Last week, I followed the link in the automated message that housing options sent me when I first emailed them to ask them how I request a subject assess request in July, and found a page where it allows you to request one, which I did.
Let’s see if they actually acknowledge my request this time.
Saturday 14th October 2023
I have taken a quick look at my first few complaint entries, which I wrote in 2022.
It seems I thought that the best place to begin was with my first housing officer, Phil, and how he discriminated against me because I am disabled and abused me.
Current me agrees this is the best place to start. However, while doing this I believe I need to include information not relevant to this part of my complaint, rather to the part about the condition and suability of my flat, because both Phil and LMH completely ignored all this when they should not have at the time they offered me the flat and allowed me to move in.
So, here is my current plan on how I am going to approach my complaint.
First, I am going to talk about the parts relevant to the conditions and suitability of my property that both LMH anPhil ignored, which were obvious issues at the time of my viewing and when I moved in. These will likely be straight to the point lists.
Then I am going to tell you about my first housing officer. This will probably be in my usual style of autobiographical stories.
After which, I am going to go straight into my complaint about my housing officer, including any evidence I currently have.
This entry is to say thank you to everybody who read todays post. I know I am very rusty at writing, and that this is not gripping subject matter, however I need to get it out there, and as quickly as I can, so I apologise that my writing is probably not going to improve while I detail everything that I have been through with Torus Housing, as my focus is on getting it written and published, but I hope you will look beyond this for now, and come back to read each post, to support me,
Love as always,
Pixie.
Week 2
Week 2/4
Week starting- Monday 8th November 2022
Thursday
4 hours 28 minutes
Saturday
5 hours 50 minutes
Total hours done= 10 hours 18 minutes
Total pages done= 14
Week 1
Week 1/4
Week starting – Monday the 1st of November 2022
Tuesday
4 hours and 3 minutes
Wednesdays
4 hours 28 minutes
Saturday
2 hours 21 minutes7
Sunday
3 hours 16 minutes
Total hours done= 14 hours 10 minutes
Total pages written= 3 1/2
For the next five weeks, I am afraid the only writing journal posts I will have for you will be,
I apologise for this, but I wont be writing my plan for December until next week – Week starting Monday 5th December 2022. Though I am behind on this months planning, I am actually getting back into things quicker that I thought, and un until now have just been going with the flow, while juggling- my Sunday autobiographical posts, my origami videos and my cross stitching. Honestly, I did not even think my writing journal would be back so soon. Even though I’m sorry the first few weeks won’t be fully what you are used to, hopefully after that the Wednesday posts will be better than ever.
Love,
Pix
Trigger warning- detail about suicidal thoughts and sexual assault.
Hi,
I am writing this out without any forethought or any editing after, because I suppose it is simply just a journal entry, a spewing out of my current thoughts onto the internet where one day they might help someone else.
Disclaimer, I’m very mentally unwell right now so I apologise if this is rambley or confusing in anyway.
Also, I am currently still not blogging and am taking a break from social media, as I am trying to withdraw from having contact with society as much as possible so that I my illnesses can not be triggered because of how severely ill I am right now.
It’s so weird writing this and knowing that when you read this I might be speaking to you from beyond the grave. Woooooo. I’m behind you. Boo.
No, I’m not really, I’m far too busy doing Ouija board tricks for caffeinated drinks and sugary snacks, or being the cool ghost that scares the teenagers that venture into my graveyard at night.
However you can also hire me to make your walls bleed or play with your kids toys, I take payment in caffeine and sugar, thank you.
If you don’t know me already, I am Pixie Vannucci and I am classed as a severely disabled person. I am disabled by mental illness. I have co morbid borderline personality disorder, adjustment disorder, and non epileptic attack disorder. For the last couple of years I have been advocating for destigmatisation and better understanding of complex and stigmatised mental illnesses, as well as against appropriating and faking of mental illness.
Appropriating and faking of mental illness is a very big problem which comes from this untrue narrative that our society puts out that everybody suffers with and struggles with their metal health all the time and in equal ways.
In fact the entire reason that I am writing this post is to hopefully stop faking and appropriation of mental illness, or at least make people understand mental health is actually not the same as mental illness and/or disability related to mental illness.
In 2018 I lost my job because my employer refused to give me disability adjustments because, “everyone struggles with mental health, so we cant give you special treatment.”
I have since been put in disability inappropriate accommodation for the same reason. And I am going to very likely die in this disability inappropriate accommodation for the same reason.
I have stress related seizures which can be triggered by different things, but the big two are noise and visual stimulation. I have been put in a flat with noisy neighbours above me and next door to me. I have been forced to have seizures for four years because my neighbours right to be anti social is apparently greater than my right not to have seizures. If I fall during one of these seizures I could smash my head open or break my neck etc and die.
For almost the same amount of time it has been triggering my suicidal episodes. I am a two time suicide survivor and my last attempt was about three months before they moved me into this flat. A flat they knew had antisocial behaviour including lots of noise, where they knew I would need rat poison and where there are plenty of places for me to hang myself that actually don’t need to be there, and wouldn’t be there if they had given me disability appropriate accommodation.
However non of that really matters anymore as the noise is now triggering the thoughts that don’t feel like mine, which can control me. These thoughts tell me to do things such as set myself on fire, cut my throat and jump in front of lorries. I am not telling you these things to upset you or shock you. I am telling you so that you understand the seriousness of my situation.
The people who can help me wont. This is my housing association, the police, and the local council. In fact they are actually really very dangerously ablest and just threaten to have me sectioned which really wouldn’t help me, when I ask for help with moving out of this flat and making it safe for me while I wait to move. Let me be very clear on this, being sectioned because I am disabled and have no disability equality is in itself disability inequality, I should have the same rights as a physically disabled person to life a safe, free and independent life, and sectioning me because I have no equality rights as a mentally disabled person really is just going to want to make me die more, like the fact that the police can just hit me “for my own good”does. Also being in hospital is not just bad for people with bpd, being constantly surrounded by other sick people isn’t going to help me, and if they decide I am still a danger to myself so they need to watch me all the time so therefore watch me shower and shit, as someone who has survived rape and sexual assaults several times, that probably just going to cause me to come straight out of hospital and make another attempt on my life.
What I desperately need right now, right at this very moment is not just to be alone in my own flat and rest, but to have peace and quiet and know that there is no danger of my neighbours upstairs or next door making noise, and as they have been approached about the noise several times the only thing that is going to stop them is them being moved out right now.
Then I need to be moved from this flat into disability appropriate accommodation as soon as possible so that I can start to get myself well enough for therapies.
Every time my neighbours next door or upstairs make noise now even for a second that is enough to trigger one or multiple episodes straight away because of the stress living here for four years has caused me.
I am very scared, and I truly believe that I am going to die because of this flat and soon.
So, I have made a very hard decision. I have always been afraid of people seeing my dead body. I don’t know why I just have. Despite that I am giving any anti suicide or mental “health” charity, except mind because they really do push stigma and encourage people to fake and appropriate, permission to show my body if I die by suicide, seizure or accident in this flat, which I believe due to the nature of the violent suicidal urges I have will be in an awful state to show the state of my body to campaign against people who ARE NOT MENTALLY ILL OR DISABLED BY MENTAL ILLNESS appropriating and faking mental illness for any reason but especially to get them special treatment.
What I mean by this is things like time off work but also an issue that is going to contribute to my death. People who need to move home for any reason including physical disability (and listen I do believe people with physical disabilities need to be made a rehousing priority too but based on their real circumstances, real disability and real symptoms) saying they are suffering with poor mental health and are suicidal due to their housing situation WHEN THEY AREN’T. Listen, if they seriously are suicidal its fine for them to tell the truth. The purpose of this post is because I want to help the genuinely suicidal. But its not fine for them to lie to make themselves a priority.
I keep being told that there are people with physical disability who are suicidal because they need appropriate accommodation which if they are telling the truth they do need rehousing, however if they are saying this to be made a priority then its not ok because they are being made a priority not just above other physically disabled people who are telling the truth and not lying to get special treatment, but above people like me whose disability causes them to be suicidal and who have tried to take their own life in the past, that are stuck in unsuitable accommodation that is triggering their suicidal or life threatening episodes.
Society has said its fine for the well to appropriate mental illness to gain whatever they want and its not.
I’m sick of seeing this being encouraged by both people who use it for social media “clout” and mental health “campaigners” who say things like its ok to not be ok. Listen I get the sentiment they’re trying to push but as a person severely disabled by mental illness I can tell you that it is not ok to not be ok. Yes you are allowed to not be ok if you are really not ok, but it is not ok for you to not be ok. You should have access to help and support and unfortunately you wont get it because everyone who is ok is talking about how they aren’t ok and taking up resources the people who genuinely aren’t ok need to be ok, while also drowning out our voices and excluding us from the conversation around mental health, wellbeing, illness, and disability simply because we are actually ill and disabled.
People disabled by mental illness like me are not only losing our jobs because we are disabled, we are losing our lives.
I truly hope that I do come out of this alive, and I am fighting to, I promise.
But if I do die, I want my advocacy work to live on, because its never been just about me. In fact it would be easier for me to live my life keeping my disabilities a secret and fighting privately, but I chose not to do that along time ago, for all the people who have already lost their lives needlessly due to inequality, police brutality, poor medical services and faking and appropriation, and who will in the future if nobody does something to change things.
If I leave any message for the world I want it to be that misunderstanding, stigma, inequality, and faking and appropriating mental illness KILLS.
And honestly I think people have become so detached from the reality of suicide, I mean we cant even say the word on social media, let alone talk about its causes and effects, that they no longer understand it’s a real thing unless they have actually been personally touched by it. People have to find their loved ones bodies in terrible states after suicide and those of us who know what its truly like to be suicidal often attempt suicide in places and ways where our loved ones will never have to see us afterwards.
I think the world is full of compassionateless selfish people who are well and know they are well but just love the benefits saying they are stressed, anxious and even suicidal gets them.
And I think they need to see the reality of their actions.
I think they need to see the reality of what a body looks like after someone takes their own live, someone who asked for help because they were genuinely mentally ill and got told they couldn’t have special treatment because a well person was saying they felt suicidal to jump a queue or get time off work etc. Because it is not special treatment if we need it to help us manage or survive our disability. Saying it is, is like saying people who get to use wheel chairs are getting special treatment because you get tired walking and therefore demanding a wheel chair when there is nothing wrong with you and leaving an immobile person to literally starve to death in their own home because you took the last wheelchair.
You can see the evidence that I have managed to get of the noise nuisance, some of which I have already submitted and/or tried to submit to my landlord but have been told “its not good enough because Im filming it on my phone” but which a couple of random strangers have been able to name songs from, on youtube so it cant be that bad, but guess what if it is and they know that the cause of that is in fact my mobile phone there is a volume button on their computer that they can use to off set the lowness of the recording because its being recorded on a phone which they clearly know gives a lower recording than other devices made specifically to record.
Other than that I will be fighting my battle privately now until one of three things happens, they move me, they move my neighbours for my safety, or I lose my battle with my several disabilities.
I hope to write again in the future. I hope to see you all and talk to you in the future. But please know if I don’t that your support meant a lot to me. And there are still people out there like me who need it desperately.
Pix x
P.S- If I survive this and you are a mental illness or suicide prevention charity please get in touch with me. I have been in and out of out patient and in patient care for my mental health since I was 14 or 15, thats 20 years, and I know other people in the same situation, I can tell you exactly what is wrong with our mental health systems/s. I can also tell you exactly what is wrong with our disability rights towards the mentally ill when it comes to housing and work etc. And I can tell you all about the stigma and disinformation, and lack of education that also leads to unnecessary suffering and death.
It is time we helped increase the volume of the voices of those who truly suffer with mental illness and disability caused by mental illness above those who don’t as we can not only bring about real and meaningful changes for the mentally ill and disabled but those who truly are also suffering with mental health and well being issues.
Blog posts done
Week starting
Monday, 18 April 2022
-Sunday autobiographical X1
-Saturday post X 1
-Writing journals X2
-Writing schedules X2
-Writing overviews X2
-(Indecipherable X2)
-Monthly overview for hours X 1
-Monthly overview for blog posts X1
-Dictionary corners X4
-Commonly confused words X2
-Alternative words x16
-Running journal X 1
-Running schedule X 1
-Running overview X 1
-Monthly running overview X 1
-Running plan X 1
-Fabrics X3
Hours
Owed= O
Planed =15
Total hours to do =15
Extra hours done= 13 hours 31 minutes
Total hours done =28 hours 31 minutes
Week starting
Monday, 18 April 2022
Schedule planned
Monday – 3 hours
Tuesday – 3 hours
Wednesday – 3 hours
They say – 3 hours
Friday – 3 hours
Saturday – rest day
Sunday – rest day
Done
Monday – 5 hours 30 minutes
Tuesday – 2 hours 48 minutes
Wednesday – 3 hours
Thursday – 1 hour 40 minutes
Friday – 5 hours
Saturday – 5 hours 9 minutes
Sunday – 6 hours 20 minutes
Monday, 18 April 2022
On Monday morning, I can’t sleep so I try to write.
I complete 2 hours 40 minutes of emotional rambling, then comment that I think I might be having an episode, and I can’t believe I even managed to do what I have done, as I am completely out of it on both Co-Codamol – because of my messed up shoulder back and side, and antipsychotics. Also, my eyes hurt so bad I couldn’t see properly.
However, when I still can’t sleep, I do another 2 hours and 50 minutes of writing.
5 hours 30 minutes total writing.
Tuesday, 19 April 2022
2 hours 48 minutes writing.
Wednesday, 20th April 2022
3 hours writing done.
Finished
1X Sunday autobiographical blog post
1X Saturday post
Thursday, 21 April 2022
1 hour 27 minutes
17 minutes
Total writing Done 1 hour 44 minutes
Friday, 22 April 2022
4 hours writing
Saturday, 23 April 2022
On Sunday morning when I can’t sleep I do one hour writing.
Then I tried to sleep.
Do you another 39 minutes of writing before managing to sleep.
When I wake up I do 1 hour 25 minutes of writing.
Then later I do 2 hours five minutes.
Total time spent writing was 5 hours 9 minutes.
Sunday, 24 April 2022
Sunday morning while I can’t sleep, I do 1 hour 54 minutes writing
During Sunday daytime, I keep forgetting to set my timer, but I do record intervals of 1 hour
2 hours 26 minutes
1 hour
Total recording time writing was 6 hours 20 minutes
I complete
– 2X writing journals
– 2X writing schedules
– 2X writing overviews
– 2X indecipherable
– 1X monthly overview for hours
– 1X overview for monthly blog posts completed
– 1X monthly writing plan
–4X dictionary corner
–2X commonly confused words
–16 X alternative words
–1X Morning Journal
–1X running schedule
–1X running overview
–1X monthly overview
–1X monthly running plan
–3X fabric
Week starting
Monday, 11 April 2022
Days – 3
laps –12
Mouse run – 4.986
Miles walk – 12.6
Total miles – 22.572
Week starting
Monday, 11 April 2022
Planned
Monday -run
Tuesday – rest day
Wednesday – run
Thursday – rest day
Friday – run
Saturday – rest day
Sunday – run
Done
Monday – one lap of, two minutes running, three minutes walking
Two laps of, one minute running 30 seconds walking
– one lap of walking
Tuesday – resting
Wednesday – no run. no note
Thursday – 1 lap off, 2 minute running, 3 minutes walking.
-2 laps of, one minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
-1 lap of, walking
Friday – rest day
Saturday -1 lap off, 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking
-2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
-1 lap of, walking
Sunday – rest day
Monday, 11 April 2022
-1 lap of, 2 minute running, 3 minutes walking
-2 laps of – 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
-1 lap of, walking
My first lap felt very hard.
Tuesday, 12 April 2022
Rest day.
Wednesday, 13 April 2022
No run.
No notes.
Thursday, 4 April 2022
-1 lap off, 2 minute running, 3 minutes walking.
-2 laps of, one minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
-1 lap of, walking
Friday, 15 April 2022
Rest day
Saturday, 16 April 2022
-1 lap off, 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking
-2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
-1 lap of, walking
Sunday, 17 April 2022
Rest day.
Blog posts completed
Week starting
Monday, 11 April 2022
-5X dictionary Corner
-14X alternative words
-2X alternative word redone
-2X commonly confused words
-1X commonly confused words tips
-2X running journal
-2X running schedule
-2X running overview
-1X running guide
-1X Sunday autobiographical post
-1X writing journal
-1X writing schedule
-1x writing overview
-1X completed list (??)
-1X fabric
-1X fabric update
Hours and Days
Week starting
Monday, 11 April 2022
Hours owed =0
Hours planned = 15
Total hours to do = 15
Extra hours done = 8 hours 3 minutes
Total hours done = 23 hours 3 minutes
Owed = 0
Week starting
Monday, 11 April 2022
Planned
Monday – 3 hours
Tuesday – 3 hours
Wednesday – 3 hours
Thursday – 3 hours
Friday – 3 hours
Saturday – rest day
Sunday – rest day
Done
Monday – 4 hours 12 minutes
Tuesday – 1 hour 57 minutes
Wednesday – 1 hour 3 minutes
Thursday – 2hours 20 minutes
Friday – 4 hours
Saturday – 3 hours 31 minutes
Sunday – 6 hours
Monday, 11 April 2022
2 hours of writing done before my run.
2 hours 12 minutes of writing done after my run.
Total writing done = 4 hours 12 minutes
Tuesday, 12 April 2022
1 hour 57 minutes of writing done.
Finished
-3X dictionary corner
-8X alternative words
-2X redone alternative words
-1X commonly confused words
-1X commonly confused words tips
-1X running journal
-1X running schedule
-1X running overview
Wednesday, 13 April 2022
1 hour 3 minutes writing done.
Thursday, 14 April 2022
2 hours 20 minutes
Finished
-1X running guide
Friday, 15 April 2022
4 hours of writing done.
Saturday, 16 April 2022
3 hours 31 minutes of writing done.
Finished
-1X Sunday autobiographical
Sunday, 17 April 2022
3 hours 5 minutes
1 hour 15 minutes
1 hour 5 minutes
Total time writing = 6 hours
Finished
-1X writing journal
-1X writing schedule
-1X writing overview
-1X completed list (??)
-1X commonly confused words
-2X dictionary Corner
-6X alternative words
-1X running journal
-1x running schedule
-1X running overview
-1X fabric
-1X fabric update
Week starting –
Monday, 4 April 2022
No overview for this week because I was very well.
Planned
Monday-Rest day
Tuesday-1 lap of, 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking
-2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
-1 lap walking
Wednesday-Rest day
Thursday-1 lap of, 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking
-2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
-1 lap walking
Friday-Rest day
Saturday-1 lap of, 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking
-2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
-1 lap walking
Sunday-Rest day
Done
Monday- rest day
Tuesday- No run. No notes
Wednesday- 1/2 lap of 2 minutes running 3 minutes walking
-1 lap of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds running
Thursday- rest day
Friday- Responsible no run day
Saturday- Responsible no run day
Sunday- Responsible no run day
Monday, 4 April 2022
On Monday, I don’t go for a run, because I have several personal problems that exploded, causing me to become more stressed and depressed than normal, which by the time I finish dealing with I was too tired and hungry to even think about going for my run.
Tuesday, 5 April 2022
Although I can’t remember why I didn’t go for a run on Tuesday, I do remember that I wanted to go at 11 pm, but it was too late.
Wednesday, 6 April 2022
I feel so bad mentally on Wednesday. This paired with how desperately I wanted to go running yesterday night, makes me believe that a run will do me good.
It makes me much worse.
The problem with running, is that it can isolate you with your thoughts. When you are already feeling stressed, depressed, and agitated, this can be a recipe for disaster.
I kept stopping to vent tweet, so I wasn’t having a productive run anyway. So, when I realise I’m feeling suicidal, I do the responsible thing, stop my run and walk home, instead of trying to push through because I’m already out.
It is at this point I realise I am very disorientated. I could have done either 2 laps, or 3. What I am sure of is, that I did –
-1/2 a lap of – 2 minute running, 3 minutes walking
-1 lap of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
1/2 a lap, walking
Thursday, 7 April 2022
Rest day.
Friday, 8 April 2022
On Friday, I still wasn’t feeling well, so I didn’t go for my run today.
Saturday, 9 April 2022
Repeat of yesterday
Sunday, 10 April 2022
Same as Friday and Saturday.
Blog Posts Completed
Week starting
Monday, 4th April 2022
1 x commonly confused words
2 x dictionary Corner
14 x alternative words
1 x announcement
1 x running overview
1x monthly running plan
1x running guide
1 x sunday autobiographical post
Hours and Days
Week starting –
Monday, 4th April 2022
Hours owed = 0
Planned hours for this week = 15
Total hours of writing to do this week = 15
Additional hours done = 0 hours 21 minutes
Total hours done = 15 hours 12 minutes
Hours owed = 0
5/7 days
But wrong days
Hours all over the place
Week starting –
Monday, 4th April 2022
Planned
Monday – 3 hours
Tuesday – 3 hours
Wednesday – 3 hours
Thursday – 3 hours
Friday – 3 hours
Saturday rest day
Sunday – rest day
Done
Monday – 0
Tuesday – 1 hour 1 minute
Wednesday– 1 hour 12 minutes
Thursday – 4 hours 48 minutes
Friday – 0
Saturday – 5 hours 13 minutes
Sunday – 1 hour 7 minutes
Monday, 4th April 2022
On Monday, I do no writing, because I have several personal problems that explode, causing me to become more stressed and depressed than normal, which by the time I finish dealing with I was too tired and hungry to even think about attempting to do anything else.
Tuesday, 5th April 2022
1 hour, 1 minutes of writing done
Posts completed
⁃ 2 x dictionary corner
⁃ 1 x commonly confused words
⁃ 14 x alternative words
Wednesday, 6th April 2022
1 hour 12 minutes of writing complete
Thursday, 7th April 2022
During the early hours of Thursday morning, while I can’t sleep, I do 1 hour 15 minutes writing.
After I wake up, I do another 4 hours 58 minutes.
Total writing done = 6 hours 48 minutes.
I completed
1 x announcement
1x running overview
1x April running sand
1x running guide
Friday, 8th April 2022
No notes, so I assume no writing done.
Saturday, 9th April 2022
5 hours 13 minutes writing complete
Blog post completed
1x Sunday autobiographical blog post
Sunday, 10th April 2022
1 hour 7 minutes of writing complete
Days- 1
Total laps- 4
Total miles- 6.648
Total miles run- 4.986
Total miles walked- 1.662
Planned
Monday-1 lap of, 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking
-2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
-1 lap walking
Tuesday- Rest day
Wednesday-1 lap of, 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking
-2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
-1 lap walking
Thursday-Rest day
Friday-1 lap of, 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking
-2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
-1 lap walking
Saturday-Rest day
Sunday-1 lap of, 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking
-2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
-1 lap walking
Done
Monday-1 lap of, 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking
-2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
-1 lap walking
Tuesday-Rest day
Wednesday-No run raining
Thursday- No run no notes
Friday- Went to but new running shoes. No run.
Saturday- No run. No notes.
Sunday- No run. No notes.
Monday, 28 March 2022
– 1 lap of, 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking
– 2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
– 1 lap, walking
Tuesday, 29 March 2022
Rest day
Wednesday 30th March 2022
No run.
Raining.
Thursday 31st March 2022
No run.
No notes.
Friday, 1st April 2022
No run.
Went to buy a new running shoes.
Saturday 2nd April 2022
No run.
No notes.
Sunday, 3rd April 2022
No run.
No notes.
Posts completed
2x – word definitions
2x – commonly confused words
3x – alternative words
1x– running journal entry
1x– running schedule
1x– running overview
1x– an announcement
1x– friday guide
1x– an autobiographical post for Sunday
Planned
Monday-3 hours
Tuesday-3 hours
Wednesday-3 hours
Thursday-3 hours
Friday-3 hours
Saturday-Rest day
Sunday-Rest day
Done
Monday- 4 hours 3 minutes
Tuesday- 4 hours 5 minutes
Wednesday- 5 hours 39 minutes
Thursday- 6 hours 8 minutes
Friday- 0
Saturday- 2 hours 8 minutes
Sunday- 0
Monday, 28th March 2022
4 hours 3 minutes writing
Tuesday, 29th March 2022
4 hours 5 minutes writing
Wednesday, 30th March 2022
4 hours 5 minutes, + 1 hour 8 minutes, +26 minutes.
Total writing done = 5 hours 39 minutes
Posts complete
2X – word definitions
2X – commonly confused words
3X – alternative words
Thursday, 31st March 2022
1 hour 37 minutes, +1 hour 18 minutes, +2 hours 16 minutes, +57 minutes
Total writing done = 6 hours 8 minutes
Post completed
– Friday running journal
– Friday running schedule
– Friday running overview
– An announcement
– A Friday running guide
Friday 1st April 2022
No writing.
No notes.
Saturday, 22nd April 2022
2 hours 8 minutes writing.
Posts completed
-Sunday autobiographical
Sunday, 3rd April 2022
No writing.
No notes.
Week one
And
Week two
25th April 22
– 2 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds walking, 3 minutes and 30 seconds walking
– 1 lap of 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking
– 1 lap walking
Week 3
And
Week 4
9 May 2022
– 1 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds walking, 3 minutes and 30 seconds walking
– 2 lap of 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking
– 1 lap walking
Weeks 9 to 12
28th February 2022
To
27th March 2022
Plan
Days = 13
Total miles = 63.156
Total miles to run = 16.7308
Total miles to walk = 46.4476
Done
Day = 9
Total miles = 53.184
Total miles= 13.9241
Total miles walked =39.2599
Comparison
-4 days
-9.972 miles
-2.8067 miles run
-7.1877 walked
Days- 2
Total laps-8
Total miles-13.296
Total miles run-2.9916
Total miles walked-10.3044
Planned
Monday-Rest day
Tuesday-3 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
1 lap walking
Wednesday-Rest day
Thursday-3 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
1 lap walking
Friday-Rest day
Saturday-3 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
1 lap walking
Sunday-Rest day
Done
Monday-Rest day
Tuesday-3 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
1 lap walking
Wednesday-Rest day
Thursday-3 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
1 lap walking
Friday-Rest day
Saturday-No run. No notes.
Sunday-No run. No notes.
Monday, 21st March 2022
No notes, so I assume no run.
Tuesday, 22nd March 2022
-3 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking.
-1 lap walking.
Wednesday 23rd of March 2022
Rest day.
Thursday, 24th March 2022
-3 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
-1 lap walking
Friday, 25th March 2022
Rest day.
Saturday 26th of March 2022
No one. No notes.
Sunday 27th of March 2022
No run. No notes.
Blog post completed
Week 9
28th February 2022
“all Wednesday posts”
“all Friday posts”
Week 10
7th March 2022
No notes of what I completed.
Week 11
14th March 2022
5X – Wednesday writing journals
5X – Wednesday writing schedules
5X – Wednesday writing overview
2X – commonly confused words
8X – word definitions
18X – alternative words
4X – Friday running journals
4X – Friday running schedules
4X – Friday running overviews
One X – guide outtakes
One X – running plan
OneX – Sunday autobiographical blog posts
week 12
Wednesday, March 2022
– running guide
– Sundays autobiographical blog post
May
To focus more on doing 15 hours writing over 5 days, as I am starting to meet my 15 hours writing a week goal, but not at 3 hours a day over 5 days a week target.
Hours
Week 9 to 12
Week 9
28th February 2022
Hours of writing planned =15
Hours of writing owed= 4
Total hours of writing to do = 19
Hours done = 16 hours
Hours owed = 3 hours
Did not meet my overall hour target.
Also did not meet my target of writing for 3 hours a day 5 days a week.
Week 10
7th March 2022
Hours of writing planned = 15
Hours of writing owed = 3
Total hours of writing to do = 18 hours
Total hours of writing done = 21 hours 4 minutes
Hourly goal achieved.
Goal of writing for 3 hours 5 days a week, not achieved
Week 11
14 March 2022
Hours planned planned = 15
Hours done = 24 hours 3 minutes
Targets of 15 hours exceeded, but both my physical and mental health suffered as a result.
Target of writing for t3 hours 5 days a week, not achieved again.
Week 12
21st March 2022
Hours of writing planned =15
Hours of writing dine =18 hours 13 minutes
Target of writing for 15 hours a week achieved.
Target of writing for 3 hours a day 5 days a week not met, still.
Overview target for total hours done achieved 3/4 weeks.
Target for how hours are spread across the week achieved 0/4 weeks.
⁃ Running guide
⁃ Sunday autobiographical blog post
Hours owed from last week- 0
Hours planned for this week- 15
Total hours to do this week- 15
Extra time done- 3 hours 13 minutes
Total Time done- 18 hours 13 minutes
Time owed- 0
Planned
Monday- 3 hours
Tuesday- 3 hours
Wednesday- 3 hours
Thursday- 3 hours
Friday- 3 hours
Saturday-Rest day
Sunday-Rest day
Done
Monday- 2 hours 30 minutes
Tuesday- 4 hours 34 minutes
Wednesday- 4 hours 35 minutes
Thursday- 3 hours
Friday- 3 hours 34 minutes
Saturday- 2 hours
Sunday- No notes.
Monday, 21st March 2022
Monday is an extreme waste of 2 hours 30 minutes of research for my running blog, as I am unable to focus, meaning that the research was disorganised and therefore pointless.
Tuesday, 22nd March 2022
On Tuesday, I work on my blog for 4 hours 34 minutes. I don’t make any notes as to what I work on, but seeing as yesterday I was attempting to do research for my running guide, I imagine it was that I worked on.
Wednesday, 23rd March 2022
Today I do 4 hours 35 minutes writing, I finish my running guide for Friday.
Thursday, 24th March 2022
3 hours of writing done.
Friday, 25th March 2022
While unable to sleep on Friday morning, I do 2 hours 34 minutes of writing.
At some point, I do another hour, but I don’t record when.
I finish Sundays autobiographical blog post.
Saturday, 26th March 2022
2 hours of writing done.
Sunday 27th of March 2022
As I have no notes for Sunday, I assume that I did no writing, but I don’t know why.
Week starting
Monday, 14 March 2022
Plan
Days – 3
Total miles – 19.944
Total miles run– 4.4874
Total miles to walk – 15. 4566
Done
Days – 2
Total miles – 13.296
Total miles run – 2.9916
Total miles walked– 10.3044
Comparison
-1 day
-6.648 total miles
-1.4958 miles run
-5.1522 miles walked
Week starting
Wednesday, 14 March 2022
Planned
Monday – rest day
Tuesday –-3 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
-1 lap, walking
Wednesday –rest day
Thursday –-3 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
-1 lap, walking
Friday – rest day
Saturday –-3 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
-1 lap, walking
Sunday – rest day
Done
Monday – rest day
Tuesday – No run
Wednesday – No run- rain
Thursday –-3 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
-1 lap, walking
Friday – rest day
Saturday –-3 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
-1 lap, walking
Sunday – rest day
Monday, 14th March 2022
No run.
No notes.
Tuesday, 15 March 2022
Wanted to go running, but couldn’t, as my terrible disorganisation meant I had no clean running leggings.
Wednesday 16th of March 2022
No run today, because it was raining.
Thursday 17th of March 2022
-3 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
-1 lap, walking
Friday 18th of March 2022
Rest day
Saturday, 19th March 2022
-3 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 3 minutes 30 seconds walking
-1 lap, walking
Sunday, 20th March 2022
Rest day
Week starting
Monday, 14th March 2022
– Wednesday’s writing journals = 5
– Wednesday’s writing schedules = 5
– Wednesday’s overviews = 5
– Commonly confused words = 2
– Word definitions = 8
–Words do you could use instead of =18
–Friday’s running journals = 4
–Friday’s running schedule = 4
–Friday’s running overview = 4
–Friday running outtakes = 1
– Monthly running plan =1
– Sunday blog posts = 1
Week starting
Monday, 14 March 2022
⁃ Owed from last week =0
⁃ Planned hours for this week = 15 hours
⁃ Total hours to do this week = 15 hours
⁃ Extra hours done = 9 hours 3 minutes
⁃ Total done = 24 hours 3 minutes
Week starting
Monday, 14 March 2022
Planned
Monday – 3 hours
Tuesday – 3hours
Wednesday – 3 hours
Thursday – 3 hours
Friday – 3 hours
Saturday – rest day
Sunday – rest day
Done
Monday – 4 hours
Tuesday – 4hours
Wednesday –1 hour
Thursday – 3 hours 23 minutes
Friday – 4 hours 4 minutes
Saturday – rest day
Sunday – 7 hours 27 minutes
Monday, 14th March 2022
On Monday I wrote for 4 hours, split into 2, 2 hour time slots.
I finished,
– Wednesdays writing journal, schedule, and overview.
– 1 commonly confused words post
– 3 words definition posts
– 6 words you could use instead of posts
– Friday’s running journal, schedule, and overview
– Running outtakes post
– Marches running plan.
Tuesday, 15th March 2022
4 hours of writing done today.
Wednesday, 16th March 2022
Only 1 hour of writing done.
Thursday, 17th March 2022
On Thursday I write for 3 hours 23 minutes.
I finish
-1 Sunday blog post
Friday, 18th March 2022
4 hours 4 minutes of writing done.
Saturday, 19th March 2022
Saturdays notes say I took it as a rest day.
Sunday, 20th March 2022
In total I did 7 hours 27 minutes of writing today, because I was behind.
I felt absolutely destroyed both physically and mentally afterwards.
I finished
– 4 Wednesday journal entries, schedules, and overviews.
– 1 commonly confused words
– 5 word definitions
– 12 words you could use instead of
– 3 running journal schedules
Plans
Days – 3
Laps – 6
Miles total – 9.972
Miles to run-3 .324
Miles to walk – 6.648
Done
Day– 3
Laps – 9
Total miles – 14.958
Total miles run- 4 .423
Total miles walked – 10.535
Comparison
3/3 days
+3 laps
+4.986 total miles
+1.099 miles run
+3.887 miles walked
Planned
Monday – Rest day
Tuesday – 2 laps of 1 minute running 2 minutes walking
Wednesday – Rest day
Thursday – 2 laps of 1 minute running 2 minutes walking
Friday – Rest day
Saturday- 2 laps of 1 minute running 2 minutes walking
Sunday Rest
Done
Monday –
Rest day
Tuesday –
– 1 lap of, 1 minute running 2 minutes walking
– 1 lap of, 1 1/2 minutes running, 3 1/2 minutes walking
– 1 lap of, 1 minute running, 2 minutes walking
– 1 lap walking
Wednesday-
Rest day
Thursday
– 3 laps of, 1 1/2 minutes running, 3 1/2 minute walking
– 1 lap walking.
Friday-
Rest day
Saturday-
Rest day
Sunday-
– 3 laps of 1 1/2 minutes running, 3 1/2 minutes walking
-1 lap walking
Monday 7th March 2022
No run.
No notes.
Tuesday 8th March 2022
– 1 lap of, 1 minute running 2 minutes walking
– 1 lap of, 1 1/2 minutes running, 3 1/2 minutes walking
– 1 lap of, 1 minute running, 2 minutes walking
– 1 lap walking
Wednesday, 9th March 2022
Rest day.
Thursday 10th March 2022
– 3 laps of, 1 1/2 minutes running, 3 1/2 minute walking
– 1 lap walking
Friday 11th of March 2022
Rest day
Saturday 12th of March 2022
Unplanned rest day, as I’m too tired and my legs are too sore, to go running today because of Thursday’s run.
Sunday 13th of March 2022
When I start running on Sunday I really don’t think that I’m going to be able to complete a single lap, I’m still tired from Thursday’s run, and my legs feel like they are going to fall off below the knee, but once I warm up I am fine.
I complete
– 3 laps of 1 1/2 minutes running, 3 1/2 minutes walking
-1 lap walking
Planned = 15 hours
Owed = 3 hours
Total = 18 hours
Done = 21 hours 4 minutes
Planned
Monday – 3 hours +1 hour
Tuesday – 3 hours +1 hour
Wednesday – 3 hours +1 hour
Thursday –3 hours
Friday – 3 hours
Saturday – rest day
Sunday – rest day
Actually done
Monday – 2 hours
Tuesday – 2 hours 20 minutes
Wednesday – 3 hours 41 minutes
Thursday – 3 hours 44 minutes
Friday – 2 hours 40 minutes
Saturday – 5 hours 47 minutes
Sunday – 5 hours 37 minutes
Monday 7th March 2022
2 hours writing from midnight until 2 am (again). Worked on Wednesday’s post.
Tuesday 8th March 2022
2 hours 20 minutes, researching sports bra.
Wednesday 9th March 2022
Wrote for 3 hours 41 minutes.
Thursday 10th March 2022
3 hours 44 minutes writing done.
Friday 11th of March 2022
2 hours 40 minutes, worked on Sunday blog post.
Saturday 12th of March 2022
5 hours 47 minutes working on Sunday blog post.
Sunday 13th of March 2022
4 hours 37 minutes writing done. Notes are an undecipherable mess.
Weeks 5 to 8
31 January 2022
To
27 February 2022
Unofficial running months, the same as January, so no overview, but there will be one for March.
Plan
No plan
Actually done
Nothing
Wednesday 21st of February 2023
To
Sunday 27th of February 2022
No run all week.
No notes all week
Think we had bad weather.
Hi guys,
I’m really sorry, but I somehow mixed up last weeks and this weeks running journal entries.
It’s the first time I have made a mistake like this, and I’ll try my best not to make it again.
Weeks 5 to 8
2022 started out as a complete disaster when it came to note taking, so I decided, as you have probably noticed, to strip it back to the bare minimum, then start to build it back up.
This means that at this point, the only thing that I was consistently achieving (if you don’t count forgetting to start my timer) is taking notes of how long I wrote for.
I failed on everything else, including my goal of writing for three hours a day, five days a week.
Week 1
31st March 22
Done 18 hours 27 minutes
Week 2
7th February 2022
Done 7 hours 45 minutes
Week 3
14th February 2022
Done 19 hours 11 minutes
Week 4
21st February 2022
Done 14 hours 10 minutes
Total hours done -59 hours 33 minutes
Owed -27 minutes
Planned = 15 hours
Owed = 4 hours
Total =19 hours
Done= 16 hours
Owed= 3 hours
Planned
Monday – 3 hours +1 hour
Tuesday – 3 hours +1 hour
Wednesday – 3 hours +1 hour
Thursday – 3 hours +1 hour
Friday – 3 hours
Saturday – rest day
Sunday – rest day
Actually done
Monday – 3 hours
Tuesday – 4 hours
Wednesday – 4 hours
Thursday – 3 hours
Friday – 3 hours
Saturday – 0
Sunday – 0
Monday 28th February 2022
3 hours of writing done.
Tuesday 1st March 2022
2 hours 30 minutes of writing done.
Completed all Wednesday and Friday’s post.
Plus 1 hour 30 minutes trying to sort out Saturdays post.
Total hours done = 4 hours
Wednesday second of March 2022
3 hours spent working on my Saturday post. I get hardly anything done because all I have is my mobile phone and mobile data, so it takes me hours just to up load a couple of videos.
Thursday 3rd March 2020
3 hours working on dirty scrabble.
Friday 4th March 2022
3 hours writing done.
Finishing Sundays post and worked on Wednesday’s post.
Saturday 5th March 2022
No writing done.
No notes
Sunday 6th March 2022
No writing done.
No notes.
Hi guys, I just wanted to address the fact that for the last two weeks I’ve gone off topic and done to small mini guides for beginners. I will be returning to my planned posts about running clothes hopefully in the next couple of weeks, before moving on to more in depth guides on the topics covered in these mini posts, and much more, as I do my research.
The reason I’ve gone slightly off topic, is because I work a month a head on my journals but not my guides, and so as my blog has caught up to my first offical week of running and, the weather is improving here in the UK, meaning more people might be consisering taking up running. I just wanted to put put a couple of guides based on my own experience last year, to hopefully help people realise they need to take health and safety seriously when starting a new running routine and encourage a more gradual, relaxed and hopefully enjoyable experience for beginners.
Plans
Days – 4
Laps – 8
Miles – 13.296
Miles to run– 4.432
Miles to walk – 8.864
Done
Days – 2
Laps – (estimated – 7)
Miles – (estimated – 11.634)
Miles run – (estimated – 3.5179)
Miles walked – (estimated – 8.1161)
comparison
-1 day
-1 lap
-1.662 miles
-0.915 miles run
– 0.748 miles walked
Planned
Monday – 2 laps of, 1minute running, 2 minute walking
Tuesday – rest day
Wednesday – 2 laps, 1 minute running, 2 minutes walking
Thursday – rest day
Friday – two laps of one minute running, two minutes walking
Saturday rest day
Sunday – 2 laps of 1 minute running 2 minutes walking
Done
Monday – No run
Tuesday – 2 laps of 1minute running, 2 minutes walking
Wednesday –Rest day
Thursday – no run
Friday – (laps unknown, but at the very least it would’ve been 2, so that’s what I’ll count) of 1 minute running, 2 minutes walking
Saturday – rest day
Sunday – 1 lap of, 1 minute running 2 minutes walking
-1 1/2 laps of one minute running 3 1/2 minutes walking
-1/2 a lap of walking
Monday, 28 February 2022
Monday is my first official running day of 2022, yet I don’t go for my run, and I make no notes.
Tuesday, 1 March 2022
Today I was really struggling on my run, so I wasn’t in the mood for the rude idiots I encountered, both of who were walking dogs.
I had only just started my run, when a woman let a huge dog, that was bigger than me, run out of the dog park, across a road, and jump on me from the back right hand side. Honestly, I have no idea how it didn’t knock me over.
Then not even half a lap later, a man let his two shits shitzus on leads dart out in front of me almost tripping me with their leads.
I completed – 2 laps of, 1 minute running, 2 minutes walking
Wednesday, 2 March 2022
Rest day.
Thursday 3 March 2022
No run.
No notes.
Friday, 4 March 2022
Another run in the dark.
I completed- an unknown amount of laps, because I forgot to note them, of 1 minute running, 2 minutes walking.
Saturday, 5 March 2022
Rest day.
Sunday, 6 March 2022
Almost hit by bike.
I completed-
⁃ lap of 1 minute running 2 minutes walking
-1 1/2 laps of 1 1/2 minute runnings 3 1/2 minutes walking
-1/2 lap of walking
Planned = 15 hours
Owed = 3 hours 4 minutes
Total = 8 hours 4 minutes
Done = 14 hours 10 minutes
owed (rounded off) =4 hours
Planned
Monday – 3 hours +37 minutes
Tuesday – 3 hours +37 minutes
Wednesdays – 3 hours +87 minutes
Thursday – 3 hours +37 minutes
Friday – 3 hours +37 minutes
Saturday – rest day
Sunday – rest day
Actually done
Monday – 4 hours
Tuesday – 0
Wednesday – 2 hours 10 minutes
Thursday – rest day
Friday – rest day
Saturday – 3 hours
Sunday – 5 hours
Monday 21st of February 2022
4 hours.
Worked on Wednesday’s blog post.
Tuesday 22nd of February 2022
No writing.
No notes.
Wednesday 23rd of February 2022
Wrote for 2 hours 10 minutes
Thursday 24th of February 2022
First of 2 rest days, as I was mentally and physically worn out from writing.
Friday 25th of February 2022
Second rest day
Saturday 22nd of February 2022.
3 hours
Worked on Wednesday’s post.
Sunday 27th of February 2022
When I can’t sleep on Saturday night/Sunday morning, I spent 2 hours writing.
During Sunday I write for another 3 hours, working on both Wednesday and Fridays blog post.
Planned
No plan
Actually done
Unknown
Monday 14th February 2022
No run.
No notes
Tuesday 15th of February 2022
It’s cold and dark when I finally manage to get out for my run on Tuesday.
When I reach the 1/4 point of my first lap, the street is empty – meaning no cars or people – except for one man, who decides it’s appropriate to cheer me on as soon as I pass him.
Obviously, the burst of noise right by me frightens me, but it also leaves me shaken for the rest of the run, as it reminds me just how vulnerable I am.
The shock means that when I get home, I forget to note my laps and times.
Wednesday 16th of February 2022
Wednesday is a rest day.
Thursday 17th of February 2022
two
Sunday 20th of February 2022
No run.
No notes, but I think we had bad weather these days.
Planned hours = 15 hours
Hours owed from last week = 7 hours 15 minutes
Total to do = 22 hours 15 minutes
Done = 19 hours 11 minutes
Hours owed = 4 hours 4 minutes
Planned
Monday – 3 hours +1 hour 27 minutes
Tuesday – 3 hours +1 hour 27 minutes
Wednesday – 3hours +1 hour 27 minutes
Thursday – 3 hours +1 hour 27 minutes
Friday – 3 hours +1 hour 27 minutes
Saturday – rest day
Sunday – rest day
Actually done
One day – 0
Tuesday – 4 hours
Wednesday – 4 hours
Thursday – 1 hour 30 minutes
Friday – 0
Saturday – 4 hours
Sunday – 5 hours
Monday 14 February 2022
No writing done.
No notes as to why.
Tuesday 15 February 2022
On Tuesday I spent 4 hours, writing Wednesday’s post.
I’m still forgetting to set my timer when I start writing, or after breaks. This isn’t just frustrating because it means I don’t know how much writing I have done towards my daily, and weekly, goals, it’s frustrating because I am trying to keep track of how much time each post takes me, so I have a better idea of how much writing is actually required to complete my weekly writing goals.
Wednesday 16th February 2022
4 hours 9 minutes writing. Worked on Wednesday’s post.
Thursday 17th of February 2022
Time spent writing recorded, when I actually remembered to set my timer, is 1 hour 31 minutes. I worked on Fridays Post.
Friday 18th of February 2022
No writing done.
No notes.
Saturday 19th February 2022
4 hours writing.
worked on Sunday blog post.
Sunday 20th of February 2022
Sundays notes are a mess, so I can’t say what I worked on, just that I wrote for 5 hours 31 minutes.
I promised to write this last week, I wanted to write it 2-3 weeks ago, but I’ve been busy.
Originally, I really didn’t know what my March plan was going to be, as I thought I could figure it out based on how well my last runs in February went, but then we had some bad storms.
Last week, I decided it would be to be completing 3 to 2 laps, of 1 minute running 2 minutes walking, 3 to 4 times a week, by the end of march.
Yesterday, I decided it’s going to be to complete 3 laps of, 1 minute 30 seconds running and 3 minutes 30 seconds of walking, plus one full lap of walking 3 times a week by the end of march.
My aim is to get out regularly again, and start putting in the miles, while hopefully building up my stamina to a level that starts to get me back to the 60% run 40% walk I was comfortable at last year quickly, so I can pushing myself again.
Laps = 6
Run percentage = 33%
Walk percentage = 66%
Total miles = 9.972
Total miles run = 3.29076
Total miles walked = 6.68124
Plan
No plan
Monday – 2 laps of, 1 minute running 2 minute walking
Done
Tuesday – Rest day
Wednesday – 2 laps, of 1 minute running 2 minutes walking
Thursday – rest day
Friday – 2 laps of, 1 minute running 2 minutes walking
Saturday – rest day
Sunday – rest day
Monday, 7 February 2022
Mondays run isn’t great, not only does it feel pointless because the weather forecast predicts snow next Monday which will force me to take another break, it has rained today so the floor is soaking and slippy.
Plus, I keep getting really bad pains in my chest.
I complete, 2 laps of, 1 minute running 2 minutes walking.
Tuesday 8 February 2022
Tuesday is a rest day.
Wednesday 9 February 2022
Despite it being freezing out on Wednesday, I complete, 2 laps, 1 minute running 2 minutes walking.
Thursday, 10 February 2022
Thursday is a rest day.
Friday 11 February 2022
On Friday I complete, 2 laps of one minute 2 minutes walking.
Saturday, 12 February 2022
Saturdays is a rest day.
Sunday 13 February 2022
Sunday is a rest day.
Planned hours for this week – 15 hours
Hours owed from last week – 0
Total – 15 hours
Done – 7 hours 45 minutes
Next week – 7 hours 15 minutes
Plan
Monday – 3 hours
Tuesday – 3 hours
Wednesday – 3 hours
Thursday – 3 hours
Friday- 3 hour
Saturday – rest day
Sunday – rest day
Actual schedule
Monday – 1 hour 28 minutes
Tuesday – 5 hours 49 minutes
Wednesday – 30 minutes
Thursday – 0
Friday – 0
Saturday – 0
Sunday – 0
Monday 7 February 2022
When I wake up on Monday, I update all my journal notes, where I promise to slay the day.
Then I only do 1 hour 28 minutes of writing, working on my pronation outtakes blog post.
Tuesday, 8 February 2022
On Monday night/Tuesday morning I can’t sleep, as usual. I decide to be productive instead of frustratedly lying in bed trying to sleep and failing, but I don’t want to start anything that will prevent me from sleeping, so I sort out videos on my phone for the Saturday diary entries. I do this for 1 hour 28minutes.
And, I continue with it when I wake up, doing an additional 4 hours 25 minutes.
Wednesday, 9 February 2022
Wednesday is a bad day for writing, as I only do 38 minutes, during which time I work on a the first draft of a Sunday blog post.
However, it’s not as bad as Thursday 10th, Friday 11th, Saturday 12th, Sunday 13th, when although I had writing on my to do list, I crossed none of it out, or wrote any journal notes, meaning I can only assume that I did no writing on these days.
Hello, ladies, girls, women, those of us who have Cooper’s ligaments, and those of you who have breast implants, today’s guide is for you, because today we are talking sports bras.
A quick health and safety note before we begin
If you have breast implants please speak to your surgeon or doctor about what type of sports bra you should wear and why. I am not a doctor, surgeon or personal trainer, and I don’t have and never have had breast implants, I’m just a female sexed person who is trying to get back into running, and who hopes to help others who want to get into running by sharing what I learn along the way, therefore I do not want to compromise your health and/or safety, it is important to me that I don’t.
Please also remember that, all my guides are intended as a starting point for your own research.
With that said, let’s dive in
Whether you choose to wear a sports bra or not remains your choice. Your body is yours, like with any clothing you choose to wear, or activity you choose to take part in, what sport/exercise you do, and what clothing you wear to do it, is your choice.
Personally, I love a good sports bra, and I wouldn’t attempt to do any sport/exercise without wearing one, even low impact/intensity sports. I have done exercise in my normal bra in the past when I have forgotten my sports bra, meaning I have learnt the hard way that no sports bra means no sports for me, and I would class myself as a smaller breasted woman being that I am a B cup. Without wearing one it hurts, I feel uncomfortable, and I can’t perform at all.
But, I am aware that many women don’t like wearing them for many reasons.
While I am not trying to convince or force anybody to wear one (it makes no difference to me, at the end of the day the only person you not wearing a sports bra impacts is you, it’s your body, and your life) this blog post exist to help you make an informed decision.
Although I never go into researching a guide biased, and I do always try to find a balanced opinion, more and more I find myself coming out of the research I do agreeing that the clothes we wear when we exercise does impact our bodies, our performance, and our lives. These items of clothing exist for a reason. If you are experiencing discomfort or pain while you exercise, that your bodies way of alerting you that something is wrong, or that you aren’t doing something right, and you should take notice of that because even mild discomfort could be a warning that you’re putting your health and safety at risk.
The big, and possibly unpopular question, that we need to address both in this blog post, and in our lives if we are physically active women of any type, is whether you should be wearing a sports bra when you exercise for your own health and safety.
As you know, I’m not one to shy away from the unpopular facts, which is why this is the perfect topic for me to tackle.
Sorry girls, the verdict is in, and the answer is a very definite yes.
It doesn’t matter if the activity you are doing is low impact/intensity, if you have small breasts, if you have implants, or if you’re not experiencing any discomfort or pain, everybody conducting studies, and writing articles on this topic, all agree that you should be wearing a sports bra while you exercise, even if some of them tiptoe around the subject to do it.
I promise, I really did go in hard to find a balanced opinion on this topic, more so because of my personal love of sports bras. I found only single source that appeared to offer me that at the beginning as it opened –
“If you’re not uncomfortable physically, it’s probably not going to harm you.”
…
“One workout without a bra isn’t going to make any significant changes.”
Yet, by the end of the article it was advising that if (like me) you find that you have forgotten your sports bra, and your only choice is to wear one or taking a financial hit, then you should modify your exercise on this occasion to low impact/intensity, and next time make sure that you don’t forget your sports bra.
And, no, Apparently wearing a regular bra during sport is no better than going braless.
He is a simplified answer, as I understand it, as to why you should be wearing a sports bra during exercise if you are a female sexed person.
Our breasts contain no muscle. Breasts are made entirely from glandula and fatty tissue. They are both connected to our bodies and held in place only by skin and ligaments. These ligaments, which are apparently very delicate, as is the skin on our breasts, are called Cooper’s ligaments. Both the skin on our breasts, and our coopers ligaments can be affected by gravity alone, therefore need support. They both require extra support when you are engaging in physical activity. There are also a lot of sensitive nerves in our breasts that can be affected by “aggressive” movement and activity.
What are the risks associated with not wearing a correct sports bra during exercise?
Without the correct support, regardless of how much they actually weigh, the weight of your breast will cause you to
– Bend forward
And can pull
– you
– or your head forward
it can also
– round your shoulders
(this can lead to,
– discomfort
– pain
– incorrect posture.)
Exercising without adequate breast support can cause,
– diminished performance
– poor performance
– discomfort
– soreness
– pain
– breast pain
– back pain
– neck pain
– headaches
– poor posture
– stretched skin
-stretch marks
– sagging breasts
– drooping breasts
– strain on your ligament
– stretched ligament
– back problems
– neck problem
– tissue damage
-nipple fissures
(also known as joggers nipples. The symptoms of nipple fishes include,
– discomfort
– pain in the nipple
– soreness in the nipple
– redness
– chafing
– bleeding
– scabbing).
What are the benefits of wearing an adequate sports bra?
An adequate sports bra will,
– aid your performance
– allow you to push yourself
– keep your weight well distributed
– help your breasts maintain their shape
it will also support
– your Cooper’s ligaments
– your breasts
– the skin on your breast
While preventing
– discomfort
– soreness
– pain
– sagging
– drooping
– stretch marks
– stretched skin
-stretched ligament
How do you know if a sports bra is adequate
There are two things that you need to consider when you’re choosing a sports bra.
The first is what activities you will be doing while wearing your bra.
There are three different types of impact/intensity that you can choose from, low, medium, and high.
Low to medium impact/intensity sports bras are usually compression sports bras, meaning that they are what most of use probably imagine when we think of a sports bra, they are what are disgustingly referred to as “uni boob” sports bras. They are typically cup less, and work by compressing your breasts tightly against your chest wall, therefore restricting your breasts from moving.
Low impact/intensity sports are activities such as Weight training, most yoga, and even walking.
Medium impact/intensity sports are activities such as cycling and dancing, and surprisingly includes skiing.
High impact/intensity sports bras are usually encapsulated sports bras. These have a defined cup structure, meaning their shape typically resembles a standard bra. They work by supporting each breast individually.
However, some high impact/intensity sports bras combine both encapsulated and compression methods to maximise support.
You can even get additional features you normally wouldn’t find on a sports bra on high impact/intensity sports bras, such as underwire and adjustable straps.
Despite cycling falling into the medium impact/intensity category, some biking sports such as mountain biking fall into the high impact/intensity category.
Other high impact/intensity sport includes activities such as aerobics and running.
This means that, regardless of your breast size, if you are planning on running in your sports bra you should consider investing in a high impact/intensity one.
In fact, the two activities that put the most strain on your Cooper’s ligaments are jumping and running.
When we run our breasts move in a figure eight shape, and can move up and down by up to 8 cm.
Low to medium impact/intensity sports bras Will reduce bounce, but they won’t prevent the side to side movement of our breasts as we run.
It is suggested that because we change the way we run depending on what type of sports bra we are wearing, an adequate sports bra will help us move our body in a more preferable way when we run, as it affects everything from the more obvious areas such as our arms and torso, to less obvious areas such as our pelvises.
The second thing to consider is how the sports bra fits you.
It’s estimated that 80%, or 4 out of 5, women, are wearing the wrong size bra.
Wearing a well fitted sports bra will reduce the friction caused by the fabric of your clothing rubbing against your skin, and as a result will reduce your likeliness of experiencing nipple fissures, especially if you run long distances.
If you are a D cup or above, it is recommended that you wear a high impact/intensity level bra even if you are doing low impact/intensity level sports. This is because exercise induced breast pain is five times more likely in athletes who have medium to large breasts, and the chances that you will start suffering from it increase with every year you age.
My personal advice would be to start by getting a professional bra measuring done, then go from there
Like when buying any clothing item, you need to remember that not all brands or types of bras are going to fit you even if they are your size, so you are probably going to have to try several brands and types to find the best fit.
While wearing your a sports bra there are several ways to tell if it fits you correctly and is going to provide you with enough support.
A well fitted sports bra should actually feel comfortable, and shouldn’t dig, or cut into your skin. It also shouldn’t leave gashes, or indentations, in your skin once you remove it.
If the cup of the bra has wrinkles in it, then it’s likely too big for you, as it should be smooth and comfortably snug.
Alternatively, if your breasts are spilling out of the top, sides, or cup in general, then the cup size is too small for you.
With the straps you should be able to fit one or two fingers under it at the shoulder. Any more than that and they are too big for you. This is the same for the band that goes around your torso, which should sit just below your breasts. Any underwire should be flat against your skin and shouldn’t pinch you.
Another test you can do is to jump around and wave your arms around, or do a skipping rope jumping motion for 20 – 30 seconds. This will give you a good idea as to whether your breasts are adequately supported, whether the straps are too loose, and whether it’s going to stay in place.
Lift your hands above your head. If the band rises up on you, and the bra has no adjustable straps or back enclosure that fixes the issue, then the bra is too big for you.
Sports bras with straps that cross at the back are often better at staying in place, but may not give you adequate support if you have medium or large breasts.
Other things to consider when buying a sports bra
When buying sports bras it is best to avoid bras that have been unnecessarily beautified. For example, an intricately woven strap design might look nice, but it might also affect the support, comfort, and overall practicality of the bra.
Most sports bras are made from materials that wick away sweat and keep you cool, but it’s best to check that this is the case before you by it.
Taking care of your sports bra
A sports bra will normally lasts 30 – 40 washes
However technical fabrics may become less effective with every wash as they tend to loosen.
-Washing it in cold water
and avoiding
-Fabric softener
-and bleach
will give your sports bra longer lifespan.
As heat accelerates elastic degradation, you should avoid tumble drying your sports bra, and should lay it flat to dry.
Once your sports bra begins to rub or chafe then it’s time for a new one.
Monday 31st January 2022
To
Sunday 6th February 2022
Planned
No plan
Done
Nothing done
Monday 31st January 2022
To
Sunday 6th February 2022
No running done this week
Hours owed from January – 2hours 11 minutes
Target for this week – 15 hours
Hours total for writing I need to do this week = 17 hours 11 minutes
Done = 18 hours 27 minutes
Because I made up the 2 hours and 11 minutes that I owed from January this week, I don’t need to add it to marches hours.
Planned
Monday – 3 hours
Tuesday – 3 hours
Wednesday – 3 hours
Thursday- 3 hours
Friday – 3 hours
Saturday – Rest day
Sunday – Rest day
Done
Monday – 3 hours 42 minutes
Tuesday – 3 hours 9 minutes
Thursday – 0
Friday – 4 hours 40 minutes
Saturday -0
Sunday – 4 hours 34 minutes
Monday 31st January 2022
On Monday, while I can’t sleep, during the early hours of the morning, I decide to do some writing.
I write for 1 hour 3 minutes, and work on my Wednesday posts.
Monday was the day that I was supposed to speak to the newspaper. They don’t call. Despite waiting all afternoon for a phone call that never happens, which still leaves me feeling extra unwell mentally, then needing to do other stuff, I do manage to fit in some writing.
I write for 2 hours 39 minutes, and work on Wednesdays blog post.
Tuesday 1st February 2022.
Though I don’t make a note of what I write on Tuesday, or how much of the 3 hours 9 minutes I spent working on each, it seems from my to do list that I worked on both Tuesday and Saturdays blog posts.
Wednesday 2nd February 2022
Wednesdays notes are strange, I have a list that simply says –
– wrote for two hours
– don’t remember
– planned Fridays blog post
-research was already done.
The, “I wrote for two hours,” is obvious. I believe the, “Research was already done,” means the research for Friday’s running guide was already done. This would make me believe that the post I planned was my running guide. However I have no idea what “I don’t remember,” means.
Thursday, the 3rd of February 2022
Either I made no entry for Thursday, or it’s missing, so I don’t know why I did no writing today, but regardless, I didn’t.
Friday, 4th February 2022
Friday is quite a good day for writing compared to the rest of this week, I work on a Sunday’s blog post for 4 hours 40 minutes.
Saturday, 5th February 2022
Saturday I continue to work on my Sunday post, however I do it in chunks, around other stuff I need to do. In total I spent 4 hours 22 minutes writing.
Sunday 6th February 2022
On Sunday I don’t journal, but I talk about Sunday when I journal the next day. I write – “It’s like I woke up yesterday and chose violence, because I killed it.”
Reflecting on my notes, I would say I was having a high episode, as although I did well on Sunday, I certainly didn’t kill it. I actually only wrote for 4 hours 34 minutes.
Weeks 1-4
Welcome to my first monthly running overview.
January and February are unofficial months, so these two months we won’t be using the usual format as I had no plan and tried no tips, for this reason I want to keep the overview brief and I’m posting it along with my normal weekly posts instead of giving it its own week.
I will be making my March plans for running next week, so that plan will accompany my next weeks posts.
In January I only did six days of running total, most of which was walking. I did however start to respect my own limits and put in place boundaries for me to follow, such as not going running if I don’t feel mentally well enough.
My aim moving forward is to achieve a healthy balance of pushing myself and allowing myself not to put my health or safety and risk.
My total miles run/walked was 34.902
The majority of this was walking, but as I was experimenting the figures are all over the place and I’m giving myself a rest from calculating the specifics as I had no running planned for this month, so I have done more than I actually planned.
Planned
No plan
Done
Rest week due to “low mood”.
Trigger warning
Please be aware that today’s post references suicidal thoughts. If you are struggling with your own suicidal thoughts, or do not feel able to deal with this subject matter right now, maybe skip this entry.
It’s short anyway.
Monday 24th of January 2022
On Monday I have an opticians appointment that I wake up late for, meaning I need to get ready for it as soon as I wake up, then immediately go to it. As the appointment is between 4 pm and 5pm, it’s dark when I get back home, I still haven’t woken up properly physically or mentally from my night medication, and I’m starving because I haven’t eaten anything all day. Due to all the above, I don’t go for my run.
Tuesday 25th of January 2022
Today my “low” “agitated” mood that I have been in since at least last week boils over, and I experienced an intense suicidal episode, during which I sob hysterically.
Unlike last week, I know it’s not safe for me to go for my run either today or for the foreseeable future, so I don’t.
Although I felt and still feel guilty about not going even as I write this, I’m also extremely proud of myself for managing to ignore that guilt, fight my impulsive nature and win, and do what is best for me.
Wednesday 26th of January 2022
To
Sunday, the 30th of January 2022
Rest days due to “low” mood.
Weeks 1 to 4
Welcome to my first monthly writing journal overview. These reviews are hopefully going to follow the same format as my running journals do eventually, which are also going to 4 weekly or monthly overviews.
I want to keep this one brief and to the point, especially because I didn’t try any tips during this month.
My plan going in was to write for 3 hours, 5 days a week. I failed on this goal, even with an additional 2 days in every way. I didn’t write for 3 hours a day, I didn’t do it over 5 days, and I also didn’t meet my monthly target for hours written. With the extra two days, I should have wrote for 66 hours, and I completed 63 hours 49 minutes.
As I am writing this on the 27th of February, I’m going to add the 2 hours 11 minutes I am down to my first week in March’s total.
Due to me still struggling to keep notes, even though I am trying to rectify this, I don’t know how many blog post I have wrote in this time, but I know I didn’t miss any posts, so that something I did adequately at least.
-Hours owed from last week = 1 hour 7 minutes
-Hours planned for this week = 15
*Total hours to do this week = 16.07
Hours done =11 hours 30 minutes
*Hours owed= 4 hours 37 minutes
Completed blog post = unknown
Planned
Monday – 3 hours
Tuesday – 3 hours
Wednesday – 3 hours
Thursday – 3 hours
Friday – 3 hours
Saturday – rest day
Sunday – rest day
Done
Monday – 0
Tuesday – 3 hours 30 minutes
Wednesday – 2 hours 40 minutes
Thursday – 3 hours
Friday – 1 hour five minutes
Saturday – 0
Sunday – 1 hour 15 minutes
Monday 24th of January 2022
On Monday I have an opticians appointment that I wake up late for, so I get no writing done at all.
Planned writing done = 0
Extra writing done=0
(Owed = 4 hours 7 minutes)
Tuesday 25th of January 2022
Tuesday was a good day for writing, however my optimism level up might suggest I was having an “up episode”. I did 3 1/2 hours of writing during which time I worked on Fridays running guide, yet I talked about how things are getting better, and how great things would be if I could sleep and wake up at a normal time, even though nothing was any different than usual and today’s achievements weren’t exceptional.
Planned writing done = 3 hours
Extra writing done = 30 minutes
(Owed = 30 minutes)
Wednesday 26th of January 2022
On Wednesday I finish my final handwritten draft of my running guide, and write for 2 hours 40 minutes.
Planned writing done = 2 hours 40 minutes
Extra writing done = 0
(Owed= 1 hour 7 minutes)
Thursday, 27th of January 2022
The only notes that I make on Thursday are that I finished Friday’s running guide and fully wrote and dictated Charlie, although I didn’t say what part it was.
I assume from my to do list that I did 3 hours of writing, because I crossed that out, and didn’t note that I did any extra.
Planned writing done = 3 hours
Extra writing done = 0 hours
(Owed= 1 hour 7 minutes)
Completed = Running guide
Friday 28th of January 2022
On Friday I only do 1 hour five minutes of writing, but I don’t say why. During this time I complete my post titled Charlie.
Planned writing done = 1 hour 5 minutes
Extra writing done = 0
(Owed = 3 hours 12 minutes)
Completed Charlie
Saturday 29th of January 2022
I have no notes for Saturday so I know I did no writing, but I don’t know why.
Planned writing done = 0
Extra writing done = 0
(Owed= 6 hours 12 minutes)
Sunday 30th of January 2022
Today I only note that I did 1 hour 15 minutes of writing, yet I achieved an awful lot so I suspect I did more and just didn’t note it down. I really need to get better at taking notes, and start journalling every day like I promised I would.
Planned writing done = 1 hour 15 minutes
Extra done = 0
(owed = 4 hours 37 minutes)
Days = 3
Total miles = 14.58
Total miles run = 4.6813
Total miles walk = 3.1952 6627
Planned
No plan
Done
Monday – 3 laps of, 1 minute running, 2 minutes walking = 4.986 miles
Tuesday = resting
Wednesday = 1/2a lap of, 1 minute 30 seconds running, 2 minutes 30 seconds walking = 0.831 miles
And
2 1/2 laps of, 1 minute running, 2 minutes walking = 4.155 miles
Thursday = rest day
Friday = 2 laps off, 1 minute running, 2 minutes walking = 4.96 miles
Saturday = rest day
Sunday = rest day
Trigger warning
Please be aware that today’s post references suicidal thoughts. If you are struggling with your own suicidal thoughts or do not feel able to deal with this subject matter right now, maybe skip this entry.
Wednesday, the 17th of January 2022
Once again, it’s dark when I finally manage to get out on my run today.
After waking up later than usual, and having a lot to get done, I was feeling really suicidal. I decided to prioritise my personal tasks, such as paying bills and running, and I am glad I did, as I noted that I am feeling a lot less like hanging myself thanks to my run.
I also note that I encounter an obnoxious walker, but I have no recollection of what encounter I am referring to, as I encounter people that annoy me on the majority of my runs, as well as that I was almost hit by two bikes.
I complete, 3 laps of 1 minute running, 2 minutes walking.
Tuesday, the 18th of January 2022
Tuesday is a rest day.
Wednesday, the 19th of January 2022
Wednesdays run is a bad day for near misses. I’m almost to by 2 bikes from behind, and I step on a broken glass bottle that I can’t see in the dark.
Attempting to push myself, I tried to do 1 minute 30 seconds running, 2 minutes 30 seconds walking, but I only make it 1/2 a lap.
I also complete, 2 1/2 laps of, 1 minute running, 2 minute walking.
Thursday, the 20th of January 2022
Rest day
Friday the 21st January 2022
Fridays run is much easier. However it’s still a bad running day, as this time I step in dog crap that I cant see in the dark.
I complete, 3 laps of 1 minute running, 2 minute walk in.
Saturday, 20 January 2022
Saturday is a rest day.
Sunday, the 23rd of January 2022
Sunday is a rest day.
Owed from last week = 1 hour 7 minutes
(though I thought it was 2 hours for some reason)
Target for this week =15 hours
Total target for this week = 16 hours 7 minutes
Completed = 16 hours 45 minutes
Owed= 0
Over = 38 minutes
Blogs completed =unknown
Planned
Monday – 3 hours
Tuesday – 3 hours
Wednesday – 3 hours
Thursday – 3 hours
Friday – 3hours
Saturday – rest day
Sunday – rest day
Actually Done
Monday – 0
Tuesday – 5 hours
Wednesday – 3 hours
Thursday – 5 hours 20 minutes
Friday – 0
Saturday – 3 hours 25 minutes + unknown
Sunday – unknown
Trigger warning
Please be aware that today’s post references suicidal thoughts. If you are struggling with your own suicidal thoughts, or you do not feel able to deal with the subject matter right now, maybe skip this entry.
Monday, the 17th of January 2022
On Monday I wake up even later than I usually would, and am immediately suicidal over it. As I have more urgent things to do than write, I prioritise those thing, then I go for a run, after which I’m feeling slightly better, and decide to take the day off writing and make up the hours throughout the week.
Planned writing complete = 0
Extra writing complete = 0
(Owed = 4 hours 7 minutes)
Tuesday, the 18th of January 2022
Today is good day for writing, not only do I complete the 3 hours planned, I also complete an additional 2 which makes up for the 1 hour 7 minutes I still owe from last week, and part of what I owe from Monday.
During this time, I continue my research into running shoes, and began writing my first guide about them.
Planned writing completed = 3 hours
Extra writing completed = 2 hours
(Owed = 2 hours 7 minutes)
Wednesday, the 19th of January 2022
On Wednesday I work on my rough draft of my first running shoe guide for 3 hours.
Planned writing completed = 3 hours
Extra writing completed = 0
(Owed = 2 hours 7 minutes)
Thursday, the 20th of January 2022
Thursday is another great day for writing, I complete my 3 planned hours, plus 2 hours 20 minutes, which means I am caught up to where I should be at, and am even a little bit over.
Today I finish a running and schedule, and plan some other post.
By the end of the 5 hours 20 minutes I’m physically and mentally destroyed.
planned writing completed = 3 hours
Extra writing completed = 2 hours 20 minutes
(Owed =0)
(Over = 13 minutes)
Friday, the 21st of January 2022
Friday is a terrible writing day. Due to a combination of waking up late, and my neighbours, I get no writing done, which means I am now behind for the week again.
Planned writing completed= 0
Extra writing completed = 0
(Owed =47 minutes)
Saturday, the 22nd of January 2022
On Saturday I not only write for 3 hours 25 minutes, during which time I work on my post titled Charlie, I also start uploading photographs and videos to restart my Saturday blog. However, I don’t time this and I should have, as it consumes my entire night, yet I make hardly any progress because of my phone signal.
Planned writing completed= 3 hours
Extra writing completed = 25 minutes + unknown
(Owed = 0)
(Over= 22 minutes + unknown)
Sunday, the 23rd of January 2022
On Sunday I spent the day once again trying to upload videos and photographs, but neither timed how long I worked on this, nor noted the progress I made, which isn’t much.
Planned
No plan
Actual Schedule
Monday – rest day
Tuesday – 4 laps of, 1 minute running, 3 minutes walking.
Wednesday – rest day (assumed)
Thursday – rest day (assumed)
Friday – rest day (assumed)
Saturday – rest day (assumed)
Sunday – rest day (assumed)
Total days – 1
Total laps – 4
Total miles– 6.648
Total miles ran – 1 .662
Total miles walked – 4.986
Total percentage ran – 25%
Total percentage walked – 75%
Wednesday the 10th of January 2022
On Monday, even after being busy all day, I am adamant that I am going to go for a run. That changes when, on the way home from the supermarket, I slip on mud I couldn’t see in the dark. Now too afraid to go, in case I slip, I promise myself that I will never go running in the dark again.
Like most promises that I make to myself, this one won’t stick.
Tuesday, the 11th of January 2022
It’s dark on Tuesday when I go for my run.
I do four laps, of 1 minute running, 3 minutes walking, and note that I should have done only 3 laps as I was stopping to walk after every 40 seconds of running on my last lap.
Overall it was a terrible run. It was icy and slippy. I almost fell on uneven pavement. Then, as I was passing a driveway, a car without his headlights on pulled out, almost hitting me. It stopped just in time, and a bike coming towards me didn’t stop, even though both me in the car were now taking up the entire pavement. As a result it too almost hit me, forcing me into the actual road, which is an A road so I had very fast moving cars on it.
Wednesday, the 12th of January 2022- Sunday, the 16th of January 2022
Rest days (or at least I assume they are as I have no more entries).
Owed from last week = 20 minutes
(though I thought it was 25 for some reason.)
Target for this week = 15 hours
Done = 3 hours 53 minutes
Still owed = 1 hour 7 minutes
Completed = ” 2 Sunday blog posts.”
Planned Schedule
Monday = 3hours
Tuesday = 3 hours
Wednesday = 3 hours
Thursday = 3 hours
Friday = 3 hours
Saturday = rest day
Sunday = rest day
Actual schedule
Monday = 0
Tuesday = 3 hours
Wednesday = 1 hour 40 minutes
Thursday = 5 hours 10 minutes
Friday = 0
Saturday = 0
Sunday = 4 hours and 3 minutes
Monday, the 10th of January 2022
On Monday I’m supposed to get 3 hours of writing done, but because I need to go to the supermarket and pay bills I got nothing done. This is the problem with waking up late every day, and it’s depressing and infuriating and I have no control over it whatsoever.
Tuesday, the 11th of January 2022
The only notes I have for Tuesday say I wanted to do 3 hours 25 minutes of writing to make up the missing time from last week, but I only managed to do 3 hours. In this time I finished 2 Sunday blog post, but I don’t say what ones, or even if they were for the same or different weeks. I really am trying my hardest to journal and keep notes, but I find it so difficult for some reason.
Wednesday, the 12th of January 2022
Today I have to go to the hairdressers, so I only manage to get 1 hour and 40 minutes of writing done, during which I work on my phase 3 running overview.
Thursday, the 13th of January 2022
Thursday is a much better day, both for getting my writing done and for keeping notes about what I achieved.
I do
– 3 hours for Thursday
-25 minutes for last week
-the 1hour 20 minutes that I owed from yesterday
-As well as an additional 25 minutes
During this time I work on my phase 3 running overview, and the mileage details to go with it.
Friday, the 14th of January 2022
Due to the fact my hairdresser cut my fringe wrong and I tried to fix it myself (it was in my eyes and I couldn’t see, and it was hurting them) I get nothing done today, as I went into town to get it fixed.
Saturday the 15th of January 2022
There are no notes for Saturday, so I assume I did no writing, but I have no idea why.
Sunday, the 16th of January 2022
Sundays note simply say
-4 hours 3 minutes
-Research
-Still behind 2 hours
Planned schedule
No plan
Monday
Done
– 1/2 a lap of, 1 minute running, 2 minute walking.
-5/8 of a lap of, 40 seconds running, 20 seconds walking
-7/8 of a lap walking
Tuesday – rest day
Wednesday – 2 laps of, 1 minute running, 2minute walking.
Thursday – resting
Friday – rest day
Saturday – rest day
Sunday – rest day
Monday, the 3rd of January 2022
Today wasn’t a planned running day, as I had planned to take January off. However, I’ve been feeling miserable about not going. Today is the day I plan to change my approach to running drastically, but I won’t bore you with that, as I already have.
With change in mind, I head into the city centre to replace the three pairs of running shorts I had to throw away recently.
Then, when I get home, I go for a run.
Although I know my run is going to be hard, I’m surprised by just how hard it is.
When I start, I plan to do 1/2 a lap of 40 seconds running/20 seconds walking, 1/2 a lap of 2minutes running/1 minute walking, then a full lap of 3 minutes running/2 minute walking, but things don’t go to plan.
I have to stop at the 1/4 of a lap point, because I have the king of all side cramps. I can’t breathe, or move, and the pain is so bad I feel like I’m gonna pass out whenever I do either, which is a bit scary as I feel like I’m either going to burst out crying or laughing.
Blaming the 40/20 for the stitch, I start on my 2/1, I make it another 1/2 a lap before I can’t run anymore, so I try to go back to the 40/20 but that’s more difficult than it was before, so at the 1/8 of a lap point on my second lap, I stop and walk the long way home, meaning the remaining 7/8 of the lap, knowing I’m going to need to change my plan for next time.
Afterwards, I feel really shaky and my legs are aching. Plus, I was wheezing before I left the flat to run, due to the fact that I was having a bad asthma day, and now it’s worse.
I complete –
-1/2 a lap of, 2minutes running, 1 minute walking
-5/8 of a lap of, 40 seconds running, 20 seconds walking.
– 7/8 of a lap walking
Tuesday, the 4th of January 2022
Tuesday is a rest day
Wednesday, the 5th of January 2022
Today’s run is uneventful.
I’ve decided to use January as an experimentation month, to see what I can actually do.
During this run l learn I can only do 1 minute running, followed by 2 minutes walking, which works out at 33% running, 66% walking.
I complete- 2 laps of, 1 minute running, 2 minutes walking.
Thursday, the 6th of January 2022
To
Sunday, the 9th of January 2022
Rest days.
Target hours done = 14 hours 40 minutes
Extra done = 0
Owed= 20 minutes
Posts done – unknown
Not a great week for reaching my target hours or target work, and it was terrible for keeping note.
The planned schedule
Monday – 3 hours
Tuesday – 3 hours
Wednesday – 3 hours
Thursday – 3 hours
Friday – 3 hours
Saturday – 0
Sunday- 0
The actual schedule
Monday – 1 hour
Tuesday – 4 hours
Wednesday – 2 hours
Thursday – 0
Friday – 0
Saturday – 3 hours 15 minutes
Sunday – 4 hours 35 minutes
Monday, the 3rd of January 2022
Due to how busy I have been all day – I not only had to go to the supermarket, I went into the city centre to buy new running shorts and then went for a run – I have done no writing at all.
At 11pm I decided I am going to do 3 hours of writing now, as I can’t sleep, but only end up managing 1, as I am too tired. I do a plan and half a draft of writing, but I don’t make a note of what it is that I actually write.
Target done = 1 hour of writing
Extra done = 0
hours of writing
[Hours of writing owed = 2 hours of writing]
Tuesday, the 4th of January 2020
Today I manage a block of 1 hour 15 minutes writing before I need to stop for a break.
When I get back, I decide to do another 2 hours 10 minutes. It takes me 1 hour 40 minutes to finish the first draft of -remember to burn your bridges (I don’t record if this is part 1, 2 or both).
Then with the remaining half an hour I dictate- part six of the devil cares more about cars than Prada, and do a first edit on roughly half of it.
Target done = 3 hours of writing
Extra done = 1 hour of writing
hours of writing
[Hours of writing owed = 1 hour of writing]
Wednesday, the 5th of January 2022
Today I write for 2 hours – because I don’t update my journal until Sunday, I have no idea what I actually wrote.
Target done = 2 hours of writing
Extra done = 0
hours of writing
[Hours of writing owed = 2 hours of writing]
Thursday, the 6th of January 2022
On Thursday what should be a quick clean of my flat turns into a massive job, so I do no writing.
Target done = 0
Extra done = 0
hours of writing
[Hours of writing owed = 5 hours of writing]
Friday, the 7th of January 2020
On Friday I have an episode in the supermarket, which is followed by my neighbours being antisocial, so again I get no writing done.
Target done = 0
Extra done = 0
hours of writing
[Hours of writing owed = 8 hours of writing]
Saturday, the 8th of January 2022
I do 3 hours 15 minutes of writing.
Again, I don’t know what I wrote.
Target done = 3 hours of writing
Extra done = 15 minutes
hours of writing
[Hours of writing owed = 5 hours and 24 minutes of writing]
Sunday 9th of January 2022
Today I do 4 hours 35 minutes of writing.
Target done = 4 hour of writing
Extra done = 1 hour and 35 minutes
hours of writing
[Hours of writing owed = 20 minutes of writing]
Week 5 of winter break
Week starting the 27th of December 2021
Week 5 of winter break
Week starting the 27th of December 2021
The planned schedule
Saturday= 3 hours of writing
Sunday= 3 hours of writing
The actual schedule
Saturday= 3 hours, 16 minutes of writing
Sunday= 3 hours, 35 minutes of writing
Overview
Target = 6 hours of writing
Achieved= 6 hours, 51 minutes
1x Sunday blog post completed
Saturday, the 1st of January 2022
On Saturday I got 3 hours, 16 minutes of writing done. I worked on my Sunday blog post – the devil cares more about cars than prada part 5. 3 hours it is my target so I did 16 minutes over.
Target done =3 hours
Extra = 16 minutes
(Owed =0)
1 x Sunday blog post complete
Sunday, the 2nd of January 2022
On Sunday I got 3 hours, 35 minutes of writing done.
I worked on everything from the plan to the final written draft of – part 6 of the devil cares more about cars than Prada.
This is amazing amount of work as usually the first draft takes double this entire amount, at least.
Target done= 3hours
Extra = 35 minutes
(owed= 0)
My plan for January is to try to write for 3 hours a day 5 days a week, which would total 15 hours a week.
And to just keep up with my Friday running Journals, and Sunday autobiographical blog posts, as I’ve been struggling to do so.
The start of my writing journal
And
Writing tips
Hi guys,
I have been saying I am going to start a writing journal, similar to my running journal, as well as my own writing tips, for a while now.
Well, I have finally started.
My journal will follow a similar set up to my running journal, there will be plans, a journal, a schedule, and overviews. Hopefully in the future there will also be guides, but for now I’m starting small.
My tips will for now be
-Words to use instead off
+A definition of that word
-Words that are commonly confused words
+The definition of those words
+Words to use instead of those words.
Again in the future I’m hoping to expand on this.
I hope to see you all on Wednesdays at 9 pm my time. AGAIN!
Love y’all
Pix
In today’s post, we are going to take a more in depth look at pronation. More specifically we are going to be looking at under and over pronation.
Pronation is the collapsing of the arch of your foot as it strikes the ground. The reason your arch collapses is to absorb the impact this has on your bones, muscles, tendons, and ligaments.
Neutral Pronation
Neutral pronation, also known as correct running pattern, is when your foot naturally rolls inwards at around 15% to absorb the shock, while keeping your feet, ankles, and legs correctly aligned. This makes you less prone to common injuries.
There are several ways you can determine whether you are a neutral pronator.
One method is to look at the outer sole of your shoes. If you are a neutral pronator, the sole will either show even wear, or more wear in the centre of the sole.
Another method is to look at how you stand in your regular shoes. Put your shoes on and look down. If both your feet face straightforward you are probably a neutral pronator.
If you are a neutral pronator then neutral running shoes are designed for you. They tend to be lighter than other running shoes, as they contain less additional technologies to provide support. The greater proportion of their cushioning is usually in the heel. This is because it is less necessary for them to have additional cushioning in other areas of the sole, as with neutral pronators your entire foot will come into contact with the ground and your weight will be evenly distributed. You will find neutral running shoes are usually softer than other types of running shoes, therefore they allow your feet to move more freely.
Over pronation
Over pronation, also known as flat feet, is when the arch of your feet collapse excessively downwards or inwards. The heel of your foot will strike the ground first, then your foot rolls inwards onto the arch.
Most people are over pronators.
Over pronation is generally caused by flat and very flexible feet. People can be born with flat, flexible feet. However, there are certain conditions and situations in which a persons chances of developing either flat feet, or weakened arches, increases, which then leads to overpronation, such as –
-wear and tear
-Strain
-Overuse
-Taking part in activities that involve your feet repeatedly striking a hard surface for extended periods of time, such as – running
-Being pregnant
-Being overweight
There are several ways that you can determine whether you are an overpronator.
One method is to look at the outer sole of your shoes. If you are an overpronator the soles will either show the majority of the wear on the inner part of your shoe, or will show extra wear on the inside of the heal and under the ball of your foot.
Another method is to look at how you stand in your regular shoes. Put on your regular shoes and look down, if your feet spread out from the back to the front, so they make a V shape, it is likely you’re an overpronator.
You can also look at how you stand when barefoot. If there is no space between your foot and the floor where your arch should be and/or the back of your ankles appear to bow inwards, then you are likely and overpronator.
Injuries commonly caused by over pronation include –
-Heel pain
-Arch pain
-knee pain
-Hip pain
-Chronic lower back pain
-Swollen feet
-Swollen ankles
-Corns
-Calluses
-Bunions
-Misaligned big toes
-Hammertoes
-Damage to muscles
-Damage to tendons
-Damage to ligaments
-Heel spurs
-Shin splints
-Runners knee
-Plantar fasciitis
-Iliotibial band syndrome
-Stress fractures in the lower foot
-Stress fractures in the lower leg
-Patellofemoral pain syndrome
-Achilles tendonitis
-peroneal tendonitis
Over pronators are better suited to a shoe with more cushioning to help support and control the inward role of your foot. Motion control shoes are ideal for overpronators. They are designed to reduce or control the excessive rolling action of your foot, correct your gate, and provide additional shock absorption. They are often the most rigid type of shoe, and more stiff and heavy than neutral or stability running shoes. Motion control shoes provide significant support in the mid sole, as well as heel cup support.
Under pronation
Underpronation, also known as supination, is when you either have abnormally high arches, or your arches have little flexibility. This means that your heels often lean and roll outwards, putting weight on the outer edge of your foot. As your foot strikes the ground, either to land or push off, your foot doesn’t roll in far enough, which is around 15%, this causes your foot to roll outwards and put pressure on your ankle and toes.
Very few people are underpronators.
You can be born with bodily conditions that lead to you under pronating, such as –
-Having a muscle imbalance in your feet
-The length of your legs (which includes having differences between the lengths of your legs)
-The width of your foot
-Body misalignments
-Your natural level of ankle stability
-Having high arches
-Having a tight Achilles tendon
However, there are certain conditions or situations that can cause you to start underpronating, such as –
-Sedentary lifestyle
-Restricted range of motion
-Standing for long periods of time
-Stiffness due to age
-Arthritis
-Too much exercise
-Participating in high impact sports that place strain and wear on your Achilles tendon
-Constant impact on hard and firm surfaces
-Changes in gait
-Foot injuries
-Leg injuries
-Developing Achilles tendonitis
-Wearing unsupportive shoes
There are several methods you can use to determine whether you are an under pronator.
One way is to look at the outer sole of your shoes. Under pronators shoes will wear down mostly on the outer edge.
Another way is to look at how you stand in your regular shoes. Put on your regular shoes and look down. If your feet curve inwards from back to front so they look like a capital A, then you are likely an under pronator.
You can also use the method of looking at how you stand barefoot. If from behind your ankles appear to bow outwards you are probably an under pronator.
Common injuries caused by under pronation include,
-Pain through the arch of your foot
-Pain through the ball of your foot
-Heel pain
-Knee pain
-Back pain
-Sprains
-Sprained ankles
-lateral ankle sprains
-Rolled ankles
-Strained muscles
-Strained ligaments
-Overstretched tissue
-Worn tissue
-Flattened tissue
-Torn tissue
-Shin splints
-Calluses
-Bunions on the outer edge of your foot
-Heel slips
-Falls
-Less stable gate
-Build up of calcium deposits
-Plantar fasciitis
-Achilles tendonitis
-Achilles tendonopathy
-Hammertoes
-Clawed toes
-Metatarsalgia
-Iliotibial band syndrome
-Stress fractures in the foot
-Stress fractures in the lower leg
-Medial tibial stress syndrome
Cushioned shoes are important for runners who under probate. The highly cushioned running shoes are designed to reduce shock, that would otherwise be sent through your body. However, a more flexible shoe, and a broad based shoe, can also be helpful to underpronators.
Week 4 winter break
Week starting the 20th of December 2021
Week 4 of winter break
Week starting the 20th of December 2021
Finding The Right Running Shoes
Part 1
Finding The Right Running Shoes For Your Body Type
Welcome to a new year, and a new approach to getting started running with the psychotic girls guide.
This year, we will be ditching the professional guides to getting started running and writing our own.
As always, the aim of these guides is to serve as a place for you, the reader, to start your own research into the topics we cover.
As you all know, I failed to achieve my running goals last year, but not through lack of trying. A combination of things contributed to my failure; my poor mental health, injuries I sustained both running and during every day life, and of course the guide I used.
What I did find useful though, was doing my own research.
With this in mind, I asked myself –
If I was writing a beginners guide to running, how would I start it?
My answer was –
I do sort of write beginners guides to running.
This was obviously not the answer I wanted, but it was the answer I needed.
I feel as though I didn’t take my running serious enough last year. Therefore, I had no business writing a running journal, never mind running guides. If I want to not only continue writing running journals and guides, but am also serious about succeeding in my own running goals, as well as helping you succeed in yours, then I need to take both my running and research more serious this year, especially if I am determined to do it my own way.
As a result of this realisation, I reset my frame of mind and ask myself and admittedly weird question –
With the hindsight of a failed runner, where would I start if I wanted to get into running but I had never run before?
The answer was –
I would need to buy running clothes, and equipment.
When I planned my research for this weeks post, I expected to be writing about all running clothes, from bras, to jackets, to shoes. Yet, I have since learnt that I can’t even write a single guide to running shoes and do it justice. Although shoes seems like the obvious place to start, I now understand why every guide I have read since last year doesn’t even attempt to address this topic, running shoes are a complicated subject. The way guides ignore them does sort of give new runners the impression that you can throw on any old shoes and go running though. I could have chosen to do the same, to ignore them, but I don’t believe you can throw on any old shoes, trainers, or other type of sport shoes and go running, I actually believe the opposite, which is that the shoes you choose to go running in have the power to either make or break you as a runner, so I’m not going to. I’m going to give running shoes the time and space they deserve.
How do I plan on doing this when it’s such a big and complex topic?
I plan to start with a post today about finding the right shoes for your body type, then build on the topic through future post, as and when they are appropriate, as we all learn and progress. What I want to do is make the subject as easy to understand as possible, so I don’t want to bombard you with too much information at once.
Every source I found while doing my research suggested that running shoes are the most important piece of clothing and/or equipment a runner needs, to the extent that they make it sound like shoes are the only piece of clothing or equipment runners need, and though I don’t fully agree with them, I agree that buying an appropriate pair of running shoes is the best place to start.
Personally, I’ve tried running in any old shoes, though it was around a decade decade ago, and honestly I didn’t do well. By the time I began running in 2016 -2018, I knew a proper pair of running shoes was required to go running, otherwise I was risking injuring my joints, or suffering from joint overuse, as running shoes have built in shock absorbers to absorb the huge impact that striking the ground while running has on our joints.
What I did not know, was just how massive that impact is.
The force of your foot strike against the ground as you run, is 2 -3 times that of your body weight. If you are 10 stone, that’s 20 -30 stone of impact. If you’re 15 stone, it’s 30 -45 stone of impact. The more your weigh, the more protection you need from your running shoes, which means you require more cushioning.
Honestly, if you would have asked me what I have learnt about running shoes since, I would’ve said nothing, and thought there wasn’t anything more to know. However, while doing my research, I found that what I was reading not only matched my own experiences with running shoes, but also the experiences of others who have told me stories over the last year about their own running shoes. Think a wrecked ankle on my part, due to broken running shoes: and a collapse outer soul on somebody else’s, due to their particular gait.
And, I certainly was not aware of the extent to which you can cause yourself short and long term injuries by–
– not wearing running shoes at all
– not wearing the correct shoes for; your body type, terrain, or goals
– or even wearing broken or worn down running shoes.
Running injuries caused by wearing incorrect or inappropriate footwear, can range from foot and ankle injuries, all the way to knee and spine injuries – apparently.
The most common injuries are
– blisters
– hotspots – blisters in waiting but deeper and more painful than regular blisters
– cuts
– corns
– bunions
– ankle sprains
– ankle fractures
– Metatarsalgia– pain and inflammation in the ball of your foot
– Shin splints – pain along your shin bone (tibia)
– plantar fasciitis Inflammation of the plantar fascia (the part of your foot that connects your heel to your toes)
– tendonitis– swelling of a tendon (a thick cord attaching a muscle to a bone) causing joint pain and stiffness.
It’s not all about protecting your body though, there are benefits you can gain from wearing the correct running shoes, which include –
– making your work out more pleasant and comfortable
– and improving your performance.
In fact, surprisingly, a lot of the sources suggested that comfort was the most important factor when it comes to picking out a pair of running shoes.
One even claimed that you should feel comfortable in your running shoes from the second you try them on in the shop.
I disagree. Not that comfort is important, but that putting them on and deciding to buy them based on the fact that they are comfortable is the best way to make your decision.
Everything about picking running shoes is complicated. Take for example the length and width of the shoe, in particular the toebox, which is the front of the shoe, or more specifically the part that houses your toes.
Maybe you know your shoe size.
You might even know you need a wider fit than regular shoes give, but this is only going to get you so far.
With running shoes –
– your toes should never touch the end of the shoe.
One source that I read advised that there should be a distance equal to the length of your thumbnail between the end of the shoe and your longest toe. Another said that distance should be equal to the width of your thumb.
– Your feet shouldn’t feel too cramped
– and there should be enough space to wiggle your toes and allow them to move.
– Equally there shouldn’t be too much spare room.
And you want to make sure your heel isn’t slipping.
– However, if you’re running off road it’s better to purchase a shoe with a snug fit, in order to reduce as much movement as possible inside the shoe when running on uneven ground and unpredictable terrain.
– Alternatively, if you’re planning on running long distances a slightly roomier shoe might be a better option for you, as our feet are prone to swell after a few hours of running, or just when running at all. This means that a shoe that feels just right, so possibly comfortable, in the shop, will most likely feel too small during your run.
You want to lace your shoes tight enough that your foot doesn’t move around, but not so tight you cut off your circulation.
Finally, you need to take into consideration your particular –
-biomechanics
-gait
-and pronation
which all seems to boil down in the end to your pronation.
To put it simply, pronation is the collapsing of the arch of your foot as it strikes the ground. It collapses to absorb the impact, in order to protect your knees, spine, et cetera from the force of that impact, as best it can. Yet, not everybody pronates the same, some peoples arches don’t collapse at all. How you pronate effects how your foot rolls as it makes contact with the ground, and as a result it can affect how you run and therefore what type of shoe you need.
There are three categories of pronation
– neutral pronation
-over pronation
-and under pronation -also known as supination.
Neutral pronation, is when your foot naturally rolls inwards at about 15% to absorb shock, while keeping your feet, ankles, and legs properly aligned. This makes you less prone to common injuries.
If you are a neutral pronator, you will generally notice more wear and tear in the centre of the shoe. You would want to choose a neutral shoe, which allows for your standard running gait.
Overpronation is when the outer edge of your heel hits the ground first, then your foot rolls inwards onto the arch.
Most people are over pronators.
If you overpronate, your shoe will tend to show extra wear on the inside of the heel, and under the ball of your foot. Overpronators are better suited to a shoe with more cushioning, to help support and control the inward role of their foot.
Underpronation, is when you either have an “abnormally” high arch, or you arch has little to no flexibility. This means that your heel often leans and rolls outwards, putting weight on the outer edge of your foot.
The shoes of under pronators wear down mostly on the outside. It is often better for under pronators to wear more flexible running shoes, so they are better suited to a neutral shoe, but cushioning is helpful to protect the “lateral” area of the foot from stress, and abroad base is also recommended.
I appreciate that it can be tempting to, so, if you are considering going running in inappropriate and/or incorrect shoes, please remember that it’s not only not worth it, it’s counter productive, as even short term injuries will derail your goals, whether they are weight loss, fitness and health, or race and event goals.
Overall goals
Start date is the 31st of January 2022
End date is 27th of February 2022
Length is 4 weeks
Lowest running to target for days is 8 days
Highest running target for days is 16 days
Lowest lap target is 24
Highest lap target is 48
Lowest mile target is 39.888
Highest mile target is 79.776
Specific goals
1. To do 3 laps
2. At least 2 days a week
3. At most 4 days a week
4. Of 1 minute running
5. 2 minutes walking
6. With no stopping at all mid run or walk. -If I am struggling to run for the full length of time, rather than stop I should change my run walk time or percentage
7. With no stopping mid lap.- If I am struggling to complete a lap, then I must change my lap amount
8. On alternating days
9. Ignoring any days I have a reasonable reason I can’t go.
10. No doing multiple days running in a row.
11. No taking calls while I’m running
12. No checking my social media while running
13. Avoid checking my remaining run time
14. Add or change goals one at a time
Week 3 winter break
Week starting the 13th of December 2021
Week 3 of winter break
Week starting the 13th of December 2021
Total length should have = 7 weeks
Total length= 21 weeks
The total length was 3x as long as it should have been
Total miles= 165.396
Total miles run= 106.189
Total miles walked = 59.1672
Total percent run= 64.213365
Total percent walked= 35.778894
Phase 3 was an epic failure in every way, to the point where it has left me in a much worse position than I was this time last year, when I began using the guide. Not only am I now only capable of doing 1 minute running, 2 minutes walking, which is roughly 33% running, 66% walking, I have gained half a stone, which means I am now 9 stone and need to lose 1 1/2 stone to reach my target weight.
In the interest of being fully honest, I’ve struggled for the best part of 3 days to even start writing this overview. It is Thursday as I write this, and it needs to be complete for tomorrow. I spent 3 days trying to convince myself that phase 3 being a complete failure was fine, because I have learnt something from it, which I haven’t, as I knew everything I know now when I started phase 3, as well as attempting to lift my spirits with empty sentiments about it being- a new year, a new approach, a new plan, and a new me, none of which helped.
For these reasons today’s overview is not going to be the same as the overviews for phase 1 and 2, as what I really need to do is just dive in and write about how I feel, in order for me to be able to create a new plan to move forward.
So, here goes…
1. If advice doesn’t feel right, don’t follow it
Having lost count of how many times I accused the guide of being elitist, ablest, or purposely trying to sabotage its users (maybe so they blame themselves for their failure, so they buy future episodes of the magazine to try to improve) I am bored of hearing myself talk about it. Yet, I need to, because it’s played such a major role in my failure.
To follow it, you realistically need a lot of money, to either pay for a gym membership, or buy expensive equipment.
I might be wrong, but I am sure the reason a lot of people decide on running as their exercise of choice, is because they don’t have access to lots of disposable money.
These issues and attitudes are also present in all the phases, especially as they progress, as you both need to live in a place unaffected by weather, and have no other commitments on your time, as getting outside to run 4 or 5 days a week, every week, just isn’t realistic.
Then there is the very short time period phase 3 gives you for progression (after giving unnecessarily excessive amounts of time for phase 1 and 2), which they simultaneously say you can lengthen to suit yourself, and warn you not to lengthen, but give you no particular reason as to why you shouldn’t lengthen it.
Since I’ve begun using this guide, I have found myself stopping often–
-to gasp for breath,
or because-
-I’m hallucinating,
-think I’m going to vomit,
-have a stitch
-have aching legs
-just cant run any further
on almost every run, and I used to run for 30 -45 minutes on a 15 incline 3 days a in row, most weeks.
This is to say, the pressure this guide put me under was immense.
My solution to this, which you’ve probably already guessed, is to ditch the entire guide, including phases.
What I am going to do, is set myself monthly goals, which will roll into the next month if I haven’t achieved them for any reason.
I’m going to do my own research, as that has been more helpful.
And, I’m going to write either monthly, or goal related overviews, instead of phase overviews.
My hope is that, this will lift the pressure I have been under, and help me to make steady, meaningful progress, as well as not tapping out whenever I know I can’t reach the guides ridiculous standards and rules, due to circumstances beyond my control, which is what I did over Christmas.
Which brings me to my next point…
2. Accept the things that you cannot control
There are of course universal factors that none of us can control, such as, the weather – will there be torrential rain, hail stone, or snow, or will the pavements be icy.
I forced myself to go running outside in these conditions last year, and it’s neither productive nor safe.
No more will I risk my health and safety for, to put it frankly, a half arsed run.
However, we all have our own individual factors that we can’t control, mine are my neighbours and my mental illnesses, as well as the medication I take for those illnesses.
I must accept that if-
-I haven’t slept
-I have, or I feel like I’m going to have, a seizure
-I have a migraine
I think I might try to harm myself if I leave the flat
then I just can’t go for a run.
Is it hard for me to accept?
Yes. I find myself pushing against this acceptance even as a force myself into it.
What’s harder to accept is that I shouldn’t go running in the dark. Running outside is massively unsafe for anybody who lives in the area I do. For a start it’s just a bad area, full of crime and idiots – people driving cars, bikes and electric scooters along the pavements, and fast at that, and they do this at night too, minus their lights or high visibility clothing. Then there are the people who take up the entire pavement and refused to move, some people do this while walking their dogs on outstretch leads, and I have encountered several people doing this in the dark with dark dogs on dark leads, some of them jogging themselves. For me though, I am already at a disadvantage, being that I am shortsighted and have keratoconus, and I can’t run wearing my glasses. The roads are in terrible condition – uneven, paving stones sticking up, potholes, open grids with their lids either completely missing or facing up. Plus, I live around a lot of Parkland and A-roads. Not to mention, I am a very small woman.
Due to the combination of my neighbours and illnesses, I don’t get to sleep until a time in the morning that most people are getting up, so by the time I get up it’s already early afternoon, and it takes me a couple of hours to then actually wake my body and mind up because of the medication I am on, which means by the time I’m ready to go running its already dark outside.
Then there are other factors that can sometimes be a problem, but not always, such as doctors appointments.
In the past I have changed the days I run to accommodate all of these factors, which has led to not only mental stress, but physical stress. For example, going for a run 3 days in a row, when you can’t even manage 2 days in a row, leads to injuries, but it also means the effort you are capable of putting into the final days run is minimal, therefore it’s a pointless exercise session. As a result, on the occasions you know you are going to have to do 2 or 3 days in a row, you lower your effort on day 1 and 2, so you are physically capable of running on day 2 and 3, which then also makes those exercise days pointless.
Despite me insisting that both you and I must accept the things we cannot change, I do have some solutions to, at the very least, attempt to solve these problems.
Moving forward I’m going to trial running every other day. For example – if Monday is an exercise day, then Tuesday must be a rest day (even if I know I can’t go running Wednesday) and if I can’t go running Wednesday then Thursday will be my exercise day and Friday must be my rest day.
It is my belief that this is a more sensible, realistic, and achievable exercise routine, and I by following a more sensible, realistic, and achievable exercise routine, I might solve these issues and several other issues I have been struggling with, such as-
-constantly checking how long I still have to run for, because physically I can’t run any further
-getting constant injuries.
3. If its not broke, don’t fix it
Another reason that I despise the guide, is because it was constantly messing up my progress by insisting that the way I did everything was wrong.
My comfortable “fast” pace and strides were wrong. I was never going to successfully be able to run for 30 minutes non stop unless I was running at a pace where I could hold a conversation with another person.
When I slowed my pace and adjusted my stride, it was more than just uncomfortable, I was in pain during and after my runs, and was struggling to actually run at all.
Then, when I tried to change it back, I couldn’t.
It micromanaged everything down to the minutest detail, like what angle and position you held your elbows.
It’s not that I don’t understand that correct posture is both necessary and important (from the beginning) or that I don’t want correct posture. It is that when you’re just starting isn’t the time to be trying to correct every issue at once. You are better to concentrate on one thing at a time, and if that one thing is running for a full minute, then your attention is fully assigned.
4. Change the things you can
I am the first to admit that I begun last years exercise routine allowing myself to indulge in 2 really bad habits, and as a result, rather than shaking them as I progressed, I allowed them to get worse.
This year, I’m stopping them from day one.
I am not allowed to stop mid run. If I find myself needing to stop mid run often, then I have bit off more than I can chew too soon, and I need to readjust my goals.
I am not allowed to take calls or use social media while out exercising.
5. Only compete with your current self
To me, this feels as difficult as accepting the things you cannot change. Even though I have been telling myself I have been successfully managing to do it for months, I now realise I haven’t.
You should only be competing with yourself. It sounds simple enough. Don’t compare yourself to an Olympic athlete. But, also, you need to remember not to compare yourself to that woman you kept seeing running in the dog park all December. Where was she the rest of the year? Maybe, she has perfect vision. Maybe, she doesn’t have severe asthma. Maybe, she doesn’t have 3 mental illnesses.
The same goes for not comparing yourself to your past self. That girl that ran on a full treadmill incline for 30 -45 minutes 3 days a week, as well as going to 2 Thai Muay and 1 Brazilian Jujitsu class every week was spending money she didn’t have. She was also on 4x the dose of antidepressants she should’ve been on, meaning she never slept and still had too much energy… And was in the constant grip of some form of hyper mania, and pseudo psychosis.
6. Keep your promises
How long have I been promising to keep better journal notes, then write those journals as soon as I can?
I believe, for as long as I have been using the guide.
(And, no, the weekly journal entries are going nowhere. They are here to stay.)
Well, journalling is now a “resolution” for this year. It is Januarys resolution. And although I am currently still not a succeeding at it, I’ve given myself until the end of January to get on top of it, no excuses.
I need to, because getting back into running (although I’ve already started) is Februarys “resolution”.
Week 2 of Winter Break
Week starting the 6th of December 2021
Week 2 Of Winter Break
Week starting the 6th of December 2021
Week 1 Of Winter Break
Week starting 29th of November 2021
Week 1 Of Winter Break
Week starting 29th of November 2021
Phase 3 – week 21
Monday – Haven’t slept
Tuesday – Rain
Wednesday- Got up late
Thursday – Got up late
Friday – Didn’t sleep
Saturday – Snow
Sunday – Snow
Phase 3-week 21
Day 140: Monday – 22 November 2021
Once again, come Monday, I haven’t slept.
Not sleeping on Sunday nights has become a pattern, and I believe this has happened for a reason. When you have an illness that means your brain can’t regulate its own emotions, like BPD, you need a strict routine, meaning that you need to do the same things, at the same times, on the same days. If you don’t have structure you become erratic, and then unhealthy patterns start a form by themselves, or at least they do in my case.
I spend the day laying in bed, unable to function physically or mentally, but also unable to sleep, even though I don’t take my morning medication, and I take my night medication early.
Day 141: Tuesday – 23 November 2021
On Tuesday, it’s raining.
Day 142: Wednesday, 24th November 2021
On Wednesday, I wake up too late to go on my run.
Date 143: Thursday – 25 November 2021
Today is a repeat of yesterday.
Day 144: Friday – 26 November 2021
Friday is the same as Monday, meaning I didn’t sleep at all on Thursday night.
Having two sleepless nights in a week is very worrying, as it’s an indicator that my mental health is deteriorating even further. I’m afraid I’m going to stop sleeping all together again.
Day 145: Saturday – 27 November 2021
And
Day 146: Sunday – 28 November 2021
It snows over the weekend, and I find myself relieved. I decide that I have no choice but to pause my running for the winter, as I can only run outdoors at the moment, because I can’t afford a gym membership or treadmill.
The relief comes from knowing that, if I try to continue running during the winter I would not have been able to go running more than I would have been able to go running, and I would’ve blamed myself for that. Also, I am aware that my mental health is extremely bad at the moment and I have far too much on my plate.
Phase 3– Week 20
Monday –
-I complete 2 aps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles.
-And 2 laps of walking =3.324 miles.
Tuesday –
⁃ I complete 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
-And 2 laps of walking = 3.324 miles
Wednesday – Rest day
Thursday – Rest day
Friday – Unwell
Saturday – Unwell
Sunday – Go up late
Total miles = 13.296
Total miles run = 3.9888
Total miles walked = 9.3027
Total percent run = 30%
Total percent walked = 70%
Phase 3 – week 20
Warning: Today’s running journal discusses suicidal thoughts. If you are suicidal, or you do not feel like this is something you can handle, please do not read this entry.
Day 133: Monday – 15 November 2021
Today is the first Monday in two months that I have managed to get out for a run, and doing so really motivates me, especially because I could’ve made a million excuses for why I shouldn’t go, or why I should’ve stopped. I’ve had a busy day of paying bills, shopping for essentials, Christmas gifts and decorations, so it’s getting dark by the time I’m ready to go for my run, and as I am starting my first lap it’s beginning to rain.
Like on Wednesday, I am struggling to breathe with my snood on, so eventually I have to take it off. Maybe, I should start checking the temperature before I leave my flat, then afterwards make a note of whether it was too warm for my snood. Once I finish my run, I go for a 2 lap walk.
I complete
⁃ 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking = 3. 324 miles
⁃ 2 laps of walking = 3. 324 miles.
Day 134: Tuesday – 16 November 2021
Tuesdays run is absolutely awful.
Remember that paperwork that I ordered last week?
Well today I get a text message notifying me that there is a problem with sending it to me because I have changed my address, even though I haven’t changed my address, so this causes my already low mood to plummet.
When I phone my mum to inform her about the message I’ve just received, and to try to arrange a day I can go to her house so she can help me with it, she insists that it has to be now.
I explain that I can’t do it now as I don’t feel well enough to deal with it, and I am trying to keep my mood as stable as possible by sticking to my plans.
“I’ll do it on my own then,” she tells me, sounding angry at me.
Before I can ask her not to, because not knowing what’s happening is going to cause me more stress, she hangs up on me.
In the few seconds it takes me to call her back, due to my bad signal, she is already on the phone to them, so I can’t get through to her, and to make things worse her landline doesn’t allow you to leave a message if she is using it.
For an hour, I sit and press the redial button, growing more frantic, upset, and angry as I do. The entire point of her helping me is meant to be so I don’t get myself into this state, so I can’t understand why she’s done this to me.
After the hour, I force myself to go for my run anyway, attempting to convince myself that it will take my mind off the problem.
It doesn’t.
With hindsight, I appreciate what an awful idea this was. However, it really does prove the point I’m forced to repeat constantly to my doctors, when they frustratedly demand that I do things that I know I can’t cope with, or which will exacerbate my illness, as this could have resulted in me committing suicide.
During two unsuccessful laps of running, I stop around 200 times to try to phone my mum back, the constantly stopping only makes my mood worse, as I chastise myself repeatedly for this.
By the time I complete my second lap, I’ve completely lost control of myself, yet for some reason, unknown even to me, I insist on pushing forward, starting the two laps of walking I promised myself I would do.
While I walk, I decided to phone the place that sent me the text message myself, which results in me having a meltdown at their automated system, absolutely screaming at it. It’s at this point that my call waiting notifies me that my mum is phoning me. I abandon the call I am on, and answer my mums call. Then we have a heated argument where we both shout over each other and accuse each other of being out of order.
By the end of the argument Mork is back, and I have the overwhelming urge to step in front of the vehicle. Somehow, I managed to fight this urge off. However, when I reach the bridge at the end of my third lap, I begin toying with the idea of jumping from it, but I can’t see a way up to it, and while I look, I realise that I’m probably not going to die from the fall alone, due to the bridge only being about three stories high. Still I think about jumping for my entire fourth lap, but make it home without incident.
I complete
-2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking = 3. 324 miles
-And 2 laps of walking = 3.324 miles
Day 135: Wednesday – 17 November 2021
Wednesday is a rest day.
Date 136: Thursday – 18 November 2021
Although Thursday should be an exercise day, I’m absolutely exhausted from the 13.296 miles of exercise I did on Monday and Tuesday, so I decided to have two rest days in a row, and plan to exercise on Friday and Saturday.
Day 137: Friday – 19th November 2021
On Friday I’m still not feeling well, and I have no choice but to pick up a prescription, which I need to do before my run, as the pharmacy will be shut after I finish.
On my way there, I speak to my mum, who makes me aware that there is another problem with the forms I’ve ordered. Then I have my encounter with the queue jumper, and the sexist security guard, in the pharmacy.
By the time I get home, not only am I having suicidal thoughts again, I have terrible abdominal pains, which I later find out is my period. Seeing as I don’t think it is safe for me to go outside in the mood I am in, and I wouldn’t be able to run if I did due to my pains, I take another rest day, hoping I will feel better tomorrow.
However due to my antisocial neighbours, my day gets worse, until I feel like I’m on the verge of a seizure. I also don’t manage to get to sleep until the late early hours of the morning.
Day 138: Saturday -20 November 2021
When I wake up late, I feel too physically and mentally unwell to go for my run again.
They 139: Sunday – 21 November 2021
On Sunday, I wake up too late to go for my run.
Phase 3–Week 19
Monday: Meeting
Tuesday: 2 laps of, 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Wednesday: 2 laps of, 3 minutes running, two minutes walking =3.324 miles
Thursday: busy
Friday: Missing notes
Saturday: Raining
Sunday: Got up late
Days= 2
Laps =4
Total miles =6.648
Total run =60%
Total walk =40%
Total miles run =3.9888
Total miles walked =2.6592
Phase 3 – Week 19
Day 127: Monday
Today, I had meeting with someone from my HA, and it was dark, so too late to go running, afterwards.
Day 128: Tuesday
Last week, on Tuesday night, I was thinking about the bandanna situation, wondering if you could get a face covering specifically for running outdoors, in cold weather, and imagining what they would be like, when I remembered I had seen something around 90% similar to what I was picturing. In 2020 when face coverings became mandatory, my mum bought me these fabrics snoods, which I gave back to her, to use, because:
1. I didn’t think they actually worked like the real masks, or at all, to stop the spread of Covid
2. (And) I couldn’t wear them anyway, as every time I breathed out they fogged up the lenses of my glasses so badly that I couldn’t see through them at all.
However, my mum never wore them either, so I was surprised she still had them, when I phoned her to ask her where she bought them.
Today is the first day since she brought them back to me, on my birthday, that I have been for a run.
Although it takes me awhile to get the mask on and right– meaning it will stay up, cover my mouth but not further obstruct my vision, which I achieve by double layering it, even though I am worried this will make it too hard for me to breathe once I get out and running, it stays up and works great – meaning it makes breathing in the cold air through my mouth much easier.
Apart from a group of grown men shouting at me from a moving car, that passes me as I am crossing the road that separates my block of flats and dog park, which frightens me so much I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack, the rest of my rub is uneventful. Still, I wish I had a treadmill.
I managed to do 2 laps, without stopping once.
While I am running, I think about how I have struggled to get out to exercise over the last four weeks, and why. Both my current very severe depression and the weather is to blame, and the weather is definitely going to get worse over the next few months. For these reasons, I decide to do two things that I haven’t done before.
1. I am going to end phase 3 as a failure. Honestly, I’m okay with this. I hope that by doing this, I learn where I went wrong and what mistakes I made.
2. I’m going to start phase 4, but make it a sort of maintenance phase, so that I don’t lose all the hard work I’ve put in, rather than making goals to progress, and will continue phase 4 indefinitely until the conditions are right for me to attempt to progress again.
My rough for phase 4, which I will sit down and plan in detail at a later date, are
1. To get back out of the flat four times a week to exercise
2. (And) to get back to doing 2 laps of 3 minutes running – 2 minutes walking without stopping
3. (Also) I’m not going to put any pressure on myself to do more than this during November, December, January and February.
I complete 2 laps, of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking, which totals 3.324 miles.
Day 128: Wednesday
Today was only slightly warmer than yesterday, but I had to remove my snood at the halfway mark of my first lap, due to difficulties breathing, and hallucinating. This happens after I was forced to stop 2 out of 3 run/walk cycles to rest. Once I removed it, I was able to breathe easier and my hallucinations lessened to the point where I managed to run non-stop until I reach the 5/8 mark of my second lap. At this point I felt close to collapsing, so I had no choice but to stop running and walk home.
Day 129: Thursday
On Thursday, I need to order some paperwork. As I’m too ill to do this by myself, I go to my mums house, so she can help me.
Day 130: Friday
Fridays notes are missing, and I don’t know why.
Day 131: Saturday
On Saturdays its raining
Day 132 :Sunday
On Sunday, I once again get up too late to go for a run. I promise to make a note of this as something else to try to tackle during phase 4.
Phase 3 – Week 18
Monday: 2 laps of, 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking =3.324 miles
Tuesday: Rain
Wednesday: Dental hospital
Thursday: My birthday
Friday: Bonfire night
Saturday: Bonfire weekend
Sunday: Bonfire weekend
Days=1
Laps =2
Total miles =3.324
Total run = 60%
Total walk =40%
Total miles run =1.9944
Total miles walked= 1.3296
Phase 3- Week 18
Day 120: Monday
This week, I have decided to follow tip 3, from part 1 of ways to improve your breathing during runs – simple tips to help you breathe easier and avoid lung damage, which is to wear a scarf or bandanna loosely across your face while running. I choose one of the biggest bandannas I own, as I think the bigger it is, the easier it will be to cover my face with it and keep it tied up. Then, I spend absolutely ages trying to get it on, before I even leave the flat.
As you can probably imagine, it is impossible to keep up while I’m running. As soon as I start it falls down, meaning I keep having to stop to fix it. After 3/4 of my first lap, I decide it’s impossible to use and take it off. If it would have stayed on, I believe that it would have made it much easier to breathe in the cold air, so I am frustrated that I had to give up on using it.
Maybe because of the banner fiasco, it’s not until I take my clothes off to get in the shower, that I noticed my heel is badly cut and bleeding heavily. I wore thin socks, that sat below the top of my running shoes today, so I blame them and promise to remember to only were thick, high socks while running in the future.
Day 121: Tuesday
On Tuesday, I go for my run, minus my bandanna.
However, as I leave the flat, it begins to rain.
Because even with my high thick socks on my heel is really hurting, I am actually relieved that it is raining, as my shoes rubbing against the sore would have made it too painful to run.
Day 122: Wednesday
On Wednesday, I have a dental hospital appointment, and by the time I get home its dark
Day 123: Thursday
Thursday is my birthday, so as I am seeing my family, I don’t go for a run today.
Days 124, 125, 126 – Friday, Saturday and Sunday
Friday is bonfire night, so I take the weekend off, as I don’t think it’s safe to go running.
Phase 3 – Week 17
Monday: Write off
Tuesday: 2 laps of, 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Wednesday: 2 laps of, 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking = 3.324miles
Thursday : unknown reasons for not going for a run
Friday: unknown reasons for not going to run
Saturday: Mischief night
Sunday: Halloween
Total days= 2
Total laps= 4
Total miles =6.648
Total run =60%
Total walk = 40%
Total miles run =3.9888
Total miles walked = 2.6592
Phase 3 – week 17
Day 113: Monday
This Monday, is literally a repeat of last Monday -meaning I couldn’t sleep on Sunday night, then due to my antipsychotics could do nothing but lay in bed until I fell asleep. The only difference is that it was late evening when I fell asleep today.
Day114: Tuesday
On Tuesday, I actually get out for a run again!
It’s hard, which is obviously because I’m out of practice. However, it is much worse than Thursday’s run, as I am stopping every 30-60 seconds, as I am hallucinating and can’t breathe.
At the 5/8 mark on my last lap, I feel as though I’m going to collapse, so I have no choice but to stop and walk home.
I completed 2 laps of, 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking, which totals 3.324 miles.
Day 115: Wednesday
On Wednesday, I managed to go for a run again.
Usually, my second day of exercising in a row is much harder. Yet, today is much easier than yesterday, and I only stop once per run/walk cycle (during the run part) this seems to be because I am both breathing better, and hallucinating less.
where I fail in my improvement, is that I once again can’t continue past the 5/8 mark on my second lap.
At one point, while I’m stopped trying to catch my breath and bat away the black snow that only I can see, with my headphones in, an older man actually tries to start a conversation with me. It isn’t even that he is concerned about me, because he keeps chuckling to himself after everything he says.
Am I wrong in thinking his behaviour is inappropriate?
I completely ignore him, but he refuses to go away, which forces me to start running again before I’m ready.
I complete 2 laps of, 3 minutes running, 2 minute walking which totals 3.324 miles.
Day 116: Thursday
I have no notes for today, so I don’t know why I didn’t go for a run, as I knew I couldn’t go on Saturday and Sunday, as it is mischief night and Halloween.
Day 117: Friday
Today, is the same as yesterday.
Day 118: Saturday
Saturday, is mischief night.
Sunday 119: Sunday
Sunday, is Halloween.
Phase 3- Week 16
Monday: Write off
Tuesday: Write off
Wednesday: Write iff
Thursday: 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking =3.324 miles
Friday: Write off
Saturday: Write off
Sunday: Write off
Total exercise days: 1
Total miles: 3.324
Total run: 60%
Total walk: 40%
Total miles run: 1.9944
Total miles walked: 1.3296
Phase 3- Week 15
Rest due to injuries.
Phase 3 -Week 15
Monday- Sunday: Rest days due to injury.
Phase 3- Week 14
Monday to Sunday: Rest days due to fall.
Phase 3- Week 14
Week off due to fall.
Phase 3 – Week 13
Monday: 2 laps of, 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking =3.324 miles
Tuesday: Rain
Wednesday: 2 laps of, 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking =3.324 miles
Thursday: 1/2 a lap of, 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking = 0.831 miles
Friday: Rest day
Saturday: Rain
Sunday: Fall
Total laps= 5 1/2
Total miles: 7.579
Total miles run= 5.3053
Total miles walked: 2.2737
Total run: 70%
Total walk: 30%
Phase 3- Week 13
Note: The day that I am writing this entry is Wednesday, the 20th of October, which is 17 days after my black out in the street. The fact that 17 days has passed, means that my memory is not as good as it would have been if I had een writing this entry two weeks ago. The reason that I’m only just getting round to writing it, is because I have been struggling to keep up with my Sunday autobiographical blog posts, and they come first. Plus, I was a month ahead with my Friday running posts when I blacked out in the street. However, I actually made very few notes during this particular week, which I suspect is because I was struggling to recall my runs, even after just returning from them, either due to missing time, or generally being mentally unwell. I wanted to address this here, both to explain the situation and potential reasons, as well as so that I don’t have to keep repeating that I have such a small amount of information to work with.
Day 85: Monday
On Monday, I woke up early, so I went for my run early. My notes say it was uneventful and a good run, with no breaks, so I don’t know whether this includes the 3, 1 1/2 minute breaks I promised myself, for the first two weeks of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minute walking, 1/4, 1/2 and 3/4 of my run.
I complete 2 laps, of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking.
Day 86: Tuesday
Tuesday should have been an exercise day, but it was raining heavily, so I had no choice but to make it a rest day.
Day 87: Wednesday
Wednesday should have been a rest day, but I am a day behind this week, so I make it an exercise day.
Today, I take all 3, 1 1/2 minute breaks.
I believe it is on my second lap, when an incident that is shocking, and leaves me slightly shaken, happens.
As I am coming up to the half a lap point, I noticed a group of three very young, very small children, up ahead.
Two of the children are most definitely toddlers, and the third can’t be older than five, as if he wasn’t wearing School uniform he could easily pass for a nursery child.
As I approach, he begins to aggressively scream at me, “Stop slut,” repeatedly, so loud that I can hear him over my music.
Then, as I’m about to pass them, he jumps in front of me, trying to force me to stop.
I don’t.
I’ve no intention of stopping.
I’m glad that I didn’t stop, as I am sure if I had he would’ve physically attacked me.
Instead, I run up onto the grass verge, that is in between him and the road, and past him, before jumping back down onto the pavement.
Enraged, he begins to shout, “Come back bitch,” repeatedly, much more aggressively than when he was screaming, “stop slut,” but now he’s also chasing me.
Obviously, I’m much faster than a five year old child, and when he realises he can’t catch me, he throws his bottle of juice, which looks like a fruit shoot, at me, but I’m too far away for it to reach me.
I complete 2 laps, of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking.
Day 88: Thursday
On Thursday, despite the fact that it has been raining heavily and the weather forecast predicts rain again in a couple of hours, I go out for my run, hoping to beat the next down pour.
The first 1/2 a lap is fine. Yet, the next 8th of a lap is so slippy, I decided it’s not safe to carry on, and not worth risking an injury.
As I am walking the remainder of the lap home, it begins to rain. I’ve just walked into the flat when the heavens open.
Day 89: Friday
It looks like it is going to rain again on Friday, so instead of risking another wasted run, I make the decision to stay in today.
By 8 pm it still hasn’t rained, and I regret not going for my run, but it is too dark to go now.
Day 90: Saturday
On Saturday, it rains.
Day 91: Sunday
It’s last day of the week. Therefore, my last chance to make up for my missing exercise day (not counting Thursdays wasted run).
Because it’s Sunday, meaning the shops close early, and I need to go to the supermarket, I have no choice but to go there first.
I am on my way home, when one second I am walking, and the next, I am plummeting toward the ground, feeling like I am missing time.
It’s as though I have simply leaned forward, but fast and with force. As I hit the ground, hard, I hear my glasses clatter to the ground in front of me.
Luckily, they aren’t damaged, but I am. Thankfully, I managed to put my hands out to break my fall, preventing my face from smashing into the pavement, which has resulted in both my palms being torn apart. My left knee, which the doctors suspect has cartilage damage from my 2020 seizure on the same street, seems to have taken a lot of the impact and is injured and hurting badly.
Due to my injuries it will be two full weeks before I can go for a run again.
Phase 3- Week 12
Monday: 2 laps of, 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Tuesday: 2 laps of, 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Wednesday: 2 laps of, 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Thursday: Rest day
Friday: Rest day
Saturday: 2 laps of, 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Sunday: Rest day
Total laps = 8
Total miles= 13.324
Total miles run = 9.3072
Total miles walked= 3.98888
70% run
30% walk
Phase 3 – week 12
Day 78: Monday
Due to not being able to sleep at all on Saturday night, I slept from around 4 pm on Sunday, until around 3 am on Monday.
***
When I wake up, I have a terrible migraine, which I think is just a result of sleeping heavily on my antipsychotics. So, even though I am still feeling rough, at 7 am, I decided to get my run over and done with, expecting the exercise to wake me up.
This is obviously a mistake.
I’m very lucky that I did not have a serious accident.
By my second run/walk cycle, I am hallucinating Black Snow, as usual, but I insist on pushing through the blizzard today, which I never do.
At the halfway point of my first lap, which is the part of my route that is wide open, a man who is walking his dog comes out of a side streets a few metres ahead of me. I know he sees me, because he stops on the corner to watch me for a couple of seconds, as he puffs on his cigarette, before continuing on. For this reason, I can only assume, that he purposely obstruct my path.
His dog is idling on the grass verge at the edge of the pavement next to the road. Instead of walking next to the grass, he moves inwards across the wide space so that he is next to the walls of the gardens that line the street, which means the lead is stretched across the entire width of the pavement.
As I approach, I call out, “Excuse me please.”
He acts as though he hasn’t heard me, and isn’t aware I’m there, forcing me to stop running.
“Can I get past, please?” I ask.
Walking so slowly that I can’t move forward at all, he ignores me.
I am done being polite, especially as I’m choking on his cigarette smoke.
“I’m trying to get past,” I shout in the most commanding tone I can conjure, considering it’s 7 am, I have a blinding migraine, and I’m choking on cigarette smoke.
“I’m sorry,” he says, taking his time to shuffle towards the grass. “I didn’t see you there.”
Now, it’s my turn to ignore him. Wheezing, I slip between him and the wall, and resume jogging.
By the end of this run/walk cycle, I feel like I am going to vomit. I am at the 3/4 of a lap mark, so I allow myself 1 1/2 minute break.
After just 2 more cycles, I am back at the 1/2 a lap mark on my second lap, so I allow myself another 1 1/2 minute break.
While on my run, I’m still clock watching.
Also, I decide to building a rest week in, on every 9th week.
I complete 2 laps of, 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking.
Day 79: Tuesday
On Tuesday, I’m having a very manicish BPD episode, so I don’t go for my run until late.
Probably because of my episode, it is a great run. I don’t stop once, not even for a 1 1/2 minute break.
I complete 2 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking.
Day 80: Wednesday
Wednesday should be a rest day, but for some reason, I haven’t made a note of, and don’t remember, I decided to make it an exercise day.
During my run, I am severely hallucinating. Telling myself it’s a mind issue, not a body issue, I push through it successfully.
As you can probably guess, this wasn’t the best idea, and by the time I get home, I feel like I’m going to have a seizure.
Despite this, I insist on writing my exercise notes there and then, so they are indecipherable.
I complete 2 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minute walking.
Day 81: Thursday
Thursday should be an exercise day, but because I have gone running 3 days in a row, I have no choice but to make it a rest day.
Day 82: Friday
Friday should also be an exercise day, but I have a hairdressers appointment, so I’ve no choice but to make Friday a rest day, as well.
Date 83: Saturday
Saturday should’ve been a rest day, but because I am a day behind and don’t want to have to do to 3 exercise days in a row, on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, I make it an exercise day.
My first lap is uneventful.
My second lap is anything but.
As I’m starting it, there is a man lawnmowing the pavement.
At some point, which I don’t recall, my hallucinations become too much, so I decide to walk the rest of the way home. It is this decision that will prevent me from being hit by a car.
At the end of my route there is a road that always has the same cars, vans, and even a ambulance permanently parked along the edge of the pavement, blocking the view of the road. I always pause here, to peer through the vehicles, to check there are no cars approaching. Today is no different in that respect. What is different about today, is that after checking there are no cars approaching, I walk out into the road, rather than run. As I am just about to pass the parked cars, one flies by me, and narrowly misses hitting me. It must have come from around the closest corner, and is definitely going above the speed limit. If I had run out, instead of walking, it would have hit me.
I completed 2 laps of, 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking.
Day 84: Sunday
Sunday is a rest day.
Phase 3 – Week 11
Monday: 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Tuesday: 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Wednesday: Rest day
Thursday: 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Friday: 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Saturday: Rest day
Sunday: Rest day
Phase 3 – Week 11
Day 71: Monday
Monday is the start of my final week of 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking, and I am still clock watching for my run times. Truthfully, I don’t feel ready to go from a 60% run to a 70% run, again, and I am dreading it, even though I know I can do it.
Day 72: Tuesday
Tuesday is uneventful. The only note I make is that, recently I have noticed a lot more people running on my route.
I complete 2 laps, of 3 minutes running, 2 minute walking.
Day 73: Wednesday
Wednesday, is a rest day.
Day 74: Thursday
On Thursday, I forget to take my medication before I leave the flat to exercise, which includes my asthma inhalers, so I have to go back home to take it at the end of my first lap.
During my second lap, I consider having a rest week next week, but it seems too soon.
I complete, 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking.
Day 75: Friday
Friday is my last day of 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking. It’s completely uneventful. The entire week has been uneventful, I wonder if this is a good sign, meaning that I am ready for a 70% run again.
Day 76: Saturday
Saturday is a rest day.
Day 77: Sunday
Sunday as a rest day.
Phase 3 – Week 10
Monday: 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Tuesday: 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Wednesday: Rest day.
Thursday: 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Friday: Rest day.
Saturday: 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Sunday: Rest day
Phase 3- Week 10
Day 63: Monday
Mondays run was abysmal. Not only do I always seem to struggle with the first run of the week, I had been busy running around doing stuff that desperately needed to be done all day and then ate two peanut snack bars, which was a terrible mistake, but I was so hungry I couldn’t face my run without eating, and I did wait an hour after eating to go, which I thought would’ve been long enough.
As soon as I began, I got terrible pains in my legs and cramp in my stomach, felt as though I was going to vomit and couldn’t breathe.
Due to all of the above, I constantly kept stopping and was only 5/8 of a lap in, when a lady offered me water and to walk me home. Not that I would’ve accepted either, I explained that I just needed to catch my breath and was going to start running again once I did.
I made it almost to the same place on my second lap before I admitted defeat and walked the rest of the way home.
Despite all this, my run could have been much worse, as on my first lap, when I reached the first bridge, there were broken eggs on the pavement, so I believe that I just missed kids throwing eggs off the bridge again.
I completed, 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking.
Day 65: Tuesday
Tuesday wasn’t much better, but this time it was because I didn’t prepare for the heat.
However, although I did stop and walk home at the same point as yesterday, as I was so thirsty, I did not stop once mid run. I did promise myself that I would get into the habit of bringing water with me, then immediately forgot about this promise until now though. What I actually should have done, was gone home for a drink in between laps, after all that is one of the reasons that I do laps rather than a single circuit.
I completed, 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minute walking.
Day 66: Wednesday
Wednesday was a rest day.
Day 67: Thursday
Thursday was the worst exercise day of the week by far, and I sort of knew it would be before I went. As I was getting changed into my running clothes, the heavens opened. I debated staying in and getting some washing and writing done, but I had plans that I couldn’t, wouldn’t and didn’t want to change for Friday, which meant if I didn’t go exercising today, I would’ve had to go exercising 3 to 4 days in a row, which I know I am not capable of doing yet, so I waited for the rain to go off then immediately headed out, hoping I could beat the next down pour.
I didn’t, and I was forced to walk home in the rain, soaked, because the ground was slippery and my eyes were full of water.
I (sort of) completed, 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking.
Day 68: Friday
Friday was a rest day.
Date 69: Saturday
Saturday’s run was wonderful, I didn’t stop at all and it was completely uneventful and unmemorable.
I completed, 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking.
Day 70: Sunday
Sunday was a rest day.
Phase 3- Week 9
Monday: 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Tuesday: 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Wednesday: Rest day
Thursday: 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Friday: 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Saturday: Rest day
Sunday: Rest day
Phase 3 – Week 9
Day 57: Monday
Mondays run was both bad and good, which, I suppose, means I actually did great. You see, it was terrible because I had bad period pains, which are worse for me in some ways as I don’t always get bad pains, and so I can’t prepare for them and I’m not used to them. After almost 23 years of having periods (since I was 12 years old – and two days if you want me to be precise) all I have learned about my own, is that like me, they are entirely unpredictable. I was also hallucinating and kept checking my phone for my run time,
The reason it was good, was because I only stopped for my planned one minute break.
I completed, 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking.
Day 58: Tuesday
On Tuesday, I am exhausted, due to only getting about four hours sleep and my pains are awful, but other than that, my run is uneventful.
I complete, 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking.
Day 59: Wednesday
Wednesday is a rest day.
Day 60: Thursday
On Thursday I woke up super late at 2:30pm, because like most nights my neighbours kept me awake into the late early hours of the morning, so as a result I go for my run later at 5:30pm. I still have pains and was clock watching again. Yet, for some reason I wanted to do a third lap, but stopped myself because I really am sticking to my plan this time.
I complete, 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking.
Day 61: Friday
Friday’s exercise was absolutely awful. However, I can’t fully remember why, because for some reason I didn’t make any notes and only made a vague tweet.
What I don’t know – whether I was breathless, hallucinating, if my knee, shins, or ankles hurt, if I almost fell or had any other accident, if I kept stopping.
What I do know – I still had my pains, I was exhausted from another bad night of sleep, I felt like I had been kicked in both thighs, I walked the last 3/8 of the lap.
I completed, 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking.
Day 62: Saturday
Saturday was a rest day.
Day 63: Sunday
Sunday was a rest day.
Phase 3 – Week 8
Monday: 2 laps of 3 minute running, 2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Tuesday: 2 laps of 3 minute running, 2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Wednesday: Rest day.
Thursday: 2 laps of 3 minute running, 2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Friday: 2 laps of 3 minute running, 2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Saturday: Rest day
Sunday: Rest day
Phase 3 – Week 8
Day 50: Monday
Although I was still checking my phone for my run time and I did have to stop once, because I was both hallucinating and struggling to breathe, Mondays run was much better than Sundays, and I did not stop once mid run. However, I did decide that during this week and next week, I will give myself a break after I finish my first lap and then the run walk cycle I am currently in as I do.
I completed, 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking.
Day 51: Tuesday
Tuesday run is uneventful.
I completed, 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking.
Day 52: Wednesday
Wednesday is a rest day.
Day 53: Thursday
Thursday is a terrible exercise day. Not long after I start I get a phone call, and right afterwards start to need a wee. I’m so distracted by my need to wee that I almost roll my ankle and fall over. Then with a 1/4 of my first lap to go, I get so desperate that I have to stop running and walk back home to go to the toilet.
When I get back out, I’m determined to do better, but I get another phone call. Then I’m forced to stop mid run because there are so many cars parked on the pavement that they are difficult to get around and are obscuring my view.
I complete, 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking.
Day 54: Friday
Unlike Thursday, Friday is a great exercise day. It’s so good, that it makes me want to increase my run time and decrease my walk time, but I’m not going to, I’m going to stick to my plan. During the entire run, I only checked my phone for my runtime twice, once on my first cycle, once on my last cycle, and although I had to stop mid run once, it was because I thought I had lost part of my headphones inside my ear and panicked. I hadn’t.
I complete, 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking.
Day 55: Saturday
Saturday is a rest day.
Day 56: Sunday
Sunday is a rest day.
Phase 3 – Week 7
I have –
1. Reassessed what my goals were when I started exercising. It was never about achieving a full run, although I want to. It was about losing weight and keeping it off.
2. Accepted that I am different to other people, and that what other people find easy, I find hard.
3. Accepted that my current circumstances are different to my previous circumstances. I’m never going to enjoy running outside.
4. Finally “thrown away the guidebook;” I am not opening it again, at least until I am fully running.
5. Set myself a new achievable plan.
Weeks 1-4: 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking.
Weeks 5–8: 2 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking.
Weeks 9–12: 2 laps of 4 minutes running, 1 minute walking.
Weeks 13-16: 4 1/2 minutes running ,1/2 a minute walking.
Weeks 17 to 20: 2 laps of a full run.
Before making this plan, I did a test run, of 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking. The reason I decided on this particular combination was because it was the last time I was not only comfortable but excelling, and it was where I began phase 3, meaning that it was pre-changes.
6. Identified that I am currently struggling to go outside again, so made this one of my goals.
7. Finally settled on a schedule, meaning set days and times. Although I am aware that it won’t always be possible to stick to it, I am going to stick to it as much as I can.
My days are –
Exercise days: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday
Rest days: Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday
My times are currently in between 3– 4 o’clock
Phase 3 – Week 7
On the day I rolled my ankle, I realised that I had changed too much about my exercise routine at once, which I now understand completely destroyed; my stamina; the progress I had made; as well as my ability to – progress, and to engage and cope, physically and mentally, with running and my journal. At this point though, all I understood was that I had almost suffered a serious accident due to being unable to engage mentally, therefore, I had no choice but to take a break.
By the end of week 7, I was aware of what contributed to my accident. I want to go through each of the mistakes I made individually, even though it is my belief that none of these things alone would have caused it.
1. Not accepting that my circumstances when I previously ran and enjoy it were different: I was running on a treadmill in the gym.
2. Not accepting my circumstances are different to other peoples: not everybody struggles with –
• Severe asthma
• Stress at the thought of having to go outside
• Stress related hallucinations…
• And seizures
• Mood…
• And “behavioural problems”
• Severe concentration…
• And attention problems
• Easily becoming “afraid”
• Or “paranoid”
3. Messing with my running pace, which led to pain in my knees and lungs, as well as breathing difficulties.
4. Halving my laps, because I believed it would help me achieve a full run faster, but which further broke down my stamina.
5. Switching from manually timing my runs, to using my phone, causing me to become disorientated and distressed by not knowing how long I had left to run.
6. Frequently changing what days I rest and exercise on, therefore leaving me routineless. As we all know without routine I become unstable, hysterical and unable to function.
*On the Monday of week 7, I weighed myself and discovered that I had gained half a stone, so everything I lost, in week 5 and 6.
Phase 3 – week 7
Monday: rest day
Tuesday: rest day
Wednesday: rest day
Thursday: rest day
Friday: rest day
Saturday: rest day
Sunday: 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking
Phase 3 – Week 7
Sunday
By Thursday, I wanted to start going for a run again, even though I had promised myself two weeks rest for the sake of my mental health and potentially sprint ankle. Mainly this was due to weighing myself and finding that I had regained all the weight I had lost this year. However, I’d already identified most of the mistakes which led to my accent.
At first, I resisted going, because one of my new exercise rules is that I will create and stick to realistic plans, so going for a run before the end of the two weeks felt as though I was breaking this rule before it even came into effect.
This was until Sunday, when I realised that I was once again struggling with just the idea of going outside, which pushed me into going for a test run, to see how my ankle was, and whether my new goals were actually achievable.
My ankle was fine. Although, there was a moment near the beginning of my run, where I stepped off the pavement and landed on it hard, in a funny position, and worried I had injured it.
Though, I found that, I was struggling with the 3 minutes of running, and kept checking my phone, I believe that practice and patience will resolve this.
Taking the week off has fix my paced issues, as I am back to my normal pace.
During my run, I was almost hit by two adult men speeding around the corner on an electric scooter, and narrowly avoided tripping over a partially smashed watermelon, abandoned in the middle of the road.
Phase 3 – Week 6
3×1 lap of 4 minutes running, 1 minute walking, days unknown.
Phase 3 – Week 6
Day 36: Monday
All I write for Monday’s entry is –
Stop Starty
Been busy
Hurt toe
I will have completed 1 lap of 4 minutes running, 1 minute walking.
Date 37: Tuesday
Tuesdays notes simply say –
Stop starty third day in a row.
This isn’t true, it’s the second day. My sanity is clearly, dangerously close to slipping.
Day?: The day of the accident
These notes say they were written on Wednesday but I know this isn’t true. However, I don’t know if they happened on the Thursday or the Friday.
All I wrote underneath the day was –
Stopped cycle one, hallucinating.
Stopped cycle two, phone call.
Third cycle twisted ankle, almost fell. Finish last 47 seconds of running anyway.
Here’s what I remember –
I slept from the afternoon the day before, until around 3 or 4 am this morning, because I hadn’t slept the night before that.
After cleaning the flat, I went for a morning run.
The hallucinations were heavy black snow, I couldn’t see through.
The phone call was from my mum tho I don’t recall what was said.
I believe when I rolled my ankle and almost fell I was checking my phone, to see how many more seconds I had left to run, as I was struggling both physically and mentally
Later, I decide to take two weeks rest, if not for my ankle, for my mental health, but I want to talk about that decision in next weeks post.
Phase 3 – Week 5
Monday: Rest day.
Tuesday: 1 lap of 4 minutes running, 1 minute walking.
Wednesday: 1 lap of 4 minutes running, 1 minute walking.
Thursday: Rest day.
Friday: 1 lap of 4 minutes running, 1 minute walking.
Saturday: Rest day
Sunday: 1 lap of 4 minutes running, 1 minute walking.
Phase 3 – Week 5
This weeks journal notes show the decline in both my mental and physical ability to continue on with my running and my running journal without a break, as do next weeks, so there really isn’t much to them. However, they do count towards my run in general, running progress (or rather decline in this instance) and are important examples of why –
• You do need to take breaks from your exercise routine occasionally for both your physical and mental well-being
• You should set realistic goals and stick to them
• You shouldn’t try to progress too quickly.
While preparing to write this weeks blog post, I couldn’t find my notes, that is how badly I have been struggling. In the end, it took me the best part of an hour to locate them.
Day 29: Monday
On Monday I have to go into town to sort out that urgent problem that I couldn’t fix last Wednesday, which changes Monday from an exercise day to a rest day.
Date 30: Tuesday
On Tuesday, I complete 1 lap of 4 minutes running, 1 minute walking, even though it’s really difficult.
This takes me 15 minutes, or 3 run/walk cycles.
Day: 31 Wednesday
On Wednesday, I have to stop running twice and am heckled by a group of teenage boys at the 3/4 point. This leaves me feeling like my run wasn’t worth it and terribly upset that I can’t go outside without being approached, bothered, hassled, or harassed
Day 32: Thursday
Thursday as a rest day.
Date 33: Friday
when I return home after my run on Friday, I simply write a list which says –
Hungry
Rainy
Tired
Stopped all three cycles
Date 34: Saturday
Even though it’s raining on Saturday, I’m determined to go for my run, because if I don’t go today, I will have to go tomorrow, meaning I will be doing 2 or 3 exercise days in a row. But, when I reach the front door to the block of flats I realise that the rain is much heavier than I thought it was. when I open the door, the wind immediately sweeps the rain inside. aware that I won’t make it to the gate before having to give up, I resign myself to going tomorrow instead.
Date 35: Sunday
On Sunday, I forget to take my morning medication which includes my inhalers, before leaving my flat to exercise, which means I can’t breathe during my run. Despite this, I battle through not stopping once, but cutting my last run short by 30 seconds.
Part 1
To say I was shocked and horrified, when I arrived at work on the Thursday evening following my date with Ste S and discovered that he had lied that I had a wonderful time on our date and we were now in a relationship, would be a gross understatement, as I felt physically sick over it. Despite how desperate and frantic my attempts to correct the the lies were, everybody laughed as though I was joking, which left me a combination of; confused, afraid, upset, angry, frustrated and isolated. I confronted Ste S about it that evening, making it clear that we were not a couple. I had tried to convince myself that it was a misunderstanding and he gotten the wrong impression as I searched for him beforehand, but afterwards he continue trying to grope me when we were alone, and talking to all our colleagues about our relationship.
His physical assaults were not only violating and left me feeling dirty and ashamed, they also left me feeling disgusted and ill, as he would do stuff like beltch really loudly, rattly and wetly, then immediately try to stick his tongue in my mouth. Not only was I in a constant state of fear of being molested while I was at work, I was fearful a supervisor or manager would witnesses it happening and I would get fired for gross misconduct.
Eventually I decided to “play along” and “break up with him,” which quickly became part of my daily work routine, because the next time he saw me he would act as though the conversation had never happened.
Regardless of Ste S’ pretence that we were a couple, I knew, that he knew, that we were not, as he never contacted me outside of work, or asked me on another date, or to meet his family or friends, et cetera.
Due to the assaults, I began cutting my breaks short, or spending them in the women’s toilets, if I found myself alone, but there was nothing I could do to prevent him from finding me while I was working on the shopfloor, so I attempted to get him fired, like I had done with Michael C. However, the managers didn’t care that he was drinking on the job, or driving the forklift without a license, in fact they told me that he did have a license and I must have misunderstood him when he bragged to me that he didn’t.
During this entire time, Ste S was pressuring me to have sex with him. Where he expected us to have this sex is a mystery to me, as we both lived with our mums, and as I constantly made it clear that I wasn’t going to have sex with him, I never found out. Eventually he lost his temper with me and brought up Michael C, calling me names that implied I was “sexually promiscuous”.
“I never let Michael C touch me,” I spat through gritted teeth, with tears in my eyes. “I’ve never had sex and you won’t be my first.” I had naïvely expected this to end his aggressive demands, but it did the opposite. The thought that I had never had sex obviously excited him, and his aggression towards me over it grew.
Thinking about this now as a 34 year old woman makes my skin crawl.
Ash B’s party was an impulse event on her part, and Michael B arriving home when he did was pure luck. I truly believe, that if it wasn’t for Michael B, I would be telling you a very different story today, a story about rape, rather than a story about a very lucky escape.
Ironically, it was Ste S that set the chain of events, that would end is ability to abuse me, into motion. It started when he mentioned to Ash B that he was meeting one of his friends at the pub across the car park straight after work. Ash B then went around inviting everybody, who wasn’t a supervisor or manager, to join them, even though Ste S didn’t seem pleased to have additional company. This was very strange as going to that pub, or any pub, as a group wasn’t something we had ever done. Me and Ash B went into town clubbing together, as did some of the other staff who were friends, but staff nights out weren’t a thing at the DIY shop (except for the staff christmas’s party, which I never attended). Plus, we were all wearing our work uniforms and were covered in the usual dust and grime, meaning we were not staff night out ready. At first I refused to go, but Ash B nagged and nagged until I agreed to go for half an hour, then I was going home.
Even though it was Saturday night, there was hardly anybody else at the pub, just a handful of old men.
Not long after we arrived, Ash B made a comment to Ste S’ friends about how he must’ve heard all about me, which confused him because he had heard nothing about me.
“You’ve heard nothing about me because we’re not a couple and Ste S knows it, yet he constantly tells everybody at work that we are and inappropriately touches me,” I announced confidently and loudly. It felt really good to say it again out loud, as I had resigned myself to just agreeing that we were a couple publicly while privately trying to break up with him, because I was ashamed about what was happening.
There were a few forced laughs in response, but mostly I was met with uncomfortable silence.
Realising that either nobody believed my protest, or if they did they weren’t going to intervene to help me, and aware that Ste S was never going to allow me to “break up with him,” I decided that I needed to force him to break up with me. Not only was there no better time or place to make that happen, this was the only opportunity I would get, as we were only ever together in work.
From the minute we had left the DIY store until this point, Ste S had been texting me insisting that tonight was the night I was going to stop being a frigid bitch and have sex with him. Now his texts were demanding that I stop embarrassing him in front of everyone.
I knew that I had to do something so extreme that he would have no choice but to break up with me in order to save face, but I didn’t know what. I sat there for more than the half an hour I had agreed to stay, turning the problem over in my mind and knocking back drink after drink. It wasn’t until Ste S’ friends who was sat in between me and Ste S snapped me out of it that the idea came to me.
“You’re so pretty, how did you end up with an ogre like Ste?” His tone was playful.
“Kiss him,” my brain urged. “What could be more embarrass than your girlfriend cheating on you with your friend, who she’s only just met, in front of you and your colleagues?”
I couldn’t think of anything worse.
“Are you single?” I asked.
“Yes,” he nodded. “Why?”
“I wasn’t joking before. I am single too. That’s why I can do this,” as soon as the words left my mouth I realised that I couldn’t bring myself a kiss complete stranger, but I needed to do something and he was staring at me expectantly, so, instead, I leaned in and put his ear in my mouth.
As I did, everybody around the table fell into a stunned silence, and my phone erupted into a frenzy of urgent pings. Then somebody cheered, which caused everybody, except Ste S who was frantically typing on his mobile, to laugh.
“Who is next?” I jokingly shouted as I released his ear, not expecting anybody to answer, but several people volunteered.
I paused just long enough to see that all my text were from Ste S, who was now publicly acting like entire thing was a hilarious joke he had Orchestrated, while secretly seething, and send a reply. “You think I’m easy. I’ll show you easy,” I tried my best to smile lightheartedly as I typed, but my smile, felt like the sneer it was.
After that I went around the table shamelessly and (fake) enthusiastically putting everybody’s ears in my mouth. When I finished I had several more angry text from Ste S.
” I would do everybody around this table before I’d do you,” I sent back. This time my smile was real.
Phase three – Week four
Monday: 2 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Tuesday: Rest day
Wednesday : Rest day
Thursday: 2 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Friday: 2 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Saturday: 5/8 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking
3/8 full run
= 3.324 miles
Sunday: Rest day
Phase three – Week four
Monday: 2 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Tuesday: Rest day
Wednesday : Rest day
Thursday: 2 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Friday: 2 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Saturday: 5/8 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking
3/8 full run
= 3.324 miles
Sunday: Rest day
Total miles: 13.296
Phase 3 – Week 4
Day 22: Monday
On Monday, my attempt to match my previous pace causes me to struggle. Due to my current pace being slower than my original, my knees here. Due to my current pace being faster than what I have recently been doing, my lungs are burning and I am unable to catch my breath.
Maybe I’ve come out at a slightly different time, whatever the reason, there are more cars fully parked on the pavement than there normally is, between the halfway and the endpoint of my route. This means there is severely restrict the pavement access.
Before I enter the narrow long stretch of street between several cars and garden walls, I checked both in front of me and behind me. There’s nobody else around. I’ve taken less than ten steps when a cyclist behind me, who was not there literally ten seconds ago, starts furiously ringing his bell at me, demanding that I move out of his way and let him pass me.
What the actual fuck?
Where does he want me to go?
And why isn’t he on the road where he should be?
Eventually, because I don’t move, because I can’t move, he does get onto the road, muttering loudly as he does.
It’s on my second lap, just passed that same place, when I have a similar, but much scarier encounter. Once again I am between the vehicles and the walls when a bike come speeding towards me, and without attempting to stop or slow down, enters the very narrow stretch of pavement in between the cars and the walls too. It’s only thanks to an open garden gate that I’m not mowed down by him.
To add insult to near serious injury, he’s wearing a helmet.
If you are helmet prick, I would really love to know why, as you are riding on the pavement, you wearing a helmet?
Is it in case the pedestrian you mow down causes you to go over your handlebars as you hit them?
I complete 2 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking.
Day 23: Tuesday
Tuesday is a rest day.
Day 24: Wednesday
When I wake up on Wednesday my mood is horrendous. I’m still severely – depressed, angry, agitated, hyperactive and restless; but I am also suffering from an emotion I can only describe as unstable hysteria. It’s an emotion that I know well. It’s the emotion that leads me to spend money on weird stuff, scream and cry at work (when I had a job,) and experience – shaky, impulsive suicidal fantasies.
When I am in moods like this one, I am beyond my own control.
As you probably guessed the day doesn’t get any better from here.
There is already a raging storm outside; torrential rain, thunder, lightning, howling wind. There’s no way I can go running in weather like that.
Then, I am faced with two problems, that I feel the desperate urge to solve immediately. Before I have time to consider these problems, I find myself, soaking wet, on the bus, going into town, to solve them.
I only managed to solve one of them.
Day 25: Thursday
On Thursday, my unstable hysteria has faded enough for me to be semi functional.
As I eat breakfast, I debate what set of days I’m best exercising on, I know I’m going backwards and forwards but I can’t help it. I am behind and I feel as though catching up is impossible. I am wishing I had gone running on Tuesday, instead of leaving it until Wednesday. During my run I am heckled (I’m not sure if heckled is the correct word, as what happens to me is silent) by a man who looks as though he is in his late forties or early fifties, and who, I think must be drunk, on drugs, or both. He is strolling along a good bit ahead of me, travelling in the same direction as me. For seemingly no reason, he stops and turns to watch me. His expression is full of furious malice, so I am thankful that I am at the only place on my route that is wide open, which allows me to keep a few metres distance as I’m passing. As I do, he mimes running in a manner that makes me feel violated and afraid. Yet, I can’t explain why.
I completely 2 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minute walking.
Day 26: Friday
Friday is one of those uneventful days I love.
It is also the first day in a while, that I don’t stop mid run.
I completely 2 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minute walking.
Day 27: Saturday
Because it’s my third exercised in a row, I’m really struggling. Every time I strike the ground with my left foot, I get an ache in my left shin. It gets so strong that 5/8 of the way around, I decided I need to stop in case I injure myself again.
I walk the last 3/8.
Day 28: Sunday
Sunday is a rest day.
Monday: 2 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Tuesday: 2 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Wednesday: Rest Day
Thursday: 3/4 of a lap of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking
1 lap of 7 minutes running, 3 minutes walking
1/4 of a lap of 3 1/2minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking.
= 3.3 to 4 miles
Friday: 2 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking = 3.324 miles
Saturday: Rest day
Sunday: Rest day
Total miles= 13.296
Total run % = 70
Phase 3-Week 3
Day 15: Monday
On Monday, I throwaway my plan to do another week of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking and progress to 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking.
As a result of the first lap being easy (it will be the only easy lap of the week) I feel like I have made the right decision, not that I considered it before I did it. Like on so many other occasions, I left the flat with the intention of doing one thing and less than a minute later I was doing another.
The second lap is slightly harder and it is made far waste by the people I encounter, who are –
• 2 individual and separate smokers.
⁃ Every exercise day this week, I have passed at least 1 smoker. I really hope that it is a result of it being summer and/or the covid restrictions being lifted and it dies back down, as it’s not only causing me breathing problems while I’m running, but also during the rest of the time.
• And a man spraying his garden, with some (probably toxic) mystery liquid.
Watching the pavement is crucial, due to all the inconsiderate idiots that drive vehicles along them and I don’t see him spraying his garden until it’s too late, which makes me wonder if when he sprays me, he sprays me on purpose. This man definitely would’ve seen me coming, as the garden walls/fences/bushes are low down all the way along this road and it is 1/4 of a lap, or 1/4 of 1.662 miles, and his house is near the end of the street. As I pass, the spray shoots out so far, that it not only hits me, but also a passing car. Whatever he is spraying isn’t water. I know this because it goes into my left eye, causing it to burn and sting, as well as my mouth and it doesn’t taste like water. This happens near the end of my run, causing me to walk the rest of the way home, because of the pain and irritation in my left eye.
I complete 2 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking.
Day 16: Tuesday
This week I’m still working on my pace and stride, as well as 1 new tip from the relax and run tall list, which is the bend your arms at 90° angles tip.
Although I am only two days into this exercise week, by the time I finish today’s run, I decided that all these tips are having a negative impact on my run. Maybe I will revisit them at a later stage and have a different opinion, I doubt both, but for now I am writing all these tips off as terrible advice.
The problems that I am having with each of these pieces of advice are as follows –
1. Take small strides
Do you remember in phase 2, when I said that I wanted to work on taking bigger strides,
Well, I never achieved that.
This makes me wonder what is classed as short strides and what is classed as long strides.
My strides still feel too short – and now I am what? – Trying to keep them this size? – Trying to shorten them? – When I still feel as though I need to be increasing them.
My stride length is far from comfortable, and it is because they are too small.
So, back to trying to increase them I go.
2. Find your happy pace
Running slowly has done the opposite of help me, it is made running much more difficult for me, and as a result my knees hurt so badly that they keep forcing me to stop mid run.
To make matters worse, I can’t get back to my previous pace.
Due to the fact that I am a naturally fast walker, I’m also a naturally fast runner.
I’m furious at the guide.
I’m furious at myself.
My original pace was my happy place and I have allowed the guide to destroy it .
In an attempt to fix this, I will be adding 2 extra weeks of 2 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking, while working on getting back to my normal pace.
3. Bend your elbows at 90° angles
Listen, I’m sure if I googled “Why should I bend my elbows at 90° angles while running?” The Internet would have a lot to stay in its favour, but I don’t. My natural elbow angle is an acute angle between my upper and lower arm on the inside. While I’m running outside, so having to carry stuff, that’s not going to change. Constantly reminding myself to adjust them is distracting to the point of causing me to stop to correct the angel, and because focusing on this is causing me to lose count how many seconds I’ve been running.
Today, all these problems are beyond irritating to me.
I complete a very stop, starty, 2 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minute walking.
Day 17: Wednesday
Wednesday is a rest day.
Day 18: Thursday
On Thursday, it feels like I am stopping to walk too frequently, which I know isn’t the case, as I am running for longer, meaning I am stopping less frequently than I was before. However, the feeling is annoying me so much that when I reach the 3/4 point of my first lap, I change my run time to 7 minutes and my walk time to 3 minutes, not changing them back until I’ve done a full lap.
I complete collapse of 70% running, 30% walking.
Day 19: Friday
Going for a run on Friday is a mistake, as I still struggle on every second exercise day I do in a row.
For some reason, I don’t understand, not to do with the exercise itself, but rather with writing about it, I have begun to desperately want to get my exercise days out of the way.
This is having a negative impact on both my ability to run and my progress.
Although I have promised myself, for 5 (?) Weeks, that I will go back to exercising on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday, I mean it this time.
I completely left of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking.
Day 20: Saturday
Saturday is a rest day.
De 21: Sunday
Sunday is a rest day.
Phase 3 – Week 4: 2 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking
Phase 3 – Week 5 : 2 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking
Phase 3 – Week 6: 2 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking
Phase 3 – Week 7: 2 laps of 4 minutes running, 1 minutes walking
Phase 3 – Week 8: 2 laps of 4 minutes running, 1 minutes walking
Phase 3 – Week 9: 2 laps of 4 1/2 minutes running, 1/2 minute walking
Phase 3 – Week 10: 2 laps of 4 minutes running, 1/2 minute walking
Phase 3- Week 11: Full run
My schedule
Monday: 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking – 3.324 miles
Tuesday: 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking – 3.324 miles
Wednesday: Rest day
Thursday: 1 laps of 6 minutes running, 2 minutes walking – 1.662 miles
1 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking – 1.662 miles
Total miles: 3.324
Friday: 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking – 3.324 miles
Saturday: Rest day
Sunday: Rest day
Phase 3- Week 2
Day 8: Monday
The first Monday and Tuesday of every fortnight are always busy for me, because I do things like pay my bills. Today, I also have a blood test to go to. By the time I get around to going for my run, I am hungry, tired and in a terrible mood. Add to this that my legs feel stiff and its raining outside. I don’t want to go for my run. I want to stay home, make dinner and get ready for bed, but I am dedicated to my exercise routine, so I go.
I’ve not been out long when my eyes start burning. Unsure of whether it’s the rain itself causing the burning, or if the rain is mixing with sweat, I try my best not to rub my eyes. This is impossible. Having water in my eyes restricts my poor vision further and feels awful, even without the burning.
At the half way point of my first lap, I pass three teenage boys. I haven’t gotten far when they sprint up to, and run alongside, me, before passing me. As they do, one of them puts his arms out, as though he is crossing the finish line of a race.
I have to stop running, as I am gone laughing.
I complete 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking.
Day 9: Tuesday
Yesterday night, while I was washing my hair, I discovered a massive lump on the back of my head. When I touch it, it sends ripples of pain, accompanied by popping sounds and sensations, across my head, and I feel as though I am going to be sick.
The lump wasn’t there when I woke up. I don’t feel like I have had a seizure, and I haven’t woken up on the ground or anywhere strange. Also, I don’t seem to have any missing time. From what I remember of the day, I haven’t banged my head.
Finding the lump was distressing enough, but the circumstances around finding it made that distress even worse. I am already emotionally fragile, so one online appointment request, four phone calls to and from my doctors surgery, which includes one telephone appointment, over both today and yesterday, and I am a hysterical mess, that can not stop crying.
I debate going for a run.
Con- If I can’t stop crying, I wont be able to run.
Pro- Going for a run might stop the crying.
Eventually, I decide to go. It does stop the crying, but only while I am running. As soon as I get home, I start crying again.
I complete 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking.
Day 10: Wednesday
On Tuesday night, I accidentally take my antidepressant instead of my antipsychotic. I realise what I have done about half an hour later, when I begin to feel shaky and wired (?). A quick look at my pillboxes confirms my error.
Due to how exhausted I am, I do try to sleep, but I can’t, so I get back up and tell myself that I am going to use this time to finish my phase 2 guide, which I have been struggling to write for days now.
when I finish, I am disappointed with how little I had to say about phase 2 and am worried its not my best work because of how tired I am.
Regardless, I move straight on to planning phase 2, which looks like this:
Week 1: 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking. (Already completed.)
Week 2: 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking. (This week.)
Week 3: 2 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking.
Week 4: 2 laps of 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking.
Week 5: 2 laps of 4 minutes running, 1 minutes walking.
Week 6: 2 laps of 4 minutes running, 1 minutes walking.
Week 7: 2 laps. Full run.
Once my plan is down on paper, I feel a bit worried about my final week, as it feels like too much of a huge progress leap.
When I start reading the guides advice for phase 3 that worry grows, as it confirms my suspicions that 7 weeks isn’t long enough to progress from half a run to a full run.
About its own phase 3 schedule the guide says, “If its moving to fast then you may want to spend two weeks or more on each weeks training before you feel ready to move on. You can stretch this plan on as long as you like, although, ideally, you’d complete it in 14 weeks.”
Immediately, I have the urge to change my plan, but fight it and read tip 1.
This is enough to break my plan.
Tip 1
Find your happy pace
This tip advices us to run at a pace where we could hold a conversation, in order to run farer.
No matter how fast I go, I would alway be, as the guide puts it, “huffing and Puffing.” Also, I am a naturally faster walker, so I am naturally a fast runner. Running slowly is difficult for me.
The reason it breaks my plan though is this line-
“If you run faster than you should, it’s going to hurt all the time and you’ll never get to a point where you can do it for 30 minutes.”
I decide to change my plan properly tomorrow, but for now I write a note to remind me that both weeks 2 and 3 will be 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking, and that I will be working on both my pace and stride during these two weeks.
Day 11: Thursday
After not sleeping on Tuesday night, I fall asleep at around 2pm on Wednesday afternoon and am woken up by my neighbour upstairs at around 4am on Thursday morning.
As I sit with a cup of coffee I think about tip 1 and start to feel angry.
Is the guide trying to sabotage peoples progress?
Thats how it feels.
While I clean my flat, I seethe over it some more, until it becomes to much.
At around 8am, I drag my exercise clothes on and head out.
For my first lap, I run for 6 minutes and walk for 2 minutes. This is enough to kill myself doubt. For my second lap I run for 3 minutes and walk for 2 minutes.
Although its busy, I wish I was up early enough to run at this time every day.
Day 12: Friday
I was planning in going for a run today, but as soon as I wake up, I begin to question whether it’s a good idea.
The reasons that I was planning to make today an exercise day are:
1. I had a doctors appointment booked for this afternoon to go in and have the lump on the back of my head checked.
2. I really want two rest days in a row.
However, everything seems to be warning me not to go.
Firstly, the lump on my head is almost completely gone, as is the pain and popping, and the nausea is gone, so I cancel my appointment.
Secondly, I have no running leggings to put on under my tracksuit bottoms, which doesn’t prevent me from going, it just means I will be extra distracted and annoyed during my run.
Finally, that extra 3 minutes I did per run cycle has really taken its toll on me. I am absolutely exhausted and my legs, knees and feet are aching.
In the end, I promise myself that I’ll take it easy and work on my stride and pace. Then I pull on my running clothes and head out.
It’s difficult, but I survive it, which seems like an achievement.
I complete 3 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking.
Day 13: Saturday
Saturday is a rest day.
Day 14: Sunday
Sunday is a rest day.
A quick note, or rather an apology, before today’s post.
As you all know, I am very unwell with my mental health and as a result I struggle to concentrate. The last few weeks my mental health has been worse than it usually is. As you might have guessed from last weeks post, I’ve been struggling to complete the second part of this story. To be honest I’ve been struggling to even start it, so I have decided to split it up into three parts, with the hope that having smaller sections to work on will finally help me complete it. However, all three parts will be published on the same day.
My schedule
Monday: 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking – 3.324miles
Tuesday: 3 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking – 3.24 miles
Wednesday: Rest day
Thursday: 3 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking – 3.24 miles
Friday: 3 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking – 3.24 miles
Saturday: Rest day
Sunday: Rest day
Phase 3 – Week 1
Day 1: Monday
Slowly, I have fallen behind on everything and that includes my exercise. As usual, I am forgetting to write down notes about my runs that will then be turned into journal blog posts, I am also behind on writing those posts as well, and now I have both a phase 2 guide and a plan for phase 3 to write. Not to mention that it took me over twice the amount of time as it should have to complete phase 2, and I haven’t read, or researched, any tips in a long time.
Reaching phase 3 is hopefully the fresh start I need to get me back on track, even if it’s just with my exercise progress.
My I don’t have a plan yet plan, was to start phase 3 on 2 1/2 minutes running, 2 1/2 minutes walking, which is what I was doing at the end of phase 2, but to reduce my laps to 2. This is because my focus for phase 3 is getting to a full run, and I feel like the long distance is a hindrance to that, and my distance can be worked on once I am fully running. However, when I get outside, I feel as though I will be going backwards not forwards because of these changes if I don’t increase my run time and decrease my walk time, so I do 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking.
Since I started running again, after recovering from my sprained ankle, I’ve had a really painful cut on my left ankle at the back, and now one is developing on my right ankle in the same place. Plus my legs feel stiff.
Not surprisingly, I am almost hit by a bike.
When get to the end of my second lap, I want to do a third and question my plan to only do 2 laps for the entirety of phase 3. Maybe I should feel proud that I go home and stick to the plan, but I don’t. Instead I feel like a lazy failure.
I completed 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minute walking.
Day 2: Tuesday
Tuesday is meant to be a rest day. However, I have an important appointment tomorrow, so I go today instead. Last night, a twitter friend suggested that the reason my legs might be feeling stiff is that I’m not stretching before my run and not taking any water with me. So, on Tuesday, I do take water with me.
Never again.
The bottle that I take is designed for running, it is shaped like a zero so you can put your hand through it, but with my phone and keys, it’s still too much to carry. Not only is it distracting, I keep almost dropping it, my phone and my keys. I stop to drink from it three times, I don’t like that I have you stop if I want to drink out of it.
Today, I encounter two dangerous idiots riding vehicles on the pavement.
The first is woman riding an electric scooter with a child on it. The child is in her way, causing her difficulties controlling the scooter. This is actually becoming a regular issue.
The second is a man on a bike, who as I am passing some gates that are opened out onto the pavement, leaving only enough room for me, comes flying around the corner and doesn’t stop or get onto the road. Honestly, I don’t know how he didn’t hit me, but if he had hit me, I feel like he would have killed me.
I completed 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking.
Day 3: Wednesday
Wednesday is both a busy and bad day. After my appointment, I have the urge to go for a run, but I tell myself going for a run three days in a row never works out well, and shockingly, I listen.
Day 4: Thursday
Thursdays run is by far the worst of the week. 1/4 of the way around my first lap, I am almost hit by another idiot and child riding an electric scooter together, on the pavement.
Just around the corner from that, I passed a woman smoking. For the rest of my run and the night, I struggle to breathe.
Regardless, I complete 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking.
Day 5: Friday
Fridays notes are short and to the point. It should have been a rest day, but I went for an uneventful run.
I completed 2 laps of 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking.
Day 6: Saturday
Saturday is a rest day.
Day 7: Sunday
Sunday is a rest day.
Phase 1
Miles walked –98.636
Phase 2
Miles walked –98.315
Miles run –53.4178
Total miles- 151.7332
Over all total
Total miles walked –196.9514
Total miles run- 53. 4178
Total distance – 250.3692 miles
Part 1
Tip 1
Know what your personal progress goals are
Like in the phase 1 guide I wrote, this tip might sound so simple you skip it – Don’t!
It’s about knowing what your goals are, so that you don’t allow others to discourage, or distract, you from them.
This is what almost happened to me, while I was trying to follow a guide that wasn’t user friendly.
The guide is meant to help people with no experience of running get started. Yet, it is so over complicated that there is very little running to be found in the schedule for phase 2, and the instructions for what little running there is, are so overly complicated I can’t decipher them.
A lot of the schedule is cross training, by using either a bike or an elliptical trainer.
I can’t ride a bike, so I don’t own one, and although I have used an exercise bike in the past at the gym, I can’t afford a gym membership right now, which obviously means I can’t afford an exercise bike, but if I could afford one, I would be spending that money on a treadmill instead.
As for the elliptical trainer, I have no idea what it is.
Lets all be honest with the problems here.
If you can’t understand how to do something, or afford to do it, then you can’t do it, it’s that simple.
If you’re anything like me, and you find learning how to use new pieces of exercise equipment off putting, you’re not going to want to do it, especially if you can’t see how it’s going to help you achieve your overall goal.
If your goal is to run, my advice is to use your time to run, not messing around with bikes an elliptical trainers.
The same can be said about your money, and how you spend it.
The fact of the matter is, if I hadn’t been a “runner” in the past, it would’ve caused me to give up, because I have been a “runner” in the past, and it almost did,
On the other hand, you might be tempted to mess with an elliptical trainer because you’re dreading actually running – Don’t.
I said this in my phase 1 guide, but I will repeat it here, be purposeful with your exercise. Messing with an elliptical trainer might seem like a great way to avoid running in the short term, but if running is your goal, eventually you are going to have to start running, and the longer you stall, the harder it will be.
Tackle your goals head on, especially if you’re dreading doing so.
Tip 2
Plan your progress before you begin
This is another thing I struggled with because of the guide. However, this one is partly my fault, as I didn’t read ahead to see there was a phase 3 as well. Not only was I completely on my own with deciding how to progress, I was also under the impression that I needed to progress to full run within the 7 weeks, which I quickly learnt wasn’t possible, even if it had have been what the guide said to do.
If you haven’t consulted a doctor about your exercise plans yet, now might be a good time, especially if you have any health issues, as you can discus safe distances, ways to progress, and safe timescales for progressing.
If this is not an option, you could use Google to see if there is any advice on this online, from doctors or professional runners or trainers.
What I did, was use my phase 1 experience, as well as my previous experience as a runner, to progress. Although I did it as I went, without a plan, which I don’t recommend.
Let’s start with distance.
I would suggest a starting target of half your final walking distance in phase 1. If at any point you want to increase it (which I did, and it was a mistake) I would say don’t increase it to more than 3/4 of the same distance.
Although the guide told me to increase the amount of days a week I exercise from 4 to 5, I didn’t. When I started phase 2, not only didn’t I have time to fit in an extra day of exercising, I was confident that I wasn’t physically capable of exercising five days a week, and I was correct. Personally, I would recommend exercising 4 days a week during phase 2.
Next plan your run walk times. I started phase 2 by running 20% of my route and walking the other 80%, and ended it by running 50% and walking 50%.
When I say this, I don’t mean that I ran the first 20% – 50%, then walk the remainder. I did it in a continuous short cycle of run walk, meaning – I ran for 1 minute, walked for 4 minutes, ran for 1 minute, walked for 4 minutes, ran for 1 minute, walked for 4 minutes, and so on, on a loop.
So, that you can see what this looks like, and to help you plan your own progress, I have put together 2 examples schedules.
Schedule 1
Week 1- run for 1 minute, walk for 4 minutes
Week 2 – run for 1 minute, walk for 4 minutes
Week 3 – run for 1 1/2 minutes, walk for 3 1/2 minutes
Week 4 – run for 1 1/2 minutes, walk for 3 1/2 minutes
Week 5 – run for 2 minutes, walk for 3 minutes
Week 6 – run for 2 minutes, walk for 3 minutes
Week 7 – run for 2 1/2 minutes, walk for 2 1/2 minutes
Schedule 2
Week 1 – Full week -4/4 days -run 1 minute, walk 4 minutes
Week 2 – split week – 2/4 days -run 1 minute walk, 4 minutes
2/4 days – run for 1 1/2 minutes, walk for 3 1/2 minutes
Week 3- Full week – 4/4 days 1 1/2 minutes running, 3 1/2 minutes walking
Week 4 – Split week– 2/4 days – 1 1/2 minutes running, 3 1/2 minutes walking
2/4 days – 2 minutes running 3 minutes walking
Week 5- Full week -4/4 days – 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking.
Week 6 – Split week – 2/4 days – 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking
2/4 days – 2 1/2 minutes running 2/2 minutes walking
Week 7– Full week – 4/4 days – 2 1/2 minute running 2 1/2 minutes
Although I have written a 7 week schedule for both examples, if I were doing it again, I would double it to 14 weeks, because of how hard I found it.
If you choose to double it there are several ways you could do it.
You could pick one of my schedules and just make –
Week 1 – weeks 1 and 2
Week 2 – weeks 3 and 4
Week 3– weeks 5 and 6
Week4 – weeks 7 and 8
Week 5 – weeks 9 and 10
Week 6– weeks 11 and 12
Week 7– weeks 13 and 14
Or you could start with 30 seconds of running and a 4 1/2 minutes walking.
Or you change the increase and decrease time from 30 seconds to 15 seconds.
However, the best advice I can give you about planning how you progress is to take your weakness and limitations in consideration, and work with them, rather than against them.
Tip 3
Get to know any hazards on your route
Obviously, there are some hazards that you can’t do much about, such as being hit from behind by a bike or one of those horrible electric scooters.
With most hazards there will be nothing you can do to change them, but by being aware of them you may prevent an accident or injury.
For example.
On my route-
• There are a lot of open manhole covers
• As well as litter
• Which includes broken glass
• And dead animals.
• Most cars don’t indicate
• And many park so that they are blocking the entire pavement
• some even drive along the pavement in order to do this.
• There is a constantly slippy spot, that always feels icy
• And a person who always leaves their driveway gates open outwards onto the pavement so they are completely obstructing it.
I more than anybody understand that paying attention to and/or being aware of your surroundings isn’t always easy, so my advice is to keep a journal of the hazard you encounter. You’ll be surprised how quickly this helps you remember recurring problems to watch out for.
Tip 4
Trust that you know yourself better than anybody else knows you
Hopefully, you have already started to develop helpful habits and rituals to keep you motivated and on track.
If you haven’t now is the time to start.
The problem is that, there is so much advice out there that it’s not only hard to know what advice works, but will work for you in particular, because what works for somebody else might not work for you.
This entire guide has been very much focused on knowing your own strengths and weaknesses, and this tip is no exception.
Trust that you know yourself better than the advice givers, because the wrong advice can as easily break you, as it can make you.
Take the guides advice of rewarding yourself after every run, so that your brain associated the exercise you do with that reward.
My brain is incapable of doing this, as the part that controls impulse control doesn’t work. I will very quickly become addicted to the reward, and I will indulge in that reward whether I have been for a run or not.
For me the run has to be challenging and feel like work. My high goals and blog are what keep me motivated.
What keeps me on track is myself made calendar, it helps me to stay organised. I know what day of the phase I am on, and it helps me to swap exercise days and rest days without getting confused.
Find what works for you and stick to it.
Tip 5
Rest and recover if your body needs it
If you injure yourself, take time off to recover, its’s that simple.
However, you might be able to stop an injury from happening if you pay attention to your bodies warning signs. soreness, aches and persistent pains are all warning signs that you are at risk of injury. Take a break to rest, or slow down and adjust your schedule, in order to avoid an injury and the lengthy recovery time. After all, your goal is to build up your body, not break it down.
Tip 6
Log your miles
Log your miles. It’s both motivating, and helps you keep track of your progress, in the most accurate way.
Monday: 3 Laps of 2 1/2 minutes running, 2 1/2 minutes walking -4.986 miles
Tuesday: 3 Laps of 2 1/2 minutes running, 2 1/2 minutes walking -4.986 miles
Wednesday: Rest day
Thursday: Rest day
Friday: 3 Laps of 2 1/2 minutes running, 2 1/2 minutes walking -4.986 miles
Saturday: 3 Laps of 2 1/2 minutes running, 2 1/2 minutes walking -4.986 miles
Sunday: Is a rest day
Total miles: 19.944
Run percentage: 50%
Phase 2 – Week 7
Day 34: Monday
To say that I am excited by the potential that Mondays run holds is an understatement. There are several reasons why I feel like this is a landmark day, and none of them have anything to do with what I have planned for the run itself.
Firstly, I have made it to the final week of phase 2, which is a massive achievement in itself, but what makes it an even bigger achievement, is that I was beginning to believe I would never get here. Due to my concussion, surgery and sprained ankle, this phase has dragged on. In fact, it has taken me more than double the amount of time to complete phase 2 than it should have (and that is if nothing happens this week to set me back further).
Yes, this is disappointing in some ways. By now, I should be fully running, but it has also taught me that setbacks can and will happen, they are in evitable, and the longer you persevere the more setbacks you will encounter. What matters is that you don’t allow them to defeat you, and I certainly haven’t. I’m proud of myself for this. It’s a valuable lesson, and I am glad I learnt it early on, as I think it would have been much harder to overcome if I faced this challenge later.
It also feels serendipitous that phase 2 both began, and ended, with, events that forced me to take time off exercising to recover.
Secondly, today is both a Monday and the first day of the running week, which makes me at least feel as though things will be easier to remember, organise, do and deal with.
Thirdly, (and I might be wrong about this one) but is this my first real running week that I haven’t had an English Language lesson, test or work? Either way, it feels like there is more space in my week to focus on both running, and writing about running.
Due to all the above, I decide to tackle the last two phase 2 guidebook tips.
These tips are:
1. Practice patience
This is more advice on not doing too much too soon. It specifically focuses on not allowing yourself to be fooled into thinking you are more physically capable than you are, by any weight loss you achieve, no matter how large and achievement that weight loss is. It asks us to remember that we are building up the strength and/or density of our muscles, tendons, ligaments and bones, which takes time.
My verdict on this one, is that you should do as it advises.
Personally, I am probably going to continue to set high goals for my progress, even though I’ve already experienced exercise related injuries, because of how important challenging myself is to my motivation, which I have mentioned before.
2. Relax and run tall
This advises us to:
A. Take short strides.
B. Keep our elbows flexed at 90° angles.
C. Keep our hands relaxed –
“As if you are holding a piece of paper between your thumb and index finger.”
D. Picture ourselves walking tall…
E. And looking straight ahead…
F And avoid looking down at our feet.
I’ll be honest. I forgot this tip intermediately after reading it, which I suspect there are two reasons for.
1. It’s impossible, while I am running outdoors, not to look down while I am running. If I don’t I could step into, or trip over, an open manhole cover, as well as step on dead birds, rats and dogs shit, or run through nettles.
2. There is too much in this tip for me to remember at once.
So, I’m going to cut it up and spread it across Phase 3 starting from week 2.
There’s actually not much to say about Mondays itself.
My knees hurt.
As usual I almost get hit by a bike on the narrow pavement, because the person riding it expects me to go into the road. I’m seriously considering starting a petition to get bikes and electrics scooters off the UK pavements.
Let me know if you’d be interested in this.
I complete 2 laps of 2 1/2 minutes running, 2 1/2 minutes walking.
Day 44: Tuesday
Tuesday’s run is grim.
It looks cold out, and it’s cold inside my flat, so I wrap up warm, by putting a pair of running leggings under my tracksuit bottoms and two tops under my hoody, but when I get outside it’s actually boiling hot.
I’m not even out of the dog park, when two things that will cause me to have a bad first lap happen.
The first is that I start to feel like I need a wee, as I went before I left the flat, I tell myself I am imagining it. I am not.
The second is that as I stepped off the pavement, I stumble, hurting my right ankle. Convinced that I have now wrecked this ankle just after the left one has recovered, I forced myself forward knowing that if I have it’s going to end me as a runner, because I’ve already taken so much time off lately.
Luckily for me, both things are resolved by going back into my flat in between my first and second lap. I get to use the toilet, and take the pressure off my ankle for about 30 seconds, which appears to be all that was needed. This seems strange, but I don’t question it.
Today, I have to deal with a workman’s van, that said workmen has decided must be parked across the entire width of the pavement, and I’m just thinking how nice it is that I haven’t encountered an electric scooter in awhile, when one whizzes past me from behind, getting far too close to me.
During my last half a lap, I am forced, by how awful I feel physically, to stop mid run twice. I find myself thinking it’s because Tuesday is the Thursday, meaning I am on my second day of exercising in as many days.
It’s not until I get home that, I realised to change the start of my week from Wednesday to Monday I didn’t have to change the days I go running. I make the decision to swap them back next week.
I complete 3 laps of 2 1/2 minutes running, 2 1/2 minutes walking.
Day 45: Wednesday
Wednesday is a rest day.
Day 46: Thursday
Thursday should be an exercise day, but after how badly I struggled on Tuesday, I don’t feel ready to face it again.
Day 47: Friday
Fridays run is just how I like it – uneventful.
To my surprise, at the end of my third lap I find myself wanting to do another. For once though, I do the sensible thing. I tell myself that because I am going for a run tomorrow, I can’t overdo it today, and go home.
I complete 3 laps of 2 1/2 minutes running, 2 1/2 minutes walking.
Day48: Saturday
On Saturday, I’m really glad that I went home and didn’t do that extra lap yesterday, as I am really struggling again. Near the end of my run, I have to stop mid run a couple of times as I feel awful.
Nothing worth noting happens on todays run, unless you count an old man who is out in his garden with his dog cheering me on.
I complete 3 laps of 2 1/2 running, 2 1/2 minutes walking.
Day 49: Sunday
Sunday is a rest day.
Wednesday – 3 laps of 2 1/2 minutes running, 2 1/2 minutes walking = 4.986miles
Thursday – 3 laps of 2 1/2 minutes running, 2 1/2 minutes walking = 4.986 miles
Friday – rest day
Saturday – rest day
Sunday – rest day
Phase 2 – week G 1/2
Wednesday
On Wednesday my ankle no longer feels uncomfortable, but my knee is still bothering me.
It’s a hot day. Yet, the ground feels icy and slippery, which is really weird and causes me to consider stopping several times in case I fall, but I don’t stop or fall, not even when it starts raining.
Other than that, my run is uneventful, which is the way I like it, but that means that I don’t have much to write about.
Today has been my easiest run since I started again.
I complete 3 laps of 2 1/2 minutes running, 2 1/2 minutes walking.
Thursday
Thursday is also uneventful.
I complete 3 laps of 2 1/2 minutes running, 2 1/2 minutes of walking.
During my run I think about why I’m finding it so hard to progress to a full run, I’m finding it far more difficult than the last time I did it. I come to the conclusion that it’s the difference in mileage. Back then I was running for 2 miles, now I’m running for almost 5 miles.
Friday
“Last night,” I didn’t manage to get to sleep until 8 am because of my neighbours, which means that I didn’t wake up until after 3 pm and didn’t take my morning medication until almost 6 pm. Due to taking my morning medication so late, I’m afraid that it is not safe to take my medication, so as I know I won’t sleep anyway tonight, because I woke up so late, I make the decision to not take my night medication and stay awake until tomorrow afternoon. This will mean missing my morning medication, and taking my night medication early. It also means missing a run, because it’s too late to go when I wake up on Friday, and going Sunday will mean I have to go three days in a row, which right now I accept I can’t do.
Regardless of all the cons, I don’t actually have a choice, so that is what I do.
My Schedule
Wednesday-Rest day
Thursday-Rest day
Friday-Rest day
Saturday-3 laps of 2 1/2 minutes running, 2 1/2 minutes walking -4.986 miles
Sunday-3 laps of 2 1/2 minutes running, 2 1/2 minutes walking -4.986 miles
Monday-Rest day
Tuesday-Rest day
phase 2 – week G
Saturday
As my ankle has been feeling normal for the last couple of days, Saturday is meant to be a test day in order for me to decide if I can start exercising again. However, when I wake up, there is no question as to whether or not I am going to start exercising again, because I have no choice but to, even if my ankle is still injured. The reason for this, is that I am dreading my run to the point that I don’t want to go, and I am aware that the longer I take off the more this dread will grow, until it is so bad that I can’t go. You might think that I am being dramatic, but I can assure you I am not. Look at how quickly walking and running became an activity I wasn’t able to miss. The same is happening because I haven’t been for a run for so long. The only explanation that I have for this, is that I am borderline, so things quickly become who I am.
This isn’t me saying that I don’t care about my ankle, and the long term effects that running on it, if it is still injured will have on it, I am, but if it’s still injured I am going to need to see a doctor about it, and getting doctor’s appointment will take me awhile. While I am trying to get a doctor’s appointment, I will need to keep running, so that I don’t put the weight I have lost back on. After all, if I become overweight, that’s going to affect my physical health more than an ankle injury.
Every day I don’t go for a run at the moment, could be the day that breaks me as a runner.
When I begin, my ankle feels a bit uncomfortable, and I quickly noticed that I am leading with my left foot. what I mean by this is that every time I start running or change from walking to running, I am pushing off with my right foot and landing on my left, which means that my left foot is constantly taking that initial impact, which seems harder than it is during walking and running. I wonder if my broken shoe or injury has caused this, and make a conscious effort to try to use both feet equally.
Although I know it’s going to be difficult, I start from the progress point I was at before I had my surgery, this is 3 laps of 2 1/2 minutes running, 2 1/2 minutes walking. I do this because I have worked too hard to get to the progress point I am currently at, and I am determined not a fallback progress wise. From the beginning, I struggle and feel as though I need to stop, but I tell myself that; I have done it before, so I can do it again; that other people have done it, and if they can, I can; if it was easy it wouldn’t be worth doing; I need the challenge to keep me interested and engaged.
I somehow complete 3 laps of 2 1/2 minutes running, 2 1/2 minutes walking.
Sunday
Sunday should’ve been a rest day, but as I got up late and I’ve done hardly any writing this week, I want to fully dedicate tomorrow to writing, and in order to do that I have to go for tomorrow’s run today.
After not exercising for so long, going for a run two days in a row is a massive mistake. I’m exhausted as soon as I start running, and my right knee is aching. It also looks as though it’s going to rain heavily. Luckily, it doesn’t.
At the beginning of my second lap, there is a huge group of large black birds circling two semi detached houses, as they scream. It’s so bizarre that without realising it I stop to try to get a better look at what they might be doing. This is impossible as I’m not wearing my glasses. As I watch the birds, a teenage boy on a bike stops, takes out his phone and starts recording them. I think about doing the same. It’s only then that I remember I am on a run, and leave the teenager and birds to it.
By the time I reach the two houses on my third lap, both the birds and boy are gone.
Near the end of my second lap, I’m almost hit by a bike, from behind, which is becoming too much of a regular occurrence.
At the end of my second lap, I debated whether or not I need to call it a day and go home. The answer is a solid yes. Yet, I don’t.
This is another mistake.
At the beginning of my third lap, I accidentally run through a patch of nettles, which have grown out of a garden fence and quite far onto the pavement. They cause my skin to become itchy and sting, but it doesn’t blister.
By the halfway mark, I’m so tired that I keep needing to pause, and by the 3/4 mark I have no choice but to walk the rest of the way home.
I completed 3 laps.
Monday
Monday is a rest day.
Because I am still terrible at writing my journal notes, I don’t write this weeks until Monday. I need to get into the habit of writing my notes immediately.
Since phase 1- week 1, I have wanted to change my run schedule so that Monday is the first day of my running week, but it has never felt like the right time.
The benefits of changing would hopefully be, that it would be much easier on my memory, and would help me plan my weeks, phases and progress better, and maybe farer in advance. My hope is that as a result I become more organised.
Due to all the time I’ve had off over the last few weeks, as well as how badly I am struggling, now seems like the perfect time to make the change.
This is because it will provide me with 3 extra running days during phase 2, if I make Wednesday to Sunday a half week, rather than causing me to lose days.
I make up my mind, this Wednesday to Sunday will be half a week.
Part fourteen- To The Merseyside Police
can i ask why seeing as i have them on video telling me that they have their body cams on
Wednesday – rest day
Thursday – rest day
Friday – one lap =1.662 miles
Saturday – rest day
Sunday – rest day
Monday – rest day
Tuesday – rest day
Phase 2 – week F
Wednesday
Rest day
Thursday
Rest day
Friday
On Friday my ankle feels completely better. As I am desperate to get back to exercising, I decided a weeks rest is enough.
I start at the progress point I was at before I had my coronectomied wisdom tooth roots removed. When I begin my ankle feels fine, but by 1/4 of my first lap its no quite feeling right and by the half way point it feels really uncomfortable. Because I don’t want to make it any worse, I reluctantly accept that it hasn’t fully healed and hobble home, by the time I get there, it’s low level throbbing and burning.
Saturday
Rest day
Sunday
Rest day
Monday
Rest day
Tuesday
Rest day
Part twenty- To The Merseyside Police
So will you be sending me a new subject access form out then too?Please provide an address i can send a complaints letter to via post as i will now be employing a solicitor in this matter
Thank you
(Should have been Phase 3- Week 1)
My Schedule
Wednesday: 3 laps of 2 1/2 minutes running and 2 1/2 minutes walking – 4.986 miles
Thursday: Rest day
Friday: 3 laps of 2 1/2 minutes running and 2 1/2 minutes walking – 4.986 miles
Saturday: Rest day
Sunday: Rest day
Monday: Rest day
Tuesday: Rest day
Total run percentage: 50%
Total miles: 9.972 miles
Phase 2- Week E
(Should have been Phase 3-Week 1)
Wednesday
On Wednesday, although my face still really hurts from my surgery, it’s much better. The pain is no longer at a level where it is going to be aggravated by, or stop me from, exercising.
Also, my ankle feels completely normal, so I believe that the weeks rest has been long enough for it to recover from whatever was wrong with it.
I leave my flat intending to do 3 laps – the first half of each being 2 minutes running, 3 minutes walking – the second half of each being 2 1/2 minutes running, 2 1/2 minutes walking. My plan changes as soon as I start running. I decide to do 2 1/2 minutes of running, 2 1/2 minutes walking, for the entire 3 laps.
At some point, I begin to feel like my left ankle is taking the impact of my foot hitting the pavement, much harder than my right ankle is. Not long after this, I realise that there is a sort of popping sensation in the soul of my shoe. The more I concentrate on it, the more I’m convinced I have felt this popping on and off briefly over the last few weeks, and that the sole of my shoe is cracked.
As I continue on, my ankle starts to hurt again. I am sure that my cracked shoe is the cause of this pain. At first I think that finishing my run won’t do it any serious harm, and that I will just buy new shoes before I go running again, but the pain quickly increases. As it does, I consider changing my run walk times, or even stopping altogether, but I don’t.
This is a terrible mistake.
By the end of my third lap, my ankle is throbbing, and I am unable to put any weight on it.
When I get home, I immediately inspect the souls of my shoes, inside and out. I don’t see or feel any cracks, either on the inside or outside, but the soles are very worn down on the outside, so not only am I probably right about the crack, I am worried that they might not be safe to run in anymore.
Thursday
When I wake up, my ankle feels fine. However, my mind is already made up, I need a new pair of running shoes.
If I go for my new shoes today, then I can go for today’s run tomorrow, meaning that I am not missing any exercise days this week.
Yet, I am not even halfway to the bus stop, when I discover my ankle is wrecked. Every time I try to put my weight down on it, it throbs and burns. I promised myself another rest week.
Although I am not sure it’s a good idea, I decide to continue on into town, because I’m already on my way now, and I know that if I go home I likely won’t make it this far again any time soon.
My promise to myself doesn’t last long. After a few hours of very stressful shopping, I am fooled into thinking that my pain is gone, to the point where if it wasn’t too late and I wasn’t so hungry by the time I got home, I would’ve gone for a run.
Friday
My shopping trip must’ve had such a bad impact on my already poor mental health, that I either went into a state of physical numbness (which is something I have experienced episodes of my entire life) or it was simply so bad that it masked the pain, because when I wake up on Friday, my ankle is sore.
It’s not bad enough that I don’t think I can’t go to my run, after all, I have new shoes and an ankle support.
This support is not only awfully uncomfortable (it’s digging into the bottom of my foot, and just wearing one – I couldn’t get two- is not only hugely distracting, it’s agitating as well) but it also feels as though it’s making the pain in my ankle worse. I stop to adjust it several times, at one point I even sit down on a bus stop bench so that I can take my shoe off to adjust it, but this doesn’t help.
As I reach my flat at the end of my first lap, I go inside to take it off.
During my second lap, my ankle feels much better than it did with the support on it, but halfway around lap 3 the pain is the worst it has been since it began a few weeks ago.
I promised myself 2 weeks of resting it, and hobble home.
Saturday
rest day
Sunday
Rest day
Monday
Rest day
Tuesday
Rest day
Part Ninteen- From The Merseyside Police
These emails are sent by several different people.
In your initial request to us, you asked for copies of ‘telephone calls from August 2020 from me and my phone number, to include July if possible’. These as well as the audio versions of these calls are what have been provided.
The call logs are the transcripts of the phone calls you have made.
The redaction removes third party and police technical data, it is not your personal information.
I can confirm that your Subject Access Request form exists (see attached as 1. Data Request), and as confirmed above, using the references you kindly provided I managed to locate the footage. It has since been posted out to you and should be with you either tomorrow or Monday. The delay in it being provided was due to me not being able to locate it.
We have used Egress for several years as it is a secure method of sending large quantities of information via the internet, it allows us to by-pass the need for physical documents which, if sent via post, could end up being lost.
It is not assumed that the requestor knows Egress exists, and we are more than happy to confirm the veracity of the programme itself and the security it offers it’s end users.
I have attached a copy of our Subject Access Request form should you wish to make a new request.
For complaints, you can either contact our Professional Standards Department via the online form:
· https://www.merseyside.police.uk/fo/feedback/tc/thanks-and-complaints/
Alternatively you can contact the Information Commissioners Office (ICO) via their own website:
· https://ico.org.uk/make-a-complaint/complaints-and-compliments-about-us/
I understand you are reluctant to speak with anybody on the phone, but should you change your mind I am more than happy to speak with you regarding your Subject Access Request.
Kind Regards,
My Schedule
Wednesday – Tuesday
Full week of rest
Phase 2 – week D (should have been phase 2– week 7)
Wednesday – Tuesday
Forced recovery time, due to my coronectomied wisdom tooth roots being extracted. Initially, my concern was that I might dislodge the blood clot that forms in the hole/s and/or split my stitches, as I saw information that suggested intense exercise could do both these things. However, it quickly becomes clear to me that, the pain is too bad to do even light physical exercise.
Although I am not happy about having to rest, my left ankle is really hurting, so I accept rest is desperately needed.
Part eighteen- To The Merseyside Police
Hi, further to my now dozens of emails to you am writing with and official request
-for recordings of all calls that i made to you and form my mobile number this is in excess of ten and yet i have only received two or three please provide all the recordings
-i now want paper transcripts of all these call too
-i have been told the paper transcripts that i have received are suspiciously, heavily and wrongly redacted because i am entitled to know what was being said about me by third parties during the call as these comments not only could be libellous or discriminatory but could have lead further to any confusion or unfair or criminal actions by the police
-this also goes for any systems that you use and i have been told that you would have no need to hide or redact information about this and how and where information was logged communicated sent etc
-i requested body cam footage i still have not gotten and have been told both it does and doesnt exist
– i have asked several times DO YOU have my subject access request form there and got no response please answer this question
-please explain why nobody emailed me to tell me about egress or that you used it and why it was just assumed i know it exists and how to use it and if this is your process for all requests
-please provide me with your process
-please acknowledge that this email will be dealt with how it will be dealt with and when i can expect this information as its been over a month already since i put this request through
-if you are not going to address any of these issues please send me reasons as to why along with a new subject access request form which i can take to a solicitor etc to deal with as well as a paper complaints form or an address to write to
My Schedule
Day 36: Rest day
Day 37: 3 laps of 2 minutes running and 3 minutes walking – 4.986 miles
Day 38: 3 laps of 2 minutes running and 3 minutes walking – 4.986 miles
Day 39: Rest day
Day 40: 2 laps – 3.324 miles
Day 41: Rest day
Day 42: Rest day
Total Miles: 13.296 miles
Phase 2
Week 6
Day 36: Wednesday
Wednesday should have been an exercise day. However, due to the fact that I need to attend college to take my English Language exam, I broke possibly my only unwritten exercise rule, and went for a run yesterday instead, which was in a different exercise week.
I am still struggling from the severe paranoia that was caused by the ordeal involving the young boys throwing eggs at me from the top of the bridge, so what happens next leaves me extremely shaken and afraid for my safety, especially with it happening so close to the rumours that I have a rape fetish being put online, which I want to make very clear I do not.
I have just left Clayton Square shopping centre, which I walked through to get to the Starbucks near central station (which is where I took the photograph of the anti-Tory, anti-Boris graffiti on the phone box, two weeks prior) on my way to college, when I hear somebody shouting, “Pix!, – Over and over again. Because pixie, shortened a lot of the time by the people who call me it to Pix, it is my middle name and I actually do you go by it, I instantly react to it by stopping and looking around. It sounds as though the calls are coming from either the left or behind me, but as I turn around to survey both the street and shopping centre, I see nobody that looks as though they are trying to get my attention and definitely nobody that I recognise – from now or my past – or from “real life” or online. I decide that I imagined it, and start walking towards the Starbucks again. I’ve only taken maybe two steps when the shouting begins again, but this time they are shouting “pixie!”– In full.
Due to my level of panic, I’m hit with several waves of thoughts in less than a second, but I only remember part of two of these, as it is these two parts combined that cause me to react in the way that I do.
The first goes something like this:
Why didn’t they say anything…
…Or wave when I turned around?
Maybe I didn’t see them…
… Maybe they were behind a stall in the shopping centre…
… Maybe they hid from me on purpose.
Why would they call me and hide from me?
Maybe to check if it is actually me…
…Maybe they are planning on secretly follow me to where ever I am going…
… Maybe they want to hurt me.
The second goes something like this:
It can’t be somebody who knows me well, because if I didn’t respond to Pix, surely they wouldn’t keep shouting the same thing and would try Rach, or Vanucc, depending on who it was…
…but I very obviously did respond to Pix.
The situation really doesn’t feel right, or safe to me.
Without looking around again, I dash inside the Starbucks, half expecting the person to follow me inside, and half worrying they are waiting outside for me to leave, so that they can follow me or ambush me.
While wait for my coffee, I watch the street outside. People passed by normally. Nobody appears to be hanging around. However, I am aware that doesn’t mean that they aren’t. I am aware, that they could be waiting out of sight. Yet, I can’t stay in here all evening. I need to be at college soon, and the shop will eventually close.
I try to tell myself that it was just a chance encounter with a person that I don’t interact with very often online, or who doesn’t use their own photograph, or real information. Then, I cautiously leave the shop and hurry to college.
It is not until later that night, while I’m lying awake in “bed” unable to sleep, that I remember posting that stupid graffiti tweet, and begin to worry that somebody was waiting for me, hoping I would return on the same day and time at some point.
Day 37: Thursday
On Thursday, it’s raining heavily. I love the rain, but usually not when I need to go out in it. Today though, I do need to go out in it, and I’m glad it’s raining. My paranoia is so severe because of the bad week I have had, that if it wasn’t raining, I’m not sure that I would be able to go for my run at all. Nobody, no matter how desperate they are to “get me,” is going out in that rain.
The pain in my left ankle, is much worse.
I complete 3 laps of 2 minutes running and 3 minutes walking.
Day 38: Friday
Friday should’ve been a rest day, but I decide that I want two rest days together, which means going for my run today, instead of tomorrow.
Progress in my run/walk times is overdue, so I attempt 150 seconds (or 2 1/2 minutes) of running as soon as I start, which doesn’t go well. When I reach the end of the 2 1/2 minutes, my feet, legs and knees are aching, my lungs are burning and I can taste blood.
Defeated I complete 3 laps of 2 minutes running and 3 minutes walking. This is much harder than it usually is, because the effects of that 150 seconds sticks with me for the entire run.
When I get home, I wonder how I am going to progress, but I don’t come up with any ideas.
Day 39: Saturday
Saturday should’ve been an exercise day, but I went yesterday, so it’s a rest day.
The 40: Sunday
Sunday should have been a rest day, but for a reason I don’t recall, I decide to go today instead of tomorrow.
This is a massive mistake.
I start with 2 minutes running and 3 minutes walking, but when I get halfway around lap 1, I wonder if I can change my times to 2 1/2 minutes running and 2 1/2 minutes walking. I complete the remained of my lap this way.
That is how I find my new way to progress.
I plan to do the same for the next two laps, but things don’t go to plan.
I am halfway around my second lap when the heavens opened. At first, I try to continue running, but it’s impossible, as the rain is so heavy I am unable to see through it. I can’t remember experiencing anything like this before, ever. Within a few seconds I’m drenched, and by the time it stops, I am so soaked that I imagine this is how it feels to get out of a swimming pool after being pushed in fully clothed. I have no choice but to cut my run short, and walk home.
On today’s walk, I also came very close to being hit by two bikes, and one of the men riding one of them shouted abuse at me, like it was me, the pedestrian, that shouldn’t have been on the pavement.
Day 40: Monday
Monday is a rest day.
Day 41: Tuesday
Tuesday is a rest day.
Today, I have my coronectomied wisdom tooth roots extracted, which means that I need to take a weeks break from running.
Although I am not happy about this, I know that it is not only best for my face, but also my ankle, which I suspect is now really messed up.
Part Twenty One- From The Merseyside Police
These emails are sent by several different people.
A new Subject Access Form was attached in the previous email, but I will print out a physical copy and send it out to you as well.
You can send your complaint to:
Professional Standards Department
Merseyside Police Headquarters
Canning Place
Liverpool
L1 8JX
Kind Regards,
Phase 2
Week 5
Day 29: Wednesday
On Wednesday it rains heavily all day, meaning not only do I have no choice but to go out running in it, a quarter of my route is badly flooded. To make things worse, both my ankle and knees hurt, and I am severely tired and depressed.
I complete 3 laps of 2 minutes running and 3 minutes walking.
Day 30: Thursday
Thursday is almost an exact repeat of Wednesday. The rain is so bad, and I am so tired and depressed, that I contemplate not going running today and making up for it tomorrow, but after admitting that it will likely rain again tomorrow, and my medication increase is responsible for how tired and depressed I am, which means I will feel this way for awhile, if not forever, I change my mind as I really want to get it over and done with.
While I am out, I think about the guides advice about rewards, although I have no idea why this comes to mind. I come to the conclusion that rewarding myself would do me more harm than good, as I’m not sure that my brain is capable of associating the reward with the exercise. By rewarding myself I would risk becoming addicted to the reward without doing the work. It seems to me that I need to be both afraid of something bad happening, and have a goal to aim for, to motivate me. For example, being afraid of becoming unhealthily overweight (which I currently am not, I am not even over weight, I am only in stone, I am just not comfortable in my new body and my clothes no longer fit me) and wanting to get back to my normal weight of 7 1/2 stone. I also make the realisation that being motivated is not the same as being engaged or interested in what I am doing. For me to remain engaged and interested in the task, it has to both feel like work and a challenge to me. My blog makes it feel like work, because if I want to keep blogging about running, I have to actually go running. My high progress targets keep me challenged.
I complete 3 laps of 2 minutes running and 3 minutes walking.
Date 31: Friday
For the last few months, I have been suffering with breathlessness, coughing and wheezing on an off. I’m proud that I didn’t immediately jump to the conclusion that it’s Covid, even though it’s obviously my asthma. Due to the fact that it isn’t going away though, last night I attempted to put a request in to see my doctor in the afternoon using their awful online system. The first few attempts send me to 111, so in the end I just leave a note of all my symptoms on the first page and explain I’m going to have to click no on all the questions asking about the symptoms, in order to try to get an appointment. This works, an my request goes through.
When I wake up in the late morning, I phone my GP surgery to ask if I was successful in booking an afternoon appointment, and to my surprise I find out that I was.
The fact that I am so behind on writing my running journal blog posts (I am in week 5 of phase 2, but I have only written up to week 2 of phase 2, because of how busy I currently am with college work, revision and exams) it’s not only stressing me out, but when I get around to writing the blog posts, my own notes make a no sense to me, as I can’t remember the actual days themselves. I decide that while I wait for the nurse to call me back, as there is no set appointment time, I will try to decipher some of my notes and catch up on my rough drafts.
When the nurse finally calls me back, I haven’t done much, and she tells me I need to go in to see her so that she can listen to my breathing. This results in me finding out of the mould in my flat is now causing me asthma related health problems.
Because I have done hardly any writing, I decide to dedicate tomorrow to writing, which means going for my run today instead of tomorrow. I realise this is a terrible idea straight away. The combination of my twisted ankle, exhaustion and depression, my asthma problems and it being my third exercise day in a row, it’s too much. I tell myself that, I can cut my exercise short, and just do 2 laps. However, I quickly change my mind. If I had gone tomorrow I would not allow myself to cut it short, so I can’t allow myself to cut it short today. I battled through.
I completely 3 laps of minutes running and 3 minutes walking.
Day: 32 Saturday
Saturday should be an exercise day, but as I went yesterday instead, it is a rest day.
Day 33: Sunday
Today, I realise that at some point, I made a new calendar for phase 2. Though I don’t remember when I did this, I decide that when doesn’t matter. What matters is that I am unable to keep track of what day number I am on, and whether it is a rest day or exercise day without it.
Date 34: Monday
Monday is an absolutely awful day for me.
I am exiting the dog park on my first lap, when a group of teenage boys outside the corner shop begin to heckle me. They are shouting “encouragement”and shockingly sexually explicit comments for what appear to be boys around the age of 14. I obviously ignore them, but I can’t ignore what happens next.
As I am approaching one of the two bridges I have to go under every lap, something hits the ground directly in front of me and explodes. I am of course shocked by this but snap out of that shock quickly when three or four more of what I believe to be rocks immediately follow, before the young boys throwing them begin to jeer me. I’m still moving, and by some miracle I manage to dodge the all items that are raining down around me. The boys don’t miss a second. Their attack is relentless. It’s only when one of these items explodes releasing an absolutely sickening smell, that I realise they aren’t stones, they are eggs, and rotten eggs by the smell of them. I have dodged them all up until the point I go under the bridge, and by the time I emerge on the other side it becomes clear that they have thrown all eggs they had, as they are just jeering now. I have survived the onslaught untouched, but the two separate events are enough to convince my paranoid mind that I might have been purposefully targeted.
As I passed the corner shop on my second lap, I want to turn into the dog park and go home, but as the teenage boys are gone I force myself forward. Less than halfway down the same street though, I begin to panic when a man who smells of pungent sweat and alcohol tries to talk to me as I’m running towards him. Again, I consider turning back and going home, but I fight the urge and push forward.
My mental state isn’t holding up well though, and as I approached the bridge during three minutes of walking, I use my phone camera to zoom in on the bridge. It appears that the boys are gone, but I’m not convinced that they aren’t hiding, so the closer I get, the sicker I feel. Nothing happens as I passed under the bridge. Yet, I am still unable to shake my paranoia, and although I managed to do a third lap, I behave exactly the same as I approach and pass under the bridge again.
Date 35: Tuesday
Tuesday should be a rest day. However, today I break an unwritten rule of mine and go for a run today instead of tomorrow, because tomorrow I have to go into college to sit another English Language exam. I have this rule because Tuesday and Wednesday are in separate running weeks, and I have considered doing this before. The reason I let myself break rule today, is because it will legitimately be a one off, as it’s my final exam, meaning college is over after tomorrow, and I have a lot of writing to catch up on.
Today the pain in my ankle is terrible.
I completely 3 laps of 2 minutes running and 3 minutes walking.
Day 29: 3 laps of 2 minutes running and 3 minutes walking = 4.986 miles
Day 30: 3 laps of 2 minutes running and 3 minutes walking = 4.986 miles
Day 31: 3 laps of 2 minutes running and 3 minutes walking = 4.986 miles
Day 32: Rest day
Day 33: Rest day
Day 34: 3 laps of 2 minutes running and 3 minutes walking = 4.986 miles
Day 35: 3 laps of 2 minutes running and 3 minutes walking = 4.986 miles
Part Seventeen- From The Merseyside Police
These emails are sent by several different people.
Ok great, I will have a look for it now.
My schedule
Day 22: Rest day
Day 23: 2 minutes running 3 minutes walking for 2 laps (3.324miles)
Day 24: Walk 2 laps (3.324 miles)
Day 25: 2 minutes running 3 minutes walking for 2 laps (3.324miles)
Day 26: Rest day
Day 27: 2 minutes running 3 minutes walking for 3 laps (4.986miles)
Total miles 40% run 60% walk: 12.634 miles
Total miles 100% walked: 3.324 miles
Total mile: 15.958 miles
Phase 2
Week 4
Day 22: Wednesday
Wednesday should have been an exercise day, but because I have an English Language exam at the college, I have no choice but to change it to a rest day.
While I am getting dressed, I weigh myself. I’m still eight stone. Obviously, I’m glad that I haven’t gained any weight, but the fact that I haven’t lost any more, when I’ve been working so hard, is frustrating.
Day 23: Thursday
I wake up on Thursday to the sounds of torrential rain, so I really don’t want to go outside. Unfortunately, I don’t have a choice, as I’m already a day behind, and realistically it could rain all week.
After waiting for the rain to lighten a bit, I hurry out for my run. My intention was to continue with 90 seconds of running and 3 1/2 minutes of walking, but I’m so desperate to get back home before the rain gets heavy again, that I do 2 minutes running and 3 minutes walking. The walking part is easy to keep track of, because, as it is the longest part of my exercise routine, at the moment, I use my phone to time it. Up until now, keeping track of the running part hasn’t been too difficult, even though I have been timing it myself, by counting out the seconds. Today, though I encounter a problem. I am unable to count beyond 90, without getting distracted or drifting off into thought. I think that I can resolve this easily by counting to 60 twice (which is what I’m still doing at the moment, and I’m currently in week six) but this present me with a similar problem; sometimes, I can’t remember if I have counted to 60 once or twice.
I’m also presented with a problem that I didn’t encounter on even a single occasion when I was fully walking my route. I can’t remember if during phase 2’s journal I have mentioned this yet, but the road by the roundabout (meaning the part of the street where the cars drive, floods during heavy rain fall. Today, I discover that so does the pavement in between the roundabout and the white van, which makes up a quarter of my route.
Despite these problems, and the fact that I am running into 25 mph winds (I checked the windspeed by googling it when I got home) which makes it both harder to run and breathe, I completed 2 laps.
Day 24: Friday
On Friday, I have an eye hospital appointment, at Saint Pauls. Due to the hospital making such a big deal about giving me an afternoon appointment, I can not get to sleep on Thursday night. The stress of knowing that if I can’t sleep, I can’t go, as it will be too dangerous for me (as I could fall, pass out, or have an accident such as being hit by a car, because my already poor attention will be much worse) keeps me awake. At 5 am, I admit defeat and get up and make myself breakfast, with intention of cancelling my appointment at 9 am when Saint Pauls opens. However, as soon as I admit defeat and accept that I have no choice but to cancel my appointment, I start struggling to stay awake.
I set my alarm for lunchtime, with the intention of waking up with enough time to phone Saint Pauls to cancel my appointment. Then I fall asleep.
Instead of waking up at 12 and cancelling my appointment as planned, I sleep through my alarm and don’t wake up until 1:15 pm. Knowing that I probably have a better chance of making it to my appointment if I skip breakfast and half arse getting ready, than I now do of phoning and getting through to someone to cancel the appointment before it comes and goes, I make the reckless decision (because I am meds hung over, both physically and mentally) to try to make it to the hospital on time.
By the time I get out of the hospital, I’ve been in there so long I’m starving. There is no way I can go for a run as hungry as I am, so I plan on eating a light dinner and then waiting for two hours before I go out to exercise. However, due to how stressed out I am, I actually end up bingeing, as soon as I get home. Still, I waited two hours and go, which I quickly learn was a massive mistake.
Every time I try to run, I get a terrible stitch in my side, and feel so ill I am forced to stop to (dry) retch. Disappointed in myself, I walk 2 laps of my route.
Day 25: Saturday
On Saturday, I complete another 2 laps of 2 minutes running and three minutes walking. Although, I wanted to do 3 laps in order to make up a little for the exercise I missed yesterday, my right knee is really hurting. As I don’t want to risk an injury, I go home.
Day 26: Sunday
Despite the busy week I’ve had, which left me with very little space to write, surprisingly, on Sunday, I finish my blog post a few hours early. Hoping to make up for Fridays failure, I think I can go for a run, but when I go to change, I find that I don’t have any sports bras dry. I am fuming at myself for being so disorganised.
Day 27: Monday
On Monday, I actually do managed to do an extra lap, meaning I do 3 laps of 2 minutes running and 3 minutes walking, yet it still doesn’t feel like I have made up for Fridays failure.
Day 28: Tuesday
Tuesday is similar to Sunday in the sense that I want to go for a run but I don’t have any dry sports bras.
I need to be more organised, or find some money to buy more exercise clothes.
Part sixteen- To The Merseyside Police
it was the eighth of august i have attached both my videos where they tell me they are also recording me and an email from yourselves confirming that there is in fact body cam footage
https://youtu.be/M_D0QPm0dC4https://youtu.be/NSf3XuY24UQ
Day 15: 90 seconds running 3 1/2 minutes walking for 2 laps -3.324 miles
Day 16: 1 minute running 4 minutes walking for 2 laps- 3.324 miles
Day 17: Rest day
Day 18: 90 seconds running 3 1/2 minutes walking for 2 laps -3.324 miles
Day 19: Rest day
Day 20: 90 seconds running 3 1/2 minutes walking for 2 laps -3.324 miles
Day 21: Rest day
Phase 2
Week 3
Day 15: Wednesday
On Wednesday, my knees are stiff, to the point that I am walking like the tin man from the Wizard of Oz when he needs oiling. Yet, I battle through, completing 2 laps of 90 seconds running and 3 1/2 minutes walking. During my exercise, I wonder whether I need to speak to a doctor again about my knees and joints, but I’m put off by the fact that they have told me that my left knee (which is still troubling me after I injured it over a year ago) is fine, and they just stared blankly at me when I ask if the aching in my other joints could be arthritis.
Day 16: Thursday
When I wake up on Thursday, I am exhausted and don’t feel well, due to me either having, or almost having, a seizure last night. Also, I’m worried that I might have another seizure today while I’m out exercising, as they “come in clusters.”
The last couple of weeks have been extra stressful, and the noise from next door was so bad last night that it pushed me over the edge.
Regardless, I go out to exercise. As somewhat of a probably useless precaution, I adjust my run time back to 1 minute and my walk time back to 4 minutes. I complete 2 laps.
Day 17: Friday
Friday is a rest day.
Day 18: Saturday
Even though I managed to complete 2 laps of 90 seconds running and 3 1/2 minutes walking, today I am convinced that there is something seriously wrong with my left knee, because of how much it is hurting.
After I am finished exercising, I go to the supermarket. While I am there, I remember to buy a notebook. This notebook is specifically for writing my exercise journal notes in, so that they don’t get mixed up or go missing anymore.
Day 19: Sunday
Sunday is a rest day.
Day 20: Monday
Before I go for my exercise on Monday, I try to organise my journal notes. While I am doing this, I see that phase 3 of the guide is still building up to a full run, and is completely made up of run walk notes that I cant decipher. Honestly, it makes me feel like the entire guide is a scam, purposely made up of overly complicated gibberish that nobody can understand or follow. Why it would be this way, or what the magazine that published this guide wanted or is achieving by publishing it, I have no clue. For this reason, I am officially abandoning any attempt to follow the guides schedule at all now. I don’t feel like this decision is going to hinder my progress, as I haven’t been able to follow the guide for the last few weeks anyway. Also, I will no longer be including that schedule in my own schedule blog post.
In a way though, this does make me feel more positive about how slowly I have been progressing, as I’ve just doubled the amount of time that I have to build up to a full run.
Today it is raining heavily. Despite this I go for my run and complete 2 laps of 90 seconds running and 3 1/2 minutes walking.
During my run, I spot another open manhole cover, and decide that I need to stop counting them, before I realise that I’ve actually already lost count of how many I have spotted.
Date 21: Tuesday
Tuesday is a rest day.
Part Fifteen- From The Merseyside Police
These emails are sent by several different people.
If you can provide me with the dates then I can do another search, but based on the dates of the logs and the numbers of the officers I cannot find any.
The guides schedule
Day 8: walk 30 minutes
Day 9: 30 minute cross training
Day 10: rest day
Day 11: walk 30 minutes
Day 12: 20 minutes cross training
Day 13: walk 50 minutes
Day 14: rest day
Total exercise time = 2 hours and 20 minutes
My schedule
Day 8: Rest day
Day 9: 1 1/2 minutes running 3 1/2 minutes walking 2 laps – 3.324 miles
Day 10: 1 1/2 minutes running 3 1/2 minutes walking 2 laps – 3.324 miles
Day 11: 1 1/2 minutes running 3 1/2 minutes walking 2 laps – 3.324 miles
Day 12: Rest day
Day 13: 1 1/2 minutes running 3 1/2 minutes walking 2 laps – 3.324 miles
Day 14: Rest day
Phase 2
Week two
Wednesday
Wednesday should be an exercise day, but as I have to go into college to do an English exam, I make it a rest day.
Thursday
I have a dental hospital appointment on Thursday, after which I go straight out for my run. I do 2 laps of 90 seconds running and 3 1/2 minutes walking. This is 30% running and 70% walking.
Friday
Friday would have been a rest day, if it wasn’t for my exam on Wednesday. Again, I do two laps of 90 seconds running 3 1/2 minutes walking.
Saturday
After my hairdressers appointment, I go for my run. I do 30 % running, 70% walking. It’s been A really busy week for me. My lungs and knees hurt.
Sunday
Sunday is a rest day.
Monday
Today, my legs are so stiff and sore, I feel as though I am walking like the tin man from the Wizard of Oz.
Despite being worried about injuring myself, I go for my run as planned.
While I am running, I wonder if it’s my gate that is causing my knee pain. When I walk, I take lots of small, fast steps, and I seem to be doing the same when I’m running. At first I blame the fact that I am doing run walk, but I did the same when I started running on the treadmill, and I never did it then. My concern is that by taking small steps, I’m taking more of them than I should be, therefore I am landing more often than I should be, which as a result might be causing damage to my knees.
Tuesday
Because of my aching knees, I am very grateful Tuesday is a rest day.
Part Thirteen- From The Merseyside Police
These emails are sent by several different people.
I have double checked for body worn camera footage and I can confirm that there is none held.
Kind Regards,
The guides week one schedule plan
Day 1: Walk for 30 minutes
Day 2: 30 minute crosstraining
Day 3: Rest
Day 4:Walk for 30 minutes
Day 5: 20 minute crosstraining
Day 6: 40 minute walk
Day 7: Rest
My week 1 schedule
Day 1: 1 minute running 4 minutes walking for 2 laps – 3.324 miles
Day 2: 1 minute running 4 minutes walking for 2 laps – 3.324 miles
Day 3: 1 minute running 4 minute walking 3 laps – 4.986 miles
Day 4: rest day
Day 5: rest day
Day 6: 90 seconds of running 30 minutes and 30 seconds of walking for 2 laps – 3.324 miles
Day 7: rest day
Total miles =14.948 miles
Percentage run = roughly 20%
Phase 1
Week 2
Day 1: Wednesday
Although I meant to weigh myself as soon as I woke up on Wednesday, I don’t actually remember to do it until I am getting dressed to go for my run. I know from my days of having an “anorexic BMI” (body mass index) (Even though I wasn’t anorexic) that when you weigh yourself really does make a difference to the result. As I have already eaten and drunk this morning, I try to mentally prepare myself for a heavier result than the last time I weighed myself, but that’s not really what happens, well not by much. Stepping on and off the scales, several times, I come to the same weight give or take a couple of pounds, each time, which is 8 1/2 stone. Rather than be upset that I haven’t lost any weight, I am happy that I haven’t gained any.
My run today is the same as the last few exercise days. At the beginning my knees and lungs are screaming, by the end of my second lap it’s just my knees bothering me and I want to do another lap, but I make myself go home.
Day 2: Thursday
At the end of my first lap on Thursday, I stop and bend down to tie my laces. How often do your laces come undone Pix, I hear you ask. The answer is a lot. My parents never taught me how to tie my laces, because my mum can’t tie laces and my dad didn’t care, so I simply knot them, make two loop and knot the loops, and pretend I can tie my laces. Over the years several friends and boyfriends have tried to teach me, sometimes I even think I’ve learnt, then one day I’ll go to tie them and realise I don’t remember how. As I bend down, I see an identical manhole cover to the one I noticed last week, which was open. This manhole cover is also open. This worries me, as due to my shortsightedness and keratoconus, I can’t see them when I’m standing up. I’m concerned by how many of the absolutely dozens of them along my route might be open like these two, because if I step on one, or catch my foot on the open cover, I will fall.
I wish I owned a treadmill.
Day 3: Friday
Friday should’ve been a rest day, but as I woke up late again (yes again, I’m on antipsychotic medication and my noisy neighbours keep me awake at night) I decide to go for my run today, instead of tomorrow, so that I can dedicate tomorrow to writing.
As I am still unsure of what changes I want to make to next weeks routine, I decided to use the last two days of week one as testers for two different ideas.
Today I keep my run walk times the same, but complete three laps. I find it fairly easy.
While I am exercising, I find myself feeling really down about the fact that I am not improving, and I dwell on those feelings to the point that when I get back home they have almost become a depressive episode.
Later in the night, I realise I have fallen into an emotional trap, that I warned others not to fall into.
What was it that I said?
Don’t expect to make a progress in the first few weeks, but aim to?
I don’t quite remember, but surprisingly I do feel better after recalling this.
Day 4: Saturday
Saturday should’ve been an exercise day, but as I went yesterday, I make it a rest day.
Day 5: Sunday
Sunday is a rest day.
Day 6: Monday
Monday is my second day of experimenting with how to change my routine. Today I completed just the two laps again, but change my runtime to 90 seconds of running or 1 minute and 30 seconds and my walk time to 3 minutes and 30 seconds. This means I am running 30% of the route and walking 70% of the route.
This is much harder than doing 1 minute of running and 4 minutes of walking, when doing both doing 2 or 3 laps.
For this reason I choose this change for my week two routine.
Day 7: Tuesday
Tuesday is a rest day.
Part twelve-From The Merseyside Police
These emails are sent by several different people.
The files have been put in the post, and I have requested they be sent by either recorded or special delivery. With regards to the Bodyworn footage, I will double check for it now.
phase 1: walking
Week one
The guide schedule
Anybody who wants to follow the guide schedule this is it
Day one -walk for 15 minutes
Day two -walk for 25 minutes
Date three -either walk 15 minutes or have a rest day
Day four -walk for 25 minutes
Day five- have a rest day
Day six -walk 35 minutes
Day seven -have a rest day
Total walking time- 2 hours 15 minutes
My Progress
Day 1: rest day
Day 2: rest day
Day 3: run 1 minute walk 4 minutes 2 laps – 3.324 miles
Day 4: rest day
Day 5: run 1 minute walk 4 minutes 2 laps – 3.324 miles
Day 6: run 1 minute walk 4 minutes 2 laps – 3.324 miles
Day 7: Rest day
Week C (was meant to be week 3 of phase 2)
Day1 -Day2: Wednesday -Thursday
Wednesday and Thursday, should both have been exercise days. Due to my concussion, they, instead, are rest days.
Day 3: Friday
Friday should’ve been a rest day. My concussion and nerve trauma are still bad, plus yesterday I started to get nosebleeds. However, I am eager to get back to running, and I don’t know how long it is going to be until my concussion is gone (the doctor at the hospital said it could last for up to 2 weeks, and today is day 14 or 15, depending on whether or not you count the day I banged my head) and I am beginning to believe that my nerve trauma might be permanent, so I decided to go for a run today.
On my first lap, my knees and lungs are burning.
On my second lap, it’s just my knees.
During my second lap, between the site of the car crash and the white van (this is the van that I passed with all its doors open and nobody around), which now lives on the pavement blocking pedestrian access, my shoelace comes open. It’s only when I stop and crouch down to tie it, that I see I came close to stepping into an open manhole. Although it’s only small and round, it’s almost as big as my foot, and I can’t see it when I am standing up straight. If I had stepped on it, I most certainly would have fallen. I try to make a mental note that it exists, but I’m afraid it won’t stick.
When I get to the end of my second lap, I want to go around again, but I stop myself as I don’t want to overdo it. Also I have waves of pain rippling from the left side of my head to the right.
Day 4: Saturday
Saturday is supposed to be an exercise day, but as I went for a run yesterday, I make it a rest day.
Day 5: Sunday
Sunday is meant to be a rest day. However, my neighbours kept me awake last night, and as a result I woke up late. Knowing that I am not going to have a productive day, were writing is concerned, I decide to go for a run today, so that that I can dedicate tomorrow to writing.
Todays run is much harder. Both my lungs and my knees are screaming. I persevere through the first lap, telling myself that the second that will be easier, but it isn’t. Despite this when I reach the end of my second lap, I want to do another.
Again, I make myself go home.
Day 6: Monday
Even though I don’t have to, because I went yesterday, today I go for a run again.
During it, I think about how I’m going to change my routine for week 2 of phase 2. Due to next week only being week 1 of phase 1 (officially), I don’t worry about it too much, it’s just that I know that week one will fly by, and so I need to start coming up with a rough idea. I decided to choose from one of two options. The first being increasing my run time to 90 seconds and decreasing my walk time 3 minutes and 30 seconds. The second being to simply add another lap, so that I am doing three laps of my current run walk ratio instead of two.
Afterwards the rippling pain in my head is terrible.
Day 7: Tuesday
Tuesday is a rest day.
Part Eleven- To The Merseyside Police
when and how can i expect it and also can i also get a reason why it wasnt provided or some proof that it wasnt request because this is looking more and more like you have tried to not provide me with the requested material i remember ticking body cam footage its one of the only things i remember about filling out that form but i do remember it clearly
Phase 2: Run-Walk
Week B:(Should’ve been week 2)
Due to the fact that this weeks running journal is for the full week that I couldn’t run because of my concussion, I was going to also post next weeks journal entry with it. However, I decided against it, the reason being that injury related rest is just as important as any other type of running progress, such as Increased:
• Intensity
• Time
• Distance.
Therefore, I want to encourage rest, when recovery is needed. I feel the best way to do this, is by giving it just as much space and attention.
Day one – day seven: Wednesday – Tuesday
Rest due to my concussion, for the full seven days.
Part Ten- From The Merseyside Police.
These emails are sent by several different people
We can accept the below email as your new request, as the previous request was within the last six months we do not need any ID.
Kind Regards,
After reading the guides phase two plan, in my opinion it is far too complicated and unnecessary, and those are the bits that I can understand. It includes walking, run-walks, cross training on a bike or elliptical trainer, and the time guides make no sense to me. For these reason and for personal reasons I wont be following the guide, or posting its day plan. However, I might still try to use it to make my own plan, and have already used it to make my week one plan. I will put up the exercise days/ rest days and total day times, from it too.
My personal reason are as follows:
• I don’t own a bike, and even if I did, I forgot how to ride one in between learning and getting an adults bike, of some sort as a teenager. Don’t judge me I have terrible mental Illnesses and it has been suggested, by some of the members I trained with at the MMA Gym, that I might be dyspraxic. My mother dealt with my potential dyspraxia the same way as she dealt with my mental health issues, which was by getting frustrated with me and telling me to behave like a normal person.
• I cant afford a gym membership, and even if I could, covid.
• I have no idea what an elliptical trainer is, and seeing as I just want to run, I don’t care.
• I don’t understand the instructions. They seem really unnecessarily easy and complicated at the same time, like they’re trying to drag it out. I want a simple plan that gets me to running as fast as possible.
• I won’t be doing any more just walking. I hate it. I’ve done enough, I will be concentrating on run-walking only, from this point forward.
• I’m not doing five days, because if I say I am, I will be setting myself up to fail, as I just cant fit five days of exercise into my life right now, because of my upset lifestyle. I refuse to set myself up to fail. I’m doing too well to sabotage myself.
• I will no longer be counting how long exercise takes me, even roughly. I’m not interested in time, it means nothing. Distance covered is what counts for me.
• I will no longer be using a calendar to keep track of my schedule, I will be changing to a list.
Phase 2: Run-walk
Week A (Should have been week 1)
Day one: Wednesday
Today is my first run walk of the year, but not ever. When I started running 2017, I began by doing running for one minute, then walking for one minute, on the treadmill. This is what I tried to do in November and December of 2020, last year, without success. During week one, I will be doing run for one minute, walk for four minutes, which is 20% run, 80% walk. It feel like it will be almost too easy.
It is not.
Firstly, I am unable to wear my glasses when I run, and I can’t can’t begin to deal with wearing contact lenses, so due to a combination of shortsightedness and keratoconus, my sight is limited to a couple of inches in front of my face, and even that is blurry. Obviously, I can’t see the ground because of this, which makes running a problem in itself. However, it is made worse by the fact that people are walking in groups, in a way that takes up the entire width of the pavement and they refuse to move over, even when they can see me.
Secondly, not only does the middle toe on my left foot still not feel right, my ankle and knee still hurts, and my legs ache from the speed.
Thirdly, I can’t breathe and my lungs are burning.
Then, there are the visual hallucinations. At the moment though they are only mild. I’m, just, seeing black snow, again.
By the end of my first lap, I’m exhausted, but from force myself around the second time.
Halfway around, just, my left boob begins to hurt.
Also, did I mention, that it took me ten minutes to get into my sports bra, because it had an additional hole to the armholes and head hole?
Despite how hard today’s run was, it was much easier than walking stress wise, so I’m not dreading tomorrows run as much as I was todays.
Day two: Thursday
Today, I have all the same problems as yesterday; minus, the 10 minutes spent getting into my sports bra, as this sports bra only has the necessary amount of holes; plus, today’s sports bra being too tight, which results in it cutting into the skin under my left arm.
I find running a bit easier, today. Yesterday, I estimated that running 20% of the route cut about five minutes off my lap time. Today, it seems like I’ve cut off even more time than that.
Day three: Friday
Friday is supposed to be a rest day, but I end up in A&E with a concussion and nerve trauma in my head.
Day four – Day seven: Saturday – Tuesday
Forced rest days, due to my head injuries.
My recent visit to the dental hospital
Tuesday the 9th of March 2021
On Tuesday the 9th of March 2021, I had a consultation appointment at the dental hospital to discuss having my coronectomied wisdom tooth roots removed, which had not only caused me a great deal of pain already, as well as an infection, but will likely cause me future pain an infections if they are not removed.
If you haven’t read my previous five Sunday blog posts, three of which are autobiographical stories and two of which are journal entries, I would recommend that you read those before you read this one, so that you understand what it is I am yammering on about.
If you have already read those posts, you will know that I have been having issues with my wisdom teeth, for over two decades. Why I expected that this appointment would be the beginning of the end of these issues, I don’t know, I admit, I should have known better.
Before I get into what happened at the appointment though, I want to address some concerns I have about how the hospital are dealing with trying to prevent the spread of covid, as it seemed as though they were actively trying to spread it rather than prevent it.
I am no covid expert, obviously, but it seemed clear to me that a better solution would have been to make one set of stairs for going up, and the other for going down.
2. As I entered the building I was stopped about two feet from the door by an employee, who told me, that even though I knew where I was going I wasn’t allowed to enter the building until I had spoken to the staff on Reception 1. Reception 1 is to the right of the entrance, and there is not many feet between the door and the desk, even though the foyer is huge. There were several people already in the queue (which was actually just a disorganised crowd of people, who had all been forced into a very small space together, trying to remember who was in front of them) and more people were already being directed to join the queue almost as soon as I had. When I arrived there was a group of at least six people (I know this because I counted six adults by sight, but they had too many children who were running around to count, without actively making an effort to try to count them) who were all together, none of who spoke enough english alone to conduct a one on one conversation with the (sole) receptionist. This in itself was enough to mean it took the receptions a ridiculously long amount of time to speak to them, but what drug it out even longer was that it eventually transpired that at least one of the group had recently had covid. The receptionist didn’t seem to be able to come to a decision as to whether or not they were allowed to enter the building, as a result they were asked to move into the foyer (where the rest of us had been told we couldn’t go in case we had covid) while they waited for another member of staff to come and assess them. When I finally made it to the front of the queue, I discovered the reason we were all being held there was so that the receptionist could ask us about six covid related questions, which took no more than 30 seconds to answer.
Off the top of my head, there were several solutions which were better than this one, that I could think of:
3. Nobody took my temperature.
(Is that still a thing?
If not it should be.)
4. While I was at the hospital, I had two separate consultations and one set of X-rays. After each of these, I was ordered to put the same mask back on, “For my own safety.” Even though we know this is unsafe practice for the wearer. At no point was I offered a new mask.
I feel like I can hear you all asking me the same question I have been asking myself about the masks since it happened, even though I know the answer to the question, “Why didn’t I just ask for a clean mask/s?”
As stupid as this might sound to a none borderline person, I was afraid.
If you go back and read my tweets from this day (well the tweets that survived it) you will see that as the day progresses I get more and more emotional and erratic, as I cycle through the fear, the guilt and shame about how I allowed myself to be treated the way I was treated, and the anger at myself, again for allowing it to happen, as well as towards the person who treated me that way for treating me that way.
There were reasons why I felt and was behaving this way, but I don’t know how to say what those reasons were because the best word I can find to do so is victimised, but victimised seems like too heavy a word in the context of what happened, yet victimised is not only how I felt as it was happening to me but also how I still feel about it now.
Every time I start to write about what happened, I start to cry. The fear, anger, guilt and shame begin to swell up inside me again. I start to slip in and out of past and present tense, as though I am reliving the events.
My actions while I was at the dental hospital reflect that I was feeling victimised because I am mentally ill. When I am feeling this way I actively seek out organisations, companies and people who have victimised me because I am mentally ill in the past, on social media and the internet, in order to read about them or see what they are saying or doing. While I was waiting for my X-rays and second consultation, this is what I was doing. I don’t know why I do this when I feel this way. It’s not something I am in control of.
This is what happened, I am sorry if I can’t keep my tenses straight, I am really struggling.
A dental nurse showed me into the examination room, but didn’t stay, which I didn’t even notice at first. This was because, the dentist asked me to take a seat and tell her what was wrong, so my full attention was on her.
Starting at the beginning, I explained how after my coronectomy, I was in pain until the December, which then flared back up in Mid 2020, before explaining about my recent infection, and how the dentist took x-rays that showed that the tooth had been moving.
To which her response was, and I quote, “Oh, I’ve heard all about you,” in a tone that suggested she had heard awful things about me, or had been warned about me.
What do you say to that?
What have you heard about me?
That I’m putting in a complaint?
I mean, hasn’t me putting in a complaint been a long time coming?
I think I have been overly patient.
Or maybe you have heard that I am; dramatic, hysterical, abusive, or that I overreact, or that I manipulated my way into getting this appointment?
Because I was in control of myself at this point, and therefore capable of choosing how I reacted to this, I was forced into saying Nothing.
Maybe you don’t Understand how I was forced into freely deciding to say nothing. It’s because I understood the awful thing she had just done to me. She had used my vulnerability to manipulate me. She had made me incapable of defending myself against her, if I needed to. She had done this unprofessional and inappropriate thing to me, and she’d made it obvious to me that was what she was doing, by doing this to me using an inappropriate and unprofessional comment, in a confident way, as if to declare, “It’s my word against yours, and with your reputation, who is going to believe you over me.”
How do I know for certain that this was her intention?
Because as I was explaining my problem to her, she was reading the form they had just given me to fill in about my physical and mental health, and when she got to the point on the form where I had abbreviated borderline personality disorder to BPD, to fit it into the box, she asked me, “by BPD do you mean you have borderline personality disorder?”
Meaning, she is familiar with BPD, and if she is familiar with BPD, it is safe to assume she knows it by its current name, which is EUPD or emotionally unstable personality disorder, meaning she is aware that I am “emotionally on stable.”
If you don’t understand how I have just been manipulated, don’t worry, I’m about to tell you.
There is nothing anybody can say to, “Oh, I have heard all about you,” especially in the tone she said it in, that the person who said it can’t then twist to make you seem as though you; overreacted, reacted dramatically or hysterically or were hostile, abusive or confrontational.
Even just calmly asking, “What is it you have heard about me?” – Could be used as proof that you were overreacting (that you took what was said the wrong way) or became hostile and/or confrontational.
However, as this was said the way it was said, and it had made me feel the way it had made me feel, combined with having BPD, there was no way if I responded to her statement, I was going to be able to respond “calmly.” Also, if she was to answer this question, based on her tone, the answer would not have been positive. Therefore, my reaction to that, would also not be positive.
As a result I was left wondering what had been said about me, which meant that whatever went on during this appointment, I couldn’t disagree with her opinion and/or behaviour in any way.
It also made me feel as though any complaints I made about her, would not be taken seriously.
At this point, I was hyper aware of the fact that we were alone, meaning there were no witnesses.
This made me feel unsafe.
If you’re still unconvinced that she had purposely used my vulnerability to manipulate me, and believe I was being paranoid, not only let me remind you that BPD “paranoia” is triggered by a solid factual event. However I feel what happened from this point on is proof enough.
She, then, “examined me.”
During this examination, it became obvious to me that she wanted certain answers to her questions. What she did, did not feel like an investigation into my problem, if felt like a medical interrogation.
Even though I told her it was obviously where the pain was coming from, she began tapping on other teeth. This seemed normal to me at first, after all the dentists had done the same thing. When she started tapping on my top wisdom tooth, that’s when I began to feel high level afraid. She was asking the same question she’d been asking as she tapped the other teeth, which was, “Does this hurt?”
Only every time I said no, she became more aggressive, increasing how hard she was “tapping” until it did hurt, but not because there was an underlying medical issue causing the pain, rather due to the seemingly excessive force she was using.
She repeated this while squeezing my jaw, and making me open and close my mouth. This went on until I close my mouth and felt painful pop and told her what I felt.
She responded, “No, that’s not right. It would hurt when you open your mouth. Does it hurt when you open your mouth?” “No,” I insisted
“It should,” She repeated
“Well it doesn’t” I insisted.
By now, I had gone into doing this weird thing I do, when I feel like I’m trapped in a dangerous situation and just need to get out of it. I would like to clarify that danger to my BPD does not always mean immediate physical threat, it can mean getting a warning at work, getting fired, et cetera. This weird thing I do, is to try to calmly discuss my position, but eventually end up just agreeing to anything that will get me out of this situation, when I begin to become emotional. So, when she was hurting me, I told her that, “It hurt,” when it genuinely did hurt, but I didn’t feel as though I could safely say to her “I feel like you are using excessive force on me.”
Then she sat back down, and began telling me that my problem was my jaw, not the tooth. She backed this up, by taking things I had said to her previously and twisting them.
Example
Her, “The pain is worse in the mornings.”
Me, “No, it’s not.”
Her, “You said you wake up in pain.”
Me, “No, I said I woke up on the morning I first had the symptoms of an infection, with tooth pain and a headache, and the next day I woke up with a sore throat and earache.”
Her, ” See, you’re telling me the pain is worse in the mornings.”
Me, “No, I’m not. The pain comes and goes, and it can be just as bad in the afternoon or the night as it is in the mornings.”
Her, “See, the pain is mainly worse in the mornings.”
me, “No, it’s not.”
Her, “From what you’ve just told me it is.”
Me, doesn’t respond because I am about to start crying and loose my voice related volume control.
Eventually, I remind her that there is evidence that what I am telling her I am experiencing is real, because there are x-rays showing the tooth has moved. So she sends me for another x-ray.
This is the point, when I start using the internet and social media to torment myself.
When I am finally called in to get my x-ray done, it’s obvious the technician is new, as he doesn’t seem to even know where to begin. Eventually, he has to call somebody else to help him. I don’t blame or judge him for this, I even feel a little bit sorry for him, after all most people have to start from the beginning when undertaking any new challenge.
How has he made it this far into the day without any help, I wonder, and why isn’t there a more knowledgeable staff member with him at all times?
This makes my uneasiness increase.
At my second consultation, the dentist reluctantly admits that the tooth has moved, which apparently means that she has to repeat her enthusiastically examination. After finishing this examination, she tells me, “You are a strange one.”
I want to tell her that I am not a strange one, at all, I just refuse to be bullied into giving her the answers that she wants from me, if they aren’t true, this paired with her enthusiastic examination, has given her strange results.
Regardless, she is still adamant that this is a problem with my jaw, because I am a tooth grinder, who refuses to wear a teeth guard.
I find myself trying to explain that I am not refusing to wear it, I can’t deal with it, because of my mental health issues (which weren’t even diagnosed at the time I was struggling to wear it) but I decide if I’m going to die on any dental health related hill, this is not the dental health hill I want to die on today.
At one point, I remember desperately pleading with her to believe that I wasn’t making up that I was suffering with wisdom tooth related issues.
To which she responded, that she didn’t think I was making it up, she just believed it was a jaw issue.
I tried to reason with her, that the x-rays were evidence that the tooth was causing me these problems.
She remained unconvinced and asked me if she could refer me to a jaw specialist at the hospital, although it didn’t sound as though it was a question or that I had a choice.
At this point, I was at the peak of my do whatever I need to do or say whatever I need to say to survive this experience episode, so when she told me it didn’t mean that they definitely weren’t going to remove the truth, I agreed.
Part Nine- To The Merseyside Police.
None of this email is missing at this point I am frustrated with being messed around by the police.
and will i be getting a new subject access request form in the post be because i remember body cam footage being a tick box on the form and i ticked it so its information i know im entitled to but for some reason you havent provided it
Part Fifteen- From the Merseyside police
As per my update on the 7th of October 2020, I have submitted my findings and I am awaiting a response. Due to a high volume of work the Sergeants are taking longer to review work.
Regards
Phase one: Walking
Tip 1
Seek medical advice
It is important that you are aware of your own limitations and risks, not only for phase 1, but for your goals overall. Speak to your GP before you begin any exercise routine or sport, even one that may seem low risk.
Tip 2
Know what your own goals are
This tip might sound obvious, and as a consequence of believing that, you might skip over it. Don’t! If you skip over it, you risk getting several weeks in only to realise that you aren’t making any progress, because you are aimless.
Do –
Ask yourself what your reasons are For embarking on a seven week walking schedule.
Don’t –
Ask yourself what your reasons are for wanting to exercise overall at this stage.
Think of phase 1 as a separate entity to your overall plan, be it to lose weight, run a marathon, et cetera.
Example
My goals for embarking on the seven week walking schedule were:
• To build up stamina for starting phase 2.
• To force myself to actually leave my house when required to exercise.
Tip 3
Plan a safe route
I would recommend, that you do this before you start the seven week schedule, if that is an option. If you’re familiar with the area where you are going to be exercising, this will be much easier.
A factor that everybody should consider when planning their route, is whether your route crosses any busy roads, as this is a huge safety issue. Beyond that however, everybody’s personal needs will vary.
Spend some time thinking about what your personal routine and safety needs are, before you start planning your route.
If you are unable to plan your route in advance, don’t worry, make finding a safe and suitable route one of your phase 1 goals.
Once you have a rough idea of the route you are going to take, walk it, to see how safe and suitable it is. Do this at the time of day you plan to exercise, so you know what the environmental conditions will be like at this time of day.
For example:
• Is there adequate light?
• Are you going to encounter a situation that will negatively impact your exercise, such as getting caught up in crowds of people doing the school run?
As you walk, time yourself, so that you know how long it will take you to complete your route.
After you finish walking the route, you will have a much better idea of whether it is safe and suitable, or whether you need to make amendments to it, and what those amendments will be, or if you need to entirely disregard that route and start planning a new one.
Personally, I find completing several laps of a small route, rather than one lap of a larger route, better. By small route I mean a route of around a mile and a half, or which takes you 20 to 30 minutes to complete.
The benefits of this are:
• That it gives me the opportunity to pee every 20 to 30 minutes, if I need to, as I can go inside my own flat at this point. This is particularly useful if like me you need to pee often and there are no toilets along your route.
• It allows me to take short breaks for other things, such as water and medication, as I am severely asthmatic, so regular inhaler use during exercise is required. Carrying my keys, phone, medication, water et cetera is something I not only find distracting, it is something I find impossible to do, at all.
• If I overestimated how much exercise I am capable of doing, on any day, it allows me to cut my exercise short, potentially preventing injury.
• Alternatively, if you find yourself wanting to do a little bit more, you can do this in a way that again means you’re less likely to overdo it.
• For those who need to use the seven weeks to plan a safe and suitable route, this is a good way to do that, while also gradually increasing the amount of exercise that you do. After all, it is impossible to plan a 60 minute route this way, when you’re only walking for 20 minutes a day.
As soon as you have decided that you have found the best route for you, work out the distance of your route.
I did this using Google Maps, and it was fairly easy.
This how I did it:
• I went to the App Store, download Google Maps, and opened it.
• In the search bar, I typed the postcode of the street I start my walk on (you can also type in the street name et cetera). Then I dropped a pin at the point that I start.
• The address appeared at the bottom of the screen, which I clicked on. It then brought up a list of options, and I choose the measure distance option.
• This allowed me to add a series of markers along my route. As I did this, it measured the distance, which is displayed in the bottom left-hand corner.
If you decide doing several laps of a shorter route is better for you, you can still use this method to work out the distance you will have walked by simply multiplying (meaning times or x) the distance of your route, by the number of times you completed it.
Tip 4
Use the seven weeks to build an exercise routine.
1. Consultant a professional guide, with the aim of tailoring it into a schedule that suits you.
At this stage you should have:
• Consulted a GP, so you know what your own limitations and risks are.
• Decided your phase 1 goals.
• A rough idea of what your own physical capabilities are.
• Hopefully, loosely planned your route.
Keeping in mind all of the above it is time to start planning an exercise schedule that is specific to you.
Regardless of your current physical capabilities, using a beginners guide will be a massive help to you, when doing this.
2. Unless your physical capabilities and/or risks don’t allow it, I would recommend, that you start by walking for at least half an hour and every exercise day.
There are several reasons for this:
• Firstly, you are likely already encountering situations in your life, or could encounter situations in your life, that require you to walk this far.
• Secondly, you’re not going to want to bother getting ready to do an activity, if getting ready to do it takes longer than doing the activity itself.
• Doing any activity for an amount of time that is so small it makes doing that activity seem insignificant, is going to make you feel like that activity is not worth doing.
Setting yourself up to meet too high of a goal is self sabotage, but so is setting yourself up with too low a goal.
3. Exercise for 4/7 days a week.
Establish a healthy balance of exercise from day one.
You don’t want to:
• Injure yourself.
• Exhaust yourself.
• Have other areas of your life started suffering because you no longer have the time or energy for them.
However, you want to make sure that you are:
• Dedicating enough time to exercise.
• Making it a priority.
Trust me when I say, that exercising four times a week, at least at this point, is the perfect amount.
4. Think of a way, to safely and realistically build up the amount of exercise you are doing, that works for you.
Example 1
If you’re using laps:
Week 1 – 1 lap x 4 days
Week 2 – 1 lap x 2 days + 2 laps x 2 days
Week 3– 2 laps x 4 days
Week 4– 2 laps x 2 days +3 laps x 2 days
Week 5– 3 laps x 4 days
Week 6– 3 laps x 2 days +4 x 2 days
Week 7– 4 laps x 4 days
Example 2
If you’re using time:
Week 1– 30 minutes x 4 days
Week 2– 30 minutes x 2 days +40 minutes x 2 days
Week 3 –40 minutes x 4 days
Week 4 –40 minutes 2 x days +50 minutes x 2 days
Week 5– 50 minutes x 4 days
Week 6– 50 minutes x 2 days +60 minutes x 2 days
Week 7– 60 minutes x 4 days
There is a professionally recommended technique, that suggest that you increase the distance you walk/run et cetera, by 10% every week. This means dividing the amount of time or distance you have walked/run et cetera at the end of your current week by 100, and multiplying (X) it by 110, to get the amount of time or distance you should run walk/run et cetera next week. Apparently this is a safe way to increase the exercise that you do. (Please note that my previous two examples are not using this technique.)
You want to build up your progress in a way that doesn’t risk your safety, but also continues to challenge you.
5. Set a time for exercise that suits you.
All the exercise advice that I have found over the years, has been adamant that first thing in the morning is when you should exercise.
The reasons that these guides always give include that exercising in the morning:
• Helps you lose weight by burning stored fat, rather than energy from the food you have eaten throughout the day.
• Is best because you get exercising over and done with.
• Won’t jam up your day.
If exercising first thing in the morning suits you, then great, do it. However, it doesn’t suit me, and I would feel confident betting that it doesn’t suit most people.
The reasons that exercising in the morning doesn’t suit me are:
• I am on heavy mental health medication (antipsychotics) and don’t sleep well. This means I need at least an hour in the morning to wake up properly. During this time period, I can’t trust my body or mind to function correctly or safely.
• I need breakfast and a cup of coffee, as soon as I wake up.
I did try to go first thing in the morning during my first week, and the thought of having to go for a walk as soon as I got up, made it impossible for me to get out of bed.
If exercising first thing in the morning isn’t best for you, don’t try to force yourself. Best case scenario is that you will give up going. Worse case scenario is that you will go and have a serious accident.
Yet, I do need to address the don’t jam up your day point, as it’s a real problem and one that after seven weeks I myself am still struggling with.
Try to use a time of the day that isn’t already used for something else. You don’t want your exercise to negatively impact other important areas of your life, such as work, housework or family time.
If you have time in your day that is reserved as you time (which trust me, I know that most people don’t) this would be the best time to slot it in.
Accept, because exercise is an important part of life, it is going to take up time from your life.
Again, it’s about both balance and being realistic.
6. Be purposeful with your exercise.
Create space in your dedicated exercise days for walking, and for walking only. After all you would need to do this if you were going running, swimming, or to the gym or a yoga class et cetera. Then only count what you do during this space as exercise, meaning don’t for example count steps you took going to the supermarket or work towards your goal and/or progress.
7. Finally, be as rigid as possible as you possibly can, on sticking to the schedule you have made.
If you know you are going to need to swap your days and times from week to week, plan that as far in advance as you can. if something pops up out of the blue and you have to change your time of day or day on that same day, that’s fair enough.
What I am saying is don’t just decide you can’t be bothered, or you’re not in the mood, so you’re going another day.
If I don’t go today, on my planned day, it is likely that I wont go tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that, and very quickly I will have gone from going religiously to not going at all. I would bet that most people are the same.
Tip 5
Invest in sensible walking clothes
Specifically, invest in a pair of proper walking shoes. You might think any old shoes will do for walking. They won’t. I had at least one injury due to unsuitable walking shoes, during the seven weeks.
Also invest in good socks to wear with those shoes. You’re going to be spending a lot of time wearing them, protect your feet.
If it’s winter, invest in some warm clothes, especially warm legwear. Throwing on a jumper, a heavy coat, hat, scarf, your gloves, wont keep your legs warm. Most normal leg wear, such as jeans, aren’t going to do that either. The good thing about walking is that you don’t have to wear light running clothes, take advantage of this when you need to.
Tip 6
Keep organised record of your exercise, progress, events that happened during that impact your exercise, and your thoughts feelings and moods that impact your exercise.
Start by buying a normal calendar, exclusively for using to keep track of your exercise schedule, and marking the day numbers and whether it is a rest or exercise day on it. You don’t have to go into any more detail than that, in fact it’s best that you don’t. Cross off each day, at the end of each day.
The reasons for doing this are:
• So that you know you’re never going to forget what exercise day you’re on, and whether it’s a rest or exercise day. This might sound pointless, but trust me, it’s easy to lose track and it happens much soon and faster than you would imagine.
• So if you do need to change your rest and exercise days around, it makes that easier not only to do, but also to keep track of.
Keep a set of journals.
• In the first journal, set out all your goals and plans, et cetera.
• In the second, log your progress. Whether thats in laps, miles or minutes. Do this as soon as you return from your walk, run, et cetera. Add up your weekly progress at the end of every week.
• In the third, you should log what happens on your walks, your mood, thoughts and feelings around and during your walks. Any injuries, and pains. Any impact it’s having other areas of your life, be it positive or negative. Read this at the end of every week, you will learn a lot from it.
Keep all your journals and calendar together in a folder, wallet, draw, et cetera.
Tip 7
Celebrate Failure
Hope that during your seven weeks, you encounter a day where due to circumstances beyond your control, you fail to meet your daily or weekly goal, and hope that it happens near the beginning.
Regardless of when failure inevitably happens, let it teach you a valuable lesson. Progress isn’t an unbroken chain of exercise days, or consistently being better today than you were yesterday. Progress includes how you deal with both setbacks and out right failure. Do you let it defeat you, or do you carry on?
Carry on!
Interruptions, setbacks and failures, can take many forms. Maybe you just got up late. Maybe your body is telling you to slow down. Listen to it. If you’re too sore, too tired, et cetera, don’t overdo it. Maybe the weather conditions are unsafe, such as if it’s icy outside.
Accept that things outside of your control happen, and that you are not to blame for them. Instead celebrate the fact, that it happened and, you overcame it.
A note I would like to add here is this:
Accept that you probably won’t make the progress you want to in the first couple of weeks, but don’t let that stop you from aiming for your goals.
Tip 8
Build your own support system.
Connecting with other walkers, runners, et cetera, whether it be “in real life” or online, will help you stick to your routine and keep you motivated.
Personally, I have “failed” on this tip so far, so I know that it’s not always an option. If it’s not, find something else that encourages you to stick to your routine, and stay motivated. For me it has been blogging about it.
Tuesday, the 23rd of February 2021
During the weekend preceding the 23rd of February 2021, I realise that I was really mixed up with all my medical appointments because I had so much going on, so I sat down to try to get myself organised a bit. One of the things that I did to get organised, was write a list of all the appointments that I needed to chase up.
On Monday, I was busy with things that needed to be done that day, so I didn’t get around to tackling my list until Tuesday.
On Tuesday the first thing I did was call the dentist, as I still hadn’t received a letter from the dental hospital acknowledging my referral.
The receptionist informed me that, the dental hospital had rejected the referral request, but that the reason for rejecting it was nothing to do with Covid, rather it was because they didn’t deal with coronectomy related issues, due to this I had been referred to a local practice who would deal with them. when she gave me the name of the dental practice, I was sure that it was the one who had refused to remove the wisdom tooth, then lied about it.
At this point, I began feel severely unwell, mentally and emotionally. Trying my hardest not to get upset, I tried to confirm with her whether or not this was the same practice, and explain what had happened the previous time I went there. If I had been given the chance, I would have also told I her the dental hospital had advised me to get referred back to them if I had further pain in my coronectomied wisdom tooth. However, she refused to confirm if it was the same practice, and kept interrupting me and talking over me.
I’ve made my dental practice aware of my diagnosis. The staff are supposed to be trained medical professionals. Though I don’t expect them to be fully aware of how my illness affects me (which as I write this, I feel like they should, after all they know how bipolar disorder or schizophrenia effects sufferers) I do expect them to be aware that I suffer with serious mental illnesses, and as a result to be vigilant of my mood and behaviour when they are dealing with me, in order to identify that I might be feeling unwell and that their behaviour might be exacerbating that, and to adjust their behaviour accordingly. It was obvious to me that she had noticed my state of mind was deteriorating every time she cut me off, as each time she was becoming more combative and hostile towards me, escalating her own behaviour to out do mine, which all things considered really wasn’t bad. Becoming aggressive with a person on the edge of, or in the grip of, a mental illness related, emotionally unstable episode, is not going to calm them down, it’s going to ramp up what they are already struggling with. Due to her escalation of my symptoms, my memory of this conversation is a patchy mixed up blur.
I can give you an example of how she was acting though.
During the conversation, she interrupted me to tell me that I had been referred to that particular practice because it was the closest practice to where I live. The practice I had the issues with is now down the road from where I live. I began to reply, “Then it will be the dental practice that I had the issues with.”
She cut me off at the word practice and said “Yes, it definitely will be that dental practice that you need to go to.”
At this point, I would say that it was a fairly mild episode, and I was managing for the most part to control my reactions. What reactions were out of my control, were not explosive or extreme or even out of order. In the end she got fed up with cutting me off, and in a manner that suggested I was the person being rude and out of order, gave me my patient number and the telephone number to the team who deal with booking appointments, then hung up on me.
Immediately, I phoned the booking team to try to rectify my problem. The woman who answered the phone, did actually listen to what was wrong, but as soon as I finished her attitude towards me changed and she became blunt and disinterested. She informed me that, neither she nor anybody else would be changing my referral to the dental hospital, and that if I wanted to go to a different dental practice it would be one on the Wirral. I can’t drive. I don’t have a drivers license or a car, and I don’t know anybody who does drive, and I told her this. Her response was, that in that case I had no choice but to go back to the dental practice who had refuse to treat me in the past, and if I wasn’t happy with that I would have to write a letter of complaint to my own dental practice.
By now, I was balls deep in my episode.
When I called my dentist back to find out who I addressed my written complaint to, I was holding onto my self control by a fraying thread.
The receptionist refused to give me the information that I needed, because and I quote, “It’s not our fault you have been referred to this particular dental practice, it’s the dental hospital and the booking team is fault.”
Every time I explained that it was the booking teams instructions to do this, she repeated herself.
This is where I lost control, and my complete memory of what happened next. Whatever it was that happened, by the end of it I had the name of the person I needed, and the receptionists bad attitude had changed to one that sounded as though she was worried I was also going to complain about her, which suggests to me that she is aware that her attitude and behaviour towards patients is inappropriate and unprofessional.
During the second conversation I must have been crying, because as soon as I got off the phone to her, I called my mum to tell her what had happened, while sobbing hysterically. I continue to sob hysterically afterwards, but I don’t know how long for, because I was still in that state when my mobile began to ring.
Recognising the number on the screen as my dental practices number, I answered it purely because I expected to be informed that they were striking me off as a patient, due to how upset I had been the last time I spoke to them. Honestly, I would have taken that news better than the actual reason they had phoned me.
It was the dentist who had seen me at my last two appointments, which I was not expecting. She didn’t even verify who she was speaking to, she just launched into what she had to say to me, which was that they would change my referral if I wanted, but it would be changed to a dental practice on the Wirral, not the dental hospital or another dental practice in Liverpool.
To say I was both confused and furious, on top of all my other emotions, as a result of this would be a massive understatement.
“Why have you phoned me to tell me what I already know?” I sobbed breathlessly. It was a genuine question.
Instead of answering she asked “What do you mean?”
(I knew she knew exactly what I meant, because it was the reason I wanted to complain, therefore the reason she was calling me, which was to try to prevent me from making this complaint. Also she later admitted she had known exactly what I meant, and that it was the reason she called me, to my mother.)
That was it. That was the bullshit that broke me. I began shouting about what had gone on early that day. She tried to make the excuse that it wasn’t the practices fault. That set me off ranting about the unprofessional rude receptionists, and the incompetent an uncompassionate dentists who had allowed me to suffer with tooth pain for almost two decades.
If it genuinely had not been obvious on my earlier call that I was unwell, it definitely was on this one. Yet, the dentist handled it no better than the receptionist.
“You can’t blame me for that, I wasn’t working here then, that’s not my fault” snapped at me. Even though I am clearly still suffering with the tooth pain I’m talking about, and its her dealing with it now.
“You work there now, and you’re to blame for this now,” I shot back.
“I’m trying to help you,” her tone of voice did not reflect that she was trying to help me, if that really was the case, which it obviously was not.
“Does it sound like you’re helping me?” I asked.
“There is no point in me talking to you if you’re going to be that way,” she accused. Then she hung up on me.
I collapsed onto the floor in a shaking heap, weeping so uncontrollably that I couldn’t breathe.
After I managed to catch my breath, I dragged myself into the bedroom and crawled into the mattress. Then I lay down, called my mum and I recounted what had just happened.
After I hung up, my mum phoned the dentist herself. She questioned them to as to why they had behaved so unprofessionally when it was clear that it was causing me distress. She reminded them that I am unwell, and was showing obvious signs of a person having an episode, and now because their unprofessional response to that I was severely unwell.
Oddly enough, whoever my mother spoke to was not rude, combative, hostile, or aggressive to her, which suggests that they only found it appropriate to behave that way to a vulnerable adult, who they likely thought would not be able to defend them self, or even be believed if they told anyone.
They admitted that they had phoned me back to doublecheck that what I said about not having a car or a drivers license was true, because you know I’m either stupid or a liar, I’m not a mentally ill person with a genuine problem I needed help with.
They told her that I shouldn’t worry about it, because they had just referred me back to the dental hospital, due to the fact that I was still a patient under their care where my coronectomied wisdom tooth was concerned, and so they were more than happy to see me again.
I just can’t even explain all the issues with this last statement, because I am triggered just writing this, but if you have read the rest of this post, at least half of them are obvious if not all of them.
Part Eight- From The Merseyside Police.
These emails are sent by several different people
The logs have been redacted to take out third party details and police technical information. The two other files are audio files, they will work any media playing software.
I will how ever put the disclosure in the post today and have it sent out via special delivery.
Should you still wish to complain about your response, this can be done in two ways:
Via the Merseyside website: https://www.merseyside.police.uk/fo/feedback/tc/thanks-and-complaints/
Via the ICO website: https://ico.org.uk/make-a-complaint/your-personal-information-concerns/
Kind Regards,
Part Fourteen- To The Merseyside Police
Hi I have still heard nothing from you about my complaint can I please get an up date?
The guides schedule
Day 43: 20 minutes
Day 44: 45 minutes
Day 45: 20 minutes or rest
Day 46: 40 minutes
Day 47: Rest
Day 48: 60 minutes
Day 49: Rest
Total time: 3 hours and 5 minutes
my schedule
Day 43: 4 laps = 1 hour 40 minutes = 6.668 miles
Day 44: 4 laps = 1 hour 40 minutes = 6.668 miles
Day 45: 3 laps = 1 hour 15 minutes = 4.86 miles
Day 46: rest day
Day 47: rest day
Day 48: 3 laps = 1 hour 15 minutes = 4.86 miles
Day 49: rest day
Total laps = 14
Total time = 5 hours 50 minutes
Total miles = 23. 056 miles
Phase 1: Walking
Week seven (The final week)
Day 43: Wednesday
On Wednesday, the pain in my left foot is much worse. Regardless, I set out with the intention of completing four laps, which I successfully manage to do, despite encountering more police, which makes me feel seizurish.
If you haven’t already guessed, today becomes much weirder than my last walk, when I witnessed two cars colliding head on.
As I exit the dog park, I see both a normal ambulance, and one of those small paramedics cars, in the first sidestreet.
This by itself isn’t abnormal, it is what is happening in this street the next time I pass that is not normal. There is at least one police car parked in the street now (I suspect there are more that are out of sight, as the road curves around). Three people, dressed in blue plastic hazmat suits and white masks, carrying black cases that looks similar to toolboxes, are leaving one of the house that is very close to the curve in the road. Somebody is dead, I realise.
As I pass again on my third lap, the ambulance and paramedic car are gone, but the police car is still there, and a police van has taken the place of the ambulance. The death is obviously suspicious.
It is on my last lap, that it becomes obvious to me that somebody has been murdered. There is a fleet of police vans that are visible (meaning almost a dozen) parked in the very small street. Though they are parked half on, half off the pavements, on both sides of the road, it looks as though a normal car wouldn’t be able to squeeze between the vans.
By the time I finish my walk, and have been to the supermarket and I’m on my way home, a crowd has gathered on the corner opposite the dog park. Outside the house a group of people, who appear to be distressed family members and social workers, are talking.
Day 44: Thursday
Unbelievably, Thursday is the peak of my crazy week of walks.
On my second lap, I am followed and affectionately attacked by adorable dog, who resembles Marnie. Usually it wouldn’t bother me, but Covid. Despite Covid, I give her what I think she wants, and scratch her neck, but this doesn’t please her. She continues to claw at my leg, and jump up enthusiastically, as though she is begging me to pick her up for cuddles. When her owner expresses her shock at how much her dog seems to like me, I laugh along with her and say nothing about how it’s not her dog, it’s me. It’s not just people who approach me on the street, dogs and cats do too.
On my third lap, I see a very young boy, sitting on top one of the direction signs on the roundabout. He makes me want to go home, because I’m worried he will be roadkill the next time I pass the roundabout. I do not go home, but by the time I reach this roundabout on my fourth lap, I will wish I had.
I’m barely a quarter of the way around my circuit, when I encounter two people to who really should not be out in public together, especially not on a dual carriageway that is busy with both pedestrians and traffic, and who will trigger me into a BPD episode.
As I turn onto the dual carriageway, my attention is immediately drawn to two people walking a considerable distance ahead of me, going in the same direction as I am, due to the attention one of them is giving me.
They are slightly off to my right, and I am looking straight ahead, so at first I only catch their behaviour out the corner of my eye.
The one to my far right, who is closest to the road, is unmistakably female. She has dyed blonde hair that is messily piled up onto her head, and is wearing a green and black logo less fleece, smart pants and black smart shoes. At first I mistake her clothes for a supermarket uniform, it is not a supermarket uniform, but it is clearly a uniform of sorts, work clothes to be exact.
The other one (and I feel awful saying this) could either be male or female, it is impossible to tell, even when I see their face. They have short shaggy uneven salt and pepper hair, that looks like they cut it themselves, and don’t appear to be wearing make up. They are dressed in a silver bubble coat, boat shoes and jeans.
Both of them are the same height, neither tall nor short, which makes them taller than me, and both are heavyset.
It’s the one whose gender is not clear, who is giving me unwanted negative attention. They keep looking over their shoulder, glaring “aggressively” at me. There are many other people on the street, both in front of them and behind them, walking both towards them and away from them, yet it is only me they have taken issue with.
Inevitably, I catch eyes with them. Neither of us look away. By this point I’ve moved behind them, in order to allow other people to pass by me, but I am still a considerable distance behind them. What this means though, is that if I now look straight ahead, they are naturally in my line of sight. I’m not intentionally looking at them, I’m simply watching where I am going. The fact that I don’t show fear or weakness, by turning away from them, seems to really infuriate them. They turn fully around walking, backwards in order to glare at me constantly, before turning back around. Then they repeat this several times.
Now I have gotten, a bit closer to them, and a good look at them. As a person who has been a hospital patient on a psychiatric ward, twice, and has been an outpatient at several similar facilities, they appear to me to be a patient and a care worker.
However, by the time I come to this conclusion, I am already struggling with the BDP responses this person has triggered. It does not matter who you are, unwanted and “aggressive” attention by a stranger in public is scary. As a BPD sufferer my automatic fight or flight response appears to other to be fight, really it is not, it is more like defend yourself by standing your ground to put it simply, so I’ve already been battling the urge to tell them to, “Fuck off and leave me alone,” since they started walking backwards.
The fact that I know they are possibly unwell or have an injury etc, does not make me feel any better. If they have an illness or injury that makes them aggressive, they could become violent, and the responsible party, the woman, is completely ignoring them, and making no attempt to calm them down or deescalate the situation.
Now, I am angry at the woman. She has no regard for the mental or physical well being of the person in her care, or the people they encounter. Due to her lack of responsibility and care, I, a person who is mentally unwell has been triggered into an episode. Best case, I will now be very ill for the rest of the night. Worst case this persons actions could trigger me to try to defend myself verbally, which could lead to me being attacked, and that is even if I got a chance to defend myself, they could simply just assault me without me reacting to their behaviour.
My natural pace is much faster than theirs, so I decided my best course of action is to speed up and pass them, in the hopes that this will deescalate the situation. If it does not at least I will be moving away from them. In hindsight, I realised this was a bad decision, as they could’ve grabbed me as I passed them. I did pass them at a distance though. They were close the road, and I was close to the houses.
Unfortunately, passing them does not deescalate the situation, it actually has the opposite affect. The person begins shouting after me, and when I use the word shouting, I mean absolutely screaming. I can’t make out what they are saying, as I have my music on, and I’m trying my hardest to concentrate on the music, rather than the shouting, in the hope that it will stop me falling deeper into this episode I am struggling with. It doesn’t help. My concern for my safety is urging me to turn around in order to check the person isn’t pursuing me, but I don’t because I am on the verge of losing control and I know that if I turn around that will push me over the edge, and I will confront this person.
Finally, I turn the corner, the one where the I brick tripped over twice is, and passed the roundabout again. Me being out of their sight, doesn’t calm them down. They are still screaming. I’ve just cross the road where the two cars collided days earlier, when a chorus of car horns join the screams.
That is enough to break my self-control. I turn to see the person is now in the road, (meaning where the cars drive) sprinting around roundabout, like they themselves are a car. The woman is chasing them, with both her arms outstretched trying to grab them, but it is obvious they are too far away from her, and widening the gap between them every seconds.
I begin to shake, feeling as though I am on the verge of a panic attack, for two reasons. The first being that something similar has happened to me in the past, and I was assaulted on that occasion. The second being that I have had an episode where I ended up in the road myself.
I don’t stick around to see what happens. It is none of my business, and now I just want to get out of the street myself.
Roughly five minutes up the road, a white van is parked on the edge of the pavement, with all its sliding doors open. I can see the doors are open. It’s not that I don’t notice. It’s not even that it doesn’t cross my mind that someone could be waiting inside the van to grab me. It’s that I am not thinking straight, and even if I was, my body is no longer under my control, it is on autopilot. I’m watching myself walk. I myself I’m not walking. Due to this I don’t cross the street to pass the van. Instead, I walk straight in front of its open doors. Nobody is inside it, but just encountering it adds to my already fragile state of mind.
Day 45: Friday
Friday is usually a rest day. However, I have been trying to get help with my messed up toes from my GP for over a week, and as a result of not getting it, I end up in A&E. A&E are also or no help. The experience leaves me very agitated.
By seven in the evening, my agitation is increasing. For some unknown reason, I think maybe I can walk it off. You know, because both being outside and walking agitates me.
I often talk about how confused and disorientated I am in general. Tonight is a great example of this. Halfway round my first lap, I’m stopped by three very young teenagers, two of which are girls. It is the boy who approaches me. He asks where the local shops are, and I give him directions. Then he asked me if I know where a cemetery on a certain road is. The street the cemetery is on, is in the opposite direction to the shops they’ve just asked about. Although I know this, my brain starts thinking about whether there is a cemetery by the shops, it doesn’t think about whether there is a cemetery on the road they have named.
“No, I am sorry, I don’t,” I answer. In the moment I honestly don’t.
He starts to say something else, but one of the girls stops him, thanks me, and urges them on in the direction of the shops.
Halfway round my third lap, when I put my weight down on my left foot, my middle toe and the toe next to it pop painfully, they spasm for a couple of seconds, then lock up. For a couple minutes, I can’t move them at all. As soon as they become semi movable again, I limp home, hurting my right ankle in the process.
When I get home, I feel even more agitated than I was when I left. This, plus my now beyond agonising toes, and my sore ankle, lead me to decide that tomorrow, which is usually an exercise day, will be a rest day.
Day 46: Saturday
On Saturday, I take advantage of the fact I am not going on my walk, and read both the instructions for phase 2, and three weeks of the schedule. During this, I remember I had a list of things to do, one of which was reading the rest of the guide, which I still haven’t done. To say the schedule for phase 2 is a mess I can’t understand, would be an understatement. I have no other choice but to make my own plans for week one.
Day 47: Sunday
Sunday is a rest day.
While I’m brushing my teeth, I remember that I know exactly where the cemetery, that those three teenagers were looking for on Friday night, is. I’ve passed it, no joke, at least a thousand times.
Day 48:Monday
Monday is my final walk day. I complete three, blissfully uneventful laps, cutting my walk short, for no other reason than I have housework, college work and blog work piling up.
Day 49: Tuesday
Tuesday is a rest day, and the final day of phase 1.
ongoing Coronectomy issues
Part one: The infection
Mid 2020
Sometime in mid 2020, I woke up one morning with a familiar pain in my left lower back gum, which felt like the pain I had been experiencing up until December of 2019, only slightly worse.
Concerned, I phoned the dental hospital. The woman who I spoke to advised me that I would need to speak to my dentist about it, because the dental hospital were only treating patients infected with Covid.
I knew my dentist wouldn’t help me, but I did as I had been advised and phone them. The receptionist asked me to describe the pain, and commented that it sounded like the wisdom tooth was moving around inside the gum. However, she admitted she had no idea what a coronectomy was, and informed me that they didn’t deal with wisdom teeth anyway, so I would have to wait for the pandemic to end.
The pain lasted a few distressing weeks, then one morning I woke up and it had simply vanished.
Late 2020
In late 2020, I started to experience an uncomfortable and sore sensation in my left eye, which would come and go. Every time it returned it was worse and lasted longer.
Mid January 2021
My eye problems returned. This time though, the pain was the worst it had ever been, and it didn’t go away. Also I started to see bright flashes of colour above the eye.
Saturday, the 23rd of January 2021
On the 23rd of January this year, I woke up with severe and synchronised, somehow both blunt and sharp, throbbing agony in my left lower back gum, and the back left side of my head. The left eye was also much sorer than it had ever been, and occasionally the pain in it seemed to be synchronised with my tooth and headache.
Sunday, the 24th of January 2021
The next day I woke up with a severe ear ache in my left ear, and a sore throat, but only on the left side of my throat. The combined issues were so bad, not only could I not eat or drink, I couldn’t swallow. Although I don’t like taking painkillers, so I rarely take them, I began taking two every time I could, but they made no difference.
Monday, the 25th of January 2021
At seven o’clock the next morning I was still awake due to the pain, so I got up, googled what time my dentist opened, and waited anxiously to call them.
I honestly didn’t expect them to allow me to make an appointment, and they certainly tried their best not to make me one. I described how I was suffering from a sharp, blunt, throbbing agony in my coronectomied wisdom tooth, head, ear, throat and eye, and that I believed I had an infection in my tooth.
Just as I finishing saying this, the line went dead. The mobile signal at the block of flats where I live is so dreadful, I assumed that the reason the line had gone dead was because my signal had dropped.
Annoyed by my living situation, I called them back and got through to a different receptionist. Starting over, I began to describe my problem again. She stopped me to explain that she’d overheard my previous call, and that her colleague had accidentally cut me off while trying to put me on hold. All of which seemed irrelevant. Then instead of allowing me to personally explain my problem to her, she started asking the other receptionist what I had said to her on my previous call. The other receptionist told her I had been complaining that my face was extremely swollen, which was my only symptom, and for that reason I had jumped to the conclusion that I had a tooth infection. It took about three minutes for me to get the receptionist that I was currently speaking to, to accept that my face wasn’t swollen and that I hadn’t claimed it was. When I finally managed to convince her to listen to me and let me tell her what was wrong with me, she responded- “It doesn’t sound like you have an infection. That doesn’t even sound like a dental problem. It sounds like you should have called your GP about this. I can’t book you in without checking with the dentist that she will agree to see you with this.”
Then she hung up on me.
The conversation had been so stressful, that when she called me back to tell me that the dentist had agreed to see me, I felt too unwell to answer the call. However, I had no choice because I desperately need an appointment.
In a sulky tone, she informed me that the dentist had agreed to see me, and before she would, I would have to fill out an online form. She became argumentative when I explained to her that I only had a mobile phone with very poor signal, and that these factors combined with my mental illness, would make it an impossible task for me to complete. Eventually, she reluctantly went through the form with me on the phone. Her manner, which was really rushed and combative, meant that was an almost impossible task for me to complete too, and I almost broke down in tears once I got off the phone.
After a long examination, during which the dentist “tapped” on several teeth (both top and bottom, even though I had been clear that it was obvious where the toothache was located) and pressed on and squeeze my face, jaw and neck, she decided that still wasn’t enough to diagnose what was wrong with me, and that an x-ray was required. It was an in chair x-ray. If you have ever had one of these, you will already be aware of how unpleasant they are. For those of you who haven’t; they jam this flat, rectangle plastic thing into your mouth, it is huge and sharp, then they make you close your teeth together, even though thats in the way. It feels like it’s cutting into your gums. It probably is. I was already in agony, so this was so overwhelmingly awful, that I felt as though I was going to pass out from the pain. Instead, I cried the entire time she was taking the x-ray.
Afterwards, she tutted as she inspected the x-ray, before pointing out I hadn’t kept my teeth still enough.
Finally, she concluded, as though I hadn’t known all along what was wrong with me, that I had an infection in my coronectomied wisdom tooth; but that my eye was a separate issue I should see my GP over, even though I had already told her I had an appointment for a phone consultation about it, in case they phoned me while I was there.
She prescribed me five days worth of antibiotics.
I thanked her and left.
Friday, the 29th of February 2021
On the Friday morning, which was my last day on antibiotics, I felt no better. As far as I am aware, if you stop taking, or run out of antibiotics, before they take away your infection, you have to start the course all over again. As the next day was a Saturday, meaning the dentist would be closed, this worried me. It seemed to me that the infection wasn’t going to be gone by tomorrow, so I had no choice but to call them.
I explained my concerns to the receptionist, and asked for two more days of antibiotics, just in case. I told her if I woke up the next day and it felt better, I wouldn’t use them.
Her response was that she didn’t think that the dentist would prescribe me more antibiotics until I finish the course I was on at the minute, and that I would probably need to come back in on Monday to see her if I still felt the same then. Again, she said she needed to confirm this with the dentist.
She called me back about ten minutes later, to tell me that I could come back in and pick up another prescription (like I had asked for more than that amount), “because a course of antibiotics should be seven days anyway.”
She said this last bit in a tone that suggested I had incorrectly prescribe myself the wrong amount of antibiotics. I didn’t ask ask her why I had only been prescribed five days if it should’ve been seven. I didn’t want an argument. I needed help. She continue, that if I was still “saying” I was in pain on Monday, then dentist wouldn’t be prescribing me any more antibiotics without seeing me.
Monday, the 1st of February 2021
By Monday, I no longer had a sore throat, or earache. However, although the pain in my gum, head and eye had greatly reduced, it was still bad.
When I phoned the dentist (which was much later than I meant to, because of my ongoing issues with my neighbours) I kept it brief. I told them that I had been in last Monday, and the dentist had put me on antibiotics, but I still felt awful.
I left her plenty of space to just helpfully tell me what I needed to do. Instead, the receptionist chose to rant on at me for a good few minutes, about how I had been told I wasn’t getting any more medication without seeing the dentist, before booking me in.
As soon as I arrived, the dentist lead me to the back room to get an x-ray on the machine that spins around your head. This x-ray was still awful, because it’s still not a pleasant machine, and I was still in pain, but it’s not as unpleasant as the sharp plastic rectangle, and the pain wasn’t as bad as it had been the week prior.
In her opinion the infection had cleared up. The problem now was that the remainder of the wisdom tooth had been, and still was, moving. She showed me the x-ray. The remainder of the tooth, which had been deep within the gum after the coronectomy, was now just below the surface of my gum. It needed extracting. It was no longer a full tooth with smooth edges, it was literally a jagged stump. This meant that I was going to remain in terrible pain, as well as be at risk of future infections, if it continued to move, she warned me.
She referred me back to the dental hospital, and advised me that the dental hospital were randomly rejecting referrals because of Covid, so to phone them back in a couple of weeks if I hadn’t received a referral acknowledgement letter from the dental hospital.
Part Seven- To The Merseyside Police
Hi, I dont want to speak to anybody from the police over the telephone as previously stated. I have just logged back in and half the files dont open the other are all written transcripts heavily redacted. I am heavily medicated at the moment and so I might be wrong on what I asked for but this doesnt seem to be what I wanted do you still have my subject access request form there. I wanted audio of the calls I made all the calls from my mobile number and all the calls if possible that I am the subject of and the body cam footage from that night. Can I get this by post. As stated in the transcripts I have been seeking legal advice on this matter and will be taking it as far as I can through the iopc the legal system and even through parliament if I have to which is why I want audio and video and I need it on a permanent medium. I have video of that night which actually shows that some of what is reported about me in the underacted parts is a lie such as I slammed the door in the polices face. They were done they were leaving they could no longer even be bothered to discuss the situation with me and were telling me to deal with it in the morning so I shut the door. My concerns are very valid and evident and honestly I think what needs to be done is that police need to no longer be allowed to deal with well fare checks. I think the police know that my concerns are valid too and thats why I am not getting what I asked for so if its not going to be provided id like a new subject access request form sending out as well as an official complaints form.
Part Thirteen- To The Merseyside Police
(I have redacted information both at the beginning and end of this email which includes the personal details and contact details of the emails sender)
The sender of this email is the same person as the sender of the emails in part one, part three, part four part six, part nine and part eleven.
Since we last spoke I have conducted a number of enquiries and received responses from officers involved. I have drafted my findings which will be reviewed by my supervisor. You will receive my findings in writing in due course.
The guide schedule
Day 36 = 20 minutes
Day 37 = 40 minutes
Day 38 = 20 minutes or rest
Day 39 = 40 minutes
Day 40= rest
Day 41= 55 minutes
Day 42 = rest
Total time = 2 hours 55 minutes
My schedule
Day 36 = 4 laps = 1 hour 40 minutes = 6.68 miles
Day 37 = 4 laps = 1 hour 40 minutes = 6.68 miles
Day 38 = rest
Day 39 = 4 laps = 1 hour 40 minutes = 6.68 miles
Day 40 = rest
Day 41 = 4 laps = 1 hour 40 minutes = 6.68 miles
Day 42 = rest
total laps = 16
total time = 9 hours 20 minutes
total miles = 26.72
Phase 1: Walking
Week six
Day 36: Wednesday
Today my depression is extremely bad, and I can’t stop crying. My anti depressants usually stop me from crying even when I feel like I want to, so just the fact that I am crying shows how awfully unwell I am. This means that I can’t wear my mask when I go for my walk, as it will be wet and snotty almost as soon as I put it on. Though I cry the entire four laps, my walk is much easier because I am not wearing a mask. I am severely asthmatic, so the mask restricts my already laboured breathing, but it also holds the smell of cigarette smoke if I pass somebody who is smoking, which causes my shortness of breath to get worse, not only for the duration of the walk, but also for the rest of the day, and sometimes for several following days.
Day 37: Thursday
When I wake up on Thursday, I am blissfully unaware, that an unknown event today will cause me to be in quite bad pain for the for seeable future.
Whether it is; kicking the ladder that now lives in my hallway; tripping over a brick in the street, as I try to Dodge two adults who are joy riding electric scooters erratically, as they come speeding around a corner that I am about to go around; or an unknown event, that I don’t even notice as it happens; by the time I get home from my walk, the middle toe on my left foot will hurt. Eventually the pain will spread to the toe to its left, and finally to the little toe.
I completed four laps.
Day 38: Friday
Friday is a rest day.
Day 39: Saturday
My walk today aggravates both my injured toe, and knee, which begins popping painfully again.
I complete four laps.
Day 40: Sunday
Sunday is a rest day.
Day 41: Monday
When I wake up, I am somehow, already balls deep in a weird episode. During the night my brain has convinced itself that I am obese.
I berate myself, for not weighing myself, at the beginning of the seven weeks, as though it was a purposeful decision, and not the result of the majority of my possessions being sealed in two to three dozen cardboard moving boxes.
It’s been a couple of years since I last weighed myself, when I was almost ten stone, which was the heaviest I have ever been. I am much fatter now, so I guess I must weigh about twelve to fourteen stone.
Erratically, I grab a pair of paper scissors and begin hacking into the nearest box. I am prepared to open and unpack every box in my flat to find those scales.
Luckily, they are not only in the first box, they are on top of everything else inside it. Turning my scissors to the bubble wrap that protects them, I hack that open and scoop them out frantically. Setting them down, I adjust the dial and climb on eagerly, watching as the dial swings to around the eight an a half stone mark.
It stops there, which is impossible.
I get off, check the floor is level and solid, readjust the dial, and step back on, repeating this process over and over, only to get the same result.
Reluctantly, I accept that the scales are correct.
A terrifying few minutes follow, where I wonder whether I have body image problems, before I remembered that none of my close fit me anymore, meaning I can’t have body image problems.
Relieved, I decide that I need to investigate.
Grabbing my phone, I search the Internet for a BMI calculator, unable to find the ones that I have used in the past, I am forced to use a new one that I don’t fully trust. It tells me I have a healthy BMI, so I consult another and another, but they all confirm the first result.
This is insane.
How am I fatter but lighter?
Desperate, I ask Google, “How have I lost weight when I am clearly fatter?”
Google suggest I have lost water weight, and muscle mass, and gained fat. That answer makes sense, but it is terribly distressing. Determined to lose fat and gain muscle, I hurry to the shower to get ready for my walk.
During the third lap of my walk, I trip over the same brick as I did earlier in the week. I’m about to turn the corner, when I woman and girl come speeding around it on bikes, looking behind them as they do. As I jump out of their way, my foot catches the brick and I begin to fall face first towards the pavement. Instead I am close enough to the wall that I hit that. I am extremely shocked, upset, and full of adrenaline, and I was still in the group of the same episode before this happened.
Although I don’t realise it at the time, reality has become slightly warped. Everything is moving in slow motion, and the world is completely silent.
As I come around the corner, I’m just in time to witness two large cars collided head on. As the front of the cars meet, they appear to crumple like paper. I don’t react emotionally to what I am witnessing. Rather, I wonder how the drivers didn’t realise that they were about to collide. The largest vehicle, which a man gets out of, was turning in the wrong direction, while in the wrong lane, into oncoming traffic on a busy dual carriageway. The other car, which a woman gets out of, was turning into the residential road he was exiting. As I passed the cars, I see nobody else was in them. The pair are both inspecting the damage.
It is a good five minutes before the world around me feels like it has returned to normal, and I start to notice that everything has been silent and slow. It’s only then that my brain whispers, “That was bizarre and awful. Somebody could’ve been killed,”
“Shit that was terrible,” I agree.
Then I do what I always do to try to make sense of the world, I tweet about it.
I am still not thinking straight, as I don’t call it a day and go home to calm down, I start my final lap.
This is a massive mistake, because shit is about to go from terrible to traumatic.
There is this teenage couple, that I always encounter on my walks, that really piss me off. They are usually with other teenage boys, all of them on bikes, however today they are alone. He is always on the seat of the bike pedalling, and she’s always sat awkwardly on his handlebars. Every time I encounter them, I think about how they are an accident waiting to happen. Today is almost that day.
Ahead, an older man, whose car is parked half on the pavement and half on the road, is doing something at the open boot of his car. A younger man, who is obviously with him, is standing just inside an open garden gate. As the bike goes to pass the open gate, a female toddler runs out of the garden directly in front of the bike, in a blur of blonde hair and pink clothes. I have no idea how the bike doesn’t hit her, but thankfully it doesn’t.
I feel very physically, mentally and emotionally unwell afterwards, but the teenagers just carry on like nothing has happened.
When I reach the scene of the car crash again, things get even worse. There are two police cars and four police officers at the scene now, and their presence stresses me out so badly my body begins to experience seizure symptoms.
I want to hurry passed, but it is impossible for two reasons.
The first, is that the cars have been moved apart, and are now not only blocking the entire width of the road ahead, but there are also part of the cars all over the road. Second, there is an idiot in a car determined to still make it onto the main road this way. I walk halfway up the residential road and cross. As I look back, a police man is directing said idiot to turn back around and drive in the opposite direction. However, this is now impossible, as two more drivers have decided to try to get around him, causing a jam I am not sure any of them can now get out of safely.
If you haven’t read my last two autobiographical Sunday blog posts, I would recommend that you read those before you read this one. They are all separate stories, but they are all connected and posted in chronological order. This is the last of the three stories.
These three stories will be followed by three journal entries about my problems dealing with the NHS, as an NHS dental patient. The first of which will be posted next week.
Part Six- From The Merseyside Police
These emails are sent by several different people
To access your information, please click on the link below: …
Part Twelve- To The Merseyside Police
Hi, I am looking for an update on what is going on with my complaint as the last time I heard from you was two weeks ago and you said you had contacted the officers involved and were waiting for a response.Can i also ask how much body cam footage you have as what I have been sent is less than the amount of time I was told by the officer I was being filmed and I am wondering why this is?Also what I have as short as it is shows an inappropriate sarcastic attitude from the officer filming me who was the one who can be heard enjoying himself and taunting me in the video is sarcasm professional behaviour during a welfare check? Because to me it shows that he was not behaving with compassion or my safety in mind.
The guides schedule
Date 29: 20 minutes
Day 30: 40 minutes
Day 31: 20 minutes or rest day
Day 32: 40 minutes
Day 33: rest day
Day 34: 50 minutes
Day 35: rest day
Total = 2 hours 50 minutes
My schedule
Day 29: 3 laps = 1 hour 15 minutes = 4.86 miles
Day 30: 4 laps = 1 hour 40 minutes =6.68 miles
Day 31: rest day
Day 32: 4 laps= 1 hour 40 minutes =6.68 miles
Day 33: rest day
Day 34: Laps = 1 hour 40 minutes = 6.68miles
Day 35: rest day
Total laps = 14
Total time = 5 hours 15 minutes
Total mile = 23.016 miles
Phase one: Walking
Week Five
Day 29: Wednesday
Today I wake up much later than usual, this is a bigger problem for my exercise routine than it would be if I had woken up late on any other day of the week, because Wednesdays I have an online, evening, english language lesson. If my lesson wasn’t online I wouldn’t be able to fit my walk in at all, but as it is online, I do still have enough time to fit in four laps, it just means that I will be cutting it very close.
However, when I am about five minutes from home on my third lap, my mum phones me to tell me that a hospital appointment letter has arrived for me at her house. My medical post currently goes to her address, as I am not planning on living at my flat for ant longer than I have no choice to, and do not want to risk missing any medical appointments when the time comes to move. I have not made any notes as to what appointment this letter was for, and as I have so much going on with both my physical and mental health right now, I couldn’t even begin to guess.
There is a problem with the appointment, which again I have no memory or notes as to what the problem was, but I feel confident guessing that it would have been too early for me to realistically make. Because I am outside and on a call, I have no way to make a note of any of the information, so I rush home, cutting my walk short.
When I get home its about four fifty two in the afternoon, and the hospital closes at five o’clock. Frantically, I try to call my mum to get the details, but my phone signal is so bad that I don’t manage to connect to her until after five o’clock.
Frustrated that I have cut my walk short for nothing, but now not confident that I can fit in another lap, I accepted that on the first day of the week I already missed my goal of completing four laps on all four exercise days this week.
Day 30: Thursday
My walk today is uneventful, which means it’s the best I could hope for. By the end of lap three, I am tired, which is something thats hasn’t happened for a while; I am also desperate for a wee, so I rush back into my flat to use the toilet. Because I am tired, I really don’t want to go back out, but I force myself to. After all if I am going to allow myself to come back inside for toilet, water, or medication breaks then I need to stop giving in to my urges to stay inside when I do.
Day 31: Friday
Friday is a rest day.
I complain about it all the same things
• The amount of housework
• English work
• And blog work I have to do
And how
• My walk is eating up all my productive time
• And everything is so much harder to do while depressed
also
• About how my notes are a disgrace
• And how I am not improving my journal or note keeping skills
I plan once again to change my Saturday to a rest day, and Sunday to an exercise day, in the hopes of catching up on some of these tasks.
Day 32: Saturday
Unintentionally, I somehow managed to waste my early afternoon productive time, I don’t make a note as to how. Due to this I decide to go on my walk today, so that I have tomorrow free. On my fourth lap, I face a similar situation to the one I faced with the electric scooters.
As I am walking on a very narrow pavements, three teenagers on bikes, taking up the entire width of the pavement, come speeding towards me, and narrowly missed hitting me.
Day 33: Sunday
My Sunday rest day plans of catching up on everything that I need to do are ruined, by my neighbour upstairs.
As he and my next door neighbours have already ruined my sleeping pattern, I’m just starting to drift off to sleep at maybe two in the morning, when my upstairs neighbour comes home and puts his music on very loud. This not only keeps me awake, but causes me great distress, and makes me feel as though I am on the edge of both a manic and psychotic episode.
Even when he turns it off at about eight o’clock in the morning, I’m still agitated and distressed.
Sometime after ten o’clock, because of my antipsychotics, I collapse and pass out. Not fall to sleep, actually collapse and pass out. Luckily, I don’t feel very well beforehand, so I managed to make it to my “bed,” just as my body turns to jelly.
At three o’clock in the afternoon, he wakes me up again, with his very loud music.
Day 34: Monday
On Monday I am obviously not well. This is due to what happened with my upstairs neighbour over the weekend.
my notes show this as they are very distressed and less coherent than they usually are.
I write that I had thought, that I had lost a little bit of weight last week, but due to the extreme few binge eating sessions on Sunday, I’ve put more weight on than I lost.
It says that I hurt my leg, but it doesn’t say how, and because of how unwell I was, I don’t remember how.
Then I write that I was almost hit by two bikes and add, “three scumbags on scooters,” without any context.
Yet, I think I actually do know what this is referring to. There was an incident that I do recall, but I don’t recall the actual day it took place, which would make sense if it happened while I was so unwell. I was walking on the same path where the teenagers on bikes almost hit me, when three grown men on electric scooters, who were taking up the entire narrow path, came speeding towards me. They moved over as if they were about to let me past them, but as I got closer to them, they stopped and one of them moved to block my way. My music was on so I didn’t hear what they were saying, but I could hear loud aggressive partial words, as their mouths moved and they stared at me, which led me to believe they were heckling me. The one blocking my way, reached for me as though he was going to grab me, as I passed him. I managed to dodge him, and was so shaken and not feeling well, that I just kept walking as I was close to a corner. I was on the start of my third lap when this happened. Although I wanted to go straight home, I would have had no choice but to pass them again to do that, so I finish the lap and cut my walk short.
Next to this note I have written, three laps, which makes me think I am correct that this was the incident.
Part Five- From The Merseyside Police
These emails are sent by several different people
I have tried to contact you on the mobile number provided but there was no answer.
Before we try any other options, I will resend your response via egress, once you receive my email please contact me on (I have redacted the telephone number provided.) and we can walk through the process together.
Phase 1: Walking
Week Four
Day 22: Wednesday
Since changing the time of day that I go for my walk, I have been getting a little bit more writing done, however it is nowhere near the amount of writing that I was previously completing. All of it is being worked on pre-walk. Although every time I go for my walk, I do so with the strong intention of doing more writing when I get home, I never do.
Today, I go for my walk straight after breakfast, because my new time clashes with my English language lesson. Although I know that when I start running this won’t be a possibility, so I will have to somehow find a way to change Wednesday to a rest day, it’s not something I have time to do yet, as I have too much housework, English work and blog work to catch up on right now. All while being extremely depressed. At this point, as long as I am going for my walks, I’m succeeding in my exercise goals.
I complete three laps.
Day 23: Thursday
When I wake up on Thursday, I am pleased to find that my sore heel is feeling much better. The pain has been reducing for the last few days, and my boots aren’t rubbing as much.
The day goes quickly downhill from there.
As I am climbing over the edge of the bath, to get out of the shower, I smash my knee down onto the top of the sink. The jolt of pain that I initially feel, as my knee connects with the sink, is the type that sends hot fury through your veins. Instead of the pain fading it begins to increase, due to the fact that it is the knee I injured last year during my street seizure. Immediately, a red lump begins to rise just below the joint. My I anger towards my own clumsy stupidity rises with it. I spend the next few minutes debating whether I am still going to be able to go for my walk, before deciding I will use my current rage to fuel it.
Surprisingly, the pain dulls a considerable amount once I start walking. As a result I begin to wonder if I have over estimated the level of damage I have done to the knee. For the first time I even managed to complete four laps of my route, yet as soon as I get home and sit down, the pain quickly increases until it matches how it felt before I left the flat.
Day 24: Friday
Friday is a rest day.
Day 25: Saturday
By Saturday the lump has vanished, and a bruise has taken its place. It’s only slightly sore now, however the bang has exacerbated the sickening popping I get in the joint due my previous injury. Despite this, I do three laps easily. My biggest struggle lately is fighting the urge to go for runs instead of walks. I don’t know whether starting to run prematurely will have a negative impact on my progress. I tell myself the more walking I get done during the seven weeks, the easier it will be to start running again when the time comes to do so, but I don’t believe it.
Day 26: Sunday
Sunday is a rest day.
Day 27: Monday
Monday is a disaster.
Luckily, I decide to sort my medication for the next seven days out before I go for my walk, as I discover that I don’t have enough to make it through to the end of the week. My estimation tells me, that I needed to put in a prescription request at my doctors on Friday, but I never. It’s already late in the day, so I don’t have much time left to get myself ready and to the doctors. As I am getting ready, I discovered that I also need to go to the supermarket.
The temptation to break my week one rule of not counting errand time in my walk is overwhelming. I could take a detour to the doctors during my first lap, then go to the supermarket once I’m done. I try to reason with myself that I could do the same if I was running. How I managed to be strong enough to see through my own bullshit is a mystery to me, but I do. Prioritising, I head to the doctors first, then go straight to the supermarket. Afterwards, I set out on my walk. It’s dark when I do, which makes me uneasy. Regardless, I force myself to do four laps, because this is my last chance to achieve the goals that I set myself for week four to do four laps twice. There have been far too many occasions during every walk, where a bike or electric scooter has almost hit me to mention, or count. Tonight though I have an encounter with a group of adult men on electric scooters that leaves me shaken.
I am walking along the pavement next to a busy dual carriageway, when a group of adult men come speeding towards me on electric scooters. There’s at least six of them, and they are taking up the entire width of the pavement. I’m positioned as far away from the road as I could be, next to the fences. The men see me and not only do they make no attempt at moving over to accommodate me being on the pavement too, they show me they have no intention of doing so by ringing bells that sound like bike bells and shouting aggressively at me to get out of their way, which is impossible. Firstly, they are speeding towards me, so I wouldn’t have time to make it across them and onto the road; they would hit me. Secondly, if I did manage to get off the pavement and into the road I would most certainly be hit by a car, as the duel carriageway, which has a high speed limit, is busy. I freeze, not knowing what to do, fully expecting to be mowed down by this group of adult men. Reluctantly, a couple of them swerve at the very last minute. They come so close to me that the men’s clothes brush me as they fly by.
Day 28: Tuesday
Tuesday is a rest day.
When I try to get my notes out of the plastic wallet to start writing my week three journal entry, I drop my guide book. It falls open to the first page, which is a warning to see your GP before you start using it. It includes a checklist that says if you tick even just one box, you must see your GP before beginning. I have no idea how I miss this list, if I did miss it, or whether I saw it and forgot about it, but I’m fairly certain that’s not the case as I tick several of the boxes, which makes me believe would have caused me to remember it.
The first thing I do is make a more user friendly version of the list, as I find it difficult to understand. Then I type it up, and set it to publish at the same time as my unwritten week three journal entry.
Even if I wanted or thought that I needed to see my GP over the boxes I ticked, I don’t feel like I could without being shouted at by the doctor for wasting their time, due to my recent experiences with my GP. This isn’t even taking into consideration that it is physically impossible for me to get up and make an appointment, and if by some miracle I did, the receptionist would turn me away.
The guides schedule
Day 22 = 20 minutes
Day 23 = 35 minutes
Day 24 = 15 minutes or rest day
Day 25 =35 minutes
Day 26 = rest day
Day 27 = 45 minutes
28 = rest day
Total = 2 hours and 30 minutes
My schedule
Day 22 = 3 laps = 1 hour and 15 minutes = 4.86 miles
Day 23 = 4 laps = 1 hour and 40 minutes = 6.648 miles
Day 24 = rest day
25 = 3 laps = 1 hour and 15 minutes = 4.86 miles
Day 26 = rest day
Day 27 = 4 laps = 1 hour and 15 minutes = 6.648 miles
Day 28 = rest day
Total time = 5 hours of 15 minutes
Total lapse = 14
Total distance = 23.268 miles
As you know; I am currently going through a period of reflection, after what I believe was some type of manic episode; as well as simultaneously trying to sort through the chaos I created during this episode; while completing the dozens of blog posts I started to write, before moving onto the bigger writing projects that I began to plan.
It has taken me over a week to complete the first task that I chose to concentrate on, which was starting an online running journal.
While I was completing this task, I had a lot of time to consider what I was going to tackle next. I’ve chosen to reflect on my ongoing health issues.
There are so many reasons for this, which I will discuss as, and when I encounter them.
I don’t know why I chose to begin with my dental problems, but it seems like fate that I did, because this week has been dominated by these problems
My plan initially was to write three very short autobiographical stories and two journal entries, then release them all together.
However, I have encountered several issues with this:
1. The events of Tuesday have taken a much bigger toll on my already fragile mental health than I first realised they had.
2. My current low mood means that I am struggling to motivate myself to start writing, and when I do manage to pick up my pen what I want to say and why I want to say it isn’t coming easily for me. Then I am having a hard time concentrating on, and persevering with, writing.
3. Although each of the three stories aren’t as long as my usual blog posts, they are actually full stories, and together will be much longer than what I usually post. Trying to write them all together it is likely going to result in me running out of time, therefore causing strange breaks in the stories, and will definitely lead to the already low quality of my writing being compromised further.
4. I’ve really struggled with reliving the events of the first story which I didn’t expect as it happened over twenty years ago, and what I personally remember is very little. I admit that I do not understand how other people experience emotions, or why, so I don’t know whether it’s going to be a difficult read for other people. Though I doubt that it will, I have decided not to pile heavy stories on top of each other. Hopefully this will give us all some time to recover in between each story.
My new plan is to release each short autobiographical story over the next three weeks, one story at a time. Beyond deciding that this series of posts will be published in chronological order, meaning the journal entries will be released last, I haven’t decided exactly when, or how, the journal entries will be released. I will update you as soon as I know.
Part Four- To The Merseyside Police
Merseyside police responded to my previous email by sending another link.
Hi, all I have received is a covering letter and nothing that I asked for, can it please just be sent out by post, that wasn’t an option on the form, only coming into a police station which I cant do and email which obviously seems to be incorrectly described on the form as, I expected it would just be sent by normal email. I am not well and this is very stressful. I have a legal entitlement to this information and I feel like you are trying to get out of providing it to me for some reason,.
Part Ten- To The Merseyside Police
None of this email is missing I had just reached the point where I was fed up of messaging about it.
and when they respond that they were doing it for my own good again and that i have no legal rights do i have a way to progress this further with the ipoc or any other police bodies or is that when i start legal proceedings for discrimination because i have the polices attitude in my heavily redacted documents which is that you as an agency dont see how its a complaint which sounds more to me like you as an agency dont actually care and that was during a call where i expressed my concerns that putting a saw through the door of a woman you apparently genuinely think is suicidal is a stupid and in appropriate thing to do he told me that doors solid im not im made of meat if that saw came through the door and i was on the other side of it do you think my mother would have thanked you for how you conducted the well fare check she called in they ask me in the video whod be liable if i hung myself whose going to be liable when they put that saw through someones door and saw them in half?
Part Nine- From The College
Hope this email finds you well.
I am just going to progress you through to the GCSE course.
So you should receive an email over the next few days with further instructions.
Thanks,
The guide advises getting checked by GP before you start, especially if you:
• Have any injuries
• Bone or joint problems
• A family history of heart attacks
• A heart condition
• If you have had chest pains when not doing physical activity during the last month
• If you have ever had or get pain in your chest when doing physical activity
• If you have diabetes
• If you have a chronic illness
• If you know of any reason that you shouldn’t do physical activity
• If you lose your balance because of dizziness
• If you ever lose consciousness
• If your doctor is currently prescribing you medication for blood pressure
• If doctor is currently prescribing you medication for a heart condition
• If you’re over 40 years old
• If you have a BMI of over 35
• Walk for 45 minutes, 3 -5 times a week.
• As at a pace of 3.5 -4.5 mph.
(13 to 17 minutes per mile.)
If you can’t walk this fast, increase the distance that you walk instead.
On Friday of week three, it occurred to me that some people reading this:
1. Might be struggling.
2. Might not want to run but just keep walking.
For these reasons, I am including two additional bite-size post today:
The first is advice on walking for beginners.
The second is walking advice for intermediate walkers.
These two additions come from my independent research, as do my following tips:
1. Work out the actual distance you are walking
I did this by using the Google Maps app.
This is how I did this:
• Download the Google Maps app if you don’t already have it, then open the app.
• Type in the postcode of the street or place your walk begins, and drop a pin in the location you start.
• The address will appear at the bottom of your screen. Click on the address and choose the measure distance option.
• It will then allow you to add a series of points along your chosen route.
• Once you complete the circuit you walk, the distance will be visible in the bottom left-hand corner.
• If you have completed several laps, use a calculator to multiply (times) the single lap distance by the amount of laps that you completed.
2. Stay within a weekly distance increase of 10%
When increasing how far you walk, do it on a weekly basis, and never by more than 10% of the total distance you walked the previous week.
To work out your new weekly target, add together the individual distances you walked each day this week on a calculator. Divide the total distance by 100, then multiply (times) the result by 110. That is your new weekly target.
Phase 1: Walking
Week: Three
Day 15: Wednesday
Predictably, when I wake up on Wednesday, I don’t want to go for my walk. My reasons for this are the same as they were in week one and two.
• I don’t want to go outside.
• I hate walking.
• All my productive time is been eaten up by my walk.
• My heel, which is now severely cut hurts; I feel as though it is never going to repair.
⁃ Because of my injured heel, I put on two pairs of socks. Both are supposed to be warm socks; only one pair is, and this pair is very thick. The decision to put two pairs of socks on, especially thick ones, it’s a massive mistake. My hope had been that they would act as a sort of padded barrier between my feet and boots, therefore protecting my poor sore feet from further damage, as well as making it more comfortable to walk. They do the opposite. My boots are so tight that they rub worse than they previously did. Despite this, I complete three laps of my route, fairly easily.
While I am walking, I realise that when I finally get a new place to live, I will need to find a new route. This realisation is discouraging.
Day 16: Thursday
Almost as soon as I start walking today (after I am out of the dog park to be precise) the urge to pee hits me. Admittedly, I am like a child in the sense that when the urge to pee hits me, it hits me suddenly and urgently. If I go back to my flat so soon, I know I won’t want to leave again. It’s a risky decision, but I decided that I’m going to continue on and go back inside once I reach my flat at the end of my first lap.
I have come to the conclusion that several laps of a shorter circuit is much better for me than a single lap of a long circuit .
Here are my reasons why:
1. As a 34-year-old sober woman, I am not going to squat in the street and Pee, neither do I want to wet myself or cut my exercise short because nature calls.
2. Potentially, when I am running again, the ability to pop back inside for drink of water or medication (I am asthmatic) will be of benefit to me, as I find carrying water and medication while running a massive distraction and Hinderance, and I do need both water and medication regularly during exercise.
3. If I overestimate how much exercise I am physically capable of doing on any particular day, I have the ability to stop to avoid risking injury.
4. On the flipside, if I feel like I can do a little bit more, it gives me the opportunity to do just a little bit more.
There is also a reason that I think it might be a benefit for other walkers/runners:
In an earlier journal entry, I pointed out what I feel is a flaw in the guides advice. It suggest that you use the seven weeks of walking to plan a safe route to run. Yet, the end target is for you to complete a one hour walk. The problem arises when you noticed the only occasion it tells you to do a one hour walk is on day 48, which is the last day of exercise during phase 1.
Personally, I don’t know how you can plan a safe one hour walking route from only walking for roughly half an hour most days, unless you choose to do several laps of a shorter route. This way you can both build up your walking time gradually, while planning a safe route.
Personally, I’ve also found it much less daunting and encouraging, using a smaller circuit, and due to this have actually been able to do much more exercise in a shorter time period.
When I get home, I write that it is important to create your own rules, as you learn and progress. I don’t elaborate on what I mean by this, so I can only assume I am referring to the shorter route situation. Although, my journal keeping skills are terrible, so it might just be this. Maybe it’s a combination of both.
Day 17: Friday
Friday is a rest day. I take the opportunity to sort through my week two notes and write a journal entry that I will post on my blog, even though I am bored of writing about my walks, and falling behind on my Sunday blog posts.
During this process, I make a list of things that I should pursue:
1. Find or create a running support group.
2. Change the time of day I walk.
3. Flick through the rest of the guidebook.
4. Do my own research.
To my credit I do begin working on these things, but by Saturday I have already completely forgotten about them all.
Note to self: complete the above list.
After doing all this, I make a journal entry for Friday, in which I complain that I really need another rest day the following day. I acknowledge that having two rest days together is something I feel would greatly benefit me, so I circle the days that make up the rest of week three on my calendar and see that it is possible to achieve this. It is if I swap the Saturday and Sunday, meaning Saturday will be a rest day and Sunday will be an exercise day.
Day 18: Saturday
As my plan is to stay in today, I sit down to do some writing straight after breakfast. Around two hours later, when I desperately need a break, I change my mind and decide to go for my walk. My reasons are that not only do I not want to go outside tomorrow, I also can’t trust myself to go tomorrow if I don’t go today. Due to my change of plans, I don’t leave the flat until four in the afternoon. Just like that, I do what I’ve been struggling to do for over a week; I change the time I exercise. Because it is unplanned, I’m not sure if this will be a better time of day for me to go walking, but I tell myself the best way to find out is to try it out for a few days.
My plans to have two rest days together don’t completely die. Later, I write that I am considering giving the idea a try in week four.
On day 19, I complained that I intended to do more writing when I got back home on day 18, but I did not.
Day 19: Sunday
On Sunday, I note that I am glad I went for my walk yesterday instead of leaving it to do today. I don’t want to go for a walk today, as usual, and I believe that even if I hadn’t gone yesterday, I still wouldn’t have gone today. Either, I am incapable of, or just don’t trust myself to, follow plans I made myself. I wonder why this is, but don’t come to a conclusion.
Day 20: Monday
Monday is a terrible day for me. It’s not until I close my flat door, and fish my headphones out of my coat pocket, that I see they are an extremely tangled mess. Seeing that it is going to take me a few minutes to untangle the series of knots, I pause in the communal hall to take care of it. For the roughly two minutes I am standing in the communal hall, a door upstairs opens and closes. Although it sounds like the door is to my left (the flat above the flat I live opposite) I assume that it is actually the door to the flat above my own. This assumption is based on the fact that the man who lives above me avoids coming downstairs when he knows I am around. I’ve never tried to initiate contact with the man who lives above me, so the only reason I can think of for his avoidance of me is that he knows his antisocial behaviour, which is causing me terrible problems, is out of order. Because I believe the man who lives upstairs wants to leave his flat, but wont while I’m around, I leave the building and the communal front yard, and stand in the pathway outside the block of flats that leads to the dog park. As soon as I leave the building, a window in the flat above flat I live opposite, opens. I hear a man’s voice say hello several times, but I ignore it, as I think he’s on his mobile phone trying to get better signal.
After a couple of seconds he shouts, ” ‘Ey girl!”
Being that I’m the only person around, I instinctively look towards the call.
“Have you just rung my intercom?” He asks.
“No,” I answer, then I turn my attention back to my headphones.
“Somebody just rang my intercom,” he lies.
Nobody has just wrong his intercom. I know this for a fact, because the door to our building has been visible to me for the last couple of minutes. By this point I have realised that I was correct in the direction that I initially thought the sound of the door opening and closing was coming from. It was this man opening and closing his door when he heard me leave my flat. It unnerves me, as this man is obviously trying to initiate contact with me for some reason other than the reason he is stating.
I don’t calling him out on being a liar, even though I really want to ask him why he’s lying.
Instead I respond with what I know he already knows. “I live here. I wouldn’t need to ring your intercom, or anybody else’s intercom, to get into the building, because I have a key.”
I show him my keys.
“Someone rang my intercom,” he accuses.
“Well nobody was out here when I came out here.” I tell him confidently and bluntly, despite my growing fear.
Then I walk to where the pathway to the flats meets the pathway to the dog park. I expect him to go back inside, but he doesn’t.
He watches me not only walk away, but started working on the knots again, so I walk through the dog park and don’t stop to finish what I’m doing until I reach to the other side.
I do three laps
I’ve done three laps on all four exercise days this week. That was my ultimate goal, to be able to do three laps, or an hour of walking, every time I went for a walk.
When I get home I set myself a new goal: I increase my walk to four laps twice in week four.
The guides schedule
Day 15 = 20 minutes
D 16 = 30 minutes
Day 17 = 15 minutes or rest
Date 18 =30 minutes
D 19 = rest
Day 20 = 40 minutes
Day 21 = rest
Total = 2hours 15 minutes
My schedule
Day15 = 3 laps = 1 hour 15 minutes = 4.986 miles
Day 16 = 3 laps = 1 hour 15 minutes = 4.986 miles
Day 17 =rest day
Day 18 = 3 laps = 1 hour 15 minutes = 4.986 miles
Day 19 rest day
Day 20 = 3 laps = 1 hour 15 minutes = 4.986 miles
Day 21 = rest day
Total laps =12
Total time = 5 hours
Total distance = 19.944 miles
The 10% rule
Roughly
Week 2= 2-3 laps 4 days a week
Week 2 = 2 -3 laps times 4 days a week
No increase
Within the 10% rule.
My own walking distance measurement guide
1 lap = 1.662 miles
2 laps = 3.3 to 4 miles
3 laps = 4.986 miles
4 laps = 6.648 miles
Rough speed
My speed = 2.4 mph.
Part Three- To The Merseyside police.
Hi, I didn’t receive an email from anyone about this, and I have logged into what you told me to, and it says that I haven’t received anything could you please look into this further for me Thanks
Part Nine -From The Merseyside Police
(I have redacted information both at the beginning and end of this email which includes the personal details and contact details of the emails sender)
The sender of this email is the same person as the sender of the emails in part one, part three, part four and part six.
I can confirm I am in receipt of your complaint. I have contacted the officers who attended at your home address and I have asked for responses from them regarding the action they took and why. Once I have received their responses and reviewed all the evidence, I will then make a decision whether or not the police service was acceptable. You will receive my findings in writing in due course and review rights if required. Any questions or queries please do not hesitate to ask.
Regards
Week two
Today (the day I started working on this blog post) is Friday. Currently I am on day three, of week three, so day 17.
As I haven’t been able to work on a Sunday autobiographical post for two weeks, because of how busy I have been, I want to get this running post finish today.
When I sit down to begin, the first thing I do is spend far too long staring at last weeks Journal entries, wondering how I’m going to decipher and piece them together correctly. They are a jumbled up mess of torn paper, with only a few lines of writing on each, but no day names or numbers. I eventually decided the only option is to try to identify each day one by one, and expand each one as I do.
Immediately I run into a problem that I did not anticipate.
Some entries are completely missing, but other days have multiple entries. Luckily, the method I chose to sort through the papers actually makes this problem easier to tackle. However, it means that multiple drafts for this post are going to be more necessary than usual. This post is going to take me much longer than I wanted it to. It might even take me an extra couple of days.
With this established, I have no idea why, I decided to make my work much harder, by rereading the guide tips for phase 1. I discover that not only have I completely ignored, but also forgotten, half of the tips given for phase 1. It turns out these three tips are actually relevant to my week two experience.
Day 8: Wednesday
1. The first tip is to, “Make the time.”
This tip not only reiterates the advice from last week, that we should use this time to plan a safe route and build routine, but by doing so it contradicts the other advice of, “Sneaking in exercise.”
This makes me believe that we can safely disregard the, “Sneaking in exercise” rule.
It goes on to say that I should figure out the best time of the day to do my exercise, and to do it when it doesn’t feel like it’s jamming up my day. It makes the suggestion that first thing in the morning is the best time of day for most people.
Rereading this makes me wonder if this is where I got the absolutely ridiculous idea that I could jump straight out of bed and embark on my daily walk. Maybe it is a result of the medication that I take for my mental illnesses, but it should’ve been clear to me that after I managed to drag myself out of bed in the morning, I am both starving, desperately craving coffee, and require at least an hour for my brain to begin to wake up and for me to start to be able to gather my thoughts and function. Yet it seems that I was reluctant to accept that exercising first thing was not going to work out for me, as even though I was aware I wouldn’t be able to run straight after eating, I was still going for my walk straight after breakfast. I was doing this even though I had already recognised that the time of day I am going for my exercise, is having a massively negative impact on not only my productivity, but my entire life.
This is because right after breakfast is my most productive time to do writing.
In my Wednesday notes, I not only complain that I don’t want to go outside, but that I am getting no writing or housework done. I even add a list of all things I have to do (two of which, I still haven’t been able to get round to even starting over a week later).
Regardless of my concerns, I force myself to go for my walk straight after breakfast. Later I write that I wanted to go around for a fourth lap, but chose not to because of how much I know I have to do. This is proof that a poorly planned time of day for exercise also impacts your exercise progress.
Day 9: Thursday
2. Tip two is to, “Stick to a plan.”
This tip recommends, that you build up your routine gradually, so that you don’t get injured.
This is not advice that I have stuck to. I’ve jumped right in by trying to do at least an hour every day. However I used to walk a lot in the past, so I feel like this is something I can handle. As well as being aware that a shorter walk length would actually be discouraging to me.
That’s not to say that I am not feeling the strain of the exercise. I am, my legs have been tired and achey since day one.
Today though (Thursday) I write how glad I am that tomorrow is a rest day, especially as my right heel was hurting, and that I need more suitable shoes for walking in.
My right heel hurts because it is cut due to my boobs rubbing against it.
I’ve been wearing my new boots whenever I leave the flat for several reasons:
• My old boots fell apart.
• It’s been snowing.
• I need new socks.
• The communal yard is full of broken glass. Stepping on this glass is unavoidable. It’s has slashed open every pair of wellies that I have owned since moving in. Wellies are thick. I am afraid if I wear pumps or converse the grass will go all the way through my shoes and pierce my feet.
When I get outside I am overwhelmed by dread. My reluctance to go increases. It takes all my willpower to not turn around and go back inside. It’s snowing. I know immediately the snow is real, as it’s so heavy I am already wet, and the freezing air is biting into my flesh and bones.
Though I wanted to do three laps, I only make it around twice. It’s so cold I can’t feel my legs.
Day 10: Friday
On Friday I write very little, probably because it’s a rest day more than anything else, but this is also the day that I finally feel my frantic energy fall. It drags my state of mind down with it, and as a result I spend the majority of the day crying on and off. I write that I need proper rest but that I am unable to settle due to how to distressed thinking about having to go for my the walk next day is making me.
Day 11: Saturday
Where the weather is concerned Saturday is a big improvement on the rest of the week, just because it’s not snowing.
Despite my lack energy and lower mood, as well as my sore heel and tired legs, I set out determined to do an extra lap to make up the lap that I missed on Thursday.
By the end of the third lap, my knees hurt, and I have convinced myself that I need to reassess my plan and goals.
When I get back home and go to write my notes, I realise that I don’t know what day number I am on. Even worse I don’t know what day it actually is. This probably explains why none of my notes have any day names or numbers on them.
I force myself to sit down. Then I write my own sort of calendar style day plan out, and after checking my phone to see what day it is, I used it to work out what day number I am on. After that I pack my calendar, guide and notes into a plastic wallet.
Date 12, 13 and 14 : Sunday, Monday and Tuesday
My notes from these three days are either missing or never existed.
What I know for sure is that Sunday and Tuesday were rest days, and on Monday I completed three laps.
What I think, is that it was during the three days that I decided to and started to blog about my walks.
My reasons for doing this is hopefully to help me keep my journal entries coherent, and to help keep me motivated. Also I wonder if maybe connecting with other runners, or inspiring other people to run, might be mutually beneficial to both me and them.
This brings me to the guides final tip…
3. “Build your own support system.”
This tip encourages me to connect with other runners, be it “In real life or, “Just online,” in order to help me stay motivated and stick to my routine.
Week two
Overview
The guides advice
1. Make the time
2. Stick to a plan
3. Build your own support system
My advice
1. Make the time
2. Stick to a plan
3. Build your own support system
4. Disregard the sneaking exercise rule from week one
5. Take advantage of all three rest days
6. Draw your own calendar and cross each day off
7. Invest in some sensible walking shoes and socks
8. Invest in some warm leg ware
The guides schedule
Day one = 15 minutes
Day 2 = 28 minutes
Day 3 = 15 minutes or rest day
Day 4 = 28 minutes
Day five = rest day
Day six = 38 minutes
Day seven = rest day
Total time: 2 hours and 4 minutes
My schedule
Day 1= 3 laps or 1 hour and 15 minutes
Day 2 = 2 laps or 50 minutes
Day 3 = had a rest day
Day 4 = 3 laps or 1 hour and 15 minutes
Day five rest day
Day six = 2 laps or 1 hour and 15 minutes
Day seven = rest day
Total time :4 hours and 35 minutes
Part Eight- From The college
I will try and get it posted as soon as I can.
I will email you and let you know.
Part Eight- To The Merseyside Police
Hi,
I got an email from a lady on the 14th saying my complaint had been passed back to you to deal with and i’m looking for an update. I’m having some issues with getting the data I requested through my subject access request which I am still perusing however I now have some heavily redacted documents in my possession which states my mother said I had said “I might as well hang myself” no further context other than I have attempted suicide in the past. The response to this by the police seems heavily over dramatic and discriminatory. I apparently I didn’t say I was going to kill myself, or even that I wanted to kill myself. I apparently at worst made a flippant or sarcastic remark (which I didn’t actually make I, never said it) and when I called back and said I was fine and she was being over dramatic it really does seem like you should have realised that my mother was being dramatic. Also why are you allowed to take previous attempts into consideration, especially when before these attempts I had presented myself to several different crisis agencies and been turned away. Should this be allowed to follow me for the rest of my life? can anyone call up at any time and say, ‘Well she’s done it before,’ and you turn up with a saw and saw my door down for my own good? The more I find out the more my initial views about what happened that night are validated. At best this is starting to look like a case of discrimination against me because I have mental illness. It seems that I am correct and I don’t in the eyes of the police have a right to privacy, and that you can turn up while im trying to sleep, while I am out and can’t respond, when im in the shower, or being intimate with a partner, and demand I present myself like an animal in the zoo, because I have a mental illness. I am very very upset about this, and the effect it has had on my health and life, and how I have been treated and am still being treated, by the police since.
Part Two- From The Merseyside Police.
These emails are sent by several different people
My colleague Mr Capper sent the response to you on 10/09/2020 via secure email called egress. I have attached the information for you to create a free account to access the response information.
Kind regards
The responder did send a link in this email however, no link had been previously sent like they claimed it had.
Part Seven- From The College
Sorry for the delay.
Could you send me your address and I will send the paper you you.
Once you have done it, please send me pictures.
Phase one: Walking
Week one overview
The guides advice
For anybody who wants to follow the guides advice these are the tips I was following during week one.
1. Use the seven weeks to build a routine
• And find a safe route.
2. Be flexible.
3. Sneak in exercise
My advice
For anybody who has just read my blog post about week one and sympathises with my struggles, because they are also your struggles, here is my advice from living week one.
1. Use the seven weeks to build a routine
• and to find a safe route
-But know to do this you are going to have to start walking for at least an hour a lot sooner than the guide gives you to get there.
2. Be purposeful with your exercise.
• Actually set aside the time to go like you would if you were going running.
• Only count this time.
3. Be as rigid as possible.
If you can’t follow the guides timetable, use it to plan your own and stick to it as much as possible.
Phase 1: walking
Week one
Day one: Wednesday
1. The guide tells me to use this seven week walking plan:
• to get into an exercise routine
• and find a safe running route.
Since I started trying to run again in November, I already have a running route. I weigh up the safety pros and cons.
Pros:
It’s almost a solid residential Square, so it has no busy roads that I need to cross.
Cons:
• It has a lot of small roads that I need to cross, as well as hundreds of driveways that seem to constantly have the cars pulling in and out of them.
• It’s a pedestrian busy.
• Its small, so several laps might be required.
I decide that it is my best option for a route, so I’ll continue to use it.
As for the starting a routine, I decide that I should probably go for my walk as soon as I wake up, to get it over and done with.
2. One of the tips that the booklet gives me is to, “Be flexible.” This tip advices me that I can change my exercise and rest days as much as I want, or need to.
At first I feel like this is great advice. If I don’t feel like going for a walk today, I can go tomorrow.
That is as far as my thought process gets before I realised, “Be flexible,” is terrible advice, at least for me. If I don’t go today, I won’t go tomorrow, or the next day, and I will as a result will inflexibly never go for a walk.
I allow myself to be flexible only to the extent that, the guide says day one is Monday, however today is my day one, and it is Wednesday.
Other than that I will stick rigidly to the scheduled days to exercise and rest.
3. Another tip it gives me is to ‘Sneak in exercise.”
It follows this with two examples:
• The first being to take fifteen minutes out of your lunch break to walk.
• The second being to walk to the supermarket instead of driving.
It takes me much longer to realise this is terrible advice, for everybody, especially as it seems to directly contradict the advice that; you, I, we, should use this time to build a routine and find a safe route.
I know myself well, and I also never leave my flat, so I know straightaway that if I follow the times in the booklet, for example, walk for fifteen minutes, I’m not going to go, as the time it will take me to get ready is longer than that.
I promised myself I will go for at least an hour every time I go.
Due to this advice, I count the time that I am out at the doctors, and a supermarket, which is over an hour. To my credit, even though I didn’t have long until my lesson, and wanted to eat before hand, I still do two laps of my route, which takes me fifty minutes.
Day two: Thursday
When I wake up late after a terrible nights sleep (as usual) I can’t get out of bed. It’s nothing to do with the poor nights sleep I’ve had, and everything to do with the fact that I don’t want to go outside.
In the end, I tell myself I don’t have to go, and I managed to coax myself out of bed for breakfast and coffee.
It’s while I’m drinking my coffee that I realise I need to entirely disregard tip two if I am going to succeed in my goals, and I am both shocked and impressed by how valid and solid my reasons for this seem to be. After all my goal isn’t to be able to sprint to the supermarket and back like I am taking part in some sort of deranged relay race; it’s to get back into going for long runs, in order to get back to a body that I feel comfortable in. My problem is that I can’t force myself to go outside. If this is going to work, I’m going to have to start as I mean to go on.
With the decision made that I will treat my walks like runs and only count my route laps as my exercise, I alter my walk time from yesterday to fifty minutes, not only my mind, but on paper. Like that I’ve decided to keep a journal of how I am doing. After finishing my coffee I get ready and go for my walk. This time I complete three laps, which takes me an hour and fifteen minutes.
During my first lap, I get cold about doing a second, and the third I was aiming for. This is brought on by a group of workmen, doing roadworks. None of them seem to notice me, but I’m afraid that they will if I walk round again. Despite my anxiety I force myself around again.
When I pass the worksite the second time they have already gone. I never see them again, even though the worksite is still there until day fifteen.
Day three: Friday
The booklet tells me that I can either go for a walk or have a rest day today, obviously I choose to have a rest day.
Day four: Saturday
Regardless of the fact that I wake up in an absolutely foul mood, I again force myself to get ready and go for my walk. I only manage to do two laps. Forgetting I promised myself that I would walk for at least an hour, I reassure myself that the fifty minutes is more than enough, because the guide told me that only need to do twenty five today.
When I get home, my stress, agitation and energy levels are much higher than they were before I went.
Due to this I’m still awake at 6 am.
After I eventually manage to get a couple of hours of sleep, I wake up physically pained by the thought of going outside tomorrow, and I’m grateful that today is a rest day. I make a note that my binge eating has actually gotten worse since I started walking.
Day six: Monday
This is when my journal starts to become a nightmare mess. For some reason I decide to write each day on a separate piece of paper from this point onwards, but I don’t write any day names, or numbers on them.
On Monday I have a doctor’s appointment, pay some bills and go to the supermarket.
Due to my doctor’s appointment being at 4:30 I don’t get around to going for my walk until after five.
The walk doesn’t go well. Not only am I sore from my predictably unsuccessful doctor’s appointment, I’m cold because it’s snowing, and my mental state is so bad that when the snow first starts I’m unsure if it’s real or whether I’m hallucinating again.
It takes me fifty seven minutes just to do two laps. Sore, cold and distressed, I rush home.
Later, I write how disappointed I am that I’m not improving, and promise myself I will try harder in week two.
Day seven: Sunday
Sunday is a rest day and although I am glad, I am too physically and mentally distressed to do any of the housework or blog writing I am behind on.
Running
Part 3: 2021
In January and February this year, so very recently as we are still in February as I write this, and likely will be when I post it, I was struggling with some sort of manic, paranoid episode. One of my symptoms was that I had tons of this uncomfortable, frantic energy, which meant that I couldn’t sit still, so even though I was struggling to go outside, I was determined to get back into running.
As well as being a binge eater, I have a problem with spending money. Having gone to the supermarket to buy food, I somehow ended up in the magazine section, drawn their by an odd impulsive urge to buy, among other magazines, a health magazine. That is when, and how, I saw it. It felt like a sign from the universe. The February, UK issue, of running world, which included a how to start running guide.
Wondering what exactly I was doing wrong, and feeling like the universe had brought us together, I bought it.
It lay on my coffee table, in it’s untouched plastic wrapper, for a couple of weeks. When I finally opened it and began reading the guide, I was immediately put off by the seven week walking plan. I threw it back on the table, and it stayed there again until two weeks ago.
I had an English lesson that Wednesday at six in the evening, so although I needed to get dressed, I wasn’t planning to leave the flat that day. After breakfast, I realised I had been so out of it on my night meds when I woke up, that I hadn’t taken my morning meds. That’s when I discovered I had forgotten to put a prescription in on the Monday, and if I didn’t do it that day, I would run out of meds before my prescription was ready.
As I struggle to get myself washed and dressed, my podgy belly and meat sacks kept getting in my way, and I became distraught after catching my reflection in the mirror.
That is what spurred me to start the seven week walking plan that very same day. A couple of days later, I decided that it might be a good idea to start keeping a running journal.
It should come as no surprise to anybody that I am struggling to keep up the walking, and that my journal is an incoherent, mixed up mess. For these reasons, I have decided to use my blog to help me write my journal, and hopefully also to keep me motivated. Maybe it will even help to inspire and motivate others.
With all this now said, I am both excited and stressed out to announce, that I will be adding a Friday blog post to my schedule, that is a weekly running journal entry.
Hopefully you will not only read it, but come on this journey with me.
Running
Part two: 2018 to 2020
In the July or August of 2018, I lost my job, which meant that I could no longer afford to go to either the MMA gym, or the ordinary gym, so despite how much I loved it I was forced to stop running.
If you’re wondering why I didn’t just start running outside, the answer is that I find being outside really stressful, and seeing as the entire reason I enjoyed running was because it helped to calm my mind a little bit, this would’ve been anti productive.
The main reason that I hate being outside is people.
Firstly, there are the bad drivers, which I have wrote about in three other the blog posts.
Secondly there is the traffic that should be on the road, but is on the pavement, such as bikes, motorbikes, and now electric scooters. Obviously there are exceptions to this such as children. I’ve lost count of the amount of times me, and/or my mum, and/or my friends, have narrowly avoided being hit by a bike that is on the pavement. Also I know adults who have been hit by bikes, and have they suffered serious injuries as a result. There are small children and babies in prams on the pavement, imagine the serious harm that could be done to a small child if you hit them with your bike or scooter.
A few years ago I was waiting for the bus home from work. The bus stop was on a very narrow pavement, next to a busy road with lots of bends on it, at the bottom of a steep hill. A man on a bike, with a very young girl sitting on his handlebars came speeding down the hill on the pavement.
Let’s not forget mobility scooters, because there are speed limits that mobility scooters are legally required to adhere to while on the pavement, yet the majority of mobility scooter drivers do not adhere to them.
There are even two very old men, who I have seen joyriding a mobility scooter so many times I’ve lost count. By this I mean both of them are on the mobility scooter at the same time, flying along both the pavements and the roads.
Other pedestrians can be far worse though.
A few years ago I was walking up the same hill, on the narrow pavement, going to work, when I was physically and verbally abused by an older man.
Both him and a lady pushing a pram were coming down the hill towards me. She was quite a bit in front of him, close to the wall, so I moved out of her way next to the road, so that we could safely pass each other. Instead of simply moving behind here until I passed them like the majority of us would have done, this man sped up and walked alongside the lady with the pram (they were not together) so that I had no room to pass by. Due to this I did the only thing I could do, and stopped walking, expecting him to also stop until the lady pushing the pram had passed us both. He didn’t. He walked straight in to me with enough force to shove me into the road in front of a car, that luckily managed to break just in time, before shouting abuse at me for not getting out of his way.
This isn’t the only time something like this has happened to me.
A couple of years later, I was on my way home from the supermarket carrying three or four very heavy bags. Coming to me towards me were two women, with a group of at least a dozen children. The two women, who were busy chatting, were not watching the children in their care, who were running everywhere and fighting each other. It was clear to me that they were not going to make space for me to pass them. As I was on a main road I did the only thing I could do; I moved as close to the wall as I could, stopped walking, and wait for them to pass. One of the children made the purposeful choice of charging into me. This child was almost as big as me; I’m five foot one. When I wobbled but didn’t fall over, she began screaming like I had slammed into her. Another of the children, a boy who had witnessed a girl full on charge into me, pulled her away from me, and all of them including the adults past me. As soon as my path was clear I began walking again, shaken by what it just happened, and was almost around the corner when one of the women began hysterically screaming that she was going to “knock me out”.
“She ran into me,” I informed her calmly.
“She is five,” she said aggressively before threatening to, “hit me so hard she’d make my head spin.”
I looked at the child who had tried to knock me over, she looked too big to be a five-year-old. I wondered if this woman was on something as her behaviour did not seem normal. “If she’s only five and you’re her mother, you should be paying more attention to her.”
“Who are you talking to? She challenged me.
“Clearly a smack head, who’s a terrible mother,” I responded done with the exchange.
She didn’t reply.
Just a couple of months ago a similar thing happened to me. There is a park I that have to walk through every time I leave my flat. Lots of people walk their dog in this park, and the grass is always visibly full of dog shit. Also on this night it was pouring down, so the grass was a gloopy muddy mess. It had been clear sunny day when I left my flat just an hour or so earlier, so I was wearing a thin pair of white pumps. Walking towards me on the narrow path were two women with a pram. When they didn’t move over to let me pass, I again moved as close to the edge of the path as I could and stopped walking. The woman without the pram walked right up to me, so that she was almost pressed against me. Her posture was really threatening, and I thought she was going to shove me or head butt me. After a few uncomfortable seconds she passed me and said loudly, in an equally threatening tone, “Was there any need for her then?”
Any need for her what?
To wait patiently, and politely, giving you as much space to pass as I could?
Or to not be intimidated by a bully?
The people who have the most severe impact on my mental health of all, are the people who approached me in public to satisfy some social, emotional, or personal urge they have. Approaching somebody in public when you are not in need of assistance should not be a socially acceptable thing to do, especially if you’re a grown man approaching a woman, or even worse a young girl. I’m sure this can be intimidating for any woman, but I am a very small, mentally vulnerable woman, who looks young.
The most intimidating and common type of people to harass me in public are drunk men. I’ve been verbally abused by so many intoxicated men that it has made me wary of any drunk man I encounter.
When I was eighteen I was physically assaulted by a drunk man on the bus.
As soon as I sat down he came and sat in the seat in front of me. He was so close to me that when he turned around to talk to me I could smell his fowl breath, and it wasn’t just alcohol that it stunk of, it’s smelt like he had no concept of dental hygiene. Timidly I asked him to leave me alone. That was enough to trigger him. He grabbed me by my very short hair (my fringe was the longest hair on my head) while trying to drag my hair slide out. Clearly distressed and pleading for somebody to help me, I managed to fight him off and fled to another seat. Agitated and shouting he followed me. Afraid, an now aware that nobody was going to help me if he attacked me again, I stood up, raise my voice and assertively demanded that he, “Fuck off and leave me alone.”
This burst of confidence was all it took to make the pervy coward to slink away like a wounded animal.
An older lady tutted loudly.
“What disgusting language,” the man next to her commented.
“What a rude child, her parents should be ashamed of her and themselves,” another old lady attempted to console him.
Then one by one other passengers rallied around him, trying to comfort him.
Shockingly, many sober men have also become verbally abusive with me when I have asked them to leave me alone or ignored them. There have been too many incidents of this for me to remember, or even list the ones that I do remember here.
There is so much more that I hate about being outside, but I’ll give you one last example.
There are men who think either women should always be smiling, or that just because they are in a good mood the rest of the world has to be. I’m talking about those men who think it is fine to tell a stranger, usually women to, “Smile, it might never happen.”
If you are one of those men, please know these things:
1. Nobody owes you a smile
2. and as a women I am not required to smile on demand.
3. People are allowed to show their emotions on their face.
4. It probably has happened.
I have had this said to me
• After a person I loved died.
• After I was raped.
• After my boyfriend who I owned a house with had recently hit me, and I felt trapped with him.
• After I lost that house
• and my job
• Even when I was so depressed I was having suicidal thoughts.
After I got discharged from the hospital in 2018, I got a new psychiatrist. Terrifyingly he doesn’t seem to understand that it is dangerous to not let patients speak, or to refuse to listen to what they have to say. He constantly speaks, and a soon as I try to speak, he either cuts me off or, tells me he’s right and I am wrong. He has even said he’s right and other psychiatrist are wrong.
He also loves to give out genetic information without considering it against the patient he’s giving it to.
He went on and on for appointments, about how I need to go for walks to destress. I’m a person who gets suicidal urges to stepped out in front of traffic.
My prior suicide attempt had involved me running in front of cars.
Is the advice that I should go for walks responsible advice?
Eventually I had to bring my mum to an appointment to back me up, which is another issue entirely, but my point is this: people in my life noticed the attention I get from strangers is excessive. My friends have commented on it throughout my life. For example my friend Kate said it’s because I look, “Overly approachable.”
However I am a binge eater. Though I was only diagnosed with it when I was diagnosed with BPD, I have suffered with it on and off my entire life. Yet only recently have I begun to put on weight because of it. The weight gain started before lockdown, but as a result of lockdown it has gotten so bad that most of my clothes don’t fit anymore. When I started to notice I was putting on weight, I promised myself I wouldn’t do anything to accommodate it, such as buying new clothes. Luckily for me breaking this promise isn’t currently an option, because a lot of shops are closed,and the shops that are still open don’t allow changing room access.
Honestly, the weight I put on around my stomach felt bad enough, but what really spurred me to take action was when I began to put weight on my boobs. They feel like they just hang there like two meat sacks. It was in November that this began.
Having no other choice, I began squashing my new meat sacks, into my old exercise clothes and going for runs.
They didn’t go well.
If my lungs weren’t burning my legs were.
If I wasn’t stopping to dry heave, I was stopping because I couldn’t see through the black snow blizzard, or I had been frightened by a phantom jogger who appeared beside me and disappeared just as suddenly.
After two months of this, the stress caused by these runs became so severe I didn’t want to leave my flat for anything.
Running
Part 1: 2017 -2018
As my long time social media followers already know, during 2017 and 2018, I got into running in what was for me a really big way, and I really enjoyed it and loved it. What a big way meant for me was, running three days a week, always in a three day block, for in between 45 and 75 minutes, on the highest incline available on the treadmill at the gym. By enjoyed, I mean that on day three, while running, my extreme chatter brain would become almost completely silent. It is the closest to calm my brain has ever gotten.
I haven’t always enjoyed running though. The first time I ever attempted to run on a treadmill, was with my most recent ex-boyfriend. It was during the first year of our relationship, when we were inseparable. Although I don’t recall which of us suggested joining a gym, or why, if I had to guess I would feel confident saying that it was him.
Let me make one very important thing clear before I go any further; I am, and I have always been, a massive art geek in someway or another. The need to create has always been in my blood. Sport very much has not. I was not an athletic person, pre 2016. The most physical activity that I both independently and voluntarily did, was inline rollerskating as a preteen.
Think back to school P.E. lessons.
Remember those girls who were always picked last in team sports, because they stood as far away from the action as physically possible?
That was me.
Where individual sports were concerned I half-heartedly took part, and only because I had no choice. There was a single exception to this, which was trampolining. Trampolining was fun and I was good at it. However this hobby was short lived, as the instructor found out I had recently gotten my bellybutton pierced. He told me to take it out or I couldn’t join in.
Jumping was a natural skill of mine. I was also above average at both the long jump and high jump, even though I hated them both.
Despite the fact that I was the most unfit person on the planet, I was incapable of putting on weight, regardless of how much I ate, and as a result, I was a stick figure. When me and Tony began our relationship, I still had my beloved stick figure. Womanly curves are not for me.
Lastly, I believe that Tony suggested it as I clearly recall him insisting that we join the gym at the Adelphi hotel in the city centre, because a guy on his team at work, Daniel, had started going there. He despised Daniel, so I have no idea why this was.
Our gym visits only lasted a couple of months.
This isn’t to say our days of “couples exercising” ended there. After we bought our house we would go for runs (I use the word lightly) around the new build housing estate we lived on. This “exercising” wasn’t regular, and it was never successful.
Late in 2016, I joined an MMA gym and immediately realised that I needed to build up my strength and stamina, so I joined an ordinary gym. My plan quickly went out of the window as soon as I got on the treadmill, as running was all I wanted to. I constantly craved it. The adjustment period of going from a mixture of walking and running, to full running, was only a couple of weeks. This is likely due to the fact that even though I didn’t realise it at the time, I did a lot of walking. You see, I hate public transport, and I can’t drive, So I walked most places; to the shops, the gym, the doctors, to visit people, et cetera. After I got off the bus in the city centre, I would walk for half an hour to the MMA gym and back again. If I missed my bus on the way home from work, I would just walk home, which easily took me over an hour.
For anybody who is wondering why I haven’t written a journal entry since November, the answer is that I have tried to several times over the last few months, but whenever I try it feels like the issues I am currently dealing with are bigger than a quick update post. Add on top of that the fact that it has been a very busy and bad few months and you get a recipe for unproductive ranting in the journalling area. Top that recipe off with what I can only describe as an episode of mania; which then adds chaos, a lack of concentration and disorganisation to the mix,and I’m surprised I managed to get anything done over the last few weeks.
During the last few weeks I have started several writing projects, blog post and journal entries, that I not only didn’t finish, but which are now all jumbled up.
I might be wrong, but I feel like my mania broke yesterday. My mood plummeted, which is not to say that I am depressed, but that I felt my frantic energy drop. Then I began crying, not because I was upset, but because I felt as though I had been determinedly battling against unbeatable odds, with a mind that was telling me it wasn’t that the odds were against me, it was that I wasn’t fighting hard enough. That’s not to say I am giving up on anything, just that I am now acknowledging that I need to reassess whats realistic at this point, revise some “plans”, and maybe take a step back from some things until the timing is better.
Today I am feeling a strong urge to begin reflecting on everything that has happened since I last journaled, as well as to start trying to sort through the chaos. I even know where I want to begin, and why.
Part seven- From The Merseyside Police
(I have redacted information both at the beginning and end of this email which includes the personal details and contact details of the emails sender. As well as information at the beginning in regards to my reference number.)
The sender of this email is not the same sender as in any of the previous emails.
Dear Miss Vannucci
Please find attached letter in relation to your complaint against police.
Regards
The letter attached states that I have complained that the officers had no right to enter my premises (True) or to check on my welfare (Not true), then it lists the names and badge numbers of the four people involved, finally it tells me that they will be passing the complaint back to the original officer who was dealing with it.
Part One- To The Merseyside Police
Hi i put in a subject access request over a month ago. It was sent in by post on the 13th of august and I am looking to find out what is happening with it. If you could please get back to me by email and let me know I would be really grateful my email address is…
Part Six – From Me
yes that would really help thank you. im fine with white paper but can i use blue pen if the text is black?
im sorry if sounds like im being difficult im not its just very frustrating for me. If i have to spend another year on functional skills learning that the plural of goose is geese just to get to gcse level i will but i just feel like none of what i need was addressed at all and i was just told well really you know this you should be taking a gcse. That doesnt help me and i cant be the only one with my issues. I feel like there must be rules i can learn to get to where i need to be. If theres rules and i know them then i can follow them otherwise i start to feel lost and overwhelmed then stressed and then im just completely unable to function.
Just a quick completely all over the place update today guys.
So as you have probably noticed my blog has already changed and grew and awful lot in the roughly six months that I have been writing it… yes six months has almost passed since I started writing this blog… no I cant believe it either.
What I cant believe even more is that I haven’t missed a single post in that entire time… although I know I have had to split up stories to achieve this and I am still looking to improve my writing and get faster so I can go back to a single post per story.
I have even started adding additional things such as note book notes and autobiographical stories from my english language classes as well as emails that are relevant to posts I am going to write in the future. I sometimes even journal.
Not only this but my autobiographical stories that were the entire content of my blog when I started have begun branching off into different areas as I try to juggle everything that is relevant in my life right now.
As you probably seen I hit a milestone I never ever expected to pass, last week the number of countries my blog has been read in hit 25. Thank you too everybody who viewed my blog, you did that for me and I am so grateful and feel so loved.
I promised I would find a way to make my blog better for all of you… this is not it…I still have no idea how I am going to do that.
This is just an announcement of some much needed changes but it will provide more posts per week my new posing schedule is
Mondays
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
I am trying to get on top of this stuff now so I can start moving forward with other plans I had for posts when I first started as well as new ideas for posts I have had recently.
Love you all x
Part Six- From The Merseyside Police
(I have redacted information both at the beginning and end of this email which includes the personal details and contact details of the emails sender)
The sender of this email is the same person as the sender of the emails in part one, part three and part four.
Thank you for your response. I will have the complaint assessed and update you again in due course.
Regards
Part Five- From The College
If we do enrol you, your tutor would apply for Exam access arrangements. You would be given support with like different coloured paper/ extra time etc.
Would it help if I post the assessment to you? It would only be on white paper as this is all I have at home.
You could then take pictures and send it back to me?
Thanks,
For those of you who remember when I had a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, with a likely combination of either Bipolar Two or Cyclothymia, and Major Depressive Disorder, you will know what I mean when I say that I feel as though I am currently experiencing a manic type of episode. For those of you who don’t know what I mean when I say this; I am almost not sleeping at all; I can’t concentrate on anything at all, and I am flitting from one thing to another, or getting distracted by something else mid task, then not realising I’ve done this until hours later when I realise I have started ten tasks, and haven’t finished any of them; I also repeat the same actions, or tasks over and over again, all day, every day. Seeing as I no longer have a diagnosis that includes any type of Bipolar, I can only assume that I am on a very worrying downward spiral again, with my comorbid Borderline Personality Disorder and Adjustment Disorder, because of this flat.
This is my first time experiencing one of these extreme manic type episode since I started writing my blog. I believe this is the seventh blog post I have started writing this week and it is only Thursday. It was because of this inability to stay on topic, I do struggle with this normally but it’s currently completely out of my control, on Monday, that I noticed something was wrong. No matter what I tried to write it kept turning into a rant about my past work places. I keep wondering where my workplace “delusions” and “paranoia” began, and when they became something that controlled me.
Seeing as I am now writing about my life and journalling, I’ve decided to try and write it out, to see how it goes, and where it leads. Since starting this blog I have always intended to write about my employment experiences, because workplace “paranoia” and “delusions” is the BPD symptom that seems to affect me the most. For this reason I feel less guilty for getting off my current topic again, as I imagine my next few weeks of Sunday blog post, are going to be the beginning of a new series of blog posts, about my employment history.
I want you all to know that I am not abandoning my current topic for this new topic. These two things, are things, that I feel very strongly about, and which are equally as important to me.
Today however I have a story for you that is part of both this new series on my old series.
Today I’m going to tell you about the time I was interviewed by the police, because my employer accuse me of stealing from them. Next week, I’m going to tell you all about the time that same employer accused me of fraud.
Part Five-To The Merseyside Police
Please note this may have more mistakes and be more poorly written than my previously shared emails as I have simply copied and pasted it in due to the contents of this particular email.
Yes i would
id also ask that you consider how the action taken does not meet the guidelines an that i should have been informed of my s135 rights but instead i was told i have none
information taken from
found in
Mental health
Suicide and bereavement response
found under
Suicide risk response: at an individual level
point 1: Where possible the police response should be supported by:
Why wasnt my mother told that either she attend if she was genuinely concerned as process states the police should be supported by someone the individual know if possible and this was possible
why is it ok for her to call the police and i HAVE NO CHOICE but to deal with them at 4am but her as the call does
point 2: Suicide may be averted if people receive immediate and appropriate support. Options for intervention should be carefully considered, and the best course of action will depend on an assessment of the immediate risks to the individual, risks to others, the needs of the individual, and their location.
Did my mother say i said i was going to hang myself or that i wanted to hang myself because one is a reason for you to respond the other really isnt did i say it on this occasion?
No
Do i want to hang myself?
A lot of the time.
That doesnt mean i am going to do it.
And even if you feel it is appropriate to follow up with me to check im not going to do it is not an appropriate reason for you to force access to my property.
Im sure lots of people say that WANT to rob a bank and mean it but have no plans to do it.
Are you going to go out to all of them and force access to their property to check they arent going to do it?
point 3: • detention for assessment under section 136 Mental Health Act (MHA)
Under section 17 PACE, a police constable may enter and search any premises for the purpose of saving life or limb or preventing serious damage to property. Therefore, in order to force entry to premises to re-detain an AWOL patient, the police can only use section 17 PACE if they have a genuine belief that life is imminently at risk.
Outside these circumstances, a warrant under section 135(2) MHA 1983 is required.
adjective
1 1.
about to happen.”they were in imminent danger of being swept away”
What did they believe was about to imminently happen that justified them not getting a warrant?
Also what were they planning to do if they entered under force and found i was planning to do something because the also need that warrant to detain me and/or take me to hospital. That isnt covered by section17ePACE because it only covers forced entry to literally and under imminent conditions save my life.
They did not save my life in anyway. i was not disarmed or given medical treatment therefore Section17ePACE was not lawfully used.
Point 4: Officers may feel that it is appropriate to ask about a number of topics, starting with more general questions and gradually focusing on more direct ones, depending on the answers provided. This must be done with respect, sympathy and sensitivity. Open-ended questions should be asked, such as: ‘how do you feel?’
Suggested tactics were not used as how I FELT was irrelevant even though i was the subject of the welfare check.
point 5: Response to a non-immediate risk of suicide
Police officers should refer to the following resources when considering what services are available to support a person who seems vulnerable to suicide but does not seem to be presenting an immediate risk:
again another point stating they should have gotten a warrant
point 6: communication guidelines which were not followed
The police should consider how their presence, attitude and demeanour may influence a person’s reaction when approaching a member of public for any reason. This reaction will have an impact on subsequent risks to officers, suspects and the public.
Help in facilitating communication may sometimes be necessary. Officers and staff can seek assistance from:
Officers should, however, be mindful of not excluding the subject from conversation or decision making in favour of a carer, intermediary or advocate unless their needs demonstrate that this requirement exists – see Mental capacity.
Attitude, patience and empathy
Effective communication can increase the availability of information from the individual (concerning their illness or disability and the rationale for their behaviour) and improve risk management by enabling informed decision making. This is valuable information if an individual intends to self-harm or take their own life, or if there are immediate safety concerns for the public.
De-escalation
De-escalation is an approach and range of tactics that may be used by the police or other professionals to calm an agitated individual to reduce or prevent the use of force or restraint.
Verbal de-escalation and containing a disturbed or confused and vulnerable person in a calm, ideally familiar, and closed environment may be safer and less traumatic for the individual. It may reduce the need for physical restraint and sectioning.
Practitioner experience suggests that, where possible, officers and professionals should maximise the time and space provided so that an individual is offered every opportunity to calm down.
Failure to listen and actively engage in dialogue to draw out an explanation for apparently aggressive or odd behaviour represents a missed opportunity to de-escalate and resolve a situation informally before arrest and restraint may be necessary. An individual who is frightened, confused or injured may appear to be experiencing mental illness, but this should not be assumed before the subject has had a good opportunity to explain what is going on.
point 7: When is police intervention appropriate?
If police officers are the only professionals present at an incident in which questions of mental capacity are raised, they are accountable for ensuring that any assessment or intervention is lawful under the MCA.
Part Four- From Me
I have borderline personality disorder so I suffer with overwhelming emotional issues, and pseudo psychosis, and bpd is a stress triggered illness, so when put under stress I can start to hallucinate become, emotional shut down, and suffer with racing and disjointed thoughts etc. Obviously there are going to be emotion based questions which I may struggle to answer and I’ve been given no sort of real work around for this at a functional skills level. It also means that i may struggle to understand exactly what a question is asking me to do for example make something up, or work from information given, if the instructions arent clear. I find it easier to work on paper, in a pen that is a different colour to the text already on the page, and sometimes it helps to work over several sheets of paper first to try and get my thoughts in order. I know where i struggle with english because i have a degree, and so writing essays, dissertations, etc were a large part of that. I struggle with emotion, i struggle with grammar, spelling and with mixing up words, etc. This is not because im not capable, its because of my illness, and so i just feel frustrated that im going to under achieve not because im not capable, but because im at a massive disadvantage because of my mental health issues, and if theres no support that can be put in place for tests and assessments then im never going to progress
Part Four- From The Merseyside Police
(I have redacted information both at the beginning and end of this email which includes the personal details and contact details of the emails sender)
The sender of this email is the same person as the sender of the emails in part one and part three.
Further to my last , I can confirm receipt of two further emails from you which makes three in total.
I have reviewed your emails , wishes and I believe I will not be able to resolve your complaint without taking further investigative steps. At this moment in time your complaints have been logged, would you like them to be officially recorded? Once they are recorded, the complaints will be sent to the Detective Inspector who will review and instruct me further.
Regards
Part Three- Message From The College
I am a bit unsure of what you are asking around support taking the test? Do you mean that you had in class support in your maths? As that is something you could apply for through college yes.
College is not open at the moment. However, you might be able to use the library in the city centre?
Part Three- From The Merseyside Police
(I have redacted information both at the beginning and end of this email which includes the personal details and contact details of the emails sender)
The sender of this email is the same person as the sender of the email in part one.
Apologies for the delay in returning your emails but I have been off duty the past three days. I note you would prefer to correspond via email and that is absolutely fine by me.
I have reviewed your complaint and the circumstances leading up to it. I am also in possession of police body worn footage of the incident and the dispute you were having with officers regarding their powers of entry.
I would appreciate it if you could bullet point each of your complaints so I can further review. I would also like to ascertain your wishes and how I can resolve your complaint.
Part Two- From Me
I was told that level two is the same level as a gcse, but it is a gcse that I need is that not the case?
I have also spent the last year being told I should have been taking a gcse rather than a functional skills course, which is frustrating if I have to spend another year on functional skills being told the same thing. I have just achieved a grade 5 in gcse maths, and maths is my weaker subject.
Do you have a paper test I could take or is the college open for me to come in and use a computer?
Is there no support or help given from the english department for people who may struggle during tests because of mental health issues? Because I have just completed a maths gcse and they were willing to give me support for my mental health issues during tests?
Part Two- Email To The Merseyside Police
Hi,
In response to your email I will call you if necessary however, I would prefer to correspond through emails for several reasons
1. My mental health was bad anyway and since this it is far worse, and I am on further medication, which means I am having more frequent and intense episodes, which are easily triggered, and I am very confused easily.
2. I am not happy in relation to the fact that it is the merseyside police dealing with my complaint, and would much prefer an independent third party to be dealing with this. I have never had a good experience at all with the merseyside police and find that the merseyside police are a hostile, uncaring force, who seem to lack any type of understanding or common sense when dealing with issues or complaints therefore, I would prefer to have all correspondence between ourselves in writing.
3. If I do not get a satisfactory response,
what I mean by this is that if i’m met with the same dangerous attitude, the attitude of you have no rights and we are above the law, that I have been met with at every step of this process so far, I will be seeking to deal with this as a legal and political issue.
As a mentally ill person advocating for the rights of the mentally ill and disabled, and equality and fairer treatment, this is not a joke to me, and I am prepared to fight this injustice and quite frankly obvious victimisation to the very end.
On the night in question I was a victim of police intimidation, I completely had every civil right put in place to protect me from this behaviour, and to ensure that as a mentally ill person I get the appropriate help in an appropriate way when there is a reason to believe that help is needed, taken away from me, which has not only led to a worsening of my mental health, which i’m now on buspirone for, and still barely functioning on, but I was also denied appropriate help in an appropriate way, which actually left me more vulnerable to what you say you were trying to help me with.
I was horribly violated and victimised.
I was used as an object to exert power over, and as a bit of fun an excitement. I have been left in constant fear for my physical safety. I have been left afraid that the police can, and will, physically touch me how and when they want, and will be able to say it was for my own good.
If this is not dealt with, I will never be able to ask for help again when I need it, out of fear the police will be called, and my mother will never call in a wellfare check again.
This leaves me extremely vulnerable to my mental illnesses.
I will never feel safe, and never not be afraid of the police if this is not dealt with.
The police have no rights to force entry or search my property as a standard practice of a wellfare check under section 17e pace, and the calling in of a wellfare check its self is not a valid reason for forced access to my property, or physical contact of my body.
How dare I be told you have a right to harm me to stop me potentially harming myself. How dare you tell me you have any rights to touch me in anyway. It is my right to say who touches me an how.
Your rights and responsibility’s as far as wellfare check go are ABC and report,
alive, breathing and conscious, and then to report it to the relevant agency to follow up on.
If you find me alive, breathing and conscious and I refuse the welfare check that is my right.
The only time you have rights under section 17e pace to force entry after this is to disarm me or give me life saving medical care etc.
If I am alive, breathing and conscious and I refuse the wellfare check and you still think I am a danger to myself you must get an section 135 warrant.
Do not tell me you dont need one.
You need one for very good reasons.
1. You don’t know how i’ll react to forced entry to my flat, it could cause me to harm myself.
If you had an section 135 warrant then although you dont have to have to legally, it is very likely that a mental health professional would be called to assist, and either talk me out of the flat or find a safe entry way, such as you know, picking up my mother, who is apparently so concerned for my safety and only lives five minutes away if that in a car, to come and open the door with the spare keys she has, and if shes not willing to do that i’d say she’s obviously not as concerned for my safety as she said she was.
2. They would have done the appropriate checks to find out what my illnesses are, and if there are reasons I might not want to co operate with the police, so again the situation could be dealt with appropriately.
3. If you really believe I am a danger to myself, then I need detaining under the mental health act, while I wait for and while I get assessed. I could have not been co operating with you because I was having a psychotic episode. I could have been suicidal and killed myself after you left.
3. To do an appropriate search of my flat. It’s not hard for someone one to hide a belt or boxes of pills etc, under a sofa or behind a tv stand.
I have already written a detailed list of issues in my original complaint, as well as a further email to update you further on this situation. I have been told you have these but I will forward them onto you in case this is not the case. I wont repeat myself here. This includes how I want this dealing with.
Part One- Message From The College
Thank you for your email.
The level that you would be offered would be Level 2 for next year, as you completed Level 1 last year.
Please email me with any further questions.
Thanks,
Part One- Email From The Merseyside Police
(I have redacted email senders information.)
Hi,
I am writing to acknowledge your complaint received in this department on 12/08/2020 and allocated to me on the 27/08/2020. It is logged with reference number (I have redacted reference number.)
In order to resolve your complaint effectively, I would like to communicate further with you in order to fully understand your complaint and identify how you would like it to be resolved.
You can contact me on phone (I have redacted email senders phone number)or email , alternatively provide me a number along with a time that is convenient for you, between 08:00 and 15:00 between Monday and Friday.
(I have redacted personal and contact information of the email sender.)
Months ago, I promise you all that I would start posting some of my English assignments on a Wednesday, in particular the writing assignments. Then a few weeks ago I promise to post the story that I achieved my grade seven on, in my mock exam (apparently a grade 7 is an A to A*).
Well, here it is, I am finally making good on my promise.
This story is based on real events, but is not one hundred percent accurate…
…so I decided to write some autobiographical companion pieces. The first of which will be released in place of my Sunday autobiographical post.
I know I am once again straying from my planned posts, but these pieces are a very good look into how Borderline Personality Disorder can effect your day-to-day life, especially when you are undiagnosed.
Hi i made a complaint either monday or tuesday and i phone your advice line today and asked how i add to it and they told you i had to email in
i need to add two things
first after seeking information on what s17pace was i was told they would have been referring to s17epace which is to save life or limb i have been advised that this can not be used as standard practice to gain entry for a welfare check and exists to let the police enter the property if they have justifiable reason to believe there is imminent threat to life which they did not have in this case as i had informed them i was fine had no plans to harm myself (and i have a right to refuse a welfare check if i am the subject of the welfare check) and was responding i have been told reasonable cause is something along the lines if they had reason to believe i had a weapon and was planning to use it if i needed immediate medical assistance such as if i stopped responding etc i have been told that if they had genuine concerns about my safety which did not require immediate medical assistance or disarmament they should have got an s135 warrant and that this warrant exists to not only get me appropriate help in an appropriate way if i need it but is also there to protect me from the type of situation that happened to me
i would like to add some effects that have occurred since i made my complaint i am now hallucinating police sirens and flashing lights on occasion in the carpark outside my flat which is very distressing
i have lost weight already due to not eating and although i started eating very small amounts of food late last night or early hours of this morning i can not keep anything down and bring it back up if my anxiety or stress peaks
since learning about the s135 warrant and what s17epace is and there differences i have decidedly changed my mind about what i want the outcome to be i would like all four members of the police that attended to be disciplined and prosecuted appropriately
i have made several attempts to raise my concerns with the merseyside police and been met with hostility if appropriate i would like the same action taken against any members of staff who are also helping to protect these officers as it is at worse police intimidation and abuse of power and at worst police misconduct and abuse of power as i have been told regardless of whether or not they genuinely believed they were acting on behalf of my well being they are not allowed to violate my rights and say they did it out of concern or for my well being they must act accordingly and secure the right warrants and behave appropriately
Addition Two- Emails sent to the Merseyside Police
Note. The complaint that I sent in was both sent via email first because I was struggling so badly with things, and then later through the form on their website.
I had also made several complaints already to the Merseyside police before putting in my complaint to the I.O.P.C, all of which were dealt with rudely, hostilely and dismissed by the merseyside police.
This is the response I received from the I.O.PC
(I have redacted information here, all information about the sender such as email address and name.)
Dear Enquirer Thank you for contacting the Independent Office for Police Conduct (IOPC). We acknowledge receipt of your email dated 14 August 2020. We are completely independent of the police service and are responsible for making sure that the police complaints system in England and Wales works effectively and fairly. However, each police force is responsible for considering complaints made against them in the first instance. I have checked our systems and it appears we have not received a complaint directly from you either via post or email, given the information provided. As such, it seems you may have submitted a complaint against the police via our website. Please be advised, we have no sight of such complaints; they are directed to the Professional Standards Department (PSD) of the force concerned to log. Therefore, to establish the current status of your complaint, or to submit further information, you must contact the PSD of Merseyside Police directly; their details are listed below.
(I have redacted information, all of which was contantact information here.)
You should, usually, hear from the PSD within 15 working days of submitting a complaint. However, given the current Coronavirus (Covid-19) pandemic it may take longer for them to contact you. I have attached further information on the police complaints process that the IOPC oversees for your attention. Kind regards
(I have redacted information here, mostly personal and contact information of the sender, but also a lot of the useless information about data protection and surveys etc.)
Please be advise this letter is terribly written and I have tried to clean it up a bit and make it more readable and understandable. I was in an awful mental and physical state when I wrote it and was on a lot of sedatives.
This is a letter that I wrote earlier this year to the I.O.P.C after and about the incident that took place at 4Am on the 8th of August 2020.
This complaint is in regards to the merseyside police, who bullied their way into my property using threats and intimidation, which included threatening to saw my door down with a saw and charge the cost to me, and using physical force on me.
I would like to say here, and now, that this was meant to be a welfare check on me, due to my mother saying I had called her and said I was going to hang myself, which is not true. We did speak on the phone and we argued, no threats were made by me about my safety, or that I would harm myself. If I had been charged the price of a sawn down door, which first of all does not seem fair as I never made any threats to my safety, so either the police or my mother should have covered the cost, I would not have been able to afford it because im currently in both a terrible financial situation, and I have lost and fear I will lose more possessions in my flat due to mould, and have previously attempted suicide because of financial strain. I have also attempted to commit suicide once because I was the victim of an assault. So their behaviour in how they went about gaining access to the property could have caused me to commit suicide after they left the property or later on even though I wasn’t suicidal when they arrived at my property.
I wont go into the circumstances around the argument with my mother which led to her calling the police because it is irrelevant to my complaint, but I will say she would not have called them if she was concerned about me because she knows I am afraid of the police. I also understand that police do welfare checks and have had welfare checks before via phone or them at the door where speaking to me was enough evidence I was fine so I really dont understand why this time was different.
My reason for the complaint is that I dont believe the police were acting correctly as I am a vulnerable adult being that I have co morbid borderline personality and adjustment disorder. I live alone and am a small woman. I don’t think they were acting with my safety or well being in mind and think they were far more concerned with gaining access to the property purely so they could say “we did what we had to do.”
This event has left me severely afraid and traumatised. I had trouble feeling safe in my flat before and now I don’t feel safe at all. I feel like the police can come and saw down my door or assault me and say it was for my own good whenever they feel like it. I’m constantly crying, I have worse sleeping problems now than I had previously, and I’m not eating. I feel constantly as though i’m having a panic attack and if I hear a police siren I completely lose it. I have had to be put on diazepam because of this. As im already on quietiapine and getting very little sleep this means I falling more often. I also suffer with pseudo seizures which are stress related seizures and so both during and now because of this incident i’m at risk of having seizures. These have all hit me particularly hard because the crying, anxiety, panic attacks and seizures where all things that I was managing much better and now the crying, anxiety and panic attacks are paralysingly bad. I can not go about my normal activities which were already very restricted.
I have co morbid borderline personality disorder and adjustment disorder both illnesses which are triggered by stress and trauma so the polices visit has actually worsened my condition, symptoms and struggles. It has left me feeling very depressed, vulnerable, powerless and hopeless. It had also put me in a very vulnerable situation because now if I ever feel suicidal in the future I wont be able to reach out for help because i’m scared the police will turn up and get involved.
I do not believe the police had reasonable belief that I was a danger to myself to force entry or use physical force on me. I had even called 999 before they arrived to explain that there was no risk to my safety from myself. And although I begin to discus possible entry to my flat I never give them permission to enter and move out the way only to avoid being physically assaulted. This is evidenced when the female officer enters the flat and I say ‘I don’t want this to be happening’.
I have been assaulted by the police before, in august 2018, while at Aintree Hospital. This assault happened after I had tried to get myself sectioned and was left sitting alone. Nobody bothered to tell me that I had been sectioned. It was very late at night, my medication was over due and I had a seizure earlier in the day, so was sweaty and wanted a shower. When I tried to leave a security guard said to a police officer who was their with somebody else, ‘Stop her please.’ and gave no reason. The officer decided the reasonable approach was to grab me by the arm twist it in a way it shouldnt bend and run me very hard and fast into a wall.
The police who came to the flat, knew that I was afraid of them, its very clear I am distressed and that they are the cause of that distress. I told them I felt harassed and had been assaulted before and even told them I was scared yet, they chose to use intimidation and threats to get me to engage with them rather than try to calm me and the situation down. At one point one of the officers even taunts me.
Examples
-They say ‘You only have one option open the door or well put it through.’
-They sound really eager and excited when they say ‘Go get the ram go get the ram dave’ ‘Just going to get the ram put the door through’
They really sounded like they were enjoying it and that getting to ram my door down was exciting
There is a second time this happens when they say ‘Go get the saw dave we’ve given you fair warning’ I havent committed a crime this is meant to be a welfare check why are they warning me rather than trying to calm me down?
At this point I have told them that police have assaulted me in the past, so its very clear im afraid, but they dont care i’m afraid cos when I tell them i’ve been assault before they reply saying, they dont know why im being obstructive. Are they really that unsympathetic to the fear they are causing or are they not listening to me because, i’d imagine sympathy and listening are two tools they should be using during a welfare check rather than warnings.
-one of the officers says ‘Are you scared are you?’ His tone was menacing, taunting and like he was enjoying it. He knew I was scared because he asks this after i’ve already told them i’ve been assault by police before.
Theres no way he can say this is a valid question and not him enjoying himself because, he knows the answer and if he actually cared he surely he would have said something more caring like ‘Look if your scared…’ you can hear how intimidated I am by this because I ask ‘Why should I be scared of you?’ at which point its obvious he realises its inappropriate to taunt me because he says ‘That why you wont open the door’ so he knows im scared. Why arent they trying to deescalated the situation?
Why do they think threatening to saw my door down is going to calm my fears?
He then tells me ‘You’ve got no reason to be scared’ well I have and i’ve already told them I have and that i’ve been assaulted before by the police.
-When they do try and reassure me they make it sound like i’m being unreasonable when he says ‘I genuinely dont think anything is going to happen to you be realistic’
-Yet once the door is open they tell me ‘We can just push are way through’ when i say ‘your saying you can basically assault me to come into my property’ They respond ‘ye’ and essentially ye’ so they’ve gone from be realistic you wont be harmed to, we can and will assault you to gain entry to your property. Therefore my reasons for me not wanting to open the door is valid. Its disgusting that the police can assault me and say its for my own good.
I am on antipsychotic medication and struggle to sleep, which which i’d already told them several times I was trying to sleep and that i’m on anti psychotic medication, this means i’m dizzy and unstable on my feet,I fall over alot anyway
so if I was pushed even slightly I could have banged my head and died or been impaled on one of the metal bed frames that are in my hallway.
-They keep knocking on the door even though i’m speaking to them
-They keep revving the saw.
They deal with the situation in a really confrontational combative manner arguing with me and calling me a liar
-They say ‘We can record you too’
-They tell me I have no rights when I say i’ll sue them ‘you’ll never win weve got the power to put the poor through section 17 of pace we’ve got no case to answer’
⁃ They reference section 17 pace again later when they are threatening to assault me. Why do they keep referencing laws I don’t understand? Why aren’t they engaging on a none threatening level I can understand?
⁃ They say to me at one point I know the law,I don’t, i’m just a terrified, vulnerable woman who, can’t understand why on this welfare check they want to put my door through on hearsay, when on times i’ve been the one one whose undeniably said it theyv just phoned me
⁃ ‘You’re being obstructive’ i’m clearly distressed by their presence and afraid. This is meant to be a welfare check yet they keep making it about them, their obligations, and their rights. There’s no concern for my well being being shown by them. There meant to be checking on me looking after me. Its clear they have no interest in my welfare they just want to get into my flat and do their inadequate check they are required to do.
⁃ they call me rude. i’m clearly distressed and afraid
⁃ I’ve counted eight times I tell them I never threatened myself ‘I didn’t say it to her’ ‘she has, she’s called you for no reason’ ‘I didn’t say it’ ‘she’s full of shit’ ‘I haven’t said that to her. I didn’t say that to her’ ‘I haven’t said that’ ‘The remarks have come from her’ ‘I never said anything’ and i’ve counted eight times they dont listen to me or call me a liar ‘Because of comments youv made’ ‘Where’s the remark come from’ ‘You must have done’ ‘I don’t think she is’ ‘The remarks come from somewhere’ ‘ I don’t think she lied to us’ ‘It’s got to have come from somewhere’ ‘Your mums not called us for no reason’ and thats not including them talking over me and calling a liar when I try to explain the situation to them. I tell him im trying to sleep he says dont lie you called your mum. Ye for a quick five minute conversation. If he knew anything about mental health he’d know this is a sleep hygiene technique, instead he says she was trying to sleep. I try to explain that she wasn’t and he calls me a liar again, did he assume she was trying to sleep or did she say that, because people don’t all have the same routine especially people who dont work due to health issues. We sleep when we can or when it’s easier for us to do so, so if he assumed that’s wrong and something he shouldnt be doing he should be working on facts not assumptions. My mum has always said I can call her whenever, for whatever, however it’s very normal for us to talk late night and early hours of the morning, yet he assumes she probably isn’t sleeping because i’m ringing her, not because of her own health issue or routine. This incident has destroyed mine and my mothers very complicated relationship, she does nasty things for no reason sometimes, it’s why I have borderline personality disorder, because my childhood was traumatic, so again they obviously have no knowledge of mental illness, but if it hadn’t destroyed our relationship it certainly would have destroyed my ability to get support from her when I need it the most, because did she say I woke her up or did he assume that?
As I said it’s obvious the officers responding have no training or very poor training in mental illness and dealing with it, as because of my borderline personality disorder, the way they behaved IF I HAD been suicidal at the time, actually could have forced me to act on those suicidal thoughts even if I hadn’t been planning on before they arrived
⁃ my borderline personality disorder means i get suicidal ‘fuck you’ driven episodes, where i’ll do things to show people they have upset me, so while their playing with the saw, I could have opened the door and threw myself on it, or I could have waited for them to start sawing down the door and pressed my body against the saw
⁃ I get impulsive I don’t need to do this thing episodes, also those like the ‘fuck you’ episodes are driven by thoughts that dont feel like mine they, feel like a foreign entity in my brain and its very manic thoughts that feel euphorically freeing in the moment, in moments when I feel powerless such as this one, so like I went through a phase where whenever I got post these thoughts would be like, ‘You don’t have to open your post you can open your throat instead,’ so im telling you that their attitude of open the door or well break it down could have IF I HAD been suicidal caused me to cut my throat, and thats a very serious thing as far as im concerned. Officers should only be responding if they are trained in mental illness and they should ask for information on how your illness effects you and tailor their response to that
⁃ They tell me to stop shouting, i’m have a stress and fear triggered BPD episode so i’ve gone into uncontrolable fight or flight mode, my first response was flight they told me that wasnt an option, so now i’m acting in response to my situation which is that im afraid for my safety and i’m cornered
⁃ The search of my flat was for show and not a real search, therefore it was inadequate if i was suicidal, and so forcing their way into my flat and causing me severe trauma was pointless. They even let me know its going to be inadequate because they tell me she wont touch anything. They say one thing they are looking for is evidence i’ve taken pills, in a real suicide attempt, especially one where I was preinformed the police were coming, i’d have thrown out the empty packets or put them in a cupboard, no bins were opened when she left and she didnt search all my cupboards. I might be misremembering, but they said they have their body cams on so you can check, but im pretty sure she passed two closed cabinets in my hallway, but youd have to check on that one
⁃ They say an ambulance is coming, no ambulance turns up, surely it would be more beneficial to my welfare for them to talk me down with the door closed while they wait for the paramedics to assess me for this overdose i’m meant to be getting assessed for, and then get me to open the door and check my flat while the paramedic assess me. I was never assessed, their so concerned im going to kill myself that theyll saw down my door and assault me, but no ambulance turns up and i’m not examined for this overdose their concerned about.
⁃ Also when the female officer comes back he asks her calmly like they know her answer ‘are you happy’ they knew I wasn’t a risk to myself. This was never out of concern for me it was a box ticking exercise so they could say weve done what we had to do.
⁃ I feel this is obvious because I then say I want to report a crime of lying to to the police, which is what my mothers done, and they say first before i’ve even finished speaking, do it in the morning and second I can’t do it at all
⁃ Another reason it’s obviously not a genuine welfare concern and just a box ticking exercise is that i’m asked who’d be liable if i’d have killed myself, having not made any threats of that kind, but IF I HAD been suicidal why would I care about where liability lies, im not thinking about liability im thinking about my safety, my mother was according to her and them thinking about my safety and not liability, why are they thinking about liability and not my welfare if this is a welfare check
Another point of concern for me is why he pretended he couldnt hear me, it felt like he was playing a game with my safety and rights, like he was both enjoying it and wanted so much to saw the door down, but that they didnt actually have reasonable cause while I was speaking to them he says ‘whats that’ ‘I cant hear you’ ‘I cant hear you’ ‘i’m not satisfied your safe’ but hes heard me fine over the ten minutes previous which they also mention weve been speaking through the door fine for ten minutes later when I open it but also he heard me to tell me I had no rights when I said i’d sue them and I was much farer away
Other concerns I shouldn’t be liable for the door if it was sawn down, because I have no control over what lies people tell about me, if they sawed that door down and found absolutely nothing like they did the police or my mum should have to pay for the door, not me.
And because I can’t prosecute people for telling lies about me theres nothing stopping this from happening again
The way the officers involved behaved is dangerous and i’d hope seriously isn’t legal, because if it is the police are dangerous to some of the most vulnerable people in our society, and I am suffering greatly now because of their behaviour, I could have been seriously injured or killed and, i’m sure people have before and will be again if the police are allowed to behave this way. This was meant to be a welfare check and I was treated in away that has destroyed my already fragile mental health, it was meant to be for my safety and yet its put me at much greater risk of harm coming to me now because of my seizures and sedation, and in the future if I ever am suicidal because i’ll be too scared to ask for help
Attached are the links to the videos I took of the event
Right so I think this is my final update about whats been going on over the last few weeks
In medical news again
I got my flu jab so hopefully I wont die of flu this year.
I am not diabetic so the only thing I can think of is that I am hallucinating tastes again which would make sense because the taste and smell ones seem to come with my seizures and I have been extremely seizurish lately usually though its unpleasant smells and tastes.
My favourite old glasses came back to the opticians. I went in today to get some measurements done for my special lenses and they will be back next week.
I am trying to decide if I want my feet broken and reshapen and I really think I do.
In police news
My response to my complaint came through it basically said they are allowed to injure and intimidate people as long as they are mentally ill and that the polices job security is more important than the person they have been sent to do a welfare check ons welfare and safety.
I have referred it on to the police commissioners office. They have already told me that I wont get the outcome I want but I am going through all the channels I can with this I am not giving up and if I have to take meaningless steps in between the meaningful ones thats what I’ll do.
House news.
Things are shitter than ever the man who screams obscenities and bangs on everyones windows is back. He was out Monday night in the carpark screaming and banging and inside the block next door doing the same thing. Either Wednesday or Thursday night someone one in the next black was banging what sounded like a door all night. I al stupidly tired and emotional this flat will be the death of me. If the seizures don’t get me I am pretty sure that I am not far off having a stress related stroke.
I am up at four in the morning after having no sleep and two seizures, or at least I think I have had two seizures. So I have decided to write out todays blog post now and schedule it to post by itself at nine tonight.
Firstly In mental health news.
Im still waiting to be contacted about my Autism assessment.
I am now waiting for a neurology assessment because of my seizures, but they have contacted to tell me theres a long waiting list at the minute because of covid.
And I have finally been put on the four year waiting list to see if I have ADHD which has taken so long that its only happened a couple of weeks from my next three monthly psychiatrist appointment.
At which I am planning on being shouted at because
1. cant fit 3 buspirone doses into a single day. This is because I try to go to bed sometime in between 10 and 12 at night. The noise usually keeps me awake but if I do get asleep my neighbour upstairs comes home at 1 2 3 or 4 wakes me up and then has his tv or music on for sometimes hours. I am on anti psychotics so after getting to sleep at 5 6 or 7 I sleep through my alarm and usual drag myself out if bed at around 1 or 2 in the after noon so im only out of bed four what 8 to 10 hours a day.
2. I wrote him a seething letter a month or so ago and I know hes read it because hes sort of responded.
Either way the delay in the ADHD thing is due to my GP’s covid rules. They no longer let you make future dated doctors appointments, which is obviously an issue for me because I am on anti psychotic medication and dont get asleep till like 5 or 6 in the morning. As though I can then get up to phone them at eight to make an on the day appointment. I have wrote a complaint about it and had no responce. That was months ago.
I have been struggling lately I say this like I dont always struggle but the seizures have been getting more frequent again.
Last week I spent the majority of the last week or two crying because of every different emotion from happiness to grief.
I feel like I have been getting in to arguments with dangerous ignorant people a lot online too.
The thing that annoys me most is people giving out dangerous information. Usually people do it with out knowing it and are willing to admit their mistake but their are a small group of people who continue to do it even though they know its dangerous and this bothers me so much because one day they are going to give that information out to someone who will harm or kill themselves because of it.
Second most annoying are the people who suffer with normal human emotions and think they know what mental illness is and what its like to live with it because of this. There is nothing that ignites my borderline rage more than somebody trying to give me advice about what helped them when they were ill or telling me they suffer with a mental illness or mental health issues only for me to ask what illness they have with genuine interest and be told anxiety or stress. Fuck off and start being grateful your brain is a healthy brain, fucking hell.
Lastly are the ignorant people who have no experience an just like to give their completely useless opinions just to make all the battles I face as a currently unwell person with life long illness even harder.
I plan on writing more in detailed posts about issues like this hopefully in the not to distant future.
Hi guys
It feels like forever, but my last update was only 20 day ago. Maybe that is too long. Maybe it is not long enough. Let me know the feed back so far has been great in the sense that it has been much appreciated and far more than I expected. I would love to hear more from you about what you want more of, and also for you to give me your best worst comments if that makes sense, we only learn from others compliments and criticisms, they are a pair you can’t learn from one without the other.
So much has happened that I decided that it was time to write again. I tried to do it all in one post and honestly because I am using my phone it just isn’t possible because of either my dodgy mobile phone data that only works sometimes and or the word press app is just slow and freezes. Also its a lot. So I have decided to do it in several posts across the next few days.
First things first- blog news.
Sorry guys the segmented autobiographical Sunday posts are going to stay as they are for a while. My goal is to get them back to being a full story in a single post eventually, but I am just not a fast enough righter and I write everything out on paper four or five times before using my phone to type it up so its not ideal. So for now I would rather post something well written every week for you that will get to where we are going in the end.
This current story running will run four parts. Part one went up last week. Part two goes has gone up tonight. Part three is written and will go up next week. And part four is still unwritten. I will try and get it done this week.
The next story is still unplanned to the point I am not sure myself what it will be. I will also try and get that planned this week.
I have decided that every week there isn’t a english writing assignment to post I will keep posting an additional note book post.
However I do have an assignment I plan on sharing as soon as I can copy it out in writing then type it up. I only have it saved in photographs right now, as it is on a returned test that I got back last week.
And yes it is the story that got me part of my Grade 7. I hoping it will be a nice change as my english teacher wrote ha ha ha all over it so hopefully I will leave you smiling for a change.
Sort of quick off topic I had my first mock english language test and got a Grade 7 the highest is a Grade 9 and a pass or a C is a Grade 4. This is a particularly sweet victory as I have met some discrimination from the college due to there lack of support for mentally Ill people. I am thinking about doing some posts on that however I might have to interrupt the current series of sunday posts to do it so let me know how you all feel about that.
Back on track. I have a new set of posts coming guys. It is temporary. I wont say what it is all I will say is see you Saturday at nine uk time.
Yes all posts, post at nine now and are scheduled in advance. So if you don’t see a social media post about it you can be sure it will be up regardless, so for the foreseeable future I will be posting Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday.
Finally with the blog news. I no longer have a proof reader so you are stuck with me now. All I can say is good luck with this one guys. The reason is that my proof reading was done by a friend who decided that for some reason he no longer wanted anything to do with me and as it was the second time he has done this I have made it a permanently ended friendship. Some how he has taken offence to this but I really couldn’t give less of a fuck.
Maybe more on that later but probably not anyway hopefully I will be true to my word and give you another update tomorrow.
I thought I would sit down, and take some time to give you all a quick update on life I suppose, as I’ve been a bit erratic with my social media use lately.
So first things first- my blog
I will still be posting an autobiographical story every Sunday, but I might have to break some of them into two or three parts for the time being as I am struggling writing them for several reason, my mental health being the biggest reason.
When I have a writing task I have completed for college I will be sharing it of a Wednesday. This will probably remain erratic for now sorry. However once I am into the swing if things I am thinking of setting myself my own writing tasks based on how the exam questions work for practice so I will start sharing that too.
I have struggled a lot, or at least I feel I have, with writing because I never understood it had rules, which isn’t all my fault as I have told teachers and tutors this in the past and got no response that this isn’t true, so now I have discovered there are rules I am going to maybe share a rule I like or have found particularly helpful on a Thursday. These aren’t tips from me they are tips I have been given which I am trying to learn to use.
I have been thinking about maybe doing more journaling as a way to try and improve my writing, and keep you all up to date a little bit better but I am not sure how much you would all be interested, and I’ve been thinking of maybe trying to do a my day in pictures like I used to on twitter once things start getting a bit better because it would literally just be me sitting in my pyjamas, or running clothes when I haven’t been running and looking like shit because I never sleep and have been suffering with seizure symptoms a lot more recently.
Either way if you’re interested in either of those things let me know an I might try and work it in as weekly or monthly thing for now.
In mental health news
Most of which is a couple of months old now, my current psychiatrist refused to assess me for NPD so I’m still not officially a narcissist, however he did decide to refer me to be tested for autism and agreed I probably need to be seen for ADHD and put on the four year waiting list to see a specialist but due to the terrible issues at my flat I’m struggling to get a doctors appointment, even though they apparently want to look into my seizures and my knee needs seeing to. I’m scared I wont be able to get an appointment for the flu jab this year and that in a year where everyones been taken out by covid it’ll be the flu that gets me.
In police news
Again pretty old by now I got my subject access request through. What seems like half the body cam footage there should be and showing the polices sarcastic uncaring attitudes and that they were in fact going to put that saw through my door. Oh and transcripts of the 999 operator, heavily redacted of course saying-
mother said: she said well i might as well hang myself
and
That she wont open the door to you.
Which though I don’t have the transcripts of my mothers call would seem my mother was telling the truth when she told me she just wanted them to call me because I wasn’t answering my phone and she was worried, but more on that in a later post because remember they also said the bodycam footage didn’t exist at all at one point so I’m currently pulling all my emails and stuff together because….drum roll… the merseyside police have a decision to my complaint, yet I haven’t seen it yet despite being told this weeks ago because apparently the people who deal with the complaints just have so much work on. I wonder why when your officers are so unprofessional.
In house news
Sadly no I don’t have a new place to live yet. I do have my subject access request from them though and so I will also be working on my response to their response to my last complaint so thats going to take me a while too.
Thats pretty much it apart from maybe expect less from we in all areas of life last week and this week. Halloween was a major distraction for me even though I have no kids, don’t watch TV and never leave my flat. This week you can probably expect to find my currently over weight self drowning my sorrows of turning 34 in cake of some sort and doing not a lot else.
But ye I think that’s it apart from I’m not proof reading this sorry lol
It’s Saturday afternoon and I am trying to tackle a weird and stressful problem. It’s a problem that I have admittedly brought on myself. It’s a problem that other people probably believe they have but don’t. I have to write about my day, not even my whole day, just the most emotive part of my day.
For me this is a genuinely impossible task.
Why?
Because I’m Borderline and not in recovery, in fact I am so far from recovery I am in avoidance.
The first problem this causes me is that living life in days is just a concept to me right now. It’s a concept I would love to be a reality for me but its not. I live my life in and in between episodes.
The next problem is that being Borderline means that I spend my day in a constant emotional state that would be overwhelmingly notable to a none Borderline person. When this emotion gets too much for me, which is often, I have an episode. For me an episode can last anywhere from a couple of seconds to a couple of months. Some episodes i remember fully while others I have no memory of at all. Mostly though what i have is partial and out of sequence memories. The best way I can describe this is if you imagine an episode is the alphabet and what I have is letters b,g,l,r,v and some times the way remember it is as b,l,r,g,v. This can make explaining what happened during an episode difficult at best. The episodes i hate the most though include pseudo psychosis and pseudo seizures.
Lastly recovery and avoidance.
As a person with co-morbid Borderline Personality Disorder and Adjustment Disorder the reality is that i will never be cured. These are live long illnesses and so successful management is the best i can hope for but that day is a long way off.
Trigger avoidance is a management technique which I believe is only used with Borderlines and is put in place when you are severely unwell and unable to cope. There are many reasons why a Borderline person may be put into avoidance and what avoidance means is different for everyone. Like many Borderlines avoidance for me means I can’t work, can’t be in a relationship and I don’t drink alcohol through choice though this is advised as a life long thing to avoid even when in recovery. For me though and what makes this even more difficult is that avoidance reaches into every area of my life, even those areas others see as a relaxing a escape. I can’t read a book and sometimes have to reread short pieces of writing over and over again to take it in. I rarely watch anything as this is a massive trigger for me and when i do it has to either be short and limitlessly rewindable or something I have watched a hundred times. I mostly listen to things and when I do it again has to be limitlessly rewindable and usually in small broken up pieces.
To put it simply I purposely aim to keep my days as uneventful and emotionless as possible and when that can’t be done I usually struggle to explain what happened and how I felt during it and this is why a task as simple as telling you about something that happened during my day that was emotive is a weirdly impossible and stressful task for me.
When I decided that I was going to start a blog, I put out an announcement telling you all about how I had a plan for a short series of autobiographical stories, road traffic accidents and incidents was not that plan.
I promise that I am not abandoning that original plan. I am however going to take a detour, and that detour is road traffic accidents and incidents.
I have no plan for this detour, so I really don’t know where it will take us, it just sort of happened , like my stories just happened. I suppose planning for my blog to go in one direction, only for it to go in another, is a fitting reflection of my life.
Im thinking of this detour as a mini series, within a mini series.
For the next few weeks I will be sharing my car accident and incident related trauma with you all, (and no, I didn’t realise I had so much car incident and accident related trauma either, until I just let myself write and it all came spilling out of me).
I have a person who is doing me a massive favour by reading my stuff before I post it, (for anonymities sake I will call them PR for proof reader.) I need somebody to read my stuff before I post it because I can’t spell or punctuate or be trusted to use paragraphs correctly, but also just to check it’s understandable. My planning is none existent. Trying to write when you have racing thoughts, about times when you had racing thoughts, that you don’t fully remember and that the memories you do have are sometimes out of order, feels like an impossible task. A story that I have wrote, that takes you five minutes to read, takes me twenty hours plus to write. This is because I write the story as I remember it, as that jumble of partial memories filled with a mixture of dozens of emotions and thoughts. Then I have to make sense of it, put it in order, cut out that excess of thoughts and emotions that I experienced both while the event was happening and while I was writing about it. Then there is the additional task of deciding what might not be appropriate to use in terms of other peoples stories, or descriptions of and information about people that might make them identifiable.
There are so many reasons that I am putting myself through this experience which is beyond challenging, but one of those reasons I have only discovered since hitting that publish button.
When I asked PR to read this upcoming Sunday’s blog post, Three more tales of road rage, their response was, “Maybe write something that isn’t about you being hit by a car. You don’t want to burn people out with it do you? You don’t want to be known as car girl do you?”
These comments were exactly the type of thing I was looking for. I hadn’t realised just how much I had written about cars. I don’t want to bore people.
I thought about it a lot.
I had never planned to share the three short stories in Three more tales of road rage. Sharing them had never crossed my mind because they had never seemed important, yet for some reason I had written about them, and as part of a series of events in my life that I had never associated them with before.
Also, I had already started working on a story that I had thought about sharing, but not as part of this series, and in the very distant future. I couldn’t explain why I had done this either. Yet, it felt important to me to continue writing it, just as important as it felt to publish the Three more tales of road rage waiting in my drafts box.
I realised that our memories are like spider webs. You can follow them strand by strand expecting to get somewhere, but end up somewhere entirely different, because the are connected in ways even we don’t understand. Some are forgotten because they just aren’t that important, while others that might seem just as unimportant somehow attach themselves to the memories we class as important, giving them the exact same power over us as the memories we class as important.
After thinking about all this I decided to run it passed PR.
Was being car girl so bad?
Is advocating for better road safety a bad thing?
Am I even advocating for better road safety? If I am, what do I want to change? What is my message?
I think I probably do want some specific form of change. I probably do have a very specific message I want to communicate. If I didn’t why would telling these stories be so important to me?
Though this need to share my stories has managed to fight it’s way out of my subconscious, my message has not.
Yet, when I spoke to PR, what actually came out was that reason I was doing this that I didn’t know existed. That by posting these stories, my stories, moments from my life that have not only made up my life but shaped it, I felt like I was exhaling a very poisonous breath of air that I had been forced to hold.
Up until this point I had never realised that the older I have gotten the more I actively avoid telling my stories, if not at all at least in full. I tone them down in an effort to make them more ordinary but I still get told, “That’s mad,” “That’s crazy,” “You should write a book,”
Now I have realised that I do this, I have also realised why I do this. Through out my life, as these things have happened, and I have been standing there with the evidence in front of me, I have been told by those around me, “You’re a liar,” “You’re a bullshit artist,” “You’re over dramatic,” “You exaggerate,” and that is somehow just as traumatic as the events that I have lived through.
As I was realising all this, I was wondering how many other people have experienced stories other people either refer to as “Crazy,” or, “Bullshit,”?
How many other people are also feeling like they must edit their lives to “normalise,” them therefore confirming this bullshit idea of what a normal life is?
Why should we be forced to hold in these festering experiences because doing so benefits other people?
Why should we care if speaking our truth makes other people uncomfortable, whether that is because it challenges their idea of what a normal life is, or scares them because it makes them fear that they too could experience trauma?
As I write this I feel like I am preaching to the choir, because if you’re reading this we’ve probably bonded over our “crazy,” life stories and thats why you are reading it.
I want you to know I’m not trying to make you feel like you should be sharing your stories, they are yours and what you decided to do with them should be your choice.
However I am done letting my stories fester inside me. I want to let them out in the world with the hope that my trauma prevents somebody else trauma. At the very least, I want to create a world where its safe to share your stories if you choose to. If I fail at those things, well at least I exhaled.
Don’t worry guys this isn’t this weeks blog post. I was going to do a normal tweet but when I hit a thousand words I decided to just put it up on here and if you want to read it you can
I havent been much fun this week or over the last couple of months.
Its been another heavy week on top of the heavy few months I have had.
It started with the police playing stupid games with me over my subject access request. It had been over a month since I put the request in, so I emailed them asking what was going on with it, to which they responded they had sent me the information I asked them for. They hadn’t. They responded by giving me only three heavily redacted transcripts of the dozens of calls to and from the police over the July/August. No body cam footage. They said they had no body cam footage. I had an email from someone else at the police telling me he had body cam footage. They tried to say they just couldn’t find it. Im now in possession of what seems to be just a portion of body cam footage. I would love to know what they are hiding behind their redactions and edits, as what I can see only proves that they were not on the night in question or since, concerned for my welfare or doing anything for my own good. What I have shows an entitled heavy handed uncaring and power drunk approach towards a mentally unwell woman who is classed as vulnerable by doctors etc.
Its been week two of my housing officer ignoring my emails after he to tried to play games with me over my subject access to them too. Sending me copies of a couple of letters I sent to them and their response.
College offered me very dangerous support and denied my appropriate support request which their now trying to go back on and say it was all a miss understanding after I said I wanted to complain.
My complaints to twitter over what I believe is a very dangerous person who will do someone emotional harm they wont come survive has just been ignored. I missed a lesson because of insomnia.
This is all on top of my normal housing and mental health issues. Noisy neighbours, banging on windows, people insistently ringing my intercom, vermin in the yard even during the day just feasting on rubbish and now scratching at the rat grids over my vents as they try to get back into my flat, my on going battle with mould and the absolute chaos in the car park etc etc etc; feeling heavily depressed, hallucinating the most distressing of which have been the flashing blue and red lights in the car park altho i dont think police cars have red lights on but in my mind they do but at least its an indication that I might be hallucinating, etc etc etc again.
Then theres the letters the housing want to PROVE I am in fact someone who has tried committing suicide before which arrived friday and which drag up my previous assault and abuse issues. Its like I will never be able to move on PROVE your not a lair to the court, PROVE your not a liar to people who don’t matter who are noisy busy bodies PROVE your not a liar even though you’ve already provided PROOF at least a dozen times just to get the decent treatment by official agencies that EVERYBODY should get.
I have an equally heavy but bizarre real life story for tonight blog post for you all. Its ready to go and will be up at nine.
I just wanted to say two things to all my twitter followers really-
Firstly thank you for your continued love and support. You are wonderful and I continue to appreciate you all and know I am very lucky to be blessed with knowing such a wonderful group of people, and the fact that that group of people just keeps on growing fills me with faith that the world might actually be more good than bad. I like you too prefer it when we are all experiencing good times together and sharing laughs and art work etc. I can’t wait for the day where I am filling your feed with my usual doodles etc but even more a time when I might be sharing some real work because I have the time, money and space to make it.
Secondly, again thank you for sticking with me through my dark times. I will keep fighting for me and for you. I know that injustice is something we have all faced in some form or another and I am passionate about changing that. This week I have felt like I have been fighting everything and everyone and that the world has been against me… Today this thought terrified me… because for all my faults and vulnerabilities I know that I am an exceptionally strong person if only because of my specific combination of mental health problems and I am also a fighter… But I am also thankful that I can fight and I will. Maybe I am delusion. Maybe I can’t change the world but I am certainly not going to give up because of one tiring week.
XOXO LOL
With love
Pixie
Announcement
Hi all,
I have promised to do hundreds of things for you since I joined twitter almost five years ago. Lots of these things have been forgotten, lost in my fast moving stream of tweets. Some of these things I did start to do, but had to stop due to the severe decline in my mental health and my awful living conditions. These are things like selling prints of my art work and making origami tutorials. Although I do hope to restart these things once my living conditions change and my mental health improves slightly, I unfortunately don’t see this happening any time soon.
Others though, some of which predate twitter, such as my novel and novella, bob on the water never disappearing but also never moving closer. Today I realised that all these things are writing related, such as my none fiction book, my auto biography and a mental health blog.
Probably not surprisingly to you I have seriously wanted to write for a career at points in my life. I mean I’m borderline I have wanted to do a lot of creative jobs. Probably surprisingly to you though, when I was a very young child I wanted to write fiction so much I would write stories, send them to publishers and then weirdly look forward to receiving their rejection letters.
I’m not a gifted writer, I’m probably not even an ok writer and I don’t think I am a great or even ok writer either. I know I could never have used my writing skills alone to get a bachelors degree in writing, the way I used my art skills alone to get a bachelors degree in art, even though i didn’t have enough G.C.S.E’s to even take an A level.
I have been trying to write though lately. After all my psychiatrist tells me I need hobbies and I need to invest time in my future while I wait to move and then wait again for my mental health to improve to the point where I am ready for therapies. I have even been focusing my efforts on one thing and one thing only, my novel. However several things have happened in such a short space of time that I can’t help connecting the dots and seeing a giant arrow pointing me in the direction of starting a blog. Yes, I know nobody blogs anymore, but you know that I don’t care what other people are doing. First things at my flat ramped up to the point I took it all public and then the police almost literally smashed their way into the public part of my life too. Finally I got accepted on to an English Language G.C.S.E. I have decided to give blogging a go, after all I need to practice my writing skills and currently I wan’t to do something that will shed light on how terribly the mentally ill are treated in the UK if not also the rest of the world and begin to try to start to change things. I have very short term plans that I hope to make into long term plans. I have nothing written yet and so I will be posting my first piece next week. I hope to start by writing a small series of autobiographical pieces with a common thread that will all come together to paint a picture that will hopefully explain a lot. I plan on posting every Sunday evening at nine o’clock UK time and hope to see you all there.
The psychotic girls guide to surviving the human apocalypse 