused by people dumping bags of general waste outside of the bins in the communal yard, as there is not enough space in the bins, then never moving it.

The wheelie bin issue

Part 4

Upset and afraid that I was now in trouble with the council for “stealing wheelie bins,” I phoned Torus and requested they explain to Phil that it was torus responsibility to provide tenants with wheelie bins.

Either missing the point, or just purposely ignoring it, which was that Phil had told me it was my responsibility to provide and use my own bin, she told me that Phil would never had said “every tenant is entitled to their own bin,” which he hadn’t, and I hadn’t claimed he had, because the bins were communal bins for everybody in the two blocks to use, and that not every single person got a full bin, that the number of bins was calculated based on the overall amount of tenants living in both the blocks that shared the communal yard.

The wheelie bin issue

Part 3

Not surprisingly, the city council referred us back to Torus, not only because the fly tipping was on Torus’ property, meaning it was their responsibility to deal with, but because as a landlord it is also Torus’ responsibility to provide tenants with wheelie bins.

Then, she informed me that I actually should have left the bins I bought when I moved into my house at the house, because even though I paid for them, they did not belong to me, they belonged to the property, and that I could get into serious trouble for “stealing wheelie bins.”

The wheelie bin issue

Part 2

I neither bough another bin, because I couldn’t afford it, instead, stressed out and worried about getting into trouble with either torus or another tenant, I just had to do what Phil had warned me not to do, and use the bins that were already in the communal yard; nor did I padlock the one I had shut, as that would have been expensive, complicated and, considering my disabilities, unsafe for me to do. The bin that was already padlocked had two giant holes drilled into it, one in the lid and one in the side, which a chain had been looped through, then secured with a padlock. Not to mention that the entire situation felt off to me.

So, the problem with somebody else filling my bin up continued.

At first Phil made me dig through rubbish that could have contained glass, dirty needles, used tampons etc, to get a name and address of the person using my bins.

This was when my issues with cleaning myself began. I would shower, scrubbing everything including my hair, four, five, six times afterwards, then get back in the shower again straight after another two, or three times, and still not feel clean.

But, when I finally got the name and address of the person doing it, Phil wouldn’t take it.

It was during this time that the fly tipping problem became obvious to us.

After several months, Phill got so angry with us reporting both problems to him that, he eventually shouted as us to stop contacting him and claimed it wasn’t even torus responsibility, it was the city councils.

The wheelie bin issue

As soon as I put my wheelie bins into the communal yard, somebody else filled it up and dumped a large pile of bin bags next to it, as though expecting me to also put that rubbish out for collection when I put my bin out, which I wasn’t prepared to do, as anything could have been inside those bags.

Due to Phil being firm that I had to provide and use my own personal bins, we phone him to report that another resident had done what I had been told not to do and ask what I should do with my rubbish in the meantime.

Phil was not happy with us contacting him about this. His response was that, short of buying another wheelie bin he could not advise me how else to deal with my general waste until collection day. Then he insisted I should padlock my wheelie bins in the future, as though locking up your waste is a normal thing to do.

As bizarre as suggesting somebody padlocks heir wheelie bin shut is, I know for a fact I was not the only resident Phil advised to do this, as there was already at least one wheelie bin in the communal yard padlocked shut. A detail I had found strange until this conversation.

Floating memory c

Maybe, Phil really does think he mentioned the fly tipping issue in the communal yard to us at the viewing, even though he did not, due to a particular demand he made of me. As in, he might have said what he did as a way to bring up the fly tipping issue, then forgot for some reason such as getting side tracked by telling us another piece of gossip, or something similarly unnecessary and unprofessional.

However, I believe it’s more likely torus are using their most vulnerable tenants, the ones who aren’t going to question them, either because they don’t have the ability to, or are too scared to, to pay expenses, and do jobs, that as a landlord Torus are both responsible for paying and doing.

Phil was firm with me that LMH would not provide me with wheelie bins, neither for general waste, nor for recycling, and that as a tenant it was my responsibility to buy both from the council.

When me and my ex-boyfriend bought our house, I had to buy us wheelie bins from the council, so I actually believe this bit of information was true.

Having no money, I was forced to bring the bins from that house, as I could not afford to buy new ones as soon as I moved into the flat. This was really difficult for me, even then, before I had my self-cleaning OCD, because it meant putting filthy, smelly, wheelie bins into the moving van with all my stuff.

My flat viewing

part 20
Mind your business

Torus is not blameless for Phils behaviour.

It is obvious from their own, and the Torus foundations, social media posts, that they give themselves credit for both helping people get well and get back into employment, when what they actually do is make their tenants sicker and keep them out of employment.

The irony of this, is that, if Torus just minded their own business, and did the jobs they are supposed to do as a housing association, their tenants would be able to get better if they are sick, and get back to work if they are unemployed.

As long as Torus are-

• Getting paid the rent they are owed.
• Not making tenants sick and/or keeping them out of employment.

Then a tenant’s health and employment status is none of their business.

All Torus have to do to help their tenants be well and employed is make sure-

• The property is suitable for their tenants medical/disability needs.
• The property is in good condition.
• The property has no infestations.
• There is no anti-social behaviour being perpetrated by, or effecting, their tenants.

Yet they choose not to do these things.

Instead, the try to get involved in their tenant’s medical treatment, which is not only invasive and degrading, its dangerous to a life threatening level because are not medical professionals

While, telling their tenants what job to get and when.

My flat viewing

Part 19
Don’t ask, don’t tell
Part 3

In my case, Phils nursery teacher comment was also transphobic.

Although, my personal opinion is that it was not Transphobic, rather non binary phobic.

I am non binary, more specifically I am genderfluid, and I had been out a couple of years, so I wasn’t hiding my gender.

However, I also don’t advertise it, in fact, I am very vocal about how I shouldn’t have to, and don’t want to.

I never chose to be gender non-conforming, or fluid, so I don’t want to have to tell everybody I meet my pronouns and gender, I simply want them to accept me for the person I am without commenting on it.

And honestly, I think this is what every genuinely trans and non-binary person wants. To just live their lives as the gender they are and present as and be accepted.

The fact is, that as a non-binary woman/female, the majority of non-binary phobia I experience is also misogyny.

All Phil had to do at the viewing not to be Transphobic to me, was not make any misogynistic comments to me, such as, because he can see I have ovaries, I should get a job working with very young children.

That’s it, that all Phil had to do not to be Transphobic, and he couldn’t do it.

My flat viewing

Part 18
Don’t ask, don’t tell
Part 2

As soon as Phil began telling me another tenants business I was horrified.

I’ve had people try to make excuses for him, for some reason, such as, I didn’t know the tenant, and he didn’t tell me the tenants name or address etc.

That doesn’t matter.
And it doesn’t excuse his behaviour.

Firstly, it’s unprofessional.

Secondly, it’s a breach of that tenants’ rights.

But, mainly, it’s that gossips, gossip.

I knew that if Phil was taking to me about another tenant, he would talk about me to other people, and that would include talking to other members of Torus staff about me in a way that went beyond necessary and appropriate.

I was also in a vulnerable position, where I could not refuse to give Phil any information he demanded no matter how personal, and it did feel as though he was requesting more personal information about my life than was necessary or appropriate.

That is why, when Torus refused to listen to me about his bigoted behaviour, I knew I get proof of it in a DSAR.

It was so obvious Phil did not like me, yet he couldn’t help but gossip to me.

Because, gossips, gossip.

My flat viewing

Part 17
Don’t ask, don’t tell
Part 1

Phil didn’t even attempt to ask me what my future career plans might be.
Please don’t take this the wrong way. I would not have wanted Phil to have enquired as to what my future career plans were. Its none of his business, but, also, Phil is the last person I would want to tell any of my business to.
My point is simply this, if he had asked, maybe somebody brighter than Phil at Torus would have foreseen the current situation between me and the company as potential risk, if they put me in that flat.
Especially, if he had simply bother to listen to what I was telling him about losing my job…
And my disability.
My career ambitions at this time were-
• To get another job in either finance or banking, but int the fraud department, and work my way up to being a fraud investigator.
• To write horror and fantasy.
• To continue to learn how to paint, and get back into illustration, sculpting and textiles.
It would have been obvious to anybody with common sense that I am not the type of person content to do nothing with my life, and that I would consider Torus preventing me from getting well for five years stolen time.
It would have been obvious that a person like me would know that what Torus have done to me is wrong, that I would have understood that if they were doing it to me they were doing it to other people, and that I would have began to think about how I could put all my knowledge and skills acquired through my specific education and employment history to use in fighting Torus and fixing the system.
And that this battle would have spilled out on to the internet, where I would scream and scream and scream because of how mentally unwell they have made me.

My flat viewing

Part 16
Nursery Teachers

Let’s start with Phils nursery teacher comments.

Phils assumption that I would excitedly jump at the chance to be a nursery teacher is so layered with bigotry its hard to know where to begin.

If Phil had made this comment knowing absolutely nothing about my employment history, that would have been misogynistic enough, in my opinion, given that is my belief that he only assumed I would love to be a nursery teacher because I wasn’t born with a penis.

I’m confident to continue based on that opinion, as Phil was aware that I had just lost my job at Santander which is a bank, not a nursery or day care. He was aware I had both wanted, and fought, to continue working at Santander, as I told him my fight for reasonable adjustments had gone on for so long, and was so difficult, that it had exacerbated my illness. If I hadn’t wanted to stay employed with Santander, them refusing me reasonable disability adjustments would have been the perfect excuse for me to leave Santander and find another job. On top of that, I had been clear that part of the reason I attempted suicide was because I lost my job.

All of this is enough for me to be sure I’m right, and its not even taking into consideration the two biggest cluse I had no desire to be a nursery teacher.

The first of which, is that I obviously applied for a job at Santander which is bank.

The second being that I was almost thirty two at the time of my viewing, if I had wanted to be a nursery teacher, I would have already been a nursery teacher.

Which raises the question of whether or not that other female tenant had wanted to be a nursery teacher, or whether it was Phils idea.

As well as the question of why, if Phil thinks being a nursery teacher would be such a nice job, he isn’t one.

After all, this was 2018. Surely Phil is aware its ok for men to want to be nursery teachers, and for women not to.

None of this is me looking down on nursery teachers, or anybody who wants to be one, male or female.

My mum was actually training to be a nursery teacher before she had me.

And educating young children is an important job, and I imagine an extremely difficult, job.

In fact, that is another point I want to raise about this comment.

Although a person with BPD who is well should not be prevented from becoming a nursery teacher because they have BPD, and I am sure many people with this illness do the job perfectly well, and to say otherwise would be disability discrimination, expecting that I should be able to a job like this when I have made it clear that I am disabled is also discrimination, because it ignores that I am severely impaired in the ways that I personally am severely impaired.

Stress has been the reason for every suicide attempt I have even begun to make, I and personally think it would be stressful to have one child of your own who is nursery ages.

Being responsible for somebody else’s very young child, never mind a group of them, must be incredibly stressful.

And that’s not even taking into consideration noise and dirt/germs are huge triggers for me personally. In my experience, young children can be loud and messy.

Then there is the issue of the assumption that I am incapable of making decisions about my own employment or education options. I do wonder whether this is just Phils inferiority complex at work, where he must believe that Torus tenants are inferior to him, because he has such terrible issues with his own self-worth, that he must project that onto everybody else and have it effect their lives in very severe ways.

Again, ill stand by everything I have said here, because it never occurred to Phil that being a nursery teacher would be outside of my financial reach, because I have what the government, not me, classes as a higher level of qualification, which is a bachelor’s degree. This also mean that I’m a qualified specialist in certain things.

If I want to teach, I will take a PGCE, which is actually an option for me financially, as I would be eligible for a student load to do so, this is because as I said, I am a specialist in certain things, and teaching young adults and adults is actually thought of as more important, again by the government not me, to nursery teaching, causes the quite depressing reality that, nobody I know who works in or understands the education system would actually choose to be a nursery teacher over being a teacher, or a college or university tutor.

Again, that’s not me looking down on nursery teachers, I actually think nursery teachers should be paid more and have more career progression opportunities which they don’t. Nursery teachers have a lower highest salary potential than the starting salary for other teaching roles, as well as less opportunities to progress or branch out. This is why, many nursery teachers return to education to become teachers.

If by this point you aren’t convince that Phil is a bigot who shouldn’t be doing a job that puts him in contact with vulnerable people, I hope it has at least convince you he’s not qualified to be suggesting education and/or employment options, never mind telling people what qualifications and jobs they should be pursuing, which is what I felt like he was doing.

And honestly, I don’t think anyone at Torus is probably qualified to be doing this, but I think they all believe they are.

My flat viewing

Part 15
A more in depth analysis

Let’s analyse Phils, behaviour during this very small part of our much longer conversation, and what it tells us about Phil as a person, not just because I want to, but because it is important to.

It is important for two reasons-

1. It helps us judge whether there is any bigotry or malice Phil might be acting under the influence of.
2. It helps us judge whether Phil should be allowed to do the type of jobs he’s doing, which puts him in direct contact with some of the most vulnerable people in society.

And we need to judge these two things in order to try to understand why Torus may have treated me the way the have, as either all Torus staff are like Phil, which I know might seem unbelievable but I actually think this is the case after dealing with so many of them, or Phil has set the bar for how I should be seen, therefore treated by Torus staff, as for far too long, considering how he was speaking to me and treating me, due to my disability, Phil was our only point of contact, and no matter how much me and my mum tried to raise concerns about his behaviour towards me, nobody else would listen to us, never mind help me.

My flat viewing

part 14
Misogyny

“I lost my job because Santander wouldn’t give me the reasonable disability adjustments I needed, then I tried to kill myself, so I’m currently too sick with my BPD to work. I’m waiting for specialist therapy’s that my psychiatrist says I need to even start my recovery,” I explained to Phil.

When he responded, it was as though he hadn’t actually been listening to me, so had only heard the “I lost my job” part of my statement.

“Don’t worry about that, LMH will get you back into work in no time,” he said this so confidently, and forcefully, that he made it sound like being employed, or at least searching for employment, would be a requirement of my tenancy.

So much so, that even though I was sure that couldn’t be the case, I was afraid to repeat that I am disabled and was too ill to work due to my disability, but I did, because trying to work, even at this point in time, would have literally killed me.

“Don’t worry about that, well get you well in no time, he responded in the same confident tone, again, as though he had not been fully paying attention to what I was saying, because if he had been paying attention, he would have understood that nobody at LMH was qualified to be getting involved in my medical treatment.

Just like the information he gave me about my ESA being stopped, telling me LMH would help me get better has proven to be a lie.

In fact, they have caused my disability related health to decline, to the point I really should be dead because of that flat.

“Then, well get you back into work, he continued as though I would never be able to get myself a job without somebody else helping me do it. Before he had even finished his sentence, his eyes lit up and his speech quickened, due to how excited he was becoming at the though of telling me somebody else’s business. “I had a tenant, a lady, who wasn’t also wasn’t well, (like all illnesses are equal and the same) and I helped her get better, an then I helped her train and get a job as a nursery teacher. “Here his voice changed again, to that voice that you would use when speaking to a dog. “That could be you. I could help you get a job as nursery teacher. Wouldn’t that be nice? Wouldn’t you like to be a nursery teacher?”

Extremely uncomfortable, and taken a back, by not only the fact that Phil though it was fine to even begin to discus another tenants business with me, but also with the misogyny behind Phils assumption that I would jump at his suggestion that I, little old me, who only has a Bachelors Degree in Fine Art, and had only worked in finance and banking for the last ten years, could reach the dizzying heights every woman aspires to reach of being surrounded by very young children all day every day, I stared at him, my neurodivergent brain unable to identify the correct human response I was supposed to give here. Now I’m not sure there is a correct human response to Phils type of behaviour.

My flat viewing

Part 13

Misinformation Kills

People think that when you are sectioned following a suicide attempt, you are treated with medication and therapy, and only discharged once you are no longer a risk to yourself.

The opposite is true.

In my experience, you are given neither medication nor therapy, you are simply held there until one of three things happens-

1. You demand a solicitor, which is your legal right when you have been detained in hospital against your will.
2. The time they are allowed to hold you for, based on your diagnosis, runs out, according to the girls I met who also had BPD during my last hospital stay, for me that would be four weeks, and the psychiatrist sort of confirmed that.
3. The psychiatrist in charge can believably claim they were sure you were no longer an immediate risk to yourself.

You are discharged, usually with no follow up plan for out patient care, unless you were already getting it.

The reality is, and this is an actual statistical fact, that you at greater risk of not just reattempting suicide, but doing it successfully in the weeks and months following your discharge.

So, when Phil told me that my ESA would be stopped, I was a hight risk for a successful suicide attempt.

In the hours after my flat viewing, I sat at home, staring at the wall contemplating suicide.

I could not fail again.

When my mum got home, she called Gary, the person Phil had informed I was taking the flat, as though I had a choice, in a “surprised” tone, and asked him would he please check whether my ESA would be stopped when I signed for the flat, as he was the person we needed to see, to sign the tenancy agreement.

He agreed to double check.

Then went and actually checked.

The answer, was no, my ESA would not be stopped, the information Phil had been so adamant was correct, that had caused me to sit and contemplate suicide, was wrong.

My flat viewing

Part 12

The fake emergency call

Lets jump ahead here, to the end of the viewing, so we can move on from the topic of the disability discrimination, at least in relation to the ESA, that I was subjected to at my flat viewing, by, now that I am recalling it in detail, all three members of staff present that day.

After we left the flat, I only made it out of the street, and to the end of the next street, before breaking down completely.

In fact, I was so unwell at this point, as a result of being told my ESA, which I had only just been put back onto, was going to be stopped, that I was actually afraid that I was going to “throw myself in front of a car” again, on the way home.

Seeing how unwell I was, my mum, probably not wisely, left me on that street corner, and went back to the flat to ask Phil, one last time, to please double check that the information he had given me about my ESA being stopped was correct.

If you guessed that his answer was still no, you are correct.

If you also guessed that she found all three staff members stood around chatting, as though Clara didn’t have that meeting with another tenant, that she now would have been over half an hour late for, you are also correct.

My flat viewing

Part 11

A personal issue with having zero income in that flat

In regards to my then career, which I wanted to progress in, and which if I can not go back to once I am in recovery, which is now likely the case due to being unemployed for five years, may leave me with no other prospects, having no income would have destroyed it,.

I had overdraft fees, and furniture I had almost finished paying off on credit, which would not have been paid.

To work in finance and/or banking, you need a great, if not perfect credit rating, and that was the industry I had worked in for over decade.

Sadly, due to how long I have now been out of work, I very likely wont be able to go back to working in finance or banking anyway, and so Torus have destroyed my career.

My Flat Viewing

Part 10

Another serious issue with having zero income in that flat

Another very serious issue with having zero income while living in that particular flat, that Phil should have been aware of, is that the previous tenant was on prepaid gas and electricity meters, meaning I am now on prepaid gas and electricity meters, so I would have had no gas or electricity during the winter.

My Flat Viewing

Part 9

More Obvious Issues With Having Zero Income

Food aside, there are many other obvious issues that having absolutely no money coming in would have cause me, especially for a two month time period, which likely would have increased due to the Christmas holidays falling within those two months.

How would I have cleaned myself, my teeth, my hair?

Was I expected to just go without tampons and bleed all over myself, my clothes, and my furniture?

Was I meant to not clean my mouldy flat that had mice shitting in it and pissing all over it?
And live for several months with someone else’s shit all over my bathroom, their blood all over the walls and body hair in every single room? Because, that flat was not clean, when I moved into it.

Did I deserve to lose all my teeth, and be degraded by bleeding all over myself, while not being able to clean myself, my clothes, my furniture, because I had been unemployed due to disability discrimination for two months, and was having to sell my home?

My Flat Viewing

Part 8
Disability Discrimination
Part 2
People who don’t want to be beggars can’t be choosers

Baffled by how Phil could not see there were serious problems that having no money at all would cause a person, I pointed out that I wouldn’t be able to buy food.

I was about to expand on this, to point out that not being able to buy food meant I would starve, when his eyes lit up, he smiled this smug little smirk, then cut me off to inform me that he knew I was selling my house, as though he had caught me in a lie, and tell me that he wanted to know why I couldn’t use the money I was getting from the sale of my house to buy food.

The use of the word money here is a direct quote.

Even if I had been receiving money from the sale of my house, that sale had not completely yet, and I had no control, or idea, of when it would, at this time, as both me and my ex-boyfriend had already signed all the sellers’ parts of the paperwork, and just had to wait to be notified once the sale was finalised. This eventually happened in the January of 2019, as nothing happened with the sale for several weeks over the Christmas period.

However, due to the circumstances around why we were selling the house, we were selling the property at over a six-thousand-pound loss, as we were asking for just enough to break even so we weren’t left with either money on our mortgage, or joint equity deal, which we still owed money on to the property developers, who we had directly purchased the property from, and who still owned under 20% of our property.

Phil didn’t seem to understand any of this, yet he kept asking why there was no equality in the house, while using the word equality incorrectly several times, like he though I had just taught him the word, but he didn’t actually understand what it meant, but was insisting on using it anyway, so I thought he had always know what the word equity meant.

No offence to anybody who doesn’t know what the word equity means, when referring to a property’s value, or when selling a property. The equity is the overall value of the property minus anything owed in fees, sales costs, mortgages, etc. Put simply, its what you might be able to take away from a sale. People don’t always sell a property for the full value, and they don’t get the full amount a property actually sells for. Phil seemed to think that property had to sell for what the estimated value was, and that you got literally the value of the property back in full, like mortgages and sales fees, etc didn’t exist. And he was using the word interchangeably for money.

The point I am making is that I only know this after the process of buying and selling a shared equity property, and five years of working in banking.

Yet, Phil could not let himself feel as though I wasn’t inferior to him, and his own self worth was so fragile that not knowing a word, I assume lots of people wouldn’t know, made him feel inferior to me.

A person like that, should not be doing his job.

Phils behaviour, in regards to how he aggressively questioned me about the house I was losing, was distressing. I had put every penny into that house, and if we had sold it under better circumstance, which was something I had been willing to do, both of us would have walked away with a couple of thousand pounds. If that had happened, I wouldn’t have even been renting from a housing association, because I would have had the money for a deposit on a private let, and I had always rent private lets in the past.

Eventually, I suggest that could bring a copy of the paperwork from the court case, where all the details of how we would sell the house had been officially worked out, into the LMH office, if I could get it, and he instantly stopped interrogating me, which makes me believe he shouldn’t have been interrogating me on the matter in the first place.

Here, I believe there is a slight gap in my memory of this conversation, as the next thing I recall is him taking to me in the sort of voice you’d speak to a dog in. He was saying, and I quote, “I will bring you food parcels. Would you like that? Would you like it if I brought you food parcels?”

If you think this is strange, that he personally would bring me food parcels, I felt that way too, and when writing about it later, he didn’t mention offering to personally bring the parcels. Instead, he wrote something which seemed much less creepy and much more realistic, which is that he would refer me to either a food bank, or a department within Torus who dealt with food banks, but at the viewing he did say he personally would bring me the parcels, because I remember feeling very uncomfortable with the idea of Phil coming to my flat when I was alone, even more so than I normally would.

However, there was something far more concerning in his later emails and notes about this conversation, which is that he claims I asked him if the food would contain wheat because, I am wheat intolerant.

None of that is true.

What I said, was that I could not accept food parcels, as I have a genuinely life threating reaction to many of the ingredients that are used to make most processed foods, and that a lot of the time, the ingredients that I am most at risk of reacting to, aren’t listed in the ingredients, as they come under the collective term of “herbs and spices,” and that this is definitely the case with tinned and canned foods.

During this, I listed all of things I can’t eat, whether those things are common in processed foods or not.

Here is the list-

• Dairy, which includes, milk, butter, and cheese.
• All plants from the lily plant family, which include, onion, garlic, shallots, chives, leak, and asparagus
• Aloe
• Weeds, including, dandelions and nettles.

Then I explained to him the reaction I have to these foods which is that I stop passing solid waste completely, because my solid waste literally becomes solid, or as the doctors put it, it turns into a hard clay like substance which cannot pass through my intestines, and that in 2014 I came extremely close to my bowel rupturing, due to this, which would have either killed me, or resulted in me wearing a colostomy bag for the rest of my life, and that the doctors though it was likely an extreme allergic reaction, as this is how allergic reactions can sometimes present with all of these specific food groups.

(However, I have since learned that one of the lesser known symptoms of BPD, is severe and life threatening digestive issues, though a medical article I read online.)

At no point did I use the words wheat or intolerant.

But even I f I had, it’s my opinion that nobody should be forcing anybody who is wheat intolerant to eat wheat, and if they did, they certainly shouldn’t be calling it a favour or an act of charity, because what it is, is abuse, as you are literally poisoning that person.

I did however use the words “I will die, if I am forced to eat it.”

My Flat Viewing

Part 7
A Real Life Game Of Would You Rather

At some point in the viewing, for some still unknown reason, that I can only speculate on, Phil decided to tell me that immediately after I signed my tenancy agreement for my flat, my ESA would be stopped, so that I could be swapped over to universal credit, as the property was in a universal credit post code, and that the process of swapping someone from ESA to universal credit usually took around two months.

As soon as he told me this, I began to panic. However, I just about managed to hold it together enough that I didn’t melt down, at least not at first, because the postcode he gave me when saying the flat was in a universal credit post code, was not the properties actual post code.

For example- If the post code of the property was L1, he sat it was L20.
(These aren’t the real post codes, rather the postcodes I will use here, in this post as a stand in for the real postcodes.)

When I pointed this out to him, he exploded on me in this really weird way, where he didn’t shout at me, rather he very forcefully put me in my place, while both staring at me in disgust, yet managing to also be wearing a furious expression.

The best way I can describe it, is that his reaction made it very clear to me that his opinion was that he was above me in social standing, and that I had no right to question him.

It was, as I believe he intended it to be, very intimidating.

He said it didn’t matter that the post code he had given me was L20 but the actual post code of the property was actually L1, because both those postcodes covered the same area. This directly contradicted his entire reason for why me ESA would be stopped, which was that ESA and universal credit are post code, not area, dependant.

If I could have dropped the subject, I would have, but I couldn’t, because he had basically just told me I had to choose between having money and being homeless and having a home but no money.

This is a choice nobody should be forced to make, but especially not a person who has recently been discharged from hospital after being section for a failed suicide attempt.

Much more timidly, I explained my situation to Phil, then requested that he please check that the information he had just given me was correct.

Again, he forcefully insisted that he didn’t have to check, because he knew the information he had given me was correct.

This is when I began to cry, but I still wasn’t hysterical, just overly teary eyed.

I turned to my mum and addressed her only, and nobody else, telling her I didn’t know what to do, because if refused the property I would be removed from property pool, but if I accepted it, I wouldn’t be able to cope financially, and therefore mentally.

Nobody allowed my mum to reply.

The cleaner must have a psychiatric degree, seeing as, according to him, people just have to tough out difficult stuff sometimes.

The word impossible, rather than difficult, would have been an understatement when describing this situation LHM were more than happy to put me in.

I wounder if he would have felt as qualified to give a wheelchair user the same advice on walking up a hundred flights of stairs every day for two months.

Clara agreed with him, because everybody these days is a mental health expert, yet nobody seems to understand that mental health and mental illness aren’t the same, while being adamant a person disabled by mental illness should be able to do what a mentally capable person would struggle to do.

Sighing before he responded in a pissed off voice, Phil asked why I wouldn’t be able to cope, as though my reaction was completely out of order.

In my, more qualified opinion, being the only person there that day who has a mental illness, obviously based on their reactions, even a mentally well person would have been upset by the choice I was facing, so to me either option was literally a death sentence, as I am not a well person, I am a disabled person, due to serious mental illness.

My Flat Viewing

Part 6
Floating Memory B

Clara was not the only other member of LMH staff present at my flat viewing.

Somewhere, in between Clara arriving, and when me and my mum left, a man turned up carrying a vacuum cleaner, claiming he was there to clean the carpet, and Phil thought it was not only appropriate to allow him into the flat during the viewing, but to also allowed him to take part in our conversation.

I find this really inappropriate, as not only were we discussing very person details about my life and health.

But, also, at this point, I had already made Phil aware that I struggle to not only communicate with people, but to just be around people.

There were far too many people around me, and talking to me at that viewing, and I began to get distressed and struggle to communicate more as a result of this, the longer the viewing went on.

My Flat Viewing

Part 5
Floating memory A

Not long after I had joined my mum and Phil in the kitchen, the intercom rang.

Phil went to answer it, and when he returned, he was with another housing officer, Clara.

What followed, was obviously the housing officer version of an arranged phone call in case you want to cut a meeting of some sort short.

He was a while returning, and the distance from the communal front door to my front door is less than ten steps, so they were obviously talking privately for a few minutes outside, so they could have had the conversation they had in front of us, in private, ten time over, but they didn’t, as it was clearly staged to try to get us to leave.

She asked him whether he was done with the viewing, because he had promised her that he would accompany her to an appointment, which she was now in a hurry to get to.

He agreed to accompany her, but then both of them stayed for at least another half an hour, during which time Clara made no attempt to contact the tenant her meeting was with to inform them that she would be late.

And they didn’t leave once me and mum left, but I am going to tell you about that late.

Moving Forward

As I have explained, in my posts about dissociation and how it affects me, I have really struggled to write about the viewing, because

1. I am missing parts of what happened at the viewing.
2. The parts I have don’t seem to be in the correct order, but I can’t put them in the correct order.
3. I have several parts that sit outside the complete memory, as though they are separate memories.

This means that my recollection of the viewing is gappy and disjointed, so does not flow like recounting a single event should.

For this reason, I have decided to split it up into sections, with each section covering a single piece of my memory, or issue as the subject.

My Flat Viewing

Part 4
Disability Discrimination
Part 1
Complete Disinterest

After my very quick look around, I joined my mum and Phil in the kitchen. The first thing I did, is the first thing I always do when I meet new people in a formal setting or meeting, since my diagnosis in 2016 2017, which is to inform the person I am meeting that I have borderline personality disorder, which is a very serious mental illness, that currently affects me to a level where I am disabled, and that it makes everything extremely difficult for me, but especially communication and just being around people.

Several times during me explaining this, he rolled his eyes. I couldn’t work out whether I was boring him, or whether he thought I was being dramatic.

Once I finished, he stared at me blankly, which made the situation much worse for me, as other people’s behaviour has a massive impact on how my bpd affects me in the moment.

For the entire viewing, Phil acted as though I hadn’t told him that I was mentally disabled, which is what I am, I am disabled, and my disability is mental illness, therefore I am mentally disabled.

My Flat Viewing

Part 3
Suspicions
Part 2

Once inside, Phil seemed reluctant to let me look around, the reason why will be clear if you read my posts about the state of the flat, both on the day of the viewing, and when I moved in.

Although looking around did sort of seem pointless, as I had no option to refuse the property, which you will already know if you read my posts about both property pool and direct matches, and I wasn’t feeling up to the viewing due to my already poor health, on to of which viewing the property was exacerbating my illness, as viewing a property is stressful, and I struggle to communicate, or even just be around people, I was there, and isn’t the point of a property viewing, that you view the property, so I insisted on having a quick look around.

Every two seconds, while I walked around, Phil would ask me, in a really demanding tone, whether I was taking the property.

I responded several times that, “I had no choice, I had to take the property, as I was in band A in property pool, meaning I had no refusal rights.

Each time he behaved as though I hadn’t answered him, so eventually, fed up of having repeated myself thirty times in the space of a minute, I told him yes I was taking the property.

As soon as we entered the flat, Phil had headed string into the kitchen, and at this point my mum was in there with him.

She remembers him immediately calling a man named Gary (who I will talk about in more detail later) and informing him in a surprised tone, that I was taking the property.

When she recalls this, she unintentionally mimics his tone, and to me it doesn’t sound surprised it sounds like a person who just conned somebody and is supper pleased with themselves, and I’ve worked in sales with some shady as fuck people, so I know that tone well.

My Flat Viewing

Part 2

Suspicions

Phil was late for the viewing.

Something that I personally found strange on the day, was that Phil did not meet us outside the building, which is how I have always been greeted when viewing properties, even with flats. Instead, he came from inside the block, opening the communal front door, and called us inside the building.

What made this even stranger, was that he had not come from inside my flat, which you might assume was the case, if he wanted to inspect it before the viewing to make sure it was in a good condition, which he certainly hadn’t.

I know for a fact that he had not been inside my flat at all earlier that morning, as he struggled to get inside the flat, just because there was this weird clunky key padlock on the door, which I have since learned are put on hard to let properties as extra security.

Phil behaved as though he did not expect the keypad lock to be on the door, even though he obviously knew it would be as he had the code to open it, and that he didn’t know how to press numbered buttons at all, never mind in the correct order, then he blamed whoever put it on, calling them “stupid,” because, “it was on upside down.”

Now I have actually lived in that flat, it is my belief that the reason Phil was late that day, and why he came from inside the building, was because he came from the block next door.

Why would he be coming from the black next door?

Maybe, he paid my next-door neighbours a visit to ask them to be quiet for an hour, and that is why the flat quiet that day.

There is also no doubt that property was a hard to let property, at least in my mind.

My flat viewing

Part 1

Me and my mum were early for my viewing. This wasn’t on purpose. My mum has her own disabilities, which affect her mobility, and understandably, we wanted to make sure we arrived on time.

From the outside, the several block of flats, appeared to be a perfectly pleasant place to live.

On the morning of the viewing, it was silent there.

The only other resident we saw, was a woman from the next block, quietly having a cigarette outside, before going to, and coming back from, the supermarket.

The communal yard was so clean, that neither of us thought it would be an inappropriate place to allow your child to play, when we saw the tiny pink scooter laying in the communal yard, next to the glass door.

I want to make it clear, that at no point, did Phil, the housing officer. Make us aware that there was a fly tipping problem in that yard, and especially not right outside the back door (where the Childs scooter was laying) and my window.

Journal Entry

Tuesday 17^th November 2023

As you probably already know, if you follow me on Twitter/X, I have decide to write, and try to publish, an autobiography about my experience as a disabled housing association tenant, which will be created from what I write and publish here, on my blog.

Other than that, the plan hasn’t changed.

After two weeks of writing, I only have around eight thousand words, which is four days’ worth of blog posts, however I am hoping now I am getting back into writing almost every day, I will start to increase the pace at which I write.

Right now, I am concentrating on my health, to be exact, fixing my sleeping patter, as my psychiatrist has said that it is the most important thing to do, which is what I have been saying all along, so I haven’t been back to the flat since Thursday.

In regards to the condition of the flat-

1. Somebody came out and “treated the mould,” but they did it reluctantly, and by treated, I mean they cleaned half of it, then painted over that some half.

There is still mould in that bedroom. I need to photograph it next time I go back to the flat.

I am going to start a working list of things I need to do.

• Somebody else came out to “fix my front door,” and by fix, I mean just photograph it.

I am going to try to see if I can find the companies Torus use for repairs and maintenance,etc, and see if I am allowed a subject access request from them about what work they have come out to do during my tenancy.

I know HMS is one of them.

And I don’t think I will be allowed a subject access request, as I don’t own the property, but it’s worth trying.

Update On Housing Options

Last week, I followed the link in the automated message that housing options sent me when I first emailed them to ask them how I request a subject assess request in July, and found a page where it allows you to request one, which I did.

Let’s see if they actually acknowledge my request this time.

A better look

On moving day, after the moving company left, and I finally got to have a good look around, I was shocked to find that the flat was much filthier than I thought it was on the day of the viewing.

As we tried to clean, it became obvious there were bigger issues than simple dirt, and the longer I lived there, the more I learned those issues included several life-threateninginfestations.

All of my guesses at what the crap covering everything was, was certainly correct to a point, for example, the inside of the toilet was covered in human waste, so I expect the outside was to some extent too, however what other parts of the crap was, I never could have imagined because I had never lived in a slum before becoming a Torus tenant.

Now I know the bath and tiles in the bathroom weren’t dirty, they were mouldy, as were the blinds in the bedroom, which I couldn’t replace, due to the window they were covering also being mouldy, and in such a bad condition we couldn’t get it off.

Probably, predicably, the carpet didn’t look like it had been cleaned, but that could also have been mould, and it was infested with flees.

There were bloody handprints smeared along one of the walls in the bedroom. I found the source of this blood when the flees forced me to rip up the carpet. Whoever had fitted it, had cut themselves badly on the carpet grips, bled all over the flat, and never cleaned it up. And just to show you how much blood had not been cleaned up, it was obvious they cut themselves in the Livingroom, yet there were puddles of dried blood all over the hallway and bedroom floor, underneath the carpet.

Behind the door in the bathroom was a heated towel rail that was so rusty we couldn’t remove it all.

The entire flat was covered in either male body hair, pubes, or a combination of both.

When we were cleaning the kitchen, I noticed these hard, weird black lumps that sort of resembled instant coffee grounds, but which felt like they were glued down, and theywere in only the lower cupboards and not the cupboards up on the wall. The reason for that, I found out later, was because it was mouse crap. Which means the brown puddles next to it must have been mouse piss.

The first time I tried to open the top draw of the kitchen cabinet, it fell off and almost took my toes off with it, it smashed me in the foot that hard.

The previous tenant had left behind grimy, rusty pans, a mouldy shower curtain, and a virgin media box, none ofwhich Torus removed, because the probably never even inspected the flat before letting me view it, or after.

Reassurances

During the viewing, Phil, the housing officer, must have caught me either staring at the mystery crap stains in the kitchen, or pulling a disgusted face as I accidently touched one, because he assured me the flat would be clean when I moved in.

Like an idiot I believed him, even though with hindsight it seems obvious it wouldn’t be, as it should have been clean when I viewed it.

And as if to confirm he was telling the truth, a man carrying a vacuum cleaner turned up while I was there and said he was going to clean the carpet.

What I noticed about the condition of the flat at my viewing

The bathroom

Around the base of the toilet, on the lid of the toilet seat and around the toilet was, was black and brown chunky dirt, that resembled faeces.

There were orange and black grimy looking stains all over the bath and on the white tiles around the bath.

Over the sink, on the black tiles, were hard yellow lumps which appeared to be glue.

I did not go inside the bathroom, just observed from the doorway.

The bedroom

Another room that I did not go inside and just observed from the doorway, was the bedroom.

Other than the blinds, which looked dirty, from the outside, the rest of the room looked fine, and I planned on getting my own curtains anyway.

The kitchen

Although the kitchen work tops were darkly coloured, so hid most of the crap that was on them, I could tell it was there, as they were sticky wherever and whenever I touched them, and the cabinet doors, which are a lighter fake wood design, were splattered in crap, in a variety of different colours.

The living room

Like the bedroom, the living room appeared pretty much ok, other than some paint that was missing from the wall where it seemed a TV had been mounted.

The carpet

Excluding the bathroom and kitchen, the entire floor of the flat was carpeted in this dirty looking white shag carpet.

A successful suicide on Gubbys third floor

It happened just before the implosion of the penthouse crew.

When Mel told me about it, she claimed it had traumatised her. Yet, to me, she seemed completely unaffected by it, but I acknowledge that my judgement of her here would be both ignorant and hypocritical. After all, I am apparently empathy impaired meaning I struggle to, and sometimes cant, read peoples emotions and intentions, and due to my borderline personality disorder, I don’t behave how people expect a person to behave, ever, but especially in stressful situations.

It happened, if I remember correctly, on a Saturday morning. The residents from Gubbys other third floor, which was where Mel lived, had been out the previous night in central London.

The girl whose screaming woke the entire third floor that morning had brough her boyfriend along, as he was visiting her that weekend.

By the time Mel, who lived opposite her, made it into the corridor, several of her neighbours were already out there, trying without success to force open the unlocked door of the room the screaming was coming from.

“She’s behind the door, and she wont move,” one of Mel’s neighbours explained.

Another was speaking to the girl behind the door, trying to find out what was wrong, and persuade her to move away from the door.

Mel was a larger woman, both tall and sturdy, yet even when she charged the door, it didn’t budge.

It took several of the largest women to open the door just wide and long enough for the smallest of the group to squeeze through.

What she found inside had caused her to leave university, because she most definitely was traumatised.

At some point during the night, while his girlfriend slept, the vising boyfriend had hung himself from the hinge of the door, which made sure it shut and locked behind you.

Panicking, she had pulled open the door while he was still hanging there, desperate to flee, but instead closing the hinge, which severed whatever it was he had used to hang himself, causing him to fall on top of her.

Ways in which it was obvious my flat was not suitable for me part 1 Its a perfect place to hang yourself

Despite housing options being adamant that they would not take my disabilities into consideration when rehousing me, which they didn’t, they did inform LMH that I had recently been sectioned for a failed suicide attempt.

I also told them this, at the viewing.

Yet, there are several places both inside my flat and in the communal area, that are perfect places to hang yourself from.

1. The stairs in the communal hallway.

The staircase in the communal hallway has a metal banister, and no mesh guard on the first floor. This means that unlike a wooden banister, that you would have in a normal home, it wont break under the weight of an adult, and because there’s no guard rail you can jump over the banister, possibly snapping your neck in the process of hanging yourself. However, there is a bend in the staircase in between the ground floor and first floor that is high enough for five foot me to hang myself from.

 

2. The closing hinge on my front door

The is a reason psychiatric hospitals do not have those v shaped hinges at the top of doors that make sure the door closes behind you, which the one on my front door doesn’t even do, so it is useless, unless of course you want to hang yourself from it, which bring us full circle as to why these types of hospitals don’t have them, they are perfect to hang yourself from.

In fact, I knew of a person who successfully hung themselves from one of these before I was even sectioned the first time.

3.The heated towel rail in the bathroom.

4. The weird square handle on my cupboard door in the hallway.

Journal Entry

Saturday 14th October 2023

I have taken a quick look at my first few complaint entries, which I wrote in 2022.

It seems I thought that the best place to begin was with my first housing officer, Phil, and how he discriminated against me because I am disabled and abused me.

Current me agrees this is the best place to start. However, while doing this I believe I need to include information not relevant to this part of my complaint, rather to the part about the condition and suability of my flat, because both Phil and LMH completely ignored all this when they should not have at the time they offered me the flat and allowed me to move in.

So, here is my current plan on how I am going to approach my complaint.

First, I am going to talk about the parts relevant to the conditions and suitability of my property that both LMH anPhil ignored, which were obvious issues at the time of my viewing and when I moved in.  These will likely be straight to the point lists.

Then I am going to tell you about my first housing officer. This will probably be in my usual style of autobiographical stories.

After which, I am going to go straight into my complaint about my housing officer, including any evidence I currently have.

Dissociation Type 2 The out of body experience

The second type of dissociation I experience is much stranger, and is the “out of body type”, which is apparently common among suffers of borderline personality disorder.

What isn’t common apparently, the way I experience it.

Others say that during this type of dissociation, they watch themselves do things from outside their own body.

For me, it is how I image a playable game character must feelwhen somebody is playing as them. It is as though I am trapped inside my body, while somebody else is controlling it.

Dissociation Type 1.D Floating memories

So, finally, here it is, the new form of memory dissociation, that writing my post about my flat viewing caused me to discover I have, and what has made it impossible to write about so far, I have floating memories that my brain can’t put in order at all.

The only way I currently have to describe it, which I admit doesn’t come close to explaining well what I am experience, is if we use the alphabet method.

I have the event, in an order I am not sure is correct, which is let’s say –

BDOSGKXRQ

But I also have

The number one, a triangle shape and the colour blue.

When I recall the viewing in my mind, my mind tells me things happened in an order I am not sure is correct, but there are other memories that are definitely from the viewing that I cant place at all, just floating along the event timeline searching for the place they fit but never finding it.

Recovered memories

Doctors have told me this type of dissociation, meaning dissociation that effects your memories, is caused when your brain purposely chooses to hide memories from you.

As I understand it, my brain makes the memory, retains the memory, but buries the memory for whatever reason.

Whether this is true, I’m not qualified to confirm.

However, based on my own experience, I would say it probably is true, as I have at least one recovered memory.

This is a missing piece of the episode that led me to be sectioned in 2018,d and was missing up until around 2020 or 2021 when it hit me how I imagine flashbacks hit people.

Dissociation Type 1.c A single event with missing and/or mixed up pieces

By the August of 2018, when I was sectioned for the second time, I was experiencing another form of this type of dissociation, which seems to occur exclusively as a result ofsevere borderline episodes, at least in my case.

This form does not affect me in the moment. Instead, it affects me when I recall the even, whether that be on purpose oraccidentally. When I do, pieces of the episode are missing and/or mixed up.

If you want an example of when this has happened to me, in regards to the missing pieces, you should read my story about the second time I was sectioned.

In regards to both the missing and missed up pieces, this will be discussed in my post about my flat viewing, which I am currently in the process of writing, and which prompted me to write todays posts.

However, I am still going to explain how this affects me here, just using a different technique to an anecdote.

During the time I was sectioned in 2018, I was told by a student psychiatric nurse that these types of episodes are common in patients with bi polar disorder, and that I described them in the most understand and accurate way anybody had ever descried it to him, this is the way am about to describe it to you now,

Imagine my episode is the alphabet-

Sometimes the memories I have of it are similar to-

B D G K O Q R S X

Whereas sometimes the memories I have of the are similar to-

B D O S G K X R Q

Dissociation Type 1.B Memories that I don’t even know are missing until I find evidence the that event I’m missing took placeA series event

Around the time I was diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder, I was having thoughts that did not feel like mine, that in the moment I found funny and euphoric, which told me to

1. Slit my throat.

2. 2. Set myself on fire

3. Set my house on fire, lock myself in the bathroom, then set myself on fire.

One trigger in particular, was opening my post.

I would sit there sometimes for hours staring at my post trying to fight these thoughts, that wordlessly, told me, I did not have to open my post, as I could open my throat instead.

When I came out of these episodes, I was understandably frightened and distressed by them.

On the morning of the day I was last sectioned, I put the post that had just arrived on the pile of unopened post that lived on my coffed table. It was a mess of a pile, completely disorganised and scattered, with other items unintentionally mixed into it. As I placed the new letters on top, the pile shifted, and as the letters began to fall, a knife slid out.

Horrified, because I knew, I had sat there prepared, or preparing, to end my life instead of opening my post, but having no memory of that event, I decided I needed to go to psychiatrist crisis team right then.

Dissociation Type 1.B Memories that I don’t even know are missing until I find evidence the that event I’m missing took placeExample of a mundane event

As you may know, if you follow me on social media, I took up cross stitching the July of 2022.

A few weeks ago, I was working on a larger piece, which I was only a few hours away from completing, and I had picked out the next piece I wanted to do.

After a really stressful couple of days, I decided to do some cross stitching to try to calm myself down.

When I went to pick up my almost finished piece, it wasn’t there. In its place was the piece I planned to start next, and it had a good few hours of work put into it.

Now, even more stressed than I had previously been, I looked inside the box where I keep my finished pieces, and there it was, folded neatly on top of the pile.

Dissociation Type 1.B Memories that I don’t even know are missing until I find evidence the that event I’m missing took place

Quite possibly the scariest form of this type of dissociation, at least that I have experienced, is having no memory that an entire event even happened until I stumble upon evidence of ithappening.

It begs the question-
What things have I done, or what things have happened to me, that I will never know, that I did, or that it happened?

These events can be as mundane as doing a load of whaling, or as serious as a suicide attempt.

GP’s Don’t Give A F*ck

For weeks, the event I’ve just recounted plagued me. I couldn’t stop thinking about it and how scary it was that I had been walking around in public doing stuff I had no memory of doing.

Eventually, I went to my GP surgery, and saw a doctor, who we’ll call doctor Harding , because I actually think that washis name. I described the event and the impact it was having on me in great detail.

His response was that I was just tired, and he didn’t seem even slightly concerned.

Still, to this day, I wonder what happened during my first experience of missing time.

DissociationSubsection 1.aA fully missing chunk of time, that I realise is missing during the event itself -Example

To set the scene

Me, and my then boyfriend, were buying a house on a very stressfully rent to buy scheme when this took place.

This scheme gave us six months to save up a six thousand pounds deposit, while living in, and paying rent on the property, at a reduced rate.

If we did not have the six thousand pounds for the deposit by the end of the six months, we would lose both the house, and our credit ratings.

What made this period of my life worse, was that as soon as entered into this agreement with the property developers, my previously friendly colleagues began to bully me.

The event

(Which, I am going to tell in exactly the way it felt like it happened to me.)

On this particular day, I had not had time to make a lunch for work, so being both on a tight budget, and at this time being an undiagnosed binge eater, I decide it would be sensible to take just enough money with me to buy a sandwich and a bottle of water.

I left the office, went downstairs, outside, and next door, to the Sainsbury’s, where I had gone regularly to buy my lunch before being on such a tight budget. I headed straight for the “meal deals” section, grabbed a sandwich and bottle of water, but not a snack, as I didn’t want a meal deal, then joined the queue.

Sitting back down at my desk, I immediately realise something was wrong. Not only did I have the sandwich and the water, I also had snacks and all the money I had taken with me. 

What I did not have, was a receipt and memory of being served.

This caused me to panic.

What had happened between me joining the queue, and sitting back down at my desk?

More importantly, had I paid for my food?

There are probably thousands of scenarios, I just can’t imagine, that could have led to me having my food and the money I took with me, but in the moment all I could think was that I must have left without paying for them.

Because this was the first time I had ever experienced this type of dissociation, I was an emotional mess. With a mixture of fear, worry and distress, fuelling me, I gathered my items and ran back to the Sainsburys.

When I asked the cashiers if I had just been served, one of them actually remembered serving me.

Part of me felt so relieved, I wanted to cry.

Another part of me wanted to request to see the CCTV, to see how the event had played out, but I knew I would be allowed to, and the cashiers were already looking at me like I was weird, so I just thanked them and left.

DissociationSubsection 1.aA fully missing chunk of time, that I realise is missing during the event itself

Since before I had a mental illness diagnosis, I have suffered with, and been aware I suffer with missing time, that takes a few different forms.

The first form this takes, is that I realise I am missing a chunk of time while still in the even the chunk of time is missing from.

I have been told by doctors that this is a very common form of dislocation.

DissociationType A – Memory Problems

Explaining dissociation in an understandable way, can be extremely difficult. It’s hard to not only get across the severity of dissociation in comparison to normal, everyday memory loss, but also the severity of the impact it has on your life, as well as your mental and emotional state. For these reasons, I have decided it would be best to explain how this type of dissociation impacts me in subsections, then, where needed give examples of when it happened to me, or how it affects my memories in general.

DissociationWhy here? Why now?

Before I go any further with my autobiographical stories and complaint regarding Torus housing, I need to talk about a symptom of my illness, called dissociation, and how it affects me.

There are two ways, right now, that I am aware of it impacting me, and I am going to discuss both, however, at the moment, only “Type A” is important for you to understand while you are reading my posts directly preceding and following todays. I have spoken about this type before on my blog, if I remember correctly, it was on my post regarding my second suicide attempt (when I count my suicide attempts, I only count those I have been sectioned for, which is two. I won’t explain why now, but I will in the future) which happened very close to the events I am currently writing about.

So, why do I want to discuss it again?

Several reasons-

1. I don’t want to keep repeating myself, and I’m sure you don’t want me to keep repeating myself…

2. Also, it takes me off topic.

If I write a stand-alone post on it, I can add the link as and when it needs explaining, then new readers can follow the link if they want to.

3.While writing my account of what happened at my flat viewing, I discovered a new way “Type A” effect my memories, which has made it very difficult to write.

If I have a stand-alone post and this happens again, it will make it much easier for me to add new information.

4. I want to document how my illness affects me, while it is affecting me, for advocacy and educational purposes.

With all that said, let’s get started.

Housing Options update -2

 

Also, I remembered I requested information on how to get a DSAR from them, and they did not get back to me, so I will be following that u as I believe they aren’t allowed to ignore my request.

Overview of my experience with housing options

These are my thoughts since writing about housing options.

1. The city council staff are referring vulnerable people to them without being honest as to why, what it does, or that it is the city council.

2. They are turning people away who meet their criteria for help.

3. Their staff either don’t have the correct, or adequate, training in what disabilities are and the appropriate support needs for certain disabilities, or they are choosing to ignore disabled people, and their support needs.

4. Five years on, because they chose not to take into consideration that I am disabled, and need appropriate disability accommodation, I am in a much worse situation that I would have been if I had allowed them to refuse me help like they wanted to.

Housing Options update – 1

After I wrote about what happened with housing options, I attempted to do some research on them. I did not find much but here is what I found-

1. They are Liverpool City Council, and not a separate organisation.

2. They should have helped me without acting like they were giving me special treatment as I was sure that the house was going to go into the process of being sold within eight weeks, as we had already had repeat viewings by the same people at this point.

 

I was correct about this, and I had to leave as soon as the process began.

If you would like to learn more about housing options, heres a link to their page on the government website.

https://liverpool.gov.uk/housing/homeless-or-at-risk/at-risk-of-becoming-homeless/

What I Overheard

For this short post, we are going to jump ahead by around a month, to the day I signed my tenancy agreement with LMH.

What I overheard, that morning while I was sat waiting for my appointment, confirms everything I speculated on in my previous posts, about the city council enabling housing associations to abuse vulnerable people.

When this happened, I honestly didn’t know what to make of it, in terms of whether the potential tenant was telling the truth. Regrettably, if you had asked me to guess, having no experience as a Torus tenant yet, and growing up in a housing association property that was immaculate, I would have guessed she must be lying. Mainly though, what would have swayed me more than anything else, would have been my incorrect belief that housing associations would not have been allowed to rent out dangerous properties.

The woman in question, arrived visibly upset, pushing what appeared to an almost newborn baby in a pram. She was very young. She looked to me to be in the age range of sixteen to eighteen years old.

Despite being a literal child and extremely distressed, she managed to explain her predicament particularly well to the advisor at the public help desk. Her and her daughter (the baby in the pram) where homeless and currently living in a homeless shelter, which we can all agree, is no place for either a teenager or a newborn baby. LMH had offered her a flat, which she did not bid on, and when she went to view it, it had a serious damp and mould issue in the bedroom.Understandably, because a damp and mouldy flat is not a safe place for a newborn baby to be, she had refused the offer.LMH had then gone to property pool and claimed that this literal child, who was doing what was best for her newborn baby, had refused a perfectly good property. As a result of this, because she was in band A, property pool had removed her from their website, basically sentencing these two literal children to indefinite homelessness.

When she complained about the state of the property she had been offered by LMH to property pool, to try to get back on their website, they told her that she needed to get LMH to notify them that the property they had offered her was not suitable for her, which is why she was there that morning, to request that they admit to property pool the flat they offered her was unsafe.

From what she said I immediately understood the situation she was saying they had put her in, which I now believe they had, and what she was requesting they do, yet the advisor didn’t seem to, as she kept referring the girl back to property pool, adamant that not only would they not have let her view a flat in that condition, but what ever problem she was now facing was a property pool issue, not an LMH issue.

Now, I know, due to my experience with Torus and the state of my flat not only when I viewed it but when I moved in, the advisor understood perfectly well the predicament this girl was in as a direct result of their actions, she just didn’t care.

She did not care that these two literal children were now going to be indefinitely homeless because Torus tried to take advantage of the fact they were vulnerable, and she didn’t let them.

What would baffle me about this, if I wasn’t aware of how petty and vindictive Torus staff, and Torus as an organisation are, is why they would turn away what was seemingly a long-term tenant. They could easily have offered her something suitable, right? But, they didn’t, because all their properties are dirty, run down, dangerous slums, which is how they want them, probably because it means less work and more profit for them, and if you try to defend yourself against their abusethey will punish you in any way they can.

Even if you are literal children.

My Experience With Direct Matches in 2018

Direct matches, in regards to housing associations, are when a housing association directly offers you a property that matches your needs, without you bidding on it.

At least, that’s how it’s supposed to work, apparently.

However, as you have probably guessed, that’s not the case.

In my experience, what they actually do, is identify the most vulnerable people and offer them hard to let properties.

I was extremely vulnerable when I was offered the flat that I am now going to die because-

• I’m disabled mentally.

• Had just tried to kill myself.

• Had just lost my job due to my mental disability.

• Was losing the house I owned due to both domestic abuse and losing my job.

Direct matches are the other part of how I ended up in this dangerous and disability unsuitable property.

Torus offered me this a direct match, and as you know form my property pool post about 2018, I had no right to refuse it, and if I had, I would have been removed from property pool, and been left to become homeless indefinitely.

My Experience With Property Pool In 2018

Property pool is a UK government/city council website, where housing associations put up their available properties, then desperate, vulnerable people bid on them.

In my opinion, property pool is awful just for that reason.

However, it has a lot more issues than that.

1. How are actually homeless people meant to access the internet?

2. In band A- which is for homelessness, a lot of the available properties aren’t even built yet, and in most cases won’t be for over a year. At least this was the case in 2018.

3. You have no property refusals in band A. Which means you can’t refuse any property offered to you for any reason. This leaves some of the most vulnerable people open to abuse by housing associations, because it means they can offer you run down and/or dangerous properties, and you have to accept them, or you will be taken off property pool. It also means that disabled people can’trefuse a property offered to them that isn’t disability suitable.

 

This is part of how I ended up in a dangerous disability unsuitable property myself.

Journal Entry

This entry is to say thank you to everybody who read todays post. I know I am very rusty at writing, and that this is not gripping subject matter, however I need to get it out there, and as quickly as I can, so I apologise that my writing is probably not going to improve while I detail everything that I have been through with Torus Housing, as my focus is on getting it written and published, but I hope you will look beyond this for now, and come back to read each post, to support me,

Love as always, 

Pixie.

Housing Options

Let’s start at the very beginning, with my visit to an organisation called housing options.

It was Liverpool city councils one stop shop who referred me to them, instead of helping me themselves, when I went in to enquire as to how I could get myself on the list for a housing association property.

This was just days after I had been discharged from the psychiatric hospital, I had been held in under a section two, for making an unsuccessful attempt on my life.

Around the august of 2018, I had been forced to resign from my job at Santander UK, due to them denying me disability support, my doctor and psychiatrist had requested, several times since around the July of 2016. Due to how long and hard my battle for reasonable adjustments had been, the disability I was requesting support for had gotten significantly worse, and because I had not been able to work for a large part of those two years I spent fighting Santander, I had run up what felt like a huge amount of debt in order to eat and pay bills.

In the weeks between my resignation and suicide attempt, I had been receiving temporary EAS payments. On the morning of my suicide attempt, I had received a letter telling me it was going to be stopped.

I was desperate and panicking when I went into the one stop shop. As well as having zero income and mounting overdraft, I was having to sell the house I co owned with my abusive ex-boyfriend, and had nowhere else to go, once it sold I would not only be homeless, I would lose everything I owned including furniture I was still paying off on credit.

The reason the man who worked for the city council, said he was referring me to housing options was due to me being both vulnerable, and having a disability, which would need taking into consideration when it came to offering me a property.

So, trusting that I was going to be helped by this organisation I had never heard of, I allowed him to make me an appointment with them.

What actually happened was the complete opposite.

Like the majority of the borderline episodes (meaning borderline personality disorder related episodes) I have suffered in public, I remember very little about the actual event, however I do recall enough to know that I was not treated with the appropriate care, and which gives me reasonto believe nobody else was/is being/or will be where housing options is concerned.

Upon my arrival, at 9am, there was already a man, aged roughly twenty, who appeared to be highly agitated, sitting in the tiny waiting area. His mum was at the desk, enquiring asto how long they would likely be waiting, as her son had a mental illness which caused him problems remaining “calm” and in one place for even short periods.

The receptions was neither understanding, nor compassionate. She forcefully replied that if her son left he wouldn’t be given another appointment, and ordered her to sit back down.

After timidly giving my details to the same receptionist, I was called into a private room.

On edge, due to how the other woman had been spoken to, I sat down and tried to explain to the man my appointment was with that I have memory issues, and asked could he please note down any important information or advice that he gave me in just bullet points, such as go here, do this.

His attitude had been off when I entered the room, like I was inconveniencing him by making him do his job. Yet, I did not anticipate the reaction I got. His expression changed to a level of annoyance I feel even I would struggle to reach, and he very aggressively barked at me that he could not do that as there simply was not enough time, then he shoved a leaflet at me and sort of sighed exasperatedly, “Why are you here?”

Honestly, I didn’t know why I was there. I had never heard of them before the man at the council referred me there, and the staffs’ attitudes had caught me completely off guard, so I just stared at him unable to answer, wanting to say that I had expected him to tell me why I was there.

For a few awkward and endless seconds or minutes that stretched out forever, he stared back at me silently, until I blurted all of that out, then began recounting my conversation with the man at the one stop shop.

He stopped me almost immediately, notifying me that I would not be put on the housing association waiting list until my house actually sold, and I was literally homeless.

This caused me to break down into hysterical snotty sobbing as I rambled in circles about how I would lose everything I owned if that happened.

This is the first occasion I lost time.

My next memory is of me sat in that same room alone, only now I wasn’t hysterical or afraid, I was furious, and I knew I had acted under the influence of that fury. 

I waited for over fifteen minutes for him to return. When he finally did, he was in a mood that I was unable to interpret. He could have been angry, worried, or some other similar emotion. In a tone that confidently suggested he was doing me a favour he shouldn’t be, he said they were going to start helping me straight away. His expression did not match his voice.

Though I am missing a bit more of the conversation here, I think its more due to nothing memorable happening here and the passing of five years, rather than dissociation.

The next issue arose when he questioned me on my disabilities.

When I answered that I had borderline personality disorder, he told me in the same manner that he greeted me in, and I quote, “We don’t take mental health into consideration when rehousing people, because everybody suffers with mental health.”

I attempted to explain to him that borderline personality disorder is not a mental health issue, it’s a very serious mental illness, and that mental health and mental illness are not the same.

For some reason, he took offence to this, and snapped at me. It must have been far worse than when he had previously snapped at me, as I don’t remember what he said, just the shock of being spoken to in such an aggressive manner by a person I was asking for help.

The next memory I have is leaving the office in tears.

Introduction To My Series on Torus Housing

Hello.
Welcome back to the psychotic girls guide to surviving the human apocalypse, though, for now, not exactly as you know, may remember, or might like, it.

The content I will be writing certainly isn’t what I want to be writing, but it is now or never, as at best it might save my life, at worst I hope it will secure murder convictions for all those who are responsible for ending my life.

I understand this probably sound dramatic, but I assure you I am not being dramatic at all. If I don’t get the help I desperately need soon, these words will likely be coming to you from a body that can no longer speak and write, or beg and fight for help, because instead of residing in a mould and anti-social behaviour infested flat, it will be residing underground, cold and rotting. 

If you have read my blog in the past, or follow me on social media- mainly twitter, you may recall I took a break from writing my blog, around the June or July of 2022, to gather evidence for two on going issues I was dealing with. One of these issues I was gathering evidence of was the anti-socialnoise coming from both the flats directly above me, and next door to me, but in the block of flats that joins onto the side of my block. This noise was, and still is, exacerbating and triggering my disabilities – which are borderline personality disorder, non epileptic attack disorder, and (now) asthma.

My reasons, and plans, for gathering all this evidence was-

1. To give to the police (who said they wanted it, then never followed up)

2. To give to the housing association (in a way they could not deny I had evidence, and which would be availablefor an inquest into my death.)

3. To write a huge complaint to my housing association, which I would send privately by email as well as post a copy of on my blog, so that I left-
a. proof I sent it in, as it would be in my emails sent box

b. publicly available proof of what was in the complaint- again for an inquest.

c. but also to eventually send to the housing ombudsman.

You see for five years both me and my mum – on my behalf, have made complaints to my landlords/housing association, who are Liverpool Mutual homes/Torus, about both the mould and antisocial behaviour that have at best been ignored by them, and at worst has resulted in them saying I am the problem because I am disabled, while making derogatory and stigmatising remarks about my disability and how it affects me, and accusing my mum of being abusive, when she is  reasonably and understandably upset, and just sounds upset, all because we are asking for my flat to be made disabilitysafe/suitable, and when you understand the issue are noiseanti-social behaviour, mould and rats, it becomes even more clear that Torus are abusive and should not be allowed to be anybody’s landlords, as nobody, not even an non disabled person, could live in my flat and not become physically and mentally unwell, but I am not a physically or mentally well person to begin with.

Yet, when we then go to the housing ombudsman, we are told that have not given Torus sufficient opportunity to resolve my issues, and if my issues are in fact real Torus will deal with them as they are legally obligated to do so.

In the November and December of 2022, I resumed writing my blog, which included currently unpublished parts of my complaint, however I was too sick to keep it up.

Now almost a year on, I am forcing myself to start writing my complaint again, as well as hopefully some anecdotes of what has been happening to me over the last five years. 

These posts will have no schedule, in regards to when I write or publish them.

My intention is to write as much as I can when I can, while also gathering evidence, then publish both my writing and evidence once the part I have been working on is complete.

I would love to post it daily, but with everything that is going on and how sick I am, that’s probably impossible. It would be good if I could post weekly, but again that might not be doable every week. So, if I can only post some parts monthly, that is what I will do. 

If you are reading this, then my first piece is either up now for you to read, or will be up later today, depending on whether the mobile phone data gods are angry with me on the day, because as you probably already know, or have been able to guess, I don’t have home internet, and if I did have it, it would be money going to waste, because I have been trying to move out of that flat, and have gone through several periods where I have been unable to stay there over the last five years, that means I can’t get home internet, so have to use mobile data and Vodaphone aren’t happy that I only use my data.

Please, if helping me, is something you have the power to do, do it.

You won’t find anybody who will be more grateful for your help than me.

If not, I ask for your support in anyway you can give it. Please interact with these posts, and the links you followed to get here- comment, like, share, so that I can raise more awareness of my situation, and hopefully reach people who do have the power to help me.

Fight Club

Part three

Having completely misread his attitude, I attempted to explain to the manager that I had circulation problems, so had asked for my coat because I was worried about my hands, and as a result had been verbally and physically abused.

I remember the managers mouth moving, but I hear no words, yet I know his tone was emotionally flat.

I remember the bouncer who threw me regaining his courage, leaning in close to me, over his colleagues shoulder, his breath on my neck and the static type chill that run down my spine as he whispered in my ear, but I hear no words.

I remember the female bouncer trapped in between us, her body being forced into mine, and I realise I hear absolutely no sound at all when I recall this part of the incident.

As the male bouncer grabbed my hair, slamming my head into the sharp edge of the door, not only did pain suddenly explode through my skull, the sound in my memories does too.

Despite the fact I am aware that both men threatened me, it is my belief that my head hitting the door was unintentional and he was actually attempting to drag me outside by my hair, which would have been bad enough, while standing in front of me rather than behind me, and with a wide person in between us.

It is my opinion that it was obvious to the bouncer that the managers words had a paralysing impact on me, and that is why he suddenly regained his courage, as my body instantly went limp and slumped, and I started sobbing, but my hands which had remained in place, gripping the door throughout this entire ordeal held me up, until my head hit the metal and my body jerked back up straight, stiffening.

Mentally, I was dazed and no longer consciously in control of my body. It stood motionless, stuck in the last command my brain had given it, which was to get inside to safety, so when the bouncers began trying to close the door again my body automatically responded by trying to stop them.

In the end, it took all three bouncers pulling on the door, while a group of girls prised and held my fingers off the edge of it, and Laura, Mel, and three men from the crowd, wrestled me backwards, for them to successfully shut and lock the door.

This is one of those times I feel others should really have been aware that I was mentally ill, due to my emotional instability, as well as my actions not matching the emotions I was showing.

It was only since I began writing this, that I suspect that some people did recognise I was mentally ill.

They certainly seemed to have recognised that I was vulnerable.

Mel’s voice cut through my heaving sobs, the banging of the girls who had removed my hands from the doors fists and palms now slapping against the metal they had helped close, and the excited chatter of the other students who had been watching, as I was half guided, half carried, to the grass and through the crowds, by her and Laura, the boys who had assisted them hurrying to keep up with us as they followed closely behind.

“Look at the state of you.”

“Look at what they’ve done to you.”

“Look at your hands.”

“We need to get you home.”

When we stopped, as far away form everybody else as physically possible, while staying on the grass, she took my hands in her own, hoping to warm them.

At the time this happened, these men were complete strangers to all three of us. Although they all would remain strangers, to at least me, I would learn a little bit of information on the man who interacted with me, including his name, during my second year a university. His name was Jason. So, for the purpose of not constantly referring to him as one of the men, I am going to use his name.

Why Jason decided to lie, by telling us he set off the fire alarm, I don’t know, as I never asked him. He did a very good job at acting, I’ll give that, particularly in pretending to be apologetic.

It seems he should have been aware this was a stupid thing to lie about, even if you don’t take into consideration the physical and emotional condition I was in, or the events that had just taken place.

If it hadn’t been for his lie though, I would have very likely collapsed on the grass there and then, and literally waited to die in the cold.

Chaos complete.
Currently in fall apart mode.
Initiate self destruct mode.

Luckily for me, he said the wrong thing, at the right time, reigniting my anger, which snapped my consciousness back into my body.

It’s strange to me that when I directed my anger at him in response to his lie, he appeared utterly shocked and caught off guard, despite having just witnessed me shrieking at the top of my lungs for several minutes straight, without taking a break to breath.

To me, it was even stranger in the moment, as I assumed the fact that I was excellent at shrieking was all he knew about me.

It has only just occurred to me, that although I had never noticed him before, he might have noticed me, because he studied at the Cat Hill campus, however I didn’t know this at the time.

“This is all your fault,” I was wailing, on repeat.

I doubt any of them understood what I was saying fully, if at all, but Laura understood my reaction enough to explain why I was so angry at him. She calmly informed him that I had circulation issues, so I had requested my coat, which had resulted in me being verbally abused, mainly with sexually inappropriate remarks, then physically assaulted, which led to the incident they had witnessed, then gotten themselves involved in.

Another thing that surprised me in the moment was that he apparently couldn’t see all this himself. My hands were blue, my clothes destroyed, and thanks to the sleet I had blood smeared all over me.

I want to make it clear that what I am about to suggest in relation to Jason’s motivation is speculation on my part, that only occurred to me while writing part two of this story, last week, because for the last sixteen years, this theory never crossed my mind, and I didn’t think badly about Jason at all in any way, quite the opposite.

Now it occurs to me that not only could he definitely see all this, it was also possibly the actual reason he was speaking to me.

Maybe I am wrong.

Maybe he truly cared.

Maybe he just felt that he was in too deep because he had falsely confessed to being responsible for what had happened to me, even if just in directly. Therefore, he felt obligate to help me.

Possibly though, he had a motive that I didn’t even consider until last week, but am now convinced is the case. He might have wanted to have sex with me, and believed he had a good chance because he either thought I was drunk, or could see I was mentally ill, both of which would have made me vulnerable.

From what I have experienced in my own life, and witnessed over the years, some men make a hobby out of taking advantage of vulnerable mentally disabled women, especially for sex, then brag about it to their friends, while further degrading us by laughing at how our disabilities affect us, and using our disabilities as an excuse for why it was more than ok for them to treat us that way.

Whether the boys had been wearing their own jackets all night is something that I am not going to speculate of here, as it makes no difference to what had already happened to me, or what was about to happen.

Taking his jacket off, Jason offered it to me.

Stubbornly, I shook my head.

“Put it on,” he insisted, shoving it into my arms. “This is my fault.”

“No,” I refused.

“Put the coat on,” Mel ordered, picking it up and wrapping it around my shoulders.

“Do you have your ticket?” Jason enquired.

My brain was still busy malfunctioning, so I started at him blankly unable to decipher his question.

It was either Laura or Mel who opened my and bag, dug out my cloak room ticket, and handed it to him.

“Where are you going?” His friend called after him, irritation obvious in his voice, as Jason marched off purposefully in the direction of the student union.

“To get her coat,” he replied, without looking back.

Then he disappeared into the crowds.

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Said
Exhaustive

above
accepted
advertised
affirmed
aforementioned
aforenamed
aforesaid
aired
alleged
announced
anterior
articulated
asserted
assumed
averred
avouched
avowed
belied
believed
blabbed
blazed
blurted
bolted
breathed
broadcast
broadcasted
Brought out
challenged
chirped
clad
claimed
clothed
comment
communicated
conceived
concluded
confuted
conjecture
conned
contended
controverted
crafted
credited
declaimed
declared
deduced
denied
described
disagreed
disagreed with
disapproved
disavowed
disbelieved
disclaimed
disclosed
discounted
discredited
discussed
disowned
disputed
distrusted
doubted
drawled
dreamed
dreamt
enunciated
expressed
fancied
figured
former
formulated
formulised
framed
gasped
gathered
gave
got off
guesed
hinted
hypothecated
hypothesized
inferred
imagined
implied
insinuated
Insisted
intimated
introduced
judged
learned
lipped
looked
maintained
memorised
mistrusted
mouthed
murmured
grated
paraphrased
passed
perceived
phrased
piped up
piped up with
posted
postulated
precedent
preconceived
preliminary
premised
presumed
presupposed
prior
proclaimed
promulgated
published
published
purred
put
put into words
questioned
recited
reckoned
rebutted
reeled off
refuted
rejected
remarked
rendered
rephrased
repudiated
restated
reworded
ripped
ripped out
shared
shot
shouted
sounded
snarled
speculated
spoke
spoken
spouted
spluttered
stated
studied
such
suggested
summarised
supposed
surmised
suspended
suspicioned
swallowed
talked
theorised
thought
told
took
took for granted
translated
uttered
vented
ventilated
verbalised
vocalised
voiced
whispered
wondered
wondered about
worded
wrote up

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Said
Exhaustive

above
accepted
advertised
affirmed
aforementioned
aforenamed
aforesaid
aired
alleged
announced
anterior
articulated
asserted
assumed
averred
avouched
avowed
belied
believed
blabbed
blazed
blurted
bolted
breathed
broadcast
broadcasted
Brought out
challenged
chirped
clad
claimed
clothed
comment
communicated
conceived
concluded
confuted
conjecture
conned
contended
controverted
crafted
credited
declaimed
declared
deduced
denied
described
disagreed
disagreed with
disapproved
disavowed
disbelieved
disclaimed
disclosed
discounted
discredited
discussed
disowned
disputed
distrusted
doubted
drawled
dreamed
dreamt
enunciated
expressed
fancied
figured
former
formulated
formulised
framed
gasped
gathered
gave
got off
guesed
hinted
hypothecated
hypothesized
inferred
imagined
implied
insinuated
Insisted
intimated
introduced
judged
learned
lipped
looked
maintained
memorised
mistrusted
mouthed
murmured
grated
paraphrased
passed
perceived
phrased
piped up
piped up with
posted
postulated
precedent
preconceived
preliminary
premised
presumed
presupposed
prior
proclaimed
promulgated
published
published
purred
put
put into words
questioned
recited
reckoned
rebutted
reeled off
refuted
rejected
remarked
rendered
rephrased
repudiated
restated
reworded
ripped
ripped out
shared
shot
shouted
sounded
snarled
speculated
spoke
spoken
spouted
spluttered
stated
studied
such
suggested
summarised
supposed
surmised
suspended
suspicioned
swallowed
talked
theorised
thought
told
took
took for granted
translated
uttered
vented
ventilated
verbalised
vocalised
voiced
whispered
wondered
wondered about
worded
wrote up

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Said
As an adjective

Above
Aforementioned
Aforenamed
Aforesaid
Anterior
Former
Introduction
Precedent
Preceding
Preliminary
Prior
Such

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Said
As an adjective

Above
Aforementioned
Aforenamed
Aforesaid
Anterior
Former
Introduction
Precedent
Preceding
Preliminary
Prior
Such

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Said
As a verb

Accepted
Advertised
Affirmed
Aired
Alleged
Announced
Articulated
Asserted
Assumed
Announced
Articulated
Asserted
Assumed
Averred
Avouched
Avowed
Belied
Believed
Blabbered
Blazed
Blurted
Bolted
Breathed
Broadcast
Broadcasted
Challenged
Clad
Claimed
Clothed
Commented
Communicated
Conceived
Concluded
Confuted
Conjectured
Conned
Contended
Controverted
Crouched
Crafted
Credited
Declaimed
Declared
Deduced
Denied
Described
Disagreed
Disagreed with
Disapproved
Disavowed
Disbelieved
Disclaimed
Disclosed
Discounted
Discredited
Disowned
Disputed
Doubted
Drawled
Dreamed
Dreamt
Enunciated
Expressed
Fancied
Figured
Formulated
Formulised
Framed
Gasped
Gathered
Gave
Got off
Guessed
Hinted
Hypothecated
Hypothesized
Imagined
Implied
inferred
Insinuated
Insisted
Intimidated
Judged
learned
Lipped
Looked
Maintained
Memorised
Mistrusted
Mouthed
Murmured
Orated
Paraphrased
Passed
Phrased
Piped up
Piped up with
Promulgated
Posted
Postulated
Perceived
Preconceived
Premised
Presumed
Presupposed
Proclaimed
Professed
Publicized
Published
Purred
Put
Put into words
Questioned
Rebutted
Recited
Reckoned
Reeled off
Refuted
Rejected
Remarked
Rendered
Repeated
Rephrased
Repudiated
Restated
Rewarded
Ripped
Ripped out
Shared
Shot
Shouted
Sounded
Snarled
Speculated
Spluttered
Spoke
Spoken
Spouted
Started
Studied
Suggested
Summarised
Supposed
Surmised
Suspected
Suspicioned
Swallowed
Talked
Theorised
Thought
Told
Took
Took for granted
Translated
Uttered
Ventilated
Vented
Verbalised
Vocalised
Voiced
Whispered
Wondered
Wondered about
Worded
Wrote up

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Said
As a verb

Accepted
Advertised
Affirmed
Aired
Alleged
Announced
Articulated
Asserted
Assumed
Announced
Articulated
Asserted
Assumed
Averred
Avouched
Avowed
Belied
Believed
Blabbered
Blazed
Blurted
Bolted
Breathed
Broadcast
Broadcasted
Challenged
Clad
Claimed
Clothed
Commented
Communicated
Conceived
Concluded
Confuted
Conjectured
Conned
Contended
Controverted
Crouched
Crafted
Credited
Declaimed
Declared
Deduced
Denied
Described
Disagreed
Disagreed with
Disapproved
Disavowed
Disbelieved
Disclaimed
Disclosed
Discounted
Discredited
Disowned
Disputed
Doubted
Drawled
Dreamed
Dreamt
Enunciated
Expressed
Fancied
Figured
Formulated
Formulised
Framed
Gasped
Gathered
Gave
Got off
Guessed
Hinted
Hypothecated
Hypothesized
Imagined
Implied
inferred
Insinuated
Insisted
Intimidated
Judged
learned
Lipped
Looked
Maintained
Memorised
Mistrusted
Mouthed
Murmured
Orated
Paraphrased
Passed
Phrased
Piped up
Piped up with
Promulgated
Posted
Postulated
Perceived
Preconceived
Premised
Presumed
Presupposed
Proclaimed
Professed
Publicized
Published
Purred
Put
Put into words
Questioned
Rebutted
Recited
Reckoned
Reeled off
Refuted
Rejected
Remarked
Rendered
Repeated
Rephrased
Repudiated
Restated
Rewarded
Ripped
Ripped out
Shared
Shot
Shouted
Sounded
Snarled
Speculated
Spluttered
Spoke
Spoken
Spouted
Started
Studied
Suggested
Summarised
Supposed
Surmised
Suspected
Suspicioned
Swallowed
Talked
Theorised
Thought
Told
Took
Took for granted
Translated
Uttered
Ventilated
Vented
Verbalised
Vocalised
Voiced
Whispered
Wondered
Wondered about
Worded
Wrote up

Dictionary Corner

Said

The word said is both an adjective and a verb.

Adjective

As an adjective the work said is used in-

• Legal language to refer to somebody already named
• Legal language to refer to somebody already mentioned
• In humour to refer to somebody already named
• In humour to refer to somebody already mentioned
  
  

Verb

As a verb the word said is the past tense of the words say.

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Begged

As a verb

appealed
appealed to
asked
beseeched
Besought
bludged
cadged
called on
called upon
charged
claimed
coaxed
coerced
commanded
compelled
conjured
demanded
desired
entreated
exhorted
forced
impetrated
implored
importuned
influenced
insisted
invoked
lured
mooched
motivated
petitioned
plead
pleaded
pleaded to
plead to
pled
pled to
petitioned
prayed

Prompted
requested
required
solicited
sponged
sued
supported
wheedled

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Begged

As a verb

appealed
appealed to
asked
beseeched
Besought
bludged
cadged
called on
called upon
charged
claimed
coaxed
coerced
commanded
compelled
conjured
demanded
desired
entreated
exhorted
forced
impetrated
implored
importuned
influenced
insisted
invoked
lured
mooched
motivated
petitioned
plead
pleaded
pleaded to
plead to
pled
pled to
petitioned
prayed

Prompted
requested
required
solicited
sponged
sued
supported
wheedled

Dictionary Corner

Begged

The word begged, which is the past tense of the word beg, is a verb.

It means-

• To have asked some earnestly for something
• To have asked someone humbly for something
• To have asked for food as charity
• To have asked for money as charity

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Choose

As a verb

Exhaustive

• Accept
• Ache
• Ache for
• Adopt
• Adjudge
• Adjudicate
• Appoint
• Arbitrate
• Call for
• Cast
• Cherry pick
• Che over
• cogitate
• Commit oneself
• Co opt
• Conclude
• Consider
• contemplate
• Covet
• Crave
• Cull
• Debate
• Decide
• Decide on
• Decree
• Deliberate
• Designate
• Desire
• Determine
• Die
• Die for
• Discriminate between
• Draw lots
• Elect
• Embrace
• Entertain
• Espouse
• Excerpt
• Extract
• Fancy
• Favour
• Feel disposed to
• Figure
• Finger
• Fix
• Fix on
• Glean
• Hand pick
• Hanker
• Hanker for
• Hunger
• Hunger for
• Itch
• Itch for
• Judge
• Like
• Long
• Long for
• Love
• Lust
• Lust after
• Lust for
• Make a choice
• Make a decision
• Make up ones mind
• Meditate
• Mull
• Mull over
• Name
• Nominate
• Opt
• Opt for
• Pick
• Pine
• Pine after
• Pine for
• Please
• Ponder
• Predestine
• Prefer
• Preselect
• Referee
• Repine
• Repine for
• Resolve
• Rule
• Rule of
• Ruminate
• See fit
• Select
• separate
• Set
• Set aside
• settle
• Sign
• Sign for
• Sift out
• Single
• Single out
• Slot
• Sort
• Tab
• Tag
• Take
• Take up
• Tap
• Think
• Think about
• Think over
• Thirst
• Thirst for
• Umpire
• Want
• Weigh
• Will
• Wish
• Wish for
• Yearn
• Yearn for

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Choose

As a verb

Exhaustive

• Accept
• Ache
• Ache for
• Adopt Adjudge
• Adjudicate
• Appoint
• Arbitrate
• Call for
• Cast
• Cherry pick
• Che over
• cogitate
• Commit oneself
• Co opt
• Conclude
• Consider
• contemplate
• Covet
• Crave
• Cull
• Debate
• Decide
• Decide on
• Decree
• Deliberate
• Designate
• Desire
• Determine
• Die
• Die for
• Discriminate between
• Draw lots
• Elect
• Embrace
• Entertain
• Espouse
• Excerpt
• Extract
• Fancy
• Favour
• Feel disposed to
• Figure
• Finger
• Fix
• Fix on
• Glean
• Hand pick
• Hanker
• Hanker for
• Hunger
• Hunger for
• Itch
• Itch for
• Judge
• Like
• Long
• Long for
• Love
• Lust
• Lust after
• Lust for
• Make a choice
• Make a decision
• Make up ones mind
• Meditate
• Mull
• Mull over
• Name
• Nominate
• Opt
• Opt for
• Pick
• Pine
• Pine after
• Pine for
• Please
• Ponder
• Predestine
• Prefer
• Preselect
• Referee
• Repine
• Repine for
• Resolve
• Rule
• Rule of
• Ruminate
• See fit
• Select
• separate
• Set
• Set aside
• settle
• Sign
• Sign for
• Sift out
• Single
• Single out
• Slot
• Sort
• Tab
• Tag
• Take
• Take up
• Tap
• Think
• Think about
• Think over
• Thirst
• Thirst for
• Umpire
• Want
• Weigh
• Will
• Wish
• Wish for
• Yearn
• Yearn for

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Chose

As a verb

exhaustive

• Accept
• Ache
• Ached for
• Adjudged
• Adjudicated
• Adopt
• Appoint
• Appointed
• Arbitrated
• Call for
• Cast
• Cherry picked
• Chewed over
• Cogitated
• Commit oneself
• Concluded
• Considered
• Co opt
• Coveted
• Crave
• Craved
• Cull
• Culled
• Decide on
• Decree
• Debated
• Deliberate
• Discriminate between
• Designated
• Desire
• Desired
• Determine
• Died
• Died for
• Draw lots
• Elect
• Elected
• Embrace
• Entertained
• Espouse
• Excerpt
• Extract
• Fancy
• Fancied
• Favour
• Feel disposed to
• Figured
• Finger
• Fixed
• Fix on
• Found
• Glean
• Hand picked
• Hankered
• Hankered for
• Hungered
• Hungered for
• Itched
• Itched for
• Judged
• Liked
• Longed
• Longed for
• Love
• Lusted
• Lusted after
• Lusted for
• Made a choice
• Made a decision
• Made up ones mind
• Marked
• Meditated
• Mulled
• Mulled over
• Name
• Named
• Nominated
• Opt
• Opt for
• Opted
• Opted for
• Picked
• Pined
• Pined after
• Pined for
• Pleased
• Pondered
• Predestine
• Prefer
• Preselected
• Refereed
• Repined
• Repined for
• Resolved
• Resolved
• Ruled
• Ruled on
• Ruminated
• See fit
• Separated
• Set
• Set aside
• Settled
• Settled on
• Settled upon
• Sift
• Sift out
• Singled
• Singled out
• Slot
• Sort
• Studied
• Tab
• Tabbed
• Tag
• Tagged
• Take
• Take up
• Tapped
• Thirsted
• Thirsted for
• Thought
• Thought above
• Thought over
• Took
• Umpired
• Want
• Wanted
• Weight
• Weighed
• Will
• Wished
• Wish for

Dictionary Corner

Choose

The word choose is a verb.

It means to-

• Pick out
• Pick out someone
• Pick out something
• Pick out as being the best
• Pick out someone as being the best
• Pick out something as being the best
• Pick out as being the best of two or more alternatives
• Pick out something as being the best of two or more alternatives
• Pick out someone as being the best of two or more alternatives
• Pick out as being the most appropriate of two or more alternatives
• Pick out something as being the most appropriate of two or more alternatives
• Pick out someone as being the most appropriate of two or more alternatives
• Pick out as being the most appropriate
• Pick something out as being the most appropriate
• Pick someone out as being the most appropriate
• Decide on
• Decide on as a course of action

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Chose

As a verb

exhaustive

• Accept
• Ache
• Ached for
• Adjudged
• Adjudicated
• Adopt
• Appoint
• Appointed
• Arbitrated
• Call for
• Cast
• Cherry picked
• Chewed over
• Cogitated
• Commit oneself
• Concluded
• Considered
• Co opt
• Coveted
• Crave
• Craved
• Cull
• Culled
• Decide on
• Decree
• Debated
• Deliberate
• Discriminate between
• Designated
• Desire
• Desired
• Determine
• Died
• Died for
• Draw lots
• Elect
• Elected
• Embrace
• Entertained
• Espouse
• Excerpt
• Extract
• Fancy
• Fancied
• Favour
• Feel disposed to
• Figured
• Finger
• Fixed
• Fix on
• Found
• Glean
• Hand picked
• Hankered
• Hankered for
• Hungered
• Hungered for
• Itched
• Itched for
• Judged
• Liked
• Longed
• Longed for
• Love
• Lusted
• Lusted after
• Lusted for
• Made a choice
• Made a decision
• Made up ones mind
• Marked
• Meditated
• Mulled
• Mulled over
• Name
• Named
• Nominated
• Opt
• Opt for
• Opted
• Opted for
• Picked
• Pined
• Pined after
• Pined for
• Pleased
• Pondered
• Predestine
• Prefer
• Preselected
• Refereed
• Repined
• Repined for
• Resolved
• Resolved
• Ruled
• Ruled on
• Ruminated
• See fit
• Separated
• Set
• Set aside
• Settled
• Settled on
• Settled upon
• Sift
• Sift out
• Singled
• Singled out
• Slot
• Sort
• Studied
• Tab
• Tabbed
• Tag
• Tagged
• Take
• Take up
• Tapped
• Thirsted
• Thirsted for
• Thought
• Thought above
• Thought over
• Took
• Umpired
• Want
• Wanted
• Weight
• Weighed
• Will
• Wished
• Wish for

Dictionary Corner

Chose

The word chose, which is the past tense of the word choose, is a verb.

It means to-

• Have picked out
• Have picked out someone
• Have picked out something
• Have picked out as being the best
• Have picked out someone as being the best
• Have picked out something as being the best
• Have picked out as being the best of two or more alternatives
• Have picked out something as being the best of two or more alternatives
• Have picked out someone as being the best of two or more alternatives
• Have picked out as being the most appropriate of two or more alternatives
• Have picked out something as being the most appropriate of two or more alternatives
• Have picked out someone as being the most appropriate of two or more alternatives
• Have picked out as being the most appropriate
• Have picked something out as being the most appropriate
• Have picked someone out as being the most appropriate
• Have decided on
• Have decide on as a course of action

Commonly confused words

Choose and chose

The words choose and chose are very commonly mixed up. This is because not only do they look and sound similar, but their meanings are also very closely related, so close that they are different tenses of the same verb.

Choose is the present tense. It means to pick or decide, usually between two or more things or people.

Chose is the past tense. It means to have picked or decided, usually between two or more things or people.

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to think of my own rule, or find a good rule by anybody else, that would help you to remember which to use in a sentence, but if I do I will update this post

Writing overview

Week 2

Week 2/4
Week starting- Monday 8^th November 2022

Thursday

4 hours 28 minutes

Saturday

5 hours 50 minutes

Total hours done= 10 hours 18 minutes
Total pages done= 14

Fight club

Part two

What happened next, several sets of people confirmed, independently and in isolation.

Everybody said they expected me to slam into the pavement, at the feet of the man who threw me. Instead, to their surprise, I cleared it, hurting towards by standers on the grass, who shrieked as they scattered to avoid being hit by me. Crashing onto the grass was obviously better for me, as smashing against concrete would have inflicted serious injuries on my body, even more so at the speed I was travelling. I was travelling so fast, after landing, I began to roll. Yet, before gravity had a chance to slow me, never mind stop me, I sprung to my feet and without pausing and charged in the direction of the bouncers, screaming incoherently.

Though I have no memory of the event between being launched into the air, and staggering forward with purpose, I recall what followed with complete clarity, meaning, I know what I was shouting. I was repeating two sentences on a loop. “You threw me. He threw me.”

I doubt many people, very few of whom are women, have ever seen a man of his size gawp down at them with an expression of such extreme disbelief, horror, and fear, especially one who has just tossed them into the air like a rag doll, as I did that night.

It wasn’t only him staring at me with that expression. His two colleagues were too.

They stood their ground uncertainly for a couple of seconds, as men from the crowd grabbed me in a pathetic attempt to hold me back. When I shook those men off as though they weighed nothing, the panicking bouncers retreated inside, hurrying to close the large metal double doors.

But, I reached them before they could.

Clamping my curled frozen fingers around the edge of the door to my right, I managed to keep it open.

Immediately one of the male bouncers rammed his meaty hand into my face, pushing my head so far back my neck ached, and it was difficult to breath. The other jammed his fist into my stomach twisting and shoving it simultaneously. Despite this I fought over the door with the female bouncer never once making physical contact with any of them. The thought never crossed my mind, because I wasn’t trying to fight them, I was trying to get passed them into the building, in search of help I desperately needed and a person who both could and would help me.

It was raining sleet or lightly snowing, so the grass was soaking, which meant I was drenched. As I rolled, I tore the skin on my arms and legs, so I was bleeding. My blouse was ripped in several places and had lost its middle buttons. To me, I was fighting to survive, injured and more vulnerable to the elements than I had previously been.

Quickly, I began to win our tug of war. That’s when the two male bouncers decided to stop physically assaulting me in order to assist their colleague in her efforts.

Their decision did not work in their favour, quite the opposite, as it was much easier for me to drag open the door while I wasn’t being beaten by two massive men, and I got the gap wide enough to fit the left side of my body through.

Backing up, the bouncer who threw me, hid behind his female colleague. Using her as a human shield, he yelled at the students behind the desk to call the police and accused me of wanting to kill him.

I wish I could say that with hindsight, if he was genuinely afraid of me, it is hilarious. He, a maybe forty year old man, twice my size, who had made the choice to abuse me verbally and physically instead of helping me, believed that I a five foot, seven stone, twenty year old woman, soaking wet, frozen to the point my fingers were blue, with my barely there clothes destroyed and hanging off me, covered in my own blood, because I was injured, after literally being beaten by him and his male friend together, was capable of murdering him.

However, it is not. Today it is as upsetting and insulting as it was the moment he had the cheek to suggest it.

“Call the police,” I agreed with conviction. “These three assaulted me.”

But, none of the students behind the table moved. They all just stared at me with the same horrified expressions.

“Call the police!” I screamed.

But again, nobody moved.

Changing my tactic, I instead demanded to speak to whoever was in charge. That is how young, stupid, and naive I was, just a few months out of my teens. It never occurred to me that setting that fire alarm off on purpose, and not following the correct evacuation plan, therefore putting us all in danger, might qualify as a crime, or was at least serious enough, to get the person in charge, who must have given the plan the green light, but who realistically probably actually thought of the plan and gave the staff orders to do it, in real legal trouble. Therefore, they had more reason not to want the police involved, and more motive to side with the staff, rather than help me.

Of course, it might be that they just never cared about an injured, vulnerable woman, or anybody hurt in the chaos that preceded me being beaten. That seems, to me, to be the most reasonable assumption all things considered.

“I’m in charge,” the female answered.

“You are a door man,” I told her.

“I am security, and I am a supervisor,” I think, she intended to say it with confidence, but it sounded as though her ego was wounded, so she was sulking.

“If I wanted to speak to a supervisor, I’d have asked to speak to your manager. I asked to speak to whoever is in charge,” I insisted.

“That is not going to happen,” she spat each word at me aggressively.

However, whatever authority she though she possessed, was being undermined by her own staff, those two giant men who were so afraid of me apparently that they were cowering behind her.

As me and her glared silently at each other, one of the girls edged cautiously around the table, and dashed into the function hall.

When she returned, what felt like an eternity later, she was accompanied by a tiny, meek looking man, who claimed to be the manager.

To be fair to him, if I had been the girl who brought the situation to his attention, I would have warned him of the condition the girl who was demanding to speak to him was in, as well as what exactly had been done, and said, to her. That table was close enough to the door for those staff members to have not only seen everything they did to me, but also everything they said to me, Laura and Mel.

It wasn’t his lack of shock or horror, even surrounded by people showing those emotions very strongly, that chills me to this day, it was his lack of emotion at all, in either his face or voice.

And although I can’t tell you what it was he said, I can’t even guess, I can tell you with certainty that it was his words that sent me over the edge.

Although I don’t want to go off topic. It is important for me to explain exactly what I mean here. There is a point during my worst episodes that I have talked about before. It is the line between “me” being “in control” (I appreciate these words are not fully accurate, as if I could control my “undesirable” behaviours and was simply choosing not to, I wouldn’t be diagnosed with a mental illness) and the illness fully occupying the driver’s seat.

What I mean when I describe my illness as fully occupying the driver’s seat is a severe borderline episode, meaning an episode cause by my borderline personality disorder, not nearly having an episode. During these episodes, I sometimes watch and listen to my body do and say things I am not consciously giving it the commands to do, which is very scary, as it feels as though something other than me is controlling my body and I am trapped inside it powerless to intervene, being forced to observe. On other occasions I “give up” and fall apart while I am having the episode rather than once the episode is finished and/or I am out of harms way. On these occasions it is like nothing is controlling my body, not even me, and it is an empty shell. It was the latter of these types of episodes that I experienced on this particular night, after going over the edge.

Its important to make people aware that when my illness has any level of control over me, it can only push me to my own extremes of what I am personally capable of, and nothing more.

If I wouldn’t harm another person or animal etc when I am not having an episode, which I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t harm another person or animal etc when I am having an episode. It’s that simple.

Being mentally ill doesn’t change who I am as a person, and it certainly doesn’t make me a bad or evil person, or even a person capable of doing bad or evil things.

Whenever I look back at my worst episodes, it is usually easy for me to identify the part of the event that sent me over the edge. This is due to elements of the inciting incident being missing from my memory, usually this is what somebody said to me, as it was in the case.

Mostly, these elements remain missing to me. Rarely, they return to me at some random point in the future. This is because its not that my brain didn’t save and store these memories, it is because it caught them and locked them away where I can’t access them, in order to “protect me from them”.

Both my perceived lack of control over my actions, and my loss memories, are forms of dissociation.

Only very bad things cause me to dissociate.

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Affect

As a verb

Exhaustive

act
afflict
agitate
allure
alter
appertain
appertain to
apply
apply to
assume
attend
attract
bear
bear on
bewitched
bias
bluff
bother
call
call on
call upon
camouflage
camp
camp out in
captivate
carry away
change
charm
conceal
concern
colour
counterfeit
dazzle
discomfort
discompose
dissemble
disguise
disquiet
dissimulate
distress
disturb
drop by
drop in
embroil
enchant
engage
enlarge
enrapture
ensnare
enthral
enthrall
entrail
entrance
fascinate
fake
feign
feint
fluster
forge
frequent
get to
habituate
hang
hang at
harass
harry
haunt
imitate
impact
impersonate
implicate
impinge
impress
induce
infest
influence
inspire
interest
Invade
involve
let on
make believe
malinger
mask
masquerade
modify
move on
overcome
over run
pass
pass for
patronise
penetrate
pertain
pertain to
perturb
prevail
pester
pierce
plague
play
play act
pop
pop by
pop in
pose
pretend
profess
ravish
reach
refer
refer to
regard
relate
relate to
resort
resort to
run
run in
sham
simulate
smite
stay
stay at
stir
stop
stop at
stop by
stop in
stop over
strain
stress
strike
swarm
take in
tarry
tarry in
tell
tell on
touch
transport
trouble
try
upset
visit
worry
wring

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Effect

As a noun

Specifically to mean, impact, impression, and the power to bring a result onto another

action
authority
clout
command
consequence
domination
dominion
drift
efficiency
essence
execution
fact
force
implementation
import
importance
imprint
influence
mark
mastery
meaning
power
prestige
pull
purport
purpose
reality
repercussions
sense
significance
sovereignty
strength
supremacy
tenor
validity
vigour
weight

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Effect

As a verb

Exhaustive

achieve
actualise
actuate
advance
beget
begin
breed
bring
bring about
bring forth
bring off
bring on
buy
catty through
catalyse
cause
complete
conceive
conclude
conduce
condue to
consummate
contribute
contribute to
create
cultivate
decide
determine
develop
do
do a number on
do ones thing
do the job
do the trick
do to at
draw on
effectuate
enact
encourage
enforce
engender
establish
father
follow through
forward
foster
found
fulfil
further
generate
get across
get to
give rise to
implement
inaugurate
induce
initiate
innovate
institute
intake
introduce
invoke
launch
make
make it
make waves
nourish
nurture
occasion
perform
pioneer
procure
produce
promote
prompt
pull it off
put across
realise
tender
result
result in
secure
sell
set
set up
spawn
start
translate
turn out
turn the trick
unzip
work
yeild

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Effect

As a noun

Specifically to mean belongings

appointment
belongings
collateral
dubs
estate
fixtures
furnishings
gear
goods
holdings
movables
moveables
paraphernalia
personality
personal effects
personal property
plunder
possessions
property
stuff
tangibles
things
treasures
valuables

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Effect

Exhaustive

achieve
action
actualise
actuate
advance
after clap
after effect
after glow
after math
after shock
appointments
authority
backlash
back wash
beget
begin
belongings
blow back
breed
bring
bring about
bring forth
bring off
buy
by product
can of worms
carry through
catalyse
causatum
cause
chain reaction
child
clout
command
complete
consequence
conceive
conclude
conduce
consummate
contribute
contribute to
create
cultivate
decide
denouement
determine
develop
development
do
do a number
domination
dominion
do ones thing
do the job
do the trick
do to at
draw on
drift
dubs
echo
efficiency
enact
encourage
end
end product
effectuate
enforcement
engender
essence
estate
event
eventuality
execution
fact
fall out
fate
father
fixtures
flak
follow through
follow up
force
forward
foster
found
furnishings
further
gear
generate
get across
get to
give rise to
goods
holdings
implication
implement
implementation
import
importance
imprint
inaugurate
induce
influence
innovate
institute
intake
introduce
invoke
issue
launch
make
make it
make waves
mark
mastery
matter of course
meaning
movable
moveable
nourish
nurture
occasion
off shoot
out come
out growth
paraphernalia
perform
personality
personal effects
personal property
pioneer
plunder
possessions
power
precipitate
prestige
procure
produce
product
promote
prosperity
pursuance
pull
pull it off
purport
purpose
put across
ramifications
reaction
realise
reality
reflex
repercussions
response
result
ripple
secure
sequence
sequel
sell
sense
set
set up
side effect
side reaction
significance
sovereignty
spawn
spin off
start
strength
stuff
supremacy
sway
tangibles
tenor
things
translate
translate into
treasure
turn out
turn the trick
up shot
use
unzip
validity
valuables
vigour
waves
weight
work
yeild

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Effect

Exhaustive

achieve
action
actualise
actuate
advance
after clap
after effect
after glow
after math
after shock
appointments
authority
backlash
back wash
beget
begin
belongings
blow back
breed
bring
bring about
bring forth
bring off
buy
by product
can of worms
carry through
catalyse
causatum
cause
chain reaction
child
clout
command
complete
consequence
conceive
conclude
conduce
consummate
contribute
contribute to
create
cultivate
decide
denouement
determine
develop
development
do
do a number
domination
dominion
do ones thing
do the job
do the trick
do to at
draw on
drift
dubs
echo
efficiency
enact
encourage
end
end product
effectuate
enforcement
engender
essence
estate
event
eventuality
execution
fact
fall out
fate
father
fixtures
flak
follow through
follow up
force
forward
foster
found
furnishings
further
gear
generate
get across
get to
give rise to
goods
holdings
implication
implement
implementation
import
importance
imprint
inaugurate
induce
influence
innovate
institute
intake
introduce
invoke
issue
launch
make
make it
make waves
mark
mastery
matter of course
meaning
movable
moveable
nourish
nurture
occasion
off shoot
out come
out growth
paraphernalia
perform
personality
personal effects
personal property
pioneer
plunder
possessions
power
precipitate
prestige
procure
produce
product
promote
prosperity
pursuance
pull
pull it off
purport
purpose
put across
ramifications
reaction
realise
reality
reflex
repercussions
response
result
ripple
secure
sequence
sequel
sell
sense
set
set up
side effect
side reaction
significance
sovereignty
spawn
spin off
start
strength
stuff
supremacy
sway
tangibles
tenor
things
translate
translate into
treasure
turn out
turn the trick
up shot
use
unzip
validity
valuables
vigour
waves
weight
work
yeild

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Effect

As a noun

Specifically to mean belongings

appointment
belongings
collateral
dubs
estate
fixtures
furnishings
gear
goods
holdings
movables
moveables
paraphernalia
personality
personal effects
personal property
plunder
possessions
property
stuff
tangibles
things
treasures
valuables

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Effect

As a noun

Exhaustive

action
after affect
after glow
after math
after shock
appointments
authority
backlash
belongings
blow back
by products
can of worms
causatum
chain reaction
child
clout
command
consequence
conclusion
collateral
corollary
denouement
development
domination
dominion
drift
dubs
echo
efficiency
end
end product
enforcement
essence
estate
event
eventuality
execution
fact
fall out
fake
fate
fixtures
flak
follow up
force
fruit
furnishing
gear
goods
holdings
implication
implement
import
importance
imprint
influence
issue
mark
mastery
matter of course
movables
moveables
off shoot
out come
out growth
paraphernalia
personality
personal effects
personal property
plunder
possessions
power
precipitate
prestige
property
product
pull
purport
purpose
pursuance
ramification
reaction
reality
reflex
repercussion
response
result
ripple

sense
sequel
sequence
side effects
side reaction
significance
sovereignty
strength
stuff
supremacy
sway
tangible
tenor
things
treasure
upshot
use
validity
valuables
vigour
waves
weight

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Effect

As a noun

Specifically to mean, impact, impression, and the power to bring a result onto another

action
authority
clout
command
consequence
domination
dominion
drift
efficiency
essence
execution
fact
force
implementation
import
importance
imprint
influence
mark
mastery
meaning
power
prestige
pull
purport
purpose
reality
repercussions
sense
significance
sovereignty
strength
supremacy
tenor
validity
vigour
weight

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Effect

Specifically meaning a condition or occurrence traceable to a cause after clap
after effect
after glow
after math
after shock
back lash
back wave
blow back
by product
can of worms
causatum
chain reaction
child
conclusion
consequence
development
echo
end
end product
event
eventuality
fall out
fate
flak
follow up
fruit
implication
issue
matter of course
off shoot
out come
out growth
precipitate
product
pursuance
ramification
reaction
reflex
repercussion
response
result
ripple
sequel
sequence
side effect
side reaction
spin off
upshot
waves

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Effect

As a noun

Exhaustive

action
after affect
after glow
after math
after shock
appointments
authority
backlash
belongings
blow back
by products
can of worms
causatum
chain reaction
child
clout
command
consequence
conclusion
collateral
corollary
denouement
development
domination
dominion
drift
dubs
echo
efficiency
end
end product
enforcement
essence
estate
event
eventuality
execution
fact
fall out
fake
fate
fixtures
flak
follow up
force
fruit
furnishing
gear
goods
holdings
implication
implement
import
importance
imprint
influence
issue
mark
mastery
matter of course
movables
moveables
off shoot
out come
out growth
paraphernalia
personality
personal effects
personal property
plunder
possessions
power
precipitate
prestige
property
product
pull
purport
purpose
pursuance
ramification
reaction
reality
reflex
repercussion
response
result
ripple sense
sequel
sequence
side effects
side reaction
significance
sovereignty
strength
stuff
supremacy
sway
tangible
tenor
things
treasure
upshot
use
validity
valuables
vigour
waves
weight

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Effect

As a verb

Exhaustive

achieve
actualise
actuate
advance
beget
begin
breed
bring
bring about
bring forth
bring off
bring on
buy
catty through
catalyse
cause
complete
conceive
conclude
conduce
condue to
consummate
contribute
contribute to
create
cultivate
decide
determine
develop
do
do a number on
do ones thing
do the job
do the trick
do to at
draw on
effectuate
enact
encourage
enforce
engender
establish
father
follow through
forward
foster
found
fulfil
further
generate
get across
get to
give rise to
implement
inaugurate
induce
initiate
innovate
institute
intake
introduce
invoke
launch
make
make it
make waves
nourish
nurture
occasion
perform
pioneer
procure
produce
promote
prompt
pull it off
put across
realise
tender
result
result in
secure
sell
set
set up
spawn
start
translate
turn out
turn the trick
unzip
work
yeild

Dictionary corner

Effect

The word effect is both a noun and a verb.

Noun

As a noun the word effect mean-

• A change which is the consequence of an action or other cause
• Ac change which is the result of an action or other cause
• The extent to which something is operative
• The extent to which something succeeds
• The state of being operative
• The state of becoming operative
• A physical phenomenon, usually named after it’s discover
• An impression produced in the mind of a person
• The lighting used in a broadcast
• The lighting used in a film
• The lighting used in a play
• The scenery used in a broadcast
• The scenery used in a film
• The scenery used in a play
• The sound used in a broadcast
• The sound used in a film
• The sound used in a play
• Personal belongings

Verb

As a verb it means to-

• Bring about
• Cause
• Cause to happen
• Cause something to happen

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Affect

As a verb

Specifically to mean to go, or to spend time in often

attend
call
call on
call upon
camp out in
drop by
drop in
frequent
habituate
hang
hang at
haunt
infest
invade
over run
patronize
pop
pop by
pop in
resort
resort to
run
run in
stay
stay at
stop
stop at
stop by
stop in
stop over
swarm
take in
tarry
tarry in
visit

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Affect

As a verb

Specifically to mean to go, or to spend time in often

attend
call
call on
call upon
camp out in
drop by
drop in
frequent
habituate
hang
hang at
haunt
infest
invade
over run
patronize
pop
pop by
pop in
resort
resort to
run
run in
stay
stay at
stop
stop at
stop by
stop in
stop over
swarm
take in
tarry
tarry in
visit

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Affect

As a verb

Specifically meaning to present a false appearance of

act
assume
bluff
camouflage
conceal
counterfeit
dissemble
disguise
dissimilate
fake
feign
feint
forge
imitate
impersonate
let on
make believe
malinger
mask
masquerade
pass
pass for
play
play act
pose
pretend
profess
put on
sham
simulate

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Affect

As a verb

Specifically meaning to present a false appearance of

act
assume
bluff
camouflage
conceal
counterfeit
dissemble
disguise
dissimilate
fake
feign
feint
forge
imitate
impersonate
let on
make believe
malinger
mask
masquerade
pass
pass for
play
play act
pose
pretend
profess
put on
sham
simulate

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Affect

As a verb

Specifically mean to be the affair of, or to be the business of

appertain
appertain to
apply
apply to
bear
bear on
concern
embroil
ensnare
entangle
implicate
involve
pertain
pertain to
refer
refer to
relate
relate to
touch

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Affect

As a verb

Specifically mean to be the affair of, or to be the business of

appertain
appertain to
apply
apply to
bear
bear on
concern
embroil
ensnare
entangle
implicate
involve
pertain
pertain to
refer
refer to
relate
relate to
touch

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Affect

As a verb

Exhaustive

act
afflict
agitate
allure
alter
appertain
appertain to
apply
apply to
assume
attend
attract
bear
bear on
bewitched
bias
bluff
bother
call
call on
call upon
camouflage
camp
camp out in
captivate
carry away
change
charm
conceal
concern
colour
counterfeit
dazzle
discomfort
discompose
dissemble
disguise
disquiet
dissimulate
distress
disturb
drop by
drop in
embroil
enchant
engage
enlarge
enrapture
ensnare
enthral
enthrall
entrail
entrance
fascinate
fake
feign
feint
fluster
forge
frequent
get to
habituate
hang
hang at
harass
harry
haunt
imitate
impact
impersonate
implicate
impinge
impress
induce
infest
influence
inspire
interest
Invade
involve
let on
make believe
malinger
mask
masquerade
modify
move on
overcome
over run
pass
pass for
patronise
penetrate
pertain
pertain to
perturb
prevail
pester
pierce
plague
play
play act
pop
pop by
pop in
pose
pretend
profess
ravish
reach
refer
refer to
regard
relate
relate to
resort
resort to
run
run in
sham
simulate
smite
stay
stay at
stir
stop
stop at
stop by
stop in
stop over
strain
stress
strike
swarm
take in
tarry
tarry in
tell
tell on
touch
transport
trouble
try
upset
visit
worry
wring

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Affect

Specifically meaning to act upon a person or peoples feelings, as to cause a result

afflict
agitate
allure
attract
bewitch
bias
bother
captivate
carry away
charm
colour
concern
dazzle
discomfort
discompose
disquiet
distress
disturb
enchant
engage
enrapture
enthral
enthrall
entrance
fascinate
fluster
get to
harass
harry
impact
impress
influence
inspire
interest
involve
move
penetrate
perturb
pester
pierce
plague
ravish
reach
smite
stir
strain
stress
sway
tell
tell on
touch
transport
trouble
try
upset
worry
wring

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Affect

Specifically meaning to act upon a person or peoples feelings, as to cause a result

afflict
agitate
allure
attract
bewitch
bias
bother
captivate
carry away
charm
colour
concern
dazzle
discomfort
discompose
disquiet
distress
disturb
enchant
engage
enrapture
enthral
enthrall
entrance
fascinate
fluster
get to
harass
harry
impact
impress
influence
inspire
interest
involve
move
penetrate
perturb
pester
pierce
plague
ravish
reach
smite
stir
strain
stress
sway
tell
tell on
touch
transport
trouble
try
upset
worry
wring

Dictionary corner

Affect

The word affect is both a noun and a verb.

Noun

As a noun it mean-

• Emotion, as influencing behaviour
• Desire as influencing behaviour
• Pretend

Verb

As a verb it means-

• To have an effect on
• To make a difference
• To move emotionally
• To touch the feelings of
• Pretend to feel
• Pretend to feel something
• Pretend to have
• Pretend to have something
• To assume pretentiously
• To assume something pretentiously
• To assume as to make an impression on others
• To assume something as to make an impression on others
• To use pretentiously
• To use something pretentiously
• To use as to make an impression on others
• To use something as to make an impression on others
• To wear pretentiously
• To wear something pretentiously as to make an impression on others
• To wear as to make an impression on others
• To wear something as to make an impression on others
  
  

Commonly Confused Words

Affect and Effect

People often use the words affect and effect interchangeably, the reason for this is not only because they sound the same, but because their meanings are related. However, they can not be used interchangeably, as they do mean different things.

You have an affect.
The effect is the result.

There is a really simple way I round to help you remember which to use in a sentence.

The word effect is usually used as a noun. Whereas, the word affect is mostly used as a verb.

A verb is an action word.

The word affect, which stats with the letter a, is an action, and the word action also starts with the letter a.

Writing over view

Week 1

Week 1/4
Week starting – Monday the 1^st of November 2022

Tuesday

4 hours and 3 minutes

Wednesdays

4 hours 28 minutes

Saturday

2 hours 21 minutes7

Sunday

3 hours 16 minutes

Total hours done= 14 hours 10 minutes
Total pages written= 3 1/2

Announcement

Return of my writing journal

For the next five weeks, I am afraid the only writing journal posts I will have for you will be,

• An hours log
• A pages log
• A dictionary corner post
• A commonly confused words post
• Alternative words posts

I apologise for this, but I wont be writing my plan for December until next week – Week starting Monday 5^th December 2022. Though I am behind on this months planning, I am actually getting back into things quicker that I thought, and un until now have just been going with the flow, while juggling- my Sunday autobiographical posts, my origami videos and my cross stitching. Honestly, I did not even think my writing journal would be back so soon. Even though I’m sorry the first few weeks won’t be fully what you are used to, hopefully after that the Wednesday posts will be better than ever.

Love,

Pix

Writing overview

Week 2

Week 2/4
Week starting- Monday 8^th November 2022

Thursday

4 hours 28 minutes

Saturday

5 hours 50 minutes

Total hours done= 10 hours 18 minutes
Total pages done= 14

Fight Club

Part one

At the age of twenty, I had a physical fight with a team of bouncers.

All five foot one, seven stone me, barely dressed in the snow, with circulation issues, against three bouncers, two male, one female.

It doesn’t sound like much of a fight, does it?

Which is why I can assure you, I didn’t start it. I am reckless. I am impulsive. I am not stupid.

If somebody had predicted earlier that night that I would have a fight with three bouncers and come out on top, never mind alive, or just not hospitalised, I’d have obviously thought they were joking, but that is what happened.

It is, I suppose, a testament to how bizarre my life has been overall, as well as how chaotic and awful this particular time in my life was for me, that I rarely remember it. For fifteen years, the memory of this event only came occasionally, specifically when recalling my sexual assault trial, and even then not always.

It was a couple of months ago when I first recalled it outside of those circumstances. I was DMing with a girl who also has BPD, sharing war stories, when our conversation sparked my memory of the event, and I suddenly understood that I only came out on top because I have BPD.

Before I was diagnosed with BPD, I used to joke that Bruce Banner wouldn’t like me when I was angry. After my diagnosis, I still do, because I realised, whether intentional or unintentional Bruce Banner is the human personification of BPD itself. When people lift cars off their children or partners, that’s a great example of how a BPD episode, caused by the belief that you are in immediate physical danger can affect you. You gain this superhuman strength and physical resilience. The guy on the battlefield who won’t stop fighting in movies, even though he has literally been hacked apart: the final girl who has been thrown down a flight of stairs, stabbed ten times, then shot, but still gets back up and defeats the murderer; they are BPD.

Borderline personality disorder can work that way emotionally too. While chaos reigns, I am the God it fears. When chaos dies and I have time and space to reflect back on it, that is often when I fall apart emotionally and mentally.

I’ve agonised for a while over where the best place to begin my stories about the group from the first floor is, and I have decided this story is the best place.

There are so many reasons why.

Not only does my physical, emotional, and mental survival, during and after the incident in today’s story mirror the struggles I had to come, this incident might have played apart in beginning the one to come. It certainly gave me the false impression I could trust Laura and Mel. It also may have given my stalker the knowledge that I was both a vulnerable and an unbelievable, or at least just an unlikable, victim.

Additionally, this night mirrors my first suicide attempt in some ways too, which is where I personally consider this chapter of my life to have ended. On this occasion, I was worried I might lose my fingers to frost bite. After my suicide attempt, I was informed by the doctors that they were shocked I hadn’t lost both of my hands and feet to it.

When the fire alarm started ringing, around half an hour before the school uniform event was due to finish, I was coincidentally, but unsurprisingly, in the toilet, mid pee.

Laura and Mel were in the function hall.

The toilets were located in the entrance of the building, near the cloak room.

As I exited the toilets into that entrance, a student member of staff, who was waiting outside the toilets, ordered me to leave the building.

Looking back, I appreciate it might be odd that a member of staff would be ready to direct those of us coming out of the toilets as soon as the alarm went off, what’s weird to me about this is that she didn’t come inside to tell us to leave immediately, rather waited patiently for us to finish whatever we were doing in there. I’ll happily admit that in the confusion, as half the people around me panicked their way outside, and the other half left calmly, it never occurred to me that this might be strange. If it should have, but didn’t, I still don’t blame myself.

Personally, I feel, I took the responsible action for me, the other people attending the event, the staff, and any rescue workers, by leaving the building calmly and immediately. Therefore, not contributing to the mayhem that followed, as confused, scared, panicking, heavily intoxicated, students all tried to push through a single door into the entrance, fighting each other to get outside alive.

Every business is supposed to have a fire evacuation plan in place, that their staff are both aware of and trained in. I know some don’t, but they are supposed to.

That cloak room was just a few steps away from the toilets.

Even if I had requested my coat before leaving the building, explaining nicely and reasonably about my circulation issues, I wouldn’t have gotten my coat, because that’s what I eventually did, and despite my obvious evidence I wasn’t lying, meaning my blue hands, they refused to give me it.

Laura and Mel, who later informed me of the mayhem that had erupted inside, had purposely held back, making the decision that fire or not, that was the safest option.

Apparently not a single person attempted to use a fire door, including them. When I enquired as to why this was, they shrugged and confessed it never crossed either of their minds to do so. In their defence though, neither had the possibility they might be in danger, as they never believed there was fire to begin with.

Even at twenty, the idea of a school uniform night felt off to me, so I hadn’t attended the two previous ones. Whereas, Laura and Mel had attend both.

By the time they found me in the crowd, the best part of an hour had passed.

Some students had already gone home.

The majority were still there, a small amount waiting to collect their belongings from inside, many searching for friends they’d been separated from, most waiting to see what drama unfolded next.

I’m not a fire expert, but I think its safe to assume that after almost an hour, if there had been a fire, all the staff would also have been evacuated, the fire brigade would have been both alerted and arrived, and there would be visible flames, smoke, and property damage. None of this had happened.

Laura informed me that one of the girls on her course worked on the bar at the Enfield campus student union. The same thing, meaning the fire alarm going off had happened at the second school uniform event. When Laura questioned her as to what had caused it the next day, the girl bragged that the staff deliberately set it off to clear the bar, as they’d had problems getting people to leave the first school uniform event once it was over.

She told me this because her and Mel were concerned about the condition of my hands when they found me. They were already blue, and numb. I was having difficulty moving my fingers, and despite the numbness they burned. Yet, I was reluctant to ask for my coat, due to what I assumed to be the seriousness of the situation, being that I believed there was a real fire.

The situation was serious, but not because there was a real fire, quite the opposite.

Laura was right, the staff had deliberately pulled the fire alarm to empty the venue, which I imagine is serious enough. What they didn’t do, which made the situation even more dangerous, was follow their evacuation plan.

Unlike the first time they set off the fire alarm, they decided as they knew there wasn’t a real fire they didn’t have to properly follow their evacuation training. Probably not emptying the toilets as soon as the alarm was pulled was one way they failed in their duty to keep us safe. Another way they failed was that they didn’t direct people to use their nearest fire door.

The main double door was only big enough for three people, maximum, to fit through at once.

It’s a miracle nobody was killed.

I knew none of this at the time.

As we walked across the large grass field, through the crowds, back towards the entrance, it was obvious that a lot of people were still frightened, shocked, and confused.

It was me who approached the female bouncer, showed her my hands, and explained I had circulation issues. It was freezing outside, and small flakes of snow were blowing in the wind. If she had been honest and informed us they had no intention of letting anybody back inside to retrieve their belongings that night, I might have given up straight away and called a taxi to go home. It is very likely I would have ended up using that taxi to take me to hospital if that was what I had done. Instead, what she said was that at that moment it wasn’t safe enough for us to re enter the building.

This gave me the impression it was me re entering the building that was the issue. As I could see passed her into the cloakroom and my jacket, one of less than ten, was on the nearest hook, I asked her to please get it for me. The cloak room staff where still inside the building, behind the table, so they could have easily passed it to her.

No, she answered, hostilely If she gave me my coat, other people would want their own.

“Other people don’t have circulation issues,” Mel pointed out.

“You could just give them their coats too,” Laura suggested. “How longs it going to take you to hand out six coats?”

“Not very long,” Mel responded.

Glaring at me, the female bouncer accused me of being a problem earlier in the night, warning me that if I was going to continue to be a problem now as well, I wouldn’t be allowed back to the venue.

“How was she a problem earlier?” Mel questioned her.

“Please, I just need my coat so I can go home,” I begged.

That’s when the two male bouncers started making disgusting sexual comments about us.

Though I know they were saying things about the way we were dressed, the only comment I even partly remember is that the bouncer who attacked me just moments later made a comment about me not needing hands when I had such a big mouth.

I’ll assume I don’t need to list all the reasons this was an inappropriate and vile comment to say to any women, but especially one who is genuinely afraid she is going to lose her fingers.

Regardless of the fact that I found their comments upsetting, I ignored the two men and continued to beg the female bouncer for my coat, while Laura, Mel, and the two male bouncers argued.

It was when Laura declared loudly that we all knew there wasn’t a real fire and that if anything happened to me she would make sure they all lost their jobs, that the bouncer nearest me lost his temper, grabbed me by both shoulders, and launched me into the air.

Trigger Warning

Fair warning, today post, and all my posts for the foreseeable future are going to be triggering for many of us. The non fiction, autobiographical, stories I am going to be telling over the next few weeks will contain-

• Male on female violence,
• Stalking by a serial predator
• Sexual assault
• Rape
• Potential unwanted pregnancy
• Consideration of abortion
• STI’s
• Sexual objectification of females
• Sexual degradation of females
• Female on female judgement
• Female on female oppression
• Police interrogation
• Sexual assault court trials
• Witness intimidation
• Victim blaming
• Sexist inequality
• Gender based inequality
• Incorrect use/abuse of prescription drugs
• Incorrect prescription drugs being prescribed
• Severe mental illness
• Suicidal ideation
• Incorrect medical care
• Incorrect medical diagnosis
• Abusive relationships
• Abusive friendships
• Recreational drug use (not my own)
• Potential drug addiction (not my own)
• Suicide (not my own)
• More car accidents (this time non involving me)

If you can’t cope with reading about any of the above right now, then please don’t read the posts this trigger warning is for right now.

Though, I do sincerely and humbly request that if you can, or when you can, you do, especially if you personally have been affected by any of the above.

My reason for starting this blog wasn’t to vent, it was because I believe we need to change our society for the better, and soon.

Due to this, and the reality that it is going to be extremely triggering for me to write about these events, I am not going to be holding back my opinions or emotions, no matter how unpopular they are going to be to the majority of our society, and probably mostly to those in our society who have luckily never experienced the above. However, I will try to separate the stories and the opinions, by writing the stories as I normally do, and adding an opinion piece post. Honestly, I am proud, as a person these popular opinions are supposed to protect, to hold the unpopular opinions I do, because I am happy I am intelligent enough to understand that not enough of us, and especially those of us these popular opinions claim to protect, while actually doing the opposite, are challenging these harmful opinions that have made our society the shit show it currently is, and my opinions as unpopular as they may be, are just as valid as yours, or anybody else’s.

More importantly, they are more important and valid than the opinions of people who have never been affected by any of these things, as are yours if you have.

My opinions and thoughts around the terrible things I have lived through aren’t kind or nice, nor should they be. Just because they aren’t kind or nice doesn’t mean they are wrong, and society has no right to tell me that they are. They come from very real unpleasant events that I have actually lived through and survived, therefore it would be ridiculous if they were kind and nice, and nobody has a right to try to force me to feel the way they want me to about those events, especially when you consider censoring people like me only cuts us off from current and future survivors. My real emotions and opinions have the potential to inspire meaningful support to other survivors, and meaningful change that can hopefully lead to true equality for us all, and less people falling victim to the same or similar horrors.

It is time survivors started a meaningful conversation about how we as survivors feel and the change we want. We won’t agree on everything and that more than ok, it is normal. Respectful, openminded dialogue with those you don’t agree with is so important for society and societal change, and it is a skill many of us sadly don’t possess. The reason these people don’t possess that ability isn’t because they are incapable of it, it is because learning how to do it doesn’t benefit them. What they truly want isn’t to discus change that is best for us all, they want to force change that benefits themselves.

I am inviting that respectful openminded dialogue here, and now, between survivors’. If you’re not a survivor of any of the above please respectfully mind your own business and stay out of the conversation.

As survivors we need to stop caring about the emotions and opinions of people who are talking about the events we have survived, but they haven’t. You can’t claim to have the answers to a problem you haven’t experienced, or to know what is right for those who have experienced it, first hand. The fact we don’t request that these people be quiet and listen to us is the reason we can’t agree on and advocate for the change we want and need, and the true equality we want and need. When people talk about an issue they have never faced, over the people who have, that’s oppression. Worse. It’s oppression we, as a society, have approved.

Ironically, the same thing could be said about trigger warnings.

Trigger warnings are just another way of censoring those with trauma, by people without it, while they pretend they are doing it for the victims of that trauma.

Really think about it. The people who demand trigger warning are demanding them from people who have faced trauma they themselves haven’t.

Therefore, very rarely is the correct material censored in the correct way.

Those of us who have lived through awful things know that trauma isn’t a switch that can be flicked off and on. We live with it constantly. Sometimes it’s stronger than others, but its always there.

When that trauma is fresh or at it strongest, do, or did, you personally seek out material that depicted similar events?

The answer for some will be no. In which case, you don’t seek out horror, you don’t seek out true crime, you don’t seek out the news.

The answer for others will be yes. In which case, you ignore the trigger warnings knowing how it’s going to hurt and doing it anyway.

I think the answer for most of us is actually both at different times.

We don’t need those trigger warnings to baby sit us. We are adults, we know what we need to avoid in the media and what we don’t.

It’s real life where we need the trigger warnings, and it’s real life where we don’t get them. It is my opinion that real life is a place we shouldn’t get them. Who are we to say what can be censored in other people’s lives?

I also believe that true survivors will understand me when I say that it’s often not even the mention of the awful thing you survived itself that triggers you. Often it is the smallest, seemingly most insignificant, things.

For me, it’s not the mention of women being raped in their sleep, but if it was I can tell you I have never seen a trigger warning on a news story, or any of the in poor taste media that depicted female students being raped after passing out drunk that was shoved down our throats after the me too movement.

For me it’s Dr Who, guys who look like my rapist, finger shaped bruises…

Bruises, faces that look a certain way, Dr who, none of them come with trigger warnings.

Should they?

Of course they shouldn’t.

But, I give trigger warnings, and will continue to give them, on my blog as a courtesy, just in case someone is triggered by my subject matter.

And listen. If you do need them, I’m not slating you. Needed them doesn’t mean you’re weak. I just hope one day you won’t need them. It’s just that I feel most of us probably haven’t benefited from them, and don’t feel they are beneficial. As I said earlier, none of us will agree on everything.

It’s a courtesy that I actually never get repaid.

Nobody puts trigger warnings before they demonise, glorify, appropriate, or malinger, stigmatised mental illness.

Nobody cares whether those of us who are suffering with them and vulnerable because of them are triggered by what they are saying, or how that affects us in real life.

Yet, the same people who do this to us, demand trigger warnings on my tweets where I talk about the reality of living with my illness in order to educate people and destigmatise it. The same people will request I put a trigger warning stating that a tweet contains the word suicide before I list things I feel would prevent suicide in large numbers.

This is what I mean by it being oppression.

They are allowed to cause harm to me through their uncensored tweets, but I must censor my own when I speak about that. I must put a warning that this post mentions the word suicide, therefore saying the very word I’m warning you I’m going to say.

Its not just oppression. Its harmful, insane, oppression, that is counterproductive and makes no sense whatsoever.

The truth as I see it is that, trigger warning aren’t there to protect those of us who have lived through trauma. Sorry to break this to those of you who haven’t, we lived through it. If you think I survived the act of rape itself but you talking about it will break me then you’re absolutely disconnected from any idea of what its like to be a survivor of rape. No, trigger warnings are there so that those who are lucky not to have survived it don’t have to vicariously live through a situation they personally feel is icky.

Yet, these same people will happily read a news story that goes into great detail about how somebody killed themselves, without requesting a trigger warning for that article, even though suicide contagion is a very real thing.

For those of you asking what suicide contagion is, I’ve never looked up the meaning, as I’ve never felt like I have to, as when I heard the phrase being thrown around I was pretty sure I had it. When I read an article about a person killing themselves that goes into great detail about how they done it, I don’t feel the way other people say they feel. I don’t feel horror, or pity. I feel relief and happiness for the person who succeed in doing it, and a euphoria that one day I might succeed in doing it, to the point that sometimes it’s all I’ll think about for weeks, and the more I think about it the more I want to give it another go.

I say this, as two time suicide survivor, not to shock you, but to educate you, and to hopefully prove my point, because if I am going to read that article, I am going to read it whether there is a trigger warning or not.

Trigger warnings are censorship of those of us who have trauma or mental illness etc, while others talk freely about that trauma and those illnesses without censorship.

A person who has never been affected by real mental illness has no right to demand a trigger warning from me when I do.

Just like a person who has never experienced a certain type of trauma has no right to speak over those of us who have when we do.

I will share links to this warning every time I share a link to a blog it’s about.
This is it. These are the stories I have been building up to tell you for the longest time. Hopefully I will see you all on the other side.

Déjà vu

That night started off badly.

This is why-

Firstly, it was colder than we expected. I believe it was February of 2007. I know it had snowed heavily that January. The snow was so deep even those students born and raised in London claimed they’d never experienced weather like it. The forecast had reassured us the weather would be getting warmer. It was wrong.

To make the temperature situation worse, we were on our way to a school uniform night at the Enfield campus, so we were wearing short skirts and thin blouses. I, a northern girl, from a city infamous for women winter clubbing in nothing more than tiny dresses, was the only one of us who had worn a jacket. Please keep in mind I have very bad circulation issues, particularly in my fingers and toes, and though at the time I didn’t know why, I was aware I had them.

I want to add a note here saying it is my recommendation that you don’t go to school uniform nights, especially if you’re a student. They are disgusting, and what makes it even worse is the majority of the people they were encouraging to dress up like school children had only just left school themselves. We were barely older than the children wearing those school uniforms to school rather than a university event. It is my opinion the people running these events were perverts. I especially still looked like a very young child.

Secondly, Amy had decided not to go at the very last moment, I don’t remember why, leaving me to go alone with Laura, Mel, and Nicola. Nicola also decided not to go right as we were leaving.

This happened around the time me and Amy removed ourselves from the penthouse crew. As a result of this, and that the five of us always ended up together a uni events anyway at this point, I had become much closer to Laura and Mel, so Amy’s change of plans did not change my plans.

Most of that night is now lost to me. What I do still have is a hazy recollection of the journey there, and a clear memory of the end of the night.

In this post I am going to talk just about the journey there.

We had as usual been pre event drinking. I need to pee every five minutes normally, drinking alcohol make this worse. Due to the cold temperature though, I wasn’t the only person desperate for the toilet on our journey from the Trent Park campus to the Enfield campus, on the bus there, Laura started complaint that she needed to go too.

Once off the bus, there was a maybe ten minute walk to the campus, then we would have to wait a queue, while the bouncers searched those before us who were also waiting to get inside the student union.

Laura was certain she couldn’t make it to the campus. I wasn’t sure I’d survive the queue, but due to what happened to me that night in central London, I was adamant that we try to make it to the event to pee.

Halfway there, Laura declared she couldn’t hold it anymore. Refusing to go into an alleyway alone at night, she insisted I go with her.

As I was with someone else, I couldn’t make myself pee. This wasn’t like the night in Trent Park woods with Amy, where it was so dark we couldn’t see each other and could hear each other pissing into the grass and soil. Here, there was the dim glow of the streetlamps, and the ground was concrete.

Despite this, Laura had no problem going.

The building we were behind was a closed commercial building, so why it never occurred to us that there would be security cameras I don’t know.

Laura was done by the time she noticed the security camera that was pointing directly at us. I hadn’t been able to start. Regardless, we got out of there straight away. Laura waved up at the camera smiling as we did.

She though it was hilarious and told everyone.

Again, I felt shame and violation. What I also felt was a different type of fear to the type I had felt in the alley way in central London.

Regardless of our councils here in England not providing enough public toilets, and those they do closing at night, urinating in public is illegal. If I had urinated in public and gotten into trouble, or even had been the one who had demanded we did it but couldn’t, that wouldn’t have been great, but at least I would have actually broken the law. What I was afraid of was getting into trouble for something I hadn’t even done. This is a fear that has haunted me through both my teenage years and adulthood, as well as one that triggers my episodes.

Though I don’t remember doing it, I’m certain I dwelt on this possibility all night, as I know myself.

On top of this, the bouncers at the door treated me with suspicion. There reason for doing so seemed to be that I was wearing a jacket and nobody else was, even though it was freezing cold. As well as searching my handbag which was standard practice, they patted me down which wasn’t, despite me obviously having no pockets and wearing barely there clothing, further exacerbating my bladder discomfort. I had wanted to keep my jacket with me, but when they insisted, they either take another few minutes to check it, or I take a few seconds to check it into the cloak room, I checked it into the cloakroom, in order to get to the toilet faster.

The cloak room was just a row of coat hangers in buildings entrance, which was separate to the main function room, which they had put some tables in front of so they could charge everyone a couple of pounds in return for a raffle tick receipt to get your coat back.

Little did I know that my decision to leave my jacket in that cloak room would lead to me being physically assaulted by these very bouncers just a few hours later.

Girl interrupted

Slipping into the dark, empty, alleyway that separated the two shops in front of me, I followed it as far up and away from the still busy main road as I could get, which was when I reached an alleyway that ran along the back of the strand of shops.

I suppose it would be accurate to say I was forced to make the choice I did, because it was my choice, however at the time it felt like my only option.

In my post Conditioned To Expect And Accept It Part 2.c, the post about Adams friend who had the strange hobby of sexually assaulting any blonde women that he came into contact with, I mentioned how the rest of the night wasn’t uneventful for the group that went on to the club with him.

The truth is, it wasn’t uneventful for me either.

There is part of what occurred as we made our way home that night, that I left out of the post. The reason why I did this isn’t because at the time it happened to me it was deeply shameful and extremely traumatising, which it definitely was, rather I try not to ramble or go off topic in my posts, which is actually very hard for me due to my racing scrambled thoughts, this is also why I am going to tell you about it separate to the stories that prompted me to tell you this story today, all of which happened on the same night as each other, but not on the same night as this one.

It does have loose links to the first incident, in that it was fresh in my life, and I recall feeling ashamed, violated, and afraid, on both nights, while in the alleyways and after, but also later while standing in the snow half dressed.

Now, at the age of thirty six, the story in this post is one I have told as funny anecdote on many occasions when people who know about it ask me to, usually at parties, to their friends I have never met.

After we split up in to two groups, a quick discussion took place between the people in the group I was in, about how we were going to get home now our night had been cut short. I wanted to go into a pub, any pub, before we set off, to use the toilet, as I was feeling the urge to pee coming on, but the others were determined to make the last train and insisted I could use the toilet at the tube station, if it had one.

I knew that even if the tube station had a toilet, using it before we got on the train home wouldn’t be possible, as to me it didn’t seem like we could realistically make it to the station on time. Never mind fit in a toilet visit, yet when I voiced my concerns, they were dismissed, so I kept my mouth shut for the next ten minutes until we reached the tube station, twenty minutes after it had closed.

The last train had been due fifteen minutes earlier than they thought it was.

Desperate now, and surrounded by closed shops, I requested that we find any open business that might have a public toilet in it.

Again, I was told firmly that we didn’t have time, only now their reason was that they wanted to make the earliest night bus possible.

That was it. My stomach was aching, I was so desperate. There was no chance I was making it from central London to oakwood on a bus without pissing myself, I wasn’t even convinced I could make it to the end of the street. I needed to go, and I needed to go right there and then. The choice I made was the only one I thought might not involve me covered in my own liquid waste. I had to pee, even if led to me ending up alone, in a strange city, at night. I’d get a taxi home, like we had all planned to, only alone. I would pay the huge fare myself if I had to.

The place I found, that alley way, never seemed like an ideal place to go, but it was because I suspected many people had pissed in this exact same spot, on this exact same night.

Attempting to squat and balance, while not allowing any of my bare skin or clothing to touch either, the floor, wall, or my own pee, I let go.

It was at that very moment I learned the back of those shops wasn’t as isolated as I had thought it would be.

I heard them before I saw them, coming along the alleyway behind the buildings, rather than the one up the side, which I was at the top of. A couple of them were already whooping and laughing.

Then one of them shouted, “There’s a woman pissing in that alleyway.”

That’s when they all started clapping and cheering as they approached me.

I tried to stop, but it was impossible. I had been so desperate and held it for so long that I couldn’t. Plus, when they started whooping, they were close enough to the side alley I was in to see me in the very dim light from the streetlamps at the front of the shops.

It was out of my control. I continued to pee as they passed by, all having a good look.

As soon as I finished, I pulled up my underpants and ran back out onto the main road, where I was thankful to find the group waiting for me.

In shock, I explained what had just happened to me, and they all laughed too.

The Ghosts Of Gubby Halls

“Fucking hell Eric, you’re such an insensitive, inconsiderate, prick.”

All of us, having pre event drinks, in Johnnies room, turned to see what Amy was complaining about.

Erics costume, which was a Nazi soldiers uniform, did not surprise us.

If I had to describe Eric, all I could say about him, as its all I know about him, is that he was offensive, purely because he enjoyed being offensive. Honestly though, I think that’s all I need to say about Eric in order for you to get an accurate picture of who he was. Unfortunately, I think we all probably have, or will, meet somebody like Eric at some point. He was the type of person who ruins everything enjoyable on purpose. When I saw him that night, I instantly regretted allowing myself to be persuaded to go to the Halloween event, which was being held at our campus, the Trent Park campus. Why I hadn’t wanted to go, I don’t recall. I only remember that I hadn’t, and as a result had to throw together a costume from my own clothes, and a fake parrot I already had, which was supposed to sit on your shoulder, but kept falling off.

What did surprise us, though in my opinion it did not make his costume any less offensive, was his excuse for wearing it.

“Did you know, during the second world war, the mansion was used as a prison for Nazi soldiers?”

None of us had know this at the time, yet it is true. I might be wrong, but I believe Eric was a history student, and the history students were based at the mansion building, so this information would have been both interesting to him, as well as relevant to his degree.

“I’m going to piss off some Nazi ghosts tonight!” Eric boomed, roaring with laughter, as he ran back into the corridor, heading off to try to upset as many people as possible.

Whether any prisoners died at Trent Park to produce ghosts, I don’t know. What I do know is, people have died there since, so they probably had died there before.

At this time, and even now, I’m not sure if I believe ghosts exist.

However, many students, including Sam and Emma, did, and claimed they were experience paranormal activity, such as open doors closing by themselves, belongings moving around, and even disappearing only to reappear later.

None of which I believed was happening, until it started happening to me.

It is my opinion, most of these students were lying. What I suspect is that Erics story spread that night, then continued to spread during the following weeks, morphing into a ghost origins story, rather than a piece of trivia.

However, some female students might have been telling the truth, and because she was my next door neighbour, Sam could have genuinely been experiencing some of these things, if her room had been mistaken for mine in the beginning, because it has since been proven that I was really experiencing these things.

Maybe, I would have taken what was happening to me a bit more seriously if it hadn’t been for all the gossip about ghosts.

I need to state here, that I think, my Jewellery was stolen after this mystery was solved, during my third term of my first year.

It was half way through my second term when I began to notice my belongings moving around my room when I wasn’t there, or more often disappearing completely, in my case, never to return.

At first, I genuinely thought I was going crazy, until I noticed a pattern in when these odd things were occurring, which was mainly on a Friday.

Looking back now, it’s obvious, two factors came together to make what was really taking place a possibility. My only weekly lecture was on a Friday morning, which coincidentally was the same time the cleaner would clean my room. They never ever double locked the door on leaving, meaning, if you knew how, you could break in using any plastic card you would normally find in your purse or wallet.

Regardless, I will admit there were likely days when I just forgot to double lock my door, therefore allowing my room to be broken into on days other than a Friday. Also, I won’t pretend I definitely would have been aware something more serious was going on, if the ghost rumours hadn’t been circulating. After all, when I mentioned it to S, and asked if he thought I had a ghost in my room, he laughed and told me no, I had just misplaced or lost my missing possessions, which is, especially were I’m concerned, the most reasonable and logical answer.

Only, this couldn’t have been the case in every instance.

For example- One Friday, I forgot to take my sketch books with me to university. In the afternoon, I returned to collect them, and found them where I had left them, which was in a pile on my desk, ready to put in my bag, next to my source materials, minus several of my loose sketches that I remember putting inside the books. Those sketches had never left that room, they had never even left my desk.

There was also a very obvious pattern, now am aware of what that pattern is, in what items were going missing. It was mainly smaller and/or loose pieces of my art work, booklets from my favourite CD’s, hair clips, cheap accessories, make up, underwear, and smaller and/or thinner items of clothing. These are all things, that in disappearing, should have alerted me to the fact I was being stalked by a dangerous predator, who had marked me has his next victim.

The Fall From The Penthouse

Charlie’s message was both bizarre and came out of the blue.

It shocked me, but it never made me question the decision I had already made.

I miss you.

She was never coming back to university, so she would miss me regardless of whether, or not, her message worked.

We all miss you.

Carole and fee could never stand me. And even if Amy and May missed me, it wasn’t me they actually missed, it was playing with me like a doll.

I’m worried about you.
We’re all worried about you.
I think there might be something wrong with you.
We all think there might be something wrong with you.

What was wrong with me in their opinion, that I wasn’t a money obsessed, racist, who looked down on other people, and killed animals for fun?

If so, I was fine with having something wrong with me.

I think you might need help.
We all think you might need help.

Why did I need help in their opinion, was it because I stopped allowing them to play with me like a toy, while also treating me like something they stepped in, or was it that I confronted them about how they treated other people?

Either way, I was better off without help that would make me either similar, or submissive, to them.

I knew why Charlie had sent me the message. The members of the penthouse crew wanted to make up, so that things could, “get back to normal.”

I wasn’t pushed.
I was even offered a helping hand off the ledge and back inside.
I jumped.
I chose to jump.

Even knowing where I landed, and how it effected both me and my life, I don’t regret that decision.

Carole

Genuinely, I can’t recall if I already mentioned why I distanced myself from Carole, as truthfully I rarely remember she even existed and I have searched my blood and chocolate titles and found none that suggest I have, so I am going tell you about it in this post.

It’s not a thrilling story, I just want to tie this section of my stories about the penthouse crew up, and to do it in a way that makes my situation at this point in my life clear where these particular people are concerned, which is that I was no longer friends with any of them.

It would be inaccurate to phrase what occurred with Carole as a falling out, because we were never close to begin with, and there wasn’t a single incident that divided us, more it was just that I couldn’t stand to be around her anymore, which is why I have chosen to use the phrase distance myself from her, as even after I fell out with Amy I still tried to be friends with Carole. As cruel as it sounds, I did have a valid reason for not being able to stand being around her, and I don’t think she cared, because I don’t think she could stand me either.

As always, I do want to be fair to the person I am discussing, in this case Carole, so I am happy to admit there were times when she was nice to me.

For example- when she lent me her camera, though I do wonder if the reason she offered to let me borrow it was so she could be involved in the event. Either way, her reason doesn’t matter to me, she didn’t need to offer to let me use it at all, and I am still very grateful she did.

One the other hand, there were times when it felt as though we were getting along well, then she turned around and was a bit of a cow to me for no reason.

The reality is, Carole was not an easy person to like, yet it is only now as I write this post about her that I realise this was the case. When this was happening, I actually felt bad about the way everybody else treated, and talked behind her back about, her.

The fact I, Carole seemed to have an overly hight opinion of herself, which I am never going to knock anybody for, confidence is a great thing and I sincerely wish everybody loved themselves. The problem with carols confidence was that it came from putting other people down. Carole blatantly thought some people were trash compared to her and treated them as such an awful lot. I was one of these people.

Again, I want to be fair to Carole, so I will state here that I know nothing about her, or her families, financial situations, all I know is that she liked to make things about money a lot, more precisely she liked to make things about other people’s money, especially mine.

Her issue with me wasn’t that I was a northerner, as she was also a northerner, and I have good reason to doubt that it had anything to do with me being from Liverpool, and more that it was to do with her friendship with Fee and May.

Once, at the beginning of our first year at university, me and Carole went shopping in Enfield together alone. We were having fun. She was even buying more than I was, and her purchases were all items she wanted, rather than needed. However, as soon as I spent money her attitude changed. All I bought that day was a few CD’s. Keep in mind this was the mid 2000’s, when music wasn’t as easy to stream for free, if it was at all, and everybody who I knew who listened to music online downloaded it illegally, which I never did. She lectured me on wasting money, during which she said, “If those are worth starving for, then you buy them.”

On a couple of occasions, when she desperately needed to do a food shop, but had nobody to go with, I went with her. I tended to do smaller, more regular shops, alone. Whereas the others tended to do bigger shops, less frequently, in groups, to the point they became incapable of going to the supermarket by themselves, especially if they didn’t drive. Sometimes though, I would go if they invited me, even if it was only to browse and/or buy snacks, regardless of whether I was going to have to put money in for taxi fare home. Which is what had happened on this night. Though there had been similar incidents that had taken place before this one.

For example- Sometimes, the penthouse crew would make group meals together. As me and Carole were vegetarians, we were never included in these events. This never bothered me, particularly as if I wanted to I would still eat with them, I would just eat whatever food I had made myself, but it did seem to bother Carole, so on one of these evenings I suggested me and her make dinner together. Her answer was, “You need your food more than I do.”

Her responses were so weird. I tried to write them off as her worrying about her own money, and projecting those worries onto other people, mainly me, but on this night I couldn’t, and I realised that it was more likely Carole had been looking down on me all along.

After unpacking our shopping, I began eating a yogurt as we talked in the larger kitchen.

“That looks so nice. I wish I’d bought some of them,” she told me, eyeing it.

Seeing as I had bought a mountain of them, I offered her one.

She replied, “You need protein more than I do.”

Bored of her cryptic responses , I questioned her, “Why do I need protein more than you?”

As she began rambling about “your money,” I noticed the disgust and judgement in both her expression and voice, but also I’m not stupid, so the irony of her talking about my money like she was doing me a favour after she had just used me for taxi fare home was not lost on me.

I was done.
I was done with her judgement, disgust, and hypocrisy.
I was done with her.

The Princess And The Poorper

“What do you mean they’re looking for a new place to live next year, its not even easter?”

“Their landlord already has new tenants lined up, and they only told him they won’t be renewing their lease last week. They found their current place this time last year. This is the time of year you need to start looking for a new place to live if you’re a student and you want to rent privately. If they leave it any longer, they’re going to either end up back in halls, or be forced to take a gap year,” S, who was a second year, so had several sets of friends who lived in privately rented student accommodation, explained. “Have you decided what you’re going to do for accommodation next year yet? If not, you need to.”

“I think I might be moving in with Amy. Ill speak to her about it,” I reassured him.

It had been Amy who suggested that me, her, and Charlie, move in together during our second year, and though Charlie had already gone, Amy hadn’t said anything to me about her plans changing. So, when I saw her walking towards her room, on my way back from S’s room, I took the opportunity to mention it to her.

“S says we need to start looking for a place to rent next year now, if were going to move in together,” I informed her, being very careful not to imply anything in regards to her plans.

For a split second her face dropped. Then she laughed at me, as though I was stupid, “Do you still think me and you are moving in together?”

It was her reaction, rather than what she said, that caught me off guard. What I wanted to say was that she hadn’t given me any indication that her plans had changed, and that’s why I mentioned it to her, but instead I found myself stammering, “ I know Charlies gone-“

She cut me off, her expression turning serious, almost hard, and disgusted at the thought even, “Rachel, stop. Don’t grovel. Don’t, embarrass yourself. It’s got nothing to do with Charlie leaving. It’s you. I can’t move in with you. You’re poor. What happens to me if you can’t pay your part of the rent?”

I didn’t answer. I never even tried to answer. There was so much I could have responded with. There was so much I should have responded with. Instead, I just stood there, like the idiot she clearly though I was, stunned and staring at her, feeling like I had been slapped in the face emotionally.

“I’m moving in with Hannah and Johnny. I trust them,” She smirked. Then she entered her room, leaving me in the corridor alone, to gather my thoughts and emotions.

I don’t remember going back to my room, sitting down at my desk, or even how long I sat there staring at the wall, before I picked up the pen and note pad and began to write-

Amy, you have definitely made the right decision, but not for you, Hannah, or even Johnny, rather you have made the right decision for me. You see, I paid my rent in full last term and this term myself at the start of those terms. You never paid your rent in full yourself last term. You had to ask your parents to help you at the very last minute. You have not yet paid your rent in full this term. I imagine you will ask your parents to help you again at the last minute. Yes, I am poor. That means if you didn’t pay your part of the rent, and your parents decided not to pay it, I would be in a lot of trouble financially, as I can’t afford to pay for you just because you can’t manage your own money, and don’t know how to be a responsible adult. Thank you. You have done me a huge favour. You have also taught me a great lesson. You were right, I was an idiot, because it never occurred to me that I couldn’t trust you, simply because I believed you were my friend, I had to have you show me that I couldn’t trust you, and that you are not,

Rachel.

I do remember that I stared at those note pad pages laid out in front of me, that I had only written on one side of, for a very long time before I scooped them up, walked to Amy’s room, and stuck each of them neatly on her door in order so that everybody could read them.

Hitching A Ride?

“I have a surprise for you,” Amy grinned, as I opened my door to her.

Not waiting for a response, she pushed past me into my room, flopped down on my bed, and waited for me to close my door on the rest of the world, just like she had done many times before.

“My dad has arranged a ride back to Liverpool in one of his lorries on Friday morning for you, but you’ll need to be at the loading bay by the time the supplies it’s taking are loaded onto it-“

“Sorry, what?” I held my hands up and shook my head as I interrupted her, showing I was mentally fighting off the idea, sure she was half way through a joke I hadn’t managed to catch onto fast enough, and desperately wanting the distress it was causing me to end, due to me still being severely traumatised by the incident with the taxi driver.

In a truly bizarre twist of fate, Amy’s dad, who was a property developer, had been building a prison in Liverpool since before me and her met.

Despite the prison not being in the same area my family lived in, she constantly referred to it as though it was. She also constantly spoke about it as though it was being built to specifically house the people who lived in that area. By this, I mean, she seemed to be under the impression that because the prison was being build in that area, that area must be a terrible place, and the people living there must all be criminals.

Regardless of her belief that prison are built exclusively in terrible areas likely being incorrect, I am an honest person, so I will happily admit that the area the prison was being built in could be considered a poor and dangerous area overall, that the area I grew up in was worse, and that the two areas are next to each other.

However, me and Amy never discussed the areas we grew up in, in detail, nor how rich or poor our families were.

To me, and everybody else, it was obvious that Amy’s family was rich, even without her hinting at it, which she did often.

To Amy, and everybody else, my opinion is that, it shouldn’t have been obvious that my family was working class. Me and my mum had both worked for many years, my sister had just started working, I also got student loads, just like every other student I knew, including Amy, and even at nineteen and twenty I was a binge eater with a shopping habit.

Yes, I likely made occasional comments about my life which made other people aware I was from a working class family, but I could easily have been lying as my life style certainly wouldn’t have backed up any comments I might have made about my life in Liverpool, or my financial situation in London.

We all discussed our financial situations from time to time, but I certainly never implied mine was worse than theirs, on the contrary it was people like May, who were from the wealthiest families, that complained about having no money.

Either way, none of that really matters in relation to this specific incident, especially if we look at it in isolation. There is no chance that I could have said anything to Amy, or anyone else for that matter, that suggest I couldn’t afford a train ticket home to Liverpool that Friday, or that I wanted or need to go there, as even if I had desperately wanted to, I couldn’t have, due to it being just after I enrolled onto fine art, meaning I had a mountain of work to catch up on, as well as a group to find and join for the group exhibition project.

“My dad has lorries taking building materials to the prison on Friday. He’s arranged for you to get a ride home in one of them,” Now I could tell by Amy’s expression and tone that not only was she not joking, but she truly believed that her and her dad were doing me a massive favour. She was actually expecting me to jump at the chance to travel across the country in a lorry with a complete stranger, not only to me, but to the two of them, all to save me a few pounds on the cost of a train ticket.

Listen, I’m certainly not trying to imply all lorry drivers are bad people, just like I wasn’t trying to imply all taxi drivers are bad people in both my stories about the taxi drivers I told, because the vast majority obviously will be good people, just like with any group of people, but would you allow your nineteen or twenty year old daughter to travel two hundred miles in a lorry with a stranger?

That is my issue with this event.

Then and now, I had/have dozens of questions, all of which I am sure you yourself are asking.

However, as far as I am concerned, the question I have just asked you, is the only question that matters.

Would Amy’s dad have allowed her to travel two hundred miles in a lorry with a stranger?

Would Amy have done it?

I believe the answer is no.

I am sure I reacted better than either of them would have if the situation had been reversed. There is no doubt in my mind both of them would have been angry and offended, and that they would have made those feeling clear.

I did not make my feelings clear. Yes, I was angry. Instead of expressing that anger though, I told myself it wasn’t Amy who thought so little of me she was actually willing to put me in danger and call it a favour, it was her father.

How wrong I was, not about her fathers opinion of me, that was correct, but that she didn’t share his opinion.

“I have a lecture I can’t miss Friday morning” was all I said. I deeply regret this.

This is one time I wish I hadn’t been the better person. Maybe if I had made it clear she was never to treat me like a peasant who needed her or her father’s charity ever again she would have respected me a little bit more, and the worst thing I would have had to deal with that year, and possibly the next two years, would have been being friends with an unpleasant person.

Xenophobia

None of us knew what to say.

It was one of those rate moments in life when you can honestly apply the sayings- the silence was deafening, and you could cut the tension/atmosphere with a knife, to.

The expressions on the faces of everybody else in Johnnies room that afternoon suggested they were all struggling with the same problem, and how to approach it, as I was.

At nineteen/twenty, I had neither heard, nor seen, the word xenophobia, despite being subjected to it my entire life. Therefore, I believe these people who had never been subjected to it, didn’t understand what had just happened, even if they were aware of the word and its meaning.

Its one thing to be educated on a word that describes a type of hate, and another to experience, or even witness, it.

Our reaction raises great questions, questions that are more important today, in a society that claims to be “woke”, than it was when it happened, sixteen years ago, in a society that didn’t.

Are we educated enough on the different types of bigoted hate, and the people on the receiving end of it?

Do we understand that no form of bigoted hate is ok?

What happens when the answers to these questions are no?

To me, it seems, that at best, we get a group of people too confused and/or scared to confront a person for discriminatory hate, and unable to do in the correct way, because they have been taught the person who is carrying out the discrimination is vulnerable to the same type of hate they are inflicting on somebody else.

At worst, you get a group of people who think it is ok to hate one person for the same reason you cant hate another, and usually that group of people aren’t part of either the hated group, or the group they understand cant be hated.

To me, what Amy said- “Do you also find those two guys less hot now you know they’re Turkish?”- had seemed racist. (The two guys in question on this occasion, were the two guys who just weeks later would be in Ashani’s room when Charlie banged on the wall screaming her racist slurs about Ashani being from India.)

Now, I understand it was their nationality she had a problem with, but I still don’t understand why.

“I don’t find either of them hot, but it’s got nothing to do with them being Turkish,” I had answered.

My response only deepened the silence, and thickened the tension in the room.

What had I said wrong?

Uncomfortable, I tried to catch the eyes of anybody in the room who wasn’t Amy, desperate for a clue, but now, instead of staring at Amy, they were all looking at the floor.

Not knowing what else to do, I stood up and left, feeling terribly confused, awful about what I and Amy had said, and somehow responsible for the entire situation, even though what had set it off was the guys inviting us all to a party that night, and Amy’s comment after they left.

The heist

Part one
Possible contributing factors

Before I begin this story, I want to say that, in my opinion, unless you’re dying of starvation, or something equally as serious, you shouldn’t steal anything ever, and there really isn’t a valid reason for doing so.

Yet, I am not judging you if you have, as I obviously don’t know the circumstances around that event, and I would bet as teenagers, or under the influence of alcohol, etc, most of us probably have stolen something, and that the circumstances were probably some what similar to those in this story.

I also understand how you might end up in that situation, after all, I did. None of us are perfect, nor completely innocent creatures. We all make mistakes. We all do stupid stuff.

Stealing certainly isn’t “for me.” It is in no way who I am, or a reflection of my morals or character.

Despite wanting to explain the factors that might have contributed to this incident, I am in no way making excuses for what I did, or attempting to shift the blame to anything, or anybody, else. Ultimately, I did what I did because I made the choice to, while being fully aware it was wrong.

On the day I stole, I did not go out with the intention to steal, at no point did I make a plan to steal, I simply saw something I considered to be worth very little value financially, that I thought I should have been able to buy, and because I couldn’t, and I wanted it, I decided in the moment to take it.

This is all to say, that though I feel it is important to address the state of my life and my mental health at this time, none of it was the cause of what I did. It all just created this perfect storm during which I cared very little for either myself or life, and truly I believed I shouldn’t, which resulted in me doing something out of character.

These feelings were further fuelled by the fact that everybody else thought so little of me and my life, and had or were treating me accordingly, and to a large extent I was allowing them to treat me this way.

As all these contributing factors are either stories I have told, will tell, or am currently in the middle of telling, I will just briefly list them here (and, if I remember, add links to the full stories below, as and when I write them).

It was the summer holidays in between my first and second year of university, meaning I had spent the previous year dealing with both xenophobic and classist discrimination.

Why not be a thief if that’s what everybody believes you are?

Well, for one thing, it not only makes what were incorrect and unfair opinions of you correct and fair, if you’re caught it proves to the people who held those incorrect and unfair opinions that they were correct, therefore further harming everybody else who is unfairly effected by those untrue opinions.

More importantly, though, you should never allow hateful, bigoted, people to change who you are, especially for the worse.

Listen, I understand this second one is hard, particularly when we are upset, angry, stressed, etc. The best of us can, and will, fall down occasionally. What really matters is that we haven’t harmed anybody in the process, and that we pick ourselves back up, dust ourselves off, and resume trying to be the best version of ourselves we can be. This includes apologising if it is both necessary and appropriate, and fixing anything we have done wrong if it is possible. Be honest, and admit your mistakes. Own them. If you don’t, or can’t, you will never learn from them, or improve as a result of making them.

During this same year, I had ironically been the victim of the very thing people suspected I was, a thief. This thief had keys to my room in halls, and was allowed to entre it when ever they decided it was necessary, which somehow made me to blame for being victimised because I had stupidly assumed I could safely keep my possession in a private room I paid to occupy.

Why, then, should anybody care if I stole from a large organisation’s attraction, that I considered to be a scam?

Also, why should I face any punishment when the person who stole from me hadn’t.

Maybe you agree with this idea, but the truth is, I actually don’t. Business have to pay staff, bills, and other costs. If we all thought this way, if we all did what I did, some companies would make such a loss they would go under, while others would close down because they would no longer be profitable.

I also don’t agree that I shouldn’t have been punished, despite the reality that the punishment I received would likely have had a much greater impact on both my life then, and now, than the item was worth, as well as being much greater than the loss the organisation suffered, as a direct result of my actions, deserved. I doubt anybody ever realised the item was missing.

Theft wasn’t the only crime I had been the victim of, then blamed for, that year. There was the big one. The one I am moving towards telling you about. The one that lead to my first long BPD episode that was misdiagnosed as a nervous break down, and eventually to my first suicide attempt.

There was the fact that I had to move back home, and back in with my mum, for the summer.

Here, I would like to say I foolishly took a job in a pub that summer, which I walked to and from down isolated roads, even in the early hours of the morning, all of which contributed to the deterioration of my mental state, regardless of the fact nothing to awful happened to me. Honestly, though, I had no choice. I needed the money, after all you don’t get student loan over the summer holidays, and I was earning so little at the pub, due to a combination of my age and sexism, that I couldn’t afford taxi fares home, and my options were limited to getting a taxi or walking.

Then, there were the friends I was with that day, who they were as people, and my relationship with them.

On top of all this, I was suffering severely with a serious undiagnosed mental illness. One that causes me impulse control issues. Looking back on this incident, with the knowledge that I have this illness and the type of episodes it causes me to have, I feel strongly that on this particular day, I was in the grip of a mixed manic type and suicidal type episode.

Part two
The incident

I knew I had made a mistake on the train journey there. I hadn’t wanted to go, and I had told MK as much. More importantly, I hadn’t felt mentally well enough to go.

The best way to describe how I was feeling that entire summer is mentally unwell.

Those words sound strange, obvious, and like a colossal understatement, now I have a diagnosis which proves they were always true.

You see, mentally unwell, are words I have thought and said my entire life, while experience borderline episodes, whether short or long.

Mainly, I said them to GP’s, desperately and hysterically, while crying and “shouting”.

Their response was always that I was fine/ normal/ there was nothing wrong with me, everybody suffers from anxiety/stress/depression/etc, at times. It was delivered in a tone and/or manner that suggest I was being dramatic/wasting their time/ after attention/ trying to get out doing something I didn’t want to do.

So, whenever the feeling of being mentally unwell became overwhelming in the moment, for any reason, I would chide myself, echoing both these doctors’ words as well as their attitudes. I would tell myself I was faking feeling mentally unwell, either to get out of doing something I didn’t want to do or for attention. It never occurred to me, very likely because I am genuinely mentally ill, therefore vulnerable, particularly when it comes to abuse, use, or negligence of responsibility and duties, of people in a position of power, such as these GP’s, that this couldn’t be true, as not only did I not once attempt to use feeling mentally unwell to get out of doing anything or to gain attention, on the contrary I actually tried my best to hide the fact that I was struggling and to behave “normally”.

Whose idea it had been to go to Blackpool, I don’t know, but I am fairly certain it wasn’t MK’s, therefore I am fairly certain he had been invited and want to go, but didn’t want to risk ending up alone for the day, and this was his motivation for nagging me so aggressively and relentlessly to go with them during the days leading up to the trip.

My reason for coming to this conclusion is that the only people MK knew in the group that day was me, KK, and one other person.

The only people I knew out of the group going were MK and KK.

KK was never my friend, she was MK’s, but I liked her, and for a while I thought of her as my friend. To me, it seemed as though she considered me to be her friend too, but on reflection I understand this probably wasn’t the case.

All the other people we went with were also only loosely connected to each other. What I mean by this is that, not a single person in the group, of around twenty of us, knew the majority of the other people in our group. One person had suggested to another they should go, they both invited their own people, who invited people, who invited other people, and so on. This is strange in itself.

This is why, on arriving at the fair ground, we all split off into groups of two or three.

It was only at this point, KK explained to me that she had wanted to go, but had been scheduled to work, and though she had requested a shift swap, she didn’t think she was going to get it.

On hearing this, the sensation that had begun to build inside me on the train journey there, which was that I was trapped in a situation I didn’t want to be in, a sensation I experience a lot, began to grow into a manic energy that screamed to be released. Often, when I feel this way, I want my consciousness to leave my brain with a frantic urgency, then I begin to feel trapped inside my own brain, as though my consciousness is hysterically clawing at my flesh and bones to escape.

With this, came the rage I experience when I realise I have been used, abused, or taken advantage of, in some way.

How many times had I declined MK’s invitations?

How many times had I made it clear I didn’t want to go?

Too many, not only to count, but to not feel like I had been manipulated into going for MK’s own selfish reasons, rather than he just want me to.

Every time I had said no, I didn’t want to go, he had reasons why I should, I hadn’t been to Blackpool since I was a very young child/ I had only ever been with my parents, never my friends/ it would do me good to have some fun.

Only, I don’t find fair grounds fun, I hate them, I hate the rides, I hate the crowds of people, I hate the loud repetitive noises, I hate the music, I hate everything about them, and I had expressed as much to MK.

At first, the only two people in my group were MK and KK. This meant that not only did MK continue to nag me to take part in things I didn’t want to take part in, such as go on rides, KK joined in with the nagging.

I practically begged to wait with their things instead, but they rallied strangers, either in the queues, or running the rides, to “encourage” me to get on them. This group pressure got much worse when we were joined by another sub group form our larger group, then a second.

Now there were, if I remember correctly, eight of us in our group.

With each ride I was pressured onto, my anxiety – and with it the feeling of a building panic attack, my stress- and with it my racing thoughts, and my depression- and with it the desire to die, and blaming myself for being pathetic because I could assert myself, grew, agitating me further, until I felt as though I was suffocating inside my own body, and I desperately needed to get away from both my friends and myself.

To make the situation more unbearable, by the point we naturally came to the game stalls, I need food. It wasn’t just that I was starving, which I was. One of myself harm behaviours is eating- I am a binge eater. I imagine any other self harmer understands the compulsion and need to engage in self harm behaviours, and that is what I was feeling in the moment, the mounting, intensely painful, urge to engage in mine.

Which, as I write this, makes me wonder if what I did was an attempt at self harm, or just a desperate attempt to get out of a situation I didn’t want to be in, didn’t feel safe in, but felt trapped in. Maybe, I wanted to get caught.

Maybe, I just didn’t care if got caught. After all, when you don’t value yourself or your life, and neither does anybody else, and/or you want to die, it is hard to care about the consequences your actions have on both you and your life.

But more realistically, maybe I did it because I wanted that fucking stupid toy, and I was sick of feeling like everything and everyone was was, taking advantage of me then telling me it way my fault they had taken advantage of me, telling me a was a bad person while expecting me to be a better person than they were.

Either way, when I saw the giant my little pony toys, which were about half my height in length, that was one of the prizes, I wanted one.

Assessing the stalls, I searched for a game I thought I might be able to win, which also had the my little ponies as a prize, vocalising my intentions.

“You cant win,” MK informed me. “Those games are rigged so nobody wins.”

“He’s right,” one of the girls in our group agreed. “Everybody know they’re a scam.”

“Surely, they would be allowed to do that,” I argued.

“They do,” One of the body shrugged.

“That’s not fair,” I started to complain, stopping when I realised the majority of the stalls were unmanned, and I could see they had toys on their shelves below their counter tops.

If I remember correctly, there were three rows of stalls. None of the centre stalls were manned, and only one in every two or three of the stalls on the outside rows were. Even better, all the manned stalls were busy, so none of the staff at them were paying attention to us.

“Let’s take one,” I whispered. I wasn’t thinking about how my actions might affect the staff or business, because I was under the impression these games were rigged, therefore I was simply evening things out a bit.

“No,” MK told me forcefully. “You take one if you want one, but when you get caught, you’re not with us.”

“Fine. You’re all cowards,” I laughed, thinking about all the rides they had bullied me onto that day. Yet, they were all scared of taking a toy from a conman. As bizarre as it is, in this moment I wasn’t even angry at them. I was angry at them the entire day before, and after, and for many of the following days and weeks, but not in this moment. I wasn’t even upset that they wouldn’t “help me”. I expected to get caught. I Knew nothing about stealing. They weren’t responsible for my actions, I was.

However, here’s the thing, and I completely understand if you don’t believe me, because this is a story about me stealing, but if the roles had been reversed, I would have at least tried to talk them down. I deeply regret what I did that day, I would never do it again, and up until that point it is something I never imagined I would ever do.

The really crazy thing, though, is that I hadn’t really believed I could win a prize, even when I though the games were fair, and I would have happily lost.

Honestly, looking back, I think I was more pissed off because they had took that small bit of fun I could have enjoyed that day away from me.

And, if they had tried to help me, I reckon they would have gotten me caught.

Settling on my target stall, I walked confidently towards it, despite having no idea how I was going to execute my heist. As I did, I watched the staff, to make sure they weren’t watching me, in what I felt was a perfect imitation of my previous indecision over what game to play. When I reached my target, I kept walking. Placing my hand on its counter top, I slid it along the surface, before dropping it underneath and grabbing the tail of the first pony I felt on the shelf below. Then, when I got to the end of the stall, I pulled my hand with they toy in it over the side of the booth, where the gate to get in and out was, without missing a step, and continued the entire length of the row of stalls, before turning around and rejoining the group.

Later, they would admit that even knowing I was stealing, they never saw the actual act occur.

“It seemed like one second your hand was empty, then magically the next you were holding the pony,” the girl who had agreed with MK giggled.

When the entire group met up at the exit later, one of the men in the group had a giant, human sized fish toy. A fish toy I recognised from those game stalls.

“How the fuck did you steal that?” I asked in awe.

“I didn’t. I won it,” he had answered confused.

Part three
After thoughts

Maybe there are no shades of grey, just black and white, when it comes to stealing.

Maybe, it doesn’t matter why we stole, or who we stole from.

As stated in my introduction to today’s post, my opinion is that stealing is wrong. Yet, I wont judge anybody just because they have stolen, as context does matter to me.

Though, I would be very interested to hear your opinion.
What do you think, does
-who you stole from
-what you stole
-why you stole it
-or any other fact around the act of stealing,
matter?

You’re more than welcome to discus your thoughts in the comments.

There are, however, some factors I cant forgive when it comes to stealing.

One of these is throwing, vulnerable, ill and/or disabled people, under the bus to save yourself. By this I mean, pretending you have physical and/or mental disability and/or illness to avoid blame and/or punishment. When people do this, they fuel, if not outright create, stigma and discrimination, that those of us who genuinely do sufferer with these illness and disabilities then also have to suffer through.

It is because of what I did in today’s post, that I knew immediately, on seeing the CCTV footage, the technique that lady who stole my bag used.

Due to this technique being so well executed, as well as my half a decade, plus, experience working in retail, it is my opinion, because I obviously can’t say for certain, that neither of those ladies needed that wheelchair for illness or disability, and instead were using it fully as a tool and prop.

As a tool, the chair obstructs by standers, and security cameras, views of the crime as it happens. Then, it serves as a place to both hide and store anything they successfully manage to steal.

As a prop, its purpose is much darker.

People are less likely to confront a physically disabled person, even when they see them doing something wrong. Most people will just pretend they didn’t see it. On the rare occasion a person does confront them, they are more likely to do it discretely and in a less emotionally heated manner.

This isn’t the case for mentally ill or mentally disabled people, even when our illness or disability is obvious. In fact, more people feel both entitled to intervene, and to use aggression or force, if they suspect we are mentally ill or mentally disabled.

Here is where the use of a wheelchair gives an extra advantage that baffles me, especially because we know criminals will fake disability to aid their crimes.

If say, it was a mentally ill or mentally disabled person being confronted for stealing, and they, or a person with them, explained they were mentally ill or disabled, that would likely only encourage the person confronting them to call the police, and escalate any force or aggression they were already using.

Whereas, if the person in the wheelchair, or pushing it, claimed to be mentally ill or mentally disabled, that would likely not only deescalated the confrontation, but earn them sympathy and pity, and likely allow them to go about their day without the police even being mentioned.

This is not me saying mentally ill and mentally disabled people should be allowed to steal and/or face no consequences if they do. This is me saying this double standard baffles me.

I do wonder, as I write this, if caught, would those two ladies who stole from me, a genuinely mentally disabled person, therefore a person who is more vulnerable to crime, have claimed disability was the reason they victimised me?

And if at the time, I had known I was disabled and stated as much to discredit that excuse, which of us would have been believed, me the victim, or them the thief?

And how much of that belief or disbelief would have be due to there being a wheelchair involved?

Why are we more likely to believe and have sympathy for somebody just because they appear to be physically disabled?

And why are mentally disabled people constantly met with so much aggression, physical force, and disgust and/or distrust?

Does this conversation make you uncomfortable?

If so, good, it should.

But, it should make you feel uncomfortable for the right reasons-
It should make you question inbuilt social norms that are ignorant and ableist, that we have all been raised with, and made to believe are correct, until we are suddenly understand they are not, and why they are not, because we are on the receiving end of the ignorance and ableism.
This includes me, I was born into the same world as you, I was raised with the social norms that are discriminatory, the only difference is, I was born with the genetic predisposition to certain mental illness, and then had experiences as a child that triggered those illnesses, and because of that everything I say or do is now looked at by society through a lens of distrust and disgust.

If on the other hand anybody reading this feels offended by my observations, experiences, and opinions on disability discrimination, stigma, and inequality, around disability, not only when it comes to being disabled but the different disabilities, as a disabled person- know this, I don’t care, these people can go off and continue to be ignorant, ableist, and bigoted, and me and other disabled people will continue to talk about all these things to decent human beings who just don’t understand yet, or who just have never really had these things brought to their attention yet, etc and because of both our advocacy work, and the decent people who we encounter, the world will move on and catch up, and when it does these people will pretend they have no problem with us, and never did, just like they do for every other set of people who has ever been victimised unfairly in a similar way, so they can earn clout from complete strangers, for values they don’t really hold- but if this description fits you, you better not say anything bigoted about my disability where I can see it or hear it, because if you do I will keep those receipts, and I am happy to pull them out in the future and remind everybody who you really are.

It would serve these people well, people who now hang on to liberated minorities coattails, while talking absolute crap that they don’t realise exposes them as a bigot, to remember that at the points in time these minorities were being persecuted the popular belief was that they were awful people, that is what allowed them to be persecuted. Mental illness, and my type of mental illness, are no different. It might be popular to hate them now, but one day, hopefully soon, people will understand why persecuting us is wrong, and those people will be on the wrong side of history.

As a person with borderline personality disorder, I could blame the traits of the illness that affect me, such a lack of impulse control, for my crime in todays story, but it wouldn’t be true. In my experience BPD doesn’t make you do anything you wouldn’t do if you didn’t have it, it just takes you to your own personal extremes an awful lot, be that self harm or shouting when you’re upset, and for most of us who suffer from it, our personal extremes are the same as most people who don’t suffer from its personal extremes.

So, why should I as a disabled person who wouldn’t blame my disability for doing wrong, who understands the importance of not blaming my disability for doing wrong, allow other people who don’t have my illness, or an illness similar to it, blame our illnesses for the bad things either they themselves or other people do?

I shouldn’t. And I won’t.

That is why it is important that I tell todays story, and the context of everything that surrounded the event, then put it into perspective in regards to how it is viewed in the real world, compared to how other people doing the same thing is viewed in the real world.

And lets all be honest, if I didn’t have BPD, and I was telling this story at a party, for example, I’m sure instead of turning me into a villain, you would giggle like the girl with us that day did, and then tell me your own story, about a time you also stole something completely fucking stupid.

That time I was accused of stealing

During my time living in London, there was one occasion where I was out right accused of stealing. This was particularly upsetting, as it was not only in a very public place, and aggressively executed, to the point I feared physical violence from my accuser, but also because I overpaid for the item that I was accused of stealing.

Full disclosure, if I had stolen this item, I would confess to it here, and just to prove it, spoiler warning, I have stolen something on purpose, but only once, and I deeply regret stealing it. I regretted stealing in the same day I stole it. I knew I would never steal anything again, especially anything as stupid, and that was before this incident happened.

I do plan on telling you that story.

The following events took place at the beginning of my third year at university, I know this for a fact, for several reason, all of which I will explain in future posts, when they are relevant.

While at uni, two of my friends, Eddie, and (we’ll call her) Skylar (not her real name, but her real name is extremely unique, and this is the closest I can get to her name without exposing her, which I obviously don’t want to do, and if I don’t pick a name which is similar to her real name I will accidentally call her by her real name either during this post and/or future posts) had birthdays within, if I remember correctly, eleven days of each other. Eddie’s birthday is on Halloween, mine is the day before bonfire night, Skylar’s is, I believe, six days after mine, so we decided to have a joint birthday night out in central London, as we had mutual friends, and none of us could really afford either financially or time wise to do three nights out in eleven days.

We were in a club that seemed to consider itself lowkey classy, which was mind numbingly boring. It was one of those clubs which has a toilet attendant, and perfume and sweets set up on the sinks. Sober, thirty five year old, me shudders at the thought of food so close to toilets, however tipsy twenty two year old me did not share that disgust.

Me, Skylar, her friend Sarah, and another one of her friends, had all gone to the toilets together.

At the sinks, all four of us each threw a couple of pounds into the attendant’s jar. I did it because she was intensely starting at us. Which made me feel extremely uncomfortable. It is my assumption that the other girls did it for the same reason. However, other than being uncomfortable around this staff member, we were in good spirits, talking and laughing as we fixed out hair and make up.

Other women put money in the jar to use perfume or take sweets. The attendant did not acknowledge any of these women. She continued to glare at the four of us, a scouser, and three Essex girls, the entire time. Whether it was due to our accents I can’t say for sure, but it would be safe to guess it was, as Lucy, who was also from Essex, occasionally talked about the discrimination that came with being from Essex.

I assume their uncomfortableness at being watched in such a hostile manner is also why they left me alone, after they finished fixing their hair and make up,  before I finished fixing my own, telling me they would see me back on the dance floor.

They had literally just walked through the door, heading back into the club, when a girl right by me dropped her drink. Bits of glass and liquid sprayed across the room.

Cursing and lecturing the girl about her carelessness, the attendant bent down and began clearing up the glass. She had her back to me, however there was a set of full length mirrors right in front of her, meaning she could clearly see behind her in the mirror.

After finishing what I was doing, I took another couple of pounds out of my bag, and with my right hand, I dropped the money into her jar. At the exact same time, I took a lollypop with my left hand. There is not a possibility the attendant did not see me put money in her jar (just like other people who had taken sweets had done) if she saw me take that lollypop, which she did, because the second my hand touched that stick, meaning the second the money left my other hand, all hell broke loose.

She jumped up, actually dropping the glass she had picked up, spun around, and rushed towards me, screaming. “You thief! You dirty, stinking, little, thief!”

Then, she snatched lollypop out of my hand.

Everybody in the room turned to watch.

At first, I was shocked and afraid, because not only had I paid for the lollypop, I had tipped her for no other reason than she was staring at me and my friends in hostile manner, I was backed into a corner, with her leaning over me screaming directly into my face, and both her hand and elbow had made contact with me as she snatched the lollypop off me, then moved towards me.

This shock and fear only lasted a few seconds before hot rage swept over me. My skin was burning red and I was trembling I was so angry.

“What do you mean thief?” I shot back at her through gritted teeth, trying my best to appear and remain as calm as possible, which wasn’t easy considering the level of rage I can achieve and the fact that I was couple of drinks in. “I’ve put about six pound in your shitty jar. Is that not enough to pay for a lollypop here?”

(To put this situation into perspective, today you can still buy one of these lollypops from a corner shop for less than a pound.)

At this point, the room was so quiet the only things I could hear was the sound of my own blood pumping through my veins and my ragged breathing.

We glared at each other for several more seconds.

I though about being petty and taking the money I had given her back out of her jar.

Instead, I slide from between her and the wall, and without looking at any of the spectator, walked out of the toilets.

Announcement

The return of The Psychotic Girls Guide To Surviving The Human Apocalypse’s Blood And Chocolate posts

Please don’t ask me why, because I both know (and it’s a long story I plan to tell on my blog soon) and don’t know why, I have just reread my first ever blog post.

This blog post was published over two years ago, on Sunday the 20^th of September 2020. It was an announcement that I was planning to start a blog.

Unsurprisingly, I have not achieved any of the things that I said I wanted to do in this post, and my life has gotten worse instead of better.

Surprisingly though, I noticed that I actually had this word press account for a while before I started using it.

Both of these things lead me to the realisation that I am a doer, not a planner, so next week there will be a new Sunday autobiographical blog post. I have no idea what it will be about yet, I just know that there will be one, because I am going to force myself to write one.

I hope you will all join me on my word press account at 9pm UK time.

Love y’all,

Pix

Possibly the last blog post I will ever make

Trigger warning- detail about suicidal thoughts and sexual assault.

Hi,

I am writing this out without any forethought or any editing after, because I suppose it is simply just a journal entry, a spewing out of my current thoughts onto the internet where one day they might help someone else.

Disclaimer, I’m very mentally unwell right now so I apologise if this is rambley or confusing in anyway.

Also, I am currently still not blogging and am taking a break from social media, as I am trying to withdraw from having contact with society as much as possible so that I my illnesses can not be triggered because of how severely ill I am right now.

It’s so weird writing this and knowing that when you read this I might be speaking to you from beyond the grave. Woooooo. I’m behind you. Boo.

No, I’m not really, I’m far too busy doing Ouija board tricks for caffeinated drinks and sugary snacks, or being the cool ghost that scares the teenagers that venture into my graveyard at night.

However you can also hire me to make your walls bleed or play with your kids toys, I take payment in caffeine and sugar, thank you.

If you don’t know me already, I am Pixie Vannucci and I am classed as a severely disabled person. I am disabled by mental illness. I have co morbid borderline personality disorder, adjustment disorder, and non epileptic attack disorder. For the last couple of years I have been advocating for destigmatisation and better understanding of complex and stigmatised mental illnesses, as well as against appropriating and faking of mental illness.

Appropriating and faking of mental illness is a very big problem which comes from this untrue narrative that our society puts out that everybody suffers with and struggles with their metal health all the time and in equal ways.

In fact the entire reason that I am writing this post is to hopefully stop faking and appropriation of mental illness, or at least make people understand mental health is actually not the same as mental illness and/or disability related to mental illness.

In 2018 I lost my job because my employer refused to give me disability adjustments because, “everyone struggles with mental health, so we cant give you special treatment.”

I have since been put in disability inappropriate accommodation for the same reason. And I am going to very likely die in this disability inappropriate accommodation for the same reason.

I have stress related seizures which can be triggered by different things, but the big two are noise and visual stimulation. I have been put in a flat with noisy neighbours above me and next door to me. I have been forced to have seizures for four years because my neighbours right to be anti social is apparently greater than my right not to have seizures. If I fall during one of these seizures I could smash my head open or break my neck etc and die.

For almost the same amount of time it has been triggering my suicidal episodes. I am a two time suicide survivor and my last attempt was about three months before they moved me into this flat. A flat they knew had antisocial behaviour including lots of noise, where they knew I would need rat poison and where there are plenty of places for me to hang myself that actually don’t need to be there, and wouldn’t be there if they had given me disability appropriate accommodation.

However non of that really matters anymore as the noise is now triggering the thoughts that don’t feel like mine, which can control me. These thoughts tell me to do things such as set myself on fire, cut my throat and jump in front of lorries. I am not telling you these things to upset you or shock you. I am telling you so that you understand the seriousness of my situation.

The people who can help me wont. This is my housing association, the police, and the local council. In fact they are actually really very dangerously ablest and just threaten to have me sectioned which really wouldn’t help me, when I ask for help with moving out of this flat and making it safe for me while I wait to move. Let me be very clear on this, being sectioned because I am disabled and have no disability equality is in itself disability inequality, I should have the same rights as a physically disabled person to life a safe, free and independent life, and sectioning me because I have no equality rights as a mentally disabled person really is just going to want to make me die more, like the fact that the police can just hit me “for my own good”does. Also being in hospital is not just bad for people with bpd, being constantly surrounded by other sick people isn’t going to help me, and if they decide I am still a danger to myself so they need to watch me all the time so therefore watch me shower and shit, as someone who has survived rape and sexual assaults several times, that probably just going to cause me to come straight out of hospital and make another attempt on my life.

What I desperately need right now, right at this very moment is not just to be alone in my own flat and rest, but to have peace and quiet and know that there is no danger of my neighbours upstairs or next door making noise, and as they have been approached about the noise several times the only thing that is going to stop them is them being moved out right now.

Then I need to be moved from this flat into disability appropriate accommodation as soon as possible so that I can start to get myself well enough for therapies.

Every time my neighbours next door or upstairs make noise now even for a second that is enough to trigger one or multiple episodes straight away because of the stress living here for four years has caused me.

I am very scared, and I truly believe that I am going to die because of this flat and soon.

So, I have made a very hard decision. I have always been afraid of people seeing my dead body. I don’t know why I just have. Despite that I am giving any anti suicide or mental “health” charity, except mind because they really do push stigma and encourage people to fake and appropriate, permission to show my body if I die by suicide, seizure or accident in this flat, which I believe due to the nature of the violent suicidal urges I have will be in an awful state to show the state of my body to campaign against people who ARE NOT MENTALLY ILL OR DISABLED BY MENTAL ILLNESS appropriating and faking mental illness for any reason but especially to get them special treatment.

What I mean by this is things like time off work but also an issue that is going to contribute to my death. People who need to move home for any reason including physical disability (and listen I do believe people with physical disabilities need to be made a rehousing priority too but based on their real circumstances, real disability and real symptoms) saying they are suffering with poor mental health and are suicidal due to their housing situation WHEN THEY AREN’T. Listen, if they seriously are suicidal its fine for them to tell the truth. The purpose of this post is because I want to help the genuinely suicidal. But its not fine for them to lie to make themselves a priority.

I keep being told that there are people with physical disability who are suicidal because they need appropriate accommodation which if they are telling the truth they do need rehousing, however if they are saying this to be made a priority then its not ok because they are being made a priority not just above other physically disabled people who are telling the truth and not lying to get special treatment, but above people like me whose disability causes them to be suicidal and who have tried to take their own life in the past, that are stuck in unsuitable accommodation that is triggering their suicidal or life threatening episodes.

Society has said its fine for the well to appropriate mental illness to gain whatever they want and its not.

I’m sick of seeing this being encouraged by both people who use it for social media “clout” and mental health “campaigners” who say things like its ok to not be ok. Listen I get the sentiment they’re trying to push but as a person severely disabled by mental illness I can tell you that it is not ok to not be ok. Yes you are allowed to not be ok if you are really not ok, but it is not ok for you to not be ok. You should have access to help and support and unfortunately you wont get it because everyone who is ok is talking about how they aren’t ok and taking up resources the people who genuinely aren’t ok need to be ok, while also drowning out our voices and excluding us from the conversation around mental health, wellbeing, illness, and disability simply because we are actually ill and disabled.

People disabled by mental illness like me are not only losing our jobs because we are disabled, we are losing our lives.

I truly hope that I do come out of this alive, and I am fighting to, I promise.

But if I do die, I want my advocacy work to live on, because its never been just about me. In fact it would be easier for me to live my life keeping my disabilities a secret and fighting privately, but I chose not to do that along time ago, for all the people who have already lost their lives needlessly due to inequality, police brutality, poor medical services and faking and appropriation, and who will in the future if nobody does something to change things.

If I leave any message for the world I want it to be that misunderstanding, stigma, inequality, and faking and appropriating mental illness KILLS.

And honestly I think people have become so detached from the reality of suicide, I mean we cant even say the word on social media, let alone talk about its causes and effects, that they no longer understand it’s a real thing unless they have actually been personally touched by it. People have to find their loved ones bodies in terrible states after suicide and those of us who know what its truly like to be suicidal often attempt suicide in places and ways where our loved ones will never have to see us afterwards.

I think the world is full of compassionateless selfish people who are well and know they are well but just love the benefits saying they are stressed, anxious and even suicidal gets them.

And I think they need to see the reality of their actions.

I think they need to see the reality of what a body looks like after someone takes their own live, someone who asked for help because they were genuinely mentally ill and got told they couldn’t have special treatment because a well person was saying they felt suicidal to jump a queue or get time off work etc. Because it is not special treatment if we need it to help us manage or survive our disability. Saying it is, is like saying people who get to use wheel chairs are getting special treatment because you get tired walking and therefore demanding a wheel chair when there is nothing wrong with you and leaving an immobile person to literally starve to death in their own home because you took the last wheelchair.

You can see the evidence that I have managed to get of the noise nuisance, some of which I have already submitted and/or tried to submit to my landlord but have been told “its not good enough because Im filming it on my phone” but which a couple of random strangers have been able to name songs from, on youtube so it cant be that bad, but guess what if it is and they know that the cause of that is in fact my mobile phone there is a volume button on their computer that they can use to off set the lowness of the recording because its being recorded on a phone which they clearly know gives a lower recording than other devices made specifically to record.

Other than that I will be fighting my battle privately now until one of three things happens, they move me, they move my neighbours for my safety, or I lose my battle with my several disabilities.

I hope to write again in the future. I hope to see you all and talk to you in the future. But please know if I don’t that your support meant a lot to me. And there are still people out there like me who need it desperately.

Pix x

P.S- If I survive this and you are a mental illness or suicide prevention charity please get in touch with me. I have been in and out of out patient and in patient care for my mental health since I was 14 or 15, thats 20 years, and I know other people in the same situation, I can tell you exactly what is wrong with our mental health systems/s. I can also tell you exactly what is wrong with our disability rights towards the mentally ill when it comes to housing and work etc. And I can tell you all about the stigma and disinformation, and lack of education that also leads to unnecessary suffering and death.

It is time we helped increase the volume of the voices of those who truly suffer with mental illness and disability caused by mental illness above those who don’t as we can not only bring about real and meaningful changes for the mentally ill and disabled but those who truly are also suffering with mental health and well being issues.

Announcement

Hey guys,

Quick unplanned announcement.

I will be taking a few weeks off writing to work on some personal issues I have been dealing with. These issues have been either buzzing away in the back ground of my life for a few months or have been my life for a few years now and its time to address them.

Hopefully once I have addressed them I will be able to spend more time on writing.

I appreciate your continued love and support.

Pix

Alternative word you could use instead of the word…

Plane

As a noun

Specifically meaning an airborne object or bird

Aeroplane

Aerospace plane

Aircraft

Air cushion

Airframe

Airliner

Airplane

Airship

Air taxi

Air vehicle

Amphibian

Bomber

Biplane

Fighter

Freighter

Glider

Jet

Jetliner

Jump jet

Light plane

Seaplane

Sail plain

Shape

Supergiant

Supersonic

Supersonic transport

Tanker

Tiltrotor

Torpedo bomber

Tow plane

Tractor

Transport

Try jet

Trimotor

Triplane

Turbojet

Turboprop

Warplane

Alternative dialogue word you could use instead of the word…

Plane

As a noun

Specifically meaning an airborne object or bird

Aeroplane

Aerospace plane

Aircraft

Air cushion

Airframe

Airliner

Airplane

Airship

Air taxi

Air vehicle

Amphibian

Bomber

Biplane

Fighter

Freighter

Glider

Jet

Jetliner

Jump jet

Light plane

Seaplane

Sail plain

Shape

Supergiant

Supersonic

Supersonic transport

Tanker

Tiltrotor

Torpedo bomber

Tow plane

Tractor

Transport

Try jet

Trimotor

Triplane

Turbojet

Turboprop

Warplane

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Plane

As an adjective

Specifically meaning a surface without bends or irregularities

Aligned

Alined

Even

Exact

Flat

Flush

Horizontal

Level

Plumb

Regular

Smooth

Straight

True

Tabular

Uniform

Vertical

Alternative dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Plane

As an adjective

Specifically meaning a surface without bends or irregularities

Aligned

Alined

Even

Exact

Flat

Flush

Horizontal

Level

Plumb

Regular

Smooth

Straight

True

Tabular

Uniform

Vertical

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Plane

As an adjective

Specifically to mean level

Even

Flat

Flush

Regular

Smooth

Alternative dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Plane

As an adjective

Specifically to mean level

Even

Flat

Flush

Regular

Smooth

Alternative dialogue words you can use instead of the word…

Plain

As a noun

Exhaustive

Amplitude

Bottom

Bottomland

Compass

Depth

Distance

Domain

Emptiness

Expanse

Expansion

Extent

Extension

Field

Flat

Floodplain

Grassland

Heath

Immensity

Latitude

Lea

Length

Ley

Lowland

Magnitude

Meadow

Moor

Prairie

Range

Reach

Savanna

Savannah

Scope

Sheet

Span

Spectrum

Sphere

Spread

Steppe

Sweeping

Territory

Tundra

Void

Waste

Alternative words you can use instead of the word…

Plain

As a noun

Exhaustive

Amplitude

Bottom

Bottomland

Compass

Depth

Distance

Domain

Emptiness

Expanse

Expansion

Extent

Extension

Field

Flat

Floodplain

Grassland

Heath

Immensity

Latitude

Lea

Length

Ley

Lowland

Magnitude

Meadow

Moor

Prairie

Range

Reach

Savanna

Savannah

Scope

Sheet

Span

Spectrum

Sphere

Spread

Steppe

Sweeping

Territory

Tundra

Void

Waste

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Plain

As a noun

Specifically to mean broad, treeless County

Bottom

Bottom land

Field

Flat

Floodplain

Grassland

Heath

Lea

Lay

Lowland

Meadow

Moor

Prairie

Savanna

Savannah

Steepe

Tundra

Alternative dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Plain

As a noun

Specifically to mean broad, treeless County

Bottom

Bottom land

Field

Flat

Floodplain

Grassland

Heath

Lea

Lay

Lowland

Meadow

Moor

Prairie

Savanna

Savannah

Steepe

Tundra

Alternative dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Plain

As a noun

Specifically to mean wide open space or area

Amplitude

Breadth

Compass

Depth

Distance

Domain

Emptiness

Expanse

Expansion

Extent

Extension

Field

Immensity

Latitude

Length

Magnitude

Range

Reach

Scope

Sheet

Span

Spectrum

Sphere

Spread

Sweep

Territory

Void

Waste

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Plain

As an adverb

Abruptly

Artlessly

Baldly

Bluffy

Bluntly

Brusquely

Candidly

Curtly

Directly

Earnestly

Forthrightly

Frankley

Gruffly

Honestly

Impolitely

Inconsiderately

Open heartedly

Openly

Plainly

Point blank

Rudely

Sharply

Simply

Sincerely

Straight

Straightforward

Straightforwardly

Straightforwards

Tactlessly

Truthful

Truthfully

Unguardedly

unreservedly

Veraciously

Alternative dialogue word you could use instead of the word…

Plain

As an adverb

Abruptly

Artlessly

Baldly

Bluffy

Bluntly

Brusquely

Candidly

Curtly

Directly

Earnestly

Forthrightly

Frankley

Gruffly

Honestly

Impolitely

Inconsiderately

Open heartedly

Openly

Plainly

Point blank

Rudely

Sharply

Simply

Sincerely

Straight

Straightforward

Straightforwardly

Straightforwards

Tactlessly

Truthful

Truthfully

Unguardedly

unreservedly

Veraciously

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Plain

As an adjective

Exhaustive

Above board

Abrupt

Absolute

Antiseptic

Apparent

Appreciable

Artless

Audible

Au natural

Austere

Bald

Bare

Barefaced

Black and white

Bleak

Bluff

Bluffy

Blunt

Bluntly

Bright

Broad

Brusk

Brusque

Brusquely

Candy

Candidly

Clarified

Clean

Clean out

Clear

Clear out

Cognizable

Cognoscrible

Comprehensible

Concentrated

Conservative

Crusty

Crystal clear

Curt

Curtly

Decided

Decipherable

Definite

Denuded

Digestible

Discernible

Distinct

Divested

Distinct

Earnest

Earnestly

Earthly

Evident

Explicit

Fair

Fathomable

Filtered

Fine

Forthright

Forthrightly

Foursquare

Frankley

Free heartedly

Free spoken

Fresh

Full bodied

Guileless

Graspable

Gruff

Gruffy

Homely

Honestly

Impertinent

Impolite

Impolitely

Inconsiderate

Inconsiderately

Inconspicuous

Ingenious

Innocent

Intelligible

Knowledgeable

Legible

Lucid

Luculent

Luminous

Manifest

Modest

Muted

Naive

Naked

Natural

Neat

Non ambiguous

Obvious

Open

Opening and shoot

Open heartedly

Openly

Out front

Outspoken

Overt

Palpable

Patent

Pellucid

Perceptible

Perspicuous

Plainspoken

Plain vanilla

Point blank

Pure

Purified

Quiet

Readable

Real

Recognisable

Refine

Rendered

Ringing

Rude

Rudely

Self evident

Self explanatory

Sensible

Severe

Sharp

Simple

Sincere

Sober

Spartan

Stark

Straight

Straightforward

Straightforwardly

Straightforward

Stripped

Strong

Subdued

Tactless

Taintless

Talking turkey

Tangible

Thoughtless

Toned

Toned down

Transparent

Trenchant

Tried

True

Truthful

Truly

Unadorned

Unadulterated

Unaffected

Unalloyed

Unambiguous

Unambivalent

Uncivil

Uncombined

Uncomplicated

Uncontaminated

Uncorrupt

Undecorated

Undefiled

Understated

Undesigned

Undisguised

Undiluted

Undiplomatic

Unembellished

Unequivocal

Ungracious

Unguarded

Unguardedly

Uninhibited

Unmannerly

Unmistakable

Unobtrusive

Unornamented

Unpolluted

Unpretending

Unpretentious

Unreserved

Unreservedly

Unrestrained

Unsophisticated

Unsuitable

Untainted

Unvarnished

Veracious

Visible

Vocal

Vociferous

Well defined

Alternative dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Plain

As an adjective

Exhaustive

Above board

Abrupt

Absolute

Antiseptic

Apparent

Appreciable

Artless

Audible

Au natural

Austere

Bald

Bare

Barefaced

Black and white

Bleak

Bluff

Bluffy

Blunt

Bluntly

Bright

Broad

Brusk

Brusque

Brusquely

Candy

Candidly

Clarified

Clean

Clean out

Clear

Clear out

Cognizable

Cognoscrible

Comprehensible

Concentrated

Conservative

Crusty

Crystal clear

Curt

Curtly

Decided

Decipherable

Definite

Denuded

Digestible

Discernible

Distinct

Divested

Distinct

Earnest

Earnestly

Earthly

Evident

Explicit

Fair

Fathomable

Filtered

Fine

Forthright

Forthrightly

Foursquare

Frankley

Free heartedly

Free spoken

Fresh

Full bodied

Guileless

Graspable

Gruff

Gruffy

Homely

Honestly

Impertinent

Impolite

Impolitely

Inconsiderate

Inconsiderately

Inconspicuous

Ingenious

Innocent

Intelligible

Knowledgeable

Legible

Lucid

Luculent

Luminous

Manifest

Modest

Muted

Naive

Naked

Natural

Neat

Non ambiguous

Obvious

Open

Opening and shoot

Open heartedly

Openly

Out front

Outspoken

Overt

Palpable

Patent

Pellucid

Perceptible

Perspicuous

Plainspoken

Plain vanilla

Point blank

Pure

Purified

Quiet

Readable

Real

Recognisable

Refine

Rendered

Ringing

Rude

Rudely

Self evident

Self explanatory

Sensible

Severe

Sharp

Simple

Sincere

Sober

Spartan

Stark

Straight

Straightforward

Straightforwardly

Straightforward

Stripped

Strong

Subdued

Tactless

Taintless

Talking turkey

Tangible

Thoughtless

Toned

Toned down

Transparent

Trenchant

Tried

True

Truthful

Truly

Unadorned

Unadulterated

Unaffected

Unalloyed

Unambiguous

Unambivalent

Uncivil

Uncombined

Uncomplicated

Uncontaminated

Uncorrupt

Undecorated

Undefiled

Understated

Undesigned

Undisguised

Undiluted

Undiplomatic

Unembellished

Unequivocal

Ungracious

Unguarded

Unguardedly

Uninhibited

Unmannerly

Unmistakable

Unobtrusive

Unornamented

Unpolluted

Unpretending

Unpretentious

Unreserved

Unreservedly

Unrestrained

Unsophisticated

Unsuitable

Untainted

Unvarnished

Veracious

Visible

Vocal

Vociferous

Well defined

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Plain

As an adjective

Exhaustive

Above board

Abrupt

Absolute

Antiseptic

Apparent

Appreciable

Artless

Audible

Au natural

Austere

Bald

Bare

Barefaced

Black and white

Bleak

Bluff

Bluffy

Blunt

Bluntly

Bright

Broad

Brusk

Brusque

Brusquely

Candy

Candidly

Clarified

Clean

Clean out

Clear

Clear out

Cognizable

Cognoscrible

Comprehensible

Concentrated

Conservative

Crusty

Crystal clear

Curt

Curtly

Decided

Decipherable

Definite

Denuded

Digestible

Discernible

Distinct

Divested

Distinct

Earnest

Earnestly

Earthly

Evident

Explicit

Fair

Fathomable

Filtered

Fine

Forthright

Forthrightly

Foursquare

Frankley

Free heartedly

Free spoken

Fresh

Full bodied

Guileless

Graspable

Gruff

Gruffy

Homely

Honestly

Impertinent

Impolite

Impolitely

Inconsiderate

Inconsiderately

Inconspicuous

Ingenious

Innocent

Intelligible

Knowledgeable

Legible

Lucid

Luculent

Luminous

Manifest

Modest

Muted

Naive

Naked

Natural

Neat

Non ambiguous

Obvious

Open

Opening and shoot

Open heartedly

Openly

Out front

Outspoken

Overt

Palpable

Patent

Pellucid

Perceptible

Perspicuous

Plainspoken

Plain vanilla

Point blank

Pure

Purified

Quiet

Readable

Real

Recognisable

Refine

Rendered

Ringing

Rude

Rudely

Self evident

Self explanatory

Sensible

Severe

Sharp

Simple

Sincere

Sober

Spartan

Stark

Straight

Straightforward

Straightforwardly

Straightforward

Stripped

Strong

Subdued

Tactless

Taintless

Talking turkey

Tangible

Thoughtless

Toned

Toned down

Transparent

Trenchant

Tried

True

Truthful

Truly

Unadorned

Unadulterated

Unaffected

Unalloyed

Unambiguous

Unambivalent

Uncivil

Uncombined

Uncomplicated

Uncontaminated

Uncorrupt

Undecorated

Undefiled

Understated

Undesigned

Undisguised

Undiluted

Undiplomatic

Unembellished

Unequivocal

Ungracious

Unguarded

Unguardedly

Uninhibited

Unmannerly

Unmistakable

Unobtrusive

Unornamented

Unpolluted

Unpretending

Unpretentious

Unreserved

Unreservedly

Unrestrained

Unsophisticated

Unsuitable

Untainted

Unvarnished

Veracious

Visible

Vocal

Vociferous

Well defined

Alternative dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Plain

As an Adjective

Specifically meaning clear, firm, honest, straight, to the point of communication

Aboveboard

Abrupt

Artless

Bluff

Blunt

Brusk

Brusque

Candid

Crusty

Curt

Direct

Ernest

Forthcoming

Forthright

Foursquare

Frank

Free hearted

Freespoken

Guileless

Gruff

Honest

Impertinent

Impolite

Inconsiderate

Ingenious

Innocent

Naive

Natural

Open

Openhearted

Out front

Outspoken

Plainspoken

Point blank

Real

Rude

Sharp

Sincere

Straight

Straightforward

Tactless

Thoughtless

True

Truthful

Unaffected

Uncivil

Undesigned

Undiplomatic

Ungracious

Unguarded

Uninhibited

Unmannerly

Unpretending

Unpretentious

Unreserved

Unrestrained

Unsuitable

veracious

Vocal

Vociferous

Alternative word you could use instead of the word…

Plain

As an adjective

Specifically meaning free from additions, additives, and/or embellishments

Absolute

Antiseptic

Au natural

Austere

Bald

Bare

Bleak

Clarified

Clean

Concentrated

Conservative

Denuded

Divested

Earthly

Elemental

Filtered

Fine

Forthright

Fresh

Full bodied

Homely

Honest

Inconspicuous

Modest

Muted

Naked

Natural

Neat

Plain vanilla

Pure

Purified

Quiet

Refined

Rendered

Severe

Simple

Sober

Spartan

Stark

Straight

Stripped

Strong

Subdued

Taintless

Toned

Toned down

Tried

Unadorned

Unadulterated

Unalloyed

Uncombined

Uncontaminated

Uncorrupt

Undecorated

Undefiled

Understated

Undiluted

Unembellished

Unobtrusive

Ornamented

Unpolluted

Unpretentious

Unsophisticated

Untainted

Varnished

Alternative dialogue word you could use instead of the word…

Plain

As an adjective

Specifically meaning free from additions, additives, and/or embellishments

Absolute

Antiseptic

Au natural

Austere

Bald

Bare

Bleak

Clarified

Clean

Concentrated

Conservative

Denuded

Divested

Earthly

Elemental

Filtered

Fine

Forthright

Fresh

Full bodied

Homely

Honest

Inconspicuous

Modest

Muted

Naked

Natural

Neat

Plain vanilla

Pure

Purified

Quiet

Refined

Rendered

Severe

Simple

Sober

Spartan

Stark

Straight

Stripped

Strong

Subdued

Taintless

Toned

Toned down

Tried

Unadorned

Unadulterated

Unalloyed

Uncombined

Uncontaminated

Uncorrupt

Undecorated

Undefiled

Understated

Undiluted

Unembellished

Unobtrusive

Ornamented

Unpolluted

Unpretentious

Unsophisticated

Untainted

Varnished

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Plain

As an adjective

Specifically meaning clear and/or obvious

Apparent

Appreciable

Audible

Bald

Bald faced

Bare faced

Black and white

Bright line

Broad

Cognisable

Cognisable

Clean

Clean out

Clear

Clear out

Comprehendible

Comprehensible

Crystal clear

Decided

Decipherable

Definite

Digestible

Discernible

Distinct

Evident

Explicit

Fair

Fathomable

Graspable

Intelligible

Knowable

Legible

Lucid

Luculent

Luminous

Manifest

Non ambiguous

Obvious

Open

Opening and shut

Overt

Palpable

Patent

Pellucid

readable

Recognisable

Ringing

Self evident

Self explanatory

Sensible

Simple

Talking turkey

Tangible

Tidy

Transparent

Trenchant

Unambiguous

Unambivalent

Uncomplicated

Understandable

Undisguised

Unequivocal

Unmistakable

Visible

Well defined

Alternative dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Plain

As an adjective

Specifically meaning clear and/or obvious

Apparent

Appreciable

Audible

Bald

Bald faced

Bare faced

Black and white

Bright line

Broad

Cognisable

Cognisable

Clean

Clean out

Clear

Clear out

Comprehendible

Comprehensible

Crystal clear

Decided

Decipherable

Definite

Digestible

Discernible

Distinct

Evident

Explicit

Fair

Fathomable

Graspable

Intelligible

Knowable

Legible

Lucid

Luculent

Luminous

Manifest

Non ambiguous

Obvious

Open

Opening and shut

Overt

Palpable

Patent

Pellucid

readable

Recognisable

Ringing

Self evident

Self explanatory

Sensible

Simple

Talking turkey

Tangible

Tidy

Transparent

Trenchant

Unambiguous

Unambivalent

Uncomplicated

Understandable

Undisguised

Unequivocal

Unmistakable

Visible

Well defined

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Plain

As an adjective

Specifically meaning clear, straight to the point.

Aboveboard

Abrupt

Artless

Bluff

Blunt

Brusk

Brusque

Candid

Curt

Direct

Ernest

Forthright

Foursquare

Frank

Freespoken

Gruff

Honest

Impolite

Inconsiderate

Open

Openhearted

Outspoken

Plainspoken

Pointblank

Rude

Sharp

Sincere

Straight

Straightforward

Tactless

True

Truthful

Undiplomatic

Guarded

Uninhibited

Unreserved

Unrestrained

Veracious

Alternative dialogue word you could use instead of the word…

Plain

As an adjective

Specifically meaning clear, straight to the point.

Aboveboard

Abrupt

Artless

Bluff

Blunt

Brusk

Brusque

Candid

Curt

Direct

Ernest

Forthright

Foursquare

Frank

Freespoken

Gruff

Honest

Impolite

Inconsiderate

Open

Openhearted

Outspoken

Plainspoken

Pointblank

Rude

Sharp

Sincere

Straight

Straightforward

Tactless

True

Truthful

Undiplomatic

Guarded

Uninhibited

Unreserved

Unrestrained

Veracious

Alternative words you could use instead of the the word…

Plain

As an adjective

Specifically meaning honest expression

Abrupt

Artless

Bluff

Blunt

Brusk

Brusque

Candid

Crusty

Curt

Direct

Ernest

Forthcoming

Forthright

Foursquare

Frank

Free hearted

Free spoken

Guileless

Gruff

Honest

Impertinent

Impolite

Inconsiderate

Ingenious

Innocent

Naive

Natural

Open

Openhearted

Out front

Outspoken

Plainspoken

Real

Rude

Sharp

Sincere

Straightforward

Tactless

Unaffected

Uncivil

Indesigning

Undiplomatic

Ungracious

Unguarded

Uninhabited

Unmannerly

Unpretending

Unpretentious

Unreserved

Unrestrained

Unsuitable

Vocal

Vociferous

Alternative dialogues words you could use instead of the the word…

Plain

As an adjective

Specifically meaning honest expression

Abrupt

Artless

Bluff

Blunt

Brusk

Brusque

Candid

Crusty

Curt

Direct

Ernest

Forthcoming

Forthright

Foursquare

Frank

Free hearted

Free spoken

Guileless

Gruff

Honest

Impertinent

Impolite

Inconsiderate

Ingenious

Innocent

Naive

Natural

Open

Openhearted

Out front

Outspoken

Plainspoken

Real

Rude

Sharp

Sincere

Straightforward

Tactless

Unaffected

Uncivil

Indesigning

Undiplomatic

Ungracious

Unguarded

Uninhabited

Unmannerly

Unpretending

Unpretentious

Unreserved

Unrestrained

Unsuitable

Vocal

Vociferous

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Plain

As an Adjective

Specifically meaning free from additions, or embellishments

Antiseptic

Oh Naturelle

Austere

Bald

Bare

Bleak

Clean

Conservative

Denuded

Divested

Earthly

Elemental

Forthright

Homely

Honest

inconspicuous

Modest

Muted

Naked

Natural

Plain vanilla

Quiet

Severe

Simple

Sober

Spartan

Stark

Stripped

Subdued

Toned

Toned down

Unadorned

Undecorated

Understated

Unembellished

unobtrusive

Unornamented

Unpretentious

Unsophisticated

Unvarnished

Alternative dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Plain

As an Adjective

Specifically meaning free from additions, or embellishments

Antiseptic

Oh Naturelle

Austere

Bald

Bare

Bleak

Clean

Conservative

Denuded

Divested

Earthly

Elemental

Forthright

Homely

Honest

inconspicuous

Modest

Muted

Naked

Natural

Plain vanilla

Quiet

Severe

Simple

Sober

Spartan

Stark

Stripped

Subdued

Toned

Toned down

Unadorned

Undecorated

Understated

Unembellished

unobtrusive

Unornamented

Unpretentious

Unsophisticated

Unvarnished

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Plain

As an adjective

Specifically meaning from additions and additives…

Or pure.

Absolute

Clarified

Concentrated

Filtered

Fine

Fresh

Full bodied

Neat

Pure

Purified

Refined

Rendered

Straight

Strong

Taintless

Tried

unadulterated

Unalloyed

Uncombined

Uncontaminated

Uncorrupt

Undefiled

Undiluted

Unpolluted

Untainted

Alternative dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Plain

As an adjective

Specifically meaning from additions and additives…

Or pure.

Absolute

Clarified

Concentrated

Filtered

Fine

Fresh

Full bodied

Neat

Pure

Purified

Refined

Rendered

Straight

Strong

Taintless

Tried

unadulterated

Unalloyed

Uncombined

Uncontaminated

Uncorrupt

Undefiled

Undiluted

Unpolluted

Untainted

Alternative dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Angering

Abrasive

Affronted

Affronting

Aggravating

Annoyed

Annoying

Antagonising

Bitting

Bitter

Bothersome

Brattish

Bratty

Burdensome

Burning

Burning up

Carking

chafed

Choleric

Convulsed

Cross

Crossing

Discomfort

Displeased

Displeasing

Disquieting

Distressing

Disturbing

Embittering

Enflaming

Enraging

Envenoming

Exacerbating

Exasperated

Exasperating

Ferocious

Fierce

fiery

Frustrating

Fuming

Furious

Galled

Galling

Getting ones goat

Grating

Hateful

Heated

Hot

Huffing

Huffy

Ill tempered

Impassioned

Importunate

Importuned

Incensed

Inconveniencing

Indignant

Inflamed

Inflaming

Infuriated

Infuriating

Irascible

Irate

Ireful

Irritable

Irritating

Irking

Irksome

Jangling

Jarring

maddened

Maddening

Madding

Miffing

Mischievous

Nettled

Nettlesome

Offended

Offending

Offensive

Outraged

Outraging

Peeving

Pesky

Pestiferous

Pestilent

Pestilential

Pesty

Piqued

Pissed

Pissed off

plaguey

Provoked

Put out

Raging

Rankling

Rebarbative

Resentful

Riled

Riling

Roiling

Rubbing the wrong way

Ruffling

Sore

Splenetic

Storming

Sullen

Sulky

Thorny

Ticking off

Tiresome

Troubling

Trying

Upset

Uptight

Vexatious

Vexed

Vexing

Worrisome

Wrathful

Alternative words you could use instead of the word…

Angering

Abrasive

Affronted

Affronting

Aggravating

Annoyed

Annoying

Antagonising

Bitting

Bitter

Bothersome

Brattish

Bratty

Burdensome

Burning

Burning up

Carking

chafed

Choleric

Convulsed

Cross

Crossing

Discomfort

Displeased

Displeasing

Disquieting

Distressing

Disturbing

Embittering

Enflaming

Enraging

Envenoming

Exacerbating

Exasperated

Exasperating

Ferocious

Fierce

fiery

Frustrating

Fuming

Furious

Galled

Galling

Getting ones goat

Grating

Hateful

Heated

Hot

Huffing

Huffy

Ill tempered

Impassioned

Importunate

Importuned

Incensed

Inconveniencing

Indignant

Inflamed

Inflaming

Infuriated

Infuriating

Irascible

Irate

Ireful

Irritable

Irritating

Irking

Irksome

Jangling

Jarring

maddened

Maddening

Madding

Miffing

Mischievous

Nettled

Nettlesome

Offended

Offending

Offensive

Outraged

Outraging

Peeving

Pesky

Pestiferous

Pestilent

Pestilential

Pesty

Piqued

Pissed

Pissed off

plaguey

Provoked

Put out

Raging

Rankling

Rebarbative

Resentful

Riled

Riling

Roiling

Rubbing the wrong way

Ruffling

Sore

Splenetic

Storming

Sullen

Sulky

Thorny

Ticking off

Tiresome

Troubling

Trying

Upset

Uptight

Vexatious

Vexed

Vexing

Worrisome

Wrathful

Dictionary Corner

Plane

The word plain is an adjective, a noun, and a verb.

As an adjective

As an adjective of the word plane means,

-Completely level

-Completely flat

As a noun

As a noun the word plane means,

-A flat surface on which a straight line joining any two points would wholly lie.

-A level of existence

-A level of thought

-A level of development

As a verb

As a verb the word plane means,

(Of a bird or airborne object)

-Soar without moving the wings

-Glide

Dictionary Corner

Plain

The word plain is an adjective, an adverb, and a noun

As an adjective

As an adjective the word plain means,

-Not decorated

-Not elaborate

-Simple

-Simple in character

-Basic

-Basic in character

-Without a pattern

-In only one colour

-Bearing no indication to its contents

-Bearing no indication as to its affiliation

-Having no pretensions

-Not remarkable

-Not special

-Easy to perceive

-Easy to understand

-Clear

-Not using concealment

-Not using deception

-Frank

-Sheer

(Of paper)

-Without lines

(Of a person)

-Without special title

-Without status

-Not beautiful

-Not attractive

(Of written or spoken usage)

-Clearly expressed

-Without the use of technical terms

-Without the use of abstruse terms

(Of knitting)

-A type of stitch produced by putting the needle through the stitch from left to right.

As an adverb

As an adverb, the word plain means,

-Clearly

-Unequivocally

And can be used for,

-Emphasis.

As a noun

As a noun the word plain means,

-A large flat area of land with few trees.

Dictionary Corner

Angering

The word angering is a verb.

It means,

– to fill with anger

– to fill someone with anger

– provoke anger in.

Commonly Confused Words

Plain and Plane

The words plain and plane are homophones. This means that they sound the same, but have different meanings.

Though both can be used to describe flat surfaces, they still don’t mean exactly the same thing when used in this way, as plain is used to describe geography, and plane is used to describe geometry.

This is the most common usage for the word plane. However it can also be used to mean glide.

The most common use of the word plain, is to be common, obvious, simple, or uncomplicated.

Rules to remember which to use in a sentence

I really struggled to find an overall rule for these words, and actually could only find one rule at all, so unfortunately, I have had to think of different rules for the different uses.

1. If you’re describing gliding, it’s plane you should use, as in aeroplane which also ends in the word plane.

2. If you’re trying to describe, or are referring to, a flat surface, and you don’t know which to use, think of this rhyme-

The train, rides across the plain.

Ask yourself – can the train, ride across the plain?

Or rather-

Is it land?

If the answer is yes it’s land, it’s plain you should use, which ends in the letters ain, as does the word plain.

If the answer is no, it’s not land, it’s plane you should use.

3. Otherwise (meaning, you are not describing gliding or a flat surface) it’s likely plain you should use. Unless you are referring to a level of existence, development or thought.

Writing Overview

Blog posts done

Week starting

Monday, 18 April 2022

-Sunday autobiographical X1

-Saturday post X 1

-Writing journals X2

-Writing schedules X2

-Writing overviews X2

-(Indecipherable X2)

-Monthly overview for hours X 1

-Monthly overview for blog posts X1

-Dictionary corners X4

-Commonly confused words X2

-Alternative words x16

-Running journal X 1

-Running schedule X 1

-Running overview X 1

-Monthly running overview X 1

-Running plan X 1

-Fabrics X3

Writing Overview

Hours

Owed= O

Planed =15

Total hours to do =15

Extra hours done= 13 hours 31 minutes

Total hours done =28 hours 31 minutes

Writing Schedule

Week starting

Monday, 18 April 2022

Schedule planned

Monday – 3 hours

Tuesday – 3 hours

Wednesday – 3 hours

They say – 3 hours

Friday – 3 hours

Saturday – rest day

Sunday – rest day

Done

Monday – 5 hours 30 minutes

Tuesday – 2 hours 48 minutes

Wednesday – 3 hours

Thursday – 1 hour 40 minutes

Friday – 5 hours

Saturday – 5 hours 9 minutes

Sunday – 6 hours 20 minutes

Writing Journal

Monday, 18 April 2022

On Monday morning, I can’t sleep so I try to write.

I complete 2 hours 40 minutes of emotional rambling, then comment that I think I might be having an episode, and I can’t believe I even managed to do what I have done, as I am completely out of it on both Co-Codamol – because of my messed up shoulder back and side, and antipsychotics. Also, my eyes hurt so bad I couldn’t see properly.

However, when I still can’t sleep, I do another 2 hours and 50 minutes of writing.

5 hours 30 minutes total writing.

Tuesday, 19 April 2022

2 hours 48 minutes writing.

Wednesday, 20th April 2022

3 hours writing done.

Finished
1X Sunday autobiographical blog post
1X Saturday post

Thursday, 21 April 2022

1 hour 27 minutes
17 minutes

Total writing Done 1 hour 44 minutes

Friday, 22 April 2022

4 hours writing

Saturday, 23 April 2022

On Sunday morning when I can’t sleep I do one hour writing.

Then I tried to sleep.

Do you another 39 minutes of writing before managing to sleep.

When I wake up I do 1 hour 25 minutes of writing.

Then later I do 2 hours five minutes.

Total time spent writing was 5 hours 9 minutes.

Sunday, 24 April 2022

Sunday morning while I can’t sleep, I do 1 hour 54 minutes writing

During Sunday daytime, I keep forgetting to set my timer, but I do record intervals of 1 hour
2 hours 26 minutes
1 hour

Total recording time writing was 6 hours 20 minutes

I complete
– 2X writing journals
– 2X writing schedules
– 2X writing overviews
– 2X indecipherable
– 1X monthly overview for hours
– 1X overview for monthly blog posts completed
– 1X monthly writing plan
–4X dictionary corner
–2X commonly confused words
–16 X alternative words
–1X Morning Journal
–1X running schedule
–1X running overview
–1X monthly overview
–1X monthly running plan
–3X fabric

Suspicious mind

Who the second, third, and fourth victim of the Smith’s toy store thief was, I don’t recall, other than one of them was Meera, but I do remember who the first victim was, not his name, but him. He was an utterly obnoxious six former, who refused to eat anything but beans on toast for breakfast, yet complained he didn’t have enough time to get ready in the morning, which was his excuse for being late every day, even though his mum drove him. He looked down on us all, due to his opinion that we weren’t as smart or as accomplished as him, even though he was still living with his parents, he had never had a job before, and he was literally a schoolboy, as well as being so dim he badmouthed us all to each other, including me, Meera, Michael and Alex, the tightest friend group in the store. Obviously, we immediately told each other what he said.

If I could bring myself to believe the only reason I remember that he was the first victim of the thief was his tantrum, and the aftermath, that would be great…

To say he lost it wouldn’t touch the edges of the event. This child in a huge man’s body (he was at least four times the size of me) tore apart the staff room that evening. That’s where we were having to leave our coats and bags, unattended for the majority of the day, in a pile on the table in the corner, because the staff lockers hadn’t arrived and wouldn’t for a few more weeks. Screaming about being robbed, he picked up other peoples coats and bags and began throwing them around, before picking up a couple of chairs and smashing them into pieces against the wall. It was home time, so the staff room was full, almost all of us were there, when his tantrum began. We all froze. Then one of the women, pulled the other woman around her towards the door. Even the men cowered. That is, until he tried to pick up the table the coats had been on, and several of the men sprung into action, all of them around my age, or slightly younger, I was twenty one, restraining him until he calmed down.

Afterwards he looked embarrassed, but I couldn’t work out if he was embarrassed that he lost it in front of us mere mortals, or if he was ashamed one of the stupid people had bested him.

… The truth is though, that I was terribly afraid.

Not of him.

But, of these people who I considered to be my friends.

Though this event took place prior to the incident with the damaged bra and the robotic, mindless, xenophobic Topshop staff, I had lived in London long enough, sort of almost two years, to know that people automatically didn’t trust me, purely due to my accent.

Honestly, I had been shocked I even got the job in the first place, not just because of my accent, but also because I had insisted I would only work shopfloor. That’s the role I applied for, and it was the only role I would accept.

I was baffled that I still had a job after going missing on the day we were meant to start setting up the new store, and resurfacing a week later, fresh from a medium security psychiatric hospital. So I’m sure you can imagine how I felt when I was promoted to department manager, during the same conversation I looked my manager dead in the eye and informed him that his angry persistent phone calls had saved my life less than two weeks earlier, as I lay in a half full bath, my hands and feet black from the cold, in a state of semiconsciousness, still somehow awake after downing several boxes of Lorazepam, with the chain of the bathtub tangled around my toes.

“Leave me to die. I want to die,” I had mumbled to the paramedics as they joked about me.

“You don’t look like that type of girl,” Andrew, the store manager had replied.

That had been my first taste of what stigma felt like. At the time, it shook me. Now, it feels like a glancing blow.

This is all to explain where exactly my unwell mind was as I watch the episode play out, as I listened to my colleagues joke about how he was so idiotic and steroid fuelled he probably lost the money, and speculated on how long it would be until he was fired, over the following couple of days.

Regardless of the reality that everybody believed his money hadn’t been stolen, to me, they were sizing me up, testing my reactions, seeing how I responded. To me, they all suspected me.

So, when Meera and two other people reported having money stolen from them, and nobody had reported any money being stolen while I was sectioned, I became convinced it was only a matter of time before I was both accused, and punished for the crimes.

Then, it’s happened to me.

It happened after a spectacularly bad shift. I had handed Andrew his arse, and somehow come out on top. Following a particularly stressful opening week, and fourteen shifts in a row, on a day I am sure I only had five pounds to my name (we got paid the next day).

However, I didn’t realise the five pound note that I that had been in my bag was missing until I reached Arnos Grove tube station, and went to top up my oyster card.

A wave of emotion rolled over me.

Self loathing, I’d lost the last of my money, I was a fucking idiot, incompetent at life, and as a human being.

Regret, I shouldn’t have insisted on staying in London this summer, to make it my home, and make it completely on my own.

Fear. If there really was a thief, sooner or later I was going to be the one who got blamed.

Despair and dread. How was I getting home? I had no money and no idea of how to get there by foot, and this was before you could ask your phone to show you the way, before your phone could even pull up a map.

That is when my memory cut out.

The next memory I have, is of me sobbing on the floor of my room.

Even then, I had no idea how I had gotten home, I still don’t to this day, but I am certain I never found that five pound note, as the reason I was crying was because I had accepted that I had been robbed, yet I couldn’t tell anybody in case they suspected I was lying in attempt to cover up that I was the thief.

Although I didn’t want to go back to work, as everything just felt like too much to deal with, I decided that it would make me look guilty if I didn’t. It never occurred to me that those who knew about my suicide attempt would understand I was struggling.

The next day, aware I had five more very tiring and stressful days to get through before I could have a day off finally, I returned to work.

For the full five days, I went about the motions of work, not really there, buried deep in my own mind. Terrified, I listened as a sixth and seventh person claimed they had been robbed, saying nothing.

My weekend wasn’t restful either, I spent it the same way I spent my week, so when I returned to work on the Monday, I was convinced the police would be there to arrest me.

“Rachel,” Meera called excitedly, as I entered the store an hour after opening. I was working the closing shift, and Meera the opening shift. “J. has been fired.”

Sliding behind the counter, wanting to know what has happened before I spoke to Andrew, as J. was one of my nursery department staff, I scanned the empty store to check nobody was within earshot. “What did she do?”

“Andrew caught her in the staff room, going through my purse. She’s the thief.”

I said nothing to Meera about how I had been robbed.

I told nobody.

Until today.

Merino wool

Update 1

Merino wool is considered an expensive fabric, it does not fade in the sunlight, or absorb UV rays, and it will shrink if it isn’t cared for correctly.

So far, I’ve not been able to find any information on whether or not it wears “down” or “out” quickly.

Spandex

Update 1

Pure spandex can shrink, but it is unlikely to, even when machine dried on the highest temperature.

So far, I can’t find any concrete information on whether it fades in the Sunlight, absorbs uv rays, or wears “down” or out” fast.

Spandex is considered to be an expensive fabric.

Polypropylene

Update 2

Polypropylene is generally considered an expensive fabric.

So far, I can’t find any concrete evidence as to whether or not it shrinks, fades in the sunlight, absorbs UV rays, or wears”Down” or “out” fast.

polyester

Update 3

Polyester is considered to be cheap fabric, and does shrink. However, it doesn’t fade in the sunlight, absorb UV rays, or wear “Down” or “out” fast.

Nylon

Update 4

Nylon will shrink at high temperatures, fade quickly when exposed to sunlight, but does not absorb UV rays. However, I can’t find anything at the moment to suggest that it might wear “out” and/or “down” fast.

Nylon is considered a low cost fabric.

Cotton

Cotton is apparently one of the worst fabrics you can use to create sportswear, and I have found nothing to dispute this reputation in my research of it.

The problem with researching cotton’s properties and characteristics, is that you will find a lot of conflicting information, so today’s fabric post is going to be slightly different to my previous weeks fabric posts, in that I’m going to split it into two lists based on what information was conflicting, and why, and what information was more certain, and why.

Let’s start with the information that was uncertain.

Whether cotton is –

1.…A good fabric choice for warm weather or climates.

Cotton is a natural fibre, which is structurally hollow. On the pros side, this means that it doesn’t trap heat, therefore keeps you cool, and it odour repellant. However, on the cons side, it means that it is neither moisture repellent or wicking, and can actually hold up to 24 -27 times its own weight in moisture. When paired with the fact that bacteria is able to survive on it, at room temperature, for up to 26 days, this makes it a recipe for disaster, as well as some very unpleasant and nasty infections.

2….durable, tear resistant, abrasion resistant, and chemical damage resistant.

3.… Safe to wash at hot temperatures. Though it can be washed either in the washing machine, without the use of a garment bag, or by hand, sources are divided about what temperature you can wash it at. Some claim, that because cotton becomes 30% stronger when wet, it can survive a lot of hot water washes. While others air on the side of caution, and advise that you only wash it at a temperatures below 30°.

4.… Toxic. Apparently, cotton is not toxic, unless you are particularly sensitive to pesticides

5.… Expensive. Is it? I personally thought it was a cheaper material, but I’m probably wrong.

Next, what do we know for sure, about cotton–

1. It has no natural elasticity, so it can be woven to increase, or decrease, its stretchability.

2. It, wears “down” and/or “out” fast, is not UV resistant – not only does its colour fade in sunlight, UV rays actually damage and “age” it. It also won’t protect you from UV rays, as it’s actually absorbs them. And it’s prone to tumble dryer abrasions

3. Finally, it’s best stored flat, in a cool dark place, to prevent creases becoming permanent, and insects been drawn to it by the light.

Running Overview

Week starting

Monday, 11 April 2022

Days – 3

laps –12

Mouse run – 4.986

Miles walk – 12.6

Total miles – 22.572

Running schedule

Week starting

Monday, 11 April 2022

Planned

Monday -run

Tuesday – rest day

Wednesday – run

Thursday – rest day

Friday – run

Saturday – rest day

Sunday – run

Done

Monday – one lap of, two minutes running, three minutes walking

Two laps of, one minute running 30 seconds walking

– one lap of walking

Tuesday – resting

Wednesday – no run. no note

Thursday – 1 lap off, 2 minute running, 3 minutes walking.

-2 laps of, one minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking

-1 lap of, walking

Friday – rest day

Saturday -1 lap off, 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking

-2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking

-1 lap of, walking

Sunday – rest day

Running Journal

Monday, 11 April 2022

-1 lap of, 2 minute running, 3 minutes walking

-2 laps of – 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking

-1 lap of, walking

My first lap felt very hard.

Tuesday, 12 April 2022

Rest day.

Wednesday, 13 April 2022

No run.

No notes.

Thursday, 4 April 2022

-1 lap off, 2 minute running, 3 minutes walking.

-2 laps of, one minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking

-1 lap of, walking

Friday, 15 April 2022

Rest day

Saturday, 16 April 2022

-1 lap off, 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking

-2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking

-1 lap of, walking

Sunday, 17 April 2022

Rest day.

Commonly Confused Words

Their, there, and they’re are commonly confused words, because they are homophones, which means that they are words that sound the same but mean different things.

The word their is a determiner, which is used to show belonging.

There, is an adverb, and is most commonly used to show location.

Whereas, they’re is a contraction of the words they are.

Rules

If you are struggling to remember which of these words is correct to use in a sentence, you can ask yourself three questions –

1. if I change the sentence in order to use a pronoun such as her or his instead, would the sentence still make sense?

If the answer is yes, then their is correct.

2. Am I discussing, or referring to, location?

If the answer is yes there is correct, which is a word that ends with another location word- here.

3.If I changed the word to they are, would the sentence still make sense?

If the answer is yes, they’re is correct.

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Angered

Acrid

Acrimonious

Aggravated

Annoyed

Antagonistic

Antipathetic

Antisocial

Apoplectic

Argumentative

Ballistic

Bearish

Belligerent

Bent out of shape

Bilious

Bitter

Blue in the face

Boiling

Bristling

Bristly

Burning

Cantankerous

Cheesed off

Choleric

Churlish

Cold

Contentious

Contrary

Cool

Crabby

Cranky

Cross

Disproving

disputatious

Distant

Dyspeptic

Embittered

Inflame

Inflamed

Enraged

Exasperated

Foaming

Fretful

Frigid

Fuming

Furious

Fussy

Grouchy

Grumpy

Hopping

Hopping mad

Hot under the collar

Huffy

Icy

Ill humoured

Ill tempered

In a fume

In a huff

Incensed

Indignant

Inflamed

Inflammable

Infuriate

Infuriated

Inimical

Irascible

Irritate

Ireful

Irritable

Livid

Mad

Malevolent

Ornery

Outraged

Passionate

Peevish

Perturbed

Petulant

Pugnacious

Put out

Querulous

Quarrelsome

Quick tempered

Rabid

Rancorous

Ranting

Raving

Riled

Riley

Roiled

Seething

Steamed up

Steamy

Shirty

Sizzling

Smouldering

Snappish

Sore

Sore head

sore headed

Spiteful

Teed off

Testy

Ticked

Ticked off

Touchy

Friendly

Unpleasant

Vengeful

Vindictive

Virulent

Vitriolic

Worked up

Wrathful

Wroth

Wrought

Wrought up

Words you could use instead of the word…

Angered

Acrid

Acrimonious

Aggravated

Annoyed

Antagonistic

Antipathetic

Antisocial

Apoplectic

Argumentative

Ballistic

Bearish

Belligerent

Bent out of shape

Bilious

Bitter

Blue in the face

Boiling

Bristling

Bristly

Burning

Cantankerous

Cheesed off

Choleric

Churlish

Cold

Contentious

Contrary

Cool

Crabby

Cranky

Cross

Disproving

disputatious

Distant

Dyspeptic

Embittered

Inflame

Inflamed

Enraged

Exasperated

Foaming

Fretful

Frigid

Fuming

Furious

Fussy

Grouchy

Grumpy

Hopping

Hopping mad

Hot under the collar

Huffy

Icy

Ill humoured

Ill tempered

In a fume

In a huff

Incensed

Indignant

Inflamed

Inflammable

Infuriate

Infuriated

Inimical

Irascible

Irritate

Ireful

Irritable

Livid

Mad

Malevolent

Ornery

Outraged

Passionate

Peevish

Perturbed

Petulant

Pugnacious

Put out

Querulous

Quarrelsome

Quick tempered

Rabid

Rancorous

Ranting

Raving

Riled

Riley

Roiled

Seething

Steamed up

Steamy

Shirty

Sizzling

Smouldering

Snappish

Sore

Sore head

sore headed

Spiteful

Teed off

Testy

Ticked

Ticked off

Touchy

Friendly

Unpleasant

Vengeful

Vindictive

Virulent

Vitriolic

Worked up

Wrathful

Wroth

Wrought

Wrought up

Dictionary Corner

Angered

The word angered is the past tense of the word anger, and is a verb.

It means –

-To fill with anger

-To fill someone with anger

-To provoke Anger in

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

They’re

They are

Words you could use instead of the word…

They’re

They are

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

There

Specifically meaning able

Agile

Artful

Brilliant

Capable

Clever

Deft

Dexterous

Effective

Effectual

Efficient

Equal to

Experienced

Expert

Gifted

Ingenious

Intelligent

Keen

Know backwards and forwards

No one’s onions

Know the ropes

Learned

Masterful

Masterly

Powerful

Practiced

Prepared

proficient

Qualified

Responsible

Skilled

Skilful

Smart

Talented

Trained

Up to it

Up to snuff

Up to speed

With it

Words you could use instead of the word…

There

Specifically meaning able

Agile

Artful

Brilliant

Capable

Clever

Deft

Dexterous

Effective

Effectual

Efficient

Equal to

Experienced

Expert

Gifted

Ingenious

Intelligent

Keen

Know backwards and forwards

No one’s onions

Know the ropes

Learned

Masterful

Masterly

Powerful

Practiced

Prepared

proficient

Qualified

Responsible

Skilled

Skilful

Smart

Talented

Trained

Up to it

Up to snuff

Up to speed

With it

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

There

Specifically to mean here

Emplacement

Locality

Locus

Place

Point

Position

Precinct

Region

Scene

Section

Sector

Site

Spot

Venue

Where

Words you could use instead of the word…

There

Specifically to mean here

Emplacement

Locality

Locus

Place

Point

Position

Precinct

Region

Scene

Section

Sector

Site

Spot

Venue

Where

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

There

As an exclamation

Ah

Aha

Come on

Deuce

Fiddlesticks

Fie

Gee

Gee whiz

Ha

Hello

Hey

Indeed

Lo

No

Oh

Oops

Phooey

Pooh

Pshaw

The deuce

The devil

The dickens

Urg

Well

What

Whoops

Woops

Why

Words you could use instead of the word…

There

As an exclamation

Ah

Aha

Come on

Deuce

Fiddlesticks

Fie

Gee

Gee whiz

Ha

Hello

Hey

Indeed

Lo

No

Oh

Oops

Phooey

Pooh

Pshaw

The deuce

The devil

The dickens

Urg

Well

What

Whoops

Woops

Why

Dialogue you could use instead of the word…

Their

Her

Hir

His

Its

My

Our

Vis

Xyr

Your

Zir

Words you could use instead of the word…

Their

Her

Hir

His

Its

My

Our

Vis

Xyr

Your

Zir

Dictionary Corner

They’re

The word they’re is a contraction of the words they are. This means that the words they are, have been combined to make one shorter more informal word by pushing them together and replacing the letter a with an apostrophe.

Dictionary Corner

There

The word there is an adverb.

It means-

-In that place

-At that place

-To that place

-In that position

-At that position

-To that position

And is used,

-When gesturing to indicate the place intended

-To attract someone’s attention

-To draw someone’s attention to someone

-To draw someone’s attention to something

-To indicate a point in a speech

-To indicate a point in writing

-To indicate a point in a performance

-To indicate a point in any other similar thing

-To indicate the issue you are referring to

Commonly misspelt words

Their

Their is a commonly misspelt word.

The best way to remember the order of the letters in the word their, is to remember that it starts with the word the, as does there and they’re.

Dictionary Corner

Their

The word their is a determiner

It means –

-Belonging to

-Belonging to the people previously mentioned

-Belonging to the things previously mentioned

-Associated with

-Associated with the people previously mentioned

Associated with the things previously -mentioned

-Belonging to a person with an unspecified sex

-Associated to a person with an unspecified sex

-Belonging to a person whose gender does not correspond to the traditional binary of male or female

-Associated to a person whose gender does not correspond to the traditional binary of male or female

And is

-used in titles

Writing Overview

Blog posts completed

Week starting

Monday, 11 April 2022

-5X dictionary Corner

-14X alternative words

-2X alternative word redone

-2X commonly confused words

-1X commonly confused words tips

-2X running journal

-2X running schedule

-2X running overview

-1X running guide

-1X Sunday autobiographical post

-1X writing journal

-1X writing schedule

-1x writing overview

-1X completed list (??)

-1X fabric

-1X fabric update

Writing Overview

Hours and Days

Week starting

Monday, 11 April 2022

Hours owed =0

Hours planned = 15

Total hours to do = 15

Extra hours done = 8 hours 3 minutes

Total hours done = 23 hours 3 minutes

Owed = 0

Writing Schedule

Week starting

Monday, 11 April 2022

Planned

Monday – 3 hours

Tuesday – 3 hours

Wednesday – 3 hours

Thursday – 3 hours

Friday – 3 hours

Saturday – rest day

Sunday – rest day

Done

Monday – 4 hours 12 minutes

Tuesday – 1 hour 57 minutes

Wednesday – 1 hour 3 minutes

Thursday – 2hours 20 minutes

Friday – 4 hours

Saturday – 3 hours 31 minutes

Sunday – 6 hours

Writing Journal

Monday, 11 April 2022

2 hours of writing done before my run.

2 hours 12 minutes of writing done after my run.

Total writing done = 4 hours 12 minutes

Tuesday, 12 April 2022

1 hour 57 minutes of writing done.

Finished

-3X dictionary corner

-8X alternative words

-2X redone alternative words

-1X commonly confused words

-1X commonly confused words tips

-1X running journal

-1X running schedule

-1X running overview

Wednesday, 13 April 2022

1 hour 3 minutes writing done.

Thursday, 14 April 2022

2 hours 20 minutes

Finished

-1X running guide

Friday, 15 April 2022

4 hours of writing done.

Saturday, 16 April 2022

3 hours 31 minutes of writing done.

Finished

-1X Sunday autobiographical

Sunday, 17 April 2022

3 hours 5 minutes

1 hour 15 minutes

1 hour 5 minutes

Total time writing = 6 hours

Finished

-1X writing journal

-1X writing schedule

-1X writing overview

-1X completed list (??)

-1X commonly confused words

-2X dictionary Corner

-6X alternative words

-1X running journal

-1x running schedule

-1X running overview

-1X fabric

-1X fabric update

Ms Robot

I had been robbed.

That was my first thought when I looked down to pick up my handbag and plastic top shop bag, and saw just my handbag.

Immediately, I began to panic. As the hysterical chatter in my head got worse, I felt heat rush to my face, and I knew that my skin was burning red.

Suddenly, I was fighting the urge to burst into tears, not because I was upset, but because I was panicking, and felt stupid I was panicking over something so unimportant.

Grabbing my handbag off the floor next to my feet, I searched it quickly and found everything that should be inside it, was still inside it.

Then one voice cut through the chatter, “You’ve dropped it, or left it somewhere, you fucking idiot.”

With that, all the chatter in my head changed to match it, leaving me fighting back tears for an entirely different reason –

I was hopeless.

I couldn’t do anything right.

This wouldn’t happen to anybody else, just me, because I was so fucking moronic, and such an incompetent human being that I couldn’t do the simplest of things without it turning into a disaster.

Retracing my steps around the huge boots store, then out into the city centre, I got halfway back to the top shop before I questioned what I was doing.

If I’d dropped it in the street, I would never find it.

Now, I wanted to sit down in the packed city centre and cry like a child.

Again, that critical voice cut through the rest –

Pull yourself together you fucking baby.

Pull yourself together you fucking weirdo.

Why are you getting so worked up about a cheap necklace.

It’s not about the necklace, my thoughts respond to this rogue thought that didn’t belong to them, that didn’t belong in my head.

It’s about finding out what happened.

It’s about how useless we are.

It’s about how pathetic we are.

Pull yourself together, I ordered myself. It’s a cheap necklace, if it’s gone it’s gone, if you can’t find out why it’s gone, then you can’t find out why it’s gone.

We’ve only been in two shops, top shop and boots, one of my many thoughts remind me.

Trying to calm myself down, I marched into the top shop and up to the counter, to speak to (completely by chance) the same man I had spoken to less than an hour earlier, when I came in to exchange the broken necklace I’d had for less than a week.

Honestly, I hadn’t expected them to let me exchange it, but he had. It was this adorable, giant, robot, with dangly arms and legs, almost all of which had fallen off, and one of which was completely missing.

“I would take a refund,” he had advised me. “It feels like we’ve had every single one of these we’ve sold returned for the exact same reason. I don’t even think you’ll find a complete one left in the store. The stand they’re on looks like a robot scrapyard.”

But, I had found one complete robot in the store that day, and I loved the necklace so much and was so sure I could find a way to better secured its limbs to its body, that I had taken an exchange.

“Did leave my plastic bag here?” I asked him.

“No, I don’t think so, nobody’s handed it in anyway” he told me, clearly remembering me.

Thanking him, I left the top shop, heading back to the boots for another search inside the store, but by the time I arrived, I’d accepted that I probably had been robbed, and convinced myself that I should raise the alarm in case this person who robbed me was still inside the store robbing other people.

Walking straight up to the till, I explained that I believe I’d been robbed inside the store, and a minute later a plain clothes security guard was leading me to the security office to watch the camera footage, in order to try to identify if the thief was still inside the shop, telling me all about how people steal shopping bags with the intention of returning any items paid for in cash for a refund, as well as lecturing me about how stupid I had been to put my bag down on the floor, as he did.

When he rewound the security footage to the point where I reentered the store and walk straight to the cashier, he peppered me with questions that not only made me feel even more stupid, but as though he thought I was a liar.

After explaining I’d gone back to the top shop before raising the alarm, it was obvious he didn’t believe me at all, as he refused to roll the footage back any further, because “[He] didn’t think the thief would still be in the store.”

That’s when the tears eventually won and I began to cry, although it wasn’t because I felt like he was being unfair, he was being fair, but because I not only felt like I deserved everything bad that had happened to me that day –

I was greedy to return the damaged necklace.

I was stupid for not getting a refund.

I was stupid for putting my bag down on the floor.

I was wrong for not going straight to the cashier in boots to raise the alarm –

I also didn’t know why or how I even ended up in the security office, it wasn’t like I wanted the necklace back, I should’ve thrown it in the bin days ago.

I was stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, and all the chatter in my head agree with me.

“Stop crying,” he complained. “I’ll go back.”

Somehow, I managed to pull myself together enough to decide I just needed to remove myself from the situation, so my hand was on the door handle when he spoke again, stopping me.

“You were robbed,” he confirm, sounding surprised.

Silently, I joined him at the monitor, as he rewound it back couple of seconds then pressed play.

I watched myself on the screen as I crouched down, let go of my bags, resting them against my right foot, picked up an item and looked at it for a minute, before put it down. Then, as I though they had also been watching me, and timed it perfectly, as I stood back up, two ladies, one sitting in a wheelchair, and the other pushing it, passed between me and the camera from the left hand side to the right hand side, and when my feet came back in to view, my top shop bag had disappeared.

He moved to another monitor, then another, following them as they moved immediately from me to the exit.

They were gone before I even finished searching my handbag to make sure nothing was missing.

A Hole In Your Story.

“I’m going to have to speak to my manager about it,” the cashier told me.

It was early on a weekday morning, so early that the top shop in Oxford Street had literally just opened its doors, so I was the only person at the counter.

With the bra in hand, she disappeared, and was gone for at least half an hour, then returned with her manager, who immediately, and sharply, insisted, that she needed to see my receipt.

“She has it,” I nodded my head at the cashier, who I had given the receipt to when I gave her the damaged bra.

“Do you have it?” The manager inquired, at the time, I didn’t realise that the tone of her voice suggested she didn’t believe I had given the other girl my receipt.

Silently, the girl handed her manager the small piece of paper. The manager studied it for a good five minutes, even though it only had one item on it. Then she turned her attention back to me. “Is this your bag?”

I nodded. I was starting to feel uneasy.

“Is it the bag we gave you when you bought this?” She put so much emphasis on the word bought that I knew I was being accused of something, but because it sounded like I was being accused of buying it, at least to me, which I had indeed bought it, I suddenly felt guilty. Meekly, I confirmed that it was the Topshop bag they had giving me when I bought the item.

She snatched it up aggressively, riffled through it, peered intently inside it, tipped it upside down and shook it violently, before slamming it back down on the counter, and returning her attention to the receipt.

“When did you buy it?”

“Saturday.”

“What time?”

“I don’t remember,” I honestly didn’t. “Doesn’t it say what time I bought it on the receipt?”

“It does, that’s why am asking. Do you have the card you paid on with you?”

“Yes, but I don’t want a refund, I just want to change it for one that isn’t damaged. I didn’t notice the hole before I bought it.”

“I need to see the card,” she demanded, that aggression she displayed earlier present in her voice.

I took my debit card out of my purse, but before I could offer it to her, she yanked it from my fingers so hard it hurt me a little bit.

After holding it next to the receipt and studying both for another five minutes, she slammed both down on the counter and huffed at the cashier that she needed to speak to her manager about it.

“Is there a problem?” I asked the cashier, once the manager was gone.

“The hole is where the security tag would’ve been,” The cashier explained.

This would make sense, because I didn’t see the hole before I bought it and there had indeed been a security tag on it, although I don’t recall the security tags exact location, but the store was busy when I bought it, and I do recall that the lady who served me had been rushing, also the back was lace, which was the location of the hole, meaning the heavy metal tag could have damaged the delicate lace regardless of how carefully, or roughly, it was removed.

When the two managers joined us, the new one interrogated me in almost the exact same way as the first one had (this manager showed no interest in the bag) then sternly informed the cashier that I was allowed an exchange only.

The entire incident was so exhausting and upsetting, that even when they didn’t have another pink lace bra in my size, and the only bra they did have in my size was this hideous shade of denim blue, I took it without complaining.

Later though, I complain to my friends at work about it.

Even though this incident happened after the incident in my previous story, and I had never had so much trouble returning anything to a shop before (or since) it didn’t occur to me until I recounted the event to my friends that the issue was my accent.

Every single person I told, said they had returned items to that top shop before, some of them for the same reason, and that they had never had any problems with getting a refund.

High Alert

It wasn’t me who noticed it. It was Charlie and Amy. Although Charlie was the first person to mention it, Amy was the first person to understand it.

“Why is the security guard following us around?” Charlie asked. Her question was blatantly rhetorical, as she shouted it loudly, while looking over her shoulder at the security guard, who was indeed following us, and making no attempt to hide it. He was almost directly behind us, to the point where, if we had change direction and spun around one hundred and eighty degrees, he would’ve walked right into us.

“He thinks Rachels stealing,” Amy answered, her tone bored. “Haven’t you noticed that we can walk around any shop normally until Rachel speaks, and then immediately a security guard follows us around until we leave.” Then without warning she turned and addressed the security guard directly. “You know it’s not okay to discriminate against somebody because of their accent don’t you?”

He stared back emotionless, and didn’t respond.

“Fuck this shit,” Amy said. “I was actually shopping here. Like, I was actually going to give you people my money, but I’m fed up with this bullshit, so I’ll go give some other business my money,” she put the clothes she had draped over her arm down, and stormed out of the shop.

Me and Charlie followed, neither of us saying a word.

I had never noticed it before, but after that I did, and it made me afraid to speak in public.

Prologue To Today’s Stories

Today I am going to tell you three stories about my experiences as a victim of Scouse xenophobia (I have more).

The first two, High Alert, and A Hole In Your Story, are my experiences as a customer, being a person from Liverpool, in a city that was not Liverpool.

The third, Ms Robot, is a story about a time that I was the victim of a robbery in Liverpool. The reason I’m telling this third story is because it happened a couple of years after A Hole In Your Story took place, and it gave me more insight into what those women were thinking, and to me, it further proves the fact that they were xenophobic.

Their first thought on me returning an item with a small hole in it, was that I had somehow managed to fit a giant metal security tag through a small hole, which was one of those large round tags that are the same size on both sides (which I might be wrong, but I believe are the same size on both sides because they are filled with ink).

However, when I produce the receipt (which was straight away) they didn’t go from that thought too, heres evidence that she bought it, they went instead to, who did she steal this off.

It is also a great example of a time when I, as a victim of robbery, was sort of blamed, or disbelief, because as a disabled person, I didn’t “behave normally.”

Merino wool

Merino wool is a natural fabric, which is made using sheep’s wool, and usually no toxic chemicals. Due to Sheeps wool having a natural wax coating, called lanolin, it has natural antibacterial properties. As it traps odours within it, which it releases when washed, it is also “odour repellent.” You are able to machine wash it, without putting it inside a garment bag, and with normal detergent, but it must be washed with either cool or warm water, and items of a similar colour, only. It needs to be air dried, and it is recommended that it is always stored folded.

Because merino wool absorbs moisture, it has great moisture wicking properties, as it moves moisture to its surface, where it can dry faster. This will help you stay cool in the summer. However, merino wools fibres “crimp” when it’s cold, in order to trap heat. This combination means it will keep your body temperature stable whatever the weather and/or climate.

The fact that merino wool is able to stretch up to 20% to 30% of its original size, then snap back to is original size and shape, not only means it won’t restrict your movement, it means that it is durable, tear resistant, and abrasion resistant. It is not resistant to chemical damage, but is fire resistant, so it won’t melt. Although I couldn’t find any information about whether UV rays degrade it, I did find information saying it will protect you from UV rays in several sources.

Running Overview

Week starting –

Monday, 4 April 2022

No overview for this week because I was very well.

Running schedule plan

Planned

Monday-Rest day

Tuesday-1 lap of, 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking

-2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking

-1 lap walking

Wednesday-Rest day

Thursday-1 lap of, 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking

-2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking

-1 lap walking

Friday-Rest day

Saturday-1 lap of, 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking

-2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking

-1 lap walking

Sunday-Rest day

Done

Monday- rest day

Tuesday- No run. No notes

Wednesday- 1/2 lap of 2 minutes running 3 minutes walking

-1 lap of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds running

Thursday- rest day

Friday- Responsible no run day

Saturday- Responsible no run day

Sunday- Responsible no run day

Running Journal

Monday, 4 April 2022

On Monday, I don’t go for a run, because I have several personal problems that exploded, causing me to become more stressed and depressed than normal, which by the time I finish dealing with I was too tired and hungry to even think about going for my run.

Tuesday, 5 April 2022

Although I can’t remember why I didn’t go for a run on Tuesday, I do remember that I wanted to go at 11 pm, but it was too late.

Wednesday, 6 April 2022

I feel so bad mentally on Wednesday. This paired with how desperately I wanted to go running yesterday night, makes me believe that a run will do me good.

It makes me much worse.

The problem with running, is that it can isolate you with your thoughts. When you are already feeling stressed, depressed, and agitated, this can be a recipe for disaster.

I kept stopping to vent tweet, so I wasn’t having a productive run anyway. So, when I realise I’m feeling suicidal, I do the responsible thing, stop my run and walk home, instead of trying to push through because I’m already out.

It is at this point I realise I am very disorientated. I could have done either 2 laps, or 3. What I am sure of is, that I did –

-1/2 a lap of – 2 minute running, 3 minutes walking

-1 lap of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking

1/2 a lap, walking

Thursday, 7 April 2022

Rest day.

Friday, 8 April 2022

On Friday, I still wasn’t feeling well, so I didn’t go for my run today.

Saturday, 9 April 2022

Repeat of yesterday

Sunday, 10 April 2022

Same as Friday and Saturday.

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Angry

Acrid

Acrimonious

Affronted

Aggrieved

Antagonised

Antagonistic

Angered

Annoyed

Antipathetic

Antisocial

Apoplectic

Argumentative

Ballistic

Bearish

Belligerent

Bent out of shape

Bilious

Bitter

Blue in the face

Brisling

Bristly

Broiling

Cantankerous

Chafed

Cheesed off

Choleric

Churlish

Contentious

Contrary

Convulsed

Cold

Cool

Crabby

Cranky

Cross

Disagreeable

Disapproving

Displeased

Disputatious

Distant

Dyspeptic

Embittered

Enflamed

Enraged

Exacerbated

Exasperated

Ferocious

Fierce

Fiery

Foaming

Fretful

Frigid

Fuming

Furious

Fussy

Galled

Grouchy

Grumpy

Hateful

Heated

Hopping

Hopping mad

Horn mad

Hot

Hot under the collar

Huffy

Icy

Ill humoured

Ill tempered

Impassioned

In a fume

In a huff

Incensed

Indignant

Inflamed

Inflammable

Infuriate

Infuriated

Irate

Ireful

Irritable

Livid

Mad

Madden

Malevolent

Nettled

Offended

Ornery

Outraged

Passionate

Peevish

Perturbed

Petulant

Piqued

Pissed

Pissed off

Provoked

Pugnacious

Put out

Querulous

Quarrelsome

Quick tempered

Rabid

Raging

Rancorous

Rankled

Ranting

Raving

Resentful

Riled

Riley

Roiled

Seething

Shirty

Sizzling

Smouldering

Snappish

Sore

Sore head

Sore headed

Steamed up

Steaming

Storming

Stormy

sulky

Sullen

Teed off

Testy

Ticked

Ticked off

Touchy

Unpleasant

Uptight

Vengeful

Vexed

Vindictive

Virulent

Vitriolic

Worked up

Wrathful

Wroth

Wrought

Wrought up

Words you could use instead of the word…

Angry

Acrid

Acrimonious

Affronted

Aggrieved

Antagonised

Antagonistic

Angered

Annoyed

Antipathetic

Antisocial

Apoplectic

Argumentative

Ballistic

Bearish

Belligerent

Bent out of shape

Bilious

Bitter

Blue in the face

Brisling

Bristly

Broiling

Cantankerous

Chafed

Cheesed off

Choleric

Churlish

Contentious

Contrary

Convulsed

Cold

Cool

Crabby

Cranky

Cross

Disagreeable

Disapproving

Displeased

Disputatious

Distant

Dyspeptic

Embittered

Enflamed

Enraged

Exacerbated

Exasperated

Ferocious

Fierce

Fiery

Foaming

Fretful

Frigid

Fuming

Furious

Fussy

Galled

Grouchy

Grumpy

Hateful

Heated

Hopping

Hopping mad

Horn mad

Hot

Hot under the collar

Huffy

Icy

Ill humoured

Ill tempered

Impassioned

In a fume

In a huff

Incensed

Indignant

Inflamed

Inflammable

Infuriate

Infuriated

Irate

Ireful

Irritable

Livid

Mad

Madden

Malevolent

Nettled

Offended

Ornery

Outraged

Passionate

Peevish

Perturbed

Petulant

Piqued

Pissed

Pissed off

Provoked

Pugnacious

Put out

Querulous

Quarrelsome

Quick tempered

Rabid

Raging

Rancorous

Rankled

Ranting

Raving

Resentful

Riled

Riley

Roiled

Seething

Shirty

Sizzling

Smouldering

Snappish

Sore

Sore head

Sore headed

Steamed up

Steaming

Storming

Stormy

sulky

Sullen

Teed off

Testy

Ticked

Ticked off

Touchy

Unpleasant

Uptight

Vengeful

Vexed

Vindictive

Virulent

Vitriolic

Worked up

Wrathful

Wroth

Wrought

Wrought up

Dictionary Corner

Angry

The word angry is an adjective.

It means –

⁃ Feeling strong annoyance

⁃ Feeling strong displeasure

⁃ Feeling strong hostility

⁃ Showing strong annoyance

⁃ Showing strong displeasure

⁃ Showing strong hostility

…

Of the sea or sky

⁃ Stormy

⁃ Turbulent

⁃ Threatening

…

Of a wound or sore

⁃ Red and inflamed

Dialogue words you can use instead of the word…

Respond

Acknowledge

Act in response to

Answer

Answer back

Behave

Be in touch with

Come back

Come back at

Come in

Comment

Communicate

Cope

Cope with

Correspond

Construe

Contend

Contend with

Counter

Defend

Explain

Feed back

Feel for

Field

Field the question

Grapple

Grapple with

Get back to

Get in touch with

Handle

Interpret

Manage

Negotiate

React

Read

Reciprocate

Refute

Rejoin

Reply

Remark

Retaliate

Return

Retort

Riposte

Talk

Talk back

Understand

Words you can use instead of the word…

Respond

Acknowledge

Act in response to

Answer

Answer back

Behave

Be in touch with

Come back

Come back at

Come in

Comment

Communicate

Cope

Cope with

Correspond

Construe

Contend

Contend with

Counter

Defend

Explain

Feed back

Feel for

Field

Field the question

Grapple

Grapple with

Get back to

Get in touch with

Handle

Interpret

Manage

Negotiate

React

Read

Reciprocate

Refute

Rejoin

Reply

Remark

Retaliate

Return

Retort

Riposte

Talk

Talk back

Understand

Dictionary Corner

Respond

The word respond is a verb.

It means-

⁃ Say something in reply

⁃ Do something as a reaction to someone

⁃ Do something as a reaction to something

⁃ React quickly to a stimulus

⁃ React quickly to a treatment

⁃ React positively to a stimulus

⁃ React positively to the treatment

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Except

Exhaustive

Apart from

Aside from

Balk

Ban

Banish

Bar

Barring

Beef

Bellyache

Besides

Bitch

Blackball

Blacklist

Bleat

Block

But

Carp

Caterwaul

Cavil

Cease

Censure

Challenge

Check off

Close doors to

Comb

Chrome

Comb out

Complain

Conflict

Count

Count out

Crab

Croak

Criticise

Dare

Debar

Defy

Demonstrate

Demur

Denounce

Deport

Deter

Discontinue

Dispute

Disobey

Disregard

Eliminate

Except for

Excepting

Exclude

Excluding

Exclusive of

Exile

Expel

Expostulate

Fight

Freeze out

Fuss

Gag

Gripe

Grizzle

Grouch

Grouse

Growl

Grumble

Grump

Halt

Hinder

Holler

If not

Impede

Keen

Kick

Lacking

Leave out

Maunder

Minus

Moan

Murmur

Mutter

Nag

Not for

Object

Obstruct

Omitting

Only

Ostracised

Other than

Oust

Outside

Outside of

Prevent

Prohibit

Protest

Quarrel

Rebel

Rejecting

Remonstrate

Remonstrate with

Repine

Rule out

Save

Saving

Scream

Short of

Shut out

Squabble

Squawk

Squeal

Stave off

Stick

Suspend

Take Exception

Take Issue

Throw out

Ward

Ward off

Wail

Weed

Weed out

Whimper

Whine

Whinge

With stand

With out

With the exception

Yammer

Yawp

Yowl

Words you could use instead of the word…

Except

Exhaustive

Apart from

Aside from

Balk

Ban

Banish

Bar

Barring

Beef

Bellyache

Besides

Bitch

Blackball

Blacklist

Bleat

Block

But

Carp

Caterwaul

Cavil

Cease

Censure

Challenge

Check off

Close doors to

Comb

Chrome

Comb out

Complain

Conflict

Count

Count out

Crab

Croak

Criticise

Dare

Debar

Defy

Demonstrate

Demur

Denounce

Deport

Deter

Discontinue

Dispute

Disobey

Disregard

Eliminate

Except for

Excepting

Exclude

Excluding

Exclusive of

Exile

Expel

Expostulate

Fight

Freeze out

Fuss

Gag

Gripe

Grizzle

Grouch

Grouse

Growl

Grumble

Grump

Halt

Hinder

Holler

If not

Impede

Keen

Kick

Lacking

Leave out

Maunder

Minus

Moan

Murmur

Mutter

Nag

Not for

Object

Obstruct

Omitting

Only

Ostracised

Other than

Oust

Outside

Outside of

Prevent

Prohibit

Protest

Quarrel

Rebel

Rejecting

Remonstrate

Remonstrate with

Repine

Rule out

Save

Saving

Scream

Short of

Shut out

Squabble

Squawk

Squeal

Stave off

Stick

Suspend

Take Exception

Take Issue

Throw out

Ward

Ward off

Wail

Weed

Weed out

Whimper

Whine

Whinge

With stand

With out

With the exception

Yammer

Yawp

Yowl

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Except

Excluding those for presenting an opposing opinion and viewpoint, and preventing – consideration, inclusion, participation

Apart from

Aside from

Bar

Barring

But

Except for

Excluding

Exclusive of

Exempting

If not

Lacking

Leaving out

Minus

Not for

Omitting

Only

Other than

Outside

Outside of

Rejecting

Save

Saving

Short of

Without

With the exception of

Words you could use instead of the word…

Except

Excluding those for presenting an opposing opinion and viewpoint, and preventing – consideration, inclusion, participation

Apart from

Aside from

Bar

Barring

But

Except for

Excluding

Exclusive of

Exempting

If not

Lacking

Leaving out

Minus

Not for

Omitting

Only

Other than

Outside

Outside of

Rejecting

Save

Saving

Short of

Without

With the exception of

Dialogue you could use instead of the word…

Except

Specifically when it comes to presenting an opposing argument or opinion

Balk

Bellyache

Bitch

Bleat

Carp

Caterwaul

Cavil

Censure

Challenge

Complain

Conflict

Crab

Criticise

Croak

Dare

Debate

Defy

Demonstrate

Demur

Denounce

Dispute

Disobey

Expostulate

fight

Fuss

Gag

Gripe

Grizzle

Grouch

Grouse

Growl

Grumble

Grump

Holler

Keen

Kick

Maunder

Moan

Murmur

Mutter

Nag

Object

Protest

Quarrel

Rebel

Remonstrate

Remonstrate with

Repine

Scream

Squabble

Squawk

Squeal

Stick

Take exception

Take issue

Wail

Whimper

Whine

Whinge

withstand

Yammer

Yawp

Yaup

Yowl

Words you could use instead of the word…

Except

Specifically when it comes to presenting an opposing argument or opinion

Balk

Bellyache

Bitch

Bleat

Carp

Caterwaul

Cavil

Censure

Challenge

Complain

Conflict

Crab

Criticise

Croak

Dare

Debate

Defy

Demonstrate

Demur

Denounce

Dispute

Disobey

Expostulate

fight

Fuss

Gag

Gripe

Grizzle

Grouch

Grouse

Growl

Grumble

Grump

Holler

Keen

Kick

Maunder

Moan

Murmur

Mutter

Nag

Object

Protest

Quarrel

Rebel

Remonstrate

Remonstrate with

Repine

Scream

Squabble

Squawk

Squeal

Stick

Take exception

Take issue

Wail

Whimper

Whine

Whinge

withstand

Yammer

Yawp

Yaup

Yowl

Dialogue words you could choose instead of the word…

Except

Specifically when it comes to preventing consideration, inclusion, or participation

Ban

Banish

Bar

Beef

Blackball

Blacklist

Bleat

Block

Cease

Checkoff

Close ones door to

Close out

Comb

Comb out

Count

Count out

Debar

Deport

Deter

Discontinue

Disregard

Eliminate

Exclude

Exile

Expel

Freeze out

Halt

Hinder

Impede

Obstruct

Ostracise

Oust

Prevent

Prohibit

Rule out

Shut out

Stave off

Suspend

Throw out

Ward

Ward off

Weed

Weed out

Words you could choose instead of the word…

Except

Specifically when it comes to preventing consideration, inclusion, or participation

Ban

Banish

Bar

Beef

Blackball

Blacklist

Bleat

Block

Cease

Checkoff

Close ones door to

Close out

Comb

Comb out

Count

Count out

Debar

Deport

Deter

Discontinue

Disregard

Eliminate

Exclude

Exile

Expel

Freeze out

Halt

Hinder

Impede

Obstruct

Ostracise

Oust

Prevent

Prohibit

Rule out

Shut out

Stave off

Suspend

Throw out

Ward

Ward off

Weed

Weed out

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Accept

Abide

Absorb

Accede

Accede to

Account

Accredit

Acclaim

Acquiesce

Acquiesce to

Adopt

Advocate

Agree

Agree to

Agree with

Allow

Applaud

Approved

Approve off

Ascent

Ascent to

Assume

Back

Back up

Bear

Believe

Bide

Bow

Bow to

Brook

Buy

Capitulate

Capitulate to

Commend

Concede

Concede to

Conclude

Concur

Confirm

Consent

Consent to

Countenance

Credit

Deduce

Embrace

Endorse

Enjoy

Espouse

Gain

Get

Give in

Give in to

Go

Go for

Hack

Handle

Hold with

Indorse

Infer

Laud

Like

Live with

Lump

Lump it

Meet

Obtain

Ok

Okay

Pocket

Praise

Presume

Ratify

Reaccept

Reassume

Recommend

Reconcile

Reconcile to

Respect

Salute

Sanction

Secure

Shoulder

Stand

Stand by

Stand for

Stick out

Stomach

Submit

Submit to

Succumb

succumb to

Support

Surrender

Surrender to

Sustain

Swallow

Sweat out

Take

Take kindly to

Take over

Take up

Tolerate

Tough it out

Trust

Understand

Undertake

Uphold

Warrant

Wear

Welcome

Yield

Yield to

Words you could use instead of the word…

Accept

Abide

Absorb

Accede

Accede to

Account

Accredit

Acclaim

Acquiesce

Acquiesce to

Adopt

Advocate

Agree

Agree to

Agree with

Allow

Applaud

Approved

Approve off

Ascent

Ascent to

Assume

Back

Back up

Bear

Believe

Bide

Bow

Bow to

Brook

Buy

Capitulate

Capitulate to

Commend

Concede

Concede to

Conclude

Concur

Confirm

Consent

Consent to

Countenance

Credit

Deduce

Embrace

Endorse

Enjoy

Espouse

Gain

Get

Give in

Give in to

Go

Go for

Hack

Handle

Hold with

Indorse

Infer

Laud

Like

Live with

Lump

Lump it

Meet

Obtain

Ok

Okay

Pocket

Praise

Presume

Ratify

Reaccept

Reassume

Recommend

Reconcile

Reconcile to

Respect

Salute

Sanction

Secure

Shoulder

Stand

Stand by

Stand for

Stick out

Stomach

Submit

Submit to

Succumb

succumb to

Support

Surrender

Surrender to

Sustain

Swallow

Sweat out

Take

Take kindly to

Take over

Take up

Tolerate

Tough it out

Trust

Understand

Undertake

Uphold

Warrant

Wear

Welcome

Yield

Yield to

Dictionary Corner

Except

The word except is a conjunction, a preposition, and a verb.

As a conjunction

As a conjunction, the word except-

⁃ Can be used before a statement that informs an exception to one just made

⁃ Means unless

As a pre position

As a pre position the word except means-

⁃ Not including

⁃ Other than

As a verb

As a verb the word except means-

⁃ Specifically excluded from a category

⁃ Specifically excluded from a group

Dictionary Corner

Accept

The word accept is a verb.

It means –

⁃ Consent to receive

⁃ Consent to receive something offered

⁃ Consent to undertake

⁃ Consent to undertake something offered

⁃ Give an affirmative answer to

⁃ Give an affirmative answer to an offer

⁃ Give an affirmative answer to a proposal

⁃ Say yes to

⁃ Receiver as adequate

⁃ Receiver as valid

⁃ Receive as suitable

⁃ Regard as favourable

⁃ Regard with approval

⁃ Welcome

⁃ Believe

⁃ Believe as a proposition

⁃ Believe as correct

⁃ Believe as a valid

⁃ Recognise

⁃ Recognise as a proposition

⁃ Recognise as correct

⁃ Recognise as valid

⁃ Take upon oneself

⁃ Take upon oneself as a responsibility

⁃ Take upon oneself as a liability

⁃ Acknowledge

⁃ Tolerate

⁃ Tolerate something unpleasant

⁃ Tolerate something undesirable

⁃ Submit to

⁃ Submit to something unpleasant

⁃ Submit to something undesirable

…

As a thing

⁃ To be designed to allow

⁃ To be designed to allow something

⁃ To be designed to allow something to be applied

⁃ To be designed to allow something to be inserted

Commonly Confused Words

Accept and Except

The words accept and except, though they sound very similar, actually sort of mean opposite things.

The word accept means to receive or acknowledge.

Where as the word except means to exclude or disagree with.

Example

I cannot accept, that you invited everybody, except me.

A good way to remember which is correct to use in a sentence, is to ask yourself, could you replace the word accept/except within the word excluding, excluded, exclude.

If the answer is yes, the correct word to use it except, which also begins with an EX.

Writing Overview

Blog Posts Completed

Week starting

Monday, 4th April 2022

1 x commonly confused words

2 x dictionary Corner

14 x alternative words

1 x announcement

1 x running overview

1x monthly running plan

1x running guide

1 x sunday autobiographical post

Writing Overview

Hours and Days

Week starting –

Monday, 4th April 2022

Hours owed = 0

Planned hours for this week = 15

Total hours of writing to do this week = 15

Additional hours done = 0 hours 21 minutes

Total hours done = 15 hours 12 minutes

Hours owed = 0

5/7 days

But wrong days

Hours all over the place

Writing Schedule

Week starting –

Monday, 4th April 2022

Planned

Monday – 3 hours

Tuesday – 3 hours

Wednesday – 3 hours

Thursday – 3 hours

Friday – 3 hours

Saturday rest day

Sunday – rest day

Done

Monday – 0

Tuesday – 1 hour 1 minute

Wednesday– 1 hour 12 minutes

Thursday – 4 hours 48 minutes

Friday – 0

Saturday – 5 hours 13 minutes

Sunday – 1 hour 7 minutes

Writing Journal

Monday, 4th April 2022

On Monday, I do no writing, because I have several personal problems that explode, causing me to become more stressed and depressed than normal, which by the time I finish dealing with I was too tired and hungry to even think about attempting to do anything else.

Tuesday, 5th April 2022

1 hour, 1 minutes of writing done

Posts completed

⁃ 2 x dictionary corner

⁃ 1 x commonly confused words

⁃ 14 x alternative words

Wednesday, 6th April 2022

1 hour 12 minutes of writing complete

Thursday, 7th April 2022

During the early hours of Thursday morning, while I can’t sleep, I do 1 hour 15 minutes writing.

After I wake up, I do another 4 hours 58 minutes.

Total writing done = 6 hours 48 minutes.

I completed

1 x announcement

1x running overview

1x April running sand

1x running guide

Friday, 8th April 2022

No notes, so I assume no writing done.

Saturday, 9th April 2022

5 hours 13 minutes writing complete

Blog post completed

1x Sunday autobiographical blog post

Sunday, 10th April 2022

1 hour 7 minutes of writing complete

Scouse Xenophobia

Note: Before I begin this post, I want to make sure that anybody reading it knows that, I do refer to myself as a Scouser, I have no problem with anybody else referring to me as a Scouser, there are even people who only refer to me as a Scouser because they have heard, or seen, me refer to myself as a Scouser. Personally, I’m not offended by the name Scouser, I believe the majority of people from Liverpool also aren’t offended by it, and currently it is what we are most commonly known as.

However, if a person from Liverpool was to request that you do not refer to them as a Scouser, or even went as far to ask you not to use the word around them, it is my honest opinion, that it is a valid request, that they are both entitled to make, and have met by you, unless of course you enjoy upsetting other people just because you can.

There’s this weird phenomenon that I face a lot, as a suffer out of pseudo psychosis, which happens when I request people don’t use the word psycho, that I know happens whenever you request people stop using any word that is offensive, demonising, or stigmatising, et cetera, this is where the person being offensive, gets offended, then is defensive, because you have asked them nicely not to be offensive. Then they try to explain to you why are you being offended is wrong and therefore the problem. After which they then go off to ask other people, that they know will agree with them that it’s not offensive, why it is offensive.

This behaviour is not only bizarre, it’s a huge problem.

Can we stop telling people who we offend that them being offended is the problem, rather than our offensive behaviour. If somebody has taken offence or something you have said, there’s a very good reason for that. If you aren’t aware of what that reason is, then you clearly don’t understand, in this case, why the word you’re using, or the way in which you are using it, is offensive, and not knowing those things doesn’t entitle you to be offensive.

If you don’t understand why something might be offensive, the best person to ask about why it’s offensive is the person it’s offending. Nobody else can explain why that person, who is personally offended by it, is offended by it.

So, with that said, let’s get started with this post.

Xenophobia against people from Liverpool still is today, and has been a huge issue for at least my entire lifetime, and possibly anybody who is alive today’s entire lifetime, and it is an issue that according to the headlines of several articles, I chose not to read, we’re so tired of now that we are finally fighting back against it.

If you’re from the UK, you probably understand what I mean by xenophobia against people from Liverpool.

However, as most of my readers are not from the UK, I’m going to write a small post, this post, explaining briefly what Scouse xenophobia looks like, in general, on the milder the end of the scale. Then I am going to follow up with a couple of small blog post, each as a separate post, so that I can add to them if I remember any more examples, of how it effected me as a Scouser living outside of Liverpool, in general, on the milder end of the scale, before I go into how it effected me more seriously in specific situations, as I talk about those situations in the future.

As I have faced Scouse xenophobia my entire life, and it’s such a multilayered and complicated prejudice, I am only going to be skimming the surface of what it is here, and won’t be going into massive amounts of detail on it, or what causes it, as my aim is to give you enough information to understand my social disadvantage due to the specific type of prejudice during this particular time in my life, meaning my time at university, without going too far off topic.

The word Scouser itself could be considered derogatory, as Scouse was, in the past, “a poor man’s stew,” and the reason we are referred to as Scousers is because people started using it to imply everybody in Liverpool ate Scouse for every meal, because we were so impoverished we couldn’t afford food. Insert eye roll emoji here. According to historians, Scouse is a relatively new, meaning created in the last hundredish years or so, name for people from Liverpool, therefore when it was created, not everyone in Liverpool would have been so severely impoverished nobody in the city was eating.

Yet, I don’t know a single person who considers it to be derogatory, but I am aware that some people do.

You could argue this is due to people not being aware of the origin of the name, if you had never met a person from Liverpool ever. Trust me, we all know what Scouse is. I believe our lack of offence over the name shows our attitude towards petty hate, and that we are capable of differentiating between what is petty hate, and what a serious hate. We don’t care that nasty people feel the need to be nasty just because they can, as it says nothing about us and everything about them, so we embraced it, and we have in doing so, taken away the power and stigma attached to the word. We also know what issues are important, and we spend our time and energy working on trying to change those things.

This is not to say we shouldn’t care, maybe we should, especially if we really do intend on eradicating Scouse xenophobia once and for all.

In a nutshell, Scouse xenophobia is the creation of, and belief in, the derogatory stereotypes of people from Liverpool, by people who are not from Liverpool. These stereotypes include, but are not limited to, the ideas that people from Liverpool are – dirty, disrespectful, evil, thieving, alcoholic, drug addict, scumbags, who are loud, and fight and argue for the sake of fighting and arguing, and don’t work simply because we don’t want to.

As a person who has lived in both Liverpool and London, I’m going to use the two cities, as comparisons, based on my personal experiences

Liverpool overall is much cleaner city, when it comes to things like public spaces and transport, and I am very sorry Londoners, I know that most of you are clean, but some of you are so dirty in yourself and/or your habits that I don’t know, how combined with the stickiness, and grubbiness of the city, there isn’t an outbreak of the Ye Olde plague there every couple of weeks.

Theft seems like a much bigger issue in London than in Liverpool, as off the top of my head I can remember being robbed twice in London. Sam was also robbed in London.

Here we normally don’t even take advantage of stuff. If money is left on a self serve till, or a card in a chip and pin machine, we hand it in. Just last week I found a mobile phone on a checkout in the pharmacy and handed it in. This wasn’t even the first time something similar has happened. That’s who we are.

If I had to guess, I’d guess that the loud, aggressive portrayal of us comes from how outspoken and prepared to fight injustice and inequality we are (this statement shows just how complex multilayered, and far back in history the prejudice against us is, and goes, as not even I, a person who has not only being subjected to Scouse xenophobia my entire life, and makes it my business to educate myself, can say without guessing or doing actual research, where some of the most infamous and harmful stereotypes about us come from, and because I want this post to be about my own experiences, and knowledge, up until at least this point, I have not, and don’t intend to, do any actual research on the subject) though the majority of us fight this through legal and governmental processes, rather than with aggression or violence.

If you don’t believe any of my last paragraph, do a quick Google search on both the Hillsborough disaster, and the 2015, I think, neo-Nazi March, when the Nazis decided to hold an event in Liverpool.

Liverpool is a multicultural, multi diverse, city. I believe our non-white communities have existed here for centuries, and I believe we have the largest LGBTQ+ community in England.

The people of Liverpool are still fighting for justice over what happened both at, and after, that football match, decades ago.

The people of Liverpool said no to the Nazis, and when they ignored us and came anyway, a lot of us protested, a small few physically fought and rioted (I did neither, as I was both at work that day, and so out of touch with what was going on in the world I had no idea they were even coming to Liverpool) yet the riots in lime Street station became infamous online, particularly on YouTube, of which the majority of the videos about it seem to have been taken down since.

Either way, the government and the police have learned that we are not afraid of them.

The nazis learned the only people protecting them were diversely cultured police officers, who were being paid to do so. The very people they hate, were the only people standing between them and the rioters, and there were no streets to hold their event on, because we were filling the streets with our protest march against them.

When it comes to drug and alcohol dependency, which while we’re on the subject we need to address better as a society, due to the fact that many addicts use as a result of being let down by governmental systems, such as the NHS (national health service) I can’t say whether we do have more addicts than anywhere else, what I can say, from firsthand experience, is that our healthcare system in Liverpool is appallingly bad, especially when it comes to how it deals with mental health.

The same could be said for the unemployment here. As a working class city, the majority of people here work either heavily manual labour jobs, or heavily mentally taxing jobs, and there are very minimal disability support requirements that these companies need to adhere to, and nobody that holds them accountable when they discriminate against the disabled. Employers are allowed to use and abuse their staff to the point of physical and/or mental breakdown, then throw them away. Then there is the pressure being working class puts on people to not only choose to work long hours, but to allow them selves to be used and abuse by employers. Once ill you find out that the systems apparently put in place to help you, particularly when it comes to illness recovery, are just empty boxes we have paid a fortune for. This is something I also know from firsthand experience.

Over the decades, Scouse xenophobia has changed.

Although I do think common sense must have played a role in the change, I personally think it wasn’t a significant role. Of course not everybody in Liverpool isn’t unemployed, we have shops and other businesses here, therefore some of us must work, so a weird form of societal split thinking has happened, Scouse has become a label for the “bad” Liverpool people, and Liverpudlian has become a word used for the “good” Liverpool people, and if this idea wasn’t ridiculous enough, I’ve heard Liverpudlian could also be considered a derogatory name, but nobody has ever said this to me directly, and I don’t know the origins of the word Liverpudlian or care enough to Google the origins, what I do now is that historians believe the correct name for a person from Liverpool is liverpolitan or something similar.

Which brings us full circle back to where we started this post, and to its end.

Polypropylene

Update

Polypropylene is generally considered non-toxic, and has a high melting point.

Polyester

Update 2

Polyesters melting point is high.

Polyester is considered a toxic material due to the chemicals it is treated with during the manufacturing process.

So far, I can’t find any storage recommendations, or whether it should be put in a garment bag to machine wash.

Nylon

Update 3

Nylon has a high heat melting point.

It can be toxic depending on what chemicals it is finished/treated with during the manufacturing process.

So far, I can’t find any specific storage recommendations for nylon, or whether it should be put in a garment back to machine wash.

Spandex

From my research, it seems to me, that the only reason this fabric is used to create sportswear is because of the strong, durable, and extremely elastic properties. Spandex is able to stretch up to eight times its size, then immediately snap back to it original size and shape, allowing unrestricted movement, and has good resistance to chemical damage, tears, and abrasions.

Due to it being a synthetic material, spandex is a breeding ground for bacteria, which can cause fungal and bacterial infections, and will retain the smell of body odours. Equally as bad though, spandex is produced using toxic chemicals which cannot only be toxic – obviously, but can cause allergic reactions, and reactions very similar to allergic reactions.

All of the negatives above are enhanced by the fact that spandex traps heat, which increases how much you sweat (although its heat trapping properties may be considered a benefit if you exercise outdoors in cold temperatures) and whether it’s moisture wicking and/or moisture repellent depends on how it’s manufactured, meaning what chemicals it is treated with.

As it melts at relatively low temperatures, it should be washed on a low heat, then air dried. It can be machine washed, but is recommended that, if you do so, you put it in a garment bag, so that it does not become overstretched or twisted.

So far, I’ve been unable to find any solid information on how its best to store spandex, or if it’s UV degradable, or protects you from UV rays.

Running Overview

Days- 1

Total laps- 4

Total miles- 6.648

Total miles run- 4.986

Total miles walked- 1.662

Running schedule

Planned

Monday-1 lap of, 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking

-2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking

-1 lap walking

Tuesday- Rest day

Wednesday-1 lap of, 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking

-2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking

-1 lap walking

Thursday-Rest day

Friday-1 lap of, 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking

-2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking

-1 lap walking

Saturday-Rest day

Sunday-1 lap of, 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking

-2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking

-1 lap walking

Done

Monday-1 lap of, 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking

-2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking

-1 lap walking

Tuesday-Rest day

Wednesday-No run raining

Thursday- No run no notes

Friday- Went to but new running shoes. No run.

Saturday- No run. No notes.

Sunday- No run. No notes.

Running Journal

Monday, 28 March 2022

– 1 lap of, 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking

– 2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking

– 1 lap, walking

Tuesday, 29 March 2022

Rest day

Wednesday 30th March 2022

No run.

Raining.

Thursday 31st March 2022

No run.

No notes.

Friday, 1st April 2022

No run.

Went to buy a new running shoes.

Saturday 2nd April 2022

No run.

No notes.

Sunday, 3rd April 2022

No run.

No notes.

Dialogue words you could use instead of the words…

Off

Exhaustive

Absent

Abeyant

Abominable

Abroad

Abysmal

Afar

Afield

Amiss

Annihilate

Apart

Arrested

Aside

Askew

Asleep

Assassinate

Australia

Astray

Atrocious

Away

Awful

Awry

Bad

Barnyard

Bawdy

Below par

Blow away

Blowout

Blue

Brutal

Bump of

Burn

Bush

Bush league

Butcher

Cancelled

Carry off

Cheesy

Claim

Coarse

Comatose

Common

Counterfactual

Counterfeit

Crappy

Croak

Crude

Crummy

Cut down

Cut rate

Damnable

Deceptive

Defective

Deficient

Delusive

Delusory

Deplorable

Destroy

Detestable

Dirty

Dishonest

Dispatch

Dissatisfactory

Distorted

Do away with

Do in

Dormant

Down

Dreadful

Dull

Egregious

Eliminate

Elsewhere

Eradicate

Erroneous

Execrable

Execute

Exterminate

fake

Fallow

False

Faulty

Fell

Fictitious

Filthy

Finished

Flagrant

Flawed

Foul

Frail

Fragile

Fraudulent

Free

Fro

Get

Gnarly

Gross

Gutter

Hence

Horrendous

Horrible

Idle

Illusory

Inaccurate

Inactive

Inadequate

Inert

Inexact

Incorrect

Indecent

Indecorous

Indelicate

Inferior

Ill

Immodestly

Inoperable

Inoperative

Insufficient

Interrupted

Invalid

Junky

Knockoff

Lacking

Lame

Lascivious

Latent

Leering

Lesser

Lifeless

Liquidate

Little

Locker room

Lousy

Low grade

Low rent

Lying

Marginal

Massacre

Mean

Meagre

Mediocre

Mendacious

Miscreant

Minimal

Minor

Misery

Miserly

Misleading

Moribund

Mow

Mow down

Nasty

Naughty

Negligible

Neutralise

Niggardly

Not employed

Not on duty

Obscene

Odious

Off based

Off colour

On the shelf

On vacation

Out

Out of commission

Outside

Paltry

Pathetic

phoney

Pornographic

Porn

Poor

Postponed

Prurient

Put away

Quiescent

Racy

Raunchy

Reprehensible

Ribald

Risqué

Rotten

Rubbishy

Rob out

Salty

Scanty

Scurrilous

Second rate

Shabby

Sham

Shoddy

Shoot down

Short

Skimp

Skimpy

Slaughter

Slay

Sleazy

Sleepy

Slender

Slight

Slim

Slow

Small

Smite

Smutty

Snuff

sour

Spare

Spacious

Spurious

Stag

Stingy

Stinky

Suboptimal

Subpar

Substandard

Suggestive

Sucky

Suspend

Take out

Terminate

Tiny

Trashy

Trumped up

Unacceptable

Underpar

Unpredictable

Unpublishable

Unsatisfactory

Unsound

Unspeakable

Unusable

Unused

Unworkable

Useless

Vacant

Valueless

Vile

Villainous

Whack

Wipeout

Worthless

Wrong

Zap

Words you could use instead of the words…

Off

Exhaustive

Absent

Abeyant

Abominable

Abroad

Abysmal

Afar

Afield

Amiss

Annihilate

Apart

Arrested

Aside

Askew

Asleep

Assassinate

Australia

Astray

Atrocious

Away

Awful

Awry

Bad

Barnyard

Bawdy

Below par

Blow away

Blowout

Blue

Brutal

Bump of

Burn

Bush

Bush league

Butcher

Cancelled

Carry off

Cheesy

Claim

Coarse

Comatose

Common

Counterfactual

Counterfeit

Crappy

Croak

Crude

Crummy

Cut down

Cut rate

Damnable

Deceptive

Defective

Deficient

Delusive

Delusory

Deplorable

Destroy

Detestable

Dirty

Dishonest

Dispatch

Dissatisfactory

Distorted

Do away with

Do in

Dormant

Down

Dreadful

Dull

Egregious

Eliminate

Elsewhere

Eradicate

Erroneous

Execrable

Execute

Exterminate

fake

Fallow

False

Faulty

Fell

Fictitious

Filthy

Finished

Flagrant

Flawed

Foul

Frail

Fragile

Fraudulent

Free

Fro

Get

Gnarly

Gross

Gutter

Hence

Horrendous

Horrible

Idle

Illusory

Inaccurate

Inactive

Inadequate

Inert

Inexact

Incorrect

Indecent

Indecorous

Indelicate

Inferior

Ill

Immodestly

Inoperable

Inoperative

Insufficient

Interrupted

Invalid

Junky

Knockoff

Lacking

Lame

Lascivious

Latent

Leering

Lesser

Lifeless

Liquidate

Little

Locker room

Lousy

Low grade

Low rent

Lying

Marginal

Massacre

Mean

Meagre

Mediocre

Mendacious

Miscreant

Minimal

Minor

Misery

Miserly

Misleading

Moribund

Mow

Mow down

Nasty

Naughty

Negligible

Neutralise

Niggardly

Not employed

Not on duty

Obscene

Odious

Off based

Off colour

On the shelf

On vacation

Out

Out of commission

Outside

Paltry

Pathetic

phoney

Pornographic

Porn

Poor

Postponed

Prurient

Put away

Quiescent

Racy

Raunchy

Reprehensible

Ribald

Risqué

Rotten

Rubbishy

Rob out

Salty

Scanty

Scurrilous

Second rate

Shabby

Sham

Shoddy

Shoot down

Short

Skimp

Skimpy

Slaughter

Slay

Sleazy

Sleepy

Slender

Slight

Slim

Slow

Small

Smite

Smutty

Snuff

sour

Spare

Spacious

Spurious

Stag

Stingy

Stinky

Suboptimal

Subpar

Substandard

Suggestive

Sucky

Suspend

Take out

Terminate

Tiny

Trashy

Trumped up

Unacceptable

Underpar

Unpredictable

Unpublishable

Unsatisfactory

Unsound

Unspeakable

Unusable

Unused

Unworkable

Useless

Vacant

Valueless

Vile

Villainous

Whack

Wipeout

Worthless

Wrong

Zap

Dialogue words you could choose instead of the word…

Off

Minus words that mean obscene or murder only

Absent

Abeyant

Abominable

Abroad

Abysmal

Afar

Afield

Amiss

Apart

Arrested

Aside

Askew

Asleep

Astray

At rest

Atrocious

Away

Awful

Awry

Bad

Below par

Brutal

Burn

Bush

Bush league

Cancelled

Carry off

Cheesy

Claim

Coarse

Comatose

Common

Counterfactual

Counterfeit

Crappy

Croak

Crummy

Cutdown

Curate

Damnable

Dad

Deceitful

Deceptive

Deficient

Delusive

Delusory

Deplorable

Destroy

Detestable

Dishonest

Dissatisfactory

Distorted

Do away with

Dormant

Dreadful

Dull

Egregious

Eliminate

Elsewhere

Eradicate

Erroneous

Execrable

Fake

Fallow

False

Faulty

Fell

Fictitious

Finished

Flawed

Foul

Frail

Fragile

Fraudulent

Free

Fro

Get

Gnarly

Hench

Horrendous

Horrible

Idle

Illusory

Inaccurate

Inactive

In adequate

Inert

Inexact

Incorrect

Indelicate

Inferior

Inoperable

Inoperative

Insufficient

Interrupted

Invalid

Junk

Knock off

Lacking

Lame

Latent

Lesser

Lifeless

Liquidate

Little

Lousy

Low grade

Low rent

Marginal

Mean

Meagre

Mediocre

Mendacious

Miscreant

Minimal

Minor

Miserable

Miserly

Misleading

Moribund

Negligible

Neutralise

Niggardly

Not employed

Not a duty

odious

Off base

On the shelf

On vacation

Out

Out of commission

Outside

Paltry

Pathetic

Phony

Poor

Put away

Quiescent

Remote

Reprehensible

Rotten

Rubbishy

Rub out

Scanty

Second rate

Shabby

Shoddy

Skimpy

Sleepy

Slender

Slight

Slim

Slow

Small

Smit

Sour

Spare

Specious

Spurious

Stingy

Stinky

Suboptimal

Subpar

Substandard

Sucky

Suspend

Terminate

Tiny

Trashy

Trumped up

Unacceptable

Underpar

Unpredictable

Unsatisfactory

Unsound

Unusable

Unused

Unworkable

Useless

Vacant

Valueless

Vile

Villainous

Worthless

Wrong

Words you could choose instead of the word…

Off

Minus words that mean obscene or murder only

Absent

Abeyant

Abominable

Abroad

Abysmal

Afar

Afield

Amiss

Apart

Arrested

Aside

Askew

Asleep

Astray

At rest

Atrocious

Away

Awful

Awry

Bad

Below par

Brutal

Burn

Bush

Bush league

Cancelled

Carry off

Cheesy

Claim

Coarse

Comatose

Common

Counterfactual

Counterfeit

Crappy

Croak

Crummy

Cutdown

Curate

Damnable

Dad

Deceitful

Deceptive

Deficient

Delusive

Delusory

Deplorable

Destroy

Detestable

Dishonest

Dissatisfactory

Distorted

Do away with

Dormant

Dreadful

Dull

Egregious

Eliminate

Elsewhere

Eradicate

Erroneous

Execrable

Fake

Fallow

False

Faulty

Fell

Fictitious

Finished

Flawed

Foul

Frail

Fragile

Fraudulent

Free

Fro

Get

Gnarly

Hench

Horrendous

Horrible

Idle

Illusory

Inaccurate

Inactive

In adequate

Inert

Inexact

Incorrect

Indelicate

Inferior

Inoperable

Inoperative

Insufficient

Interrupted

Invalid

Junk

Knock off

Lacking

Lame

Latent

Lesser

Lifeless

Liquidate

Little

Lousy

Low grade

Low rent

Marginal

Mean

Meagre

Mediocre

Mendacious

Miscreant

Minimal

Minor

Miserable

Miserly

Misleading

Moribund

Negligible

Neutralise

Niggardly

Not employed

Not a duty

odious

Off base

On the shelf

On vacation

Out

Out of commission

Outside

Paltry

Pathetic

Phony

Poor

Put away

Quiescent

Remote

Reprehensible

Rotten

Rubbishy

Rub out

Scanty

Second rate

Shabby

Shoddy

Skimpy

Sleepy

Slender

Slight

Slim

Slow

Small

Smit

Sour

Spare

Specious

Spurious

Stingy

Stinky

Suboptimal

Subpar

Substandard

Sucky

Suspend

Terminate

Tiny

Trashy

Trumped up

Unacceptable

Underpar

Unpredictable

Unsatisfactory

Unsound

Unusable

Unused

Unworkable

Useless

Vacant

Valueless

Vile

Villainous

Worthless

Wrong

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Off

As a verb

Especially for murder

Annihilate

Assassinate

Blow away

Blow out

Bump off

Butcher

Cut down

Dispatch

Do away with

Do in

Eliminate

Eradicate

Execute

Exterminate

Knockoff

massacre

Mow

Mow down

Shoot down

Slaughter

Slay

Snuff

Take out

Terminate

Whack

Wipeout

Zap

Words you could use instead of the word…

Off

As a verb

Especially for murder

Annihilate

Assassinate

Blow away

Blow out

Bump off

Butcher

Cut down

Dispatch

Do away with

Do in

Eliminate

Eradicate

Execute

Exterminate

Knockoff

massacre

Mow

Mow down

Shoot down

Slaughter

Slay

Snuff

Take out

Terminate

Whack

Wipeout

Zap

Dialogue you could use instead of the word…

Off

Specifically to mean obscene

Barnyard

Bawdy

Blue

Crude

Dirty

Filthy

Flagrant

Gross

Gutter

Indecent

Indecorous

Immodest

Lascivious

Leering

Lewd

Locker room

Nasty

Naughty

Obscene

Off colour

Pornographic

Porny

Prurient

Racy

Raunchy

Ribald

Risqué

Rotten

Scurrilous

Smutty

Stag

Suggestive

Trashy

Unpublishable

Unspeakable

Words you could use instead of the word…

Off

Specifically to mean obscene

Barnyard

Bawdy

Blue

Crude

Dirty

Filthy

Flagrant

Gross

Gutter

Indecent

Indecorous

Immodest

Lascivious

Leering

Lewd

Locker room

Nasty

Naughty

Obscene

Off colour

Pornographic

Porny

Prurient

Racy

Raunchy

Ribald

Risqué

Rotten

Scurrilous

Smutty

Stag

Suggestive

Trashy

Unpublishable

Unspeakable

Commonly Confused Words

Of and Off

The word of is a proposition that is used to indicate a relationship between two separate, but connected things and people.

The word off is, and adjective, an adverb, a noun, a proposition, and a verb, which indicates separation or disconnection.

How to remember which to use in a sentence.

If you are referring to relationship between things and/or people, it’s of you should use.

Whereas off is the opposite of on.

Dictionary Corner

Off

The word off is, and adjective, an adverb, a noun, a proposition, and a verb.

As an adjective

As an adjective the word off means,

– performing worse than usual

– feeling worse than usual

– in adequate

– unsatisfactory

– annoying

– unfair

– unfriendly

– hostile

– (of food) being no longer fresh

– located on the side of the vehicle that is normally furthest from the curb

– offside

As an adverb

As an adverb, the word off means,

– cancel

– bring an end to

– discontinue

– absent

– be away from work

– be removed

– be separated

– away from the main route

– away from a place in question

– to or at a distance

– leaving

– the start of a journey

– the start of a race

As a noun

As a noun the word off means,

– the start of an experience

– the start of a journey

– the start of a race

As a preposition, the word off means,

– move away from

– move down from

– leading in a direction away from

– leading in the direction away from the main route

– leading in the direction away from an intersection

– situated in a direction from away from

– situated in a direction away from the main route

– situated in a direction away from an intersection

– out at sea

– out at sea from a place on the coast

– to be removed from

– to be separated from

– to be absent from

– to abstain from

– to have a temporary dislike of

As a verb

As a verb, the word off means,

– leave

– kill

– murder

Writing overview

Posts completed

2x – word definitions

2x – commonly confused words

3x – alternative words

1x– running journal entry

1x– running schedule

1x– running overview

1x– an announcement

1x– friday guide

1x– an autobiographical post for Sunday

Writing Overview

Hours and Days

Owed from last week = 0

Plans for this week = 15 hours

Total hours of writing to do this week = 15 hours

Additional hours done = 4 hours 55 minutes

Total done = 19 hours 55 minutes

Hours owed = 0

5–7 days.

But wrong 5 days.

Writing Schedule Plan

Planned

Monday-3 hours

Tuesday-3 hours

Wednesday-3 hours

Thursday-3 hours

Friday-3 hours

Saturday-Rest day

Sunday-Rest day

Done

Monday- 4 hours 3 minutes

Tuesday- 4 hours 5 minutes

Wednesday- 5 hours 39 minutes

Thursday- 6 hours 8 minutes

Friday- 0

Saturday- 2 hours 8 minutes

Sunday- 0

Writing Journal

Monday, 28th March 2022

4 hours 3 minutes writing

Tuesday, 29th March 2022

4 hours 5 minutes writing

Wednesday, 30th March 2022

4 hours 5 minutes, + 1 hour 8 minutes, +26 minutes.

Total writing done = 5 hours 39 minutes

Posts complete

2X – word definitions

2X – commonly confused words

3X – alternative words

Thursday, 31st March 2022

1 hour 37 minutes, +1 hour 18 minutes, +2 hours 16 minutes, +57 minutes

Total writing done = 6 hours 8 minutes

Post completed

– Friday running journal

– Friday running schedule

– Friday running overview

– An announcement

– A Friday running guide

Friday 1st April 2022

No writing.

No notes.

Saturday, 22nd April 2022

2 hours 8 minutes writing.

Posts completed

-Sunday autobiographical

Sunday, 3rd April 2022

No writing.

No notes.

Money. Money. Money.

“What are you going to do about paying your rent?” Amy enquired, sounding genuinely concerned.

“What do you mean? I’ve paid my rent.” I informed her.

“No, not the part of your rent that the student loans pay, the part of it you have to pay,” she elaborated.

Although the student loans paid the majority of my rent, I had to pay two hundred pounds of it myself every term. So did Amy.

Already, at the age of nineteen, understanding that rent was at the top of the pay list for bills, pay it was the very first thing I did on the day I received the part of student loan that I got to cover general living expenses.

“I’ve paid it. Why? Haven’t you?” I put down my unopened sandwich, my second sandwich, having only just finished my first, and the one that had sparked our conversation about how we were both down to the last of our first terms student loan.

“I’m still hungry,” I had complained but I was acting twitchy, so still stressed was probably more accurate.

“Might as well go out living life large,” Amy had joked, but there had been no humour in her voice, more of an agitated tone.

My twitchiness was annoying her.

“Why haven’t you paid it?” I asked her.

She shrugged.

We sat there in silence, alone, other than the staff, in the cat hill campus cafe.

“What are you going to do about paying it?” I wondered, finally picking up my sandwich again.

“That’s why I was asking you?” She admitted. “I was going to try to copy whatever your solution was, but I suppose I’ll have to ask my parents. What are you going to do about money for the next couple of weeks? How are you going to pay for your train ticket home at Christmas?”

“I’ve got my tickets already. And Middlesex still haven’t given me my bursary yet.”

“Thats because you’re not getting the bursary.”

“Yes I am. They’ve already told me I am. Plus, I haven’t touched my overdraft at all, I have all five hundred pound of my student overdraft left.”

“Oh,” was all she said in response. I suppose now she understood that when I said I only had twenty pound of my student loan left, and she had replied I only have fifty, I literally meant I only had twenty pound of my student loan left, and not that I pissed every penny that I had access to up the wall on nights out and designer clothes.

Cruel Intentions

I was convinced I had permanently blinded myself.

If you suffer with racing thoughts, you can probably understand the distress that I felt when this possibility entered my mind, as in a second I was hit by literally hundreds of hysterical screaming thoughts about how not being able to see would change my life.

That is when I started to cry, and staggered out of the bathroom in just my towel in search of help, unable to open my eyes because the sharp, burning pain was too bad when I tried at this point.

Somebody else had been in the shower in the small bathroom outside my room when I needed to use it, so instead I had to use the shower on the other side of the third floor.

This meant that not only was Charlie’s room the nearest, and the most identifiable, due to its location in between three fire doors, usually her door was open.

Feeling my way along the wall with my hand, eventually I found Charlie’s room and stumbled inside.

At first I was met with laughter.

“Oh my God Rach, your hair looks like candy floss,” Charlie howled.

“Why have you done that to your hair, Rach,” Amy asked, sounding unimpressed.

Then Charlie must have noticed my scorched red eyelids and tear strained cheeks because she stopped laughing.

“It’s in my eyes, and I still can’t wash it out,” I sobbed.

“Oh shit,” Charlie exclaimed, but she didn’t follow her statement up with a solution or an offer of help.

“Come on,” Amy was already next to me. She took me by the shoulders, turned me around, and led me slowly and carefully back to the bathroom, where she placed me by the sink while she went to get a cup. If you aren’t thirty five like me, or older, you may not remember the dawn of unnatural hair colours becoming popular. As I experienced it, it started out in the “alternative scenes” that I was a part of. At this time named brand, and therefore professional brand, box dies in unnatural colours wasn’t an easily accessible thing to get your hands on as a member of the non hairdressing public, if it was even a thing at all, I had certainly never encountered one and I had been a hairdressing student. You would have to go to an alternative shopping centre, such as Quiggins, if you were in Liverpool – yes I really am from Liverpool, I really am thirty five, and I really was an emo – or, markets like Camden market in London, to buy these weird, obscure, therefore probably not safe, specialty dyes, in brands that you never seen anywhere else.

Camden market is where I had bought this particular obscure, pink, semipermanent box dye.

Only once had I dyed my own hair, all the other times it have been professionally done by a hairdresser, and that was when I had dark brown hair with bleach blonde streaks for the dye to go on to. So, what possessed me to put pink streaks into my now entirely bleached hair myself, is honestly a mystery to me, but that is what I had attempted to do.

The event started out mildly successful, with me managing to apply it mainly to my fringe as my hair was quite short at the back, but not exactly how I wanted it.

The problems began in the shower. Maybe I had applied too much dye, or shampoo, or both, or maybe it was just wasn’t as safe as it should have been, as I dye my own hair all the time now, and I still can’t wash it off without getting it in my eyes. The difference is, that these days I don’t end up in severe pain that makes it hard for me to open my eyes, and causes me to have temporarily, extremely foggy vision when I managed to.

As soon as I got it in my eyes, I tried to wash it out with my hands, but it felt like I was just rubbing more of it into my eyes.

“Get out of the shower, wash your hands properly with soap, and start again,” I told myself, desperately trying to control the panic that was rapidly taking over my mind and body, but when I did the same thing happened, I was just rubbing more dye into my eyes, but now I was also struggling to hold my towel in place while I did.

That is when I became hysterical, and realised I really needed help.

However, when Amy returned, she was having the same problem.

“There’s too much of it still in your hair,” she explained. “It’s all running down your face. We need to wash it off first. Wait here while I go to get myself a towel.”

“No. No. No.,” Insisted understanding immediately what she was suggesting. “You are not getting in the shower with me. I can wash it off myself.”

“Is that how you ended up in this situation, because you can wash it out yourself?” Amy quipped.

“My ability to wash the dye out of my hair isn’t the issue. It’s in my eyes that’s the issue,” I argued.

“It’s in your eyes because you fucked up washing it off. Did you mean for all your hair to turn fluorescent pink?” She shot me down.

“No. No, I didn’t,” I agreed.

“Okay, well, listen, you stand in the shower so nobody else gets in,” as she said this she help me inside the shower. “I’ll be right back.”

“Please, don’t look at me,” I begged her when she returned, lock the door and began to undress. It didn’t seem fair that she could see and I couldn’t, and I already felt so vulnerable in the situation.

“I won’t, I promise.”

Eric was the first to mention it to me afterwards, and in true Eric form he was extra slimy and douchey about it, “Amy told me about you and her taking a shower together.”

As the days went on though, everybody commented to me about it.

When I confronted Amy, she shrugged it off and laughed about it, even though she had disgusted seeing me naked.

“You promised you wouldn’t look,” I fumed as though that, and not her talking about my body to other people, was the issue.

“Oh, be serious Rach. You couldn’t have believed I wouldn’t look. Of course I looked your hot,” She had rolled her eyes, as though I was being over dramatic.

After that, every time somebody brought it up I’d respond, “Remember that time Amy pissed herself in the woods when we were drunk, then just got on the tube into central covered in piss?”

“I can’t believe you’re reminding people of the time I wee’d on my shorts! I can’t believe you’re telling people who didn’t know that I wee’d on my shorts that it happened!” Amy complained when people started mentioning it to her.

“Keeping secrets works both both ways,” I informed her. “You keep mine, I keep yours. You tell mine, I tell yours.”

Polypropylene

Whether polypropylene is breathable and/or moisture wicking, seems to be up for debate, as well as dependent on how it is weaved, though most sources lean towards agreeing that it is mostly both.

Apparently, polypropylenes moisture wicking abilities come from it’s water resistant/repellent properties. As it is unable to absorb moisture, moisture passes completely through the fabric then quickly dries.

Its pros are that it’s lightweight, strong and durable, meaning it’s resistant to tears, abrasions and chemicals.

However, as it’s a synthetic material, it retains odours and can grow bacteria on it. This isn’t it’s only con, it’s also melts at what is referred to as a relatively low temperatures, and degrades if exposed to sunlight for too long.

Two things I couldn’t find out about polypropylene is if it protects you from UV rays (which due to it being UV degradable I would guess it doesn’t) and if it’s stretchy.

A could be pro or con, depending on where you live and the time of year it is, is that traps heat.

polypropylene can either be hand or machine washed, but only at cold to cool temperatures, and should be aired dried.

Don’t store in sunlight.

Polyester

Update

Polyester is naturally resistant to UV degradation.

Polyester traps heat.

Polyester is resistant to abrasions, tears, and most chemicals.

Nylon

Update 2

Nylon is susceptible to UV degradation.

Nylon traps heat.

Nylon is resistant to chemicals and abrasions.

Running plan May

Week one

And

Week two

25th April 22

– 2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds walking, 3 minutes and 30 seconds walking

– 1 lap of 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking

– 1 lap walking

Week 3

And

Week 4

9 May 2022

– 1 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds walking, 3 minutes and 30 seconds walking

– 2 lap of 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking

– 1 lap walking

Monthly Running Overview

Weeks 9 to 12

28th February 2022

To

27th March 2022

Plan

Days = 13

Total miles = 63.156

Total miles to run = 16.7308

Total miles to walk = 46.4476

Done

Day = 9

Total miles = 53.184

Total miles= 13.9241

Total miles walked =39.2599

Comparison

-4 days

-9.972 miles

-2.8067 miles run

-7.1877 walked

Running Overview

Days- 2

Total laps-8

Total miles-13.296

Total miles run-2.9916

Total miles walked-10.3044

Running schedule plan

Planned

Monday-Rest day

Tuesday-3 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking

1 lap walking

Wednesday-Rest day

Thursday-3 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking

1 lap walking

Friday-Rest day

Saturday-3 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking

1 lap walking

Sunday-Rest day

Done

Monday-Rest day

Tuesday-3 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking

1 lap walking

Wednesday-Rest day

Thursday-3 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking

1 lap walking

Friday-Rest day

Saturday-No run. No notes.

Sunday-No run. No notes.

Running Journal

Monday, 21st March 2022

No notes, so I assume no run.

Tuesday, 22nd March 2022

-3 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking.

-1 lap walking.

Wednesday 23rd of March 2022

Rest day.

Thursday, 24th March 2022

-3 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking

-1 lap walking

Friday, 25th March 2022

Rest day.

Saturday 26th of March 2022

No one. No notes.

Sunday 27th of March 2022

No run. No notes.

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

Reply

Acknowledge

Acknowledgement

Answer

Antiphon

Backlash

Backtalk

Banter

Comeback

Comment

Communicate

Communication

Construe

Contend

Contend with

Counter

Cope

Cope with

Correspond

Correspondence

Counteraction

Counter response

Defence

Defend

Deny

Echo

Explain

Explanation

Feedback

Field

Grapple

Grapple with

Handle

Interpret

Jerk reaction

Justification

Kick back

Knee jerk reaction

Lip

Manage

Negotiate

Non sequitur

Observation

Plea

React

Reaction

Read

Rebound

Rebut

Rebuttal

Reciprocation

Recoil

Reflex

Refute

Refutation

Rejoin

Rejoinder

Remark

Repartee

Replication

Response

Respond

Retaliation

Retort

Return

Revulsion

Riposte

Rise

Sass

Snappy comeback

Take

Understand

Vibes

Wisecrack

Words you could use instead of the word…

Reply

Acknowledge

Acknowledgement

Answer

Antiphon

Backlash

Backtalk

Banter

Comeback

Comment

Communicate

Communication

Construe

Contend

Contend with

Counter

Cope

Cope with

Correspond

Correspondence

Counteraction

Counter response

Defence

Defend

Deny

Echo

Explain

Explanation

Feedback

Field

Grapple

Grapple with

Handle

Interpret

Jerk reaction

Justification

Kick back

Knee jerk reaction

Lip

Manage

Negotiate

Non sequitur

Observation

Plea

React

Reaction

Read

Rebound

Rebut

Rebuttal

Reciprocation

Recoil

Reflex

Refute

Refutation

Rejoin

Rejoinder

Remark

Repartee

Replication

Response

Respond

Retaliation

Retort

Return

Revulsion

Riposte

Rise

Sass

Snappy comeback

Take

Understand

Vibes

Wisecrack

Dictionary Corner

Reply

The word reply is, and noun and a verb.

As a noun

As a noun reply means,

-A verbal answer

-A written answer

-The action of answering someone

-The action of answering something

-A response in the form of an action

-A response in the form of an expression

-A response in the form of a gesture

As a verb

As a verb the word reply means,

-To say something in response to something someone said

-Write back in answer to someone

-Response by similar action

-Respond by similar gesture

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

New

Advanced

Alternate

Alternative

Animated

Another

Brand new

Clean

Contemporary

Current

Cutting edge

Designer

Dewy

Different

Dissimilar

Distinct

Energised

Enlivened

Equivalent

Exhilarated

Extra

Fashionable

Fresh

Freshened

Freshly

Futuristic

Happening

High tech

Hi tech

Hot

Improvised

In

Inexperienced

Innovative

Invigorated

Jazzed

Jazzed up

Just

Just out

Last

Late

Lately

Latest

Latter

Latter day

Latterly

Makeshift

Mint

Mod

Modern

Modernised

Modernistic

Modish

Natural

Neoteric

New age

Newborn

Newfangled

New fashioned

Newly

Nonconventional

Nouvelle

Novel

Now

Of late

Only

Original

Other

Pathbreaking

Pinch

Pioneering

Present day

Pristine

Reanimated

Reborn

Recent

Recently

Recreated

Redhot

Reenergised

Refreshed

Regenerated

Reinvigorated

Renewed

Resurrected

Resuscitating

Revised

Second

Separated

Space aged

Spare

Spick and span

State of the art

Strange

Substitute

Substitutive

Successive

Trailblazing

Ultramodern

Utility

Unaccustomed

Uncontaminated

Unconventional

Unfamiliar

Unheard of

Unique

Unknown

Unlike

Unprecedented

Updated

Up to date

Up to the minute

Unseasoned

Unspoiled

Unskilled

Untrained

Untreated

Untried

Untrodden

Untouched

Unused

Unusual

Unwearied

Unworn

Unworked

Virgin

Youthful

Words you could use instead of the word…

New

Advanced

Alternate

Alternative

Animated

Another

Brand new

Clean

Contemporary

Current

Cutting edge

Designer

Dewy

Different

Dissimilar

Distinct

Energised

Enlivened

Equivalent

Exhilarated

Extra

Fashionable

Fresh

Freshened

Freshly

Futuristic

Happening

High tech

Hi tech

Hot

Improvised

In

Inexperienced

Innovative

Invigorated

Jazzed

Jazzed up

Just

Just out

Last

Late

Lately

Latest

Latter

Latter day

Latterly

Makeshift

Mint

Mod

Modern

Modernised

Modernistic

Modish

Natural

Neoteric

New age

Newborn

Newfangled

New fashioned

Newly

Nonconventional

Nouvelle

Novel

Now

Of late

Only

Original

Other

Pathbreaking

Pinch

Pioneering

Present day

Pristine

Reanimated

Reborn

Recent

Recently

Recreated

Redhot

Reenergised

Refreshed

Regenerated

Reinvigorated

Renewed

Resurrected

Resuscitating

Revised

Second

Separated

Space aged

Spare

Spick and span

State of the art

Strange

Substitute

Substitutive

Successive

Trailblazing

Ultramodern

Utility

Unaccustomed

Uncontaminated

Unconventional

Unfamiliar

Unheard of

Unique

Unknown

Unlike

Unprecedented

Updated

Up to date

Up to the minute

Unseasoned

Unspoiled

Unskilled

Untrained

Untreated

Untried

Untrodden

Untouched

Unused

Unusual

Unwearied

Unworn

Unworked

Virgin

Youthful

Dialogue words you could use instead of the word…

knew

Absorbed

Accepted

Appreciated

Appreciative

Apprehend

Acquaintance

Acquainted

Assimilated

Aware

Awareness

Be acquainted

Be a master of

Be conversant in

Beheld

Be informed

Be learned

Be read

Be schooled

Be versed

Caught

Caught on

Caught on to

Cognised

Compassed

Comprehend

conceived

Cottoned

Cottoned on

Cottoned onto

Cotton to

Data

Deciphered

Deciphered

Differentiated

Dug

Digested

Discerned

Discriminated

Distinguished

Encountered

Endured

Erudition

Evident

Experienced

Expertise

Facts

Familiarity

Fathomed

Felt

Felt certain

Followed

Grasped

Gotten

Gotten the idea

Gone through

Had

Had information

Had knowledge off

Information

Intelligence

Intuit

Kept

Kenned

Know how

Knowledge

Learned

Learnt

Landed

Literate

Lore

Low down

Made

Made out

Met

News

Noticed

On top

Passed

Penetrated

Perceived

Picked up

Picked up on

Pierced

possessed

Prized

Realised

Received

Recognised

Registered

Savvy

Scholarship

Saw

Sensed

Seized

Suffered

Sustained

Took in

Tasted

Tumbled

Tumbled to

Twigged

Undergone

Understood

Wisdom

Witnessed

Words you could use instead of the word…

knew

Absorbed

Accepted

Appreciated

Appreciative

Apprehend

Acquaintance

Acquainted

Assimilated

Aware

Awareness

Be acquainted

Be a master of

Be conversant in

Beheld

Be informed

Be learned

Be read

Be schooled

Be versed

Caught

Caught on

Caught on to

Cognised

Compassed

Comprehend

conceived

Cottoned

Cottoned on

Cottoned onto

Cotton to

Data

Deciphered

Deciphered

Differentiated

Dug

Digested

Discerned

Discriminated

Distinguished

Encountered

Endured

Erudition

Evident

Experienced

Expertise

Facts

Familiarity

Fathomed

Felt

Felt certain

Followed

Grasped

Gotten

Gotten the idea

Gone through

Had

Had information

Had knowledge off

Information

Intelligence

Intuit

Kept

Kenned

Know how

Knowledge

Learned

Learnt

Landed

Literate

Lore

Low down

Made

Made out

Met

News

Noticed

On top

Passed

Penetrated

Perceived

Picked up

Picked up on

Pierced

possessed

Prized

Realised

Received

Recognised

Registered

Savvy

Scholarship

Saw

Sensed

Seized

Suffered

Sustained

Took in

Tasted

Tumbled

Tumbled to

Twigged

Undergone

Understood

Wisdom

Witnessed

Commonly Confused Words

Knew and New

The words knew and new are homophones, which means that they sound or are pronounce the same, as in the word knew the K is silent, but have different meanings.

The word knew is an verb, and is the past tense of the word know.

The word new is both adjective an adverb, and means either recently discovered, introduced, produced, or acquired.

Ways to remember which is correct to use in a sentence

Knew is related to the word knowledge.

New means the opposite of old.

Dictionary Corner

Knew

The word new is a verb, and it’s the past tense of the word know.

Dictionary Corner

New

The word new, is an adjective and an adverb.

As an adjective

As an adjective of the word new means,

– produced recently

– introduced recently

– discovered recently

– produce now for the first time

– Introduced now for the first time

– discovered now for the first time

– not existing before

– of recent origin

– of recent arrival

– not previously owned

– not previously used

– already existing but seen now for the first time

–already existing but experience now for the first time

– recently acquired

– unfamiliar

– unfamiliar to someone

– strange

– strange to someone

– inexperienced

– inexperienced at an activity

– unaccustomed

– unaccustomed to an activity

– different from a recent previous one

– in addition to another or others already existing

– discovered later and named after

– founded later and named after

– being a new and in a transformed way

– (of a person) reinvigorated

– superseding another or others of the same kind

– more advanced than another or others of the same kind

– reviving another or others of the same kind

As an adverb

As an adverb the word new means,

– Newly

– Recently

Monthly Writing Overview

Blog post completed

Week 9

28th February 2022

“all Wednesday posts”

“all Friday posts”

Week 10

7th March 2022

No notes of what I completed.

Week 11

14th March 2022

5X – Wednesday writing journals

5X – Wednesday writing schedules

5X – Wednesday writing overview

2X – commonly confused words

8X – word definitions

18X – alternative words

4X – Friday running journals

4X – Friday running schedules

4X – Friday running overviews

One X – guide outtakes

One X – running plan

OneX – Sunday autobiographical blog posts

week 12

Wednesday, March 2022

– running guide

– Sundays autobiographical blog post

Writing Plan

May

To focus more on doing 15 hours writing over 5 days, as I am starting to meet my 15 hours writing a week goal, but not at 3 hours a day over 5 days a week target.

Monthly Writing Overview

Hours

Week 9 to 12

Week 9

28th February 2022

Hours of writing planned =15

Hours of writing owed= 4

Total hours of writing to do = 19

Hours done = 16 hours

Hours owed = 3 hours

Did not meet my overall hour target.

Also did not meet my target of writing for 3 hours a day 5 days a week.

Week 10

7th March 2022

Hours of writing planned = 15

Hours of writing owed = 3

Total hours of writing to do = 18 hours

Total hours of writing done = 21 hours 4 minutes

Hourly goal achieved.

Goal of writing for 3 hours 5 days a week, not achieved

Week 11

14 March 2022

Hours planned planned = 15

Hours done = 24 hours 3 minutes

Targets of 15 hours exceeded, but both my physical and mental health suffered as a result.

Target of writing for t3 hours 5 days a week, not achieved again.

Week 12

21st March 2022

Hours of writing planned =15

Hours of writing dine =18 hours 13 minutes

Target of writing for 15 hours a week achieved.

Target of writing for 3 hours a day 5 days a week not met, still.

Overview target for total hours done achieved 3/4 weeks.

Target for how hours are spread across the week achieved 0/4 weeks.

Blog Posts Completed

⁃ Running guide

⁃ Sunday autobiographical blog post

Writing Review

Hours owed from last week- 0

Hours planned for this week- 15

Total hours to do this week- 15

Extra time done- 3 hours 13 minutes

Total Time done- 18 hours 13 minutes

Time owed- 0

Writing Schedule Plan

Planned

Monday- 3 hours

Tuesday- 3 hours

Wednesday- 3 hours

Thursday- 3 hours

Friday- 3 hours

Saturday-Rest day

Sunday-Rest day

Done

Monday- 2 hours 30 minutes

Tuesday- 4 hours 34 minutes

Wednesday- 4 hours 35 minutes

Thursday- 3 hours

Friday- 3 hours 34 minutes

Saturday- 2 hours

Sunday- No notes.