Introduction To My Series on Torus Housing

Hello.
Welcome back to the psychotic girls guide to surviving the human apocalypse, though, for now, not exactly as you know, may remember, or might like, it.

The content I will be writing certainly isn’t what I want to be writing, but it is now or never, as at best it might save my life, at worst I hope it will secure murder convictions for all those who are responsible for ending my life.

I understand this probably sound dramatic, but I assure you I am not being dramatic at all. If I don’t get the help I desperately need soon, these words will likely be coming to you from a body that can no longer speak and write, or beg and fight for help, because instead of residing in a mould and anti-social behaviour infested flat, it will be residing underground, cold and rotting. 

If you have read my blog in the past, or follow me on social media- mainly twitter, you may recall I took a break from writing my blog, around the June or July of 2022, to gather evidence for two on going issues I was dealing with. One of these issues I was gathering evidence of was the anti-socialnoise coming from both the flats directly above me, and next door to me, but in the block of flats that joins onto the side of my block. This noise was, and still is, exacerbating and triggering my disabilities – which are borderline personality disorder, non epileptic attack disorder, and (now) asthma.

My reasons, and plans, for gathering all this evidence was-

1. To give to the police (who said they wanted it, then never followed up)

2. To give to the housing association (in a way they could not deny I had evidence, and which would be availablefor an inquest into my death.)

3. To write a huge complaint to my housing association, which I would send privately by email as well as post a copy of on my blog, so that I left-
a. proof I sent it in, as it would be in my emails sent box

b. publicly available proof of what was in the complaint- again for an inquest.

c. but also to eventually send to the housing ombudsman.

You see for five years both me and my mum – on my behalf, have made complaints to my landlords/housing association, who are Liverpool Mutual homes/Torus, about both the mould and antisocial behaviour that have at best been ignored by them, and at worst has resulted in them saying I am the problem because I am disabled, while making derogatory and stigmatising remarks about my disability and how it affects me, and accusing my mum of being abusive, when she is  reasonably and understandably upset, and just sounds upset, all because we are asking for my flat to be made disabilitysafe/suitable, and when you understand the issue are noiseanti-social behaviour, mould and rats, it becomes even more clear that Torus are abusive and should not be allowed to be anybody’s landlords, as nobody, not even an non disabled person, could live in my flat and not become physically and mentally unwell, but I am not a physically or mentally well person to begin with.

Yet, when we then go to the housing ombudsman, we are told that have not given Torus sufficient opportunity to resolve my issues, and if my issues are in fact real Torus will deal with them as they are legally obligated to do so.

In the November and December of 2022, I resumed writing my blog, which included currently unpublished parts of my complaint, however I was too sick to keep it up.

Now almost a year on, I am forcing myself to start writing my complaint again, as well as hopefully some anecdotes of what has been happening to me over the last five years. 

These posts will have no schedule, in regards to when I write or publish them.

My intention is to write as much as I can when I can, while also gathering evidence, then publish both my writing and evidence once the part I have been working on is complete.

I would love to post it daily, but with everything that is going on and how sick I am, that’s probably impossible. It would be good if I could post weekly, but again that might not be doable every week. So, if I can only post some parts monthly, that is what I will do. 

If you are reading this, then my first piece is either up now for you to read, or will be up later today, depending on whether the mobile phone data gods are angry with me on the day, because as you probably already know, or have been able to guess, I don’t have home internet, and if I did have it, it would be money going to waste, because I have been trying to move out of that flat, and have gone through several periods where I have been unable to stay there over the last five years, that means I can’t get home internet, so have to use mobile data and Vodaphone aren’t happy that I only use my data.

Please, if helping me, is something you have the power to do, do it.

You won’t find anybody who will be more grateful for your help than me.

If not, I ask for your support in anyway you can give it. Please interact with these posts, and the links you followed to get here- comment, like, share, so that I can raise more awareness of my situation, and hopefully reach people who do have the power to help me.

Announcement

Return of my writing journal

For the next five weeks, I am afraid the only writing journal posts I will have for you will be,

• An hours log
• A pages log
• A dictionary corner post
• A commonly confused words post
• Alternative words posts

I apologise for this, but I wont be writing my plan for December until next week – Week starting Monday 5^th December 2022. Though I am behind on this months planning, I am actually getting back into things quicker that I thought, and un until now have just been going with the flow, while juggling- my Sunday autobiographical posts, my origami videos and my cross stitching. Honestly, I did not even think my writing journal would be back so soon. Even though I’m sorry the first few weeks won’t be fully what you are used to, hopefully after that the Wednesday posts will be better than ever.

Love,

Pix

Possibly the last blog post I will ever make

Trigger warning- detail about suicidal thoughts and sexual assault.

Hi,

I am writing this out without any forethought or any editing after, because I suppose it is simply just a journal entry, a spewing out of my current thoughts onto the internet where one day they might help someone else.

Disclaimer, I’m very mentally unwell right now so I apologise if this is rambley or confusing in anyway.

Also, I am currently still not blogging and am taking a break from social media, as I am trying to withdraw from having contact with society as much as possible so that I my illnesses can not be triggered because of how severely ill I am right now.

It’s so weird writing this and knowing that when you read this I might be speaking to you from beyond the grave. Woooooo. I’m behind you. Boo.

No, I’m not really, I’m far too busy doing Ouija board tricks for caffeinated drinks and sugary snacks, or being the cool ghost that scares the teenagers that venture into my graveyard at night.

However you can also hire me to make your walls bleed or play with your kids toys, I take payment in caffeine and sugar, thank you.

If you don’t know me already, I am Pixie Vannucci and I am classed as a severely disabled person. I am disabled by mental illness. I have co morbid borderline personality disorder, adjustment disorder, and non epileptic attack disorder. For the last couple of years I have been advocating for destigmatisation and better understanding of complex and stigmatised mental illnesses, as well as against appropriating and faking of mental illness.

Appropriating and faking of mental illness is a very big problem which comes from this untrue narrative that our society puts out that everybody suffers with and struggles with their metal health all the time and in equal ways.

In fact the entire reason that I am writing this post is to hopefully stop faking and appropriation of mental illness, or at least make people understand mental health is actually not the same as mental illness and/or disability related to mental illness.

In 2018 I lost my job because my employer refused to give me disability adjustments because, “everyone struggles with mental health, so we cant give you special treatment.”

I have since been put in disability inappropriate accommodation for the same reason. And I am going to very likely die in this disability inappropriate accommodation for the same reason.

I have stress related seizures which can be triggered by different things, but the big two are noise and visual stimulation. I have been put in a flat with noisy neighbours above me and next door to me. I have been forced to have seizures for four years because my neighbours right to be anti social is apparently greater than my right not to have seizures. If I fall during one of these seizures I could smash my head open or break my neck etc and die.

For almost the same amount of time it has been triggering my suicidal episodes. I am a two time suicide survivor and my last attempt was about three months before they moved me into this flat. A flat they knew had antisocial behaviour including lots of noise, where they knew I would need rat poison and where there are plenty of places for me to hang myself that actually don’t need to be there, and wouldn’t be there if they had given me disability appropriate accommodation.

However non of that really matters anymore as the noise is now triggering the thoughts that don’t feel like mine, which can control me. These thoughts tell me to do things such as set myself on fire, cut my throat and jump in front of lorries. I am not telling you these things to upset you or shock you. I am telling you so that you understand the seriousness of my situation.

The people who can help me wont. This is my housing association, the police, and the local council. In fact they are actually really very dangerously ablest and just threaten to have me sectioned which really wouldn’t help me, when I ask for help with moving out of this flat and making it safe for me while I wait to move. Let me be very clear on this, being sectioned because I am disabled and have no disability equality is in itself disability inequality, I should have the same rights as a physically disabled person to life a safe, free and independent life, and sectioning me because I have no equality rights as a mentally disabled person really is just going to want to make me die more, like the fact that the police can just hit me “for my own good”does. Also being in hospital is not just bad for people with bpd, being constantly surrounded by other sick people isn’t going to help me, and if they decide I am still a danger to myself so they need to watch me all the time so therefore watch me shower and shit, as someone who has survived rape and sexual assaults several times, that probably just going to cause me to come straight out of hospital and make another attempt on my life.

What I desperately need right now, right at this very moment is not just to be alone in my own flat and rest, but to have peace and quiet and know that there is no danger of my neighbours upstairs or next door making noise, and as they have been approached about the noise several times the only thing that is going to stop them is them being moved out right now.

Then I need to be moved from this flat into disability appropriate accommodation as soon as possible so that I can start to get myself well enough for therapies.

Every time my neighbours next door or upstairs make noise now even for a second that is enough to trigger one or multiple episodes straight away because of the stress living here for four years has caused me.

I am very scared, and I truly believe that I am going to die because of this flat and soon.

So, I have made a very hard decision. I have always been afraid of people seeing my dead body. I don’t know why I just have. Despite that I am giving any anti suicide or mental “health” charity, except mind because they really do push stigma and encourage people to fake and appropriate, permission to show my body if I die by suicide, seizure or accident in this flat, which I believe due to the nature of the violent suicidal urges I have will be in an awful state to show the state of my body to campaign against people who ARE NOT MENTALLY ILL OR DISABLED BY MENTAL ILLNESS appropriating and faking mental illness for any reason but especially to get them special treatment.

What I mean by this is things like time off work but also an issue that is going to contribute to my death. People who need to move home for any reason including physical disability (and listen I do believe people with physical disabilities need to be made a rehousing priority too but based on their real circumstances, real disability and real symptoms) saying they are suffering with poor mental health and are suicidal due to their housing situation WHEN THEY AREN’T. Listen, if they seriously are suicidal its fine for them to tell the truth. The purpose of this post is because I want to help the genuinely suicidal. But its not fine for them to lie to make themselves a priority.

I keep being told that there are people with physical disability who are suicidal because they need appropriate accommodation which if they are telling the truth they do need rehousing, however if they are saying this to be made a priority then its not ok because they are being made a priority not just above other physically disabled people who are telling the truth and not lying to get special treatment, but above people like me whose disability causes them to be suicidal and who have tried to take their own life in the past, that are stuck in unsuitable accommodation that is triggering their suicidal or life threatening episodes.

Society has said its fine for the well to appropriate mental illness to gain whatever they want and its not.

I’m sick of seeing this being encouraged by both people who use it for social media “clout” and mental health “campaigners” who say things like its ok to not be ok. Listen I get the sentiment they’re trying to push but as a person severely disabled by mental illness I can tell you that it is not ok to not be ok. Yes you are allowed to not be ok if you are really not ok, but it is not ok for you to not be ok. You should have access to help and support and unfortunately you wont get it because everyone who is ok is talking about how they aren’t ok and taking up resources the people who genuinely aren’t ok need to be ok, while also drowning out our voices and excluding us from the conversation around mental health, wellbeing, illness, and disability simply because we are actually ill and disabled.

People disabled by mental illness like me are not only losing our jobs because we are disabled, we are losing our lives.

I truly hope that I do come out of this alive, and I am fighting to, I promise.

But if I do die, I want my advocacy work to live on, because its never been just about me. In fact it would be easier for me to live my life keeping my disabilities a secret and fighting privately, but I chose not to do that along time ago, for all the people who have already lost their lives needlessly due to inequality, police brutality, poor medical services and faking and appropriation, and who will in the future if nobody does something to change things.

If I leave any message for the world I want it to be that misunderstanding, stigma, inequality, and faking and appropriating mental illness KILLS.

And honestly I think people have become so detached from the reality of suicide, I mean we cant even say the word on social media, let alone talk about its causes and effects, that they no longer understand it’s a real thing unless they have actually been personally touched by it. People have to find their loved ones bodies in terrible states after suicide and those of us who know what its truly like to be suicidal often attempt suicide in places and ways where our loved ones will never have to see us afterwards.

I think the world is full of compassionateless selfish people who are well and know they are well but just love the benefits saying they are stressed, anxious and even suicidal gets them.

And I think they need to see the reality of their actions.

I think they need to see the reality of what a body looks like after someone takes their own live, someone who asked for help because they were genuinely mentally ill and got told they couldn’t have special treatment because a well person was saying they felt suicidal to jump a queue or get time off work etc. Because it is not special treatment if we need it to help us manage or survive our disability. Saying it is, is like saying people who get to use wheel chairs are getting special treatment because you get tired walking and therefore demanding a wheel chair when there is nothing wrong with you and leaving an immobile person to literally starve to death in their own home because you took the last wheelchair.

You can see the evidence that I have managed to get of the noise nuisance, some of which I have already submitted and/or tried to submit to my landlord but have been told “its not good enough because Im filming it on my phone” but which a couple of random strangers have been able to name songs from, on youtube so it cant be that bad, but guess what if it is and they know that the cause of that is in fact my mobile phone there is a volume button on their computer that they can use to off set the lowness of the recording because its being recorded on a phone which they clearly know gives a lower recording than other devices made specifically to record.

Other than that I will be fighting my battle privately now until one of three things happens, they move me, they move my neighbours for my safety, or I lose my battle with my several disabilities.

I hope to write again in the future. I hope to see you all and talk to you in the future. But please know if I don’t that your support meant a lot to me. And there are still people out there like me who need it desperately.

Pix x

P.S- If I survive this and you are a mental illness or suicide prevention charity please get in touch with me. I have been in and out of out patient and in patient care for my mental health since I was 14 or 15, thats 20 years, and I know other people in the same situation, I can tell you exactly what is wrong with our mental health systems/s. I can also tell you exactly what is wrong with our disability rights towards the mentally ill when it comes to housing and work etc. And I can tell you all about the stigma and disinformation, and lack of education that also leads to unnecessary suffering and death.

It is time we helped increase the volume of the voices of those who truly suffer with mental illness and disability caused by mental illness above those who don’t as we can not only bring about real and meaningful changes for the mentally ill and disabled but those who truly are also suffering with mental health and well being issues.

Announcement

Hi guys,

I’m really sorry, but I somehow mixed up last weeks and this weeks running journal entries.

It’s the first time I have made a mistake like this, and I’ll try my best not to make it again.

Writing Overview

-Hours owed from last week = 1 hour 7 minutes

-Hours planned for this week = 15

*Total hours to do this week = 16.07

Hours done =11 hours 30 minutes

*Hours owed= 4 hours 37 minutes

Completed blog post = unknown

Announcement

The start of my writing journal

And

Writing tips

Hi guys,

I have been saying I am going to start a writing journal, similar to my running journal, as well as my own writing tips, for a while now.

Well, I have finally started.

My journal will follow a similar set up to my running journal, there will be plans, a journal, a schedule, and overviews. Hopefully in the future there will also be guides, but for now I’m starting small.

My tips will for now be

-Words to use instead off

+A definition of that word

-Words that are commonly confused words

+The definition of those words

+Words to use instead of those words.

Again in the future I’m hoping to expand on this.

I hope to see you all on Wednesdays at 9 pm my time. AGAIN!

Love y’all

Pix

Running Schedule

Phase 3 – Week 13

Monday: 2 laps of, 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking =3.324 miles

Tuesday: Rain

Wednesday: 2 laps of, 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking =3.324 miles

Thursday: 1/2 a lap of, 3 1/2 minutes running, 1 1/2 minutes walking = 0.831 miles

Friday: Rest day

Saturday: Rain

Sunday: Fall

Total laps= 5 1/2

Total miles: 7.579

Total miles run= 5.3053

Total miles walked: 2.2737

Total run: 70%

Total walk: 30%

A Long Way From Home

The story took place before both the incident at Alexandra Palace and the cocktail bar. However, I have left it until last and made it an entirely separate post, because I personally wasn’t assaulted in anyway during this event.

A small group of us had been for a night out in central London, but I don’t recall which part of Central, or what clubs we had been to. I don’t even remember everybody who was with us. I know that there was me, S, Amy, Adam, Johnny, and Hannah, and that we had gotten off the bus we were on in Wood Green, because we thought we needed to change buses, only to discover that we should have stayed on the bus we were on. So, we were all a bit pissed off on top of tired, drunk, and nervous.

Although looking back, I doubt any of the stories were true, us girls had heard a lot of horror stories about the things that happened in Wood Green. The one that haunted me was a story Amy told me, that she claimed Hannah had told her. According to Hannah, a friend of her friend, had been raped outside the shopping centre in Wood Green, during the middle of the day, while people either walk by or watched. Nobody had attempted to help her or call the police.

The street was that eerie, cold, quiet and empty, that it only ever gets during the early hours of the morning. So we were a combination of surprised and wary, when a short, fat, man, who was alone, approached us and began talking to the boys.

Me and S had already been slightly apart from the rest of the group, chatting, but as soon as the man came over, S moved us further away. The two of us seemed to get a bad vibe from the stranger, but the man who we were with engaged him in conversation.

Due to us being separated from the rest of the group, I honestly don’t know how he went from talking to the boys to groping the girls, even though I never took my eyes off the suspicious stranger. I do recall that he went after the single women first, so although I didn’t hear any of the conversation, he had obviously gotten enough information from it to decide which girls might be particularly vulnerable.

At this point, S was shifting beside me as though he might get involved. I held onto him silently, worried that’s what he would do, and end up hurt as a result. After all, we didn’t know if this man had a weapon on him.

When all the single girls protectively huddled together, and began arguing with the man, he was undeterred, he simply turned his back on the women who were now proving not to be as vulnerable as he assume they would be, and started groping Amy and Hannah instead. It was only then, when what they with hindsight obviously viewed as their own, or their friends, property, were being targeted, that the boys got involved in the argument, and even then, the way they were interacting with him was strange. It was as though they were attempting to reason with him, and we’re afraid of him. Not that I would have wanted aggression or violence from the boys, but I expected them to easily chase him off, being that he was extremely outnumbered.

It appeared to me that the level of respect and fear they were showing him, came from a single threat that he kept repeating – “I’ll call my boys, ye. I’m from Croydon, ye. They are from Croydon, ye.”

What was even more weird about the boy’s reaction to this, was that Adam was from Croydon as well, and had friends both in and from Croydon, therefore, Adam could have easily made the same threat.

The longer the argument went on, the more hysterical and afraid the boys seem to become.

Eventually, S broke free of my grip and stepped forward, positioning himself between me and the group, who were in between him and the man, and in a calm and polite, but also amused and authoritative tone, project his own voice above all the others, causing everybody else to stop speaking and pay attention to him. “You said your boys are in Croydon, yes? How are they going to get here when you call them?”

“They drive,” the man said, in a manner that suggested he considered the question to be both stupid and irrelevant.

“You better tell them to drive fast when you call them then, because you’re a long way from home,” S laughed.

There was a minute of dead silence. Then the man backed up a good few metres, before turning in sprinting away.

Announcement

A quick note, or rather an apology, before today’s post.

As you all know, I am very unwell with my mental health and as a result I struggle to concentrate. The last few weeks my mental health has been worse than it usually is. As you might have guessed from last weeks post, I’ve been struggling to complete the second part of this story. To be honest I’ve been struggling to even start it, so I have decided to split it up into three parts, with the hope that having smaller sections to work on will finally help me complete it. However, all three parts will be published on the same day.

Announcement

Hey guys just a quick announcement.

Over the next 6-8 weeks I will be telling some shorter Sunday stories, for two reasons:

Firstly, college is coming to an end, so I need to do a lot of revision and to go in for several exams.

Secondly, I want to both get back on track for my main blog goal, while continuing with the other things I have started alongside it. To do both now requires a few shorter stories to not only move all three of those areas along, but also because two of those things are going to temporarily meet.

I have no idea where my blog will go after the eight weeks, only that it will continue, and hopefully grow, for which I have a million ideas.

I want to thank all my long time readers for there continued support. I appreciate your support. It means everything to me. I love you all.

xo xo

lol lol

Pixie 🤣

Sunday Autobiographic Journal entry

If you haven’t read my last two autobiographical Sunday blog posts, I would recommend that you read those before you read this one. They are all separate stories, but they are all connected and posted in chronological order. This is the last of the three stories.

These three stories will be followed by three journal entries about my problems dealing with the NHS, as an NHS dental patient. The first of which will be posted next week.

Journal entry

As you know; I am currently going through a period of reflection, after what I believe was some type of manic episode; as well as simultaneously trying to sort through the chaos I created during this episode; while completing the dozens of blog posts I started to write, before moving onto the bigger writing projects that I began to plan.

It has taken me over a week to complete the first task that I chose to concentrate on, which was starting an online running journal.

While I was completing this task, I had a lot of time to consider what I was going to tackle next. I’ve chosen to reflect on my ongoing health issues.

There are so many reasons for this, which I will discuss as, and when I encounter them.

I don’t know why I chose to begin with my dental problems, but it seems like fate that I did, because this week has been dominated by these problems

My plan initially was to write three very short autobiographical stories and two journal entries, then release them all together.

However, I have encountered several issues with this:

1. The events of Tuesday have taken a much bigger toll on my already fragile mental health than I first realised they had.

2. My current low mood means that I am struggling to motivate myself to start writing, and when I do manage to pick up my pen what I want to say and why I want to say it isn’t coming easily for me. Then I am having a hard time concentrating on, and persevering with, writing.

3. Although each of the three stories aren’t as long as my usual blog posts, they are actually full stories, and together will be much longer than what I usually post. Trying to write them all together it is likely going to result in me running out of time, therefore causing strange breaks in the stories, and will definitely lead to the already low quality of my writing being compromised further.

4. I’ve really struggled with reliving the events of the first story which I didn’t expect as it happened over twenty years ago, and what I personally remember is very little. I admit that I do not understand how other people experience emotions, or why, so I don’t know whether it’s going to be a difficult read for other people. Though I doubt that it will, I have decided not to pile heavy stories on top of each other. Hopefully this will give us all some time to recover in between each story.

My new plan is to release each short autobiographical story over the next three weeks, one story at a time. Beyond deciding that this series of posts will be published in chronological order, meaning the journal entries will be released last, I haven’t decided exactly when, or how, the journal entries will be released. I will update you as soon as I know.

Journal update

Running

Part 3: 2021

In January and February this year, so very recently as we are still in February as I write this, and likely will be when I post it, I was struggling with some sort of manic, paranoid episode. One of my symptoms was that I had tons of this uncomfortable, frantic energy, which meant that I couldn’t sit still, so even though I was struggling to go outside, I was determined to get back into running.

As well as being a binge eater, I have a problem with spending money. Having gone to the supermarket to buy food, I somehow ended up in the magazine section, drawn their by an odd impulsive urge to buy, among other magazines, a health magazine. That is when, and how, I saw it. It felt like a sign from the universe. The February, UK issue, of running world, which included a how to start running guide.

Wondering what exactly I was doing wrong, and feeling like the universe had brought us together, I bought it.

It lay on my coffee table, in it’s untouched plastic wrapper, for a couple of weeks. When I finally opened it and began reading the guide, I was immediately put off by the seven week walking plan. I threw it back on the table, and it stayed there again until two weeks ago.

I had an English lesson that Wednesday at six in the evening, so although I needed to get dressed, I wasn’t planning to leave the flat that day. After breakfast, I realised I had been so out of it on my night meds when I woke up, that I hadn’t taken my morning meds. That’s when I discovered I had forgotten to put a prescription in on the Monday, and if I didn’t do it that day, I would run out of meds before my prescription was ready.

As I struggle to get myself washed and dressed, my podgy belly and meat sacks kept getting in my way, and I became distraught after catching my reflection in the mirror.

That is what spurred me to start the seven week walking plan that very same day. A couple of days later, I decided that it might be a good idea to start keeping a running journal.

It should come as no surprise to anybody that I am struggling to keep up the walking, and that my journal is an incoherent, mixed up mess. For these reasons, I have decided to use my blog to help me write my journal, and hopefully also to keep me motivated. Maybe it will even help to inspire and motivate others.

With all this now said, I am both excited and stressed out to announce, that I will be adding a Friday blog post to my schedule, that is a weekly running journal entry.

Hopefully you will not only read it, but come on this journey with me.

Journal update

For anybody who is wondering why I haven’t written a journal entry since November, the answer is that I have tried to several times over the last few months, but whenever I try it feels like the issues I am currently dealing with are bigger than a quick update post. Add on top of that the fact that it has been a very busy and bad few months and you get a recipe for unproductive ranting in the journalling area. Top that recipe off with what I can only describe as an episode of mania; which then adds chaos, a lack of concentration and disorganisation to the mix,and I’m surprised I managed to get anything done over the last few weeks.

During the last few weeks I have started several writing projects, blog post and journal entries, that I not only didn’t finish, but which are now all jumbled up.

I might be wrong, but I feel like my mania broke yesterday. My mood plummeted, which is not to say that I am depressed, but that I felt my frantic energy drop. Then I began crying, not because I was upset, but because I felt as though I had been determinedly battling against unbeatable odds, with a mind that was telling me it wasn’t that the odds were against me, it was that I wasn’t fighting hard enough. That’s not to say I am giving up on anything, just that I am now acknowledging that I need to reassess whats realistic at this point, revise some “plans”, and maybe take a step back from some things until the timing is better.

Today I am feeling a strong urge to begin reflecting on everything that has happened since I last journaled, as well as to start trying to sort through the chaos. I even know where I want to begin, and why.

Annoucement

Just a quick completely all over the place update today guys.

So as you have probably noticed my blog has already changed and grew and awful lot in the roughly six months that I have been writing it… yes six months has almost passed since I started writing this blog… no I cant believe it either.

What I cant believe even more is that I haven’t missed a single post in that entire time… although I know I have had to split up stories to achieve this and I am still looking to improve my writing and get faster so I can go back to a single post per story.

I have even started adding additional things such as note book notes and autobiographical stories from my english language classes as well as emails that are relevant to posts I am going to write in the future. I sometimes even journal.

Not only this but my autobiographical stories that were the entire content of my blog when I started have begun branching off into different areas as I try to juggle everything that is relevant in my life right now.

As you probably seen I hit a milestone I never ever expected to pass, last week the number of countries my blog has been read in hit 25. Thank you too everybody who viewed my blog, you did that for me and I am so grateful and feel so loved.

I promised I would find a way to make my blog better for all of you… this is not it…I still have no idea how I am going to do that.

This is just an announcement of some much needed changes but it will provide more posts per week my new posing schedule is

Mondays

• Updates or amendments to any English language notes (not regular just as and when one pops up)
• Poetry tips! (regular but temporary for now roughly six weeks worth if posts for now to be reviewed based on content available and if you guys want more)

Tuesday

• Exam and essay writing notes (not regular as a follow up to any Wednesday or Thursday posts)

Wednesday

• Writing tips
• short autobiographical dramatised english language stories (not regular as and when I get time or one is appropriate temporary while my course work provides it)

Thursday

• Reading tips

Friday

• College application emails (to go with future post again temporary)

Saturday

• Iopc complaint emails (temporary to go with future post)
• police data protection emails (temporary to go with future post)

Sunday

• an autobiographical post (either about my experience with the police or criminal justice system, nhs, or work related or to go with a college short story)

I am trying to get on top of this stuff now so I can start moving forward with other plans I had for posts when I first started as well as new ideas for posts I have had recently.

Love you all x

Announcement for today’s blog post

For those of you who remember when I had a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, with a likely combination of either Bipolar Two or Cyclothymia, and Major Depressive Disorder, you will know what I mean when I say that I feel as though I am currently experiencing a manic type of episode. For those of you who don’t know what I mean when I say this; I am almost not sleeping at all; I can’t concentrate on anything at all, and I am flitting from one thing to another, or getting distracted by something else mid task, then not realising I’ve done this until hours later when I realise I have started ten tasks, and haven’t finished any of them; I also repeat the same actions, or tasks over and over again, all day, every day. Seeing as I no longer have a diagnosis that includes any type of Bipolar, I can only assume that I am on a very worrying downward spiral again, with my comorbid Borderline Personality Disorder and Adjustment Disorder, because of this flat.

This is my first time experiencing one of these extreme manic type episode since I started writing my blog. I believe this is the seventh blog post I have started writing this week and it is only Thursday. It was because of this inability to stay on topic, I do struggle with this normally but it’s currently completely out of my control, on Monday, that I noticed something was wrong. No matter what I tried to write it kept turning into a rant about my past work places. I keep wondering where my workplace “delusions” and “paranoia” began, and when they became something that controlled me.

Seeing as I am now writing about my life and journalling, I’ve decided to try and write it out, to see how it goes, and where it leads. Since starting this blog I have always intended to write about my employment experiences, because workplace “paranoia” and “delusions” is the BPD symptom that seems to affect me the most. For this reason I feel less guilty for getting off my current topic again, as I imagine my next few weeks of Sunday blog post, are going to be the beginning of a new series of blog posts, about my employment history.

I want you all to know that I am not abandoning my current topic for this new topic. These two things, are things, that I feel very strongly about, and which are equally as important to me.

Today however I have a story for you that is part of both this new series on my old series.

Today I’m going to tell you about the time I was interviewed by the police, because my employer accuse me of stealing from them. Next week, I’m going to tell you all about the time that same employer accused me of fraud.

Introduction to this weeks Wednesday blog post

Months ago, I promise you all that I would start posting some of my English assignments on a Wednesday, in particular the writing assignments. Then a few weeks ago I promise to post the story that I achieved my grade seven on, in my mock exam (apparently a grade 7 is an A to A*).

Well, here it is, I am finally making good on my promise.

This story is based on real events, but is not one hundred percent accurate…

…so I decided to write some autobiographical companion pieces. The first of which will be released in place of my Sunday autobiographical post.

I know I am once again straying from my planned posts, but these pieces are a very good look into how Borderline Personality Disorder can effect your day-to-day life, especially when you are undiagnosed.

Update/ Journal entry

Right so I think this is my final update about whats been going on over the last few weeks

In medical news again

I got my flu jab so hopefully I wont die of flu this year.

I am not diabetic so the only thing I can think of is that I am hallucinating tastes again which would make sense because the taste and smell ones seem to come with my seizures and I have been extremely seizurish lately usually though its unpleasant smells and tastes.

My favourite old glasses came back to the opticians. I went in today to get some measurements done for my special lenses and they will be back next week.

I am trying to decide if I want my feet broken and reshapen and I really think I do.

In police news

My response to my complaint came through it basically said they are allowed to injure and intimidate people as long as they are mentally ill and that the polices job security is more important than the person they have been sent to do a welfare check ons welfare and safety.

I have referred it on to the police commissioners office. They have already told me that I wont get the outcome I want but I am going through all the channels I can with this I am not giving up and if I have to take meaningless steps in between the meaningful ones thats what I’ll do.

House news.

Things are shitter than ever the man who screams obscenities and bangs on everyones windows is back. He was out Monday night in the carpark screaming and banging and inside the block next door doing the same thing. Either Wednesday or Thursday night someone one in the next black was banging what sounded like a door all night. I al stupidly tired and emotional this flat will be the death of me. If the seizures don’t get me I am pretty sure that I am not far off having a stress related stroke.

Update/ Journal entry

I dont know what was worse sunday night or last night.

Sunday night it was nice and quiet, but cos my sleeping patterns fucked went to bed and couldn’t sleep. At two when I finally got tired I went to bed only to have my neighbour come home at that exact moment, which seems to happen every night now. I sweat he waits for taxi fares in the car park and when he sees my lights go off he comes in if he’s not got a job. He stomps in turns his TV on and starts moving furniture about. I got back up for a bit but when I went back fo bed I had a seizure then I had a second seizure. I had all this weird energy after it even tho I was tired and got back up. I started listening to a podcast got half way through and had another seizure.

I tried to go to sleep just after lunch time and as soon as I did his girl friend and a kid arrived and the turned the music on loud. I couldn’t sleep. After five I had a seizure that was so bad that i fell asleep but I kept waking up on the verge of seizures and having them all night long.

I woke up after lunch time today more tired than I was yesterday and feeling sick smelling of seizures.

I had to phone my psychiatrist today. I was meant to have a psychiatrist appointment on the first but because of the terrible signal at my flat I have to go to my mums for the appointment but I can’t because of lock down.

The appointments woman told me to just go outside. You know outside where everyone can hear my private mental health business and see the melt down I have whenever I have to speak to this clueless man. Also outside where they know I have been attacked by a neighbour and where random neighbours regularly freak out. Thats safe.

After she changed my appointment she told me remember if you are feeling bad in between your new appointment and now call us to speak to the crisis team. I said to her I am not being funny but if I was in a crisis situation again I would go somewhere else I came to your crisis team for help once because I was suicidal and they turned me away. I tried to kill myself afterwards.

She immediately got snotty with me and said well I have given you the option. The option to what come in saying I am scared I am going to set myself in fire and be asked if you really want to die haven’t you done it yet?

As a facility that deals with mentally vulnerable people I would say this attitude is a giant problem. You say you let me down and they get snotty. I complained after but I am sure James still works there and is still pushing suicidal people over the edge.

Oh also I went for a run today it wasn’t great I walked a large part of it and had to stop twice because my hallucinations were so bad.

Right back to the update in medical news

My knee started to swell back up and I had constant pain in it all the time again. I also had this sweet taste in my mouth that everyone was like its diabetes.

For some reason because of covid my doctors have stopped future appointments you have to phone up at eight am on the day which I obviously can’t do. I put in a complaint about this and heard nothing back.

I decided to phone and ask whether I could get a future dated appointment I was so stressed out with my pile of growing problems that I was crying so she actually gave me one. I asked for a double appointment because I had four things and explained what the four things were and the receptionist told me that the 20 minutes would be long enough.

When the doctor phoned me the next day he didn’t want to refer me to neurology for my seizures even though both my psychiatrist and a nurse had said I really need to be re referred. I was referred when I got out of hospital two years ago and the sent me an appointment. Then they sent me a letter saying they cancelled it and to phone them to make another. I did this and was told they would send me one out in the post, instead I got a letter saying I missed the appointment that they cancelled but that the reason for my seizures was medication I was put on after the seizures started. The doctors told me they wouldn’t re refer me because the neurology department should give me another appointment and the neurology department said the doctors needed to re refer me so I went back wards and forwards for two months.

He referred for a diabetes blood test but told me he didn’t want to.

Told me my knee xrays were fine like I am a liar but prescribed me a cream for it.

Then at fourteen minutes he refused to see me about the ADHD referral and told me off for four minutes about having other patients to see. He said I would have to make another appointment for it and hung up. It was only eighteen minutes into my appointment. I lost six minutes of my appointments. I was in tears because I had waited so long for to get an appointment.

My pharmacy didn’t have the cream until the next day which was Friday and when I come to use it it told me not to take it because I have asthma.

On the Monday I phoned back and explained this and was told again I needed to phone the next day at eight. I complained about having a double appointment I didn’t get so they made me an appointment wit a nurse the next day. She told me to use the cream like I was being awkward. She did however put my ADHD referral through. She said he should have done it. There was a letter on file from my psychiatrist asking for it to be done.

I am finally getting a new pair of glasses after four years. My new opticians were shocked that my old opticians didn’t pick up my cornea issue and were even more shocked they had refused to change my glasses for appropriate lenses for this and weren’t sure how I had been getting by for the last two years. It’s simple I had mo choice you fucking do what you have to to survive

Update/ Journal entry

I am up at four in the morning after having no sleep and two seizures, or at least I think I have had two seizures. So I have decided to write out todays blog post now and schedule it to post by itself at nine tonight.

Firstly In mental health news.

Im still waiting to be contacted about my Autism assessment.

I am now waiting for a neurology assessment because of my seizures, but they have contacted to tell me theres a long waiting list at the minute because of covid.

And I have finally been put on the four year waiting list to see if I have ADHD which has taken so long that its only happened a couple of weeks from my next three monthly psychiatrist appointment.

At which I am planning on being shouted at because

1. cant fit 3 buspirone doses into a single day. This is because I try to go to bed sometime in between 10 and 12 at night. The noise usually keeps me awake but if I do get asleep my neighbour upstairs comes home at 1 2 3 or 4 wakes me up and then has his tv or music on for sometimes hours. I am on anti psychotics so after getting to sleep at 5 6 or 7 I sleep through my alarm and usual drag myself out if bed at around 1 or 2 in the after noon so im only out of bed four what 8 to 10 hours a day.

2. I wrote him a seething letter a month or so ago and I know hes read it because hes sort of responded.

Either way the delay in the ADHD thing is due to my GP’s covid rules. They no longer let you make future dated doctors appointments, which is obviously an issue for me because I am on anti psychotic medication and dont get asleep till like 5 or 6 in the morning. As though I can then get up to phone them at eight to make an on the day appointment. I have wrote a complaint about it and had no responce. That was months ago.

I have been struggling lately I say this like I dont always struggle but the seizures have been getting more frequent again.

Last week I spent the majority of the last week or two crying because of every different emotion from happiness to grief.

I feel like I have been getting in to arguments with dangerous ignorant people a lot online too.

The thing that annoys me most is people giving out dangerous information. Usually people do it with out knowing it and are willing to admit their mistake but their are a small group of people who continue to do it even though they know its dangerous and this bothers me so much because one day they are going to give that information out to someone who will harm or kill themselves because of it.

Second most annoying are the people who suffer with normal human emotions and think they know what mental illness is and what its like to live with it because of this. There is nothing that ignites my borderline rage more than somebody trying to give me advice about what helped them when they were ill or telling me they suffer with a mental illness or mental health issues only for me to ask what illness they have with genuine interest and be told anxiety or stress. Fuck off and start being grateful your brain is a healthy brain, fucking hell.

Lastly are the ignorant people who have no experience an just like to give their completely useless opinions just to make all the battles I face as a currently unwell person with life long illness even harder.

I plan on writing more in detailed posts about issues like this hopefully in the not to distant future.

Update/ Journal Entry

Hi guys

It feels like forever, but my last update was only 20 day ago. Maybe that is too long. Maybe it is not long enough. Let me know the feed back so far has been great in the sense that it has been much appreciated and far more than I expected. I would love to hear more from you about what you want more of, and also for you to give me your best worst comments if that makes sense, we only learn from others compliments and criticisms, they are a pair you can’t learn from one without the other.

So much has happened that I decided that it was time to write again. I tried to do it all in one post and honestly because I am using my phone it just isn’t possible because of either my dodgy mobile phone data that only works sometimes and or the word press app is just slow and freezes. Also its a lot. So I have decided to do it in several posts across the next few days.

First things first- blog news.

Sorry guys the segmented autobiographical Sunday posts are going to stay as they are for a while. My goal is to get them back to being a full story in a single post eventually, but I am just not a fast enough righter and I write everything out on paper four or five times before using my phone to type it up so its not ideal. So for now I would rather post something well written every week for you that will get to where we are going in the end.

This current story running will run four parts. Part one went up last week. Part two goes has gone up tonight. Part three is written and will go up next week. And part four is still unwritten. I will try and get it done this week.

The next story is still unplanned to the point I am not sure myself what it will be. I will also try and get that planned this week.

I have decided that every week there isn’t a english writing assignment to post I will keep posting an additional note book post.

However I do have an assignment I plan on sharing as soon as I can copy it out in writing then type it up. I only have it saved in photographs right now, as it is on a returned test that I got back last week.

And yes it is the story that got me part of my Grade 7. I hoping it will be a nice change as my english teacher wrote ha ha ha all over it so hopefully I will leave you smiling for a change.

Sort of quick off topic I had my first mock english language test and got a Grade 7 the highest is a Grade 9 and a pass or a C is a Grade 4. This is a particularly sweet victory as I have met some discrimination from the college due to there lack of support for mentally Ill people. I am thinking about doing some posts on that however I might have to interrupt the current series of sunday posts to do it so let me know how you all feel about that.

Back on track. I have a new set of posts coming guys. It is temporary. I wont say what it is all I will say is see you Saturday at nine uk time.

Yes all posts, post at nine now and are scheduled in advance. So if you don’t see a social media post about it you can be sure it will be up regardless, so for the foreseeable future I will be posting Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday.

Finally with the blog news. I no longer have a proof reader so you are stuck with me now. All I can say is good luck with this one guys. The reason is that my proof reading was done by a friend who decided that for some reason he no longer wanted anything to do with me and as it was the second time he has done this I have made it a permanently ended friendship. Some how he has taken offence to this but I really couldn’t give less of a fuck.

Maybe more on that later but probably not anyway hopefully I will be true to my word and give you another update tomorrow.

Update?/ Journal entry?

I thought I would sit down, and take some time to give you all a quick update on life I suppose, as I’ve been a bit erratic with my social media use lately.

So first things first- my blog

I will still be posting an autobiographical story every Sunday, but I might have to break some of them into two or three parts for the time being as I am struggling writing them for several reason, my mental health being the biggest reason.

When I have a writing task I have completed for college I will be sharing it of a Wednesday. This will probably remain erratic for now sorry. However once I am into the swing if things I am thinking of setting myself my own writing tasks based on how the exam questions work for practice so I will start sharing that too.

I have struggled a lot, or at least I feel I have, with writing because I never understood it had rules, which isn’t all my fault as I have told teachers and tutors this in the past and got no response that this isn’t true, so now I have discovered there are rules I am going to maybe share a rule I like or have found particularly helpful on a Thursday. These aren’t tips from me they are tips I have been given which I am trying to learn to use.

I have been thinking about maybe doing more journaling as a way to try and improve my writing, and keep you all up to date a little bit better but I am not sure how much you would all be interested, and I’ve been thinking of maybe trying to do a my day in pictures like I used to on twitter once things start getting a bit better because it would literally just be me sitting in my pyjamas, or running clothes when I haven’t been running and looking like shit because I never sleep and have been suffering with seizure symptoms a lot more recently.

Either way if you’re interested in either of those things let me know an I might try and work it in as weekly or monthly thing for now.

In mental health news

Most of which is a couple of months old now, my current psychiatrist refused to assess me for NPD so I’m still not officially a narcissist, however he did decide to refer me to be tested for autism and agreed I probably need to be seen for ADHD and put on the four year waiting list to see a specialist but due to the terrible issues at my flat I’m struggling to get a doctors appointment, even though they apparently want to look into my seizures and my knee needs seeing to. I’m scared I wont be able to get an appointment for the flu jab this year and that in a year where everyones been taken out by covid it’ll be the flu that gets me.

In police news

Again pretty old by now I got my subject access request through. What seems like half the body cam footage there should be and showing the polices sarcastic uncaring attitudes and that they were in fact going to put that saw through my door. Oh and transcripts of the 999 operator, heavily redacted of course saying-

mother said: she said well i might as well hang myself

and

That she wont open the door to you.

Which though I don’t have the transcripts of my mothers call would seem my mother was telling the truth when she told me she just wanted them to call me because I wasn’t answering my phone and she was worried, but more on that in a later post because remember they also said the bodycam footage didn’t exist at all at one point so I’m currently pulling all my emails and stuff together because….drum roll… the merseyside police have a decision to my complaint, yet I haven’t seen it yet despite being told this weeks ago because apparently the people who deal with the complaints just have so much work on. I wonder why when your officers are so unprofessional.

In house news

Sadly no I don’t have a new place to live yet. I do have my subject access request from them though and so I will also be working on my response to their response to my last complaint so thats going to take me a while too.

Thats pretty much it apart from maybe expect less from we in all areas of life last week and this week. Halloween was a major distraction for me even though I have no kids, don’t watch TV and never leave my flat. This week you can probably expect to find my currently over weight self drowning my sorrows of turning 34 in cake of some sort and doing not a lot else.

But ye I think that’s it apart from I’m not proof reading this sorry lol

Welcome To The Psychotic Girls Guide To Surviving The Human Apocalypse

Announcement

Hi all,

I have promised to do hundreds of things for you since I joined twitter almost five years ago. Lots of these things have been forgotten, lost in my fast moving stream of tweets. Some of these things I did start to do, but had to stop due to the severe decline in my mental health and my awful living conditions. These are things like selling prints of my art work and making origami tutorials. Although I do hope to restart these things once my living conditions change and my mental health improves slightly, I unfortunately don’t see this happening any time soon.

Others though, some of which predate twitter, such as my novel and novella, bob on the water never disappearing but also never moving closer. Today I realised that all these things are writing related, such as my none fiction book, my auto biography and a mental health blog.

Probably not surprisingly to you I have seriously wanted to write for a career at points in my life. I mean I’m borderline I have wanted to do a lot of creative jobs. Probably surprisingly to you though, when I was a very young child I wanted to write fiction so much I would write stories, send them to publishers and then weirdly look forward to receiving their rejection letters.

I’m not a gifted writer, I’m probably not even an ok writer and I don’t think I am a great or even ok writer either. I know I could never have used my writing skills alone to get a bachelors degree in writing, the way I used my art skills alone to get a bachelors degree in art, even though i didn’t have enough G.C.S.E’s to even take an A level.

I have been trying to write though lately. After all my psychiatrist tells me I need hobbies and I need to invest time in my future while I wait to move and then wait again for my mental health to improve to the point where I am ready for therapies. I have even been focusing my efforts on one thing and one thing only, my novel. However several things have happened in such a short space of time that I can’t help connecting the dots and seeing a giant arrow pointing me in the direction of starting a blog. Yes, I know nobody blogs anymore, but you know that I don’t care what other people are doing. First things at my flat ramped up to the point I took it all public and then the police almost literally smashed their way into the public part of my life too. Finally I got accepted on to an English Language G.C.S.E. I have decided to give blogging a go, after all I need to practice my writing skills and currently I wan’t to do something that will shed light on how terribly the mentally ill are treated in the UK if not also the rest of the world and begin to try to start to change things. I have very short term plans that I hope to make into long term plans. I have nothing written yet and so I will be posting my first piece next week. I hope to start by writing a small series of autobiographical pieces with a common thread that will all come together to paint a picture that will hopefully explain a lot. I plan on posting every Sunday evening at nine o’clock UK time and hope to see you all there.